Walking

The past few days i have been walking with different people at Bernheim Forrest. I have walked the same trail yet each day its been different. It acutally has been really nice. The weather has been great and the company is pretty good too. :) The best thing i think these walks have done is a form of therapy kind of. Really its been good to walk and talk to my friends and my mom about whatever is going on. Its a time to not think about anything in the world but me and the person that i am walking with. I am really hoping to make this a almost daily activity. Well then, I just wanted to talk about my walking experiences. Not only am i getting some quality time with people, but i am also getting exercise! Well then, til next time....
Jessie

Back to Normal.

My life is finally slowly getting back to normal. Well normal for my life! I got my job back and though I dont really want to work it means that I will get paid and that makes me VERY happy! I am looking forward to getting a break from school. Its not really stressful right now and I am keeping up and even doing some things ahead of time but I am really getting tired of the people. I can only take people in small doses and this months dose for some reason feels like its about 5 times too much. Right now I feel as if my teachers pretty much trust me with everything. I run errands for teachers and I even get put in charge of classes and its something to take pride in I guess. Im not the type to rebel but right now I just wish people wouldnt tell me their expectations for me or even how proud of me they are. I know this is something silly to complain about bur really I just want to be Jessie. Not "oh, I'm so proud of who you are, Jessie;" or "your parents should be so proud of you." I guess I really need to focus on what makes me happy and then for everyone else just let them think what they want to think. Most important, I think, is that I become a person that I would be happy to be. Lately I have been thinking a great deal about my future and college. I am getting excited about college but I still havent got a clue of what I want to do. There's nothing that just jumps out at me or anything that I really have a passion for. For some reason lately I have thought about doing something having to deal with theology. Its not something that i thought would be something for me to do, however all the different aspects of all the different religions completely intrigue me. I love learning about the different traditions and everything that people do for their religion. Its all very interesting to me. But then I dont really know what I would do with a theology major. Nor do I know how I would fit theology in a medical field. I think thats what I will go into because I am so much a math and science person. So therefore I think the medical field is my destiny, maybe with a minor of theology. Who knows. Well back to my European History homework. Til next time..... Jessie

Today's thoughts

I wonder what people think of me and what I have become. The adults that I know keep telling me that they are proud of me but what about my peers. I know that peer pressure is something that people avoid but even good students and students that are clean still are affected by peer pressure. Well, at least I am. Its important to me to be accepted. I don’t know why. I still like walking to my own music but I want backup to be there when I stumble or when I am unsure of myself. My biggest problem that I deal with every day is the problem of not being loved by guys my age. I know that this will change and I am counting down the days until that happens. However, its hard to see happy couples and to keep a smile on my face when things just aren’t perfect. The happy go lucky person that is pretty much always smiling and has gotten the nickname of “smiley”. That’s the person that everyone knows. There is another person here and its someone that people don’t get to see so often, it’s a hidden and secret identity. This person is stronger than I am, she is bold and speaks her mind. This girl is unafraid of anything that comes her way. She takes everything in as it comes to her. She lets things flow around her and pick her up and take her when its ready. This woman is angered easily and doesn’t get over things so easily. She gets really hurt easily too. It really hurts her and makes her mad when she has plans with someone and then those plans fall through. The excuses that are given usually sound really fake to me. Spending time with the family is understandable, but is that really what is going to happen or did you just not want to hang out with me in the first place. If what I suggested was something that really doesn’t sound fun to you then DON’T say “oh yea lets do that” because saying that gets my hopes up and then I am just disappointed. I am an eternal optimist but sooner or later I am going to break and not be so happy go lucky. I will snap and whoever gets the brunt of my wrath may not end up being my friend after I am done telling them exactly what I think. I am a people pleaser but at some point I have to please myself too. Its hard, and scary. Life is happening all around me and somehow I feel as if I am just watching it and not actually living it. On the other hand I am someone who just goes with the flow because that’s what is easiest to do. One day I will break the mold that I have created and I will shock everyone around me, including myself. The bottom line of all this and what got me talking in the first place was the fact that breaking plans really aggravates me. If we plan something then follow through. Bottom line. I can understand family emergencies but not every time we have plans. And I can understand having to spend time with your parents but not every time we are supposed to do something. When people say things like this to me it make me feel inadequate, even though I’m not. It makes me feel like a loser and I hate the feeling. So next time you initiate something I will probably have “other plans” even if its not right, it makes me feel better. I know that it just starts a cycle but I don’t really care. So that’s my thoughts for now. Til next time….

Update

Ok so now some hectic life things are over and this is my time to do some reflecting. Dad had kidney stone surgery last Friday. I got my Prom dress on Friday, with help from 2 fun people and a very special dog! My grandma will probably be gone in less than 3 months. And I have seen real and pictures of some really attractive boys!

Dad's surgery went well and he is happier!

My prom dress is FREAKIN awesome. I really like it. Although it is red and i am not really a red person I must say that it looks pretty good on me!

Its hard to think that my grandma wont live much longer but really it will be better for her. She has changed so much and I really want to remember her for who she was and not who she has become and I realize that saying this might make me seem selfish but hey, maybe I am. I dont plan on visiting her until the inevitable happens. I love her and told her that last time I saw her.

Both attractive boys that I have seen recently are boys that I have known for a while but I must say that they, hmm how to put it, they have grown nicely since the last time that I have seen them.

As for a huge decision that I am facing in the next month or so: College, I think that in my mind i have really made my decision, however my body is saying that i just need to wait for my overnight visit.

So back to the present and whats rolling out of my mind right now! I am really looking forward to college, not just for the moving on and growing up but also for the people that I really hope to meet. Honestly I am hoping to have a happy relationship by this time next year. So far, i have lived most of my "love life" in my dreams and through books (though i really dont like romance novels, I have only read one that could even count as one). I am excited and somewhat anxious to have a fun, happy relationship.

Final thoughts: Your life reflects the way that you live. Life is what you make of it, and being an eternal optimist, even though the last month hasnt been great for me, I was continually thankful that it wasnt worse. I wasnt having the best of months and yet I kept thinking about people in places like Africa. So though life hits hard every now and then, always remember, it could get worse and if you are negative about things it probably will, though if you think positive thoughts, it will get better.

Wow, I think I got a good bit of rambling in! Til next time....
Jessie

Being There

Hey there, here's a new poem. Enjoy! I'll leave the origin to your imagination! :)

I told him what I needed
and he said that he was there
I asked him if I hurt him
And he said that he got over it
He should know I didn’t mean to
Now he loves someone else and doesn’t care…
As much; but still he goes on a limb
And is there whenever I have a fit
He tells me that he will always think of me as more than just a friend
I tell him that I still care for him
And I don’t want to step on any toes
He has someone new that he loves
A girl that doesn’t know what she’s got
I was like that to
It was hard for us to go our separate ways
And harder still to make it work
But he says he will always be there for me
I will always be thankful for that
The door swings both ways
And I hope that he will remember that
For I will always talk to him
If that’s what he needs
Even if its 2am and he’s on his knees
Or later like 4
When I am ready to hit the floor
To me he will always be Mr. Mysterious
Even if its just friends for us.

Til next time....
Jessie (finally getting back to her old self)

Stress Attack

Well today was an interesting day. I went to school and almost at the end of my first class, I had a panic type thing happen. It was tachycardia. My heart rate shot up to 120-130 beats per minute for no apparent reason. I also have an ear and sinus infection. My dad is ok, after a stint in the ER last Friday because of superventricular tachycardia. And my grandma is losing it as she is dying. I am an emotional wreck and only wish for a guy to hold me while I cry. I haven't been able to cry everything out yet. I want to so bad but when I am by myself its just so hard. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend either because I know I am just not up for that right now but you know, a friendly shoulder that will just be there for as long as it will take. Right now though, I am living on my dreams that I am having of the summer, looking forward to college (no matter how scared of it I am) and books that I am reading. These things are the only things giving me a reprieve from the hardest week to date in my life.

I was just reading a friend's bulletin on myspace and one of the questions is: What is the most unsatisfactory answer you've ever received? and right now I'm really wanting to answer just that one question. Ok so the MOST unsatisfactory answer I have ever received is "we are to good of friends, your like a sister to me." Now guys, listen up. This is not a good answer for a lot of reasons. First, its NOT what the girl wants to hear. Second it hurts just as bad or worse than almost anything else you can say. And third, its just a stupid rejection, DONT USE IT!

Ok so now I am going to go complain to some of my friends, maybe they will listen to me or at least read about my feelings.
Til next time, I'm feeling sorry for myself!
Jessie