Postsecret

Is it sad that I dont want to post my secrets on facebooks postsecret page because I know how many people will read it. Yet I feel that if I post my secrets here I am safer. I dont understand this, because everyone that I know may just read this blog, but I know of only one person who reads it regularly. So obviously I am not going to share ALL of my secrets but I will share some of them, things that at least someone already knows.
~ I have thought about who would visit me in the hospital if I was there for somereason and have even thought about being injured just to see who would show up, NOW my disclaimer is that I will never do anything stupid or purposeful just to end up in the hospital. I also think about who might show up at my funeral
~ My dad said that he wouldnt make it through the year. This terrifies me, more than anything I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and I want him to be a grandfather to my children, living at least 20 more years. I never had a grandfather and I desperately want him to be there for my kids like he is for my brothers.
~ I am jealous that my brothers are married and have kids. I may not necessarily want the lives that they live but I want someone to love me and I want kids.
~ I am tired of being "just a friend", I want to be loved. But yet somehow I wonder if I am ready for that.
~ I have a timeline for how I want my life to play out, but I dont expect it to work out. I also have a list of qualities that I really want in a guy and the ONE person that I have met that has these qualities probably wont love me.
~ I have an insanely obsessive personality, but it doesnt mean that I am a stalker. I care deeply for the important people in my life, and sometimes I have a one track mind that gets stuck on one person. Usually this doesnt last very long but its there nonetheless.
~ I love traveling but and deathly afraid of traveling alone. I want to see the world but I want to see it with the people in my life.
~ I am very self-conscious of things that put me in front of people, things like dancing or exercising in a gym, yet I am totally fine with talking to a bunch of people.
~ I dont always stand up for myself or the things that I feel strongly about, but I am getting better.
~ My college friends are the closest friends that I have EVER had, yet there are things that I cant tell them.
~ After my grandma died this past year followed by 5 other people that I know I became numb and couldnt cry for the deaths. I only cried for my grandma.
~ I get very frustrated with people who are not observant, most frustrated with my mom. Its because of her that I am SO observant yet I cant teach her the same thing she taught me. And the thing that scares me the most is that when I was talking to the creepy guy she just didnt notice. And I cant help but think that if my dad was there I wouldnt have talked to that creepy guy very long.

And here is where I will stop.