The need to cry

Funny how things work out. This time last year my granmda was dying, yet I didnt cry for that death, was it because I was aware that it was happening or was it that I just didnt feel that I had the time to mourn her. After all, I had just moved away from home for the first time and I was incredibly homesick. But I think now, a year later I am mourning her. This comes also at the time that my Uncle is hospitalized in critical condition from what we think is methanol poisoning. Still, remembering grandmas death, having to go through this thing with my uncle and then realizing just how incredibly sweet my family is, not just my immediate family but my extended family. I find it soothing in a way that the family comes together in a time of need. I have a total of 4 first cousins and they are all 30 or older so I didnt really get to know them growing up, I mean I knew of them and they were family so I saw them at holidays but I never really got to know them personally. And I guess its part of growing up, or part of this Carnes family coming together when its needed but I had a great conversation with my cousin Bobby. I even got to talk a little to Mickey too. I picked Bobby up from the hospital and lent him my car so that he could get around Lexington- afterall I have classes to go to and if I desperately needed to get somewhere I have friends that would take me, and after he returned it I realized that he had given me money to pay for parking and he had filled up my tank with gas, it was such an unexpected surprise but it made me realize that the Carnes family not only comes together but we really care about one another, looking at what he did I am positive I would have done the same thing.
This post really started out as more of a reflexive note and a way to get my tears out in kind of a final way. When my mom called Monday morning at 6 am to tell me what was going on I almost dropped the phone, I was in shock and after talking to her I cried for 30-45 minutes. In a way I guess things just kind of stopped for me, it wasnt an expected illness, but it was sudden and something that took me of guard. I have dealt with multiple human and animal deaths in the past year and I guess it all just kind of hit me at once. Now, my uncle is NOT dead, so thank god for small favors. But he still isnt out of the woods yet. Still, even 3 days later when I am left alone to my own devices I still cry, I still get overwhelmed. A part of me wants to shut down and break down but then again I want to rise above it, I want to live, I want to carry my grandmas legacy, I want to be something more.
And then theres the other part of the reaction I had. I was in bed when I got the call and more than anything I wished at that moment that I had a boyfriend who would just hold me and tell me that he was there for me. I mean I have wonderful friends that are doing their best to hold me together, the friends who hug me because I am sad, because they know this year has been really hard. But I still dont have the person in my life that is there unconditionally. I am not saying that I will find that one person that I will be with until I die, but at somepoint I hope to find the person that I feel that will happen with, in other words I know the world isnt perfect and people change and things happen but I hope to find a guy who at least for several years we have a happy healthy life together. But the moment of getting the phone call, I just wanted someone to hold me, to keep me together. It didnt happen and I am strong enough to support myself, to hold myself together but sometimes I wish to just share the burden.
Thats where my head is today.