Hot and Cold

Yes and No, In and out, up and down. (Inspired by the Katy Perry song)

I have known you only a year. 1 year, 1 week. And within that year there has been this HUGE array of memories. Some of the good, some of the bad. But regardless, neither one of us has let go. I dont know if we can, does that sound to presumptuous? I mean seriously, when I said no contact that should have been it. But it was too hard on me, and you said it sucked for you too. Then limited contact throughout the fall and winter and now all of a sudden, its like we have traveled back in time- almost exactly a year. I dont know what to do with it. I dont know how to handle it. You have been the most real relationship I have had and we never even made it into the relationship. So what gives, what do I do to protect myself but not lose you, is it even possible? Better yet, is it really worth it?

I dont know. But I will try. I dont want to be the other girl, it was blurry as to whether that happened last year, and I dont want to play that game again. If anything I want you to be just mine, one on one, no extra people. But it seems you have moved on and whether you know it or not, and whether I like it or not, it feels as if I am the backup girl.

My pride and joy in this whole situation is that I have not cried over you. Frustrated? Yes. Angered? yes. Hurt? sure. But tearful? Not once. And whether or not I like the fact that the saying "He who makes you cry isnt worth the tears and he who doesnt is" or some variation of that, is stuck in my head, it definitely influences me. You havent ever made me cry, and for some reason or another that speaks volumes in and of itself. And I cannot shake it.

The way that you have an uncanny ability to almost literally bring me to my knees in surprise is a pain in the butt. And the fact that you remember and freaking bring up some of our "moments" just flabbergasts me. I mean seriously, last night you watched Twilight and New Moon and brought up the night that you first saw Twilight. A night that I will never forget. And then I asked if you ever read the books. And apparently you have, so I commended your girlfriend for getting you to read the books, but you said it wasnt her who got you to read the books. No, apparently when I told you you should read the books you did. I mean SERIOUSLY? You like UK basketball? WHAT THE HELL?!

I feel that I will never be able to forget you, not that I would want to. However, this just friends thing we have scares the shit out of me. Because for me, those memories that I have, they cloud my vision. We had some good things. And you still talk about hanging out, it just scares me. YOU scare me.

Here's an analogy for how I feel. I feel like I am a fish that bit down on a baited hook. You were the fisherman, and reeled me in. You took the hook out and treated me special for a while. Then you put me in a cooler and its yet to be decided whether or not you are going to let me go free at the end of the day.

Heres to hoping that the worst fate that this fish comes to is just being put in an aquarium and not being fried for dinner, because I am sure if you were to take me home for dinner things would definitely end in tears.

I said it once last year that you had me hook line and sinker and that you needed to either fish or cut bait. So I think you have fished and yet I still dont have much control over what happens.

Here's to being able to live a life as a fairly happy fish and not being fried for lent! :)