Mulling it over

So, two posts in one night- arent you lucky?

This one is regarding a one James JRDF.
Last week I heard from him for the first time in a month or two.
We had a somewhat heated discussion- or rather I was very pissed off and told him so but he just took the punches, and said more or less "Thank you may I have another."
I dont know why he wanted me to be so mad at him, why what happened last week happened, but he said 2 things that didnt sit well with me, and they have been lurking in the back of my mind for the past week.
I think I am now ready to address them.

He said "Say what you want, getting madder at me only makes that wall around your heart stronger." and then "You need something to protect yourself from jerks like me."

I am not going to pretend I know what he was trying to do or what he felt or any of that nonsense. It doesnt matter. Ultimately what matters is that we never actually followed through with anything, and this is my story as to why.

When I was in 3rd grade, which was when most people my age were in 2nd grade, I met this boy, Timmy. For a long time I called him my first love, and maybe that term does apply, but I am a little bit wary of it these days. Timmy rode my bus and lived right next to my bus stop, which was .5 miles away from my house. My best friend growing up, Natalie, was like my sister and she lived like across the street from me. Natalie was always the outgoing make friends with everyone type. She and Timmy were instantly buddies, and I was a tagalong, dont get me wrong, at some point we were all good friends. Really, the reason we initially met this kid was because his dog, Nala had some adorable puppies, and what young-school-aged girl wont melt at the sight of puppies?
Time with Nala and the puppies allowed us to develop a  friendship. Eventually Natalie grew older went to high school- she was 5 years older than me, and 1 day short of being 3 years older than Timmy. But even though Natalie was gone, I still hung out with Timmy, his brother Shawn and sister Mandy. His mom, Suzanne was very much like a second mother to me.
But really, I crushed on Timmy. Big time. It was painful- but no I never actually told him this, until 2004, which is a part of the story. Timmy hung the moon. I felt like anything and everything that I did, I did it for him. I loved soccer, had played it for a couple of years, and he finally started playing, I wanted to be on his team. He was a great forward and a great goalie, and I was a good fullback. He in some ways was my best friend, but in others, a complete stranger. My most serious tomboy age came with Timmy. He was a boy, doing boy things, I wanted to spend time with him, so I would do anything he did, just to be close. Though, I was a tomboy in my own right too.
My life revolved around that boy, but that boy didnt really care if I was in his life. Eventually we became teenagers, he was a cool guy in school, and I was homeschooled. Then, when I was in 8th grade, and he in 9th. His family moved to Nelson Co. And yes, I still know their address. They moved away the day that I came home from Costa Rica: Dec. 7, 2002 and I never got to tell them goodbye.
In March of 2003 they came over for a visit. I talked to them a fair amount on the phone, for a while. In April of 2004, I turned 15, Timmy and Shawn came over for my birthday party. It was my favorite birthday. Timmy was nice to me, I had 15 friends show up for the party and we had an Ice cream cake fight. It was great, until my best friend, Matt found Timmy in my barn with my best friend Katie and Timmy's pants were down. Shawn, Timmy's brother went down and confirmed it. Yes, heres where my favorite birthday becomes my least favorite birthday. Devastated, angry and now 15.
I think I always knew that there would never be a Timmy and me as a couple. But when that happened I built walls around my heart so thick its not even funny. No charming guy would break them down, because never again would I love someone the way that I loved Timmy.
Come August of that year, I called Timmy and told him everything- about how I had liked him for 7 or 8 years. He knew, apparently I had told him before. And that was that, but yes I still think about him. I even have a lot of good memories with him.

So, James wants me to have walls around my heart. They are already there, pal. They have been since I was about 10 years old- which was probably the first time that I realized that me and Timmy were just friends, and thats all we would ever be, no matter how much I wanted that to be different. Dont you get it James, it took you 2 years to break down those walls enough to let you even remotely close to me. Kissing was never my issue- if you had gone for a kiss the first night, when I stayed at your apartment, you would have gotten one. After all, I kissed Dylan when he stayed over the first night. No, trust was my issue. I dont trust guys. No one has ever gotten into my heart the way that Timmy did. No one. And it will be a very special person who does. Sure I had a terrible first real kiss, and yes, I was kind of terrified of it for a while- but I knew it couldnt get worse! I can even deal with sleeping in the same bed with guys.
My problem, is and always has been what you wanted me to get. You wanted me to build a wall to protect myself from jerks like you. James, love, I had walls in place long before you came. I dont need to put more walls up, I need to do some remodeling of my heart and take my walls down. I cried over you once. One time, mid-October of last year. Do you know how many times I cried over Timmy? About a dozen, a year, for 8 years. I learned, thanks to Timmy, to a. keep my emotions at bay and b. to not get super involved. I crush on guys easily, yes. But that doesnt mean that I hand them any power. I keep the power, thank you very much. If someone wants my heart, hes going to have to work hard for it- and he'll definitely have to meet the family before he even gets to see what its capable of, not just my mom and dad, but my whole family.
I am not the same person that I was at 15. Hell, I am not the same person I was at 18. I have and always will be able to take care of myself.
The reason I stuck around for 2 years was because I saw a great man in you. You chose not to be that great man, but that doesnt mean that hes not in there somewhere. I wish you all the luck with your new woman. I hope shes everything that you want and/or need. I hope she doesnt break your heart like Gina did.