The past two nights I've been having mish mash dreams that throw all kind of aspects of my past into one dream. What the heck?
And then, today, a friend and I were talking about tattoos and I thought of J. Then, I got the absolutely crazy idea to see if J's number had changed... because I distinctly remember a tattoo.
So I texted this number that I had to dig out of an old phone. Its still his.
At first my heart was racing- here was a guy that I was almost involved with, and I havent talked to him in almost 2 years. What the hell was I doing?
I dont know, I still dont know, I mean I've just invited a layer of my past back into my life. Jesus.
But we had a nice conversation. He's grown, and I couldnt be more proud of him.
He said something interesting though, he said "Im not the same J you remember and you might not like this version." I found it weird. Was he asking for acceptance? Was he trying to impress me? Dude, I dont matter, its been 2 years. But what he sent me was not a bad change. It was a good change, and I am so happy for him.
He also has a daughter. Whoa.
It hit me, its odd how much someone can change in 2 years. And at the same time how someone can stay the same. I mean as much as I've moved forward, I've stayed in the same spot in life- weird how that happens.
Anyway, the think that struck me as most odd about the conversation, is that it was all about him. Huh. But seriously, I asked all the requisite questions, I sent him my support, and yet at the end of the conversation, he didnt ask a single question about me. It just struck me as odd.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Where does the time go?
Its been 2 months since I've written anything here, 2 whole months, exactly.
I am not seeing G. We kind of fizzled. Probably my fault, and thats ok, ya know? Things like this happen.
And thanks to a friend's memory of my posts from my Israel trip, I took a trip down memory lane myself, the other day. There was something that stuck out to me, something that I didnt know was true of that time, but something I've known to be true as of late.
You see, there is a person in this world who, regardless of where he is and what he is doing, has always drawn me to him, if that makes ANY sense...
I know I've talked about him on and off here on this blog, but my life just seems to circle around him. Can we all remember my Memorial Day weekend trip to DC? And the emotions that I had after it? Yea, so that person is now in basic training for the Army. And considering his family isnt supportive, really, of his Army aspirations I have taken it upon myself to write him while he goes through the basic training process.
10 letters in 3 weeks... most of my friends say overkill. But he wrote 1 letter back telling me that he loves getting my letters and he loves hearing from me and that he doesnt have a lot of free time but he does read the letters at night. He also said something like "I have always known you are crazy, and Ive always been ok with it, in fact its what I like most." It was in response to something in at least one of my letters talking about how crazy I am for quitting my job and going back to school and just running around and this and that. But what a great response! How lucky am I to have someone who like my crazy! lol. I mean I have a lot of friends who deal with my crazy, but no one has before said that its what they like most. (Swoon)
Right now he is home on what they deem "Victory Block" leave for the holidays. And he sent me a message: "I got your letter, I loved it. Please send more, it keeps me going. :)"
I bet you can imagine how those words made me feel.
On the other hand, hes home for 2 weeks, well now for another week, and other than that message, I've not gotten to talk to him. Yes, his communication skills suck. Yes, I know this, and yet, I still swoon over and over again.
So, heres to hoping for more contact, more letters, and more swooning! lol.
I am not seeing G. We kind of fizzled. Probably my fault, and thats ok, ya know? Things like this happen.
And thanks to a friend's memory of my posts from my Israel trip, I took a trip down memory lane myself, the other day. There was something that stuck out to me, something that I didnt know was true of that time, but something I've known to be true as of late.
You see, there is a person in this world who, regardless of where he is and what he is doing, has always drawn me to him, if that makes ANY sense...
I know I've talked about him on and off here on this blog, but my life just seems to circle around him. Can we all remember my Memorial Day weekend trip to DC? And the emotions that I had after it? Yea, so that person is now in basic training for the Army. And considering his family isnt supportive, really, of his Army aspirations I have taken it upon myself to write him while he goes through the basic training process.
10 letters in 3 weeks... most of my friends say overkill. But he wrote 1 letter back telling me that he loves getting my letters and he loves hearing from me and that he doesnt have a lot of free time but he does read the letters at night. He also said something like "I have always known you are crazy, and Ive always been ok with it, in fact its what I like most." It was in response to something in at least one of my letters talking about how crazy I am for quitting my job and going back to school and just running around and this and that. But what a great response! How lucky am I to have someone who like my crazy! lol. I mean I have a lot of friends who deal with my crazy, but no one has before said that its what they like most. (Swoon)
Right now he is home on what they deem "Victory Block" leave for the holidays. And he sent me a message: "I got your letter, I loved it. Please send more, it keeps me going. :)"
I bet you can imagine how those words made me feel.
On the other hand, hes home for 2 weeks, well now for another week, and other than that message, I've not gotten to talk to him. Yes, his communication skills suck. Yes, I know this, and yet, I still swoon over and over again.
So, heres to hoping for more contact, more letters, and more swooning! lol.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Panic
I dont know why I panicked and I have learned a lot about myself thanks to said panic.
But damn it, this was a good one. One that treats me right.
I hope there is a way to move forward.
G is the one that I think about- all the freakin time.
I desperately want to talk to him all the time- when I wake up, before I go to bed.
Hell there are nights when I just want him to be near me.
Maybe we will get to that point again. Maybe not. Only time will tell.
He hasnt run from me yet- maybe there is still the chance.
But damn it, this was a good one. One that treats me right.
I hope there is a way to move forward.
G is the one that I think about- all the freakin time.
I desperately want to talk to him all the time- when I wake up, before I go to bed.
Hell there are nights when I just want him to be near me.
Maybe we will get to that point again. Maybe not. Only time will tell.
He hasnt run from me yet- maybe there is still the chance.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Stepping back
I have 2 things to write about and I dont want to forget them:
Cervical Cancer
Stepping back to see things from a different perspective.
What you need to know:
Happy girl once again.
I will give you details soon.
Goodnight!
Cervical Cancer
Stepping back to see things from a different perspective.
What you need to know:
Happy girl once again.
I will give you details soon.
Goodnight!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Short, sweet and to the point.
One of the things that I miss most from G is random 3 am messages. They were never really long, usually just a sentence, but they always made me smile.
"Why did you take the crush posts down?"
"I've grown quite fond of you, woman."
I realize I may never get any again, but that doesnt mean I dont miss them. :)
That is all.
Goodnight, ya'll.
"Why did you take the crush posts down?"
"I've grown quite fond of you, woman."
I realize I may never get any again, but that doesnt mean I dont miss them. :)
That is all.
Goodnight, ya'll.
Friday, October 12, 2012
All or nothing?
Why is it that when we are friends I can't get you to make plans with me but when we were dating you wanted to hang out almost every day that you were off?
Isn't there a happy medium anywhere?
Isn't there a happy medium anywhere?
Sunday, October 07, 2012
I saw goodbye in her eyes, girl, let me love you
The first part of the title of this post is a Zac Brown Band song and the second part is a Ne-yo song.
Two different worlds right?
I dont know where I am, or where I am going anymore. I take it a day at a time but thats not what I want to do. I want to look forward to the future, I want to have goals dreams and happiness. But we arent there, not yet.
I am in a place I've never been before, what happens when you realize that 1. you really messed up and 2. you messed with someone else's emotions- unintentionally. Let me explain. So G and I talked for 3 months, then started hanging out which we kind of also called dating, then we kissed, I panicked, called the dating off, but realized that I didnt want him out of my life and we are building back to friends. Yea- most of that happened in the last 3 weeks (but who's counting?) Last weekend I was mad at him because he wouldnt talk to me even thought we had already said we were gonna go back to being friends. This weekend I am mad at myself because I feel like an ass trying to get back to being friends so soon after "breaking up" because what if there were some things that he needed to work through... but I wasnt sensitive enough to let him do that. Stupid, needy, regretful me.
I drank 2 bottles of wine to get rid of that week, he drank 3. Maybe now I'm reading too much into it, but am I the reason that he had to drink 3 bottles of wine? Did I really mean that much to him- was he really that fond of me?
And then somewhat unrelated: how the hell do I go back to being friends- I pretty much told him everything, am I allowed to still do that? How do I get him to start a conversation, I dont want to be the one to drag info out of him, thats not cool. I want to be friends again- hang out, see where life goes but not have any expectations, not of each other and not of myself. Because I suck at reacting the way that I expect myself to react. Way to be a failure, Jess.
And on that note, someone told me yesterday that I am an inspiring person? What the hell? How am I inspiring? But I guess the answer is that I believe that everyone should chase their dreams- especially young people such as myself. It doesnt matter if the dreams is big or little, totally out there or completely plausible, you should chase it to the best of your ability, so that you dont have any "what-ifs".
Then this afternoon I went walking, by myself. I dont like walking by myself anymore. I miss walking with my friend, my twinkie. Walking by myself is too quiet. But on the other hand I was able to do some reflecting and this is what I realized today: the week of September 23rd sucked. I lost my twinkie to France and then I pushed away G. It was just a bad week. But this is what I realized: unlike most of my life, I was unable to separate those two pieces of my life. Usually I can take every part of my life and separate it out into different boxes in my head, but because there was so much going on, my mental separation was not working. It sucked, and I panicked. Jessie needs to not be so panicky. Jessie just needed to take a deep breath and go more with the flow and less with the rash decisions.
Next time, if there is one, will be better.
Next time I'll focus.
Two different worlds right?
I dont know where I am, or where I am going anymore. I take it a day at a time but thats not what I want to do. I want to look forward to the future, I want to have goals dreams and happiness. But we arent there, not yet.
I am in a place I've never been before, what happens when you realize that 1. you really messed up and 2. you messed with someone else's emotions- unintentionally. Let me explain. So G and I talked for 3 months, then started hanging out which we kind of also called dating, then we kissed, I panicked, called the dating off, but realized that I didnt want him out of my life and we are building back to friends. Yea- most of that happened in the last 3 weeks (but who's counting?) Last weekend I was mad at him because he wouldnt talk to me even thought we had already said we were gonna go back to being friends. This weekend I am mad at myself because I feel like an ass trying to get back to being friends so soon after "breaking up" because what if there were some things that he needed to work through... but I wasnt sensitive enough to let him do that. Stupid, needy, regretful me.
I drank 2 bottles of wine to get rid of that week, he drank 3. Maybe now I'm reading too much into it, but am I the reason that he had to drink 3 bottles of wine? Did I really mean that much to him- was he really that fond of me?
And then somewhat unrelated: how the hell do I go back to being friends- I pretty much told him everything, am I allowed to still do that? How do I get him to start a conversation, I dont want to be the one to drag info out of him, thats not cool. I want to be friends again- hang out, see where life goes but not have any expectations, not of each other and not of myself. Because I suck at reacting the way that I expect myself to react. Way to be a failure, Jess.
And on that note, someone told me yesterday that I am an inspiring person? What the hell? How am I inspiring? But I guess the answer is that I believe that everyone should chase their dreams- especially young people such as myself. It doesnt matter if the dreams is big or little, totally out there or completely plausible, you should chase it to the best of your ability, so that you dont have any "what-ifs".
Then this afternoon I went walking, by myself. I dont like walking by myself anymore. I miss walking with my friend, my twinkie. Walking by myself is too quiet. But on the other hand I was able to do some reflecting and this is what I realized today: the week of September 23rd sucked. I lost my twinkie to France and then I pushed away G. It was just a bad week. But this is what I realized: unlike most of my life, I was unable to separate those two pieces of my life. Usually I can take every part of my life and separate it out into different boxes in my head, but because there was so much going on, my mental separation was not working. It sucked, and I panicked. Jessie needs to not be so panicky. Jessie just needed to take a deep breath and go more with the flow and less with the rash decisions.
Next time, if there is one, will be better.
Next time I'll focus.
Wednesday, October 03, 2012
My, what a difference a week makes...
Last Wednesday I basically killed a non-relationship-relationship. I say it that way because we were technically dating BUT we never made it FB official or anything. Anyway, so I kind of jumped the gun last week, panicked, you know, all that fun crazy white girl stuff.
And then, understandably, the "lets be friends" comment wasnt working and G wasnt really talking to me.
But yesterday we had a little conversation.
And today my world was righted because we talked for a couple of hours. I loved it, it was wonderful, amazing and made me so very happy. Like you dont even know.
Silly, yes.
Crazy? A little.
But its me.
And G, well, I am a little surprised that he is still willing to talk to me, but Im really happy about it at the same time.
My angst is over, arent you glad?!
My self-improvement, however, has just begun! :)
And then, understandably, the "lets be friends" comment wasnt working and G wasnt really talking to me.
But yesterday we had a little conversation.
And today my world was righted because we talked for a couple of hours. I loved it, it was wonderful, amazing and made me so very happy. Like you dont even know.
Silly, yes.
Crazy? A little.
But its me.
And G, well, I am a little surprised that he is still willing to talk to me, but Im really happy about it at the same time.
My angst is over, arent you glad?!
My self-improvement, however, has just begun! :)
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Seriously?
Ive spent the whole week being emotional. And then I spent the weekend being physically sick.
Not how I saw my week going when it started.
Nonetheless that is what happened.
I stayed in denial.
Then I did the whole sad depressed thing.
And no Im kind of moving on to anger.
I realize that I told G I didnt want to be dating, but damn it I did not mean that I wanted him out of my life.
And hes freakin ignoring me.
Really dude?
We spent 3 months building a friendship, less than 2 weeks of actual dating- we were never even facebook official and now you wont talk to me? What the hell?
Also, if you were really fond of me, you would want to still be in my life- be my friend, because I just needed to take a step back. I need you as my friend- really.
I would tell you all this, but I am TRYING to give you space. I know, I suck at giving you space, but Im stuck between giving you space and making sure that you know I still care.
I know its not easy to "go back to what we had" but I am hoping we can at least open a line of communication and talk again, see where/how that goes.
I hope you are still reading this blog.
And to everyone else having to read my angst... I am sorry. lol.
Not how I saw my week going when it started.
Nonetheless that is what happened.
I stayed in denial.
Then I did the whole sad depressed thing.
And no Im kind of moving on to anger.
I realize that I told G I didnt want to be dating, but damn it I did not mean that I wanted him out of my life.
And hes freakin ignoring me.
Really dude?
We spent 3 months building a friendship, less than 2 weeks of actual dating- we were never even facebook official and now you wont talk to me? What the hell?
Also, if you were really fond of me, you would want to still be in my life- be my friend, because I just needed to take a step back. I need you as my friend- really.
I would tell you all this, but I am TRYING to give you space. I know, I suck at giving you space, but Im stuck between giving you space and making sure that you know I still care.
I know its not easy to "go back to what we had" but I am hoping we can at least open a line of communication and talk again, see where/how that goes.
I hope you are still reading this blog.
And to everyone else having to read my angst... I am sorry. lol.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Ruined
I dont like having regrets but I would really like to go back to Wednesday and change what went down.
I reacted out of fear.
I realized it yesterday on my way to Lexington.
I have a fear of relationships- or rather kissing.
People kiss me and crap just goes downhill from there- its happened every time.
It sucks.
And I dont know if its MY reaction or the situations.
But I freak out.
I dont know if G will read this- not going to lie- I hope he does, because hes not answering me anymore. I get it. I dont deserve his answers. But I miss talking to him. In the last week I have lost 2 people who, between them I spent roughly 6 hours a day with.
Not feeling great, obviously.
I am emotionally and physically fucked up right now. Literally spilled my guts this morning. Not in a happy place.
I feel like I am wading my way through mud. The deep kind- mud up to my mid thighs.
UGH.
Goodnight.
I reacted out of fear.
I realized it yesterday on my way to Lexington.
I have a fear of relationships- or rather kissing.
People kiss me and crap just goes downhill from there- its happened every time.
It sucks.
And I dont know if its MY reaction or the situations.
But I freak out.
I dont know if G will read this- not going to lie- I hope he does, because hes not answering me anymore. I get it. I dont deserve his answers. But I miss talking to him. In the last week I have lost 2 people who, between them I spent roughly 6 hours a day with.
Not feeling great, obviously.
I am emotionally and physically fucked up right now. Literally spilled my guts this morning. Not in a happy place.
I feel like I am wading my way through mud. The deep kind- mud up to my mid thighs.
UGH.
Goodnight.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Fall days
Cooler weather colored leaves and all that jazz.
But big major life decision time for me. Time to go back to school. To totally change my life. Why you ask? Because I dont want to sit at a desk crunching numbers for the rest of my life. I want to change lives, I want to heal things and I want to be a vet.
Remember that guy I wrote about, the one I referred to as G? Ok, so I talked to him on facebook, imessage and texting for about 3 months and then finally thanks to reading this blog he decides that hanging out could be a good thing. We have 3 dates in 3 days. Then over the next week and a half another 2 dates. This guy in so many ways is perfect- you think I'm kidding but every piece of his personality is everything that I've ever wanted in a guy that I may be dating. Hes considerate, supportive, and yet gives me space. And yet last night I "broke up" with him, I use the quotes because we were never official about anything, it was some pretty casual dating. So I just talked about how perfect he was and then about how I broke up with him- I know, that doesnt seem right does it? So to answer your unasked question, I dont really know what went wrong. But it was definitely something in me. Let me try to explain. First guy that I've actually dated- if you read anything about J you know we never really dated- and within 2 weeks I "give up"? I think I had expectations and I didnt live up to them. HE DID. HE was perfect, HE was amazing, HE gave me space when I pulled away. I was the jerk. I was the idiot. And you might think, if Im beating myself up so much, why did I say "Adios"? Because at this moment in my life it didnt feel right- I didnt feel right. And while I feel like that happened was right, I still feel like a big ol' asshole. Worlds biggest jerk, right here. I know we didnt date that long but he treated me so well and then I went and caused him pain. Im a people PLEASER not a people PAIN CAUSER. Ugh. So G, if you are still reading this- you were awesome, amazing, sweet, funny, caring and I could go on and on, but that might not be the best idea. And since I've done everything so cliche up to this point, Ill continue on that path: I really do hope that we can still be friends and hang out and go to the movies and go bowling and all that jazz, because I dont want you out of my life, I just am not in a place to be dating right now. Ugh- that sounds so fake- but I promise its not!
In other news, my twinkie, my soulmate, my Sdot went to France on Tuesday, and I've been downright lost without her. Its crazy, Im literally sitting here crying because she sent me a message tonight and I havent gotten to really talk to her all that much since she left. I mean I know shes off doing something awesome and shes going to have a great adventure but I miss her SOO much. We literally saw each other very nearly every day for the last 3 months and now shes gone for 7 months.
I want to post this, but I'll write more about sdot being gone later- hopefully before the weekend is up.
Missing my friend, G too.
Sigh
But big major life decision time for me. Time to go back to school. To totally change my life. Why you ask? Because I dont want to sit at a desk crunching numbers for the rest of my life. I want to change lives, I want to heal things and I want to be a vet.
Remember that guy I wrote about, the one I referred to as G? Ok, so I talked to him on facebook, imessage and texting for about 3 months and then finally thanks to reading this blog he decides that hanging out could be a good thing. We have 3 dates in 3 days. Then over the next week and a half another 2 dates. This guy in so many ways is perfect- you think I'm kidding but every piece of his personality is everything that I've ever wanted in a guy that I may be dating. Hes considerate, supportive, and yet gives me space. And yet last night I "broke up" with him, I use the quotes because we were never official about anything, it was some pretty casual dating. So I just talked about how perfect he was and then about how I broke up with him- I know, that doesnt seem right does it? So to answer your unasked question, I dont really know what went wrong. But it was definitely something in me. Let me try to explain. First guy that I've actually dated- if you read anything about J you know we never really dated- and within 2 weeks I "give up"? I think I had expectations and I didnt live up to them. HE DID. HE was perfect, HE was amazing, HE gave me space when I pulled away. I was the jerk. I was the idiot. And you might think, if Im beating myself up so much, why did I say "Adios"? Because at this moment in my life it didnt feel right- I didnt feel right. And while I feel like that happened was right, I still feel like a big ol' asshole. Worlds biggest jerk, right here. I know we didnt date that long but he treated me so well and then I went and caused him pain. Im a people PLEASER not a people PAIN CAUSER. Ugh. So G, if you are still reading this- you were awesome, amazing, sweet, funny, caring and I could go on and on, but that might not be the best idea. And since I've done everything so cliche up to this point, Ill continue on that path: I really do hope that we can still be friends and hang out and go to the movies and go bowling and all that jazz, because I dont want you out of my life, I just am not in a place to be dating right now. Ugh- that sounds so fake- but I promise its not!
In other news, my twinkie, my soulmate, my Sdot went to France on Tuesday, and I've been downright lost without her. Its crazy, Im literally sitting here crying because she sent me a message tonight and I havent gotten to really talk to her all that much since she left. I mean I know shes off doing something awesome and shes going to have a great adventure but I miss her SOO much. We literally saw each other very nearly every day for the last 3 months and now shes gone for 7 months.
I want to post this, but I'll write more about sdot being gone later- hopefully before the weekend is up.
Missing my friend, G too.
Sigh
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Another year in the books.
So, if you are a new reader, or an old one, you will notice that every year I post something on the anniversary of my grandmas death. Weird, maybe, but it is a day that I consciously reflect on the past year and write about it. See, its not near a holiday so there isnt any pressure. Its my day to think about the things that I deem important and theres something liberating about that.
Today seems somewhat different. Maybe its because its the 5 year anniversary of her death? Or maybe Im just getting older and the day is less of a knife wound and more of a bruise. That being said, I miss my grandma very much, she was an amazing woman. Every year I think about how I am living out her legacy, and whether or not she would be proud of me. A "what did I do this year that makes me worthy of praise" kind of reflection.
Ok, so I know that living ones life so that some dead person will be proud of them is just weird and sometimes counter productive. But I dont live just so she will be proud of me, I live a life that I hope she would enjoy, I want to live a life where I could tell my grandma every detail- ok, so that might be odd, but I guess the bottom line is that I want a life that isnt scandalous. Hah.
This year's anniversary is particularly hard but I think that she would enjoy my story, my journey, and for that, I look forward to what the next year holds.
Today seems somewhat different. Maybe its because its the 5 year anniversary of her death? Or maybe Im just getting older and the day is less of a knife wound and more of a bruise. That being said, I miss my grandma very much, she was an amazing woman. Every year I think about how I am living out her legacy, and whether or not she would be proud of me. A "what did I do this year that makes me worthy of praise" kind of reflection.
Ok, so I know that living ones life so that some dead person will be proud of them is just weird and sometimes counter productive. But I dont live just so she will be proud of me, I live a life that I hope she would enjoy, I want to live a life where I could tell my grandma every detail- ok, so that might be odd, but I guess the bottom line is that I want a life that isnt scandalous. Hah.
This year's anniversary is particularly hard but I think that she would enjoy my story, my journey, and for that, I look forward to what the next year holds.
Sunday, September 09, 2012
Ways of Change, Change of Ways
High school - yep, high school- it was tolerable for me, nothing special. I played soccer, or started the season playing soccer my freshman year- that didnt last, but sophomore year I did play the whole season. I went to football games and basketball games. I made good grades, but I was always just ready to leave, move on. My popularity wasnt going to peak in high school, and I knew it.
I left high school figuring that I wouldnt ever really look back... and yet, Im looking back. There are things that I didnt really pay attention to that I am kind of seeing in a new light. No, I'm not going back and reliving the whole experience, but I am getting glances into moments that just make me pause for a moment.
Obviously, I've been talking to someone I knew in high school- albeit I didnt know them that well, but it has been so much fun. Sleep has become something that I push back... midnight on work nights, and even later on weekends- why sleep when I can be laughing my butt off at something ridiculous?!
And to add to the blast from the past there is a person - s dot- who I've known for something like 15 years- wow, I dont think I realized I had known her that long but just the past couple of months we've become really close. Its funny really how our friendship evolved. We met in girl scouts, and really didnt have much to do with one another other than the fact that our parents were co-leaders. Then scouts was over and eh, we just werent really friends. Later, she was looking at colleges and came to visit me at Transy and we got along pretty well. She didnt go to Transy, but we saw each other a couple of times over the years and then we made plans like movies. But this summer, and I cant even remember when - crazy, right?!- but we decided to workout together and we've talked every day and seen each other almost every day. Its kind of really nice to have a good friend that is close and who I can see almost every day. And we really are working out- exercising, ya know? Zumba, and walking. I love it, who woulda thought.
There was a song that we sang in girl scouts "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." Its cheesy, sure, but I am learning just how important it is to have the older friends in one's life. Maybe you share a lot of experiences with them and they will know about the infamous Timmy, or maybe you didnt know them that well before, but you are getting to know them better now. Its all a great journey. But then there are the people in my life from Transy- the "new" people, and they are just as important. They are witness to my Transy experience in a way that no one else will be.
At the end of the day its not about who I was, but who I am. Every little moment has shaped me, some more than others but each moment is like a cell and when they all come together you have me, this person. There are flaws- or mutations, if you will. But because of them I am uniquely me- something that no one else can be and for that, I am blessed.
I hope that you all feel just as blessed, grateful, amazing and unique!
I left high school figuring that I wouldnt ever really look back... and yet, Im looking back. There are things that I didnt really pay attention to that I am kind of seeing in a new light. No, I'm not going back and reliving the whole experience, but I am getting glances into moments that just make me pause for a moment.
Obviously, I've been talking to someone I knew in high school- albeit I didnt know them that well, but it has been so much fun. Sleep has become something that I push back... midnight on work nights, and even later on weekends- why sleep when I can be laughing my butt off at something ridiculous?!
And to add to the blast from the past there is a person - s dot- who I've known for something like 15 years- wow, I dont think I realized I had known her that long but just the past couple of months we've become really close. Its funny really how our friendship evolved. We met in girl scouts, and really didnt have much to do with one another other than the fact that our parents were co-leaders. Then scouts was over and eh, we just werent really friends. Later, she was looking at colleges and came to visit me at Transy and we got along pretty well. She didnt go to Transy, but we saw each other a couple of times over the years and then we made plans like movies. But this summer, and I cant even remember when - crazy, right?!- but we decided to workout together and we've talked every day and seen each other almost every day. Its kind of really nice to have a good friend that is close and who I can see almost every day. And we really are working out- exercising, ya know? Zumba, and walking. I love it, who woulda thought.
There was a song that we sang in girl scouts "Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." Its cheesy, sure, but I am learning just how important it is to have the older friends in one's life. Maybe you share a lot of experiences with them and they will know about the infamous Timmy, or maybe you didnt know them that well before, but you are getting to know them better now. Its all a great journey. But then there are the people in my life from Transy- the "new" people, and they are just as important. They are witness to my Transy experience in a way that no one else will be.
At the end of the day its not about who I was, but who I am. Every little moment has shaped me, some more than others but each moment is like a cell and when they all come together you have me, this person. There are flaws- or mutations, if you will. But because of them I am uniquely me- something that no one else can be and for that, I am blessed.
I hope that you all feel just as blessed, grateful, amazing and unique!
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Just had to share
Got to talk to "my guy".
And while it was exciting and what I had been waiting for ALL day, what made it better was that we had a conversation about my night guard. I mean seriously? He thought it was "very cool", seriously?
I mean he gets lots of kudo points for that comment, but to be that interested in my night guard?
I dont get it.
I mean Im flattered.
And I think its hilarious.
Partially because I've never had to describe my night guard before.
And while it was exciting and what I had been waiting for ALL day, what made it better was that we had a conversation about my night guard. I mean seriously? He thought it was "very cool", seriously?
I mean he gets lots of kudo points for that comment, but to be that interested in my night guard?
I dont get it.
I mean Im flattered.
And I think its hilarious.
Partially because I've never had to describe my night guard before.
Monday, August 20, 2012
Waiting room
Tomorrow, I mean later today, my mom has knee surgery. Its the same knee surgery that my dad had last year and my grandma had before that... an no I dont THINK its genetic, but if it is, then I am up a creek with no paddle.
Anyway, tomorrow is another trip to the hospital. Another time to wait. To watch the morning news shows and to be the stability for the parent who ISNT under the knife.
Thats what I pride myself in being- my parents' rock. Whenever we have to go to the hospital for whatever reason- a heart issue, a knee surgery, a uterine surgery, the birth of children, grandma has fallen, I do my best to be the rock. Thats not saying that I dont need support from others, because honestly sometimes it would be really nice, however, my role in this family is to make sure everyone keeps it together- and that might be a self-appointed role.
There is one exception to that rule- when no one is around. If I am the only person at the hospital waiting for the news, then, then I fall completely apart.
Hospitals dont scare me, they dont make me nervous, they just dont have any negative effect on me at all.
To me a hospital is just another building.
I dont know why I'm so comfortable in a hospital- we didnt become familiar until I was 11. But my dad had his heart attack when I was eleven and over the last 12 years he's been in and out, at first it was heart attack scares, then it was the SVT, but dads last hospital trip was his knee surgery last year. Mom has been healthier, shes only had the uterine surgery May 2010 and then the knee surgery tomorrow. My dad's mom was in the hospital a few times in the year leading up to her death. As for me, I've never been in the hospital- maybe thats why we get along so well.
Anyway, moral of the story is that tomorrow is another hospital adventure.
Side note: Talked to a certain special person tonight, and I will be going to bed a happy person. :)
Anyway, tomorrow is another trip to the hospital. Another time to wait. To watch the morning news shows and to be the stability for the parent who ISNT under the knife.
Thats what I pride myself in being- my parents' rock. Whenever we have to go to the hospital for whatever reason- a heart issue, a knee surgery, a uterine surgery, the birth of children, grandma has fallen, I do my best to be the rock. Thats not saying that I dont need support from others, because honestly sometimes it would be really nice, however, my role in this family is to make sure everyone keeps it together- and that might be a self-appointed role.
There is one exception to that rule- when no one is around. If I am the only person at the hospital waiting for the news, then, then I fall completely apart.
Hospitals dont scare me, they dont make me nervous, they just dont have any negative effect on me at all.
To me a hospital is just another building.
I dont know why I'm so comfortable in a hospital- we didnt become familiar until I was 11. But my dad had his heart attack when I was eleven and over the last 12 years he's been in and out, at first it was heart attack scares, then it was the SVT, but dads last hospital trip was his knee surgery last year. Mom has been healthier, shes only had the uterine surgery May 2010 and then the knee surgery tomorrow. My dad's mom was in the hospital a few times in the year leading up to her death. As for me, I've never been in the hospital- maybe thats why we get along so well.
Anyway, moral of the story is that tomorrow is another hospital adventure.
Side note: Talked to a certain special person tonight, and I will be going to bed a happy person. :)
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
It's bedtime, but I dont wanna go to bed!
Theres a person in my life. I dont know if I mentioned him earlier in the summer or not, but basically we went to high school together and we've reconnected thanks to my sister in law posting a picture of me that also tagged his brother in law's brother.
Anyway long story short, we've been talking- a lot.
In fact Saturday night I stayed up talking to him til 5:30 in the morning. It was crazy, but it was so much fun. I cant stop smiling- seriously, its kind of obnoxious.
I know I am probably getting ahead of myself here, but I keep thinking of the guys in my life who meant something to me- you know, guys who had the potential of being more than just a friend. And the bottom line is that none, not a single one of those guys communicated with me as well as this one does. I send him a message and he answers seemingly as soon as he gets it. He apologizes for having to 'brb' when we are talking on fb- the brb though is so that he can go do his work. I mean, you dont have to apologize to do your work when you are at work and talking to me... although its very sweet. If we are talking on the iPads and he loses internet connection, he gets on fb to tell me that he lost connection on his iPad. And Friday night we watched a movie together- I watched it via Showtime on my tv and he netflix-ed it and synched up with me so that we could watch it together, I mean seriously? He didnt have to do that.
Now, I only have one problem. We've been chatting on fb and the iPads since mid June. I'm ready to see him, hang out with him. But its hard because he works 3rd shift and I work first. He works every other weekend and I dont work any weekends. And apparently he's super popular and has all kinds of plans on his off weekends so far. *sigh*. But I am not giving up! Also, kind of an interesting fact: we've not exchanged phone numbers. I mean technically we both have our numbers accessible by the other person but we've not actually exchanged numbers- which I find kind of cool, and kind of weird at the same time. I mean really, we are having this great friendship on fb but we dont text or anything?
And the only downside to our talking more and more, and really its only been since we talked until 5:30 am Sunday morning. But now I want to talk to him all the time! ALL THE TIME! Im trying to keep my cool, but its so, so very hard. I'll try to keep you updated.
Oh, in other news, my friend that I visited in DC in May called me Monday. A phone call, after pretty much no contact since I visited him! Hes starts basic training with the Army next Tuesday. I'm happy for him, a little annoyed at his communication skills, but happy for him and thankful that he called me to tell me the update- that counts for something right?
(Its not NEARLY as good as responding to me asap, even if its just a quick note because hes using his phone to get on fb)
I guess I shouldnt complain too much, and just take what I can get! lol :)
Goodnight friends.
Here's to hoping for more late nights! :)
Anyway long story short, we've been talking- a lot.
In fact Saturday night I stayed up talking to him til 5:30 in the morning. It was crazy, but it was so much fun. I cant stop smiling- seriously, its kind of obnoxious.
I know I am probably getting ahead of myself here, but I keep thinking of the guys in my life who meant something to me- you know, guys who had the potential of being more than just a friend. And the bottom line is that none, not a single one of those guys communicated with me as well as this one does. I send him a message and he answers seemingly as soon as he gets it. He apologizes for having to 'brb' when we are talking on fb- the brb though is so that he can go do his work. I mean, you dont have to apologize to do your work when you are at work and talking to me... although its very sweet. If we are talking on the iPads and he loses internet connection, he gets on fb to tell me that he lost connection on his iPad. And Friday night we watched a movie together- I watched it via Showtime on my tv and he netflix-ed it and synched up with me so that we could watch it together, I mean seriously? He didnt have to do that.
Now, I only have one problem. We've been chatting on fb and the iPads since mid June. I'm ready to see him, hang out with him. But its hard because he works 3rd shift and I work first. He works every other weekend and I dont work any weekends. And apparently he's super popular and has all kinds of plans on his off weekends so far. *sigh*. But I am not giving up! Also, kind of an interesting fact: we've not exchanged phone numbers. I mean technically we both have our numbers accessible by the other person but we've not actually exchanged numbers- which I find kind of cool, and kind of weird at the same time. I mean really, we are having this great friendship on fb but we dont text or anything?
And the only downside to our talking more and more, and really its only been since we talked until 5:30 am Sunday morning. But now I want to talk to him all the time! ALL THE TIME! Im trying to keep my cool, but its so, so very hard. I'll try to keep you updated.
Oh, in other news, my friend that I visited in DC in May called me Monday. A phone call, after pretty much no contact since I visited him! Hes starts basic training with the Army next Tuesday. I'm happy for him, a little annoyed at his communication skills, but happy for him and thankful that he called me to tell me the update- that counts for something right?
(Its not NEARLY as good as responding to me asap, even if its just a quick note because hes using his phone to get on fb)
I guess I shouldnt complain too much, and just take what I can get! lol :)
Goodnight friends.
Here's to hoping for more late nights! :)
Sunday, July 22, 2012
User manual.
I spent some time with a friend today, just talking. She's someone I've known for years and while we werent close as kids we've gotten closer as we've gotten older.
Today we were talking guys. We both have problems. I have limited experience but she doesnt have any experience and so we lament together.
Today, my (new) guy was the subject. I've consciously not tried to talk to him since Wednesday because I was hoping he would send something to me, but on the other hand I dont want to leave him hanging and feeling like I dont want to talk to him. But then again I want him to want to talk to be because I freakin wanna talk to him! Ugh.
So what do I do?
I ask all my friends. But they all think I'm cute and sort of write me off. But there's no right answer, right? We are all different and we all have different experiences. We can look at someone's experiences and learn from them but that doesnt mean we will have similar experiences!
So then I ask myself what I want to do. I WANT to talk to him. But I want him to ask me for my number- apparently Im a little old fashioned. I want to hang out with him and see if we have any face-to-face chemistry. There are a lot of things that I want. But I told myself I wouldnt harass him over the weekend and if he wanted to talk to me he could, so I wont do anything til tomorrow, and hopefully tomorrow I will get to talk to him. And there are so many things I want to talk to him about that I dont know if he will get any work done! haha.
And thats the other thing, I know when hes at work and will talk to me but what about when hes not at work- does he ever think about talking to me? I know, I know, Im over thinking it, but thats who I am. :)
So now, 2 quotes that I have running on a loop in my head are:
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.
Therefore, Im working on saying what I feel and finding my mutual weird person! :)
Today we were talking guys. We both have problems. I have limited experience but she doesnt have any experience and so we lament together.
Today, my (new) guy was the subject. I've consciously not tried to talk to him since Wednesday because I was hoping he would send something to me, but on the other hand I dont want to leave him hanging and feeling like I dont want to talk to him. But then again I want him to want to talk to be because I freakin wanna talk to him! Ugh.
So what do I do?
I ask all my friends. But they all think I'm cute and sort of write me off. But there's no right answer, right? We are all different and we all have different experiences. We can look at someone's experiences and learn from them but that doesnt mean we will have similar experiences!
So then I ask myself what I want to do. I WANT to talk to him. But I want him to ask me for my number- apparently Im a little old fashioned. I want to hang out with him and see if we have any face-to-face chemistry. There are a lot of things that I want. But I told myself I wouldnt harass him over the weekend and if he wanted to talk to me he could, so I wont do anything til tomorrow, and hopefully tomorrow I will get to talk to him. And there are so many things I want to talk to him about that I dont know if he will get any work done! haha.
And thats the other thing, I know when hes at work and will talk to me but what about when hes not at work- does he ever think about talking to me? I know, I know, Im over thinking it, but thats who I am. :)
So now, 2 quotes that I have running on a loop in my head are:
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind
We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.
Therefore, Im working on saying what I feel and finding my mutual weird person! :)
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Gee, I wonder what will happen next...
So, I think last time I wrote I mentioned G.
Well, G and I have been talking more and more.
He surprises me every time we talk, and is almost always teaching me something new.
I havent laid eyes on this guy in 6 years.
But he makes me laugh.
Yep, I have a crush.
And we will tentatively be hanging out in August.
Thats right, folks, I asked him to partake in a social activity with me. Aren't you proud?
Whats better is that he said yes.
Ive not been able to stop smiling for 2 whole days.
Also, here is one of my pieces of our conversations:
Me: How do you feel about bowling?
Him: Its racist and homophobic.
I about died from laughter when I read that.
I hope laugh at that, because if you dont, I think you might have problems. :)
Anyway, that's all I've got tonight.
Happy dreams, ya'll.
Well, G and I have been talking more and more.
He surprises me every time we talk, and is almost always teaching me something new.
I havent laid eyes on this guy in 6 years.
But he makes me laugh.
Yep, I have a crush.
And we will tentatively be hanging out in August.
Thats right, folks, I asked him to partake in a social activity with me. Aren't you proud?
Whats better is that he said yes.
Ive not been able to stop smiling for 2 whole days.
Also, here is one of my pieces of our conversations:
Me: How do you feel about bowling?
Him: Its racist and homophobic.
I about died from laughter when I read that.
I hope laugh at that, because if you dont, I think you might have problems. :)
Anyway, that's all I've got tonight.
Happy dreams, ya'll.
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
Something Different
Its not really old school, but its definitely something I dont think I've done before.
I told you about talking to G, but heres the thing, we only talk on fb. I dont have his cell phone number- so no phone calls, and no texting. We've emailed a couple of things- which seems super old school, hah. And we havent seen each other in years.
And yet the conversations that we have arent special, they are really just 2 friends catching up and chatting, and yet they make me laugh and laugh. I love laughing.
On the one hand I want to talk to him daily- all the freakin time, text him, talk to him on the phone- and im not a phone person, or even get to see him and spend time with him. But then, on the other hand I love our current conversations, talking to him now and then, sort of randomly.
Its better than the nothing that I am getting from the other one.
And until just this very minute I hadnt thought about J since I started talking to G.
Its funny how much life can change in a year.
This year has been full of good changes and I look forward to whats next, hoping that its just as exciting.
Hey, theres the potential that in the next year I will have moved out or, shock, maybe be in a real relationship. Ok, ok, so I am getting a little ahead of myself, but the world is full of possibilities, y'all! You never know who you are gonna meet, or reconnect with!
Enjoy your day, because tomorrow its a different day, and there will be different reasons to be happy.
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