Walking

The past few days i have been walking with different people at Bernheim Forrest. I have walked the same trail yet each day its been different. It acutally has been really nice. The weather has been great and the company is pretty good too. :) The best thing i think these walks have done is a form of therapy kind of. Really its been good to walk and talk to my friends and my mom about whatever is going on. Its a time to not think about anything in the world but me and the person that i am walking with. I am really hoping to make this a almost daily activity. Well then, I just wanted to talk about my walking experiences. Not only am i getting some quality time with people, but i am also getting exercise! Well then, til next time....
Jessie

Back to Normal.

My life is finally slowly getting back to normal. Well normal for my life! I got my job back and though I dont really want to work it means that I will get paid and that makes me VERY happy! I am looking forward to getting a break from school. Its not really stressful right now and I am keeping up and even doing some things ahead of time but I am really getting tired of the people. I can only take people in small doses and this months dose for some reason feels like its about 5 times too much. Right now I feel as if my teachers pretty much trust me with everything. I run errands for teachers and I even get put in charge of classes and its something to take pride in I guess. Im not the type to rebel but right now I just wish people wouldnt tell me their expectations for me or even how proud of me they are. I know this is something silly to complain about bur really I just want to be Jessie. Not "oh, I'm so proud of who you are, Jessie;" or "your parents should be so proud of you." I guess I really need to focus on what makes me happy and then for everyone else just let them think what they want to think. Most important, I think, is that I become a person that I would be happy to be. Lately I have been thinking a great deal about my future and college. I am getting excited about college but I still havent got a clue of what I want to do. There's nothing that just jumps out at me or anything that I really have a passion for. For some reason lately I have thought about doing something having to deal with theology. Its not something that i thought would be something for me to do, however all the different aspects of all the different religions completely intrigue me. I love learning about the different traditions and everything that people do for their religion. Its all very interesting to me. But then I dont really know what I would do with a theology major. Nor do I know how I would fit theology in a medical field. I think thats what I will go into because I am so much a math and science person. So therefore I think the medical field is my destiny, maybe with a minor of theology. Who knows. Well back to my European History homework. Til next time..... Jessie

Today's thoughts

I wonder what people think of me and what I have become. The adults that I know keep telling me that they are proud of me but what about my peers. I know that peer pressure is something that people avoid but even good students and students that are clean still are affected by peer pressure. Well, at least I am. Its important to me to be accepted. I don’t know why. I still like walking to my own music but I want backup to be there when I stumble or when I am unsure of myself. My biggest problem that I deal with every day is the problem of not being loved by guys my age. I know that this will change and I am counting down the days until that happens. However, its hard to see happy couples and to keep a smile on my face when things just aren’t perfect. The happy go lucky person that is pretty much always smiling and has gotten the nickname of “smiley”. That’s the person that everyone knows. There is another person here and its someone that people don’t get to see so often, it’s a hidden and secret identity. This person is stronger than I am, she is bold and speaks her mind. This girl is unafraid of anything that comes her way. She takes everything in as it comes to her. She lets things flow around her and pick her up and take her when its ready. This woman is angered easily and doesn’t get over things so easily. She gets really hurt easily too. It really hurts her and makes her mad when she has plans with someone and then those plans fall through. The excuses that are given usually sound really fake to me. Spending time with the family is understandable, but is that really what is going to happen or did you just not want to hang out with me in the first place. If what I suggested was something that really doesn’t sound fun to you then DON’T say “oh yea lets do that” because saying that gets my hopes up and then I am just disappointed. I am an eternal optimist but sooner or later I am going to break and not be so happy go lucky. I will snap and whoever gets the brunt of my wrath may not end up being my friend after I am done telling them exactly what I think. I am a people pleaser but at some point I have to please myself too. Its hard, and scary. Life is happening all around me and somehow I feel as if I am just watching it and not actually living it. On the other hand I am someone who just goes with the flow because that’s what is easiest to do. One day I will break the mold that I have created and I will shock everyone around me, including myself. The bottom line of all this and what got me talking in the first place was the fact that breaking plans really aggravates me. If we plan something then follow through. Bottom line. I can understand family emergencies but not every time we have plans. And I can understand having to spend time with your parents but not every time we are supposed to do something. When people say things like this to me it make me feel inadequate, even though I’m not. It makes me feel like a loser and I hate the feeling. So next time you initiate something I will probably have “other plans” even if its not right, it makes me feel better. I know that it just starts a cycle but I don’t really care. So that’s my thoughts for now. Til next time….

Update

Ok so now some hectic life things are over and this is my time to do some reflecting. Dad had kidney stone surgery last Friday. I got my Prom dress on Friday, with help from 2 fun people and a very special dog! My grandma will probably be gone in less than 3 months. And I have seen real and pictures of some really attractive boys!

Dad's surgery went well and he is happier!

My prom dress is FREAKIN awesome. I really like it. Although it is red and i am not really a red person I must say that it looks pretty good on me!

Its hard to think that my grandma wont live much longer but really it will be better for her. She has changed so much and I really want to remember her for who she was and not who she has become and I realize that saying this might make me seem selfish but hey, maybe I am. I dont plan on visiting her until the inevitable happens. I love her and told her that last time I saw her.

Both attractive boys that I have seen recently are boys that I have known for a while but I must say that they, hmm how to put it, they have grown nicely since the last time that I have seen them.

As for a huge decision that I am facing in the next month or so: College, I think that in my mind i have really made my decision, however my body is saying that i just need to wait for my overnight visit.

So back to the present and whats rolling out of my mind right now! I am really looking forward to college, not just for the moving on and growing up but also for the people that I really hope to meet. Honestly I am hoping to have a happy relationship by this time next year. So far, i have lived most of my "love life" in my dreams and through books (though i really dont like romance novels, I have only read one that could even count as one). I am excited and somewhat anxious to have a fun, happy relationship.

Final thoughts: Your life reflects the way that you live. Life is what you make of it, and being an eternal optimist, even though the last month hasnt been great for me, I was continually thankful that it wasnt worse. I wasnt having the best of months and yet I kept thinking about people in places like Africa. So though life hits hard every now and then, always remember, it could get worse and if you are negative about things it probably will, though if you think positive thoughts, it will get better.

Wow, I think I got a good bit of rambling in! Til next time....
Jessie

Being There

Hey there, here's a new poem. Enjoy! I'll leave the origin to your imagination! :)

I told him what I needed
and he said that he was there
I asked him if I hurt him
And he said that he got over it
He should know I didn’t mean to
Now he loves someone else and doesn’t care…
As much; but still he goes on a limb
And is there whenever I have a fit
He tells me that he will always think of me as more than just a friend
I tell him that I still care for him
And I don’t want to step on any toes
He has someone new that he loves
A girl that doesn’t know what she’s got
I was like that to
It was hard for us to go our separate ways
And harder still to make it work
But he says he will always be there for me
I will always be thankful for that
The door swings both ways
And I hope that he will remember that
For I will always talk to him
If that’s what he needs
Even if its 2am and he’s on his knees
Or later like 4
When I am ready to hit the floor
To me he will always be Mr. Mysterious
Even if its just friends for us.

Til next time....
Jessie (finally getting back to her old self)

Stress Attack

Well today was an interesting day. I went to school and almost at the end of my first class, I had a panic type thing happen. It was tachycardia. My heart rate shot up to 120-130 beats per minute for no apparent reason. I also have an ear and sinus infection. My dad is ok, after a stint in the ER last Friday because of superventricular tachycardia. And my grandma is losing it as she is dying. I am an emotional wreck and only wish for a guy to hold me while I cry. I haven't been able to cry everything out yet. I want to so bad but when I am by myself its just so hard. It doesn't have to be a boyfriend either because I know I am just not up for that right now but you know, a friendly shoulder that will just be there for as long as it will take. Right now though, I am living on my dreams that I am having of the summer, looking forward to college (no matter how scared of it I am) and books that I am reading. These things are the only things giving me a reprieve from the hardest week to date in my life.

I was just reading a friend's bulletin on myspace and one of the questions is: What is the most unsatisfactory answer you've ever received? and right now I'm really wanting to answer just that one question. Ok so the MOST unsatisfactory answer I have ever received is "we are to good of friends, your like a sister to me." Now guys, listen up. This is not a good answer for a lot of reasons. First, its NOT what the girl wants to hear. Second it hurts just as bad or worse than almost anything else you can say. And third, its just a stupid rejection, DONT USE IT!

Ok so now I am going to go complain to some of my friends, maybe they will listen to me or at least read about my feelings.
Til next time, I'm feeling sorry for myself!
Jessie

Life

So life has recently put some road blocks up. They aren't as bad as some that people experience but nonetheless they aren't fun and I am in the mood to share them. As you all know my grandmother fell back in August, she fell again in late December and has been living in an assisted living home. She is now screaming telling everyone that she is wanting to die. She is going downhill REALLY fast. This is really hard for me because she may be the FIRST person that I am close to to ever die. It is really scary for me. Another block was last Friday my dad had an episode of SVT, super ventricular tachicardia (i don't know if that is spelled right or not). Basically it is where someone's heart starts beating REALLY fast, like 200 beats per minute. This is the second time my dad has been hospitalized for SVT in a month and a half. He is ok now but he has had two different kinds of episodes since Friday and that too is scary. Not only is my dad having heart issues he also has bronchitis, as does my mom. And becuase I am living in a house with two sick people I too am sick. So that is my life at the moment. OK, now that I have that out I think I can concentrate on my homework. Does everyone know that on top of this life I have 2 Advanced Placement classes going on in addition to volunteering for 2 organizations and all my school activities? Ok I am really done complaining now. Comment me, it may be able to distract me just a little. Til next time....

Blurred Away

I don’t know what to say
My feelings are all mushed and life has blurred away
See, I like this guy
But I am so shy
I think he is too
So this will be something very new
We don’t know each other very well
And as far as I can tell,
He’s got the best personality.
My friends say that guys just don’t see all of me
But I think he just might
Its too soon to tell, but I’ve been up all night
I can’t get him out of my mind
Maybe he’s the one that will be able to find
The real me, the one that others pass over
Maybe he will see what’s below the cover
But until that happens, life is calling
Though I seem to be falling
I hope that I can keep my head above the water
I don’t want to falter
I have done that so much in the past
And its not something that I want to happen again, so fast.

Hey everyone, this is my newest poem. Its like a week old, but hey its here. This one isn't really about a particular person but more about several people. OK then I'll write again soon.
Til next time...
Jessie

The big 5 - 0 (post number 50)

I just got some pretty exciting news today. A friend of mine that has been living in Israel will be coming back across that big blue ocean sometime this summer. This is really exciting for me. Man, I really hope that they get to come to KY to meet my friends! I was actually hoping that they would be able to come in May, but no such luck. So it looks like this will be a short post because I have nothing more to say. Well, til next time.
Jessie

What I really need

So I have realized one of my biggest problems, and its sad that it took me so long to realize this. I find myself falling for guys a lot and before now I didnt realize why I would fall for someone only to be hurt. Its my want to fit in. But now that I know this maybe I will not get so hurt so often. See today, thanks to my brother, I realized that the only people that I absolutely need right now are my family. Yes, my friends are important too but my family is the most important. I hope that one day I will find the right guy and that I will hold on to him. See another problem of mine is that I find guys that really like me and we will go out but soon after we start "going out" I realize that they aren't the ones for me so I dump them. This has happened twice in the past year. I dont know why but I get scared off too easily. Yea, this is a flaw of mine but its something that I am going to learn to deal with and hopefully this WONT keep me from someone that I really love. But until then I guess those who I date will have to live with my flaws and hopeiflly one day I wont get scared of the one who really matters. So til next time....
Jessie

Almost 1 year anniversary

So as I am writing this blog I am remembering all that has happened in the almost year that has gone by since I created this. In the past year I have:
Liked many people
Had 1 (yes 1) relationship ( and it lasted all of a week and a half)
Missed the ones that I grew up with
Cried Several times
Been called a stalker
Gotten addicted to Myspace
But as I say some of the big things that have happened in the past year. The thing that is on my mind is something that has happened within the last month. See I had fallen for another guy. I apparently do this quite often and quite hard. And as of yesterday he has a girlfriend. This really shocked me. See I thought that I might actually have a chance with this guy. The main reason behind my thinking was that he was older than me. So I thought that this was my chance to really have a good relationship. See I have only had 2 real relationships in my life and only one kiss, but that is besides the point. The point is that with both relationships I was the older person. This doesnt really bother me but when I found this new guy, lets call him KS I was happy at the thought of maybe having a relationship with him. I think that I really had deep feelings for him. I thought of him differently than I had other guys that I have liked.

I guess this post is just for me to get some hard feelings out, though that is often the base upon which I write.

I do realize that one day I will hopefuly find my prince charming. This is not quite the thing that I want to think about. Like some of my close friends, I want a person to love me now. Someone that will hold me and be there for me. I have great friends and a great family but its just not the same. For all the girls out there that are 16 and over and havent really had a good relationship yet. Hang in there, we will all get our chance someday. Our peak is NOT in high school. Our peak is later in life, when its much more rewarding. Hope that I have inspired someone and right now some comments would sure cheer me up!! So til next time.....
Jessie

Delirious

Hey everyone heres a new poem, lately ive been inspired i guess. Life is pretty great. Ill let you all know more as the days go by! So here goes:
Talking to you is amazing
it makes my heart start ablazing
you melt my heart and soul
especially when you call me beautiful
it brightens my day
no matter what you say
you call me your beautiful angel
and it leaves my feelings in a tangle
ive never been called anything like that
it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, like a cat
everything you say makes me smile
so much so that i feel like a child
anytime i think of you i get butterflies
you make me feel like im flying high
i dont care about what you have done
even if you have been shunned
as long as you dont lie to me
we can be together happily
you make me feel delirious
when im around you, my Mr. Mysterious

Ok thats it for now. Til next time....
Jessie

Another Poem

This is a poem that I wrote a while ago but I wanted to share it.
Sadness

Im all dressed in white
though the top is a little tight
ive been sitting here for quite a while
my mouth making a small smile
everybodys crying
and i feel like im flying
i see my mom
but i cant tell whats wrong
i want to ask her
but i cant find the words
look, theres dad
why is he so sad?
i dont understand
was this all planned?
whats wrong with me?
didnt anyone hear my plea?
i couldnt breathe
I was huffin' and puffin'
but no one could see
now im dead, in a coffin
all because i was raped and beaten
now my friends and family are all weeping

A serious subject, I know but its something thats in our world and we shouldnt jsut tun our backs.. Til next time

New Poem

Hey everyone. Here is a poem that I wrote for fun. I was trying to thin of a subject and marriage just came to me. Sad, I know but it kept me busy!! So here it is...

THe Happiest Day of My life?

why is everyone so happy
when i feel so crappy
its supposed to b the happiest day of my life
so why am i not seeing the light
whats wrong with me
why do i want to flee
i think i love him
but why am i so scared
im walking down the aisle now
everyone is smiling
maybe its the right choice
then i hear his voice
and all my fears go away
i know now this is where im going to stay
we say our vows
we're husband and wife now
and forever we will be
until death do us part
whenever that may be
a perfect ending
to a shaky beginning
it took us a while
and it all started with a smile
we were both suffering from broken hearts
but it was a good place to start
we werent looking for a relationship
but we found that and so much more
this man is my life
and when im with him everything else dissolves

Living Life

Its important to live your life. This is something that took me a while to figure out. I have gotten to the point where I'm not hung up on a guy but I am happy. I have known for a long time, thanks to my mom that I dont NEED a guy, I just have always wanted one. Now, it has gotten to the point now where I dont really want a guy. I suppose thats the wrong way to say it, let me explain. I will always WANT a guy but at the moment I am content with life and I am not LOOKING for a guy. Not that I was ever good at looking for them before, but thats a different story. Anyway, life is good. People have to realize that just because you want something to happen doesnt mean that it will. I think that once you come to terms with that, then you are able to live your life. This is the point when life becomes fun! So for all those who have broken hearts and those who havent gotten the chance at a relationship. I consider a real, good relationship more than a month, that may be wrong but for me thats what it is. So til next time, I hope I have inspired some people to live their life...
Jessie

Dont you hate being sick?

Well I have been sick for almost a week now and it really sucks. Right now I'm trying to get some homework done but its just not happening. Also at this very moment people are putting tile in my room. Is it called installing? I dont know but oh well. So Ive heard from my friend in Israel yesterday and today after like 3 months of no communication at all. So I am glad that he has finally checked his email. I bought a new CD playerfor my car thats exciting. Really, and I am going to have a friend install it tomorrow. Well I think im going to go read a book or write a poem. Til next time....
Jessie

Being able to talk

Well first I to thank a friend for being there when I needed to talk. It wasnt a long conversation and I dont know if they got anything out of it but they need to know that it was a talk that I needed to have. So thanks Justin. Ok I guess my life isnt terrible right now but it is kinda weird. I find myself thinking long and hard about a frienship that I have had for a long time. I want to be there for all of my friends but its kinda hard when they arent always there for me and when they are doing stuff that I dont like or things that I dont understand. Man I cant wait for high school and all the drama from it is over. I guess all of this could be because I am sick so I have been sitting around doing nothing in particular.
On a lighter note. I went to Big Blue Midnight Madness on Friday night. It was a lot of fun. Something that I have wanted to do for a while.
Well everyone, it think I'm done venting here, so til next time....
Jessie

Telling the Truth

This is not meant towards anyone in particular but it was just something that I was thinking about today. I wish that people would always tell the truth AND not contridict themselves. Like if you believe in something then you dont need to do something that contridicts what you believe in. The best example I can think of is God people who believe in God and then they go and ave sex with their significant other. Isnt pre-marital sex like against the Bible? See I dont know all my facts because I'm not a religious person but it seems to me that all those people who want to convert me have said that pre-marital sex is against religion in general. So i completely and totally hate it when people who supposedly believe in God and are his devout followers go and do something that they teach is wrong. This isnt just one thing that I have just happened accross, I'm just now venting about it. Another thing that I hate is when people lie. If I ask you a question I want you to answer it honestly. Ok so I think thats it, my rant for the day. Til next time everyone...

Understanding

Well first thing is first. Life at the moment is going ok. My grandma is now home and doing pretty good. They didnt discover anything truly bad except for her eating habits.
Theres just one thing that I really want to touch on today and so here it is...Bear with me.
People keep telling me that I dont understand what they are talking about but what they need to know is that I understand more than they know. I know about commitment and loss and love, boy do i kbow about love. (Another story) I am a pretty easy person get along with but I dont like to be told that I dont understand. So this is me: I am a person with feelings and they get hurt very easily. I love animals and traveling. OK I think Ive gotten my point across.... Now for more fun news.
I got my senior pictures this past weekend and they turned out really good.
umm.... let me think... I dont know that I have any other news at the moment.
Oh wait... I dont know how many of you all out there know this but my senior ring was stolen oh, I think the day after Labor Day so I was looking at my ring policy and turns out you can get a replacement for about 1/3 of what it originally cost me which is kinda expensive but I really liked that ring so I might just have to do that. Ok I think thats it...Til next time....
Jessie

The Perfect Guy

Lately it seems as if I have liked guys that just arent right. I know this is normal but I want it to be out there the type of guy that I really want. And if you are reading this and you are this guy feel free to contact me!

I want a guy who:
is up front with his life and doesnt hide things from me no matter how bad his past is
a guy who will call me every now and then, but not 4 times a day
one who will trust me and one that I can trust
a guy that wants to be with me because of my personality
he has got to make me laugh
I want a guy that likes to travel
one that knows when to back off and when I need to just cry in his arms
and the last thing about my perfect guy.... hes very romantic.... doing stuff for me that is really sweet

For the most part, this is my perfect guy. I know hes out there somewhere, I just hope I find him soon. Well til next time....
Jessie