Grab Life by the Horns

I have recently read several things, and heard things, and its time that I grab life by the horns- to steal Dodge's saying!

Sure life has been great lately, I have no complaints, but I am ready to take it to the next level, I need to be more in control of the little things.

So here goes, operation "live big". I gotta start thinking more about summer and the future and just loving myself, and being healthy...

Where are you Christmas?

This year I am really laid back about Christmas. I find that I am enjoying it more than I have the past couple of years, maybe I am finally growing up. haha.

The other day, when I was driving home from Lexington, I saw a funeral procession and as I watched the police escort them down the road, and I saw 20 or so cars in line, I lost it.
This was the hardest holiday that I have gone through. And its not that anything was different than it has been the past 2 Christmas' but rather I think I finally really grieved. I miss my grandma so much. It occured to me the other day that yes, she got to see all of her grandchildren turn 18, but she didnt get to see us all married. It hit me hard when I realized that when I get married- if that ever comes around, she wont be there. On my big special day, I wont get to share it with her, petty as it may be, this saddens me greatly.
I guess the long and the short of it, is that this holiday season I really miss my grandma. And theres nothing I can really do about that, other than recognize the sadness, let it happen, and then move on.
So here's to living every day, something I plan to work on more. I dont want to waste another day!

Let it be

This is just one of those things where I just have to let it be. What happens, happens, for good or for bad, and in the end, the very end, I will die. So between now and death I gotta love the life I live and live the life I love. And I am learning that sometimes to do that I have to let go of the little details, which is hard. But I am seeing the big picture, the big picture is that I am only 20, I'm 20-25% done with my life, I mean hopefully only 20-25%. And when it comes down to it I AM an optimist, but at the same time I worry about what will happen, you know I am not oblivious to the culture around me where people get married at 20, and sometimes 25, but I mean SERIOUSLY, just about everyone I know has had a relationship by the time they are 20, and I mean a deep meaningful relationship.
Maybe I am different, maybe, like UK's freshman John Wall, I'll be a one and done person. Maybe just maybe the first person I REALLY fall for and really have a relationship with will be the only one worth it.

Oops...

I think I got a little too excited.
Maybe I tried to talk too much?
Bottom line, I dont know what I did, but I havent talked to him in almost a week, havent even SEEN him in almost a week.

Back to square one, or maybe square negative 1. haha.

That sport that I love

Basketball.
One word.
3 syllables.
My passion.
No I dont play, but who said you had to play a sport to be passionate about it.
My friends laugh at me because I pick basketball games over parties with them, I picked a basketball game over waiting in a hospital to be told if my dad was ok. This is just what basketball is to me, its that one thing that I can always turn to that will always put a smile on my face. And no, not every team is perfect, but pretty much every team is working hard.
For me, the best basketball experience has been Transy basketball. When given the choice of watching a UK game or a Transy game, I will pick the Transy game 9 times out of 10. You might stare at me in disbelief of this but its true. Know why? Because Transy plays like a team, there is no superstar, and there is no press. We barely make it on the 11 o'clock news when we win. And sure there are the leaders on the court, but there isn't one player that is all the difference, and somehow I think that is better.
No, Transy doesn't have a 10-0 record, in fact we have a 5-4 record, but we are young, and we are still finding our way. Our first game was 8 hours away, and we fell on our face, I think that gave us a bad taste for away games. And yes, we have won 2 away games since then, but there is still some disconnect. As for home games... this season we have been perfect, and last season we lost only 1 time at home! I'm not buddy-buddy with the players, but I have been to every game except that first one, and I can tell that the guys are working hard. In fact, this last game one of our freshmen who usually gets in foul trouble really early, only had 1 foul at the end of the first half. And didn't get his second foul until halfway through the second half. Unfortunately as a team, we foul a lot! But I think we will get better at it.
Throughout this I have said "we" when referring to the Transy basketball team, and I realize that I am not an athlete, I do not play on the team, but I do keep the scorebooks and have been traveling with the team, and so yes, I feel that maybe just maybe I can include myself when talking about Transy basketball. I mean I'm not gonna go out and scream at the top of my lungs that I am part of the team, because I am not, and I do realize this!
I guess what I am saying, is that I love basketball, but if you know me, you already know this! And Transy basketball is the best that I have seen, at least when it comes to teamwork! Sure I love the Cats, but they almost have a superstar status, and I kinda like being around the "lesser knowns."
And we have just as much potential as the Cats, we are just division III instead of division I- did you know that we have 6 McDonald's All-American nominees playing at Transy? And 3 Kentucky Regional players of the year? I mean sure they are freshman, but they are already contributing a great deal and it will be fun to see what they will be able to do as seniors!
I suppose this is where I stop talking about Transy basketball, you get the point! :)
Here's to Transy basketball, building on the successes and learning from the losses!

Blah

Stupid stomach that hates any and all food that I put in it.
Stupid head that is pounding
Stupid boys that dont respond the way one wants.

Blah on this day.

Bus Ride

I sit here, and I can't take my eyes off him. He is making sure everything is in order, he is counting people, planning for tomorrow and I just want to be his partner. It sounds silly but it is what it is. Somehow I feel that when he is around I will be taken care of, and let me tell you, that's a good feeling!
So here's to riding the bus and falling for him! (LOL)

No longer invisible?

How to put this? I want to know more, I yearn for details, but I dont want to seek them out, I want him to tell me, about his life, his family. And I know you cant build something out of nothing, but there is something there,and he sees me when I feel otherwise invisible. He asks about my dad even though that was several weeks ago, he talks to me in the most public places of campus. What more could a girl want?!
Ok ok, I know, but still, I mean he tells me that my crappy made on the spot score book is perfect. Really, PERFECT? I dont think so! But thanks anyway. And I mean I feel pesky, because I am almost constantly asking questions, but he tells me "dont worry about bothering me" so I mean thats good right? Now, if we can bridge the gap and talk about something other than basketball, dont get me wrong I LOVE talking about basketball, but even I will admit that basketball isnt the ONLY thing in life- no matter how much I convince my Transy family that it is. And yes there are times when I will pick basketball over something else. Like when my dad was in the hospital and I picked basketball, or like tonight, we are going on an overnight for the game tomorrow, and my Transy family is having their Christmas gathering, so I am picking basketball over that. I feel slightly bad but at the same time, this is my passion, I wish people would understand that more than they do.
I may not know where this is leading, but you can bet I am along for the ride, and I think that even if it doesnt turn into anything more than just a friendship- friendship is good... usually! :)

Sigh

This morning the house that my friends and I have nicknamed "the basketball house" had an electrical fire. They are all fine- or so I've heard. And the house had fairly minimal damage, but the reaction that I had when I heard the news?
It was an involuntary reaction that just shook my whole world. Its like the past few weeks "god" is telling me, yes you are having a good life, but just remember bad things can happen- see see? First dad then the basketball house. I mean I know that I am just a fan, and I know that these boys dont REALLY care all that much- or if they do they care only on the inside. But I seriously would have some issues to work out if they were gone. Next year is gonna be tough. And I dont want to get in their way, so I will just sit here, touch base, see them at games, but I dont think these boys- men- really know just how much they mean to me. And not in a creepy way, seriously. These people- though not always as talkative and friendly as I would like are a family to me. This is my basketball family, and I love it- its like living with a really dysfunctional family!

So, heres to them being ok, heres to saving the Christmas Tree, and heres to my basketball family!

New Territory.

Its like trying to write a new story with a new angle, its rough. No fun to go through, but necessary.
New person, new attraction. But all the rules are different.
Why is that?
I dont even see him all that often, except at games, or when it comes to basketball, so again its like admiring from a distance, and I dont know HOW to bridge the distance.
I dont know what to do, I dont know where to start. But I do know that, this time, its gonna happen on its own. I am not going to "Research" I dont plan on pushing. I'm just gonna be me, and go from there.
But my friends, this is definitely a full blown crush. Lets hope that previous experiences can help me in the end.

Mamma Mia

Here I go again, how can I resist ya?

Im starting to lose it.
Moment to moment, day to day I just want to see him.
I want to get to know him.
I dont know how to go about doing that...
which is different than my norm.
Normally I am ruthless,
I know how to get info and I go for it.
Not this time, this time I just want to take it slow.
I want to get to know him for him.
I dont want to know everything from other sources.
This is weird.
Exploring the new things in life.
Learning how to be a "normal" person (haha)

Here's to being a little more old fashioned.

Dear Heart

I might be close for falling for a new guy.
Good luck.
I am just on the edge of falling, I can feel it coming though.
I see it perfectly mapped out- but life isnt perfect.
So brace yourself.
This too shall pass.


Saturday night, while wrestling with my decision about staying at the game rather than rushing home to be with my dad a song popped into my head, and I think it has multiple meanings.
The song was "Need you now" by Lady Antebellum.
One of the lyrics is "Its a quarter after 1, I'm all alone and I need you now"
"And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now"
Saturday night I thought of my dad and how I dont know how I could do without him. So that lyric applies to him.
But we were riding the bus back to Transy and though I usually feel alone on the bus, I didnt feel that way this time. There was a person who reached out to me, asked about dad and made me smile. Things like that are wonderful. And I had been singing "Need you now" and I realized that (though not quite a quarter after 1) I needed someone, and they were there for me. So thank you, person who will remained unnamed for now.

Maybe my heart is ready, maybe its time to start letting people in, and maybe just maybe someone wants to let me in to their heart.

Or, you know maybe not. But its worth a shot! :)

Smiling.

It is the one thing that is easy to do, and just one smile can convey a number of emotions.
Here is the challenge, smile to everyone you make eye contact with, even if you arent having a good day, and even if life sucks, if you smile enough you might actually start believing something good comes out of it. So, my friends smile like theres no tomorrow!

I promise

I love the game- basketball
I will try to befriend anyone who plays.
Sure I might develop a crush on a player, but that doesnt mean that I am not capable of being friends.
I will be there for every game- well as many as possible
I will be a silent cheerleader.
I will respect bus rides
I will respect every player
I wont crash parties
But deep down, I just want to be friends- is that really so hard?

This is my promise: to be the behind-the-scenes girl, the quiet one that you may not notice, but really the one who just wants to be accepted, who wants to be your friend, but is too self-conscious to make the first move, so I will wait patiently. I will smile, wave, maybe try to talk, but I will do my best to not overstep any boundaries.

Season of Thanksgiving

This past Thursday was Thanksgiving, and I was very thankful for the life that I had. Things had started falling into place for me, and it was wonderful.

Then, Saturday, my dad had a heart issue. It was the first one to hospitalize him since 2 weeks before the start of my Freshman year at Transy.

Mom, grandma, and I were near Cincy when we got the call- we had been planning for about a month that they would come to a Transy basketball game, and this was the one. So, there we were in Cincy, and we got the call. And yes, I feel a little guilty- I stayed in Cincy for the game, while mom and grandma traveled home. Over the course of the next couple of hours I questioned my sanity. Why in the world did I pick basketball over my dad? Well, the answer my friends, is that I wouldnt have been able to do anything for my dad, it would have taken 2 hours to get home and then its just a waiting game. And I chose to do my waiting at the basketball game, surrounded by the team and their families. And I know that I am not buddy-buddy with everyone on the team, but some people came through and showed that they cared, and the parents/grandparents also rallied around me and offered me a place to stay, which is way more than I could have asked, but it was greatly appreciated. I am not perfect, and I did "choose" basketball over my dad, but I am at a point in my life, where I know what to expect when dad goes to the hospital- bloodwork, overnight stay, stress test, and other random tests, and dad knows that I love him and that I would drop anything for him but at the same time, I still have a life to live, I still have responsibilities. Basketball isnt just fun for me, its a job. And at the end of the day, dad is ok, for now.
Some of the good things that came out of this experience: I came out of my shell a little bit more because I was reminded that life is short, and even if its good right now, I still have some responsibility for how my life ultimately turns out. But the best thing of the experience was the flight. Mom and grandma took my car home, I rode the bus back to Transy, and a friend picked me up and I stayed with her, but now I was stuck in Lex without any of my clothes, schoolwork or even my room key so I was desperate to find a way home Sunday. One of the clients from the clinic flew from Lou to Lex to pick me up, took my back to Lou and then took me to the hospital. And though the surrounding circumstances werent that great, flying in a small plane from Lex to Lou, was freakin AWESOME. And now, I want to either marry a pilot or get my pilots license!

Today, lets toast to making lemonade out of lemons. Sure, life is always gonna mess up your plans, and sure things may not turn out as well as they did for me this past weekend, but we can still hold our head high, and we can still live life to our fullest- if not for ourselves, for our loved ones.

Tonights Gonna Be a Good Night

Maybe, although I have the urge to cry my eyes out, and I dont even know why.
Life is great, I am getting everything that I want. I am moving forward, living every day and loving it. So why the sudden sadness?
I think it has to do with loneliness. I mean I dont understand it, but I guess it fits. I need a person to vent to a person who is there, physically and emotionally, no matter what. Someone who is close- see thats my problem. I have a couple of great friends and I absolutely adore my family, but friends arent always there emotionally- and who am I to put my worries on them? And family, unfortunately isnt there physically.
Oh well, its one of those times I realize whats going on, I recognize it, take a deep breath and put it aside, too much is going right for me to stumble here.

Heres to staying on your feet, especially when on the outside things look fine and you are emotionally jumbled like no other.

The Jessie Stats era is here! :)

Last night I got my first gig at doing books for the Transy men's basketball team. I had a blast, even if the short ref was a little scary!
Coach had told me to be in the gym at 4:30, and then we didnt even leave til roughly 5:30 or a little later. So, we get to Berea and I ask coach what he wants me to do. His response? "I didnt even know you were on the bus!" And he wanted me to do the books, but he didnt HAVE any books, luckily, I did. So I said, "You mean books like this one?" and he said yes. I felt awesome. And then one of the assistant coaches came to check out what I was doing. Asked if the book I had was a book that Transy had, and I said "No, I just happened to have it laying around." He laughed, and told me congrats on being more prepared for the game than they were. It felt great. And keeping the books is MUCH easier than keeping stats, how did I not realize this before?!

On another note. I think the Saint is scared or creeped out by me. Which saddens me greatly. I dont mean to be creepy. So now I have to find a way to descare him. And no, its not going to be an elaborate scheme. In fact, its going to be more of a lack of interest. Yes, I would like to ride the same bus as him, but really, I just want to ride the bus of players that actually occasionally talk to me- even if its not often. And he hangs out with the 2 that do. So, sorry bout your luck, but I do plan on riding the same bus, I wont sit next to you unless its the last seat though. Sorry pal.

Heres to doing scorebooks at away games but being able to enjoy the home games!

The Drive Home

I thought about him today, while driving home. No, not The Saint, and No, not the Angel- shoot I havent thought about him in ages. No, not Dylan. But James.
Yes, James, and No, it wasnt upsetting in the slightest.
I compartimentalize so well sometimes that I just need to let myself let go. Not in the he's out of my life way but the, I'm gonna let my thoughts go where they want to go and not be upset when they turn to James. And turn to him they did.
Its interesting looking back on the time that I was falling for him. I was ready to take a leap of faith, I was ready to try my hand at this whole relationship thing, but he was planning on moving, so we would have only had 2-3 months. I was ready, he was holding back. Which is fine, and you know even the best laid plans dont always work, he didnt move, hes still just 20 minutes down the road from Lex, but he does have a girlfriend now, and we do still talk. Mostly I make fun of him, or I am slightly snotty, but its not that I wish him ill will, not at all, its that if I dont poke fun at things, I dont know where my mind might go- you know the "Oh, hes talking to me, wheeeeeee" type of thing. I cant do that, I dont want to do that.
And if I've said something once, I've said it a thousand times: I am really, honest to goodness, truly happy right now. My life couldnt get much better.
And the best part about being able to let myself think of James, is that I dont dwell on the angst, I dont care about the times that I was wringing my hands trying to figure him out, but I do focus on the fun times that we had. And that my friends, I think, shows that, though it wasnt perfect, it was meant to be, and its good, and it was a growing experience.
So heres to moving on, but being able look back at the good times.

Fan Girl

Sometimes I feel like a fan girl when it comes to basketball. Yes, I am helping with Transy's team, which is SUPER exciting. And yesterday we played some local guys, coached by Kyle Macy with players like Bobby Perry and Lukasz Orbzut, and I was kind of super excited. BUT I was a good girl and didnt go all fan girl in their face, I mean I bet there is nothing worse than going fan girl in the face of players when said fangirl is also stats girl.

So, here's to keeping the fan girl inside of me, and not going all crazy when I meet some awesome basketball players! Oh, and this doesnt just go for the pro team, or for UK players (on the off chance that that happens) this goes for the Transy players that I am around every day.

Needless to say, I love these guys! (And somehow I dont think they know what has hit them yet) Yes, I am the stats girl, but I am also the number 1 cheerleader, the behind the scenes girl, and I cannot WAIT to see what the season brings!

Loving Life

So I see pictures on facebook and I sigh. Part of me wants to be part of that world, you know, like how The Little Mermaid feels, but at the same time I like the person that I am. I am not a party person, and I am not a part of that world. The guys see me and they say hi to me but that is about it, I don’t know why but our relationships just aren’t that deep and yes, it sounds funny, but I like these guys and not like I want to be with them, but rather I want to be their friend. I honestly think of myself as their biggest fan. I mean seriously who else- who doesn’t have a personal agenda- would go to so many games. Now, I am not saying that I don’t have a personal agenda, but I am not a girlfriend, I am not looking to get in bed with them and I am not a family member. In fact, I just want to be their friend. No one has too many friends right?
I know that before I have talked about these boys a lot and about a specific boy more often, but I have changed my lease on life. I have changed my outlook, with the help of a friend. I decided that I could focus my energy on being friends with him instead of focusing on how he notices me and when he notices me. So, I changed the rules of the game and already I have less butterflies- its great. I hope that I can keep this going.
In other news, I feel like I am growing as a person, and I kind of love it. I don’t think my life could get much better. I am doing ok in my classes, I am enjoying my classes. I am participating in basketball season in a way that I never have before and I love that, I cannot be more excited about this opportunity- I only hope that I don’t get fired from this job! I have a great family and I am thankful for my life- period. I need nothing more in my life. I feel as if my life is complete, for the first time ever. And I absolutely love it.
I am looking forward to the next step- graduate school. And to find success in this endeavor I need to keep focusing on the schoolwork that I have now, as well as studying for the GMAT test. I think I am going to ask my mom and grandma to help me study over Christmas break- if I can.
Here’s to changing the rules of the game in order to love the life you live and live the life you love!