There's more to me than you

Jessica Andrews

Yesterday he talked to me, he talks to me almost once a week to once ever 10 days or so. Usually he starts with something about him like "I might be getting a new truck" or, in the case of last night "you know you love my new pictures." But to be honest when I saw that he uploaded pictures I made a hard, but conscious decision that I would hide all of his stuff from my news feed, so no I actually hadnt seen these pictures. And because I am not a bitchy person I didnt ignore him, but said nope I havent actually seen those pictures. So he told be about what they were and such, and I reacted slightly bitchy, sure, I guess part of it was because I felt like crap but more than anything I reacted in a bitchy way because I am so tired of only talking to him when HE feels like it, thats no way to live a life.
So after I got off, again, in a slightly bitchy way, and went to bed I spent the next 2 hours, yes 2 hours writing messages to him.
First I thought I would put the "I remember" on facebook, and tag him. But I am not THAT bitchy.
Then I thought I would just send it to him in a message.
And then I wanted to just say look, I am sorry I was short and terse with you tonight, but it would be nice if you sometimes just said "hey, hows it going?" Instead of starting a conversation with something about yourself.
I wanted to tell him that the reason behind my actions was because I realized that I deserved better, honestly, I HAVE been treated better in the weeks since he and I stopped really talking.
I wanted to tell him that I miss him, that I thought he and I had something real, but I have since seen two very different sides of him.
But I didnt say any of that.
I didnt say anything period.
I woke up and opened my facebook and he had written in the facebook chat that I wasnt me when I was sick. So he noticed. But he thinks its because I am sick that I act this way. He doesnt know that I'm just trying my hardest and that I am struggling to move on.
Part of me thinks that if I just spell it out for him he will understand. But most of me says that even if I spell it out for him he doesnt really care, so why bother?
Ah, the life we live is surrounded by the lives others live and you know, when lives come together and are so close that they are weaved together, thats great, but sometimes if the weave isn't perfect it makes for a hole, or a messy knot. And it is up to us to remember that those holes, those knots make for character in the tapestry of life, and we cant, and we shouldnt go back and fix it, because who wants something that is always perfect?
Here's to a messy tapestry of life, and learning how to keep those holes and knots from defining you but at the same time letting them show that your character has grown because of them.
I hope that makes some sort of sense! :)