Its not fun anymore

That was my promise to myself, that this relationship got to happen as long as I was having fun.
I started to expect things, you know, I expected us to get closer.

Things changed, and I dont know if they were good or bad, they were different than the things that have happened before. I mean that is the whole point, right? The balance was off though, and I find balance to be important. He was definitely not putting as much into this as I was. And so it became time to back off.

And then I got insecure. "But we keep coming back to one another", uh huh, yep, and?...
That took some time to get through, I had one friend say basically: "yea, it happens, maybe theres something in the cosmos" another one said "maybe its your neediness and he has a lasso that keeps you tied together" and yet another friend said "that happened to me, and I get it, you just have to let it play out"...

This is me letting it play out. If I was him having to deal with me, I am not sure that if I DIDNT have feelings for the clingy person that I become, I would stick around. In other words, I realize that I get a little crazy, I overthink things, and he always talks me through it... so I am thinking WHY put up with me if you dont have any feelings for me. Seriously, is it just an ego thing, as some people think? I couldnt imagine, couldnt imagine putting up with someone like that just to boost an ego.

Then, the other thing that is swimming in my head is that there is a saying that you are supposed to let someone go, so that you know if they were yours or not... but I have decided that that doesnt really work... at all. Because, what if both parties decide individually to let the other one go, to back off and wait for them to make the first move. If both parties of a relationship desperately liked another, but somehow had it in their mind that the other didnt like them and they let each other go... talk about opportunities wasted. Im not saying thats whats happening here, in the case of me and J, but its just a curious thing.

There's another idea out in the world: basically, the idea that if you want to be with someone, you will make it happen, no excuses, no weather, no nothing could keep you apart. This is a new motto, so to speak, rather an old motto that I am readopting! If he wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen, I have given every opportunity, I have hit on him and alas, nothing. lol.

Since this time has been different, why not keep it different! I wont demand that we not have any contact (even though when I did that, I wanted nothing more than for him to contact me). I wont ignore him- I never have. But its time for me to step back, he can and will contact me if or when he wants.

I will end with some quotes that have struck a chord with me, whether it amuses me or simply makes me thoughtful...

"Sometimes the best way to get someones attention is to stop giving them yours"
"Flirtationship; more than a friendship less than a relationship"
"Don't back down just to keep the peace. Standing up for your beliefs builds self-confidence and self-esteem"


I may working to move on with whatever is next, but that doesnt mean that I have forgotten how it felt to be in his arms that night. Yea, thats a feeling I am not likely to forget anytime soon. Also, a feeling that I dont WANT to forget, because those moments, that night, it was all perfect. And hopefully I get other moments of perfection... :)