Today's thoughts

I wonder what people think of me and what I have become. The adults that I know keep telling me that they are proud of me but what about my peers. I know that peer pressure is something that people avoid but even good students and students that are clean still are affected by peer pressure. Well, at least I am. Its important to me to be accepted. I don’t know why. I still like walking to my own music but I want backup to be there when I stumble or when I am unsure of myself. My biggest problem that I deal with every day is the problem of not being loved by guys my age. I know that this will change and I am counting down the days until that happens. However, its hard to see happy couples and to keep a smile on my face when things just aren’t perfect. The happy go lucky person that is pretty much always smiling and has gotten the nickname of “smiley”. That’s the person that everyone knows. There is another person here and its someone that people don’t get to see so often, it’s a hidden and secret identity. This person is stronger than I am, she is bold and speaks her mind. This girl is unafraid of anything that comes her way. She takes everything in as it comes to her. She lets things flow around her and pick her up and take her when its ready. This woman is angered easily and doesn’t get over things so easily. She gets really hurt easily too. It really hurts her and makes her mad when she has plans with someone and then those plans fall through. The excuses that are given usually sound really fake to me. Spending time with the family is understandable, but is that really what is going to happen or did you just not want to hang out with me in the first place. If what I suggested was something that really doesn’t sound fun to you then DON’T say “oh yea lets do that” because saying that gets my hopes up and then I am just disappointed. I am an eternal optimist but sooner or later I am going to break and not be so happy go lucky. I will snap and whoever gets the brunt of my wrath may not end up being my friend after I am done telling them exactly what I think. I am a people pleaser but at some point I have to please myself too. Its hard, and scary. Life is happening all around me and somehow I feel as if I am just watching it and not actually living it. On the other hand I am someone who just goes with the flow because that’s what is easiest to do. One day I will break the mold that I have created and I will shock everyone around me, including myself. The bottom line of all this and what got me talking in the first place was the fact that breaking plans really aggravates me. If we plan something then follow through. Bottom line. I can understand family emergencies but not every time we have plans. And I can understand having to spend time with your parents but not every time we are supposed to do something. When people say things like this to me it make me feel inadequate, even though I’m not. It makes me feel like a loser and I hate the feeling. So next time you initiate something I will probably have “other plans” even if its not right, it makes me feel better. I know that it just starts a cycle but I don’t really care. So that’s my thoughts for now. Til next time….