Love who you love

By Rascal Flatts

One of the hardest, but best qualities to cultivate is the love for yourself. Or maybe its just me that finds it hard. But I truly believe that finding a love for myself will help me in all aspects of my life. And you know, for some reason, turning 21 mellowed me out. I feel happier now than I have been in a LONG time.

Keys to loving myself: knowing that I am not perfect all the time, being happy with the life I lead, contributing to society, running, telling those that I love that I love them.

Lately though, the hardest thing for me is giving up pieces of myself to others, so that they can be a bigger part of my life. Learning how to actually greet people is a struggle.

But my biggest struggle right now is with a specific someone. He said something about me not calling him today, and well my gut reaction was: you are right, I dont call you, but that is because any time that I think about calling you its when I am struggling with something, whether its an internal struggle or external. And I have decided that I have to learn how to rescue myself before I can let others rescue me. In the past I have put too much faith in finding the right person that will make everything better. But really, its me, I am the right person. And if I have a companion, fantastic, but I need to really honest to goodness love myself first.

So, heres to saving myself, I dont need no stinkin prince! :)

Mine all Mine

Its a Shedaisy song.

First of all, this life is mine all mine. Second, I am learning how to be happy with me. Slowly, one day at a time, I am starting to figure it out. Even starting to figure out things with boys. I have a great friend who honestly I really couldnt ask for a better guy in my corner, at least one who isnt related. And he even knows and is going through the same things that I am.

So, I got distracted and didnt finish writing what I wanted to write, so moral of the story, be yourself, do what YOU want to do, and as one of my oldest friends told me the other day: "Life will be what you want it to be. You will have that man in your life that makes you smile. And that is very important. But if you don’t have that man.. you will still smile."

Here's to being happy, even if its for one moment in a day, one day in a month, one month in a year and one year in 10. :)

Happy Birthday, its a big one!

So, now its a day after my birthday. And I feel almost as if I missed it! Oh well.
Our favorite person called me yesterday, talked to me for 22 minutes and didnt even wish me happy birthday! But liked talking to me when he passed his crash site (where he totaled his Jeep last August) because I calm him down. Seriously?! He calls me, not his girlfriend? I don't get it, I just don't. Can ANYONE explain this to me??
People tell me that he's got me on the back burner, there just in case. And that he contacts me because he knows that I wont ignore him. But what I see is a strong woman that makes him come to me. Sure, I'll initiate conversation some, but its mostly him. At least 7 times out of 10 he talks to me first, whether its on facebook, or calling me. Granted if we have a text conversation, I generally text him first. But still, 7 times out of 10. There's gotta be some sort of subconscious appeal there, right? I dont know, I am totally confused.
Don't get me wrong, I don't MIND talking to him often. And it kinda makes me secretly smile that HE generally makes initial contact. But overall, big picture, I am kind of confused.
So, who's got answers for me?!


As for my birthday... how do I feel about being 21?
Well...
My grandma was married at 19.
One of my brothers got married at 21, his wife was 20 at the time. They had their first kid within a year.
My oldest brother was born 11 days before my dad turned 22.
My other sister-in-law had just turned 22 when she married my brother. They too had their first kid within a year.

In short... I feel a little behind the times.
Sure, my mom was 27 when she married my dad, and then waited another 3 years before I was born.
But I've always said I wanted to get married at 23 and have kids at 25, and well that really, REALLY doesnt look too promising. Which is kind of saddening.
On the other hand, I am USUALLY happy with my life. I mean I want to finish school and grad school and have a career and such, but I still WANT a man in my life, ya know?! lol.
Ok, birthday rant over... OH and I didnt cry on my birthday this year! :)

Wonder where I've been, where I am going.

People say that he keeps me around because I am a safe bet, someone to fall back on. You know, a sense of security. And that may be true, but geez, the comfort I feel talking to him. I know he has a girlfriend, I know that he isnt necessarily the person that I want him to be, but he is my friend, and we as people look beyond imprefections in friends. I mean no one is perfect, and we are not always going to get along with the person that is our friend, so why do we always expect perfection in relationships? Its not fair to anyone.

Regardless, I am happy in life once again, not troubled with the heartwrenching feelings that I am not good enough, that I am too fat, or ugly or asymmetrical. But rather rejoice in the fact that I am me. I smile, a lot, and I love sports, and I get giddy at some of the smallest things, but thats ok, and I am loved. No matter what happens my brothers love me- they may roll their eyes at me, but they do love me. And my parents are some of the most supporting parents in the world. And my grandma, man, she is just plain fantastic. My friends, well like the tides, our intensity of friendship ebbs and flows but I know that they love me in their own way, and I them.

Back to him. He has talked to me almost every day this week, is it a good thing? I dont know. I dont know how to define anything that happens between us, I mean I guess we are friends. It seems as though we are friends, but you know, even though he has a girlfriend there is still that undercurrent. Something is there, and I try to ignore it, because we made a decision last summer that we werent gonna define ourselves in that way. But the other night, I laid down to go to sleep, thinking of him because he was the last person I talked to and the images that flashed in my head as I closed my eyes were kisses, lots of them. I am not saying that they mean anything in the real world, but obviously there are connections drawn in my mind. Damn, you know? I thought I was getting rid of those!

Obviously, as a person trying to sift through emotions, one of the things that I could do is cut him out of my life. But really, I'm not that kind of person, you have to seriously hurt me physically or emotionally to be deleted out of my life, or delete me first. And he hasnt done that. You know, I never really thought that people could split amicably but now I realize that it isnt necessarily not hurting, but rather the best decision for the time. And, I gotta say, I have no regrets.
I do however, have lots of memories, and dates tied to him.
3-20 First met him
4-22 Bowling, and at midnight everyone sang me happy birthday,and when he left he said Happy Birthday to me
5-14 Calling him and leaving him a voicemail when I was drunk off my ass.
5-19 He came home with me and left an impression on my parents
6-6 I went and stayed the night at his apartment
Week of July 4- He told my sister in law that he wanted me for more than just a booty call, but rather for a relationship
7-11 I decide that having no contact with him would be in my best interest
7-25 I decide that I cant not have contact with him and he tells me that not talking to me had been "killing him"
And then dates get fuzzy for a while because we had lots of ups and downs.
The funny thing about all these dates, is that never have I remembered so many dates in connection with 1 person. I mean, seriously. I dont even remember when my first date with Matt was.

Oh well. I guess every person that comes into one's life leaves their own footprints. Whether they are emotions, dates, or even both. Its those moments, those solitary moments that you shared with certain people, that make everything else worthwhile.

So heres to the moments in our lives with the people that we love, the people that confuse the hell out of us, or even the people that we love to hate.

P.S. Sleep and I need to become friends once again!

Let it be.

Yup, thats a Beatles song.

The other day I went and saw James. I dont know what made me do it, other than the fact that I just felt the need that I had to go, no matter what, I had to go. So I did. And you know it was good. I dont know if I was trying to prove to myself that I was ok without him or if I felt that I would need him more after seeing him, but what happened was I let him go. Yes, thats right, all that heart pounding, this is the man that I would marry if we had met at a different time, it was gone. In fact, I thought to myself, that if people, women specifically, could let go of guys, the way that I just had, then the world would be a little more peaceful. And by peaceful I just mean people wouldnt get stuck so long on heartbreak. Sure, James and I had our ups and downs, and no I didnt always know what was happening, was he hitting on me or just being a friend? But I stuck with him, I think more than anything else, because he always felt real to me. What do I mean by real? Well I always struggle to define this, but he didnt really play games with me, he (with a few exceptions) told me straight up how things were. And I felt that we were always friends first, which we really were. Finding that friendship again, after the more romantic-y and less-than-platonic feelings that we had shared last summer was really good. I dont know if it was him or me, but we took it slow, occasionally talking and then talking more often, and even more often. Yes, going to see him may have set us back a little, but thats ok no one is perfect.
Regardless, you know that elusive "everything will be fine" state of mind that everyone tells you about. The, "if you forget about him, you will be happier", the just "let it go" you know what I am talking about right? Well I finally found it, and it feels so much better than anyone could ever even try to describe. I am not saying that it is easy, or that everyone can do it, but its all about the mentality, and the willing to look at the bigger picture. You know all the cliches? Well they are passed down for a reason. And maybe its just me, but those cliches really do make sense, sometimes.

Anyway, heres to hoping that you, whoever you are, can feel this sense of peace, even in the insanity that life brings daily.

Gotta Rant

Seriously? You call me because you have a sick dog. Its like you know you are playing with my heartstrings and that I will get swept into this situation. I dont like it, but I cannot help it because I cannot look away when it comes to a sick animal.
*Sigh*

Heres to separating Church from state... feelings from what needs to happen.

Hot and Cold

Yes and No, In and out, up and down. (Inspired by the Katy Perry song)

I have known you only a year. 1 year, 1 week. And within that year there has been this HUGE array of memories. Some of the good, some of the bad. But regardless, neither one of us has let go. I dont know if we can, does that sound to presumptuous? I mean seriously, when I said no contact that should have been it. But it was too hard on me, and you said it sucked for you too. Then limited contact throughout the fall and winter and now all of a sudden, its like we have traveled back in time- almost exactly a year. I dont know what to do with it. I dont know how to handle it. You have been the most real relationship I have had and we never even made it into the relationship. So what gives, what do I do to protect myself but not lose you, is it even possible? Better yet, is it really worth it?

I dont know. But I will try. I dont want to be the other girl, it was blurry as to whether that happened last year, and I dont want to play that game again. If anything I want you to be just mine, one on one, no extra people. But it seems you have moved on and whether you know it or not, and whether I like it or not, it feels as if I am the backup girl.

My pride and joy in this whole situation is that I have not cried over you. Frustrated? Yes. Angered? yes. Hurt? sure. But tearful? Not once. And whether or not I like the fact that the saying "He who makes you cry isnt worth the tears and he who doesnt is" or some variation of that, is stuck in my head, it definitely influences me. You havent ever made me cry, and for some reason or another that speaks volumes in and of itself. And I cannot shake it.

The way that you have an uncanny ability to almost literally bring me to my knees in surprise is a pain in the butt. And the fact that you remember and freaking bring up some of our "moments" just flabbergasts me. I mean seriously, last night you watched Twilight and New Moon and brought up the night that you first saw Twilight. A night that I will never forget. And then I asked if you ever read the books. And apparently you have, so I commended your girlfriend for getting you to read the books, but you said it wasnt her who got you to read the books. No, apparently when I told you you should read the books you did. I mean SERIOUSLY? You like UK basketball? WHAT THE HELL?!

I feel that I will never be able to forget you, not that I would want to. However, this just friends thing we have scares the shit out of me. Because for me, those memories that I have, they cloud my vision. We had some good things. And you still talk about hanging out, it just scares me. YOU scare me.

Here's an analogy for how I feel. I feel like I am a fish that bit down on a baited hook. You were the fisherman, and reeled me in. You took the hook out and treated me special for a while. Then you put me in a cooler and its yet to be decided whether or not you are going to let me go free at the end of the day.

Heres to hoping that the worst fate that this fish comes to is just being put in an aquarium and not being fried for dinner, because I am sure if you were to take me home for dinner things would definitely end in tears.

I said it once last year that you had me hook line and sinker and that you needed to either fish or cut bait. So I think you have fished and yet I still dont have much control over what happens.

Here's to being able to live a life as a fairly happy fish and not being fried for lent! :)

Who am I kidding, Really?

Do you remember James, the guy I had such convoluted emotions about over the summer?
Yea well apparently we are still friends, it took a while but I became ok with it. In fact I have to be careful about what I say about him around my friends because of their intense loyalty to me and Katrina. Needless to say, they dont trust him anymore. And sure I understand why, I have even struggled over the though of would I be able to ride in a car that he was driving anytime soon? (I still havent come up with a good answer, although I lean towards NO) Regardless, we usually have a fun banter about things going on in our lives and it hit me today, thanks to realizing that his girlfriend was at his apartment, that hes moving on, forward, and though it doesnt really feel like it, I think I might be stuck, in some quicksand.
I guess that before tonight the girlfriend always seemed like a phase of his, something that he would get over because I mean after all we had such a good thing going, when it was going, that is. And we said that we didnt think that it was the last time we would talk, hang out, whatever. But maybe this girlfriend is you know, REAL. Maybe there's something really there. And sure I know that I deserve better, but things felt so real with him, like they werent quite finished just yet. He was the first guy to really I dont know, make me feel special? Make me feel like the world wasnt really passing me by?
And if I am being brutally honest with myself- which tonight I am, it hurts. Its not really a full out break my heart hurt. But theres definitely a little ache there. Its time that I hang up my hat and really admit to myself that we are just friends. But the sad but true thing is, I dont know that I really know how to be friends with him (or any guy for that matter).
So heres to feeling an ache, realizing that life isnt perfect, but it definitely is wonderful IF you can take a step back and look at it, and realizing that there will be something out there for you, you just have to be patient. I am trying my patience once again! :)

Oh, and by the way, I am the new President for the Student Alumni Association here at school, I was voted in today. This is thrilling yet daunting.

When you got a good thing

Lady Antebellum

Yesterday was Senior day for the basketball team. The last home game that Tim, Matthew and Blake will ever play for Transy. It was also senior day for the 2 student coaches: Matthew and Aaron. And we lost :(. By one point. It was truly bittersweet, and for me it didnt sink in UNTIL after everything was done and over. I should have stayed for the boys to come out to give them hugs, these guys were the reason I was drawn to Transy basketball, and I will truly miss them. Not only them though, but their families too. The people that made up my "Basketball family"- the Tierney's and the Parton's.

Regardless, its been a very fun season for me. Full of learning experiences, and maybe just maybe if I'm lucky Matthew will come back to coach again next year! ;)

Goodbye for now, world.

Winter Wonderland

This snow is beautiful.
I love it, mostly, but I am starting to worry about my drive back to Lexington Sunday. But, like most of the things that I worry SO much about, there is nothing that I can do about it.
Thus, I turn my attention to other things.
It seems that my life lately is full of baby steps, whether its outside so that I dont fall down or emotionally so I dont build things up- knowing that I will ALWAYS overthink whatever happens, but I can acknowledge it and hopefully use it to my advantage.

My quote of the day is "You gotta take baby steps, otherwise you might slip and fall" And yes it pertains to this weather that we are experiencing but more than that its life, sometimes going through things full speed ahead is not the best idea, sometimes we need to take those baby steps so that we dont get too eager... I know I especially have to keep myself from getting too eager.
I sometimes feel like a middle schooler in the body of an adult, and I dont know how to get around that other than to recognize it, and step back, take a deep breath and start again- hopefully with a little bit less excitement.

Pocketful of Sunshine

Natasha Bedingfield

I've been watching a lot of chick flicks lately and the bottom line is that one has to be really comfortable with themself before someone else can appreciate them.
And that isnt something that I learned from the chick flicks. It comes from other things like books and life and just observing things.

Though I feel fairly comfortable with myself, I need to learn to not care SO much what others think, because deep-down I am a people pleaser.

And though its not necessarily needed, I dont think a list of random facts about me can hurt anything.

Here goes nothing.

1. I love basketball... seriously, and I think that sometimes it throws guys off, because girls arent supposed to like basketball as much as I do, but I do, and I will not apoligize for it!

2. I love animals. Dogs belong inside, on beds and with their people. Sorry- its one of those things I refuse to budge on.

3. I have a somewhat obsessive personality, but generally I am not too creepy about it. I just yearn for random facts about people or random things and so I ask, I google, things like that.

4. I have many personality traits that only show themselves around the type of people they compliment. For example, I can be very much of a country girl- but people at Transy dont necessarily know that.

5. I have a passion for pajama pants... when in doubt I buy some pajama pants!

More to come, but I am currently being thoroughly distracted by P.S. I Love You

Grab Life by the Horns

I have recently read several things, and heard things, and its time that I grab life by the horns- to steal Dodge's saying!

Sure life has been great lately, I have no complaints, but I am ready to take it to the next level, I need to be more in control of the little things.

So here goes, operation "live big". I gotta start thinking more about summer and the future and just loving myself, and being healthy...

Where are you Christmas?

This year I am really laid back about Christmas. I find that I am enjoying it more than I have the past couple of years, maybe I am finally growing up. haha.

The other day, when I was driving home from Lexington, I saw a funeral procession and as I watched the police escort them down the road, and I saw 20 or so cars in line, I lost it.
This was the hardest holiday that I have gone through. And its not that anything was different than it has been the past 2 Christmas' but rather I think I finally really grieved. I miss my grandma so much. It occured to me the other day that yes, she got to see all of her grandchildren turn 18, but she didnt get to see us all married. It hit me hard when I realized that when I get married- if that ever comes around, she wont be there. On my big special day, I wont get to share it with her, petty as it may be, this saddens me greatly.
I guess the long and the short of it, is that this holiday season I really miss my grandma. And theres nothing I can really do about that, other than recognize the sadness, let it happen, and then move on.
So here's to living every day, something I plan to work on more. I dont want to waste another day!

Let it be

This is just one of those things where I just have to let it be. What happens, happens, for good or for bad, and in the end, the very end, I will die. So between now and death I gotta love the life I live and live the life I love. And I am learning that sometimes to do that I have to let go of the little details, which is hard. But I am seeing the big picture, the big picture is that I am only 20, I'm 20-25% done with my life, I mean hopefully only 20-25%. And when it comes down to it I AM an optimist, but at the same time I worry about what will happen, you know I am not oblivious to the culture around me where people get married at 20, and sometimes 25, but I mean SERIOUSLY, just about everyone I know has had a relationship by the time they are 20, and I mean a deep meaningful relationship.
Maybe I am different, maybe, like UK's freshman John Wall, I'll be a one and done person. Maybe just maybe the first person I REALLY fall for and really have a relationship with will be the only one worth it.

Oops...

I think I got a little too excited.
Maybe I tried to talk too much?
Bottom line, I dont know what I did, but I havent talked to him in almost a week, havent even SEEN him in almost a week.

Back to square one, or maybe square negative 1. haha.

That sport that I love

Basketball.
One word.
3 syllables.
My passion.
No I dont play, but who said you had to play a sport to be passionate about it.
My friends laugh at me because I pick basketball games over parties with them, I picked a basketball game over waiting in a hospital to be told if my dad was ok. This is just what basketball is to me, its that one thing that I can always turn to that will always put a smile on my face. And no, not every team is perfect, but pretty much every team is working hard.
For me, the best basketball experience has been Transy basketball. When given the choice of watching a UK game or a Transy game, I will pick the Transy game 9 times out of 10. You might stare at me in disbelief of this but its true. Know why? Because Transy plays like a team, there is no superstar, and there is no press. We barely make it on the 11 o'clock news when we win. And sure there are the leaders on the court, but there isn't one player that is all the difference, and somehow I think that is better.
No, Transy doesn't have a 10-0 record, in fact we have a 5-4 record, but we are young, and we are still finding our way. Our first game was 8 hours away, and we fell on our face, I think that gave us a bad taste for away games. And yes, we have won 2 away games since then, but there is still some disconnect. As for home games... this season we have been perfect, and last season we lost only 1 time at home! I'm not buddy-buddy with the players, but I have been to every game except that first one, and I can tell that the guys are working hard. In fact, this last game one of our freshmen who usually gets in foul trouble really early, only had 1 foul at the end of the first half. And didn't get his second foul until halfway through the second half. Unfortunately as a team, we foul a lot! But I think we will get better at it.
Throughout this I have said "we" when referring to the Transy basketball team, and I realize that I am not an athlete, I do not play on the team, but I do keep the scorebooks and have been traveling with the team, and so yes, I feel that maybe just maybe I can include myself when talking about Transy basketball. I mean I'm not gonna go out and scream at the top of my lungs that I am part of the team, because I am not, and I do realize this!
I guess what I am saying, is that I love basketball, but if you know me, you already know this! And Transy basketball is the best that I have seen, at least when it comes to teamwork! Sure I love the Cats, but they almost have a superstar status, and I kinda like being around the "lesser knowns."
And we have just as much potential as the Cats, we are just division III instead of division I- did you know that we have 6 McDonald's All-American nominees playing at Transy? And 3 Kentucky Regional players of the year? I mean sure they are freshman, but they are already contributing a great deal and it will be fun to see what they will be able to do as seniors!
I suppose this is where I stop talking about Transy basketball, you get the point! :)
Here's to Transy basketball, building on the successes and learning from the losses!

Blah

Stupid stomach that hates any and all food that I put in it.
Stupid head that is pounding
Stupid boys that dont respond the way one wants.

Blah on this day.

Bus Ride

I sit here, and I can't take my eyes off him. He is making sure everything is in order, he is counting people, planning for tomorrow and I just want to be his partner. It sounds silly but it is what it is. Somehow I feel that when he is around I will be taken care of, and let me tell you, that's a good feeling!
So here's to riding the bus and falling for him! (LOL)

No longer invisible?

How to put this? I want to know more, I yearn for details, but I dont want to seek them out, I want him to tell me, about his life, his family. And I know you cant build something out of nothing, but there is something there,and he sees me when I feel otherwise invisible. He asks about my dad even though that was several weeks ago, he talks to me in the most public places of campus. What more could a girl want?!
Ok ok, I know, but still, I mean he tells me that my crappy made on the spot score book is perfect. Really, PERFECT? I dont think so! But thanks anyway. And I mean I feel pesky, because I am almost constantly asking questions, but he tells me "dont worry about bothering me" so I mean thats good right? Now, if we can bridge the gap and talk about something other than basketball, dont get me wrong I LOVE talking about basketball, but even I will admit that basketball isnt the ONLY thing in life- no matter how much I convince my Transy family that it is. And yes there are times when I will pick basketball over something else. Like when my dad was in the hospital and I picked basketball, or like tonight, we are going on an overnight for the game tomorrow, and my Transy family is having their Christmas gathering, so I am picking basketball over that. I feel slightly bad but at the same time, this is my passion, I wish people would understand that more than they do.
I may not know where this is leading, but you can bet I am along for the ride, and I think that even if it doesnt turn into anything more than just a friendship- friendship is good... usually! :)

Sigh

This morning the house that my friends and I have nicknamed "the basketball house" had an electrical fire. They are all fine- or so I've heard. And the house had fairly minimal damage, but the reaction that I had when I heard the news?
It was an involuntary reaction that just shook my whole world. Its like the past few weeks "god" is telling me, yes you are having a good life, but just remember bad things can happen- see see? First dad then the basketball house. I mean I know that I am just a fan, and I know that these boys dont REALLY care all that much- or if they do they care only on the inside. But I seriously would have some issues to work out if they were gone. Next year is gonna be tough. And I dont want to get in their way, so I will just sit here, touch base, see them at games, but I dont think these boys- men- really know just how much they mean to me. And not in a creepy way, seriously. These people- though not always as talkative and friendly as I would like are a family to me. This is my basketball family, and I love it- its like living with a really dysfunctional family!

So, heres to them being ok, heres to saving the Christmas Tree, and heres to my basketball family!