I dont know how my brothers and their wives really see me, but I feel like I will forever be like 5 or maybe 10 years old in their minds. And, for a long time, I think I catered to that. But now that I am 22 years old, I want to be seen as an adult. I know that I will always be the kid sister, but theres more to me than that. I am not one dimensional, not even 2-D. Just as there are many pieces to me that I dont think guys who I am interested in see, there are also many parts that my brothers dont see, whether that is by choice or not, I dont know.
I was kind of dreading this family vacation, and I have been pleasantly surprised. Thats not saying its perfect, there are still a few things that I would like to change, but maybe just maybe I am on the right path.
Its funny, I was idly talking tonight, and I dont know if anyone heard me, and thats ok, but what I said was that I look forward to the next family vacation, in say 2 years. Because, unless something goes totally awry, I wont have kids, and I may be independent enough to really be the cool aunt. See, I think the kids like hanging out with me because 1. they know I will keep them safe and 2. I dont have to make sure someone is on their best behavior... I can treat every kid equally.
Speaking of the next family vacation... I dont know where I will be in life, whether I will have a significant, or even insignificant other, but I do know, that I think I have found this place in my family where even in this transitory time that I find myself in, family is what truly matters. And getting to spend a week with my family, that is priceless.
Also, speaking of significant or insignificant others. I just finished a book, and yes its fiction, but that wont keep me from drawing parallels from my life. But basically the main character has fallen in love with a fallen angel, and its reeking all kinds of havoc on heaven and hell... and god knows that doesnt fit in my life, but what I am drawn to is this relationship that the girl has with the angel she has fallen for... She feels so deeply for him and yet he often leaves her with unanswered questions. With this passion, but at the same time deep questioning, of is this really true love, is this all I get, because if so, its depressing. And I may not have found my true love, if one is even out there for me, but there is this person in my life for whom I care deeply about and yet anytime I talk with him, I am left with more unanswered, burning questions. I mean seriously dude? Isn't passion supposed to be something that you dont really have to think that much about? Cant you rush head first blindly into something as crazy as love? Ok, so that makes me sound a little crazy, but I feel a little crazy. All I wanna do is talk, I'd love to tease out your feelings for me because I just feel like I am in limbo. I cant move forward because you havent figured out how you feel about me and I cant just shut you out, because well, I am not willing to shut the door I guess. So I sit here, in your grasp, waiting for you to decide, and yet you dont.
I get told over and over what I should feel for you and how others see you, but they arent me and I am not them. Call me stupid, but I believe in you, anything you want to do, go for it. But if you really cant see me there as a serious contender in your future, let me know now. Thats all I really want. My mom said something to me while we were in Maine and its kind of stuck with me and basically she was saying: If you know that you arent going to end up with a person, then let them go, its unfair to keep stringing them along. So, J, I guess what I am asking from you now is that, if you know that you dont want a relationship with me, not now, not ever, just tell me. I am really good at hearing the brutal truth. But please, seriously, since you cant give me a definition, at least give my possible definition some thought. Please, help me move out of this purgatory limbo that you've put me in!
And if you decide to keep me in your life here are some things to know- and if they arent useful for you, maybe they will be useful for someone in the future:
1. I love hearing from you every day. I dont even care if its a simple hey, or even just a goodnight.
2. I love getting goodnight texts.
3. I am not a big on the phone talker, but I do like for it to happen now and then. However, because I have this a. fear of phones and b. calling someone during something important, its likely that I probably wont ever call you, but rather wait on you to call me.
4. I want to see you more, physically, in person. Invite me over, or ask to come to my place, but then follow through. I'm not asking for something crazy big like a big dinner or some elaborate plans... no, I'd settle for a nice walk and just some time to talk.
5. I am not likely to bring up the tough stuff in face-to-face conversation, it scares the shit out of me, but I will answer honestly and to my best ability. Although, I will probably try to throw some bad humor in the mix so it doesnt seem so awkward.
I guess, its about bedtime for me.
Goodnight world.
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