Just a Kiss

A new Lady Antebellum song that I heard for the first, and tenth time today! It kind of not quite but almost perfectly describes my feelings about Thursday, if you are interested.
Don't worry I am not exactly sure about the "one I've been waiting my life for" or however they say it...
(Though the way I said it worked really well with my post, heehee)

I will keep this post a short one.

Goodnight friends.

Silly me, it was just a kiss... right?

Yea, I went in thinking it was my last chance, that you wouldnt come and even that if you did come, it was the last time we would likely see one another.
But you did come, and we hung out...
And now, I dont know how to proceed. I suck at this, the last time I kissed someone, he said "See ya Monday" and got out of the car, and then, well, that was kind of it for our relationship.
Maybe its because you didnt say "See ya Monday"...
Maybe its because it felt right.
But now I mourn that that may have been the last time.

Ack. I keep going in circles in my head. I tried to talk to him about it, but I dont know if I am more confused or not.
I know who I want to talk to, who will give me the best advice, but she, well she doesnt want to talk to me about him. She doesnt like him. And I hurt her feelings by being with him.

How can the best night of my life also be one of the worst nights?

Sigh. Its time to believe in myself, and be strong for myself... so here goes nothing!

So many changes

Im done with Transy. I have graduated, and I am now an alumna, yet that isnt the only big moment of my life.
I got to fly in a private jet from New York to KY.
I karoake'd for the first time ever.
I felt like I lost all of my friends for about 15 hours.
And I had an awesome experience with him- no we didnt sleep together- but I feel like I cant tell anyone because no one approves of him.

I am not saying that he's the one for me.
I am not overlooking the past, simply letting it go.
I understand that you dont like him.
But I was hoping that your love for me meant that I could share the things that I am dying to share with you.
I dont need protection, I have always lived my life on the safe side.
I want to let loose some more. I want to have fun and I want all my friends to be there by my side.
But for the first time I feel kind of rebellious, and if I must do this without your support, I will.

There is room for both of you, just like there is room for me and your significant other in your life.
I guess ultimately I want your blessing. I understand that you may not like him, but I would love your support, your ear, and I dont want to make the choice between him and you, and I shouldnt have to, I have a big heart. :)

New Experiences

Something happened last night.
Something that was a long time coming, and good.
But I cant tell anyone about it because no one will be happy for me.
And the person who I want to tell the most, is giving me the silent treatment.
It sucks.
But I am sorry, I wouldnt change my experience last night for anything, because it was a long time coming.
I just wish that you would be happy for me and let me celebrate with you.
I also wish that you would tell me your honest opinion when I asked and not let me find out that you are pissed about things later.
I love you, I cherish you and our friendship, but I also think that you were trying to protect me from him, and last night, I didnt need protection, I needed to do what I've been wanting to do for months now.

Almost Halfway

So I am currently in Italy- which I think I told you the other day. Its the longest trip I have ever taken in my life, and its the first international trip without someone in my family. And I am happy to report that though I miss everyone a lot, I have not suffered from horrible bouts of homesickness. It seems I am growing up, growing into an adult? But totally ignoring the fact that I graduate in like 13 days, yea, lets keep ignoring that! :)

Short, sweet and to the point: I am glad I took this trip, I miss people back home, some of whom it was expected that I would miss, others, not so much. But Italy is a great experience, and I have even enjoyed not looking at a map, and just getting lost.


Longer. I have finally decided that yes, life is about getting lost, doing something you may have never seen yourself doing, and just going with the flow. I think that is what Italy has brought out in me, and its something that I can hopefully translate in to all other parts of my life. Many times I become a control freak, maybe if I just let things go things will fall into place. Its funny though that I had to go to a foreign country to discover this. Yes, we have some structure every day, but we also have free time, and its our time, to wander and do just whatever blows our skirt up. I like this, I want to cultivate it in all parts of my life. :)

This shouldnt be the way things are... but ok, whatever

You arent mine, I do not belong to you.
I was doing JUST fine for the first 3 days, what happened?
I know, I had a dream about you,
and now, well now I cant get you out of my head.
I miss you, lots.
And I have no way of getting in contact with you.
None.
I mean there's a chance you might respond to my facebook message, but I dont think you will.
And I dont even know if you use your email address.
But I miss you...
So much it aches.
Which is weird, funny and this shouldnt be happening.
We went 5 months without talking, 2 weeks shouldnt be a big deal.
But my god, I miss you.
More and more as time goes on...
Oh well, I may or may not get to see you sometime in the 4-5 days that I am in Lex once I get back from Italy.
But my guess is that I wont.

So not that you ever read this, but I miss you and I hope you are having a good couple of weeks! ;)

From this moment on

I leave for Italy today. My first trip abroad without my parents. I will be gone for 2 weeks.
I am suddenly terrified.
Can I do this, can I get through 2 weeks with these people that I dont really know? It's gotta be better than going totally on my own, I guess. Yet, I am still terrified.
On the other hand this is something that I wanted, something that I signed up for, and maybe just maybe it will be wonderful.
One thing I am sure of is that this will be a challenge, but one that can push me out in the world. Maybe this trip will make me feel like less of a mouse and more like a lion.

Its kind of funny, yesterday I was home, my brother had thrown my parents a Surprise wedding anniversary party and it became clear that I would be responsible to take them home. And I felt rushed... I didnt get home til like 5 and I was wanting to be in Lex at 5, ugh! But more than that I felt a minibreakdown coming. And I didnt want to burden my parents with sadness on their happy day. I think I managed to get out of the house without them realizing it, but I realized that I was leaving and boy am I going to miss them. The funny part is that I think that as much as I am hiding my feelings, they are too. Lots of people have been asking me how mom is taking it, and I really dont know, I think she is a little worried and probably has some anxiety. But I got an email from her this morning and realize that there's more than meets the eye. I think my mom is almost as panicked as I am. But we are both putting on a brave front because we dont want to worry the other!

So, here's to a wonderful, amazing time in Italy!

Watch Me

You sir, may possess every attribute that I want in a significant other. And so on the outside, on paper, you would be perfect for me, but real life doesnt care about paper. Real life doesnt hand me perfect, real life hands me you. See, while on paper you have all the things that I want, in real life, you have some personality traits that I cannot live with, though I have tried.
Next on my list of perfection: A good communicator who follows through.
I dont want to talk to you, to see you eventually. I want to talk to you, see you, be with you now.
I'm not going to cut off all ties with you, because I dont do well with that, but I sure as hell dont have to, nor will I wait for you.
I get to make my happy, I get to do whatever I want to, and you, well, lets just say I've been disappointed one too many times to ever follow through with an us.
Will I dream of it? Yes. Because I see myself eventually marrying someone like you, though, unlike before, I definitely dont think it will be you, unless you go through some drastic changes, and that just not fair to ask of someone who is so wrapped up in his own world. (Wow what a horrible sentence!)

But all these things I decided last weekend. And after this decision I went out and did things for myself. I lost control of my faculties and staff, danced the night away in the tightest dress I've ever worn, randomly went to Rolex with someone I dont really know all that well, then went bowling with the most random people ever, and went to a movie at a theater BY MYSELF... I did those things instead of waiting on you. You always disappoint, and me, well, I may be slow, and I might not get things right the first time, but I will learn my lessons, and I will come out happy!

Two years ago, I fell for you and you left me hanging. Last year, I knew that I still had more feelings for you than you had for me. This year, well, we will just have to see, right?

Brick Wall

We communicate, sometimes more than others. Sometimes we joke and sometimes its serious.
You call me, which, honestly surprises me.
You, my friend are the KING of mixed signals.
No contact between Thursday and Saturday. But Saturday I go to the event that you put together and you flirt with me in the middle of your store. Sure, its funny, and yea, it would be cute- IF WE WERE DATING! But we aren't so I just think "What the HELL just happened?"
Here's my view of what happened:
I walk in from the rain, see you, smile and I'm just gonna go on my way, but you stop me, in the front of the store, where there is like 10 people, and you fix my hair- apparently I had strands making a V on my forehead, and you FIX THEM. That is not something that just friends do. Really, that felt like unnecessary PDA, like you were advertising we were an item, but WE ARENT. At least, if we are, I am totally unaware.

Theres a difference this time

So, I text him. Said that I knew we hadnt talked in almost 5 months (today would have been the 5 month mark exactly)and I knew that it was on me, but I was thinking of him and I hope he was doing well. Since he didnt respond to the facebook message, I didnt figure he would respond to this either, and I was ok with that, mostly.
But he responded. And apparently he didnt get the message until last week, because his mom had read it.
Anyway.
Why did I make contact? What makes it different this time?
Ever had an addiction? You can give it up and the first couple of days its not so bad, and you even go through periods of time in which you dont care about it at all. And then you hit a wave of longing. Yea, this was one of those waves. And I lived with it for almost 2 weeks before I did anything about it. So what made me do something? Well, I looked deeply in my heart and soul. And I wrote down things that I thought of, all the questions that came to mind. Why him, why now, what if this happens, or even that?
And I decided that being in contact with him was healthy for me. I miss his friendship because he's not connected to the rest of my friends and in some ways he is a breath of fresh air. AND this time, this friendship will happen on my terms. I made the first contact to show that I guess I was ready to have him back in my life. But if he wants to be in my life, than he gets to make the effort. If he wants to hang out, he can make the contact, and I get to choose whether or not I am free, or want to see him. We are friends, and there is no need to over think anything that happens.
OK, so I'm not perfect.
And I am slightly over thinking the reasons behind this "couple of hours" long conversation that he wants to have because he doesnt want to "rush anything" but, I mean, things happen.
I just gotta keep telling myself, that I am in charge here, and I've done it once- ok so really its been more like 3 times, and I CAN live without him (and I pretty much do live without him 6 months out of the year).

Moral of the story: I did some soul searching before I decided to let him back in my life. Now, we just have to wait and see how it works this time!

(I think I might understand why people have on-again, off-again relationships. Before I always thought it was very stupid!)

Back To December

It's a song by Taylor Swift. And it describes my feelings of at least the past week fully.
I know that I can't change things, and that its useless looking on the past, but that does not stop me from doing such things.

Its sad that I get inspired to write when I am having hard days with respect to J. Last night was super tough because I've missed him so much lately- we met 2 years ago last Sunday, and of course since I am a dates person, I remember that.
I effectively deleted him out of my life in December. And I miss him. I know that a real "relationship" between us is impractical, and I know that it won't work. But its not just the thought of a relationship that I miss, because technically we were never more than friends. *Sigh*

Yesterday I wrote in my journal and it was like 3 pages of J. Its weird because I struggle to protect my heart, but on the other hand I want to be certain and not have that what if later in life, and I dont know which will win out.

But I had a dream about him last night. I was on spring break and staying at my parents house. In the dream I had had the same struggle that I am having now, and I decided that what the hell, what could I lose by making contact- its not like if he doesnt respond that anything will be different. So I went to tractor supply- it seemed the easiest way to get in touch with him. His work is 2 hours away from my house, and for some reason I was in mom's car, and dad was at tractor supply for something too. I go inside, and at first I figure he might not be working because its a Sunday (back when we were still talking and he got this new job he said that he would likely have Saturday and Sunday off). But I'm looking around and casing out all the workers, and then I see him helping a customer. We make eye contact, and then I go and intently look at screwdrivers, or something equally random. And he comes over and says hey, and I notice that he has a hugely swollen hand- think Hulk hand on a guy that is 6'4'' and 150 pounds at the most. And I say "hey, can we talk?" And we walk around the store, and I apologize for October, and talk about how I miss our friendship and was wondering if we could start fresh (for the 3rd year in a row). He listened patiently, told me that he missed our friendship as well but was worried about being friends again, but he would be willing to give it a shot. And then I told him its all good, it would have to be slow anyway, because I cant tell any of my Transy friends that he is back in my life- they would like lock me away. And then we parted ways, kind of with a bittersweet feeling.

Then at the end of the dream, I got into mom's car and I didnt turn it on but accidentally put it into drive. And it started rolling, and there were hills and because it wasnt on I couldnt put it back in park, but because it wasnt in park I couldnt put it on. But the brakes worked, not 100% but enough to keep me out of trouble, so I searched for a hill to go up so that the car would stop completely so that I could turn it on. And eventually ended up in a park, got the car started fine, drove off, and woke up.


I don't know what is gonna happen, but I am sure it will be a learning experience.

So here's to learning something new, even if it throws your world upside down and involves some emotional pain!

Temporary Home

A song by Carrie Underwood

Today, while I was in the middle of a group project, my mom informed me that Stan Burrous had died. This is the man that for the first 11 years of my life, I called Grandpa, a man who was always loving towards me, even though I was aware that he had a kind of mean streak. And then he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, turned horribly nasty towards my grandma, divorced her, and moved to Pennsylvania. This is a man who, I have had little to no contact with for the past 11 years. Yet, still, the news of his passing gives me pause.
No, we werent related by blood, but he was a part of my life, and he did leave his mark on my heart.
He was their when I took my first steps.
He would always bring me goodies when he and my grandma visited.
And there was that one weekend, when I was sent to stay with him and Grandma and I didnt speak! Thats right, I think I was maybe 5 or 6, and I didnt utter a word the whole weekend, but I did smile.
I remember my smile brought a smile to his face, he was funny. And I will always have the wooden bowls he made for me... time to pull them out and appreciate them for the love that was poured into them.
No, my life wont necessarily drastically change because the man that I called Grandpa died, but it is a reminder that life is temporary, and we should love with all our heart, follow all our passions, smile daily, and work to foster the relationships that matter to us.

Here's to Grandpa Stan, Grandma Carnes, George, Great-Aunt Mary Belle, Cousin Sharon, Friend Mr. Saltsman, Grandma Carnes' Sister; Abbey (dog), Khan (dog), Dolly (horse), Kitty (cat), Not Spot (cat), Junior (cat) and all the other friends and family I have lost since the summer of 2007. Rest In Peace

Waiting for the pen to dry up so she can start fresh with thoughts that are worth new ink.

Sunday was horrible.
Monday wasn't much better.
But then, Monday night, Marky Mark (no, thats not his real name) talked to me. And he knows my name, and that was just the thing to bring the sunshine in and push out the black cloud.
The black hole is gone too.
Thank goodness.
And I know it isnt much, but it was enough to help me brush myself off, and stand back up.
I can take on the world, I just need the occasional person to help me remember that I do believe in myself!
I went from Grumpy Greta to Jubilant Jessie in a blink of an eye!
Blogger world, I hope that you all have people that can step in when you are having your most ugly moments and make your world a brighter place.

Here's to happiness!

Lonely

I dont think I have ever felt so alone in my life.
Sure, part of it was probably my own doing because I was really happy to have the room to myself all day. But also, I am a social being and wanted to have dinner with some friends, but when I call all the friends that I would consider eating a sit down dinner with, and they are all busy, thats just seriously depressing.
And thats not my only problem.
How do you show someone that you are truly happy for them and their successes when you are drowning in your own lack of self worth?
I am so happy for you, really, thrilled, I want to be jumping up and down for you, but on the other hand, I can barely smile at anything right now.
That's just not fair to either one of us. So, maybe if I isolate myself, then you dont have to see my lack of happy, and I dont wallow so much in your happiness.
I am a panicky, weepy, overwhelmed, horribly angry mess that just wants to be held. Yea, if I had the opportunity I would hide from myself.
I guess heres to hoping this black hole that I have turned into wont last, and I will come on the other side completely amazing.

You arent welcome here anymore, boy.

I know, I know, I said I was going to focus more on daily life, and the non-boy issues. But you see, those are things that I can easily talk about with the people in my daily life, and therefore I dont need an outlet for them. And thus, yes, this post is about boys, or really that one boy that I banned from my life Halloween weekend.
I read my happy romantic comedy books, I have happy days, and I dream about my life to come but with all of those things, there is that undertone of him. I am the one that sent him away, told him not to talk to me, deleted our "friendship" so why, WHY can I not keep him out of my head?
I dont even want him in my life. Ok, so maybe I like the idea of most of his attributes- hes 6'4'' and a country boy and he has a fun personality- but he has some things that are deal breakers: his lack of making plans for one (and its a big one!), he gave bad excuses and his overall communication skills kind of suck.
Really, if we combined J with T, things would be perfect, but I am not a mad scientist, nor is it actually possible... sigh.
Back to my rambles about J. I ramble here because he is kind of a he-who-must-not-be-named type of person in my group of friends, and more than that, if I do talk about him- out loud with my voice- its like I cant get away from him. If I keep him in my head and on my blog, I still have some control, and hes banished from my real life.
But there is a flaw in that logic, really if I give thought to him, then he is in my real life.
What to do about that?
I dont know, and maybe when I figure something out, I will tell you, but for now, I just have to keep my head high, the only one that can make my life not worth living is me, and I am not that weak.

I just gotta keep on keeping on.

New year, new me?

I dont think so.
In fact, I feel gross, like an exaggeration, and downright worthless.
I've lost my happy place, and I need to find it again.
Or, maybe I am growing up and becoming my own person with my own opinions, and I dont care what other people think- I get to think what I want to think.

Reinventing myself here.
Sort of.
At least, I think maybe?

Panic

It's November second. Election day. Fun day. Beautiful day.
And I hit a panic.
What the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life?
Yes, I am an accounting major, but I dont know of any accounting firms, how am I going to find a job out of school?
I have got to take the CPA test, how/when?
Grad school? Yea, I was going to do that, but but but, but, I thought getting my CPA first was a good idea, so I havent taken the GMAT. The new plan is to take it in July.
I have a great fear of failure, and so what does a friend tell me?
Well, failure is part of life. WHAT THE HELL, man?
You dont say that to someone who has already cried over this today.
NO.
You say something like "out of all of my friends, you are the least likely to fail".
So, I guess its up to me to give myself a pep talk:
Dearest Jessie:
You have never been a failure. You may have stumbled a time or two, but you fall to your knees and you stand back up. You like to plan, but you also know that nothing ever goes exactly to plan, and therefore you have a jump on all of those other planners out in the world. You have a sense of perseverance that has been complimented several times. You have already made your family proud, and you have no where to go but up. You will find a fantastic job- if not at first, then later in life. You can do anything, ANYTHING you set your mind to and knowing that makes you one step ahead of everyone else. Sure, others already have jobs, and sure others got more interviews- but remember until that fateful day in September you were dead set on graduate school right away rather than getting your CPA right away.

OK, so my momma called me and gave me a pep talk... but I will still share this one.

Life in the Safe Lane?

Ive realized that I live life safely. I dont really ever put my neck on the line where someone could either save my butt or leave me there and I could have it cut off.
And its not just with boys, where I dont let loose.
Its in many things.
Its in driving- I am a terrible passenger, and a control freak, and therefore I drive anywhere I go, pretty much.
Its in my school work- I always pick a safe subject, and kind of sort of describe it and get the gist of it, and that gives me B's but really, if I just stuck my neck out there a little bit more, if I made more assertions, I could wind up with some A's on papers. And this occurred to me as I was writing my last paper. I was writing on Taoism, and I just got a jolt of inspiration, and off I went and I didnt hold anything back, and it felt good. I only hope that my no holds barred approach is rewarded. Professors are always telling me that I get the point, but I just need a little bit more. Well, that was it, I think, I hope.
Yes, planning is good, important and a great tool. But sometimes, yes I am finally admitting this- sometimes the best parts of life are NOT planned! Be spontaneous every now and then, and know that its not always going to be perfect, but at the same time, some of the best laid plans never work out.
Be fun, have fun.
Surround yourself with the people that you like, and those arent always necessarily the people in your core group of friends. If you have to, break the mold, spend sometime with someone different for a change.
Bottom line: This life is yours, take it or leave it, but I have decided to take mine and run with it.

Friday afternoon the boy made me unhappy- to say the least- and I decided that I shouldnt need him, that I cant rely on him, and therefore, when he said he was "out" for plans that night, I told him I was "out" til Dec. 5th. And when I think about it, I feel as if I am doing the exact thing that I told him I wouldnt- I told him he wouldnt lose me, but doesnt no contact for a month equal somewhat of a loss? On the other hand, I gave him about 15 opportunities to open up and talk to me, and I made those promises thinking that he would, but he never did. And so I am free and clear to work at letting go. If I am as important to him as he says I am, then its time for him to step up to the plate and make some effort. I dont mind being friends- but it is going to take a talk, a real honest to goodness face-to-face talk, and thats something that I dont think he will commit to and follow through with.
The point of that story was to share my most recent analogy: I feel as if I was driving down the "James" road- one which I have been down before, though the scenery is a little bit different, I am still running over excuse after excuse. But Friday, when he had a golden opportunity to talk to me and he wouldnt, I got mad and turned the wheel hard, I took a 90 degree turn to the left and I pressed down on my accelerator. If he wants, he can find me, he can catch up and give me his story, but hed better do it soon, because this time I am likely to be long gone.

This post was written by Spontaneous Jessie. haha :)

Superperson!

Today was costume day at school.
I haven't really participated in Halloween costumes since, well since I went trick-or-treating, unless I was like a Cowgirl or something.
But today, today I went as a Superperson.
It was fantastic, people smiled at me, gawked at me, and I felt wonderful.
I mean I dont really like to be stared at a lot, but I felt it was appropriate today.
Long story short:
Life is short, and today I fully embraced it! :)

Nicknames

My name: Jessica
Common Nicknames: Jessie and Jess

People when first meeting me, or after knowing me just a few weeks will often ask me what I liked to be called, or if I have a preference, and I always say pick your favorite, or I like Jessica, Jessie or Jess.

And I will generally respond to any of those names, and a few others- as long as you arent yelling for me in a large crowd, because then I just cant hear, and so will pay no attention. Usually in this case yelling Carnes is good.

Anyway. I dont generally have an issue with my name and I introduce myself as Jessica or Jessie depending on the context.

But my favorite nickname, really, is Jess. I love when people call me Jess, but I never tell people to call me that. Is that weird?
Its kind of like its my favorite BECAUSE I dont tell people to call me that, therefore, when they call me that its because they came up with it on their own. I mean its not that hard to get Jess from Jessica, but still.

OK, thats my random thought of the day! :)