You know that quote....

The one that says "Day by day nothing changes, but when you look back everything is different." (C.S. Lewis)

Thats where I am right now.
Thanks to timehop I saw that this time last year I had just received flowers from a guy I was dating, but that I knew the relationship was done. (We broke up before the flowers died.)
And someone who I care deeply about had told me that he had tried to commit suicide (Army guy from back in 2012, if you remember the stories about him).
Another very close family friend had just recently been diagnosed with colon cancer. She's dead now. Her death has left a hole so deep and a fire so hot that I am continuously blown away.

I am not where I was a year ago. And what a glorious thing!

Last year, at this time, I had just gone to the wedding of a family friend's daughter. The son, a friend of mine was there and I had not seen nor spoke to him for 3.5 years leading up to the wedding- not for lack of trying on my part, but because mostly he didnt want to be contacted.
Let me just tell you, our reunion was amazing - not in a romantic way (like I wanted it to be) but think of not seeing your best friend for 3.5 years. Literally having no contact with them and then being reunited. The world stopped spinning, and then I started spinning - because of the hug. It was a wonderfully fierce hug. We spent that night ignoring the fact that we hadn't talked or seen each other for 3.5 years. We danced, we laughed and we hugged. The next day I flew home.
I had a boyfriend, but the boyfriend would never, EVER, in his wildest dreams live up to this friend. Because, at the time, I wanted nothing more than to be with this friend. To marry him. To change his world. To show him that he is important and loved and amazing. I knew that if I was feeling this for the man I wasn't dating, then if nothing else, I was dating the wrong man.
3 weeks go by. The friend (think Israel, DC and Army from previous years' posts) calls me because he wants to tell me something. He wants to tell me that he tried to commit suicide. That he still has my letters that I wrote to him while in basic training and that he's glad we are back in touch.
I start reeling, and not in a good or healthy way.
My world, my whole being just wants to be there with him. To hug him. To tell him he is worthy of this life. And to tell him that I would have been really sad if he had actually succeeded.

Fast forward several months. Some with lots of communication from the man we all know to be really bad about communication, some months with practically no communication. LOTS of angst on my end. Does he like me, does he not? Is he really how I remember him? He says some of the right things, some of the time. But jesus, hes 500+ miles away. Thats not going to work. If only we could visit again- have a real, good visit.

And then I have a 3 week externship in New Jersey. Do you know whats kind of on the way to New Jersey? DC! So I stop for an overnight visit at his place.  What an eye opening experience. I will try to articulate it without sounding too uppity.
Scene, from MY perspective: I am finally getting a chance to see if there is something between us. Something romantically inclined. I am driving to Washington DC to spend the night at his place (he has 4 roommates). I arrive and he has fixed dinner. He puts my stuff by the bed I am supposed to be sleeping in. We put on a movie (Silver Linings Playbook) and eat. Then we decide to get the ingredients for Derby Pie- my gift to them for letting me stay the night. The depth that I am used to seeing in out hanging out is not there. This is not a snail cooking moment. We are kind of like 2 boats passing in the night. I am uptight and nervous because I have built this trip up so much in my head. We get back to the apartment. There are people coming and going. There is pot smoking happening. Drinking. Half-hearted games and lots of sarcasm. In my head this is very much a bachelor pad and these men are very much not really looking for lasting relationships. They come across as not having their life together. Bouncing from thing to thing.
I came away from that situation thinking that this friend of mine was not remotely where I am in life. Thats not a bad thing, it just something that is.
I left the apartment the next morning before anyone was awake. I cried for 2 hours as I continued my drive to New Jersey. And I let go of an ideal that had been in my head for 9 years. Yes, thats almost a decade.

When I was 18 this guy became very important to me, it was a feeling a hope, a connection. I can tell you it was July 2007 and it happened when we got lost in the woods together. We were joined by a friend of his (now one of his roommates). My feelings grew when we visited them in Israel. (We will always have the snails!) From July 2007 through July 2016, I really, truly, in my heart believed that I would marry this man. I thought that we were meant to be. I thought that our timing was just always a little off. But what I know now is that, though a wonderful man, this is not the man for me. Our paths have not continued parallel to each other but we are headed towards the future at different angles now. Again, not a bad thing. Not in the slightest.

I don't know why I left before he was awake- and I felt like a royal bitch doing it. And I think the tears that I shed were more of a cleansing cry than a sad cry, as once I was done, I was done. I do think that we would have made a kick ass power couple. I think we would have made really gorgeous babies, but it isn't in our cards- or rather I am not hoping beyond all hopes that its in our cards anymore.

I am at a better, healthier place now. I am learning better how to be me. And how to love people for who they are - something I thought I already knew, but apparently not. I am learning to love people as they are and how they are to me. I am not sure if that makes any sense. I love people who come into my life, I love them fiercely and deeply and I imagine how they are important to me (the person from above was going to be my husband- can you imagine how much I loved him?!). But people dont need to be loved as how they are important to me, they need to be loved. Period. Just love.

And so I embark on a journey of love. We all need a little more love in this world.
If you are reading this, I send you some love, use it as you see fit.

PS-  I wouldn't change my life, my story for anything. I am very glad to be where I am now and I don't mind any of the things that I went through to get here, as they made me a better person.