There's more to me than you

Jessica Andrews

Yesterday he talked to me, he talks to me almost once a week to once ever 10 days or so. Usually he starts with something about him like "I might be getting a new truck" or, in the case of last night "you know you love my new pictures." But to be honest when I saw that he uploaded pictures I made a hard, but conscious decision that I would hide all of his stuff from my news feed, so no I actually hadnt seen these pictures. And because I am not a bitchy person I didnt ignore him, but said nope I havent actually seen those pictures. So he told be about what they were and such, and I reacted slightly bitchy, sure, I guess part of it was because I felt like crap but more than anything I reacted in a bitchy way because I am so tired of only talking to him when HE feels like it, thats no way to live a life.
So after I got off, again, in a slightly bitchy way, and went to bed I spent the next 2 hours, yes 2 hours writing messages to him.
First I thought I would put the "I remember" on facebook, and tag him. But I am not THAT bitchy.
Then I thought I would just send it to him in a message.
And then I wanted to just say look, I am sorry I was short and terse with you tonight, but it would be nice if you sometimes just said "hey, hows it going?" Instead of starting a conversation with something about yourself.
I wanted to tell him that the reason behind my actions was because I realized that I deserved better, honestly, I HAVE been treated better in the weeks since he and I stopped really talking.
I wanted to tell him that I miss him, that I thought he and I had something real, but I have since seen two very different sides of him.
But I didnt say any of that.
I didnt say anything period.
I woke up and opened my facebook and he had written in the facebook chat that I wasnt me when I was sick. So he noticed. But he thinks its because I am sick that I act this way. He doesnt know that I'm just trying my hardest and that I am struggling to move on.
Part of me thinks that if I just spell it out for him he will understand. But most of me says that even if I spell it out for him he doesnt really care, so why bother?
Ah, the life we live is surrounded by the lives others live and you know, when lives come together and are so close that they are weaved together, thats great, but sometimes if the weave isn't perfect it makes for a hole, or a messy knot. And it is up to us to remember that those holes, those knots make for character in the tapestry of life, and we cant, and we shouldnt go back and fix it, because who wants something that is always perfect?
Here's to a messy tapestry of life, and learning how to keep those holes and knots from defining you but at the same time letting them show that your character has grown because of them.
I hope that makes some sort of sense! :)

Something to think about

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Sometimes a life is taken away before it is fully lived. Thus, heres to living the life that we have, while we still have it.

I went to school with 2 of the 3 guys in this article.

All the Single Ladies

(Beyonce)- Its just what is stuck in my head at the moment!

There's this thing called life, and it has good days and bad days. Day where you want to cry and days where everything is perfect, and sometimes those days happen consecutively.
The point is there IS a tomorrow. Though that tomorrow isnt what you should life BY, its what you should live for. IN other words- dont waste your days waiting for that better tomorrow, live the stressful days, the ones where you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Because its those hard days that help us deal with other hard days. Its the knowledge that the bad days will at some point take a break and we will have a good day.
And it doesnt have to be a completely wonderful day, in order for you to be happy. You can even have moments of happiness on a bad day.

So heres to pushing through the tough parts, living them, but believing that something better will happen at some point!

Cry me a river

By Justin Timberlake (yup, haha)

So after a summer saying that it would be really nice to have a guy who would just tell me if he was busy and couldnt talk, I got just that.
Let me explain.
There were times when James wouldnt talk to me, and he said that he was busy and not ignoring me but I never knew when those times would be- so how was I supposed to know not to talk to him? All it would have taken was a text saying "hey, sorry I cant talk right now" and I would have been fine, I would have not worried, I would have not texted, things would have been wonderful. However, he never gave me such a response.

Good riddance to him.

Moving on. I have this friend, someone who is turning into a great friend. OK so today I texted said friend with a "hey amigo" and then later I got "hey sorry im workin today cant really talk" and I smiled, and danced and told anyone who would listen to me because FINALLY someone got it.

Now, it isnt likely that this person and I will turn into anything more than just friends, but I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have someone get it.
This person, yes its Matt, has been a cheerleader for me lately, being an ear if I need to vent and just plain one of the best friends a girl could ask for! :)

Here's to having someone there to help you realize that what you want isnt nuts. To having someone who understands, even if it is a subconscious act on their part!

All things, my friends, come to an end, the good and bad, the happy and sad, and the trials and tribulations, so smile, put on your brave face and sooner or later your brave face will morph into your happy face without you having to arrange it that way! :)

Dreaming

It might not be the best situation, but I have met the man of my dreams. Literally, I dreamt about him just last night. But in actual reality I've known him for I guess about a year and a half or just a little bit more.

It started when I watched him play, I've said it before and I will say it again- I have never seen someone play with such passion, and that is what drew me in.
I cant seem to get him out of my head, and almost everytime I think of him he appears. whether he walks into the caf, or appears online on facebooke or whatever, he just randomly shows up.
My only problem? I seem to be tongue-tied everytime I see him. It sucks. What I wouldnt give to have a conversation with him.
I think he knows that I exist, but I want more than that!

I would tell you his name, but I know that at least one random person at Transy has read this blog before and I wouldnt want to give TOO much away! :)

I wish for basketball season to be here, not just because I love the game, but it would mean being able to watch him play once again, and talking with his grandparents, who I adore!

So today heres to wishing that dreams came true, and the slim chance that anything could happen!

I remember

I remember the party, and seeing something in your eyes that I had never seen before
I remember the night I ran back to the room, the night that my grandma's boyfriend had died, and I was depressed, you made me laugh, even when the very next emotion was sadness with tears.
I remember going to walmart in the middle of the night and playing "never have i ever"
I remember not getting properly scared.
I remember that my dad liked you and trusted you, which made me think somehow this was different
I remember making lots of plans that never got carried through
I remember you talking to my sister-in-law and telling her why you were scared of "us"
I remember my brother saying that guys are just weird sometimes and thinking it wasnt a big deal.
I remember not wanting to be needy, and really trying hard to not care so much.
I remember laughing and hugging
I remember my innocence and how important it turned out to be.
I remember everyone saying that we were good for each other- actually they still do.
I remember needing a break, and you telling me that it wouldnt be the last time that we would talk.
I remember smiling because I never cried for you or over you, and to me that was a big deal.
I remember your plans for moving to Tennessee and how big of a deal that was.
I remember you asking me to trust you, because you hadnt left me.
I remember meeting you 6 months ago today.
I remember you.
One thing that I dont remember... you staying, like you said you would.

Heres to finding the will and the way to move on. Damnit! :)

Emotionally Desperate

I was talking to a friend last night and trying to work through some things and I said something to the effect of that I am emotionally desperate, and she agreed. So I asked her to elaborate, and this is what she said:

well.... first there was dylan, and all the emotional trauma that came w/ that, and then there was james, and E V E R Y T H I N G that went/is going with that... and you're struggling with your brothers and your parents, and your job and the car..... you have a lot on your mind. Having a boy you can entrust your thoughts and feelings into is a big deal. Girlfriends can only do so much, can only go to a certain level.

And you know, she is exactly right. This is something that I havent been able to articulate, but because she has heard all of it she did.

So whats next for me?
Good question, I dont think that anything will change, persay.
No, I will just dig down a little deeper and work on being just me.
I sometimes feel very needy and I dont want to be so needy, so working on independence, so to speak will be good.
Another thing that I need to do is to remove the idea that I am creepy, because really, as I've been told I'm NOT creepy. I feel like I come off as the "creepy girl that sits in the middle at every game and takes stats" but friends and family say that the guys probably dont really care all that much, and if anything they like having a dedicated fan.
So yea, I may not hang out with the basketball players, or the baseball players or the soccer players, so maybe I'm just a silent fan, ok I'm not that silent, but still. A fan that shows up for the games and doesnt expect to hang out afterwards. Is that a good thing or no? I dont know, but it is just a part of who I am, so maybe, it doesnt really matter.

Today, heres to the Big Blue (UK is playing UL in football) and embracing who I am, without thinking of myself as creepy!

It amazes me

Less than 2 years ago, I laid eyes on him at a basketball game, and when I see him I still get butterflies.
If we make eye contact my heart alternates between skipping a beat and beating right out of my chest.
I've never really had much of a conversation with him.
And yet, he still has this effect on me... I dont understand.
But thats life.

Two years later.

It has now been two years since my grandma passed away.
Last year I wrote that I was living so that she would be proud of me, and I still stand by that statement. I remember last year on the anniversary of her death it was a pretty rainy nasty day, and instead of being annoyed by the rain, I celebrated it, I remember smiling and dancing in the rain, and I DONT do that often!
So today was a beautiful day, and my grandma was on my mind the whole day. I started the day by walking to the farmers market and buying local produce, and then I talked to some friends and then I went to the park and sat outside while doing homework, just enjoying the day. After that I bought some books to read for fun and went to Panera for some sweet tea. At Panera I ran into an old friend and so I chatted with her for a while. By this time it was dinner time. After dinner we went played buzzword and goofed around, and now, as I sit back, I think of today as the perfect day. I got some work done and I got to just enjoy the day. Nothing could have made it a better day.
Todays motto was to LIVE life, to enjoy the world around me. I know that I want to live life with no abandon and if I am scarred by hurt or anger, life isnt going to be good. So dont dwell on the bad things, look forward to each new day, each new beginning. And go out with a bang. Live a life that people will want to CELEBRATE once you are gone and not mourn. Because if they mourn too much for you, then they cant live their lives, and thats not a good situation.

So Grandma, once again this day is dedicated to you. I remembered you, as I always do, and I think you would still be proud of me. I love you and I miss you, but I am still alive and so heres to living MY life! :)

Sharing some analogies

The first one. A friend asked me what it was like to be in a plane. And this is what I said:
Being in a plane is like being in a rollercoaster and driving a car at the same time. It is noisy but you can see the world around you. And then theres the turbulance, it will make your stomach drop and take your breath away. But that is my favorite part, the turbulance. That, and the clouds. When you are in a plane its like the clouds are the ground and you are floating on an invisible ocean on top or in between the layers. I always want to reach my hands out and grab some of the cloud. Just because its right there. I always day dream of laying on a cloud and watching as the world goes by. Being in a plane for me is the most natural, most soothing thing in the world. It is where I am at my most peaceful.

As for the second analogy.
Life is like a song. Not necessarily a song with lyrics but the instrumental part of a song.
For a song, it needs all the elements of music before it sounds right, before it can come together. Life needs lots of key elements too.
But once the elements are together there is a great song, just as every life has a story.
So the song will start out with something simple, maybe one instrument, but then it gets more complicated which is what reflects the hard parts of life, and in between the addition of the instruments and the changing of the tempo you get a feel for how a life story is going to flow, there are some things that are predictable but just when you get comfortable the music changes again, maybe there is another instrument added, maybe one is gone, but nonetheless instruments, like people throughout our lives, will come and go. And then something will happen, it doesnt have to be loud, or big, but something will happen, and the song will come to a close, and right before the song ends, it becomes less complicated- its like a death, whether peaceful, with loved ones, or with the resounding crash of a disaster.

So heres to the love of flying, and finding your own life's song!

A Glutton for Punishment

Sitting here, minding my business on my computer and he says something to me on facebook chat. Longshanks. Who on Sunday didnt know who I was because he had gotten a new phone and didnt transfer my number over, or whatever. But he talked to me. I'd like to think that we are friends. Maybe? Possibly? Could it be? I hope so. But does that make me a sucker. I mean yes, I responded to him, because I'm not rude. Only once have I not responded to something that he said, I'm just not a petty person, I cant help it, I dont like ignoring people. But maybe hes just stringing me on, I really shouldnt get my hopes up. I'll just end up disappointed. Its happened everytime before, so why not now? I really can convince myself that this time its different, but it doesnt matter if I think its different, what matters is if it really IS different, and THAT is unlikely.
So heres to trying to detach my emotions from this boy. If he wants to stay in contact, I can try that. It will only be a lesson for next time, one way or another!

Its amazing, being written out of someones life

Sometimes it hurts, sometimes its a good thing, and then there are times that it just plain takes you by surprise. And sometimes, being deleted out of someones life is good and sad all at the same time. ,
Why do we set ourselves up to be let down over and over again? Seriously do we NOT learn our lesson the first time or do we just really hope that the person has changed THAT much?

To do something I talked about previously...
Longshanks: This is for you. Thank you for being a friend when I needed one so bad. Thank you for being the support, and thank you for courting me, so to speak. Maybe it wasnt our time, and for a long time I really did just think that it was bad timing, But then again maybe its just the way life is supposed to be, you my friend are very suave with the words, but really suck at following through. Yes, I should be over you, over this, but you did mean a lot to me, and I am not over you, or over this. I will work harder, and maybe it will get better. Hopefully it will get better. Happy life to you, I will always care, but I dont have to keep setting myself up for failure. So good life to you!

Here's to good friends, good booze and the hope that I WILL find someone, someday who might actually treat me well. (yes I got that from white horse by Taylor Swift.)

Things People Say.

Lady Antebellum.

I want to write letters to some of the people in my life, almost like those Senior wills that we have in high school, but I just dont know where to start. I am really good at coming up with what I want to say as I am drifting off to bed, and no, I dont sleep with a computer right by my head so as to quickly jot those thoughts down, however I have installed some paper and a pen near my bed so that I can try that.
People I would write letters to:
Long Shanks- a letter of thanks more than anything else.
Boots- this letter would have all kinds of information
TPB- another letter of thanks
ok, so those are the main people, there was someone else, but I have forgotten.

In other news.

I made a connection, or rather a reconnection. The one and only boy that I have actually dated, and called my boyfriend is back in my life. And he is almost exactly how I remember him. Theres s much that is different though, but yet it is all still the same. He always was real with me, and he is still. He always liked contact, and that hasnt changed either, not only do we text a lot but also we have a running facebook conversation going on and it is fun. Its been a long time since I have had a guy friend from high school, who knows some of my history, and reconnected with them in this next chapter of my life. Its weird but at the same time wonderful.
He makes me smile and hes really a nice guy. I am glad that he doesnt remember that I treated him badly because I seriously thought that I broke this guys heart and that I treated him horribly. He asked me the other day details about our relationship- really just how long we dated and why we broke up. But I dont know many guys that would ask those questions and REALLY listen to the answers. He did.
I am such a detail person I shared more than he asked for and his response was that some people just remember details better. He didnt that it was creepy. It is reassurance from him as well as the others in my life that I am realizing maybe I'm not quite as creepy as I see myself as. I just hope that I DONT cross that line! lol.

And then theres going through emotions. haha. I think about reactions, some that just happen, whether its anger or sadness or what but geez I feel like I am an emotional roller coaster, and it isnt really necessary! So heres to becoming more even keel in the emotions department! HAHA. We will see how that goes. And sometimes I feel as if I am complaining TOO much about what I am going through, and I feel bad, but at the same time, I am an open book and I dont hide much. But I need to work on not complaining soo much! (But then again, maybe its one of those perception things too)

You know, in life there are people out there who dont always do what they say they are gonna do, I am not one of those people, and then I feel bad when I cant deliver what people ask of me. But I have to learn not to be used, to stand up for myself, while still helping those around me.

So heres to the people who have helped me, the people who have taught me lessons, not being so emotional and always doing what one says.

What do you do when the world starts to slip away?

First, I found out Sunday that a classmate of mine from high school was killed in a car wreck. He wasnt driving but his cousin was, and well its thought that they had probably been drinking. This guy, though I probably didnt ever really exchange words with him was the popular, jock that the whole school adored. So when you are roughly 1500 miles away and you find something like this out, it wrenches your heart. I know almost exactly what they are feeling, and as one person said, this is gonna be a sad high school reunion that has happened all too soon. Therefore, though I cannot be there and I might seem aloof, my heart aches for the Smith family and all of my friends that are having to go through this.

Second, I have just recently been in contact with my ex-boyfriend, the only one that I've really had. And its been fun, we joke around and make fun of each other so much and it feels great. Its been almost 4 years since we dated, and a little more than 2 since we've hung out, but in that time i think and hope that we have both grown up, so that we CAN be friends, and who knows maybe later something more, but thats counting my chickens before they hatch, and I've been really working at NOT doing that! Regardless, talking to this boy has been a great refreshing experience.
I dont know where this is going, but it makes ignoring James a little easier. Wait, ignoring is not a good word, I made a list of things that I should do on my way to New England this past Saturday, and they were 1. Not talking to James for a week, just to take a break, if I want, first thing Monday I can text him. 2. I had to be upfront with Matt, and I have accomplished that. 3. Dealt with finding a new car and 4. Dealt with school. Anyway, moving right along.
My thoughts are running around multiple things, and I feel kind of peaceful. Amazing, no?! Eh, I have a feeling it wont last for long.
There is more that I want to put on but cant find the words.

In other news, it was discovered today that the other day when mom, grandma and I stopped somewhere to hike up just a little bit, that we were in fact hiking on the Appalachian Trail, amazing no? I want to do more. I find that though I like being in contact with the world, I also like hiking and would even like to go backpacking at some point, so maybe I should start with getting into it slowly, with like the Sierra Club or something?!

So here's to new experiences, and going for something that one has always wanted to do.

One Day You Will.

Lady Antebellum

It happens. One day you are so agast over this boy, things arent going anywhere and you are SOO hung up on him (happens to me all the time) but at some point my body takes over, and tells both my head and heart that its time to move on.

So its time to move on.

This one wasnt the one for me, neither was the last one, or the one before that. And why the hell am I looking for 'the one' you ask? Well because although I have grand ideas and grand plans, the fact of the matter is that I will probably marry the first guy that I ever have a lasting relationship with. Again you ask why? Because call it a curse or a blessing, but I havent had a relationship with any guy, or at least a long one, and you know why? because theres been ONE ITTY BITTY LITTLE thing that holds me back, and it turns out that LITTLE thing saved me a lot of heartache.

So I am back to being me, the strong me.

I can and have gotten through all the hurdles thrown at me thus far, so I can keep going, and slowly but surely I feel the confidence building, maybe I'm not the creeper that I always think that people might perceive me as. Maybe just maybe someone will see me, the real me.

Maybe someday I will be at the summer party that my family has with this person. And you know what? He is going to have to convince at least 40 people that hes genuine, and thats ok, and he will. And afterwards he will hold my hand and open the car door for me, and we will go home- together. This my friends, is my current dream.

Fight Like a Girl

by Bomshel.

Every day is a new day. Every day, I think of you less.
Every day, I still want you more.

Why is it that your best friend talks to me more than you do.
What about that apartment on THAT night made me SO interesting?
I mean seriously, I didnt want three guys to be attracted to me, I wanted/ still want ONE guy to want a relationship with me.

My head knows whats good, my head wants to let go, but unfortunately my heart has other ideas, its still holding tight.

Dont.

Dont you wish we tried. Do you feel what I feel inside. You know my love is stonger than pride.
Song By Shania Twain.

Still Confused.
Need to seriously wait for him to text me first, but I fear that he wont. Even our limited contact has been better than the no contact that we had for 2 weeks.
I guess I just have to suck it up and go with the flow. Yea, its gonna suck, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I dont know much, but I do know that if not talking to someone was killing me, that I would talk to them. Im not saying I want to talk to him 24/7 but I would like to initiate SOME contact.
So heres to the waiting- lets hope its not a 2 week ordeal! :)
Wait, is this punishment for me saying that we shouldnt talk? Is he making me wait like I did that for him? But thats not really fair because I warned him that we shouldnt talk, that I was having issues with the separation of friendship vs. romantic feelings. UGH I dont get it.

But what I want most? To see him, to surprise him at work, does that make me a horrible person, or just a hopeless romantic? haha

Everyday

Rascal Flatts song.

Today there has been a quote passing through my head. "Dont make someone a priority if they make you an option." So yes, that see-saw that I have been on for some time is at play once again.
He isnt a priority, not now, but I do like talking to him. He said he was dying not talking to me, but I havent seen any of that come into play. Somewhere, somehow I have to find the strength- the willpower to not talk to him until/unless he talks to me.

Here's to that stubborn Carnes streak, lets put it to good use!

What a Beautiful Day

Song by Chris Cagle.

I cant find the right words. I cant find the right description. Everthing swirls around and nothing gets pinned down.

This is not a good place for a person who likes to have the answers. I am not good at living without answers. But the one person who has the answers isnt very forth coming- they need space.

So heres the issue, space vs. answers.

Right now, space is winning.

I dont want to drive you away because of my questions.

Anything But Mine

Kenny Chesney song.

We are talking again. 12 days no talking and I about lost my mind- as you can read.

Still, is this good? Or am I just feeding a heartsick mind?

Really, it was killing you not talking to me? How can I not fall for that, how can I keep my head on me and focus on the fact that YOU dont want anything, at least not now, right? I am good at compartamentalizing, but I dont know if I am THAT good.