Less than stellar

In many of my  "remembering when" times dealing with that J person I remember the good things and overlook the bad things- shame one me.
Tonight, I remember both, but more the bad things. Yea, yea, I can hear the cheers now from those who may be reading this. That and the exclamations of "FINALLY".
So here goes. While I still remember the good times and would love to live every moment of my romantic life the way that I lived those moments, there were times, and they happened more frequently than not when I was frustrated with J. Seriously. I didnt know what to do, say or think because of the things that he said or the way that he said those things. Life was just so confusing when we werent face to face, and I didnt deserve that.
As per my usual with this J person, a Lady Antebellum song can sum it up pretty well
"Not knowing in that moment we'd never speak again but it was perfect; I never will forget when we owned the night."
So its not completely true to my story, but thats because it isnt my story. But substitute speak for see each other and its perfect. Though technically I suppose the argument could be made that I might see him again some day.
You know, the only thing that we ever got right was the face to face meetings, talkings, and interactions. The rest of it, which was in fact about 90 percent of our relationship, or lack thereof, was via texting or the occasional phone call.
He told me that I calmed him down. He told me that I didnt know the effect that I had on him. But he could never tell me how I calmed him down or what the effect that I had on him was. All I got out of him was half truths, lots of ifs, ands and buts, and no real substance. You would think that if someone meant that much to them you would fight more to keep them in your life. And I could be totally reaching the wrong conclusion here, BUT, in many aspects I got the impression that he didnt feel like he was good enough for me. I have two "answers" for that: 1. Isn't it MY decision who I am too good for and who I'm not? Have you not seen my parents. My mom graduated from an ivy league college and my dad didnt even finish college. and 2. Seems to me that when you are friends with someone who you feel is too good for you, you do everything in your power to keep that friendship alive, because maybe just maybe they need someone like you in their life.  Its not to give them an ego boost, but to give yourself one, because if they continue to be your friend that means that you may be better than you think you are.
Back to the original subject:
When you have a sucky non-person-to-person relationship that face-to-face time is going to take a beating and perhaps get overshadowed by the other crap. And while that wasnt exactly the case for me- because no matter what the idiot did I wanted to see him just one more time.
I think I can count the number of times that I saw him on my fingers and some toes (party March 20, movie Fast And Furious, TSC taking K, my birthday 4/22-23, end of school 5-19/20, wedding 6-6, April trip to TSC, week before birthday 9-30, birthday 10-7, TSC Nich.- 3-4 times 1 for event, 1 with nieces, and maybe 1-2 more, and then May 26th- The Kiss) Thats it, that is every time that I have seen the guy, and yet I spent 2 YEARS wanting him in my life more, wanting him to want me, wanting a real relationship with him. In those 2 years I saw him through work issues, a bad girlfriend, the birth of Nephews, a car wreck and various other things.
And in an effort to be fair, he saw me through a few things too, mostly, my insecurities.
This is the moment where I am sad that the friendship we had through March-June 2009 is gone. Because during that time, he was a great friend to me. Things then heated up so to speak and we- yes we- didnt handle them well... unless we were in the same place at the same time, which almost never happened.
Am I glad that "we owned the night"? Yes.  Would I change the experiences and the way that they have helped to change me? No. Do I want to start that process all over again, talk to him? No. But do I wish that we had a friendship that stood the tale of time? Yes.
I dont know where my life will take me from here, and thats ok, I dont need to know.
What I do know is that the mistakes that I made, the insecurities that I had, they were building blocks for the lessons that I learned.
And in the end, it doesnt even matter.
In the end, this moment, I am happier than I have ever been in life, and it has nothing to do with a boy or man.
In this moment,  I am happy because I am on the right track to live my dream. A dream that developed as I did. And will continue to develop, I am sure.
Now, to convince some person to send flowers to me.... haha, perhaps that a challenge for a different day.
Goodnight world- remember your blessings.