Bus Ride

I sit here, and I can't take my eyes off him. He is making sure everything is in order, he is counting people, planning for tomorrow and I just want to be his partner. It sounds silly but it is what it is. Somehow I feel that when he is around I will be taken care of, and let me tell you, that's a good feeling!
So here's to riding the bus and falling for him! (LOL)

No longer invisible?

How to put this? I want to know more, I yearn for details, but I dont want to seek them out, I want him to tell me, about his life, his family. And I know you cant build something out of nothing, but there is something there,and he sees me when I feel otherwise invisible. He asks about my dad even though that was several weeks ago, he talks to me in the most public places of campus. What more could a girl want?!
Ok ok, I know, but still, I mean he tells me that my crappy made on the spot score book is perfect. Really, PERFECT? I dont think so! But thanks anyway. And I mean I feel pesky, because I am almost constantly asking questions, but he tells me "dont worry about bothering me" so I mean thats good right? Now, if we can bridge the gap and talk about something other than basketball, dont get me wrong I LOVE talking about basketball, but even I will admit that basketball isnt the ONLY thing in life- no matter how much I convince my Transy family that it is. And yes there are times when I will pick basketball over something else. Like when my dad was in the hospital and I picked basketball, or like tonight, we are going on an overnight for the game tomorrow, and my Transy family is having their Christmas gathering, so I am picking basketball over that. I feel slightly bad but at the same time, this is my passion, I wish people would understand that more than they do.
I may not know where this is leading, but you can bet I am along for the ride, and I think that even if it doesnt turn into anything more than just a friendship- friendship is good... usually! :)

Sigh

This morning the house that my friends and I have nicknamed "the basketball house" had an electrical fire. They are all fine- or so I've heard. And the house had fairly minimal damage, but the reaction that I had when I heard the news?
It was an involuntary reaction that just shook my whole world. Its like the past few weeks "god" is telling me, yes you are having a good life, but just remember bad things can happen- see see? First dad then the basketball house. I mean I know that I am just a fan, and I know that these boys dont REALLY care all that much- or if they do they care only on the inside. But I seriously would have some issues to work out if they were gone. Next year is gonna be tough. And I dont want to get in their way, so I will just sit here, touch base, see them at games, but I dont think these boys- men- really know just how much they mean to me. And not in a creepy way, seriously. These people- though not always as talkative and friendly as I would like are a family to me. This is my basketball family, and I love it- its like living with a really dysfunctional family!

So, heres to them being ok, heres to saving the Christmas Tree, and heres to my basketball family!

New Territory.

Its like trying to write a new story with a new angle, its rough. No fun to go through, but necessary.
New person, new attraction. But all the rules are different.
Why is that?
I dont even see him all that often, except at games, or when it comes to basketball, so again its like admiring from a distance, and I dont know HOW to bridge the distance.
I dont know what to do, I dont know where to start. But I do know that, this time, its gonna happen on its own. I am not going to "Research" I dont plan on pushing. I'm just gonna be me, and go from there.
But my friends, this is definitely a full blown crush. Lets hope that previous experiences can help me in the end.

Mamma Mia

Here I go again, how can I resist ya?

Im starting to lose it.
Moment to moment, day to day I just want to see him.
I want to get to know him.
I dont know how to go about doing that...
which is different than my norm.
Normally I am ruthless,
I know how to get info and I go for it.
Not this time, this time I just want to take it slow.
I want to get to know him for him.
I dont want to know everything from other sources.
This is weird.
Exploring the new things in life.
Learning how to be a "normal" person (haha)

Here's to being a little more old fashioned.

Dear Heart

I might be close for falling for a new guy.
Good luck.
I am just on the edge of falling, I can feel it coming though.
I see it perfectly mapped out- but life isnt perfect.
So brace yourself.
This too shall pass.


Saturday night, while wrestling with my decision about staying at the game rather than rushing home to be with my dad a song popped into my head, and I think it has multiple meanings.
The song was "Need you now" by Lady Antebellum.
One of the lyrics is "Its a quarter after 1, I'm all alone and I need you now"
"And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now"
Saturday night I thought of my dad and how I dont know how I could do without him. So that lyric applies to him.
But we were riding the bus back to Transy and though I usually feel alone on the bus, I didnt feel that way this time. There was a person who reached out to me, asked about dad and made me smile. Things like that are wonderful. And I had been singing "Need you now" and I realized that (though not quite a quarter after 1) I needed someone, and they were there for me. So thank you, person who will remained unnamed for now.

Maybe my heart is ready, maybe its time to start letting people in, and maybe just maybe someone wants to let me in to their heart.

Or, you know maybe not. But its worth a shot! :)

Smiling.

It is the one thing that is easy to do, and just one smile can convey a number of emotions.
Here is the challenge, smile to everyone you make eye contact with, even if you arent having a good day, and even if life sucks, if you smile enough you might actually start believing something good comes out of it. So, my friends smile like theres no tomorrow!

I promise

I love the game- basketball
I will try to befriend anyone who plays.
Sure I might develop a crush on a player, but that doesnt mean that I am not capable of being friends.
I will be there for every game- well as many as possible
I will be a silent cheerleader.
I will respect bus rides
I will respect every player
I wont crash parties
But deep down, I just want to be friends- is that really so hard?

This is my promise: to be the behind-the-scenes girl, the quiet one that you may not notice, but really the one who just wants to be accepted, who wants to be your friend, but is too self-conscious to make the first move, so I will wait patiently. I will smile, wave, maybe try to talk, but I will do my best to not overstep any boundaries.

Season of Thanksgiving

This past Thursday was Thanksgiving, and I was very thankful for the life that I had. Things had started falling into place for me, and it was wonderful.

Then, Saturday, my dad had a heart issue. It was the first one to hospitalize him since 2 weeks before the start of my Freshman year at Transy.

Mom, grandma, and I were near Cincy when we got the call- we had been planning for about a month that they would come to a Transy basketball game, and this was the one. So, there we were in Cincy, and we got the call. And yes, I feel a little guilty- I stayed in Cincy for the game, while mom and grandma traveled home. Over the course of the next couple of hours I questioned my sanity. Why in the world did I pick basketball over my dad? Well, the answer my friends, is that I wouldnt have been able to do anything for my dad, it would have taken 2 hours to get home and then its just a waiting game. And I chose to do my waiting at the basketball game, surrounded by the team and their families. And I know that I am not buddy-buddy with everyone on the team, but some people came through and showed that they cared, and the parents/grandparents also rallied around me and offered me a place to stay, which is way more than I could have asked, but it was greatly appreciated. I am not perfect, and I did "choose" basketball over my dad, but I am at a point in my life, where I know what to expect when dad goes to the hospital- bloodwork, overnight stay, stress test, and other random tests, and dad knows that I love him and that I would drop anything for him but at the same time, I still have a life to live, I still have responsibilities. Basketball isnt just fun for me, its a job. And at the end of the day, dad is ok, for now.
Some of the good things that came out of this experience: I came out of my shell a little bit more because I was reminded that life is short, and even if its good right now, I still have some responsibility for how my life ultimately turns out. But the best thing of the experience was the flight. Mom and grandma took my car home, I rode the bus back to Transy, and a friend picked me up and I stayed with her, but now I was stuck in Lex without any of my clothes, schoolwork or even my room key so I was desperate to find a way home Sunday. One of the clients from the clinic flew from Lou to Lex to pick me up, took my back to Lou and then took me to the hospital. And though the surrounding circumstances werent that great, flying in a small plane from Lex to Lou, was freakin AWESOME. And now, I want to either marry a pilot or get my pilots license!

Today, lets toast to making lemonade out of lemons. Sure, life is always gonna mess up your plans, and sure things may not turn out as well as they did for me this past weekend, but we can still hold our head high, and we can still live life to our fullest- if not for ourselves, for our loved ones.

Tonights Gonna Be a Good Night

Maybe, although I have the urge to cry my eyes out, and I dont even know why.
Life is great, I am getting everything that I want. I am moving forward, living every day and loving it. So why the sudden sadness?
I think it has to do with loneliness. I mean I dont understand it, but I guess it fits. I need a person to vent to a person who is there, physically and emotionally, no matter what. Someone who is close- see thats my problem. I have a couple of great friends and I absolutely adore my family, but friends arent always there emotionally- and who am I to put my worries on them? And family, unfortunately isnt there physically.
Oh well, its one of those times I realize whats going on, I recognize it, take a deep breath and put it aside, too much is going right for me to stumble here.

Heres to staying on your feet, especially when on the outside things look fine and you are emotionally jumbled like no other.

The Jessie Stats era is here! :)

Last night I got my first gig at doing books for the Transy men's basketball team. I had a blast, even if the short ref was a little scary!
Coach had told me to be in the gym at 4:30, and then we didnt even leave til roughly 5:30 or a little later. So, we get to Berea and I ask coach what he wants me to do. His response? "I didnt even know you were on the bus!" And he wanted me to do the books, but he didnt HAVE any books, luckily, I did. So I said, "You mean books like this one?" and he said yes. I felt awesome. And then one of the assistant coaches came to check out what I was doing. Asked if the book I had was a book that Transy had, and I said "No, I just happened to have it laying around." He laughed, and told me congrats on being more prepared for the game than they were. It felt great. And keeping the books is MUCH easier than keeping stats, how did I not realize this before?!

On another note. I think the Saint is scared or creeped out by me. Which saddens me greatly. I dont mean to be creepy. So now I have to find a way to descare him. And no, its not going to be an elaborate scheme. In fact, its going to be more of a lack of interest. Yes, I would like to ride the same bus as him, but really, I just want to ride the bus of players that actually occasionally talk to me- even if its not often. And he hangs out with the 2 that do. So, sorry bout your luck, but I do plan on riding the same bus, I wont sit next to you unless its the last seat though. Sorry pal.

Heres to doing scorebooks at away games but being able to enjoy the home games!

The Drive Home

I thought about him today, while driving home. No, not The Saint, and No, not the Angel- shoot I havent thought about him in ages. No, not Dylan. But James.
Yes, James, and No, it wasnt upsetting in the slightest.
I compartimentalize so well sometimes that I just need to let myself let go. Not in the he's out of my life way but the, I'm gonna let my thoughts go where they want to go and not be upset when they turn to James. And turn to him they did.
Its interesting looking back on the time that I was falling for him. I was ready to take a leap of faith, I was ready to try my hand at this whole relationship thing, but he was planning on moving, so we would have only had 2-3 months. I was ready, he was holding back. Which is fine, and you know even the best laid plans dont always work, he didnt move, hes still just 20 minutes down the road from Lex, but he does have a girlfriend now, and we do still talk. Mostly I make fun of him, or I am slightly snotty, but its not that I wish him ill will, not at all, its that if I dont poke fun at things, I dont know where my mind might go- you know the "Oh, hes talking to me, wheeeeeee" type of thing. I cant do that, I dont want to do that.
And if I've said something once, I've said it a thousand times: I am really, honest to goodness, truly happy right now. My life couldnt get much better.
And the best part about being able to let myself think of James, is that I dont dwell on the angst, I dont care about the times that I was wringing my hands trying to figure him out, but I do focus on the fun times that we had. And that my friends, I think, shows that, though it wasnt perfect, it was meant to be, and its good, and it was a growing experience.
So heres to moving on, but being able look back at the good times.

Fan Girl

Sometimes I feel like a fan girl when it comes to basketball. Yes, I am helping with Transy's team, which is SUPER exciting. And yesterday we played some local guys, coached by Kyle Macy with players like Bobby Perry and Lukasz Orbzut, and I was kind of super excited. BUT I was a good girl and didnt go all fan girl in their face, I mean I bet there is nothing worse than going fan girl in the face of players when said fangirl is also stats girl.

So, here's to keeping the fan girl inside of me, and not going all crazy when I meet some awesome basketball players! Oh, and this doesnt just go for the pro team, or for UK players (on the off chance that that happens) this goes for the Transy players that I am around every day.

Needless to say, I love these guys! (And somehow I dont think they know what has hit them yet) Yes, I am the stats girl, but I am also the number 1 cheerleader, the behind the scenes girl, and I cannot WAIT to see what the season brings!

Loving Life

So I see pictures on facebook and I sigh. Part of me wants to be part of that world, you know, like how The Little Mermaid feels, but at the same time I like the person that I am. I am not a party person, and I am not a part of that world. The guys see me and they say hi to me but that is about it, I don’t know why but our relationships just aren’t that deep and yes, it sounds funny, but I like these guys and not like I want to be with them, but rather I want to be their friend. I honestly think of myself as their biggest fan. I mean seriously who else- who doesn’t have a personal agenda- would go to so many games. Now, I am not saying that I don’t have a personal agenda, but I am not a girlfriend, I am not looking to get in bed with them and I am not a family member. In fact, I just want to be their friend. No one has too many friends right?
I know that before I have talked about these boys a lot and about a specific boy more often, but I have changed my lease on life. I have changed my outlook, with the help of a friend. I decided that I could focus my energy on being friends with him instead of focusing on how he notices me and when he notices me. So, I changed the rules of the game and already I have less butterflies- its great. I hope that I can keep this going.
In other news, I feel like I am growing as a person, and I kind of love it. I don’t think my life could get much better. I am doing ok in my classes, I am enjoying my classes. I am participating in basketball season in a way that I never have before and I love that, I cannot be more excited about this opportunity- I only hope that I don’t get fired from this job! I have a great family and I am thankful for my life- period. I need nothing more in my life. I feel as if my life is complete, for the first time ever. And I absolutely love it.
I am looking forward to the next step- graduate school. And to find success in this endeavor I need to keep focusing on the schoolwork that I have now, as well as studying for the GMAT test. I think I am going to ask my mom and grandma to help me study over Christmas break- if I can.
Here’s to changing the rules of the game in order to love the life you live and live the life you love!

Blessed

A song by Martina McBride

I may not always express my gratitude for having the life that I have, and as Addison Montgomery from Private Practice said "I dont have a visible wound, but I am still broken" I feel that mentally I am sometimes broken. BUT I am grateful. I love my family.
And today especially.
Today my dad turned 53. He had a heart attack 9 years and 5 months ago. His right coronary artery was 99% blocked, but angioplasty fixed it. My dad has had various other health issues in the last 9 years, BUT he is still alive, and he is still mobile. And for that I am grateful. I feel blessed.
I only hope that he will live to walk me down the aisle, that he will get to see MY kids grow up- not just my brothers.

And then there is my grandma- my moms mom. That woman, WHOA, she impresses me. Today mom and I were signed up for a 5K run/walk. But mom is sick, so grandma went in her place. And this 81 year old woman not only kept pace with me but pushed me to my limit. She is the BEST run/walk partner ever. And now we are BOTH exhausted! I am just plain amazed and awed.

I love my family. I worry that the glue is getting either too hot and melting or too cold and becoming brittle, but I hope we can keep it somewhat together. I mean it makes sense that the relationships change- even familial relationships change. But it is hard. And I dont necessarily like it.

So heres to family, and being healthy and happy, and blessed!

Mylifeisg

Today was my half birthday. I am 20 and 1/2. I think people should celebrate half birthdays more often, no I didnt celebrate today, but I have celebrated my half birthday before.

I am in a happy place right now. I dont know how long it will last, but I am going to soak it up as long as I can. I have been reading the websites my life is average and my life is g. And my reaction is that MY life is good. I mean things arent perfect. But that is ok. I have a family that loves me (mostly- I think!). I have always had encouragement from the people around me, no matter what I have decided to pursue. AND...Basketball season is here!

But oddly enough, you know what I am MOST grateful for? I am not pregnant nor do I have any kids. I mean sure I WANT kids, definitely, I want to adopt even. But right now, I am 20, finding myself, and being selfish about that is GREAT! I am respectful to just about anyone around me but I dont HAVE to answer to anyone, not really. And I see people my age and younger, and sometimes even people who are older, and its like they never got to live out the selfish phase of life, and they try to live it as they are raising kids, and it just doesnt work.

I havent seen the Saint in a week, at least. Its easy not to care when I dont see him, but I am sure once I lay eyes on him again my silly heart will either race or beat right out of my chest. All I can do is breathe and know that there will be an end to this- eventually.

I havent talked to James since his birthday. And it feels good, believe it or not.

I may be slow at deciding to move on, but once I do, I move on really well. Being busy helps. And then there's Matt, my current rock. I dont know that he has changed my life, but rather he has simply been there for me, and that is nice. There isnt anything there, we've already been down that road. But its nice to have a good guy friend who isnt gay, not that I dont love my gay friends, but having a straight, good guy friend is wonderful.

So heres to being happy, and actually believing (for once) that I dont need a guy to be happier. I am in control of my life, and I can make things happen! Damn it feels GOOD! :)

Transparent

I feel transparent, like everyone sees through me, sees that I have a crush on him. Its tough, I dont WANT to be transparent. I already have enough insecurities.

I dont want to be the butt of jokes. I dont want to be the gossip. I really hope people dont think that I am that pitiful.

Tail lights

Yes, I'm avoiding my homework/studying. I can only read one chapter at a time. And I need to retain the information because I have a test tomorrow.
Anyway, I look out of the study lounge and I see a dark blue Ford Truck, and the tail lights are on, and they have been on for at least an hour. I seriously hope that the owner doesnt get a dead battery but at the same time I think that I would laugh if they did. Does that make me a terrible person?
I dont really have much to report today. Although the Saint walked into the caf tonight and he took me by surprise, I literally was *this* close to jumping when I saw him. Knee-jerk reaction, that I wish didnt happen. I wish that my knee-jerk reaction was smile and say hey. Although I think I would pay big bucks to see my facial expressions when I see him. Haha. Regardless, this came after having a dream about him last night- he needed a picture to do a project with, and I happened to have the picture that he needed. This, coming after a dream where I survived a terrorist attack, which strikes me as funny, and honestly, the terrorist attack dream, though I was taken hostage was not all that scary. Maybe if I am involved in a terrorist attack I might survive? Lets hope I dont get the first hand chance to find that out! :)
OH and dont you just LOVE people who get really angry when you interrupt their stories yet interrupt yours at the drop of a hat? Sooner or later I'm gonna blow up at them when they interrupt me. But NO god forbid I ever interrupt them. UGH. I definitely cannot WAIT for fall break. And then hopefully AFTER fall break I will be busy with stats, either volleyball, basketball, or whatnot.
I'm not saying that I totally hate my roommate, because I dont, and we get along- most of the time, but our differences are bigger than differences that I have had with previous roommates. And I find myself spending less and less time in my room. Sooner or later the only time I'm gonna be in my room will be the time that I am sleeping.

Anyway, heres to my big test week, and hoping that all my tests turn out ok. :)

What I want most

Yes, two postings in one day.

I sit here, and I feel blessed to have the life that I have. I know that I am better off than most people in the world- yes the world, but at the same time I do not actually have infinite resources. However, I get to go to college, I get to follow my dreams, even if they seem silly, no one has ever told me that I won't go far.
Think of the people who dont get to follow their dreams. I am talking not only about the children who arent wanted or the kids who are abused, but adults to- they have dreams too. I am talking not only about our neighbors in the poor parts of America, but the world. How often are we told of statistics from countries around the world where people arent educated, where they have to walk for miles a day just for water or where they cannot get any medical treatment.
Now, I am not a doctor, I dont ever want to be a doctor, but I am sure that somewhere in Africa there are children who want to be doctors, who want to be lawyers, who want to be SOMEBODY. And what are we doing for those kids? Those adults? We are trying to send aide there. But is that what we need to do, really?
My mom told me the other day that we dont necessarily need to send the aid but maybe we need to invest in Africa. The question is how?
Now, my mom is a smart woman, and I generally listen to her. So this whole investing in Africa has gotten me thinking.
So when I grow up, I want to be able to invest in Africa. I will find a way (I am after all an accounting major!) and I want to change the lives of people who want it. I wont push a religion on these people- because I am not religious. I think there need to be more non-religious people in the world doing good things abroad, I want to find a way to do that. And people may laugh at me, may think that I should work on the US, but really, honestly EVERY country needs investment, I just choose to invest in Africa- which I realize is a continent and not a country, but for some reason- I cant explain it totally, I feel compelled by Africa. I want to do something good for that continent. I mean after all, it IS where my mom spent half her childhood- and yes that is PART of why I want to deal with Africa, but at the same time I am not convinced that her childhood is the only reason!

So, heres to my BIG dreams. Not the small dreams that I will accomplish by the end of this year, but if I am lucky, I can achieve my big dreams sometime within the next 15 years!

A Whole New World

Its almost official. I am just a letter away from no longer being in a sorority, this is thrilling. I realize that some of these people won't like me because of my decision and I realize that I might make some enemies because I didnt fit into the sorority prototype- I mean I am pretty close, but I like to have my own thoughts and thats generally looked down upon. And honestly, I cannot wait! I do NOT have any ill will towards anyone in a sorority, but the Greek system has flaws, and they are flaws that I refuse to be a part of. I am me, I do not judge people based on knowing them for 3 days, sorry, I cannot do that- not in a public way anyway.

Breaking News:
I talked to both the Assistant Athletic Director of Transy and the Men's basketball coach and they have both told me that they would love for me to help with stats.
The Asst. AD said that he would put me in the rotation for working home games. He asked if I was willing to learn other sports, and being the person that I am, I said YES, of course! So I am learning about volleyball. And honestly the other people at the table don't really talk to me, BUT I am still having fun. I cannot wait for basketball season! The Asst. AD also told me that I was a godsend, and an Angel falling from heaven. It reminds me of a corny pick up line, but what can I say? I am getting involved with athletics and that is all I have wanted for the past year to year and a half. I am SO thrilled.
Then when I talked to the Coach, he said that there were times at away games that they got burned because they didnt have someone doing the books. And he could definitely use my help. At every away game, unless it was a non-doubleheader overnight game, and thats because he doesnt have the budget to get me my own room. But still, he said that he would take me to the games! I am gonna be on the bus, with the team! He wants to use me for scrimmages and practices too, I cannot WAIT! I mean, seriously I am willing to maybe even sacrifice my fall break in order to get this party started! HAHA.

As for other things in life. Sports has started to take over, and I couldnt be happier about that, I mean, you all know- or have at least read, I am a sports nut. And these developments have been AMAZING, in my eyes.
OH OH OH, and the other day after the volleyball game the Saint said "Whats up Jess" I about had a heartattack, I couldnt believe it, not only did he say hi to me, but he knows my name, and shortened it to my favorite nickname.
I love when guys call me Jess, but I will NEVER tell someone to call me Jess, its gotta be something that they come up with on their own.

Its time to learn how to take everything in without being SO emotionally affected. Its hard, its going to be one of my biggest challenges, but I think I am up to it. I mean maybe, if he says hi to me I am not so creepy. Maybe, just maybe we could be honest to goodness friends.
So, heres to hoping, and the whole new world of getting involved with athletics. I will keep you posted!

Oh, and as for that guy that I wrote about all summer? Yea, we are slowly maybe forming a friendship, but its not the main part of my life, and for that I am grateful. It amazes me just how much our moods and emotions can shift. People who stay on an even keel emotion wise, well I bow down to them, because I find that incredible difficult. :)