Back To December

It's a song by Taylor Swift. And it describes my feelings of at least the past week fully.
I know that I can't change things, and that its useless looking on the past, but that does not stop me from doing such things.

Its sad that I get inspired to write when I am having hard days with respect to J. Last night was super tough because I've missed him so much lately- we met 2 years ago last Sunday, and of course since I am a dates person, I remember that.
I effectively deleted him out of my life in December. And I miss him. I know that a real "relationship" between us is impractical, and I know that it won't work. But its not just the thought of a relationship that I miss, because technically we were never more than friends. *Sigh*

Yesterday I wrote in my journal and it was like 3 pages of J. Its weird because I struggle to protect my heart, but on the other hand I want to be certain and not have that what if later in life, and I dont know which will win out.

But I had a dream about him last night. I was on spring break and staying at my parents house. In the dream I had had the same struggle that I am having now, and I decided that what the hell, what could I lose by making contact- its not like if he doesnt respond that anything will be different. So I went to tractor supply- it seemed the easiest way to get in touch with him. His work is 2 hours away from my house, and for some reason I was in mom's car, and dad was at tractor supply for something too. I go inside, and at first I figure he might not be working because its a Sunday (back when we were still talking and he got this new job he said that he would likely have Saturday and Sunday off). But I'm looking around and casing out all the workers, and then I see him helping a customer. We make eye contact, and then I go and intently look at screwdrivers, or something equally random. And he comes over and says hey, and I notice that he has a hugely swollen hand- think Hulk hand on a guy that is 6'4'' and 150 pounds at the most. And I say "hey, can we talk?" And we walk around the store, and I apologize for October, and talk about how I miss our friendship and was wondering if we could start fresh (for the 3rd year in a row). He listened patiently, told me that he missed our friendship as well but was worried about being friends again, but he would be willing to give it a shot. And then I told him its all good, it would have to be slow anyway, because I cant tell any of my Transy friends that he is back in my life- they would like lock me away. And then we parted ways, kind of with a bittersweet feeling.

Then at the end of the dream, I got into mom's car and I didnt turn it on but accidentally put it into drive. And it started rolling, and there were hills and because it wasnt on I couldnt put it back in park, but because it wasnt in park I couldnt put it on. But the brakes worked, not 100% but enough to keep me out of trouble, so I searched for a hill to go up so that the car would stop completely so that I could turn it on. And eventually ended up in a park, got the car started fine, drove off, and woke up.


I don't know what is gonna happen, but I am sure it will be a learning experience.

So here's to learning something new, even if it throws your world upside down and involves some emotional pain!