I havent posted anything in quite some time... I've sometimes sat down to write but get a little overwhelmed with everything that I want to say, everything that needs to be said, and so discouraged, I save a draft and move on. Its not that I dont want to share- I thrive on being an open book and will tell anyone just about anything about myself, no, the reason I havent posted is just that I have gone through emotional roller coasters in the last few months and though I was diligent on talking about my whole Party Boy situation the more recent hills and valleys are a little more complicated and I dont know who reads this and I really dont want to hurt someone. That being said... I write on.
I just wish that once a relationship that I want to persue was straight forward, but NO, Jessie Carnes CANNOT under ANY circumstances have a straight forward, easy, uncomplicated relationship- I think it might be a rule. And yes I do say that with sarcasm, and a smile on my face.
Another thing that I want to happen is I want someone to TALK to HER... tell her that its not going to work and that holding on to someone just because you dont want to see them with someone else is just plain rude. But I cant be that someone because I am so entangled within the relationship that I speak of, as well as relationships of my own with each parties, that I would be seen as the bad guy, and I dont want that either. I dont go in with the feeling or idea that they arent good for each other, but rather the knowledge that each party is stubborn and holding on too hard to something that doesnt fit. And though I have a DEEP respect for my relationship with one party, as the other party tells me, I sometimes have to put myself first- and that is incredibly hard for me. I am used to being disappointed and hurt, could it be that if I fight for what I want then I can actually have something?! All signs point to yes, but do I DARE get my hopes up?
I feel somewhat like a black hole and know that if given the time I would definitely suck all the life out of myself thinking too hard on the things before me, but thanks to having a job, I am saved for 30 hours out of every week. Sure I think about my situation while at work, but I cant dare dwell on it because I would disappoint those who count on me at work, and I struggle and beat myself up (mentally) when I let others down. Its the worst feeling in the world. That and makind dumb silly mistakes, things that had they not been caught- may have cost a fair amount of money. And I try to forget about my stupid mistakes, but I am not one of those, oops I did something wrong, time to move on types. Nope, I think and agonize over what I have done wrong for hours or even days- eventually I get over it, but like with life in general, it just takes time.
As for the title of this post, its two song titles put together. The Good Morning Beautiful is what a certain someone said to me this morning- and I gotta say, I love to hear it! :) Lets just hope that maybe something will come out of this one. And the I Run to You, is what I woke up singing this morning, and yes if possible I would run to the certain someone mentioned above. But, alas, only time will tell as to how things will go.
Lastly, Happy 5th birthday to my dear neice Taylor, who had surgery yesterday. She seems to be doing fine, hopefully it is NOT a behavioral problem as the doctor indicated and she will get to back to being a "normal" 5 year old girl.
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