Changes

I decided to go back and see if things were really different between October and now. I guess I wanted to make sure that I wasnt kidding myself, I wanted to reassure myself. And things are, maybe not things exactly, but me, I am different, and that is easy to see between the posts of then and now.

I'm not saying that I am completely different, but I think that I am more comfortable in my own skin now. In October I wanted nothing more than to be his woman, for him to be my man, for us to be together and to define every little piece of our relationship. I wanted to talk through things before they happened, I didnt want to lose control, but most importantly I didnt want to give up myself to someone who may or may not care about me. As for now, I think I am slightly more laid back. I think I come off as crazy a lot of the time and he takes it, he listens, he makes fun of me, but hes a steady presence. Silly, right, because I complained about that before.

Haha, hes like a brick wall, and always has been. A steady, strong person, who when I run at him with all the force in the world he just absorbs the shock, doesnt say anything. Which, back in October, I thought was him running away... now I am not pardoning him completely, he COULD have talked to me, we COULD have worked things out, but it wasnt the right time then. I needed to learn some things first, like when I run at a brick wall like that, I am going to fall on my face, but when I walk up to the wall, explain where I am coming from, it will hold me up. It doesnt have all the answers and neither do I, but maybe we can find answers together.

The other night, I was obsessing about the kiss, I couldnt call my best friend, so I texted him. He listened to me, and he gave me feedback- not the things that I necessarily wanted to hear, but enough for me to get through the block on my own, for a little bit longer anyway.

This time around I feel like I'm looking more at the short term, a kiss doesnt lead to marriage. lol. A kiss is just a kiss. We like it, we move on. I've moved home, I dont know if or when I will see him again, I would like to, but if I dont I dont. I feel my innocence as a weight to bear, baggage, heavy baggage, why would anyone want to deal with someone as pure as me- silly right? But I live with it, I deal with it and with any luck I will find someone eventually who will love me as I am.

Everyone still tells me that hes not the one for me, his actions dont prove his worth. I buy that, I understand and respect that, but- and I may be like 6 years late- but I want my fling! lol. Let me throw caution to the wind, let me be dumb, stupid and put my heart on my sleeve. Let me experience something new, because we all know that the old thing was not working so well for me. What if, what if this new outlook on live life and etc will lead to something more... and who knows I might find my knight in shining armor- or at least one in tin foil, hopefully! :)