Dizzy

Both literally and emotionally.
I dont do the whole waiting game well, unless I have a defined timeline.
So I got my answer tonight.
And then some silence.
We deserve this, if nothing else, to give it a try.
But its time for him to make up his mind.
And so I will give him a few days.
Dont keep me out friend,
I can take it, no matter what it is.
I am strong enough.
I promise.

Could it be

I wanna talk to him, hes one of my best friends.
But I am giving him his space. I texted first yesterday to show that we could talk and be normal without having the dreaded conversation, but I dont want to be pushy, or needy.

So I wait.

And then the thought occurred to me, was he reaching out to my friends to make things easier for the two of us? Did he want to resolve things because new things were happening? Yesterday my main feelings were paranoia, today, it seems I'm optimistic.
Wouldnt it be great to just tuck this into a drawer in my head, and close it until its time for our talk? Yea, if only.

I want to be cute, playful, flirty and carefree, but its just not me. I think too much, obsess a little and freak out over the smallest things.

Funny story though, my horoscopes for the past couple of days have been right on the mark. And today's seems like its a good time for a talk, hopefully it will happen.

All caught up

Since Friday I've been all caught up on you
on us, on the things I didnt do
It reminded me of that night last June
But nothings changed
I dont think you really want me
You just want a fuck buddy
Thats not going to happen pal
so can we just have the conversation now?
The "im not good at making plans"
and "your one of my best friends"
followed by "i didnt really mean that,
but I just couldnt seem to hold back."
You see I may be shy, and quiet
But around you my heart takes flight
I know what I want, well mostly
You make me feel like im floating
And thats a feeling I dont want to lose
But its time to put back on the shoes
Its time to woman up and hold my chin high
Because really, your nothing more than just another guy
Show me that you care
show me that you can play fair
and maybe I'll let you in
but until then I cant give in
Not if I want to prevent a crack
and keep my heart largely intact.



wow, I dont think words have flown out of me that well or that fast in a long time. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak- here we go! Its gonna be a wild ride. :)

Waiting game

I am not good at the waiting game.
I want to know everything about everyone and anything.
I want to know why you had a good 7am wake up call, who called you?
I dont want to be the rebound- thats no good.
Maybe I should nip this in the bud, stop it before I go all crazy over it.
Too late
I want to know everything, tell me everything.
Friends, partners, lovers. Thats what I want.
What do you want?

Blunt

Yep, all it took was one night and I am head over heels again.
But at the same time, I feel our dynamic has changed, who knows, maybe im just making it up because I want it to be true.
Time to step lightly, move slowly.
I can do this, I can get through this.
He doesnt get the power in all this
I do, its my life, its my choice
I dont care if he calls me a tease
or a jerk
If this is going somewhere
I get to make the important decisions
And if he doesnt like it,
well, it wont go anywhere now will it?

Mixed Signals

I know he wasnt drunk. I know I wasnt drunk.
So why was he nuzzling me like we were dating?
Why?
I told him he wasnt playing fair, I told him it was a jerky move.
Because even though he was nuzzling on me, I am pretty sure we are still in the same place we have been for over a year- friends. Thats it. Thats all.
So why the hell is he nuzzling me?
Yes, I am over thinking this, but dang it, no boy nuzzles me, ever, so I have a right to think about it too much.
Nuzzling my neck, my ear, stroking my face, kissing my neck, my cheek. It was like we were living in a Christian Romance novel, and it was awesome, amazing. I felt like we were two puzzle pieces in that moment that fit together just right.
But at the end of the day, I know he doesnt feel the same way, hes barely talked to me all day. We should have talked about it before he left. We need to draw some lines.
Emotionally, I cant handle the teasing, the nuzzling and then nothing- its not fair to me.
Either you want me or you dont, you dont get to have things both ways. So pal, make up your mind!

Theres so much more

Im not the girl you think I am. I want to shout that to everyone that I have ever known. No one knows me like I know me, or at least that should be the case right? At the moment I feel lost, pedaling quickly into an oblivion that I am not sure I want to be in, but my brakes wont work, so instead of turning around, instead of trying to brake with my feet, I am pedaling faster, I am so terrified of what is coming at me that I just cant slow down.
And at the same time, I feel that even I dont know who I am.
Maybe I am the girl you think I am, but honestly I dont WANT to be that girl.
I dont want to be the suck up, the always happy, always bouncy girl that some people think I am. I dont want to be a complete terror either though. I dont want the mood swings of PMS to be a part of my everyday life, its NO fun.
You know what I want?
I want to be a pleasant person to be around- someone who is not too cheery but who can talk to anyone. I want people to respect me because I respect them, I want people to think that I am approachable. I want my smile to be inviting, and to put people at ease.
But most of all, I want a person to stand by me, to compliment me with their personality, but someone who loves me with no holds barred.
And a house, a job, some pets. I want it all.

So maybe all this pedaling is just pushing me towards those goals. But I feel like I am in hyperdrive and that I might miss something- please bike, legs, god, whatever, let me slow down, I only have one chance, and I want to make the best of everything that I am given.

So, here's to finding my compliment, man, I sure hope he's out there somewhere.

Another year has passed

Yet I think of you constantly still.
And miss you
I love you grandma.
You were wonderful
And will never be forgotten
I dedicate this day to you
I hope that you are proud of the woman that I am becoming
And that you know I celebrate you, everyday

Growing up.... Maybe?

Once upon a time I had a HUGE crush on a guy that I also considered to be my best friend. And when I say huge I mean that this crush, it took up like my ENTIRE life, my brothers knew about it, and anyone that I was introduced to who became my friend well they got the whole saga.
The whole saga which, summed up is:
I met this kid on the bus, I instantly thought he was cute- I was 7 years old?! Anyway, things happened quite quickly. I fell head over heels. And that crush ruled my life. All I thought about was Timmy. He was one of my best friends, but I got jealous of the attention that he gave other girls. And I am fairly certain that he knew, although I didnt tell him myself until August 2004. But we didnt stay close, I was consumed in my crush on him, and it crushed me- emotionally. I was miserable. But I tried so hard to not let it affect things in my life- I was fairly good at compartmentalizing and so life went on. He and his family moved away December 2002 and the last time that we hung out was April 23, 2004- my 15th birthday party, and he made it special for me. But yet I was still consumed by this crush. And I think that mostly I couldnt understand why nothing happened- I sent him all the right "I like you" signals, or so I thought. I didnt understand that maybe he just didnt like me. That I really was just a good friend and like a sister, and no one really wants to date their brother/sister.
And then I went to college, and no one from there knows about Timmy. (Granted there was a second Tim that I full on crushed on, but thats a different story) I was handed a clean plate. That was a time to let go, it made perfect sense, right?
Yea, well apparently I was not ready to let go. I still defined myself by that crush, and it was kind of debilitating- emotionally anyway. I was shocked to learn that these people didnt know about Timmy, and I am pretty sure I told them all, multiple times maybe.
But the bottom line was, I wasnt really conveying how much I liked the kid. I felt as if people didnt understand that I loved that kid. Now, some would say that it happened in the past, and the past is the past so let it go. But I dont let go of things easily- I am getting better, but I still obsess mercilessly over things that are 70% NOT under my control!
So what has happened? Why am I writing this post, and where am I going with this?
Well yesterday my head collided with information. Timmy didnt like me, ever. Sure, I was a good friend and even at one point I was like a sister. But I was pushy, and lovesick and eventually I was NOT fun to be around. (lol).
THATS IT
The thought.
The thought, that for me is
L I F E C H A N G I N G ! !
Really?!
Yes, really.
I was SOO focused on my crush, so lovesick, so infatuated, so annoyingly pushy. That I lost a friend- someone, that I, between the ages of 7 and 15 was convinced that if I didnt end up with him than life was not complete. We were so PERFECT for each other. (haha, yea right).
Anyway...
I was so focused on that, that I was no longer a friend, and I bet I was not a fun person to be around.
My crush, crushed ME!
WOW, man.
So, whats next?
Well, I have to admit, I did friend request him on facebook. But I dont know that I expect anything to come out of that.
Regardless, MY take home lesson from this:
I, me, Jessica Carnes, cannot, CANNOT let herself get so caught up in a crush.
What does that mean?
It means that sure, like someone, crush on them, have dreams about them. But for goodness sake, dont be super obsessive. BE MYSELF. Do not try to change everything about me to like all the things that he likes.
Bottom line
I (me, you, we) must ALWAYS be my (your, our) own individual.

This is me, I am Jessica Carnes, and I am no longer defined by Timmy. I am defined by myself, my own experiences, and yes Timmy is ONE of those, but he is JUST ONE of those! :)

Good Luck to the rest of you individuals out there! :)

You Already Know

By Train.

That person, you know, the one who always came running to me when he had a problem? The one who told me he didnt want to lose me because I was more than just a friend, I was more like a best friend? Yea, he hasnt contacted me in roughly 3 weeks. And honestly, though it feels a little weird, I am kinda loving the fact that he is no longer in my life. Its like a deep sigh, of relief. He pulled away so I dont have to worry about not being there for him, he brought this on himself. Will I completely delete him from my life? No, I dont think so, I dont like burning bridges, but I might, just might delete him from my phone!

There are so many people in my life that love me, and who I love. Now, I can spend more time with those who bother for some back and forth conversation, rather than just contacting me when its most convenient.

Besides, though I dont know that I would ever tell it to his face, I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who wants to show me the world, someone who really honestly cares for me. And I am not sure that he cared for anything more than himself and not being lonely.

But the world is a lonely place, and if you dont learn how to be lonely, you arent gonna learn how to really appreciate company, and love them for how they help you in life. Yes, that sounds selfish, but if you cannot appreciate how others help your life then theres no way in hell that you will be able to see how you help others in their lifes.

Regardless of all that, and feeling selfish once again, but I feel as if this is my time, my year. And I am so excited for it, seriously, its gonna be awesome. And well, if I am wrong, thats ok too... I am just ready for this chapter!

Cant Call Love

Sarah Darling

Had almost a mental breakdown today, tonight. I made a "suggestion" to hang out with him. We were just gonna watch a movie. But there were storms, and I am terrified of storms so I bagged out, and a couple of times he almost talked me into going anyway. But ultimately I stayed. And I think it wasnt that I was worried about the storms, I mean I definitely was, but it was more than that. I wasnt worried about spending time with him, or getting back late- I mean ALL these things contributed but there was something more. Why was I having such a hard time with this decision. It wasnt just these things, or the fact that I was backing out on something that I said I would do, nope there was even something more.
He mentioned something, twice... and I think that was the root of everything "You would be safe here"
Those 5 words, hit a chord in me.
I know I would be safe there. He would take care of me, I am sure. But you see, it would mean more to me than I think it would mean to him. He is going through a possible break up. But he was the closest I've ever really had to a good relationship. And though I think I might be getting better, I still care about him, a lot. And hes a smooth talker and I know hes not gonna do anything that I wouldnt want to do. But what I want, especially during a storm is someone to hold me in their arms and protect me, keep me safe. However, I cannot go running to James when I feel insecure. Sometimes I have to stand up and be tall and be brave for myself.

I want nothing more to be safe somewhere with him, but it is not the right time for that.
Ok well, here come those storms, Im gonna go hide somewhere. Goodnight world, may you be able to stand on your own two feet even when it hurts the most.

Ready to Love Again

Lady Antebellum.

So I gave him an ultimatum. And I dont know if he is playing me or not, but things have gotten better. We have a fun relationship, I laugh when I get a text from him because we end up teasing each other. We make light of the serious stuff, because sometimes thats the best you can do. But talking to him has been fun again, lately. No, I dont think I am quite over him yet, I am rational enough to know that takes some time, but I am climbing up the latter, out of the sewer. I dont plan on getting sucked back down again, however, if he decides to climb out with me, well I make no promises.
Regardless, some of the lyrics to the song above are:

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, oh
Scared of love and scared of life alone
Seems I been playing on the safe side lately
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But its time for me to let it go

Chorus
Yeah, Im ready to feel now
No longer am I fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess Im ready to love again

And that kind of basically sums up how I am feeling. I dont know if I will get some love in return, but thats ok. Because regardless of everything else, one has to first love themself before one can truly love others. And as before I am really working on loving myself. I have difficult moments, but I am getting there, slowly but surely.

So to anyone who is reading this, find one trait in yourself that makes you happy.
It can be anything, I for instance love my legs- below my knees, my smile- because almost everyone compliments me on it, and the new thing: myself in business casual clothes. In fact, seeing myself in the business casual clothes has inspired me to work a little harder on losing some weight.

By golly, I sometimes think I might be growing up! Haha. I recently bought a planner, apples some yogurt and I am more conscious every day of the money that I am spending. Granted, I am not perfect yet, but hey, is anyone ever really perfect? Nah, so its all good. The bottom line is that we all work to make ourselves better.

Moral of todays rant: take it a day at a time, a step, a moment or even 30 seconds at a time, and eventually things will get better, I think! :) Good luck.

Who am I kidding

I am still hung up on you. There I have admitted it. And when you told me that she had left you, it was all I could do not to celebrate. But apparently you are still hung up on her, and I guess you are entitled because you all dated for a solid 8 months, almost exactly, but I mean who's counting? Damn, kid. I want you to be mine. I mean sure you come running to me like a little hound dog with its tail tucked everytime something bad or sad happens, and then when the good things happen you come running to me like a beagle that has caught what he was hunting, but I want to be more than the person you tell about the good and bad things. I want to be there WITH you, experiencing those things WITH you, helping you through them by being by your side and not through a computer or phone.

Love who you love

By Rascal Flatts

One of the hardest, but best qualities to cultivate is the love for yourself. Or maybe its just me that finds it hard. But I truly believe that finding a love for myself will help me in all aspects of my life. And you know, for some reason, turning 21 mellowed me out. I feel happier now than I have been in a LONG time.

Keys to loving myself: knowing that I am not perfect all the time, being happy with the life I lead, contributing to society, running, telling those that I love that I love them.

Lately though, the hardest thing for me is giving up pieces of myself to others, so that they can be a bigger part of my life. Learning how to actually greet people is a struggle.

But my biggest struggle right now is with a specific someone. He said something about me not calling him today, and well my gut reaction was: you are right, I dont call you, but that is because any time that I think about calling you its when I am struggling with something, whether its an internal struggle or external. And I have decided that I have to learn how to rescue myself before I can let others rescue me. In the past I have put too much faith in finding the right person that will make everything better. But really, its me, I am the right person. And if I have a companion, fantastic, but I need to really honest to goodness love myself first.

So, heres to saving myself, I dont need no stinkin prince! :)

Mine all Mine

Its a Shedaisy song.

First of all, this life is mine all mine. Second, I am learning how to be happy with me. Slowly, one day at a time, I am starting to figure it out. Even starting to figure out things with boys. I have a great friend who honestly I really couldnt ask for a better guy in my corner, at least one who isnt related. And he even knows and is going through the same things that I am.

So, I got distracted and didnt finish writing what I wanted to write, so moral of the story, be yourself, do what YOU want to do, and as one of my oldest friends told me the other day: "Life will be what you want it to be. You will have that man in your life that makes you smile. And that is very important. But if you don’t have that man.. you will still smile."

Here's to being happy, even if its for one moment in a day, one day in a month, one month in a year and one year in 10. :)

Happy Birthday, its a big one!

So, now its a day after my birthday. And I feel almost as if I missed it! Oh well.
Our favorite person called me yesterday, talked to me for 22 minutes and didnt even wish me happy birthday! But liked talking to me when he passed his crash site (where he totaled his Jeep last August) because I calm him down. Seriously?! He calls me, not his girlfriend? I don't get it, I just don't. Can ANYONE explain this to me??
People tell me that he's got me on the back burner, there just in case. And that he contacts me because he knows that I wont ignore him. But what I see is a strong woman that makes him come to me. Sure, I'll initiate conversation some, but its mostly him. At least 7 times out of 10 he talks to me first, whether its on facebook, or calling me. Granted if we have a text conversation, I generally text him first. But still, 7 times out of 10. There's gotta be some sort of subconscious appeal there, right? I dont know, I am totally confused.
Don't get me wrong, I don't MIND talking to him often. And it kinda makes me secretly smile that HE generally makes initial contact. But overall, big picture, I am kind of confused.
So, who's got answers for me?!


As for my birthday... how do I feel about being 21?
Well...
My grandma was married at 19.
One of my brothers got married at 21, his wife was 20 at the time. They had their first kid within a year.
My oldest brother was born 11 days before my dad turned 22.
My other sister-in-law had just turned 22 when she married my brother. They too had their first kid within a year.

In short... I feel a little behind the times.
Sure, my mom was 27 when she married my dad, and then waited another 3 years before I was born.
But I've always said I wanted to get married at 23 and have kids at 25, and well that really, REALLY doesnt look too promising. Which is kind of saddening.
On the other hand, I am USUALLY happy with my life. I mean I want to finish school and grad school and have a career and such, but I still WANT a man in my life, ya know?! lol.
Ok, birthday rant over... OH and I didnt cry on my birthday this year! :)

Wonder where I've been, where I am going.

People say that he keeps me around because I am a safe bet, someone to fall back on. You know, a sense of security. And that may be true, but geez, the comfort I feel talking to him. I know he has a girlfriend, I know that he isnt necessarily the person that I want him to be, but he is my friend, and we as people look beyond imprefections in friends. I mean no one is perfect, and we are not always going to get along with the person that is our friend, so why do we always expect perfection in relationships? Its not fair to anyone.

Regardless, I am happy in life once again, not troubled with the heartwrenching feelings that I am not good enough, that I am too fat, or ugly or asymmetrical. But rather rejoice in the fact that I am me. I smile, a lot, and I love sports, and I get giddy at some of the smallest things, but thats ok, and I am loved. No matter what happens my brothers love me- they may roll their eyes at me, but they do love me. And my parents are some of the most supporting parents in the world. And my grandma, man, she is just plain fantastic. My friends, well like the tides, our intensity of friendship ebbs and flows but I know that they love me in their own way, and I them.

Back to him. He has talked to me almost every day this week, is it a good thing? I dont know. I dont know how to define anything that happens between us, I mean I guess we are friends. It seems as though we are friends, but you know, even though he has a girlfriend there is still that undercurrent. Something is there, and I try to ignore it, because we made a decision last summer that we werent gonna define ourselves in that way. But the other night, I laid down to go to sleep, thinking of him because he was the last person I talked to and the images that flashed in my head as I closed my eyes were kisses, lots of them. I am not saying that they mean anything in the real world, but obviously there are connections drawn in my mind. Damn, you know? I thought I was getting rid of those!

Obviously, as a person trying to sift through emotions, one of the things that I could do is cut him out of my life. But really, I'm not that kind of person, you have to seriously hurt me physically or emotionally to be deleted out of my life, or delete me first. And he hasnt done that. You know, I never really thought that people could split amicably but now I realize that it isnt necessarily not hurting, but rather the best decision for the time. And, I gotta say, I have no regrets.
I do however, have lots of memories, and dates tied to him.
3-20 First met him
4-22 Bowling, and at midnight everyone sang me happy birthday,and when he left he said Happy Birthday to me
5-14 Calling him and leaving him a voicemail when I was drunk off my ass.
5-19 He came home with me and left an impression on my parents
6-6 I went and stayed the night at his apartment
Week of July 4- He told my sister in law that he wanted me for more than just a booty call, but rather for a relationship
7-11 I decide that having no contact with him would be in my best interest
7-25 I decide that I cant not have contact with him and he tells me that not talking to me had been "killing him"
And then dates get fuzzy for a while because we had lots of ups and downs.
The funny thing about all these dates, is that never have I remembered so many dates in connection with 1 person. I mean, seriously. I dont even remember when my first date with Matt was.

Oh well. I guess every person that comes into one's life leaves their own footprints. Whether they are emotions, dates, or even both. Its those moments, those solitary moments that you shared with certain people, that make everything else worthwhile.

So heres to the moments in our lives with the people that we love, the people that confuse the hell out of us, or even the people that we love to hate.

P.S. Sleep and I need to become friends once again!

Let it be.

Yup, thats a Beatles song.

The other day I went and saw James. I dont know what made me do it, other than the fact that I just felt the need that I had to go, no matter what, I had to go. So I did. And you know it was good. I dont know if I was trying to prove to myself that I was ok without him or if I felt that I would need him more after seeing him, but what happened was I let him go. Yes, thats right, all that heart pounding, this is the man that I would marry if we had met at a different time, it was gone. In fact, I thought to myself, that if people, women specifically, could let go of guys, the way that I just had, then the world would be a little more peaceful. And by peaceful I just mean people wouldnt get stuck so long on heartbreak. Sure, James and I had our ups and downs, and no I didnt always know what was happening, was he hitting on me or just being a friend? But I stuck with him, I think more than anything else, because he always felt real to me. What do I mean by real? Well I always struggle to define this, but he didnt really play games with me, he (with a few exceptions) told me straight up how things were. And I felt that we were always friends first, which we really were. Finding that friendship again, after the more romantic-y and less-than-platonic feelings that we had shared last summer was really good. I dont know if it was him or me, but we took it slow, occasionally talking and then talking more often, and even more often. Yes, going to see him may have set us back a little, but thats ok no one is perfect.
Regardless, you know that elusive "everything will be fine" state of mind that everyone tells you about. The, "if you forget about him, you will be happier", the just "let it go" you know what I am talking about right? Well I finally found it, and it feels so much better than anyone could ever even try to describe. I am not saying that it is easy, or that everyone can do it, but its all about the mentality, and the willing to look at the bigger picture. You know all the cliches? Well they are passed down for a reason. And maybe its just me, but those cliches really do make sense, sometimes.

Anyway, heres to hoping that you, whoever you are, can feel this sense of peace, even in the insanity that life brings daily.

Gotta Rant

Seriously? You call me because you have a sick dog. Its like you know you are playing with my heartstrings and that I will get swept into this situation. I dont like it, but I cannot help it because I cannot look away when it comes to a sick animal.
*Sigh*

Heres to separating Church from state... feelings from what needs to happen.

Hot and Cold

Yes and No, In and out, up and down. (Inspired by the Katy Perry song)

I have known you only a year. 1 year, 1 week. And within that year there has been this HUGE array of memories. Some of the good, some of the bad. But regardless, neither one of us has let go. I dont know if we can, does that sound to presumptuous? I mean seriously, when I said no contact that should have been it. But it was too hard on me, and you said it sucked for you too. Then limited contact throughout the fall and winter and now all of a sudden, its like we have traveled back in time- almost exactly a year. I dont know what to do with it. I dont know how to handle it. You have been the most real relationship I have had and we never even made it into the relationship. So what gives, what do I do to protect myself but not lose you, is it even possible? Better yet, is it really worth it?

I dont know. But I will try. I dont want to be the other girl, it was blurry as to whether that happened last year, and I dont want to play that game again. If anything I want you to be just mine, one on one, no extra people. But it seems you have moved on and whether you know it or not, and whether I like it or not, it feels as if I am the backup girl.

My pride and joy in this whole situation is that I have not cried over you. Frustrated? Yes. Angered? yes. Hurt? sure. But tearful? Not once. And whether or not I like the fact that the saying "He who makes you cry isnt worth the tears and he who doesnt is" or some variation of that, is stuck in my head, it definitely influences me. You havent ever made me cry, and for some reason or another that speaks volumes in and of itself. And I cannot shake it.

The way that you have an uncanny ability to almost literally bring me to my knees in surprise is a pain in the butt. And the fact that you remember and freaking bring up some of our "moments" just flabbergasts me. I mean seriously, last night you watched Twilight and New Moon and brought up the night that you first saw Twilight. A night that I will never forget. And then I asked if you ever read the books. And apparently you have, so I commended your girlfriend for getting you to read the books, but you said it wasnt her who got you to read the books. No, apparently when I told you you should read the books you did. I mean SERIOUSLY? You like UK basketball? WHAT THE HELL?!

I feel that I will never be able to forget you, not that I would want to. However, this just friends thing we have scares the shit out of me. Because for me, those memories that I have, they cloud my vision. We had some good things. And you still talk about hanging out, it just scares me. YOU scare me.

Here's an analogy for how I feel. I feel like I am a fish that bit down on a baited hook. You were the fisherman, and reeled me in. You took the hook out and treated me special for a while. Then you put me in a cooler and its yet to be decided whether or not you are going to let me go free at the end of the day.

Heres to hoping that the worst fate that this fish comes to is just being put in an aquarium and not being fried for dinner, because I am sure if you were to take me home for dinner things would definitely end in tears.

I said it once last year that you had me hook line and sinker and that you needed to either fish or cut bait. So I think you have fished and yet I still dont have much control over what happens.

Here's to being able to live a life as a fairly happy fish and not being fried for lent! :)

Who am I kidding, Really?

Do you remember James, the guy I had such convoluted emotions about over the summer?
Yea well apparently we are still friends, it took a while but I became ok with it. In fact I have to be careful about what I say about him around my friends because of their intense loyalty to me and Katrina. Needless to say, they dont trust him anymore. And sure I understand why, I have even struggled over the though of would I be able to ride in a car that he was driving anytime soon? (I still havent come up with a good answer, although I lean towards NO) Regardless, we usually have a fun banter about things going on in our lives and it hit me today, thanks to realizing that his girlfriend was at his apartment, that hes moving on, forward, and though it doesnt really feel like it, I think I might be stuck, in some quicksand.
I guess that before tonight the girlfriend always seemed like a phase of his, something that he would get over because I mean after all we had such a good thing going, when it was going, that is. And we said that we didnt think that it was the last time we would talk, hang out, whatever. But maybe this girlfriend is you know, REAL. Maybe there's something really there. And sure I know that I deserve better, but things felt so real with him, like they werent quite finished just yet. He was the first guy to really I dont know, make me feel special? Make me feel like the world wasnt really passing me by?
And if I am being brutally honest with myself- which tonight I am, it hurts. Its not really a full out break my heart hurt. But theres definitely a little ache there. Its time that I hang up my hat and really admit to myself that we are just friends. But the sad but true thing is, I dont know that I really know how to be friends with him (or any guy for that matter).
So heres to feeling an ache, realizing that life isnt perfect, but it definitely is wonderful IF you can take a step back and look at it, and realizing that there will be something out there for you, you just have to be patient. I am trying my patience once again! :)

Oh, and by the way, I am the new President for the Student Alumni Association here at school, I was voted in today. This is thrilling yet daunting.

When you got a good thing

Lady Antebellum

Yesterday was Senior day for the basketball team. The last home game that Tim, Matthew and Blake will ever play for Transy. It was also senior day for the 2 student coaches: Matthew and Aaron. And we lost :(. By one point. It was truly bittersweet, and for me it didnt sink in UNTIL after everything was done and over. I should have stayed for the boys to come out to give them hugs, these guys were the reason I was drawn to Transy basketball, and I will truly miss them. Not only them though, but their families too. The people that made up my "Basketball family"- the Tierney's and the Parton's.

Regardless, its been a very fun season for me. Full of learning experiences, and maybe just maybe if I'm lucky Matthew will come back to coach again next year! ;)

Goodbye for now, world.

Winter Wonderland

This snow is beautiful.
I love it, mostly, but I am starting to worry about my drive back to Lexington Sunday. But, like most of the things that I worry SO much about, there is nothing that I can do about it.
Thus, I turn my attention to other things.
It seems that my life lately is full of baby steps, whether its outside so that I dont fall down or emotionally so I dont build things up- knowing that I will ALWAYS overthink whatever happens, but I can acknowledge it and hopefully use it to my advantage.

My quote of the day is "You gotta take baby steps, otherwise you might slip and fall" And yes it pertains to this weather that we are experiencing but more than that its life, sometimes going through things full speed ahead is not the best idea, sometimes we need to take those baby steps so that we dont get too eager... I know I especially have to keep myself from getting too eager.
I sometimes feel like a middle schooler in the body of an adult, and I dont know how to get around that other than to recognize it, and step back, take a deep breath and start again- hopefully with a little bit less excitement.

Pocketful of Sunshine

Natasha Bedingfield

I've been watching a lot of chick flicks lately and the bottom line is that one has to be really comfortable with themself before someone else can appreciate them.
And that isnt something that I learned from the chick flicks. It comes from other things like books and life and just observing things.

Though I feel fairly comfortable with myself, I need to learn to not care SO much what others think, because deep-down I am a people pleaser.

And though its not necessarily needed, I dont think a list of random facts about me can hurt anything.

Here goes nothing.

1. I love basketball... seriously, and I think that sometimes it throws guys off, because girls arent supposed to like basketball as much as I do, but I do, and I will not apoligize for it!

2. I love animals. Dogs belong inside, on beds and with their people. Sorry- its one of those things I refuse to budge on.

3. I have a somewhat obsessive personality, but generally I am not too creepy about it. I just yearn for random facts about people or random things and so I ask, I google, things like that.

4. I have many personality traits that only show themselves around the type of people they compliment. For example, I can be very much of a country girl- but people at Transy dont necessarily know that.

5. I have a passion for pajama pants... when in doubt I buy some pajama pants!

More to come, but I am currently being thoroughly distracted by P.S. I Love You

Grab Life by the Horns

I have recently read several things, and heard things, and its time that I grab life by the horns- to steal Dodge's saying!

Sure life has been great lately, I have no complaints, but I am ready to take it to the next level, I need to be more in control of the little things.

So here goes, operation "live big". I gotta start thinking more about summer and the future and just loving myself, and being healthy...

Where are you Christmas?

This year I am really laid back about Christmas. I find that I am enjoying it more than I have the past couple of years, maybe I am finally growing up. haha.

The other day, when I was driving home from Lexington, I saw a funeral procession and as I watched the police escort them down the road, and I saw 20 or so cars in line, I lost it.
This was the hardest holiday that I have gone through. And its not that anything was different than it has been the past 2 Christmas' but rather I think I finally really grieved. I miss my grandma so much. It occured to me the other day that yes, she got to see all of her grandchildren turn 18, but she didnt get to see us all married. It hit me hard when I realized that when I get married- if that ever comes around, she wont be there. On my big special day, I wont get to share it with her, petty as it may be, this saddens me greatly.
I guess the long and the short of it, is that this holiday season I really miss my grandma. And theres nothing I can really do about that, other than recognize the sadness, let it happen, and then move on.
So here's to living every day, something I plan to work on more. I dont want to waste another day!

Let it be

This is just one of those things where I just have to let it be. What happens, happens, for good or for bad, and in the end, the very end, I will die. So between now and death I gotta love the life I live and live the life I love. And I am learning that sometimes to do that I have to let go of the little details, which is hard. But I am seeing the big picture, the big picture is that I am only 20, I'm 20-25% done with my life, I mean hopefully only 20-25%. And when it comes down to it I AM an optimist, but at the same time I worry about what will happen, you know I am not oblivious to the culture around me where people get married at 20, and sometimes 25, but I mean SERIOUSLY, just about everyone I know has had a relationship by the time they are 20, and I mean a deep meaningful relationship.
Maybe I am different, maybe, like UK's freshman John Wall, I'll be a one and done person. Maybe just maybe the first person I REALLY fall for and really have a relationship with will be the only one worth it.

Oops...

I think I got a little too excited.
Maybe I tried to talk too much?
Bottom line, I dont know what I did, but I havent talked to him in almost a week, havent even SEEN him in almost a week.

Back to square one, or maybe square negative 1. haha.

That sport that I love

Basketball.
One word.
3 syllables.
My passion.
No I dont play, but who said you had to play a sport to be passionate about it.
My friends laugh at me because I pick basketball games over parties with them, I picked a basketball game over waiting in a hospital to be told if my dad was ok. This is just what basketball is to me, its that one thing that I can always turn to that will always put a smile on my face. And no, not every team is perfect, but pretty much every team is working hard.
For me, the best basketball experience has been Transy basketball. When given the choice of watching a UK game or a Transy game, I will pick the Transy game 9 times out of 10. You might stare at me in disbelief of this but its true. Know why? Because Transy plays like a team, there is no superstar, and there is no press. We barely make it on the 11 o'clock news when we win. And sure there are the leaders on the court, but there isn't one player that is all the difference, and somehow I think that is better.
No, Transy doesn't have a 10-0 record, in fact we have a 5-4 record, but we are young, and we are still finding our way. Our first game was 8 hours away, and we fell on our face, I think that gave us a bad taste for away games. And yes, we have won 2 away games since then, but there is still some disconnect. As for home games... this season we have been perfect, and last season we lost only 1 time at home! I'm not buddy-buddy with the players, but I have been to every game except that first one, and I can tell that the guys are working hard. In fact, this last game one of our freshmen who usually gets in foul trouble really early, only had 1 foul at the end of the first half. And didn't get his second foul until halfway through the second half. Unfortunately as a team, we foul a lot! But I think we will get better at it.
Throughout this I have said "we" when referring to the Transy basketball team, and I realize that I am not an athlete, I do not play on the team, but I do keep the scorebooks and have been traveling with the team, and so yes, I feel that maybe just maybe I can include myself when talking about Transy basketball. I mean I'm not gonna go out and scream at the top of my lungs that I am part of the team, because I am not, and I do realize this!
I guess what I am saying, is that I love basketball, but if you know me, you already know this! And Transy basketball is the best that I have seen, at least when it comes to teamwork! Sure I love the Cats, but they almost have a superstar status, and I kinda like being around the "lesser knowns."
And we have just as much potential as the Cats, we are just division III instead of division I- did you know that we have 6 McDonald's All-American nominees playing at Transy? And 3 Kentucky Regional players of the year? I mean sure they are freshman, but they are already contributing a great deal and it will be fun to see what they will be able to do as seniors!
I suppose this is where I stop talking about Transy basketball, you get the point! :)
Here's to Transy basketball, building on the successes and learning from the losses!

Blah

Stupid stomach that hates any and all food that I put in it.
Stupid head that is pounding
Stupid boys that dont respond the way one wants.

Blah on this day.

Bus Ride

I sit here, and I can't take my eyes off him. He is making sure everything is in order, he is counting people, planning for tomorrow and I just want to be his partner. It sounds silly but it is what it is. Somehow I feel that when he is around I will be taken care of, and let me tell you, that's a good feeling!
So here's to riding the bus and falling for him! (LOL)

No longer invisible?

How to put this? I want to know more, I yearn for details, but I dont want to seek them out, I want him to tell me, about his life, his family. And I know you cant build something out of nothing, but there is something there,and he sees me when I feel otherwise invisible. He asks about my dad even though that was several weeks ago, he talks to me in the most public places of campus. What more could a girl want?!
Ok ok, I know, but still, I mean he tells me that my crappy made on the spot score book is perfect. Really, PERFECT? I dont think so! But thanks anyway. And I mean I feel pesky, because I am almost constantly asking questions, but he tells me "dont worry about bothering me" so I mean thats good right? Now, if we can bridge the gap and talk about something other than basketball, dont get me wrong I LOVE talking about basketball, but even I will admit that basketball isnt the ONLY thing in life- no matter how much I convince my Transy family that it is. And yes there are times when I will pick basketball over something else. Like when my dad was in the hospital and I picked basketball, or like tonight, we are going on an overnight for the game tomorrow, and my Transy family is having their Christmas gathering, so I am picking basketball over that. I feel slightly bad but at the same time, this is my passion, I wish people would understand that more than they do.
I may not know where this is leading, but you can bet I am along for the ride, and I think that even if it doesnt turn into anything more than just a friendship- friendship is good... usually! :)

Sigh

This morning the house that my friends and I have nicknamed "the basketball house" had an electrical fire. They are all fine- or so I've heard. And the house had fairly minimal damage, but the reaction that I had when I heard the news?
It was an involuntary reaction that just shook my whole world. Its like the past few weeks "god" is telling me, yes you are having a good life, but just remember bad things can happen- see see? First dad then the basketball house. I mean I know that I am just a fan, and I know that these boys dont REALLY care all that much- or if they do they care only on the inside. But I seriously would have some issues to work out if they were gone. Next year is gonna be tough. And I dont want to get in their way, so I will just sit here, touch base, see them at games, but I dont think these boys- men- really know just how much they mean to me. And not in a creepy way, seriously. These people- though not always as talkative and friendly as I would like are a family to me. This is my basketball family, and I love it- its like living with a really dysfunctional family!

So, heres to them being ok, heres to saving the Christmas Tree, and heres to my basketball family!

New Territory.

Its like trying to write a new story with a new angle, its rough. No fun to go through, but necessary.
New person, new attraction. But all the rules are different.
Why is that?
I dont even see him all that often, except at games, or when it comes to basketball, so again its like admiring from a distance, and I dont know HOW to bridge the distance.
I dont know what to do, I dont know where to start. But I do know that, this time, its gonna happen on its own. I am not going to "Research" I dont plan on pushing. I'm just gonna be me, and go from there.
But my friends, this is definitely a full blown crush. Lets hope that previous experiences can help me in the end.

Mamma Mia

Here I go again, how can I resist ya?

Im starting to lose it.
Moment to moment, day to day I just want to see him.
I want to get to know him.
I dont know how to go about doing that...
which is different than my norm.
Normally I am ruthless,
I know how to get info and I go for it.
Not this time, this time I just want to take it slow.
I want to get to know him for him.
I dont want to know everything from other sources.
This is weird.
Exploring the new things in life.
Learning how to be a "normal" person (haha)

Here's to being a little more old fashioned.

Dear Heart

I might be close for falling for a new guy.
Good luck.
I am just on the edge of falling, I can feel it coming though.
I see it perfectly mapped out- but life isnt perfect.
So brace yourself.
This too shall pass.


Saturday night, while wrestling with my decision about staying at the game rather than rushing home to be with my dad a song popped into my head, and I think it has multiple meanings.
The song was "Need you now" by Lady Antebellum.
One of the lyrics is "Its a quarter after 1, I'm all alone and I need you now"
"And I dont know how I can do without, I just need you now"
Saturday night I thought of my dad and how I dont know how I could do without him. So that lyric applies to him.
But we were riding the bus back to Transy and though I usually feel alone on the bus, I didnt feel that way this time. There was a person who reached out to me, asked about dad and made me smile. Things like that are wonderful. And I had been singing "Need you now" and I realized that (though not quite a quarter after 1) I needed someone, and they were there for me. So thank you, person who will remained unnamed for now.

Maybe my heart is ready, maybe its time to start letting people in, and maybe just maybe someone wants to let me in to their heart.

Or, you know maybe not. But its worth a shot! :)

Smiling.

It is the one thing that is easy to do, and just one smile can convey a number of emotions.
Here is the challenge, smile to everyone you make eye contact with, even if you arent having a good day, and even if life sucks, if you smile enough you might actually start believing something good comes out of it. So, my friends smile like theres no tomorrow!

I promise

I love the game- basketball
I will try to befriend anyone who plays.
Sure I might develop a crush on a player, but that doesnt mean that I am not capable of being friends.
I will be there for every game- well as many as possible
I will be a silent cheerleader.
I will respect bus rides
I will respect every player
I wont crash parties
But deep down, I just want to be friends- is that really so hard?

This is my promise: to be the behind-the-scenes girl, the quiet one that you may not notice, but really the one who just wants to be accepted, who wants to be your friend, but is too self-conscious to make the first move, so I will wait patiently. I will smile, wave, maybe try to talk, but I will do my best to not overstep any boundaries.

Season of Thanksgiving

This past Thursday was Thanksgiving, and I was very thankful for the life that I had. Things had started falling into place for me, and it was wonderful.

Then, Saturday, my dad had a heart issue. It was the first one to hospitalize him since 2 weeks before the start of my Freshman year at Transy.

Mom, grandma, and I were near Cincy when we got the call- we had been planning for about a month that they would come to a Transy basketball game, and this was the one. So, there we were in Cincy, and we got the call. And yes, I feel a little guilty- I stayed in Cincy for the game, while mom and grandma traveled home. Over the course of the next couple of hours I questioned my sanity. Why in the world did I pick basketball over my dad? Well, the answer my friends, is that I wouldnt have been able to do anything for my dad, it would have taken 2 hours to get home and then its just a waiting game. And I chose to do my waiting at the basketball game, surrounded by the team and their families. And I know that I am not buddy-buddy with everyone on the team, but some people came through and showed that they cared, and the parents/grandparents also rallied around me and offered me a place to stay, which is way more than I could have asked, but it was greatly appreciated. I am not perfect, and I did "choose" basketball over my dad, but I am at a point in my life, where I know what to expect when dad goes to the hospital- bloodwork, overnight stay, stress test, and other random tests, and dad knows that I love him and that I would drop anything for him but at the same time, I still have a life to live, I still have responsibilities. Basketball isnt just fun for me, its a job. And at the end of the day, dad is ok, for now.
Some of the good things that came out of this experience: I came out of my shell a little bit more because I was reminded that life is short, and even if its good right now, I still have some responsibility for how my life ultimately turns out. But the best thing of the experience was the flight. Mom and grandma took my car home, I rode the bus back to Transy, and a friend picked me up and I stayed with her, but now I was stuck in Lex without any of my clothes, schoolwork or even my room key so I was desperate to find a way home Sunday. One of the clients from the clinic flew from Lou to Lex to pick me up, took my back to Lou and then took me to the hospital. And though the surrounding circumstances werent that great, flying in a small plane from Lex to Lou, was freakin AWESOME. And now, I want to either marry a pilot or get my pilots license!

Today, lets toast to making lemonade out of lemons. Sure, life is always gonna mess up your plans, and sure things may not turn out as well as they did for me this past weekend, but we can still hold our head high, and we can still live life to our fullest- if not for ourselves, for our loved ones.

Tonights Gonna Be a Good Night

Maybe, although I have the urge to cry my eyes out, and I dont even know why.
Life is great, I am getting everything that I want. I am moving forward, living every day and loving it. So why the sudden sadness?
I think it has to do with loneliness. I mean I dont understand it, but I guess it fits. I need a person to vent to a person who is there, physically and emotionally, no matter what. Someone who is close- see thats my problem. I have a couple of great friends and I absolutely adore my family, but friends arent always there emotionally- and who am I to put my worries on them? And family, unfortunately isnt there physically.
Oh well, its one of those times I realize whats going on, I recognize it, take a deep breath and put it aside, too much is going right for me to stumble here.

Heres to staying on your feet, especially when on the outside things look fine and you are emotionally jumbled like no other.

The Jessie Stats era is here! :)

Last night I got my first gig at doing books for the Transy men's basketball team. I had a blast, even if the short ref was a little scary!
Coach had told me to be in the gym at 4:30, and then we didnt even leave til roughly 5:30 or a little later. So, we get to Berea and I ask coach what he wants me to do. His response? "I didnt even know you were on the bus!" And he wanted me to do the books, but he didnt HAVE any books, luckily, I did. So I said, "You mean books like this one?" and he said yes. I felt awesome. And then one of the assistant coaches came to check out what I was doing. Asked if the book I had was a book that Transy had, and I said "No, I just happened to have it laying around." He laughed, and told me congrats on being more prepared for the game than they were. It felt great. And keeping the books is MUCH easier than keeping stats, how did I not realize this before?!

On another note. I think the Saint is scared or creeped out by me. Which saddens me greatly. I dont mean to be creepy. So now I have to find a way to descare him. And no, its not going to be an elaborate scheme. In fact, its going to be more of a lack of interest. Yes, I would like to ride the same bus as him, but really, I just want to ride the bus of players that actually occasionally talk to me- even if its not often. And he hangs out with the 2 that do. So, sorry bout your luck, but I do plan on riding the same bus, I wont sit next to you unless its the last seat though. Sorry pal.

Heres to doing scorebooks at away games but being able to enjoy the home games!

The Drive Home

I thought about him today, while driving home. No, not The Saint, and No, not the Angel- shoot I havent thought about him in ages. No, not Dylan. But James.
Yes, James, and No, it wasnt upsetting in the slightest.
I compartimentalize so well sometimes that I just need to let myself let go. Not in the he's out of my life way but the, I'm gonna let my thoughts go where they want to go and not be upset when they turn to James. And turn to him they did.
Its interesting looking back on the time that I was falling for him. I was ready to take a leap of faith, I was ready to try my hand at this whole relationship thing, but he was planning on moving, so we would have only had 2-3 months. I was ready, he was holding back. Which is fine, and you know even the best laid plans dont always work, he didnt move, hes still just 20 minutes down the road from Lex, but he does have a girlfriend now, and we do still talk. Mostly I make fun of him, or I am slightly snotty, but its not that I wish him ill will, not at all, its that if I dont poke fun at things, I dont know where my mind might go- you know the "Oh, hes talking to me, wheeeeeee" type of thing. I cant do that, I dont want to do that.
And if I've said something once, I've said it a thousand times: I am really, honest to goodness, truly happy right now. My life couldnt get much better.
And the best part about being able to let myself think of James, is that I dont dwell on the angst, I dont care about the times that I was wringing my hands trying to figure him out, but I do focus on the fun times that we had. And that my friends, I think, shows that, though it wasnt perfect, it was meant to be, and its good, and it was a growing experience.
So heres to moving on, but being able look back at the good times.

Fan Girl

Sometimes I feel like a fan girl when it comes to basketball. Yes, I am helping with Transy's team, which is SUPER exciting. And yesterday we played some local guys, coached by Kyle Macy with players like Bobby Perry and Lukasz Orbzut, and I was kind of super excited. BUT I was a good girl and didnt go all fan girl in their face, I mean I bet there is nothing worse than going fan girl in the face of players when said fangirl is also stats girl.

So, here's to keeping the fan girl inside of me, and not going all crazy when I meet some awesome basketball players! Oh, and this doesnt just go for the pro team, or for UK players (on the off chance that that happens) this goes for the Transy players that I am around every day.

Needless to say, I love these guys! (And somehow I dont think they know what has hit them yet) Yes, I am the stats girl, but I am also the number 1 cheerleader, the behind the scenes girl, and I cannot WAIT to see what the season brings!

Loving Life

So I see pictures on facebook and I sigh. Part of me wants to be part of that world, you know, like how The Little Mermaid feels, but at the same time I like the person that I am. I am not a party person, and I am not a part of that world. The guys see me and they say hi to me but that is about it, I don’t know why but our relationships just aren’t that deep and yes, it sounds funny, but I like these guys and not like I want to be with them, but rather I want to be their friend. I honestly think of myself as their biggest fan. I mean seriously who else- who doesn’t have a personal agenda- would go to so many games. Now, I am not saying that I don’t have a personal agenda, but I am not a girlfriend, I am not looking to get in bed with them and I am not a family member. In fact, I just want to be their friend. No one has too many friends right?
I know that before I have talked about these boys a lot and about a specific boy more often, but I have changed my lease on life. I have changed my outlook, with the help of a friend. I decided that I could focus my energy on being friends with him instead of focusing on how he notices me and when he notices me. So, I changed the rules of the game and already I have less butterflies- its great. I hope that I can keep this going.
In other news, I feel like I am growing as a person, and I kind of love it. I don’t think my life could get much better. I am doing ok in my classes, I am enjoying my classes. I am participating in basketball season in a way that I never have before and I love that, I cannot be more excited about this opportunity- I only hope that I don’t get fired from this job! I have a great family and I am thankful for my life- period. I need nothing more in my life. I feel as if my life is complete, for the first time ever. And I absolutely love it.
I am looking forward to the next step- graduate school. And to find success in this endeavor I need to keep focusing on the schoolwork that I have now, as well as studying for the GMAT test. I think I am going to ask my mom and grandma to help me study over Christmas break- if I can.
Here’s to changing the rules of the game in order to love the life you live and live the life you love!

Blessed

A song by Martina McBride

I may not always express my gratitude for having the life that I have, and as Addison Montgomery from Private Practice said "I dont have a visible wound, but I am still broken" I feel that mentally I am sometimes broken. BUT I am grateful. I love my family.
And today especially.
Today my dad turned 53. He had a heart attack 9 years and 5 months ago. His right coronary artery was 99% blocked, but angioplasty fixed it. My dad has had various other health issues in the last 9 years, BUT he is still alive, and he is still mobile. And for that I am grateful. I feel blessed.
I only hope that he will live to walk me down the aisle, that he will get to see MY kids grow up- not just my brothers.

And then there is my grandma- my moms mom. That woman, WHOA, she impresses me. Today mom and I were signed up for a 5K run/walk. But mom is sick, so grandma went in her place. And this 81 year old woman not only kept pace with me but pushed me to my limit. She is the BEST run/walk partner ever. And now we are BOTH exhausted! I am just plain amazed and awed.

I love my family. I worry that the glue is getting either too hot and melting or too cold and becoming brittle, but I hope we can keep it somewhat together. I mean it makes sense that the relationships change- even familial relationships change. But it is hard. And I dont necessarily like it.

So heres to family, and being healthy and happy, and blessed!

Mylifeisg

Today was my half birthday. I am 20 and 1/2. I think people should celebrate half birthdays more often, no I didnt celebrate today, but I have celebrated my half birthday before.

I am in a happy place right now. I dont know how long it will last, but I am going to soak it up as long as I can. I have been reading the websites my life is average and my life is g. And my reaction is that MY life is good. I mean things arent perfect. But that is ok. I have a family that loves me (mostly- I think!). I have always had encouragement from the people around me, no matter what I have decided to pursue. AND...Basketball season is here!

But oddly enough, you know what I am MOST grateful for? I am not pregnant nor do I have any kids. I mean sure I WANT kids, definitely, I want to adopt even. But right now, I am 20, finding myself, and being selfish about that is GREAT! I am respectful to just about anyone around me but I dont HAVE to answer to anyone, not really. And I see people my age and younger, and sometimes even people who are older, and its like they never got to live out the selfish phase of life, and they try to live it as they are raising kids, and it just doesnt work.

I havent seen the Saint in a week, at least. Its easy not to care when I dont see him, but I am sure once I lay eyes on him again my silly heart will either race or beat right out of my chest. All I can do is breathe and know that there will be an end to this- eventually.

I havent talked to James since his birthday. And it feels good, believe it or not.

I may be slow at deciding to move on, but once I do, I move on really well. Being busy helps. And then there's Matt, my current rock. I dont know that he has changed my life, but rather he has simply been there for me, and that is nice. There isnt anything there, we've already been down that road. But its nice to have a good guy friend who isnt gay, not that I dont love my gay friends, but having a straight, good guy friend is wonderful.

So heres to being happy, and actually believing (for once) that I dont need a guy to be happier. I am in control of my life, and I can make things happen! Damn it feels GOOD! :)

Transparent

I feel transparent, like everyone sees through me, sees that I have a crush on him. Its tough, I dont WANT to be transparent. I already have enough insecurities.

I dont want to be the butt of jokes. I dont want to be the gossip. I really hope people dont think that I am that pitiful.

Tail lights

Yes, I'm avoiding my homework/studying. I can only read one chapter at a time. And I need to retain the information because I have a test tomorrow.
Anyway, I look out of the study lounge and I see a dark blue Ford Truck, and the tail lights are on, and they have been on for at least an hour. I seriously hope that the owner doesnt get a dead battery but at the same time I think that I would laugh if they did. Does that make me a terrible person?
I dont really have much to report today. Although the Saint walked into the caf tonight and he took me by surprise, I literally was *this* close to jumping when I saw him. Knee-jerk reaction, that I wish didnt happen. I wish that my knee-jerk reaction was smile and say hey. Although I think I would pay big bucks to see my facial expressions when I see him. Haha. Regardless, this came after having a dream about him last night- he needed a picture to do a project with, and I happened to have the picture that he needed. This, coming after a dream where I survived a terrorist attack, which strikes me as funny, and honestly, the terrorist attack dream, though I was taken hostage was not all that scary. Maybe if I am involved in a terrorist attack I might survive? Lets hope I dont get the first hand chance to find that out! :)
OH and dont you just LOVE people who get really angry when you interrupt their stories yet interrupt yours at the drop of a hat? Sooner or later I'm gonna blow up at them when they interrupt me. But NO god forbid I ever interrupt them. UGH. I definitely cannot WAIT for fall break. And then hopefully AFTER fall break I will be busy with stats, either volleyball, basketball, or whatnot.
I'm not saying that I totally hate my roommate, because I dont, and we get along- most of the time, but our differences are bigger than differences that I have had with previous roommates. And I find myself spending less and less time in my room. Sooner or later the only time I'm gonna be in my room will be the time that I am sleeping.

Anyway, heres to my big test week, and hoping that all my tests turn out ok. :)

What I want most

Yes, two postings in one day.

I sit here, and I feel blessed to have the life that I have. I know that I am better off than most people in the world- yes the world, but at the same time I do not actually have infinite resources. However, I get to go to college, I get to follow my dreams, even if they seem silly, no one has ever told me that I won't go far.
Think of the people who dont get to follow their dreams. I am talking not only about the children who arent wanted or the kids who are abused, but adults to- they have dreams too. I am talking not only about our neighbors in the poor parts of America, but the world. How often are we told of statistics from countries around the world where people arent educated, where they have to walk for miles a day just for water or where they cannot get any medical treatment.
Now, I am not a doctor, I dont ever want to be a doctor, but I am sure that somewhere in Africa there are children who want to be doctors, who want to be lawyers, who want to be SOMEBODY. And what are we doing for those kids? Those adults? We are trying to send aide there. But is that what we need to do, really?
My mom told me the other day that we dont necessarily need to send the aid but maybe we need to invest in Africa. The question is how?
Now, my mom is a smart woman, and I generally listen to her. So this whole investing in Africa has gotten me thinking.
So when I grow up, I want to be able to invest in Africa. I will find a way (I am after all an accounting major!) and I want to change the lives of people who want it. I wont push a religion on these people- because I am not religious. I think there need to be more non-religious people in the world doing good things abroad, I want to find a way to do that. And people may laugh at me, may think that I should work on the US, but really, honestly EVERY country needs investment, I just choose to invest in Africa- which I realize is a continent and not a country, but for some reason- I cant explain it totally, I feel compelled by Africa. I want to do something good for that continent. I mean after all, it IS where my mom spent half her childhood- and yes that is PART of why I want to deal with Africa, but at the same time I am not convinced that her childhood is the only reason!

So, heres to my BIG dreams. Not the small dreams that I will accomplish by the end of this year, but if I am lucky, I can achieve my big dreams sometime within the next 15 years!

A Whole New World

Its almost official. I am just a letter away from no longer being in a sorority, this is thrilling. I realize that some of these people won't like me because of my decision and I realize that I might make some enemies because I didnt fit into the sorority prototype- I mean I am pretty close, but I like to have my own thoughts and thats generally looked down upon. And honestly, I cannot wait! I do NOT have any ill will towards anyone in a sorority, but the Greek system has flaws, and they are flaws that I refuse to be a part of. I am me, I do not judge people based on knowing them for 3 days, sorry, I cannot do that- not in a public way anyway.

Breaking News:
I talked to both the Assistant Athletic Director of Transy and the Men's basketball coach and they have both told me that they would love for me to help with stats.
The Asst. AD said that he would put me in the rotation for working home games. He asked if I was willing to learn other sports, and being the person that I am, I said YES, of course! So I am learning about volleyball. And honestly the other people at the table don't really talk to me, BUT I am still having fun. I cannot wait for basketball season! The Asst. AD also told me that I was a godsend, and an Angel falling from heaven. It reminds me of a corny pick up line, but what can I say? I am getting involved with athletics and that is all I have wanted for the past year to year and a half. I am SO thrilled.
Then when I talked to the Coach, he said that there were times at away games that they got burned because they didnt have someone doing the books. And he could definitely use my help. At every away game, unless it was a non-doubleheader overnight game, and thats because he doesnt have the budget to get me my own room. But still, he said that he would take me to the games! I am gonna be on the bus, with the team! He wants to use me for scrimmages and practices too, I cannot WAIT! I mean, seriously I am willing to maybe even sacrifice my fall break in order to get this party started! HAHA.

As for other things in life. Sports has started to take over, and I couldnt be happier about that, I mean, you all know- or have at least read, I am a sports nut. And these developments have been AMAZING, in my eyes.
OH OH OH, and the other day after the volleyball game the Saint said "Whats up Jess" I about had a heartattack, I couldnt believe it, not only did he say hi to me, but he knows my name, and shortened it to my favorite nickname.
I love when guys call me Jess, but I will NEVER tell someone to call me Jess, its gotta be something that they come up with on their own.

Its time to learn how to take everything in without being SO emotionally affected. Its hard, its going to be one of my biggest challenges, but I think I am up to it. I mean maybe, if he says hi to me I am not so creepy. Maybe, just maybe we could be honest to goodness friends.
So, heres to hoping, and the whole new world of getting involved with athletics. I will keep you posted!

Oh, and as for that guy that I wrote about all summer? Yea, we are slowly maybe forming a friendship, but its not the main part of my life, and for that I am grateful. It amazes me just how much our moods and emotions can shift. People who stay on an even keel emotion wise, well I bow down to them, because I find that incredible difficult. :)

There's more to me than you

Jessica Andrews

Yesterday he talked to me, he talks to me almost once a week to once ever 10 days or so. Usually he starts with something about him like "I might be getting a new truck" or, in the case of last night "you know you love my new pictures." But to be honest when I saw that he uploaded pictures I made a hard, but conscious decision that I would hide all of his stuff from my news feed, so no I actually hadnt seen these pictures. And because I am not a bitchy person I didnt ignore him, but said nope I havent actually seen those pictures. So he told be about what they were and such, and I reacted slightly bitchy, sure, I guess part of it was because I felt like crap but more than anything I reacted in a bitchy way because I am so tired of only talking to him when HE feels like it, thats no way to live a life.
So after I got off, again, in a slightly bitchy way, and went to bed I spent the next 2 hours, yes 2 hours writing messages to him.
First I thought I would put the "I remember" on facebook, and tag him. But I am not THAT bitchy.
Then I thought I would just send it to him in a message.
And then I wanted to just say look, I am sorry I was short and terse with you tonight, but it would be nice if you sometimes just said "hey, hows it going?" Instead of starting a conversation with something about yourself.
I wanted to tell him that the reason behind my actions was because I realized that I deserved better, honestly, I HAVE been treated better in the weeks since he and I stopped really talking.
I wanted to tell him that I miss him, that I thought he and I had something real, but I have since seen two very different sides of him.
But I didnt say any of that.
I didnt say anything period.
I woke up and opened my facebook and he had written in the facebook chat that I wasnt me when I was sick. So he noticed. But he thinks its because I am sick that I act this way. He doesnt know that I'm just trying my hardest and that I am struggling to move on.
Part of me thinks that if I just spell it out for him he will understand. But most of me says that even if I spell it out for him he doesnt really care, so why bother?
Ah, the life we live is surrounded by the lives others live and you know, when lives come together and are so close that they are weaved together, thats great, but sometimes if the weave isn't perfect it makes for a hole, or a messy knot. And it is up to us to remember that those holes, those knots make for character in the tapestry of life, and we cant, and we shouldnt go back and fix it, because who wants something that is always perfect?
Here's to a messy tapestry of life, and learning how to keep those holes and knots from defining you but at the same time letting them show that your character has grown because of them.
I hope that makes some sort of sense! :)

Something to think about

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Sometimes a life is taken away before it is fully lived. Thus, heres to living the life that we have, while we still have it.

I went to school with 2 of the 3 guys in this article.

All the Single Ladies

(Beyonce)- Its just what is stuck in my head at the moment!

There's this thing called life, and it has good days and bad days. Day where you want to cry and days where everything is perfect, and sometimes those days happen consecutively.
The point is there IS a tomorrow. Though that tomorrow isnt what you should life BY, its what you should live for. IN other words- dont waste your days waiting for that better tomorrow, live the stressful days, the ones where you just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. Because its those hard days that help us deal with other hard days. Its the knowledge that the bad days will at some point take a break and we will have a good day.
And it doesnt have to be a completely wonderful day, in order for you to be happy. You can even have moments of happiness on a bad day.

So heres to pushing through the tough parts, living them, but believing that something better will happen at some point!

Cry me a river

By Justin Timberlake (yup, haha)

So after a summer saying that it would be really nice to have a guy who would just tell me if he was busy and couldnt talk, I got just that.
Let me explain.
There were times when James wouldnt talk to me, and he said that he was busy and not ignoring me but I never knew when those times would be- so how was I supposed to know not to talk to him? All it would have taken was a text saying "hey, sorry I cant talk right now" and I would have been fine, I would have not worried, I would have not texted, things would have been wonderful. However, he never gave me such a response.

Good riddance to him.

Moving on. I have this friend, someone who is turning into a great friend. OK so today I texted said friend with a "hey amigo" and then later I got "hey sorry im workin today cant really talk" and I smiled, and danced and told anyone who would listen to me because FINALLY someone got it.

Now, it isnt likely that this person and I will turn into anything more than just friends, but I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to have someone get it.
This person, yes its Matt, has been a cheerleader for me lately, being an ear if I need to vent and just plain one of the best friends a girl could ask for! :)

Here's to having someone there to help you realize that what you want isnt nuts. To having someone who understands, even if it is a subconscious act on their part!

All things, my friends, come to an end, the good and bad, the happy and sad, and the trials and tribulations, so smile, put on your brave face and sooner or later your brave face will morph into your happy face without you having to arrange it that way! :)

Dreaming

It might not be the best situation, but I have met the man of my dreams. Literally, I dreamt about him just last night. But in actual reality I've known him for I guess about a year and a half or just a little bit more.

It started when I watched him play, I've said it before and I will say it again- I have never seen someone play with such passion, and that is what drew me in.
I cant seem to get him out of my head, and almost everytime I think of him he appears. whether he walks into the caf, or appears online on facebooke or whatever, he just randomly shows up.
My only problem? I seem to be tongue-tied everytime I see him. It sucks. What I wouldnt give to have a conversation with him.
I think he knows that I exist, but I want more than that!

I would tell you his name, but I know that at least one random person at Transy has read this blog before and I wouldnt want to give TOO much away! :)

I wish for basketball season to be here, not just because I love the game, but it would mean being able to watch him play once again, and talking with his grandparents, who I adore!

So today heres to wishing that dreams came true, and the slim chance that anything could happen!

I remember

I remember the party, and seeing something in your eyes that I had never seen before
I remember the night I ran back to the room, the night that my grandma's boyfriend had died, and I was depressed, you made me laugh, even when the very next emotion was sadness with tears.
I remember going to walmart in the middle of the night and playing "never have i ever"
I remember not getting properly scared.
I remember that my dad liked you and trusted you, which made me think somehow this was different
I remember making lots of plans that never got carried through
I remember you talking to my sister-in-law and telling her why you were scared of "us"
I remember my brother saying that guys are just weird sometimes and thinking it wasnt a big deal.
I remember not wanting to be needy, and really trying hard to not care so much.
I remember laughing and hugging
I remember my innocence and how important it turned out to be.
I remember everyone saying that we were good for each other- actually they still do.
I remember needing a break, and you telling me that it wouldnt be the last time that we would talk.
I remember smiling because I never cried for you or over you, and to me that was a big deal.
I remember your plans for moving to Tennessee and how big of a deal that was.
I remember you asking me to trust you, because you hadnt left me.
I remember meeting you 6 months ago today.
I remember you.
One thing that I dont remember... you staying, like you said you would.

Heres to finding the will and the way to move on. Damnit! :)

Emotionally Desperate

I was talking to a friend last night and trying to work through some things and I said something to the effect of that I am emotionally desperate, and she agreed. So I asked her to elaborate, and this is what she said:

well.... first there was dylan, and all the emotional trauma that came w/ that, and then there was james, and E V E R Y T H I N G that went/is going with that... and you're struggling with your brothers and your parents, and your job and the car..... you have a lot on your mind. Having a boy you can entrust your thoughts and feelings into is a big deal. Girlfriends can only do so much, can only go to a certain level.

And you know, she is exactly right. This is something that I havent been able to articulate, but because she has heard all of it she did.

So whats next for me?
Good question, I dont think that anything will change, persay.
No, I will just dig down a little deeper and work on being just me.
I sometimes feel very needy and I dont want to be so needy, so working on independence, so to speak will be good.
Another thing that I need to do is to remove the idea that I am creepy, because really, as I've been told I'm NOT creepy. I feel like I come off as the "creepy girl that sits in the middle at every game and takes stats" but friends and family say that the guys probably dont really care all that much, and if anything they like having a dedicated fan.
So yea, I may not hang out with the basketball players, or the baseball players or the soccer players, so maybe I'm just a silent fan, ok I'm not that silent, but still. A fan that shows up for the games and doesnt expect to hang out afterwards. Is that a good thing or no? I dont know, but it is just a part of who I am, so maybe, it doesnt really matter.

Today, heres to the Big Blue (UK is playing UL in football) and embracing who I am, without thinking of myself as creepy!

It amazes me

Less than 2 years ago, I laid eyes on him at a basketball game, and when I see him I still get butterflies.
If we make eye contact my heart alternates between skipping a beat and beating right out of my chest.
I've never really had much of a conversation with him.
And yet, he still has this effect on me... I dont understand.
But thats life.

Two years later.

It has now been two years since my grandma passed away.
Last year I wrote that I was living so that she would be proud of me, and I still stand by that statement. I remember last year on the anniversary of her death it was a pretty rainy nasty day, and instead of being annoyed by the rain, I celebrated it, I remember smiling and dancing in the rain, and I DONT do that often!
So today was a beautiful day, and my grandma was on my mind the whole day. I started the day by walking to the farmers market and buying local produce, and then I talked to some friends and then I went to the park and sat outside while doing homework, just enjoying the day. After that I bought some books to read for fun and went to Panera for some sweet tea. At Panera I ran into an old friend and so I chatted with her for a while. By this time it was dinner time. After dinner we went played buzzword and goofed around, and now, as I sit back, I think of today as the perfect day. I got some work done and I got to just enjoy the day. Nothing could have made it a better day.
Todays motto was to LIVE life, to enjoy the world around me. I know that I want to live life with no abandon and if I am scarred by hurt or anger, life isnt going to be good. So dont dwell on the bad things, look forward to each new day, each new beginning. And go out with a bang. Live a life that people will want to CELEBRATE once you are gone and not mourn. Because if they mourn too much for you, then they cant live their lives, and thats not a good situation.

So Grandma, once again this day is dedicated to you. I remembered you, as I always do, and I think you would still be proud of me. I love you and I miss you, but I am still alive and so heres to living MY life! :)

Sharing some analogies

The first one. A friend asked me what it was like to be in a plane. And this is what I said:
Being in a plane is like being in a rollercoaster and driving a car at the same time. It is noisy but you can see the world around you. And then theres the turbulance, it will make your stomach drop and take your breath away. But that is my favorite part, the turbulance. That, and the clouds. When you are in a plane its like the clouds are the ground and you are floating on an invisible ocean on top or in between the layers. I always want to reach my hands out and grab some of the cloud. Just because its right there. I always day dream of laying on a cloud and watching as the world goes by. Being in a plane for me is the most natural, most soothing thing in the world. It is where I am at my most peaceful.

As for the second analogy.
Life is like a song. Not necessarily a song with lyrics but the instrumental part of a song.
For a song, it needs all the elements of music before it sounds right, before it can come together. Life needs lots of key elements too.
But once the elements are together there is a great song, just as every life has a story.
So the song will start out with something simple, maybe one instrument, but then it gets more complicated which is what reflects the hard parts of life, and in between the addition of the instruments and the changing of the tempo you get a feel for how a life story is going to flow, there are some things that are predictable but just when you get comfortable the music changes again, maybe there is another instrument added, maybe one is gone, but nonetheless instruments, like people throughout our lives, will come and go. And then something will happen, it doesnt have to be loud, or big, but something will happen, and the song will come to a close, and right before the song ends, it becomes less complicated- its like a death, whether peaceful, with loved ones, or with the resounding crash of a disaster.

So heres to the love of flying, and finding your own life's song!

A Glutton for Punishment

Sitting here, minding my business on my computer and he says something to me on facebook chat. Longshanks. Who on Sunday didnt know who I was because he had gotten a new phone and didnt transfer my number over, or whatever. But he talked to me. I'd like to think that we are friends. Maybe? Possibly? Could it be? I hope so. But does that make me a sucker. I mean yes, I responded to him, because I'm not rude. Only once have I not responded to something that he said, I'm just not a petty person, I cant help it, I dont like ignoring people. But maybe hes just stringing me on, I really shouldnt get my hopes up. I'll just end up disappointed. Its happened everytime before, so why not now? I really can convince myself that this time its different, but it doesnt matter if I think its different, what matters is if it really IS different, and THAT is unlikely.
So heres to trying to detach my emotions from this boy. If he wants to stay in contact, I can try that. It will only be a lesson for next time, one way or another!

Its amazing, being written out of someones life

Sometimes it hurts, sometimes its a good thing, and then there are times that it just plain takes you by surprise. And sometimes, being deleted out of someones life is good and sad all at the same time. ,
Why do we set ourselves up to be let down over and over again? Seriously do we NOT learn our lesson the first time or do we just really hope that the person has changed THAT much?

To do something I talked about previously...
Longshanks: This is for you. Thank you for being a friend when I needed one so bad. Thank you for being the support, and thank you for courting me, so to speak. Maybe it wasnt our time, and for a long time I really did just think that it was bad timing, But then again maybe its just the way life is supposed to be, you my friend are very suave with the words, but really suck at following through. Yes, I should be over you, over this, but you did mean a lot to me, and I am not over you, or over this. I will work harder, and maybe it will get better. Hopefully it will get better. Happy life to you, I will always care, but I dont have to keep setting myself up for failure. So good life to you!

Here's to good friends, good booze and the hope that I WILL find someone, someday who might actually treat me well. (yes I got that from white horse by Taylor Swift.)

Things People Say.

Lady Antebellum.

I want to write letters to some of the people in my life, almost like those Senior wills that we have in high school, but I just dont know where to start. I am really good at coming up with what I want to say as I am drifting off to bed, and no, I dont sleep with a computer right by my head so as to quickly jot those thoughts down, however I have installed some paper and a pen near my bed so that I can try that.
People I would write letters to:
Long Shanks- a letter of thanks more than anything else.
Boots- this letter would have all kinds of information
TPB- another letter of thanks
ok, so those are the main people, there was someone else, but I have forgotten.

In other news.

I made a connection, or rather a reconnection. The one and only boy that I have actually dated, and called my boyfriend is back in my life. And he is almost exactly how I remember him. Theres s much that is different though, but yet it is all still the same. He always was real with me, and he is still. He always liked contact, and that hasnt changed either, not only do we text a lot but also we have a running facebook conversation going on and it is fun. Its been a long time since I have had a guy friend from high school, who knows some of my history, and reconnected with them in this next chapter of my life. Its weird but at the same time wonderful.
He makes me smile and hes really a nice guy. I am glad that he doesnt remember that I treated him badly because I seriously thought that I broke this guys heart and that I treated him horribly. He asked me the other day details about our relationship- really just how long we dated and why we broke up. But I dont know many guys that would ask those questions and REALLY listen to the answers. He did.
I am such a detail person I shared more than he asked for and his response was that some people just remember details better. He didnt that it was creepy. It is reassurance from him as well as the others in my life that I am realizing maybe I'm not quite as creepy as I see myself as. I just hope that I DONT cross that line! lol.

And then theres going through emotions. haha. I think about reactions, some that just happen, whether its anger or sadness or what but geez I feel like I am an emotional roller coaster, and it isnt really necessary! So heres to becoming more even keel in the emotions department! HAHA. We will see how that goes. And sometimes I feel as if I am complaining TOO much about what I am going through, and I feel bad, but at the same time, I am an open book and I dont hide much. But I need to work on not complaining soo much! (But then again, maybe its one of those perception things too)

You know, in life there are people out there who dont always do what they say they are gonna do, I am not one of those people, and then I feel bad when I cant deliver what people ask of me. But I have to learn not to be used, to stand up for myself, while still helping those around me.

So heres to the people who have helped me, the people who have taught me lessons, not being so emotional and always doing what one says.

What do you do when the world starts to slip away?

First, I found out Sunday that a classmate of mine from high school was killed in a car wreck. He wasnt driving but his cousin was, and well its thought that they had probably been drinking. This guy, though I probably didnt ever really exchange words with him was the popular, jock that the whole school adored. So when you are roughly 1500 miles away and you find something like this out, it wrenches your heart. I know almost exactly what they are feeling, and as one person said, this is gonna be a sad high school reunion that has happened all too soon. Therefore, though I cannot be there and I might seem aloof, my heart aches for the Smith family and all of my friends that are having to go through this.

Second, I have just recently been in contact with my ex-boyfriend, the only one that I've really had. And its been fun, we joke around and make fun of each other so much and it feels great. Its been almost 4 years since we dated, and a little more than 2 since we've hung out, but in that time i think and hope that we have both grown up, so that we CAN be friends, and who knows maybe later something more, but thats counting my chickens before they hatch, and I've been really working at NOT doing that! Regardless, talking to this boy has been a great refreshing experience.
I dont know where this is going, but it makes ignoring James a little easier. Wait, ignoring is not a good word, I made a list of things that I should do on my way to New England this past Saturday, and they were 1. Not talking to James for a week, just to take a break, if I want, first thing Monday I can text him. 2. I had to be upfront with Matt, and I have accomplished that. 3. Dealt with finding a new car and 4. Dealt with school. Anyway, moving right along.
My thoughts are running around multiple things, and I feel kind of peaceful. Amazing, no?! Eh, I have a feeling it wont last for long.
There is more that I want to put on but cant find the words.

In other news, it was discovered today that the other day when mom, grandma and I stopped somewhere to hike up just a little bit, that we were in fact hiking on the Appalachian Trail, amazing no? I want to do more. I find that though I like being in contact with the world, I also like hiking and would even like to go backpacking at some point, so maybe I should start with getting into it slowly, with like the Sierra Club or something?!

So here's to new experiences, and going for something that one has always wanted to do.

One Day You Will.

Lady Antebellum

It happens. One day you are so agast over this boy, things arent going anywhere and you are SOO hung up on him (happens to me all the time) but at some point my body takes over, and tells both my head and heart that its time to move on.

So its time to move on.

This one wasnt the one for me, neither was the last one, or the one before that. And why the hell am I looking for 'the one' you ask? Well because although I have grand ideas and grand plans, the fact of the matter is that I will probably marry the first guy that I ever have a lasting relationship with. Again you ask why? Because call it a curse or a blessing, but I havent had a relationship with any guy, or at least a long one, and you know why? because theres been ONE ITTY BITTY LITTLE thing that holds me back, and it turns out that LITTLE thing saved me a lot of heartache.

So I am back to being me, the strong me.

I can and have gotten through all the hurdles thrown at me thus far, so I can keep going, and slowly but surely I feel the confidence building, maybe I'm not the creeper that I always think that people might perceive me as. Maybe just maybe someone will see me, the real me.

Maybe someday I will be at the summer party that my family has with this person. And you know what? He is going to have to convince at least 40 people that hes genuine, and thats ok, and he will. And afterwards he will hold my hand and open the car door for me, and we will go home- together. This my friends, is my current dream.

Fight Like a Girl

by Bomshel.

Every day is a new day. Every day, I think of you less.
Every day, I still want you more.

Why is it that your best friend talks to me more than you do.
What about that apartment on THAT night made me SO interesting?
I mean seriously, I didnt want three guys to be attracted to me, I wanted/ still want ONE guy to want a relationship with me.

My head knows whats good, my head wants to let go, but unfortunately my heart has other ideas, its still holding tight.