So today, for the first time in a long time, I went back and I read everything that I have written on this blog this year. Wow, I kind of have a one track mind, dont I?
The boy.
And everything is based around him.
Wow
I mean I knew that I was bad, just didnt quite realize I was this bad.
And while I cannot control what my heart feels, I can totally wrestle it with how my mind knows.
And yes, I will struggle, and question EVERYTHING, but by now, surely if you read this blog, you know this about me.
But this is what I know:
He tells me that I have to do what I want for me, but whats missing is him saying that he wants the same thing. And this cannot work unless its a mutual effort.
Whether we have the wrong timing, or just totally different outlooks on things.
Yes, I can do the things that I want for me, but it wont matter unless the other person is headed in the same direction.
I dont know how to get the point across, or maybe I cant, but I think face to face would be a good idea... IF HE EVER FREAKING sets a time.
Anyway, this rant is over.
I know that I have a blessed life, and theses challenges with the boy could be construed as trivial... but they are what they are, and I am what I am, and we just have to go from there!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A dreaming fool
I had a dream last night, you know, one of those that you dont want to wake up from?
And its not that it was fantastically good, but rather it seemed like it could be real- ok so maybe not all of the circumstances, but the feelings and the hurt, and the happy.
So let me see if I can recount it.
Part 1.
We were at school. I had visitors, who were going to stay the night- my mom and J. And there was some issue as to who was going to stay where, and my friends werent that happy (story of my life) anyway. And we (I dont know who all was included in the we) were going to the opera house for some sort of performance. J was supposed to come, but decided not to or something.
Part 2. We had a party at home. J came to visit but he couldnt stay long, and so I drove over to the neighbors house (where he had parked?) and was talking to them as he was getting ready to leave. But then I asked him to stay. He said he couldnt and looked really upset by something. So I went up to his car and I had him roll down the window so that I could ask him why he wouldnt stay. And when the window rolled down there were 2 girls in his car. He looked seriously pained (remorse maybe?), and I of course was hurt, upset. So I just said "I see, well then I guess this is Goodbye"
Part 3.
Was really a continuation of part 1.
It starts off with us leaving the play. We walked out the doors, and J was there. Everyone else sighed and just went back to campus, which in this reality was up a huge hill, and was a castle (which kind of reminds me of Hogwarts) and it wasnt Lexington, but rather a quaint smaller town. J looked at me and said "I am sorry, forgive me?" and I flashed back to part 2 of the dream, and part 1 when he decided not to go with me. But, I smiled, said "Just this once" and grabbed his hand. We walked up to where the rest of the group was, and they werent particularly happy but they didnt disown me, which was nice. And Badger, who had opted not to go to the play came down because she wanted food, but not school food, so she was trying to get people to go downtown with her to get food, no one was really wanting to go. I sat down on a window bench type thing, and pulled J down with me, where we sat for a few minutes just watching everyone else.
If only it could come true... I know though, that is impossible.
And its not that it was fantastically good, but rather it seemed like it could be real- ok so maybe not all of the circumstances, but the feelings and the hurt, and the happy.
So let me see if I can recount it.
Part 1.
We were at school. I had visitors, who were going to stay the night- my mom and J. And there was some issue as to who was going to stay where, and my friends werent that happy (story of my life) anyway. And we (I dont know who all was included in the we) were going to the opera house for some sort of performance. J was supposed to come, but decided not to or something.
Part 2. We had a party at home. J came to visit but he couldnt stay long, and so I drove over to the neighbors house (where he had parked?) and was talking to them as he was getting ready to leave. But then I asked him to stay. He said he couldnt and looked really upset by something. So I went up to his car and I had him roll down the window so that I could ask him why he wouldnt stay. And when the window rolled down there were 2 girls in his car. He looked seriously pained (remorse maybe?), and I of course was hurt, upset. So I just said "I see, well then I guess this is Goodbye"
Part 3.
Was really a continuation of part 1.
It starts off with us leaving the play. We walked out the doors, and J was there. Everyone else sighed and just went back to campus, which in this reality was up a huge hill, and was a castle (which kind of reminds me of Hogwarts) and it wasnt Lexington, but rather a quaint smaller town. J looked at me and said "I am sorry, forgive me?" and I flashed back to part 2 of the dream, and part 1 when he decided not to go with me. But, I smiled, said "Just this once" and grabbed his hand. We walked up to where the rest of the group was, and they werent particularly happy but they didnt disown me, which was nice. And Badger, who had opted not to go to the play came down because she wanted food, but not school food, so she was trying to get people to go downtown with her to get food, no one was really wanting to go. I sat down on a window bench type thing, and pulled J down with me, where we sat for a few minutes just watching everyone else.
If only it could come true... I know though, that is impossible.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Little Miss
A song by Sugarland, and my current obsession.
Its all about being down on luck, love, life and then pulling yourself together and knowing that it will be alright again and knowing that you are loved. (Or at least, that is what I get out of it).
Little miss heart beats wide open now, shes ready for love.
Thats me...
Or really, this whole song is me, currently.
I was in a funk about *that guy*, you know, the one that the past two poems are about.
Yes, something happened, I think I even wrote about it, and unsurprisingly I blew things out of proportion, but thats just me. One day there will be that person in my life that sees the way I blow things up, laugh at me, and then deflate my balloon, carefully so as to not depress me or hurt me unintentionally.
*That guy* is not the person to do this. Sure hes careful about what he says but thats just because (no surprise) I am too important in his life for him to let something like (god forbid) a relationship come between us. (Here's where I debunk the theory that a real relationship would come between us. I mean sure it could, but sometimes you gotta take a leap of faith and hope that things work out. We have been friends, we have even gone to the point where we dont talk. But you see we always seem to be thrown together. So man up dude, so what that we both have lives, no one said this was going to be easy. But I am telling you it could be worth it, you just gotta put yourself on the line. He says he doesnt want to take the chance of hurting me, or pushing me too far, but I think really its that he doesnt want to get hurt. But you know what I GET THAT!!! And I have never burned a bridge- I dont leave people out in the cold, even people I dont like. Everyone can get warmth from me- I am just not the type of person to stop talking/caring/loving. IT doesnt happen. Even the people who break my heart, I still talk to them.) Ok, so now THAT rant is over.
Next.
I have been on a kick of empowerment. *He* told me that I am one of the most important, dependable people in his life, and then he doesnt talk to me for days on end. Hello? Yea, sorry pal, but that doesnt work. I talk to the people who are important in my life at least once a day. Even if its just to say hey. So dont give me the bullshit about being super important. I get that you are working every day for the next 2 weeks, but you arent working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are working maybe 12 hours a day. And its not like texting is hard.
Moral of my story here,
Its time for me to find a new obsession, because this one just isnt working for me anymore. I deserve more, someone who will love me and treat me wonderfully. (Yes, I will hold out for that- hopefully!) So, good thing that basketball season is starting- its the perfect thing to take my mind of that obsession. Traveling twice a week on a bus full of boys, how can a girl complain?!
And this song, Little Miss, its perfect. I feel like I am that person that will do anything for the people in her life, and help anyone and everyone who asks for it, but sometimes I feel like I dont take enough time for me.
I have 4 classes, 2 committees, 2 organizations that I have a leadership role in, I work for the athletic department, Traveling with the basketball team, not to mention social activities, and family activities. I dont have TIME for a boy- yet I still fantasize about having a boy.
I feel like I am the epitome of the girl that has everything yet still feels lost and lonely. I have good friends, I have an awesome family, I love myself (most days) but the thing that I want most, is the thing that still eludes me- a boyfriend. I know, I know, they arent all that wonderful, they arent worth the trouble, I dont need a boyfriend to be wonderful, having a boyfriend wont fill my void- I hear all the arguments. But needing and wanting are TOTALLY different- I dont NEED clothes, but I am a very modest person and desperately WANT them. I NEED glasses but I desperately dont WANT them. I get it, really I do...
But still, like all Americans, or humans for that matter, I want what isnt mine.
Sure I suppose it will happen some day.
New subject.
Honesty.
I am honest, its not something that I will apologize for.
I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but really, would you rather me lie to you?!
I only want one thing in return, honesty.
Seriously, if I say something that upsets you TELL ME, and dont be subtle about it. Say, "hey asshole, please stop talking about that subject, I dont like it it hurts me, it upsets me, etc". Look me in the eyes and tell me seriously. Because I hate hurting people, especially my friends. But the absolute worst thing you can do is tell other mutual friends that you are upset- because usually it gets back to me. Id like to think that I am a gentle soul, but then thinks like this get back to me.
I am sorry. I am not perfect, I cannot change everything but I dont like being a hideous person who hurts her friends.
I think I will stop there, for now. Seems, this post is longer than my usual.
Go listen to Little Miss! :)
Its all about being down on luck, love, life and then pulling yourself together and knowing that it will be alright again and knowing that you are loved. (Or at least, that is what I get out of it).
Little miss heart beats wide open now, shes ready for love.
Thats me...
Or really, this whole song is me, currently.
I was in a funk about *that guy*, you know, the one that the past two poems are about.
Yes, something happened, I think I even wrote about it, and unsurprisingly I blew things out of proportion, but thats just me. One day there will be that person in my life that sees the way I blow things up, laugh at me, and then deflate my balloon, carefully so as to not depress me or hurt me unintentionally.
*That guy* is not the person to do this. Sure hes careful about what he says but thats just because (no surprise) I am too important in his life for him to let something like (god forbid) a relationship come between us. (Here's where I debunk the theory that a real relationship would come between us. I mean sure it could, but sometimes you gotta take a leap of faith and hope that things work out. We have been friends, we have even gone to the point where we dont talk. But you see we always seem to be thrown together. So man up dude, so what that we both have lives, no one said this was going to be easy. But I am telling you it could be worth it, you just gotta put yourself on the line. He says he doesnt want to take the chance of hurting me, or pushing me too far, but I think really its that he doesnt want to get hurt. But you know what I GET THAT!!! And I have never burned a bridge- I dont leave people out in the cold, even people I dont like. Everyone can get warmth from me- I am just not the type of person to stop talking/caring/loving. IT doesnt happen. Even the people who break my heart, I still talk to them.) Ok, so now THAT rant is over.
Next.
I have been on a kick of empowerment. *He* told me that I am one of the most important, dependable people in his life, and then he doesnt talk to me for days on end. Hello? Yea, sorry pal, but that doesnt work. I talk to the people who are important in my life at least once a day. Even if its just to say hey. So dont give me the bullshit about being super important. I get that you are working every day for the next 2 weeks, but you arent working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are working maybe 12 hours a day. And its not like texting is hard.
Moral of my story here,
Its time for me to find a new obsession, because this one just isnt working for me anymore. I deserve more, someone who will love me and treat me wonderfully. (Yes, I will hold out for that- hopefully!) So, good thing that basketball season is starting- its the perfect thing to take my mind of that obsession. Traveling twice a week on a bus full of boys, how can a girl complain?!
And this song, Little Miss, its perfect. I feel like I am that person that will do anything for the people in her life, and help anyone and everyone who asks for it, but sometimes I feel like I dont take enough time for me.
I have 4 classes, 2 committees, 2 organizations that I have a leadership role in, I work for the athletic department, Traveling with the basketball team, not to mention social activities, and family activities. I dont have TIME for a boy- yet I still fantasize about having a boy.
I feel like I am the epitome of the girl that has everything yet still feels lost and lonely. I have good friends, I have an awesome family, I love myself (most days) but the thing that I want most, is the thing that still eludes me- a boyfriend. I know, I know, they arent all that wonderful, they arent worth the trouble, I dont need a boyfriend to be wonderful, having a boyfriend wont fill my void- I hear all the arguments. But needing and wanting are TOTALLY different- I dont NEED clothes, but I am a very modest person and desperately WANT them. I NEED glasses but I desperately dont WANT them. I get it, really I do...
But still, like all Americans, or humans for that matter, I want what isnt mine.
Sure I suppose it will happen some day.
New subject.
Honesty.
I am honest, its not something that I will apologize for.
I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but really, would you rather me lie to you?!
I only want one thing in return, honesty.
Seriously, if I say something that upsets you TELL ME, and dont be subtle about it. Say, "hey asshole, please stop talking about that subject, I dont like it it hurts me, it upsets me, etc". Look me in the eyes and tell me seriously. Because I hate hurting people, especially my friends. But the absolute worst thing you can do is tell other mutual friends that you are upset- because usually it gets back to me. Id like to think that I am a gentle soul, but then thinks like this get back to me.
I am sorry. I am not perfect, I cannot change everything but I dont like being a hideous person who hurts her friends.
I think I will stop there, for now. Seems, this post is longer than my usual.
Go listen to Little Miss! :)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Why wont you just give us a try?
I wish I could tell him
Its like a bad film
that doing nothing will push me away
I am not just some mold-able clay
sure I've always stuck around before
but what happens when I decide I want more?
What happens when I finally move on?
Does he not think that will break our bond?
No, I wont just leave him hanging
I dont like all or nothing
But that doesnt mean it will be good
Here, listen to this, bud.
Telling me you dont want to lose me
thats good, I wont flee
Telling me you dont know if its real or lust
well dear, thats just a bust.
I want to just shake you
Yep, til you turn blue
Why wont you just give us a try?
And if it ends, I promise I wont cry.
Poem number 2 in less than a week.... gotta love dealings of the heart!
Its like a bad film
that doing nothing will push me away
I am not just some mold-able clay
sure I've always stuck around before
but what happens when I decide I want more?
What happens when I finally move on?
Does he not think that will break our bond?
No, I wont just leave him hanging
I dont like all or nothing
But that doesnt mean it will be good
Here, listen to this, bud.
Telling me you dont want to lose me
thats good, I wont flee
Telling me you dont know if its real or lust
well dear, thats just a bust.
I want to just shake you
Yep, til you turn blue
Why wont you just give us a try?
And if it ends, I promise I wont cry.
Poem number 2 in less than a week.... gotta love dealings of the heart!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A month, day by day
I saw this on another blog, and thought that it would be an interesting experiment. So here goes:
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 1: I really hate my insecurities, I know ways in which I can open up to the ones around me but I am always scared. I always think through things too much.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 1: I really hate my insecurities, I know ways in which I can open up to the ones around me but I am always scared. I always think through things too much.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Miss you
You say we are best friends.
But when it comes to one of the biggest talks that we need to have and I say my peace you peace out and I dont hear from you in more than a day.
I miss you.
Please talk to me about this.
We can get through this.
No matter what, pushing me away, it doesnt work.
We know this, we've tried the not talking part.
Oh well, tonight I sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
But when it comes to one of the biggest talks that we need to have and I say my peace you peace out and I dont hear from you in more than a day.
I miss you.
Please talk to me about this.
We can get through this.
No matter what, pushing me away, it doesnt work.
We know this, we've tried the not talking part.
Oh well, tonight I sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Dizzy
Both literally and emotionally.
I dont do the whole waiting game well, unless I have a defined timeline.
So I got my answer tonight.
And then some silence.
We deserve this, if nothing else, to give it a try.
But its time for him to make up his mind.
And so I will give him a few days.
Dont keep me out friend,
I can take it, no matter what it is.
I am strong enough.
I promise.
I dont do the whole waiting game well, unless I have a defined timeline.
So I got my answer tonight.
And then some silence.
We deserve this, if nothing else, to give it a try.
But its time for him to make up his mind.
And so I will give him a few days.
Dont keep me out friend,
I can take it, no matter what it is.
I am strong enough.
I promise.
Could it be
I wanna talk to him, hes one of my best friends.
But I am giving him his space. I texted first yesterday to show that we could talk and be normal without having the dreaded conversation, but I dont want to be pushy, or needy.
So I wait.
And then the thought occurred to me, was he reaching out to my friends to make things easier for the two of us? Did he want to resolve things because new things were happening? Yesterday my main feelings were paranoia, today, it seems I'm optimistic.
Wouldnt it be great to just tuck this into a drawer in my head, and close it until its time for our talk? Yea, if only.
I want to be cute, playful, flirty and carefree, but its just not me. I think too much, obsess a little and freak out over the smallest things.
Funny story though, my horoscopes for the past couple of days have been right on the mark. And today's seems like its a good time for a talk, hopefully it will happen.
But I am giving him his space. I texted first yesterday to show that we could talk and be normal without having the dreaded conversation, but I dont want to be pushy, or needy.
So I wait.
And then the thought occurred to me, was he reaching out to my friends to make things easier for the two of us? Did he want to resolve things because new things were happening? Yesterday my main feelings were paranoia, today, it seems I'm optimistic.
Wouldnt it be great to just tuck this into a drawer in my head, and close it until its time for our talk? Yea, if only.
I want to be cute, playful, flirty and carefree, but its just not me. I think too much, obsess a little and freak out over the smallest things.
Funny story though, my horoscopes for the past couple of days have been right on the mark. And today's seems like its a good time for a talk, hopefully it will happen.
Monday, October 11, 2010
All caught up
Since Friday I've been all caught up on you
on us, on the things I didnt do
It reminded me of that night last June
But nothings changed
I dont think you really want me
You just want a fuck buddy
Thats not going to happen pal
so can we just have the conversation now?
The "im not good at making plans"
and "your one of my best friends"
followed by "i didnt really mean that,
but I just couldnt seem to hold back."
You see I may be shy, and quiet
But around you my heart takes flight
I know what I want, well mostly
You make me feel like im floating
And thats a feeling I dont want to lose
But its time to put back on the shoes
Its time to woman up and hold my chin high
Because really, your nothing more than just another guy
Show me that you care
show me that you can play fair
and maybe I'll let you in
but until then I cant give in
Not if I want to prevent a crack
and keep my heart largely intact.
wow, I dont think words have flown out of me that well or that fast in a long time. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak- here we go! Its gonna be a wild ride. :)
on us, on the things I didnt do
It reminded me of that night last June
But nothings changed
I dont think you really want me
You just want a fuck buddy
Thats not going to happen pal
so can we just have the conversation now?
The "im not good at making plans"
and "your one of my best friends"
followed by "i didnt really mean that,
but I just couldnt seem to hold back."
You see I may be shy, and quiet
But around you my heart takes flight
I know what I want, well mostly
You make me feel like im floating
And thats a feeling I dont want to lose
But its time to put back on the shoes
Its time to woman up and hold my chin high
Because really, your nothing more than just another guy
Show me that you care
show me that you can play fair
and maybe I'll let you in
but until then I cant give in
Not if I want to prevent a crack
and keep my heart largely intact.
wow, I dont think words have flown out of me that well or that fast in a long time. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak- here we go! Its gonna be a wild ride. :)
Waiting game
I am not good at the waiting game.
I want to know everything about everyone and anything.
I want to know why you had a good 7am wake up call, who called you?
I dont want to be the rebound- thats no good.
Maybe I should nip this in the bud, stop it before I go all crazy over it.
Too late
I want to know everything, tell me everything.
Friends, partners, lovers. Thats what I want.
What do you want?
I want to know everything about everyone and anything.
I want to know why you had a good 7am wake up call, who called you?
I dont want to be the rebound- thats no good.
Maybe I should nip this in the bud, stop it before I go all crazy over it.
Too late
I want to know everything, tell me everything.
Friends, partners, lovers. Thats what I want.
What do you want?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Blunt
Yep, all it took was one night and I am head over heels again.
But at the same time, I feel our dynamic has changed, who knows, maybe im just making it up because I want it to be true.
Time to step lightly, move slowly.
I can do this, I can get through this.
He doesnt get the power in all this
I do, its my life, its my choice
I dont care if he calls me a tease
or a jerk
If this is going somewhere
I get to make the important decisions
And if he doesnt like it,
well, it wont go anywhere now will it?
But at the same time, I feel our dynamic has changed, who knows, maybe im just making it up because I want it to be true.
Time to step lightly, move slowly.
I can do this, I can get through this.
He doesnt get the power in all this
I do, its my life, its my choice
I dont care if he calls me a tease
or a jerk
If this is going somewhere
I get to make the important decisions
And if he doesnt like it,
well, it wont go anywhere now will it?
Friday, October 08, 2010
Mixed Signals
I know he wasnt drunk. I know I wasnt drunk.
So why was he nuzzling me like we were dating?
Why?
I told him he wasnt playing fair, I told him it was a jerky move.
Because even though he was nuzzling on me, I am pretty sure we are still in the same place we have been for over a year- friends. Thats it. Thats all.
So why the hell is he nuzzling me?
Yes, I am over thinking this, but dang it, no boy nuzzles me, ever, so I have a right to think about it too much.
Nuzzling my neck, my ear, stroking my face, kissing my neck, my cheek. It was like we were living in a Christian Romance novel, and it was awesome, amazing. I felt like we were two puzzle pieces in that moment that fit together just right.
But at the end of the day, I know he doesnt feel the same way, hes barely talked to me all day. We should have talked about it before he left. We need to draw some lines.
Emotionally, I cant handle the teasing, the nuzzling and then nothing- its not fair to me.
Either you want me or you dont, you dont get to have things both ways. So pal, make up your mind!
So why was he nuzzling me like we were dating?
Why?
I told him he wasnt playing fair, I told him it was a jerky move.
Because even though he was nuzzling on me, I am pretty sure we are still in the same place we have been for over a year- friends. Thats it. Thats all.
So why the hell is he nuzzling me?
Yes, I am over thinking this, but dang it, no boy nuzzles me, ever, so I have a right to think about it too much.
Nuzzling my neck, my ear, stroking my face, kissing my neck, my cheek. It was like we were living in a Christian Romance novel, and it was awesome, amazing. I felt like we were two puzzle pieces in that moment that fit together just right.
But at the end of the day, I know he doesnt feel the same way, hes barely talked to me all day. We should have talked about it before he left. We need to draw some lines.
Emotionally, I cant handle the teasing, the nuzzling and then nothing- its not fair to me.
Either you want me or you dont, you dont get to have things both ways. So pal, make up your mind!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Theres so much more
Im not the girl you think I am. I want to shout that to everyone that I have ever known. No one knows me like I know me, or at least that should be the case right? At the moment I feel lost, pedaling quickly into an oblivion that I am not sure I want to be in, but my brakes wont work, so instead of turning around, instead of trying to brake with my feet, I am pedaling faster, I am so terrified of what is coming at me that I just cant slow down.
And at the same time, I feel that even I dont know who I am.
Maybe I am the girl you think I am, but honestly I dont WANT to be that girl.
I dont want to be the suck up, the always happy, always bouncy girl that some people think I am. I dont want to be a complete terror either though. I dont want the mood swings of PMS to be a part of my everyday life, its NO fun.
You know what I want?
I want to be a pleasant person to be around- someone who is not too cheery but who can talk to anyone. I want people to respect me because I respect them, I want people to think that I am approachable. I want my smile to be inviting, and to put people at ease.
But most of all, I want a person to stand by me, to compliment me with their personality, but someone who loves me with no holds barred.
And a house, a job, some pets. I want it all.
So maybe all this pedaling is just pushing me towards those goals. But I feel like I am in hyperdrive and that I might miss something- please bike, legs, god, whatever, let me slow down, I only have one chance, and I want to make the best of everything that I am given.
So, here's to finding my compliment, man, I sure hope he's out there somewhere.
And at the same time, I feel that even I dont know who I am.
Maybe I am the girl you think I am, but honestly I dont WANT to be that girl.
I dont want to be the suck up, the always happy, always bouncy girl that some people think I am. I dont want to be a complete terror either though. I dont want the mood swings of PMS to be a part of my everyday life, its NO fun.
You know what I want?
I want to be a pleasant person to be around- someone who is not too cheery but who can talk to anyone. I want people to respect me because I respect them, I want people to think that I am approachable. I want my smile to be inviting, and to put people at ease.
But most of all, I want a person to stand by me, to compliment me with their personality, but someone who loves me with no holds barred.
And a house, a job, some pets. I want it all.
So maybe all this pedaling is just pushing me towards those goals. But I feel like I am in hyperdrive and that I might miss something- please bike, legs, god, whatever, let me slow down, I only have one chance, and I want to make the best of everything that I am given.
So, here's to finding my compliment, man, I sure hope he's out there somewhere.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Another year has passed
Yet I think of you constantly still.
And miss you
I love you grandma.
You were wonderful
And will never be forgotten
I dedicate this day to you
I hope that you are proud of the woman that I am becoming
And that you know I celebrate you, everyday
And miss you
I love you grandma.
You were wonderful
And will never be forgotten
I dedicate this day to you
I hope that you are proud of the woman that I am becoming
And that you know I celebrate you, everyday
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Growing up.... Maybe?
Once upon a time I had a HUGE crush on a guy that I also considered to be my best friend. And when I say huge I mean that this crush, it took up like my ENTIRE life, my brothers knew about it, and anyone that I was introduced to who became my friend well they got the whole saga.
The whole saga which, summed up is:
I met this kid on the bus, I instantly thought he was cute- I was 7 years old?! Anyway, things happened quite quickly. I fell head over heels. And that crush ruled my life. All I thought about was Timmy. He was one of my best friends, but I got jealous of the attention that he gave other girls. And I am fairly certain that he knew, although I didnt tell him myself until August 2004. But we didnt stay close, I was consumed in my crush on him, and it crushed me- emotionally. I was miserable. But I tried so hard to not let it affect things in my life- I was fairly good at compartmentalizing and so life went on. He and his family moved away December 2002 and the last time that we hung out was April 23, 2004- my 15th birthday party, and he made it special for me. But yet I was still consumed by this crush. And I think that mostly I couldnt understand why nothing happened- I sent him all the right "I like you" signals, or so I thought. I didnt understand that maybe he just didnt like me. That I really was just a good friend and like a sister, and no one really wants to date their brother/sister.
And then I went to college, and no one from there knows about Timmy. (Granted there was a second Tim that I full on crushed on, but thats a different story) I was handed a clean plate. That was a time to let go, it made perfect sense, right?
Yea, well apparently I was not ready to let go. I still defined myself by that crush, and it was kind of debilitating- emotionally anyway. I was shocked to learn that these people didnt know about Timmy, and I am pretty sure I told them all, multiple times maybe.
But the bottom line was, I wasnt really conveying how much I liked the kid. I felt as if people didnt understand that I loved that kid. Now, some would say that it happened in the past, and the past is the past so let it go. But I dont let go of things easily- I am getting better, but I still obsess mercilessly over things that are 70% NOT under my control!
So what has happened? Why am I writing this post, and where am I going with this?
Well yesterday my head collided with information. Timmy didnt like me, ever. Sure, I was a good friend and even at one point I was like a sister. But I was pushy, and lovesick and eventually I was NOT fun to be around. (lol).
THATS IT
The thought.
The thought, that for me is
L I F E C H A N G I N G ! !
Really?!
Yes, really.
I was SOO focused on my crush, so lovesick, so infatuated, so annoyingly pushy. That I lost a friend- someone, that I, between the ages of 7 and 15 was convinced that if I didnt end up with him than life was not complete. We were so PERFECT for each other. (haha, yea right).
Anyway...
I was so focused on that, that I was no longer a friend, and I bet I was not a fun person to be around.
My crush, crushed ME!
WOW, man.
So, whats next?
Well, I have to admit, I did friend request him on facebook. But I dont know that I expect anything to come out of that.
Regardless, MY take home lesson from this:
I, me, Jessica Carnes, cannot, CANNOT let herself get so caught up in a crush.
What does that mean?
It means that sure, like someone, crush on them, have dreams about them. But for goodness sake, dont be super obsessive. BE MYSELF. Do not try to change everything about me to like all the things that he likes.
Bottom line
I (me, you, we) must ALWAYS be my (your, our) own individual.
This is me, I am Jessica Carnes, and I am no longer defined by Timmy. I am defined by myself, my own experiences, and yes Timmy is ONE of those, but he is JUST ONE of those! :)
Good Luck to the rest of you individuals out there! :)
The whole saga which, summed up is:
I met this kid on the bus, I instantly thought he was cute- I was 7 years old?! Anyway, things happened quite quickly. I fell head over heels. And that crush ruled my life. All I thought about was Timmy. He was one of my best friends, but I got jealous of the attention that he gave other girls. And I am fairly certain that he knew, although I didnt tell him myself until August 2004. But we didnt stay close, I was consumed in my crush on him, and it crushed me- emotionally. I was miserable. But I tried so hard to not let it affect things in my life- I was fairly good at compartmentalizing and so life went on. He and his family moved away December 2002 and the last time that we hung out was April 23, 2004- my 15th birthday party, and he made it special for me. But yet I was still consumed by this crush. And I think that mostly I couldnt understand why nothing happened- I sent him all the right "I like you" signals, or so I thought. I didnt understand that maybe he just didnt like me. That I really was just a good friend and like a sister, and no one really wants to date their brother/sister.
And then I went to college, and no one from there knows about Timmy. (Granted there was a second Tim that I full on crushed on, but thats a different story) I was handed a clean plate. That was a time to let go, it made perfect sense, right?
Yea, well apparently I was not ready to let go. I still defined myself by that crush, and it was kind of debilitating- emotionally anyway. I was shocked to learn that these people didnt know about Timmy, and I am pretty sure I told them all, multiple times maybe.
But the bottom line was, I wasnt really conveying how much I liked the kid. I felt as if people didnt understand that I loved that kid. Now, some would say that it happened in the past, and the past is the past so let it go. But I dont let go of things easily- I am getting better, but I still obsess mercilessly over things that are 70% NOT under my control!
So what has happened? Why am I writing this post, and where am I going with this?
Well yesterday my head collided with information. Timmy didnt like me, ever. Sure, I was a good friend and even at one point I was like a sister. But I was pushy, and lovesick and eventually I was NOT fun to be around. (lol).
THATS IT
The thought.
The thought, that for me is
L I F E C H A N G I N G ! !
Really?!
Yes, really.
I was SOO focused on my crush, so lovesick, so infatuated, so annoyingly pushy. That I lost a friend- someone, that I, between the ages of 7 and 15 was convinced that if I didnt end up with him than life was not complete. We were so PERFECT for each other. (haha, yea right).
Anyway...
I was so focused on that, that I was no longer a friend, and I bet I was not a fun person to be around.
My crush, crushed ME!
WOW, man.
So, whats next?
Well, I have to admit, I did friend request him on facebook. But I dont know that I expect anything to come out of that.
Regardless, MY take home lesson from this:
I, me, Jessica Carnes, cannot, CANNOT let herself get so caught up in a crush.
What does that mean?
It means that sure, like someone, crush on them, have dreams about them. But for goodness sake, dont be super obsessive. BE MYSELF. Do not try to change everything about me to like all the things that he likes.
Bottom line
I (me, you, we) must ALWAYS be my (your, our) own individual.
This is me, I am Jessica Carnes, and I am no longer defined by Timmy. I am defined by myself, my own experiences, and yes Timmy is ONE of those, but he is JUST ONE of those! :)
Good Luck to the rest of you individuals out there! :)
Sunday, August 08, 2010
You Already Know
By Train.
That person, you know, the one who always came running to me when he had a problem? The one who told me he didnt want to lose me because I was more than just a friend, I was more like a best friend? Yea, he hasnt contacted me in roughly 3 weeks. And honestly, though it feels a little weird, I am kinda loving the fact that he is no longer in my life. Its like a deep sigh, of relief. He pulled away so I dont have to worry about not being there for him, he brought this on himself. Will I completely delete him from my life? No, I dont think so, I dont like burning bridges, but I might, just might delete him from my phone!
There are so many people in my life that love me, and who I love. Now, I can spend more time with those who bother for some back and forth conversation, rather than just contacting me when its most convenient.
Besides, though I dont know that I would ever tell it to his face, I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who wants to show me the world, someone who really honestly cares for me. And I am not sure that he cared for anything more than himself and not being lonely.
But the world is a lonely place, and if you dont learn how to be lonely, you arent gonna learn how to really appreciate company, and love them for how they help you in life. Yes, that sounds selfish, but if you cannot appreciate how others help your life then theres no way in hell that you will be able to see how you help others in their lifes.
Regardless of all that, and feeling selfish once again, but I feel as if this is my time, my year. And I am so excited for it, seriously, its gonna be awesome. And well, if I am wrong, thats ok too... I am just ready for this chapter!
That person, you know, the one who always came running to me when he had a problem? The one who told me he didnt want to lose me because I was more than just a friend, I was more like a best friend? Yea, he hasnt contacted me in roughly 3 weeks. And honestly, though it feels a little weird, I am kinda loving the fact that he is no longer in my life. Its like a deep sigh, of relief. He pulled away so I dont have to worry about not being there for him, he brought this on himself. Will I completely delete him from my life? No, I dont think so, I dont like burning bridges, but I might, just might delete him from my phone!
There are so many people in my life that love me, and who I love. Now, I can spend more time with those who bother for some back and forth conversation, rather than just contacting me when its most convenient.
Besides, though I dont know that I would ever tell it to his face, I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who wants to show me the world, someone who really honestly cares for me. And I am not sure that he cared for anything more than himself and not being lonely.
But the world is a lonely place, and if you dont learn how to be lonely, you arent gonna learn how to really appreciate company, and love them for how they help you in life. Yes, that sounds selfish, but if you cannot appreciate how others help your life then theres no way in hell that you will be able to see how you help others in their lifes.
Regardless of all that, and feeling selfish once again, but I feel as if this is my time, my year. And I am so excited for it, seriously, its gonna be awesome. And well, if I am wrong, thats ok too... I am just ready for this chapter!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Cant Call Love
Sarah Darling
Had almost a mental breakdown today, tonight. I made a "suggestion" to hang out with him. We were just gonna watch a movie. But there were storms, and I am terrified of storms so I bagged out, and a couple of times he almost talked me into going anyway. But ultimately I stayed. And I think it wasnt that I was worried about the storms, I mean I definitely was, but it was more than that. I wasnt worried about spending time with him, or getting back late- I mean ALL these things contributed but there was something more. Why was I having such a hard time with this decision. It wasnt just these things, or the fact that I was backing out on something that I said I would do, nope there was even something more.
He mentioned something, twice... and I think that was the root of everything "You would be safe here"
Those 5 words, hit a chord in me.
I know I would be safe there. He would take care of me, I am sure. But you see, it would mean more to me than I think it would mean to him. He is going through a possible break up. But he was the closest I've ever really had to a good relationship. And though I think I might be getting better, I still care about him, a lot. And hes a smooth talker and I know hes not gonna do anything that I wouldnt want to do. But what I want, especially during a storm is someone to hold me in their arms and protect me, keep me safe. However, I cannot go running to James when I feel insecure. Sometimes I have to stand up and be tall and be brave for myself.
I want nothing more to be safe somewhere with him, but it is not the right time for that.
Ok well, here come those storms, Im gonna go hide somewhere. Goodnight world, may you be able to stand on your own two feet even when it hurts the most.
Had almost a mental breakdown today, tonight. I made a "suggestion" to hang out with him. We were just gonna watch a movie. But there were storms, and I am terrified of storms so I bagged out, and a couple of times he almost talked me into going anyway. But ultimately I stayed. And I think it wasnt that I was worried about the storms, I mean I definitely was, but it was more than that. I wasnt worried about spending time with him, or getting back late- I mean ALL these things contributed but there was something more. Why was I having such a hard time with this decision. It wasnt just these things, or the fact that I was backing out on something that I said I would do, nope there was even something more.
He mentioned something, twice... and I think that was the root of everything "You would be safe here"
Those 5 words, hit a chord in me.
I know I would be safe there. He would take care of me, I am sure. But you see, it would mean more to me than I think it would mean to him. He is going through a possible break up. But he was the closest I've ever really had to a good relationship. And though I think I might be getting better, I still care about him, a lot. And hes a smooth talker and I know hes not gonna do anything that I wouldnt want to do. But what I want, especially during a storm is someone to hold me in their arms and protect me, keep me safe. However, I cannot go running to James when I feel insecure. Sometimes I have to stand up and be tall and be brave for myself.
I want nothing more to be safe somewhere with him, but it is not the right time for that.
Ok well, here come those storms, Im gonna go hide somewhere. Goodnight world, may you be able to stand on your own two feet even when it hurts the most.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Ready to Love Again
Lady Antebellum.
So I gave him an ultimatum. And I dont know if he is playing me or not, but things have gotten better. We have a fun relationship, I laugh when I get a text from him because we end up teasing each other. We make light of the serious stuff, because sometimes thats the best you can do. But talking to him has been fun again, lately. No, I dont think I am quite over him yet, I am rational enough to know that takes some time, but I am climbing up the latter, out of the sewer. I dont plan on getting sucked back down again, however, if he decides to climb out with me, well I make no promises.
Regardless, some of the lyrics to the song above are:
Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, oh
Scared of love and scared of life alone
Seems I been playing on the safe side lately
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But its time for me to let it go
Chorus
Yeah, Im ready to feel now
No longer am I fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess Im ready to love again
And that kind of basically sums up how I am feeling. I dont know if I will get some love in return, but thats ok. Because regardless of everything else, one has to first love themself before one can truly love others. And as before I am really working on loving myself. I have difficult moments, but I am getting there, slowly but surely.
So to anyone who is reading this, find one trait in yourself that makes you happy.
It can be anything, I for instance love my legs- below my knees, my smile- because almost everyone compliments me on it, and the new thing: myself in business casual clothes. In fact, seeing myself in the business casual clothes has inspired me to work a little harder on losing some weight.
By golly, I sometimes think I might be growing up! Haha. I recently bought a planner, apples some yogurt and I am more conscious every day of the money that I am spending. Granted, I am not perfect yet, but hey, is anyone ever really perfect? Nah, so its all good. The bottom line is that we all work to make ourselves better.
Moral of todays rant: take it a day at a time, a step, a moment or even 30 seconds at a time, and eventually things will get better, I think! :) Good luck.
So I gave him an ultimatum. And I dont know if he is playing me or not, but things have gotten better. We have a fun relationship, I laugh when I get a text from him because we end up teasing each other. We make light of the serious stuff, because sometimes thats the best you can do. But talking to him has been fun again, lately. No, I dont think I am quite over him yet, I am rational enough to know that takes some time, but I am climbing up the latter, out of the sewer. I dont plan on getting sucked back down again, however, if he decides to climb out with me, well I make no promises.
Regardless, some of the lyrics to the song above are:
Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, oh
Scared of love and scared of life alone
Seems I been playing on the safe side lately
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But its time for me to let it go
Chorus
Yeah, Im ready to feel now
No longer am I fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess Im ready to love again
And that kind of basically sums up how I am feeling. I dont know if I will get some love in return, but thats ok. Because regardless of everything else, one has to first love themself before one can truly love others. And as before I am really working on loving myself. I have difficult moments, but I am getting there, slowly but surely.
So to anyone who is reading this, find one trait in yourself that makes you happy.
It can be anything, I for instance love my legs- below my knees, my smile- because almost everyone compliments me on it, and the new thing: myself in business casual clothes. In fact, seeing myself in the business casual clothes has inspired me to work a little harder on losing some weight.
By golly, I sometimes think I might be growing up! Haha. I recently bought a planner, apples some yogurt and I am more conscious every day of the money that I am spending. Granted, I am not perfect yet, but hey, is anyone ever really perfect? Nah, so its all good. The bottom line is that we all work to make ourselves better.
Moral of todays rant: take it a day at a time, a step, a moment or even 30 seconds at a time, and eventually things will get better, I think! :) Good luck.
Who am I kidding
I am still hung up on you. There I have admitted it. And when you told me that she had left you, it was all I could do not to celebrate. But apparently you are still hung up on her, and I guess you are entitled because you all dated for a solid 8 months, almost exactly, but I mean who's counting? Damn, kid. I want you to be mine. I mean sure you come running to me like a little hound dog with its tail tucked everytime something bad or sad happens, and then when the good things happen you come running to me like a beagle that has caught what he was hunting, but I want to be more than the person you tell about the good and bad things. I want to be there WITH you, experiencing those things WITH you, helping you through them by being by your side and not through a computer or phone.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Love who you love
By Rascal Flatts
One of the hardest, but best qualities to cultivate is the love for yourself. Or maybe its just me that finds it hard. But I truly believe that finding a love for myself will help me in all aspects of my life. And you know, for some reason, turning 21 mellowed me out. I feel happier now than I have been in a LONG time.
Keys to loving myself: knowing that I am not perfect all the time, being happy with the life I lead, contributing to society, running, telling those that I love that I love them.
Lately though, the hardest thing for me is giving up pieces of myself to others, so that they can be a bigger part of my life. Learning how to actually greet people is a struggle.
But my biggest struggle right now is with a specific someone. He said something about me not calling him today, and well my gut reaction was: you are right, I dont call you, but that is because any time that I think about calling you its when I am struggling with something, whether its an internal struggle or external. And I have decided that I have to learn how to rescue myself before I can let others rescue me. In the past I have put too much faith in finding the right person that will make everything better. But really, its me, I am the right person. And if I have a companion, fantastic, but I need to really honest to goodness love myself first.
So, heres to saving myself, I dont need no stinkin prince! :)
One of the hardest, but best qualities to cultivate is the love for yourself. Or maybe its just me that finds it hard. But I truly believe that finding a love for myself will help me in all aspects of my life. And you know, for some reason, turning 21 mellowed me out. I feel happier now than I have been in a LONG time.
Keys to loving myself: knowing that I am not perfect all the time, being happy with the life I lead, contributing to society, running, telling those that I love that I love them.
Lately though, the hardest thing for me is giving up pieces of myself to others, so that they can be a bigger part of my life. Learning how to actually greet people is a struggle.
But my biggest struggle right now is with a specific someone. He said something about me not calling him today, and well my gut reaction was: you are right, I dont call you, but that is because any time that I think about calling you its when I am struggling with something, whether its an internal struggle or external. And I have decided that I have to learn how to rescue myself before I can let others rescue me. In the past I have put too much faith in finding the right person that will make everything better. But really, its me, I am the right person. And if I have a companion, fantastic, but I need to really honest to goodness love myself first.
So, heres to saving myself, I dont need no stinkin prince! :)
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