Content, could it be real?

Never before, at least in my memory have I felt this way. School is good, not perfect but good, and its nice to be out for summer. I have friends both at school and home that will see me through some of my most interesting escapades, and I am grateful. I have a family, that though sometimes we have our disagreements we WILL come together when it matters most. And we are taking a family vacation- the first in 10 years, and in that 10 years there have been 2 marriages and 4 babies. And I have had some interesting experiences in the past 2 months that have been very eye opening. I'm not saying that I want to feel exactly this way for forever, but I am at least peaceful with how I feel right at this moment. Nothing lasts forever, and especially not emotions- I see them kind of like tides, coming and going several times a day, with a pull from somewhere else.

HELP! I turned 20 and now my car doesn't love me anymore.

So Ive been 20 for roughly 10 days. And I have had 2 car issues. First I had a flat tire- one of the most stressful things that I have dealt with in recent history, and then a week later I stop at a stop light and when it turns green, instead of going, my car decides to screech, so what to do when stopped at a busy intersection and your car wont move? Call AAA or 911? I called 911, I figured if nothing else then they could at least send a cop to direct traffic. So a cop came and got me out of the busy road and I got to wait another 45 minutes for AAA to come pick me up. Turns out it was just a stripped tire rod, but not something that I want to experience again. It makes me think, are we really safe in cars?
When I got my license my parents thought that I would never actually drive, or that it would at least take me a long time to get used to driving, all because of some of my irrational fears, but I hit the ground running. And now- almost 4 years later is when I start having my doubts. I dont think I will stop driving, but I do worry about it a little too much sometimes I think. Oh well, I will just strive to be really careful- no matter what. And I cannot panic, because that wont help anything! :)
So safe driving to all those around.

Its my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

Ok, so no I havent actually cried today, but I did yesterday. I know I havent written in a while, but I turned 20 today. And I am thrilled to no longer be a teenager, not that I had a hard time being a teen, but I was just ready to not be anymore! haha. The only thing is that I feel SO lonely. I mean I have a family that loves me and I have some amazing friends, but sometimes I just want someone who will hold me at night- something that I know I've said over and over, but its just what I feel. SO, here's to an incredibly lonely birthday, may they not happen every year.

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.

Still confused. Good days come less often than the bad days with the boy and maybe its time to start to let go. Everyone tells me to let go, move on, hes not worth it, but at the same time I feel as if I am letting him down. Never before have I left someone when I have had so many questions that havent been answered. Is he really this moody, or is he just TRYING to push me away? What has him hurting so much that he is so miserable? And its not like I totally believe in astrology, that I live by it, and check my horoscope daily- because I dont. But a friend has a couple of books, and I was reading those yesterday and boy did the ways of a Cancer really fit this guy. One of the books said that the easiest way to piss off a cancer is by being happy- and you know what I can see that. I am almost always happy on the outside, or at least in public, and he has already commented on my being to hyper or happy.
That aside, we have our moments of being compatible, but I dont think its enough. I mean I know relationships are supposed to take time and effort, but at the same time I dont know that they are supposed to take this much time and effort, and definitely not if its only one sided.
So this is what I do know:
-none of my friends like him- and this is important to me
-he is very moody, and I dont know when he is gonna be in a good mood or a bad mood or when it will change- because that happens at the drop of a hat.
-we had a great first week of talking/spending time with each other- but it obviously didnt last
-he helped me to open up, come out of my shell, just a little bit, but baby steps work best for me
-he has some issues from his past that are still bothering him
-And last, I would like to be there for him, be a friend, but there is only so much moodiness that I can take. So for now I shall back off- let him do some of the work of keeping up with our friendship or whatever. Plus, I aint got time for this right now! haha. Ive got finals next week that I really gotta take seriously. and I do, so no distractions!

Breathe

So the past week, when I have been agonizing over the whole new boy thing, it was almost all for nothing. Im an idiot, a creepy one at that. And though he hasnt confirmed my being an idiot, he did accept my apology, I think. I shall try to write out what happened, if nothing else to prevent it from happening next time. And Andrew helped me figure these things out- from a guys (or mostly guys, lol) persepective. Last Sunday when my mom called when I was out with him and I told her what was going on, it may have freaked him out. I understand that and if thats what happened I am sorry. And then he was taking a step back- not necessarily trying to run away, just slowing down, and I felt that he was running, and so I tried to keep him. Not the best idea at this point. And I kept pushing and pushing and making an issue out of something that wasnt really there- or at least not as bad as I made it out to be. Doing that only made it worse. Basically he was trying to take a step back- I didnt recognize this and just thought he was going through a hard time, and needed a friend, so I went into friend mode. I care very much about my friends, especially when they are going through a hard time, so I went into overprotective, I am gonna stand by your side no matter what friend mode. And this probably scared him a little more. At this point Andrew comes into my room- the boy and I had just had another little spat, and Andrew looked at it, explained it and then got a phone call. So while he was talking to his sister, I looked back over some things that were said in the last week or so, and at the beginning the boy wasnt pulling away, just not talking so much as he had been- and I took that and ran with it, so to speak.
Yesterday morning I apoligized for overreacting, and he accepted it and we had a good day talking yesterday. Theres still some things that I am iffy about, things that I am not sure bringing up would be good, but ya know, I think eventually things will be ok. I just gotta remember to not be SOOOOO ready to jump on something that isnt necessarily happening. Ive got to keep my head on my shoulders, and take things slow. I get upset when I dont understand something- and thats what makes me react so strongly. Note to self- strive to understand, but dont overreact! :)

Past and Present

So I wrote the following paragraph back in December on my myspace blog, and it still stands true today, so I am trying to reiterate what I have said before, maybe it'll keep me going, and growing. This is what I said then:

So though its hard, and not necessarily fun, I am working on being me, finding myself (and I have come a long way, but circumstances are always changing so I may not know myself 100%, and thats ok.) and letting people see me. Not a shy person, but rather a talkative one, and not always a happy person, but a person that always wants to make others smile, and not always a nice person, but a person who tells others when she is mad at them, or hits them out of frustration, or maybe gives them the silent treatment. So this is me, being myself, and hoping that others will want to find a place in my life, whether its as friends, acquaintances, or other things. But no pressure, things will happen when they are meant to, and I may not be happy with the timing but I do believe that it will happen when I am truly ready, and
until then I'll be the best me that there is.

And I'll leave this post with just that.
Goodnight

Here comes goodbye

And death hits my family once again. My grandma's significant other passed away, I got the message at 11:26 this morning. It wasnt a surprise but it still has a blow. With every death now, I am reminded of my granmda- she was the first person that I was close to that passed away, and everytime that hole in my heart is rubbed raw again. I have a routine by now- I am really raw for a couple of days, and then it scabs over and then its like a new scar- that rough pink skin. But it will get better over time- even scars And though I know those who are close to me want to be there for me, but I dont think anyone really has the answers for when something like this happens.
So, the best answer about how to deal with these situations comes from within. I am a strong person, and I have gotten through this before, and I can do it again. And for those who dont know what to say to me, ignore the death part, talk to me like or ordinarily would, but at the same time hug me. Thats all I need, I just need hug after hug after hug. Someone to hold me tight- without saying anything- would be ideal, but I know that at this point that wont happen.
Its easy for me to let anyone in, but its harder to let them stay, people get to know me and they leave, whether its after a few weeks or after years, its what happens I am used to it. I am a country girl and when you lose something you dont cry. Its like falling down, you get up, wipe the dust off, laugh a little too loudly if you are slightly embarrassed and go on with life.
Its also kind of like getting in a fight- if you are pissed enough you arent gonna give up. You get punched you punch back, so I just gotta remember that life is gonna keep knocking me down, and the best thing that I can do is keep getting up.
I realized today that I have great friends here at Transy, and I think that they put up with tons of crap from me and I appreciate it, but at the same time I would do anything for these people. But there comes a point when talking about yourself is just too much. Everyone has problems and almost everyone can listen about others problems- to a certain extent, but theres gotta be some give and take.
I also realized that though I am an open book and I will share just about anything with the people that I know- I still internalize a fair amount too. There isnt a single person around that knows everything that goes on behind my hazel eyes, and honestly I wouldnt have it any other way. I am blessed to have the people in my life that are there for me, and in return- I am there for everyone, almost unconditionally.

And it all comes crashing down

I just received the lovely news that my grandma's boyfriend is dying- they dont expect him to live through the weekend. He had surgery for Kidney cancer just in January. Now, it might seem that I am fairly removed from him- hes not even necessarily a part of the family, but it will still be hard. Its mostly hard because my mom describes this as being similar to how her father died, and its taking a toll on her, as well as my grandma. Len is kind of an abrasive person but he has good intentions and he has always been helpful and he loved my grandma- which gets him the most points.
It all kind of brings me back to the death of my grandma- and those shortly after. Death isnt something one likes, or looks forward to (well at least not most people) but it is a part of live and you get used to it, or rather Ive gotten used to it. The hardest was 6 people in 6 months. And I dont know if this will be 9 or 10, but it doesnt matter- its still no fun.
I guess the moral of the story, for me anyway is sure its hard, and yea it hurts like hell, but I just gotta get up and keep going. I am allowed a breakdown, but my friends and my family count on me, and I can help others, as long as I am functional myself. If I dont stay on my feet, how am I supposed to be there to help others back up. There is more to this world than just me, and I feel that if I can help pick just one person up then its worth it. But at the same time, its times like these when I am most vulnerable, and I just want to be held- even though it seems pretty impossible. :) Give me a few days, maybe a week, and I will be fine.

An Analogy, and a continuation of the current saga.

So today, while trying NOT to fall asleep in my macroeconomics class I just started writing. And then I found an analogy of the whole boy thing that I am going through. It starts with meeting one another- and that is like catching the eye of someone on the sidewalk that you dont know but you smile and say hi and go on with your life, there are no expectations with that.
Then the week of intense conversation and couple of nights that he came up to Transy- that is like meeting someone on vacation, you want to know everything and anything, and you spend LOTS of time with that person. Or I also thought it would be like walking down a street with someone, holding their hand and then going to a coffee shop for conversation. Either way, its an intense period but at the same time the expecatations still arent totally clear and you are just enjoying spending time with a person.
Next you say something that the other person doesnt like, or something that worries them, and they run into a building and lock it up tight. They put up barriers, maybe unintentionally, but barriers just the same. And I have been standing on the porch of the house (what I imagine the building as), I get little muffled responses to my questions and I dont understand what has happened, and it might very well be raining, but I dont leave, because thats not me. I stick around because I dont understand, I stick around because I care and thats just who I am.
Finally the door is slowly unlocked, and I have to remember not to thrust myself agains the door, because that wont help. I just have to be patient. Maybe the door will open a crack. And I will take what I can get, crack by crack by crack. I think a normal person would walk away from the situation, but I am not normal, and for some reason I cant just let go.
So heres to waiting for the cracks of the door- which means being patient. Im in it for the long haul, you can count on me.

Count your blessings, not your worries

So I am blessed with a family that loves me and supports me no matter what. There are only 5 males that I need in my life at this point- and thats my dad, my brothers and my 2 nephews. Sure its nice to be wanted by a guy thats my age, and I am not giving up hope, I am just screwing my head back on. The past 10 or so days I met the boy that has been mentioned in the past few posts and it was fun, he was nice, but ultimately hes not for me, and Im not for him, not romantically anyway. I think that whats best for me now is to be his friend- a nonjudgmentive friend that he can always turn to. So I am very thankful that the universe answered my call and that it reassured me that I can be wanted.
I know it doesnt seem as if my head was in the clouds during this whirlwind 10 days, but it was, I just also had the presence of mind to keep pushing through the clouds because I knew that there were things that I still needed to do, things that I still needed to see, even though there was this new and exciting boy in my life. What I have discovered is that I dont want to change myself for anyone, I am happy to be who I am, I love being me, and I would love for a guy to also share my happiness for life. I cant deal with guys that are constantly going through mood swings because I am generally and upbeat person and mood swings just rub one me until I want to break down- especially if they arent mine because I want to help people and if their moods are constantly moving back and forth between extremes then I cant help them the way that I want to. And maybe its a lesson that I cant always help people, but I can tell you that I will always try- if I think you are worth it! HAHA.

Next for me is the end of this semester and May term. There are less than 2 weeks left of class, then a week of finals and then a short 4 day break and then the 4 week term. Time is FLYING by! I registered for the classes that I will be taking in the fall this morning and I got everything that I wanted. Now, I just have to find something for the summer. And I may have to take macroeconomics over again. UGH- but I think it will be better over the summer, hopefully.
I guess thats it for now!

Bring your life to life: stop planning, start doing

Got some more Dove promises and the title refers to one of the messages I got.
And ya know? It kind of applies to me, I am always planning things out, sure I live the day to day of my life as it comes, but I am always planning for tomorrow, for the future, and Im not saying that it has to stop. But it might be a good idea to slow it down- because even as I plan I realize that its never gonna happen just the way I want it to. So heres to living just a little bit more in the present.
That being said, I shall talk about the boy, because he, in fact is in the present. lol. I become less and less confident that a romantic relationship will come from this- at least not until he is able to work through some personal hurdles, and until he tells me what they are theres not much that I can do other than be there for him, but I will promise that I will be there for him. I think that he has got to learn to trust again, I am fairly certain that his one bad experience hovers over him like a black cloud- kind of the way that mine does, but I am certain that his is a little more complex. I know what my issues are, I know even how to solve them, I just dont know when the will be solved. And you know a relationship takes a fair amount of trust, and willingness to let the other person in.
Yup, the old relstionship is definitely hovering around him like a black cloudm and he feels as if he missed out on some things- thus now he wants to go back and party. I wish him all the luck and I will be the friend- its what I am used to, its what I am good at- I just hope that he will understand that we are now friends, which means I wont forget about him and I will worry about him.
So thats it for now, goodnight!

Sleeping, or lack thereof

This past week has been whirlwind for me. And through it all I feel pretty grounded. Started with the party that I went to not two days ago Friday, but a week and two days ago. I went so that I could make sure my friend got home safe, and wasnt going to be driven home by a guy that was going to drink. And at that party I met a guy that has given me the time of day. We have been texting almost constantly, and he has come up and stayed at Transy- twice. I gotta say, sleeping in someone's arms all night is much better than I ever could have imagined, even if I dont get much sleep. And that sounds bad, but really nothing has happened. This guy is giving me the space and time that I need to wrap my head around being, hmm, I guess the best word to use here is wanted.
At this point we are just friends, and we both have some feelings, issues, and past experiences to work out before anything could happen. But while getting these things figured out, I think anyway, that we have each other's backs. I will admit that I am not the perfect, dorm room hostess and that I get kind of flustered, and quiet, very quiet, but I think I am making progress.
Kind of the funny side to all this, was mom calling this morning, while the boy and I were at Panera, and she was talking about shirts to get me from her trip, and apparently I was giggling. She called back later to ask why I was giggling, I told her that the boy was making fun of the situation. So she asked if he had stayed the night and I said, yes (I'm not gonna lie to my mom!) and she asked if there was anything that I wanted to tell her, to which I said no. Now the kind of funny thing was that this conversation was going on while I was still out driving with the boy. (Yup, gonna keep refering to him as the boy, those who are close know who he is, and I dont really like using names on this blog.) And so mom said that she was gonna call dad. So she got off the phone with me, I turned to the boy and said shes gonna call dad. He asked if I was worried, and I said no, dad is just gonna call my brothers and I dont think they are gonna do anything. By the time that I got back to my room, both brothers had texted me, as well as my dad. Everyone was a little questioning at first, but then almost unanimously they said that they were happy for me. Hope they know that this may not turn into a relationship, but I dont think that matters too much. I think they are just happy that I am getting out there and getting a little attention. Not to mention, they are happy that I am happy. And for now I am. I dont know where this is going, I dont know all the little pieces yet, but as they fall into place, I will keep this updated- as usual. :)

Inspiration

I want to be an inspiration for girls that have been hurt emotionally, but not like anuse, just things havent gone right with guys. To do that I will share my story. Now, dont feel sorry for me because I live a pretty happy life, and I have almost everything that I need or want, but when it comes to guys, things just dont go my way. It started when I was fairly young and had my first crush- he was my one of my best friends, and definitely didnt see me as datable. That was the hardest to get through, because it wasnt just a crush, it lasted 8 years, and I guess you could say it was my first puppy love thing. And over the years there have been the other crushes, 1 short relationship, and lots of unrequited feelings. The common denominator of all this has been me, left crying. But thats not the inspiration that people need to hear.
The key to it all is to keep your head up. Its not about how many times life knocks you down, or the struggles you go through, but rather getting back up and being strong enough to stand tall after something happens, everytime.
My latest experience was that I met a guy friday night at a party, we seemed to hit it off. So I facebook friend requested him and he sent me his number, and we have been texting oh so much over the past few days. And it seemed that he was in to me, definitely saying all the right things at the right time, but then the bombshell came- he is also talking to another girl, and her name is Kristen (funny, the last guy that I was falling for dated a Kristen). I cant even tell you how crushed I was. But the point here, is that he did tell me about the other girl, and he told me before anything happened between us, and I think hes a pretty decent guy, but nonetheless it was a blow to the gut. I told him that I still wanted to talk to him but that he had to stay honest with me. I dont know how this will turn out.
Heres the thing though- my friends, god love them, are pissed. And I am the one that is, I dont know the right word to put here, maybe laidback about it all. I had a friend that was super excited and jumped for the phone when I got a text before I could. And then theres another friend that has just gone through the hard- hes my friend and I really like him and then he shows up with girlfriend situation.
To them and everyone else I say this: I have been broken, knocked down a couple of times, and shocked, but I know that whatever is happening will lead to the eventual happy ending for me, because I wont settle for anything else. Now, this is not to say that my happy endind will include a guy- just that Im not going to get depressed and down and hurt SO much after every guy that walks into my life.
I may talk about guys a lot but there is more to life than guys and love and such.
Plus this guy- the one from the party- has distracted me throroughly from the last guy, and if nothing else, THAT is a blessing.
Ok, disclaimer, some of this sounds kind of religious, but for me its not. If it inspires you in a religious way then go for it, but thats not where it came from.

Restless

I don't understand, but I do get it, and thus I need to let go, give up, move on.

With these words I start the path of being ME for ME. If others dont like it, I am sorry, but I will not make excuses for myself. So, enjoy!

Take a Chance on me.

So I havent written in a while and thats mostly because I dont necessarily know how to say the things that I want to say. It occured to me, when I was handed the stats by the mysterious stats guy, that people from Transy might read this blog, and sure I WANT people to read it, but there is a great deal of personal things on here that are/were easier to write about when all readers were faceless! Oh well, life goes on right?
Where to start? Where I left off, of course.
Since I last wrote, our basketball team captured the HCAC (Heartland Collegiate Athletic Conference) basketball championship- both teams did actually.
Then both teams were on the road to the NCAA Divison III tournament. Girls were off to St. Louis and boys to Centre college- just down the road. So naturally I went to the boys game. I got there at 5- the first game was at 6, and Transy played at 8. I honestly expected it to be crowded when I got there, but it wasnt, I think I may have been the 20th person there! But its ok, because I got a prime seat- just about half court, 4 rows up! Shortly after I got there, parents and grandparents started showing up. They have become a sort of family- a basketball family. The game was a good one, our guys played their hearts out, but we came up a bit short, after going into overtime, thanks to Joey hitting two free throws with 0.00 time left on the clock for regular play. We lost by 4. It was sad but also theres the promise of a new beginning for those who arent seniors. For the seniors it was bittersweet, but you know at least we made it to the tournament- thats SOMETHING. So after the game I stuck around to shake the hands of the players, as was becoming my new habit. Some of the players even hug me now. And one player in particular hugged me when I stuck out my hand to shake his. I was thrilled, and confused, because see this is the Saint, I talk about him a lot and he had basically stopped talking to me the week before the game, which pissed me off. And his girlfriend had friend requested me on facebook, which made me curious. I just thought that his girlfriend was checking up on the people he was talking to, and maybe told him to stop talking to me, I didnt know. But then he hugged me, and I KNOW that it was a simple thanks for coming and thanks for your support thing, but he could have done that with a simple handshake. And throwing me even further was the fact that the following day, he and his girlfriend are no longer friends on facebook- yes facebook, I know its silly but it IS informational! So safe to say they are no longer together? I dont know. And these thoughts have kept me wondering ALL through the break. But now basketball is over and I dont know when I'll get to talk to him again- without bein awkward about it. Oh and theres the whole "its probably not even me" thoughts, I know how many girls think that he is gorgeous and such, so that keeps my head running around in circles too.
Ah well, I cant stop living life to think about all the different possibilities or opportunities, I just have to go with the flow. See what happens, and be BRAVE, I am pretty sure my whole family is rooting for me! haha Mom, dad, brothers, grandma- everyone! And then theres the people who ask about me and the guys I am around, and of course, I share, because I cant hold it back- they are also very supportive. Now, if only it would happen (no, I dont really expect it to).

And now, Spring Break!
I had such grand plans of things to do over break, very little actually got done but I did enjoy my week, and I have time before things HAVE to be done, I just need to get straight to work once I get back to school.
I think thats where I'll stop today. :)

Beautiful Disaster

I know I talk about it A LOT, and for those who keep listening I say thanks, and I'm sorry. I mean this has truly become an obsession for me. It has been a slow, lifelong progression though. Basketball, yes thats it. I mean sure there are other parts of my obsession, but really it comes back to basketball. I even went out and bought one the other day and I dont even play, but I just keep coming back to it. Sure I like other sports too, but basketball is my favorite. And sure there is the one player that has helped me with this obsession, but still its the smell of the gym, the sound of the dribbling and the swish of the net, the jerseys, the yelling and the coach's dance that really make me happy. And honestly it kind of amazes me that I havent gotten tired of it yet. Its like a high, its amazing and I have such a good time with it. Sometimes the best thing too, is having the players and people around the team recognize me. I feel as if I have gone my life with out really being noticed and so when people notice me it THRILLS me, to no end. I guess I just express myself through this blog because though I am thrilled by basketball I know my friends arent and so I try to think of them- and try NOT to bore them to death. I really hope that I find someone to share my love of the game with, whether its just a friend or more, at this point it doesnt matter, I just want to absorb myself with basketball. And though it might sound kind of petty- its seeing the game live that makes it all the better, though as I have said before, having it on as background noise on the TV is also pretty soothing.
Basketball is my beautiful disaster- but I am ok with that. The game is the beautiful part, the disaster part is not being able to fully share it with the person that I want to share it with. So heres to looking forward and looking for that person. :)

Less Distracted

Just wanted to report that the first thing on my mind this morning was Calculus, apparently I am back to normal, well, as normal as I can be. I know that I was having good dreams last night but the roommates phone alarm promptly woke me up and all memories of good dreams flew away from me head. But it is ok. I was able to finish my calculus homework and hopefully I can go to the board for extra credit on the test that is later this week. I will continue my Panera runs- though I am slowing down on the amount that I spend there, I am running short on money- going to Indiana didnt help, although I only had to put $26 in the tank for the round trip- THAT was exciting!
I guess I dont really have that much to write other than I had a great weekend, even if I was fairly distracted and I am ready to be back in the groove of school work. I just have to get through 2 more full weeks of class, 2 tests and then its spring break, and I can go home and let my tongue hang out for a day or two, but then I gotta study- well that and watch basketball! :)
I am saddened that basketball season is almost over, but I am thrilled for the start of baseball. Anyway, thats all I will ramble about today- gotte head to class!

Roadtrip aftermath

Yesterday, my roomie, a friend of ours and I drove 4 hours to go see our basketball team play. I had a blast, the drive up wasnt great fun though- I do believe that is the worst weather I have ever driven through, it got snowy and icey pretty darn fast. But we made it there safe- and I am a pretty safe driver- I am really glad I was driving, though I was not happy about the weather I think I may have ahd a panic attack if someone else was driving- I know that sounds weird, but its me :). Anyway got to see the last 10:37 minutes of the girls game- they won- YAY. And got to move down to the lower level- front row, right behind our team for the guys game. There were a few other students that made the drive but mostly we were surrounded by parents. Parents are my favorite- I just love how intense they are, and I love how much the players of our team respect and love their parents, its priceless. After the game we stayed to congratulate players and then back in the road for the 4 hour drive home. The drive home was much better than the drive up!
I think I dreamt of lots of basketball things last night because when I woke up this morning I had the Saint on my mind. It was the first coherent thought that I had this morning, and I honestly cant think of a time where that has ever happened to me before, and it threw me off, so thus my whole day has been off. I have been experiencing LOTS of different emotions from jealousy, to excitement, guilt and sadness. Its almost too much to handle. But life goes on and so must I.
I am so glad that we get to host the tourney this weekend but gosh I have had this weekend planned out since before Christmas, so trying to fit in other basketball games is NUTS! I will do what I can and I must not feel guilty for missing a game- no matter how big it is, my mom is more important than any basketball game, and thus so is spending time with her. But I will admit it wont be easy for me to turn off my basketball brain, so I KNOW I will be thinking about how we are doing during Mamma Mia. And missing this game will mean missing only my third home game ALL season. But even when I missed those games- I did watch them on the internet! Next year will be a bigger year for me. I really hope to go to more away games- those mini roadtrips are fun. And maybe just maybe next year I will be traveling with the team- working on stats. One can always hope- I mean that would be freaking awesome!

On to other things- I was reading the partial copy of Midnight Sun that is on Stephenie Meyer's website- its Edwards version of Twilight (It wasnt helpful to my disorganized mood today) but one of the things that caught my eye was: Reckless Angel. I really liked this term and I have applied it to myself as well as the Saint- kind of subconsciously. Sometimes I feel reckless in my feelings and I know I cant necessarily pick and choose the people I fall for- I mean if that were true then I would definitely NOT have picked the Saint. And I dont mean to sound full of myself, but I am, for the most part a good person that makes good decisions and thus thats where the Angel part comes in. And then turning it around to the Saint: Reckles in some of the decisions that he makes, but still he is an Angel in my eyes, and I honestly cant help it. As I said before, if I could help it then he wouldnt be the object of my attention- not because hes not worthy, but because he is already taken, in what seems to be a fairly happy relationship.

I guess I just dont get it. I dont really get people, and I dont always understand myself. Why would someone who plays the game of basketball with all his heart fall for and be with someone who clearly doesnt really love the game. Is it that opposites attract, or is it that at this point its comfortable? And then at the same time, its not my place to be privy to such details. Its not my life, and I usually dont care what others do with their lives, as long as it doesnt effect me and this shouldnt be any different, but for some reason it is different. I cant tell you why, maybe because he is the person that I have fallen for most recently, and I want him to be happy? But then he IS happy- at least on the outside. So why to I feel protective? I feel as if I mean more to him than I actually do, and I feel as if he deserves better. Maybe thats true- but then again why am I so judgemental over this girl that he obviously is happy with. See I keep going in circles! UGH

I suppose the next topic of blogging conversation here is the sorority issue- tomorrow they will vote on my voluntary probation. And I will be free, for the rest of the semester, I mean I have to go to one event a month but other than that Im free. Then in May I meet with the standards committee again to decide whether I am to return or whether I am done for good. This probation period couldnt come soon enough.

And lastly- still wondering who the stats person is, you know the one that brought me the stats after the basketball game last week? Apparently you read this, so maybe I can get a copy of the stats on Saturday?- assuming we win Friday- I would ask for the Friday stats but I am not going to be at the game- see above. And your name- since I missed it the first time, can you tell me again?! :)

Thats it for now, ~Reckless Angel.

Touched.

I have had almost the best night of my life- sorry traveling still is better than this, but it takes a REAL close second. First, my wonderful roomie got to the game early to save me my seat. It really made me happy. And my brother got to at least see part of the game online- which also really made me happy.
Then we won our game. And what a great birthday present to one of our player's mom! And it was Senior night, which made it more bittersweet. I was sitting beside Joey's grandfather, who is 93. It made me smile that he was there to cheer on his grandson.
So the real highlights of the night come after the game is over, I have gotten into the habit of staying after the game to talk to Matt or other players and so I was talking to the mom's whos birthday it was and this person came up to me "Are you Jessie?" hmm, "Yea" and he hands me the stats from the game, the official stats. And said that he had heard that I take the stats and thought that I might like to compare or whatever. I was awed, touched and impressed. Apparently he read about my stats obsession here on this blog. And if you are reading now, Im sorry, I think you told me your name, but I dont remember what it was- honestly I was so impressed with the whole stats thing that anything you said really flew out of my head! I am very touched that you read my blog, and then found me and brought me the stats. Thank you!
And lastly I had a conversation with the Saint, it wasnt much but it was SOMETHING.. it thrilled me- what was it about you ask? Basketball stats, what else?! HAHA.

Anyway- I am off to bed. But heres to basketball stats! :)

Needing vs. Wanting

Today a friend and I have been discussing guys, how we feel about specific ones and all that good stuff. So some of the highlights of things that we discussed.
AS far as wanting a guy: "Just any guy isnt the answer. I think we want to need somoen. I have never needed a man, but I'd like to love someone enough to need them because that has never happened to me. I want a best friend and everything." To add to that "I dont NEED a guy- my mom raised me to be happy on my own but I do really want a guy. I companion. Its how my parents are and I want that so bad. A friend, a companion. Its important to me."

Those are just some of the feelings that we shared today and I dont want them to go into the deep darkness of a memory- I want to be able to recall them at any point.

Another conversation that I had today that I wanted to share. It was between a friend and myself, he is a basketball player, from TN. So since UK is playing Vandy I asked if he was rooting for UK or Vandy. And he said: "I'd have to go with Vandy for their core academics and rigorous criteria for which they stress upon their student body.Not to mention its in TN."
It just made me smile and I thought it was clever. (Smartass!)