They say time heals all wounds.

And so my J wound is healing.

Its not perfect, because life isnt perfect, there are some ragged edges still left to smooth over, but for the most part the tear in my heart from that J person is slowly healing. 

Like any wound to the flesh, Ive had to cut off the dead parts and let the good parts come together and heal. Plain and simple: heal. 

If you arent someone who prescribes to that form of imagery let me explain. 

Its like our relationship was a tv series that was finished at the climax which lead to a cliffhanger. The big kiss and then: will they or wont they. But thats when the show was ripped off the air. There was no resolution, some half promises from network executives and some big blow up in the tabloids but really the poor tv show was done.
I was listening to some Lady Antebellum tonight, which kind of always prompts thoughts of J. And when I was thinking of him, I realized that the force of memories isnt so painful. That while the really great memories are somewhat lost in the cloud that is J, they are there and they will emerge as I need them.

On the other hand.. I love my life situation as it is now... for the most part. I love being able to see my family whenever, I love my job, and the people that I work with, my life, its just starting. I am lucky, so lucky to be where I am today, and I am grateful for all the gifts throughout my life. Having said all this, my biggest hope now is to 1. stay at the firm where I work now and 2. own my own house by my 25th birthday- I've got just more than 2 years.

One last piece of business... for those of you who might read this on a regular basis, this is your only warning that I will likely be going off the social networking grid for a few weeks, who knows I might get a wild hair and limit more than just my social networking. It didnt seem fair to not warn anyone, so this, this is your warning, and if you dont see it, not my problem. Love you all! 

Life and Death

My Uncle passed away in the wee hours of the morning yesterday morning. He was just 65 years old, had literally just had cataract surgery done and was so excited that he could finally see the tv without having to wear glasses for the first time since he was 15. And while the actual death was sudden, it wasnt totally a shock. But regardless, its death, and its somewhat harrowing- no matter how many times you've had to deal with it.
Yesterday was hard for me. I got the news about his passing at 2:30 am. At 6:30 I was up and by 8 I was at work. I had my crap pulled together but I was literally shaking, and I was only going through the motions of work. By 8:30 someone asked me if I was ok- which was my undoing- because I wasnt ok, and I am not exactly the best emotional actress. I lost it, and anyone who saw me, saw that I had lost it... I spent the entire day working to keep from crying. And then when I got home, I just cried... let out as much as I could. That helped... obviously what I needed was just to let go, let myself cry, and be done with it all.

I dont think I ever really gave myself permission to mourn for my grandma when she passed 4 and a half years ago.And considering this was her son, I think I took it extra hard. When grandma died I was still transitioning from home to Transy and I had all these new people that I didnt REALLY know, and who didnt REALLY know me. What was I supposed to do, sit there and cry in the cafeteria? No thanks. I remember telling these new people and then just going up to my room and not even really crying, but sitting there like a lost puppy. What was I supposed to do, who was I supposed to tell?

As the week has progressed (as I write this part of the post its Thursday evening- and I started the post on Wednesday) I have noticed my demeanor and attitude and my environment. Tuesday I was a wreck, I pulled it together most of the day while I was at work, but really, I was a wreck. Wednesday I had compartmentalized it and went to work to do my job and be with those people and everything went well- I even cracked a joke about his death I told someone he just keeled over. After work, my brother and his family came over and the girls wanted to play the game of Life, so thats what we did. It was entertaining and soothing to just be with family. After the game was over we sat around and told stories, and it was an easy, nice banter. Today, Thursday I had my 4th CPA exam. So I got up, went and took it, then took my car to get an oil change and the tires rotated and balanced and then spent the rest of the day at home- kind of doing nothing, well except taxes. I did my taxes today! Tomorrow is the visitation and funeral and then people are coming to our house afterwards. And while I appreciate the gathering of family and maybe some close friends, really, I want nothing more than to come home and be alone.

Being alone, that brings up whole other issues in life, because to me, being alone is both comforting and terrifying. I like not having to answer to anyone, not having to entertain anyone, just being responsible for me. But when something like this happens, I want someone to be the shoulder for me to cry one. The strong presence in my life, someone to make sure I dont fall onto my knees in a big, muddy puddle. And I dont have that, the only person that keeps me upright is me. My brother said that the after funeral gathering is just family hanging out, but what he doesnt know is that being with family for me, is so lonesome. When family is around I am surrounded by people who love each other (and me) and who are paired off. And yes, I know they love me and support me but they have their own individual units that they have to take care of- I dont fit into any one of those units, not really, not anymore. I would rather be by myself tomorrow after the funeral than be alone in a house full of people. I know, thats selfish- and thats also why I said nothing about the proposal, but I may have to run away at some point.

And then, not related to death at all, not really... is my job. I love my job. I love the location, the size, the work, but most of all I love the people. They are my current biggest support system. I feel them holding me up, helping me stay on my feet, and that, thats the best gift that anyone could give me right now. Well, support or flowers because for some reason I really want flowers- even though I know they are a longshot- a girl can dream, right?!

In closing: I hope you all take an extra minute or two to be thankful for your blessings, I hope you can acknowledge the things that trouble you- whatever they may be, and I hope that you keep your strength through all of life's curve balls.

One last thing: hug someone. You can get all the air hugs and virtual hugs in the world, but they dont compare to the real thing- to having the support, even if its momentary from someone else.

Goodnight everyone.

Less than stellar

In many of my  "remembering when" times dealing with that J person I remember the good things and overlook the bad things- shame one me.
Tonight, I remember both, but more the bad things. Yea, yea, I can hear the cheers now from those who may be reading this. That and the exclamations of "FINALLY".
So here goes. While I still remember the good times and would love to live every moment of my romantic life the way that I lived those moments, there were times, and they happened more frequently than not when I was frustrated with J. Seriously. I didnt know what to do, say or think because of the things that he said or the way that he said those things. Life was just so confusing when we werent face to face, and I didnt deserve that.
As per my usual with this J person, a Lady Antebellum song can sum it up pretty well
"Not knowing in that moment we'd never speak again but it was perfect; I never will forget when we owned the night."
So its not completely true to my story, but thats because it isnt my story. But substitute speak for see each other and its perfect. Though technically I suppose the argument could be made that I might see him again some day.
You know, the only thing that we ever got right was the face to face meetings, talkings, and interactions. The rest of it, which was in fact about 90 percent of our relationship, or lack thereof, was via texting or the occasional phone call.
He told me that I calmed him down. He told me that I didnt know the effect that I had on him. But he could never tell me how I calmed him down or what the effect that I had on him was. All I got out of him was half truths, lots of ifs, ands and buts, and no real substance. You would think that if someone meant that much to them you would fight more to keep them in your life. And I could be totally reaching the wrong conclusion here, BUT, in many aspects I got the impression that he didnt feel like he was good enough for me. I have two "answers" for that: 1. Isn't it MY decision who I am too good for and who I'm not? Have you not seen my parents. My mom graduated from an ivy league college and my dad didnt even finish college. and 2. Seems to me that when you are friends with someone who you feel is too good for you, you do everything in your power to keep that friendship alive, because maybe just maybe they need someone like you in their life.  Its not to give them an ego boost, but to give yourself one, because if they continue to be your friend that means that you may be better than you think you are.
Back to the original subject:
When you have a sucky non-person-to-person relationship that face-to-face time is going to take a beating and perhaps get overshadowed by the other crap. And while that wasnt exactly the case for me- because no matter what the idiot did I wanted to see him just one more time.
I think I can count the number of times that I saw him on my fingers and some toes (party March 20, movie Fast And Furious, TSC taking K, my birthday 4/22-23, end of school 5-19/20, wedding 6-6, April trip to TSC, week before birthday 9-30, birthday 10-7, TSC Nich.- 3-4 times 1 for event, 1 with nieces, and maybe 1-2 more, and then May 26th- The Kiss) Thats it, that is every time that I have seen the guy, and yet I spent 2 YEARS wanting him in my life more, wanting him to want me, wanting a real relationship with him. In those 2 years I saw him through work issues, a bad girlfriend, the birth of Nephews, a car wreck and various other things.
And in an effort to be fair, he saw me through a few things too, mostly, my insecurities.
This is the moment where I am sad that the friendship we had through March-June 2009 is gone. Because during that time, he was a great friend to me. Things then heated up so to speak and we- yes we- didnt handle them well... unless we were in the same place at the same time, which almost never happened.
Am I glad that "we owned the night"? Yes.  Would I change the experiences and the way that they have helped to change me? No. Do I want to start that process all over again, talk to him? No. But do I wish that we had a friendship that stood the tale of time? Yes.
I dont know where my life will take me from here, and thats ok, I dont need to know.
What I do know is that the mistakes that I made, the insecurities that I had, they were building blocks for the lessons that I learned.
And in the end, it doesnt even matter.
In the end, this moment, I am happier than I have ever been in life, and it has nothing to do with a boy or man.
In this moment,  I am happy because I am on the right track to live my dream. A dream that developed as I did. And will continue to develop, I am sure.
Now, to convince some person to send flowers to me.... haha, perhaps that a challenge for a different day.
Goodnight world- remember your blessings.

New Year, new me? *updated*

It was unintentional. I didnt make a resolution. And its not like I flipped a switch and BAM it was different. But I have realized over the last couple of weeks that there have been a lot of changes in my life. And suddenly May isn't as magical in my mind as I made it out to be for the last 7 or so months. No, this is MY time.
Here are some of the changes that I have done:
-changed my name (on fb)
-changed my hair
-changed my job
-drove to Lex in the dark, by myself, for the first time, ever
-changed my mindset
-changed my life.
Unfortunately I have no control over my heart, but thats ok, I dont think much more change would go over well.
Let me explain.

Professionally I decided to go by my full given name. And then I decided that I might want to be "friends" with my co-workers but "ie" was less professional than "ica" so I made it fb official. The funny thing is that I went back to Transy the other night for a basketball game, and people called me "ie" and I was like, "what? who are you talking about?" I find it super amusing. On the other hand introducing myself as "ica" rather than "ie" is SUPER strange. Funny huh? (I thought so).

In October I went from brunette to redhead, it was amazing. I felt different as a redhead, bold, dangerous. But then I got a job, and my roots were starting to show, so I went back to brunette but it didnt totally cover the red, and so now I just feel secretly dangerous. I love it. And I told myself that I can be a seasonal redhead/brunette. Tax season= brunette (more professional)  and summer/fall= redhead (fun-loving!) haha.

I graduated in May, I had the degree. That college degree that everyone says you need to land a job, and I had no job. No bites even, until September. Then 3 interviews. Then nothing. Til December. Then 2 job offers in 2 days and THEN the ok to be a substitute teacher. Talk about living in the fast lane. I always said I didnt have to accept the first offer, and that was true. I didnt have to accept it, but the first offer came from the firm that I wanted to work at. The one that I had decided in September was the place for me. I've been there 3 weeks now, and I love it. I love the people and I love the work. Hopefully tax season will be a positive experience.

I have been asked back to Transy to serve as the official bookkeeper for a game and so I went to a game to  make sure I knew all the things that I would need to know. One coach greeted me with a hug, another, with a great hand shake and surprise on his face. They won, which puts them 11-1. And it was wonderful, but the price that I paid for such happiness was dealing with the drive home, in the dark, by myself; something I had never done before. There was nothing special about the drive, other than it was something that I actively avoided while I was at Transy.

As for my mindset and my life... its every little change that makes a bigger difference. I feel that, deep in my bones and therefore I believe it.

But then, comes my heart. My feelings ebb and flow, they dismiss *that person* and then they pine away for him like nothing good will ever happen to me. Its just life, it will get better, I am and will be happy. I know this, but do you know how I know this? Because of that stretch from May-December. Life sucked then. Life, in general, rocks now. And while I could drop dead tomorrow, I dont think my story is done. There's still a lot of tread left on my tires even if sometimes I feel like I'm just along for the ride! :)
Enjoy, loves.

*Update*
What I forgot to mention the other day was my room! I painted not one but two new colors... and I started the process in September, I think... but I finished painting the last wall Jan 8... you know 3 months later! :)
Anyway, my point is that I've made a lot of interesting changes in my life and though they weren't necessarily planned as momentous changes, they kind of turned out that way, and I'm not complaining, not one bit.
Life is good.

I (accidentally) set myself up for this...

There are these books that I am addicted to... they are sweet, country and everything that won't happen in real life. Well, I finished one last night. Right before bed... right after I watched Mamma Mia- this is where I am glad I decided on Mamma Mia instead of Sweet Home Alabama. 

Putting all the sweet, strong helpful country man thoughts in my head on top of the Greek weeding thoughts. And then drawing parallels between myself and Meryl Streep- Donna- in the movie... I have my Harry Bright (Andrew) and John Anderson (James- because of spontaneity) but I need my Sam Carmichael. Well, all this set me up for some very interesting dreams- or was it all one big dream? I don't know, but here goes. 

And forgive me because I only remember pieces. 

In the dream I was reading one of my books (they are Christian romances... much better than REAL romance novels) and I was at my lunch break from work. I was literally sitting on a bench at the corner of Ring Road and that road that the mall is on. And across the street from me was Tractor Supply- which, funny enough is where Tractor Supply really is, though the rest of the scenery didnt really fit with the E-town TSC. So back to the dream, I look up from my book and see J working and I'm filled with sadness, but something else catches my eye... gangsters. They do something bad, and I witness it and then they realize that I've witnessed it so they come over to beat me up- they want to rape me. And I remember in the midst of all this that I look over to TSC again and J is gone. I think to myself- "Figures, this guy couldnt love me so why would he save me?" But somehow I convince the gangsters that I'm not going to talk that I didnt see anything and that beating me up would only cause them more trouble and they leave me alone. I go back to work, sad. But as I leave I look back to where I had been sitting and J is having words with the gangsters. Again I think to myself "Being a hero when I've already saved myself does no good, James." 

Next scene. We are IN the E-town TSC- which I've never been in in real life- and we are with the Girl Scouts and this place has all the normal TSC stuff but then it has lots of extras. And the best thing about the Tractor Supply of my dreams was that it had all kinds of loose animals walking through the store. Yep, there were horses, cows, dogs, cats, but there was also a camel- that decided that it was going to be my friend and follow me around (much to my delight), a brown bear- sleeping in a hammock, a giraffe, sheep, goats and lots of other random animals. The girls were allowed to pick out one small thing to buy so as one of the adults I was going around and helping them pick things out. I found a nice charm bracelet which had a basketball hoop, a basketball and a soccer ball, it was perfect for me, until I picked it up and it had various other things attached to it that didnt describe me. So I put it down. And started looking at other things, fully expecting the boots against the tile floor and keys to hint at someone's approach. But I happened to glance down at the floor and realized it was hardwood floor, not tile floor and so boots would sound different. It was a bittersweet realization. 

Obviously I hold on to things super tight until I just let it go. I think this is the start of process of letting go- even though I havent talked to him since September. 

But the last dream was the most bittersweet: 

It was at TSC again... J was there and we were kind of actively avoiding each other, until a customer made him come into the aisle that I was in. After he helped the customer he grabbed my arm and pulled me outside. He said "I'm sorry I hurt you but you were right: I wasn't ready for someone like you." he then bent down to kiss me and walked away. I walked out, to a bright, wonderful day. And that was that. 

As much as I was having a bad J day in early December, I am having the opposite today. That day I was just unhappy and bringing him into my pain was second nature and it worked- I was more unhappy and focused on him instead of everything else in my life. 

Today, I am happy. I have a job, a paycheck and everyone at my job is amazing in their own way. I love them all, already and I've only worked 8 days. I have been invited out with the girls and I joke around with one of the guys, who I think will be a buddy. I ask for work and I am given lots of random tasks that make me feel useful. I have a happy place now, this is my happy place, this moment in my life. He isn't a part of it. No guy is, this is MY time, the time to be selfish and do whatever I want with my life. I also have a whole lot of great friends, each of them is there when I need them and I miss them dearly. I need a reunion.(hmm...) Everything has its time: this is my time to learn, to grow and to love each day. No need to be sad, unhappy and needy. :)

Bad J Day.

Do you have a person in your life that tells you too much about the woes that they are having with someone? Not just anyone but theres that one person in their life that ruins everything and then they pass it on by telling you how this person ruined everything, and you want to be supportive but god you dont want to listen anymore? 

OK. Now is when you just stop reading this post- because I am about to become that person! 

The good news, though is that if you DONT stop reading this post, you dont have to respond to me in any way. 

So really, its win-win: I get to let my feelings out and you can be supportive while rolling your eyes in the comfort of your own home. 

Here goes:

Today I was at TSC and I was looking for something for my mom and I hear keys jingling as someone is walking. I freeze. J isn't here, he cant be- I know this, and I still freeze and locate the person who is wearing the jingle keys- some random black guy. Shew, crisis averted. But then as I am walking through the aisles I here some boots scuffing the floor- you are rolling your eyes arent you. Again, I freeze- holding my breath- logically I KNOW hes not in this store, hes 80 miles away in a different store- if he's even working today. But I cannot help those reactions, they are simply automatic. Why, you ask? Because the times that I have seen him at work his boots and or keys have announced his approach. 

Universe, I get it, I'm obviously not over this person yet. I guess I just keep on keeping on. But thinking doesnt help, because I think of the good, fun times we had. I know, I know, dont text him, dont message him. I get it. And I'm not going to text or message him- but that doesnt mean I dont WANT to. No, today I've been re-living every good moment that we had together- though I know they dont erase the not so good times. 

Sigh. 

May 19th 2009 started it all. June 6th 2009 was good, So was Oct 8, 2010. But the most perfect was May 26th 2011. And I wouldnt change the experience. It had its ups and downs and apparently it ran its course. 

So here's my take-away message.... Its gonna take time, and I know this, thanks to my history- Timmy B anyone? That only took 8 years to get over. Again, the point is that it might take time, but I am allowed to be happy, sad, etc. I just have to remember that I also still have a life to live. And no memory is more important than a full life. Sure, you can have moments of memories- because memories are important too... but you gotta keep making new memories which means you gotta be present in your life. 

Late night resolve

It might be just me but sometimes, usually as I am going to bed, I make a decision  that solves a problem of mine. An example would be all those late night blog posts about confronting people, but then I rarely actually follow through. What sounds good and proactive as I am going to sleep is just plain scary when I wake up the next morning. Often I think through tough situations and come to a conclusion that seems reasonable, something like "I will say this thing to this person because they hurt me and I need to stand up for myself" but the next morning my resolve is completely gone and I never say what I wanted to say. Maybe its all just a mental game.
Sometimes, I mentally thank various guys that have been in my life and are now gone.
Sometimes, I scream and yell at guys who confuse me.
 And here's where the blog comes in- most of my blog rants fit in the category of guys, right? And often I say things that I cannot say in person, correct? See, its all my late night resolve.

Tonight's late night resolve is about my life in general and the changes that I want to make. See, since graduation and before I got the job I felt like I was in a holding pattern. Just being there day to day, and I dont want to do that anymore. I want to live, succeed, thrive.
I remember in high school, I would get up early- like 5:30- I left the house at 6:30- and I would just enjoy the quiet of the house. I would exercise or watch the news, and then I got to start my day. But no one else in the house was up. I loved that, and I think that it might make a comeback. See, 1 week from tomorrow I start my new job. I gotta be there at 8 which means leaving the house at 7:30, at least theoretically- gotta test the woes of traffic to be sure.
Back to the resolve. Its time to carve out moments for myself in my day- not days for myself. And I have decided that the morning is the perfect time to do it. If I wake up at 6:30 perhaps I can do a little work out, shower and be ready. I gotta be careful though, because my mom wakes up early too, and I dont want her in my business in the mornings.
I've also decided that the morning is the time to do some exercising. If I am going to make it a part of my day, better do it at the beginning of the day so that I can feel good for the whole day! Getting up early though, is going to mean an earlier bedtime.
And since I dont want to shock my body too much in one fell swoop, I am going to bed now! And waking up earlier! Going to wean myself off of my extra sleep. Get 8 hours and do it in a better schedule.
Goodnight friends!

Thanksgiving.... 2 weeks late

I don't even remember if I posted about not being very thankful on Thanksgiving. But I wasn't. In fact, I was a gross human who was simply living. Someone who wasnt thankful for even the roof over her head. I am so ashamed of my Thanksgiving behavior.
And maybe someone or something else was ashamed too. Though, instead of putting me in my place and taking things away from me, I was given a wonderful gift- or 2000.
I got the call this past Monday about a job. Its more of an intern like position, as far as I can tell, but its a foot in the door, experience and a pay check!
This job offer, as well as the offer that I got on Tuesday made me appreciate my life in a way that I had been missing.
It wasn't just me who made myself who I am today, it was the effort and influence of every person that I have ever met. I am incredibly grateful for each and every person that I have met.
Maybe more importantly I have been thinking about the influence that one of my brothers has had in my life. Don't get me wrong, I love both of my brothers very much, its just that one of them moved out when I was 9 and the other when I was 15. And there is a reason that one of them is a bit more influential in my life.
When I was 11 my dad had a heart attack. Something you probably know already. And while my dad's health has never really been the same, neither has the relationship between my brother and I.
While both of my brothers took wonderful care of me when I was a kid, I think it was the heart attack and the various hospital visits after that that really impacted my life. I always felt closer to W growing up, and one of my favorite memories is watching the T-giving Day Parade with him randomly one T-giving as the rest of the house was busy with T-giving preparations. But there we were just chillen in his room, watchin the parade.
I dont have moments like that- sweet moments- with B. In fact, I always thought B was a bit grouchy. Then W moved out and B was still around. B took me random places with him and his girlfriends- I think he used me as a "aww, hes nice to his little sister" but thats ok, because I loved the attention. He even took me to a Shania Twain concert- ST is my FAVORITE artist, and so that was a big deal. And it's looking back on memories from that concert that I realize he was protective and fierce. Great things to have in a big brother- as long as its not TOO much, which, so far, it hasnt been.
Then the heart attack, and while I know W visited, I am also aware that he didn't visit often, and I am pretty sure he wasn't there that first day. B, though, he became my guardian. Mom was sticking with dad a fair amount of the time, and what 11 year old wants to be in the hospital and eating hospital food? No thanks. So B would take me out of the hospital, get me away from that place and spend time with me. I think mostly he fed me and just ran errands but it was better than being in the hospital. And then that became our thing, anytime dad was in the hospital B would be my ride. Even after I had my driver's license and B had moved out, when Dad went to the hospital I drove to B's house and then ride with him to the hospital. Looking back, that was the best thing for our relationship. We had talks during those rides, we talked about things other than dad and going to the hospital. Hopes and dreams.
Which brings me to the whole point of this story.
If there was a moment in my life that I know was a turning point, it was during one of those rides to the hospital. (Granted, I didn't know it was a life altering moment then.) I was a senior in high school, it was a cold rainy icky January night, about 1-2 am. Dad had been taken in via ambulance. I drove to B's house and we were riding into the hospital. We had just passed exit 121 on I-65 and were talking about school. I told him about this really neat looking school called Transylvania and that I thought I might want to go there but the drive to Lexington for the overnight visit worried me. See, we had season tickets for UK bball and at that point in my life I had never made a trip to Lex without falling asleep. I told B that I was worried about driving there because I was scared of falling asleep at the wheel. He laughed at me, and said "Seriously? Come on Jess, just do it." It kind of hurt my feelings at the time, but you know what? I did it. I set up an overnight and the rest is history. I was totally ready to write Transy off because I was scared of the drive, and my brother made me rethink that decision.
The rest is history, right? I've now graduated from Transy and am on my way to a career. I am really glad my brother made fun of me that night, so glad, I am not even gonna think about what would have happened had he not!

Goodnight folks, here's to a special supportive family member, may you all have one- even if its not a blood family member! :)

Rolling in the Deep

Its an Adele song.

Last night, J popped up on my fb ticker. He's now friends with his ex-girlfriend. And while that really shouldnt matter to me, I had a violent physical reaction. I started shaking, and I got seriously nauseous.  I'm really kind of protective- a silent protector in some ways in that its your life do what you want, but I will ache for you when I think you are making a mistake. I will cringe and scream and just overall hope that things turn out ok for you. And I think the violent reaction that I had last night was due mostly because this person called the cops on him when they broke up. Why would you let that back into your life?  He was also uploading various pictures and such, and apparently he got a new car- go him. And boy are those nephews of his getting big.
I realized last night- and its not the first time, and it probably wasnt the last time that I cant really control people. I can be there for them, I can support them, but if they dont want support than there is no reason for me to stick around- especially after they have hurt me in the way that J did. There are 2 reasons that I didnt delete him as a friend this summer after we had our discussion 1. I wanted to keep track of what was going on in his life 2. I wanted to be there as a friend if he needed me. But the bottom line is that I dont need to keep track of his life- he is consistently making decisions that I dont like, and that drive knives into me. I dont think he was all evil, but yes, he played with me. And really, dating a person named Kitty Cat? I shudder at the thought of that- and yes, that is highly judgmental of me, but thats ok. Also, if he wanted me to be there as a friend he would contact me, he's never had a problem with that before. So ultimately, this whole "friendship" was just toxic.

And while I often tell myself and really hope that I have gotten over this person, its blatantly obvious that I have not. I did, however have 2 months where I was blissfully away from boy drama. I know that I deserve better. I know I have no claim on him. I know that hes a jerk. I know all these things and yet, I still like him. (Idiocy on my part) I still smile at my memories with him. And I most definitely tense up every time I am in a Tractor Supply store expecting him to come up and do something to me, though I know, logically he wont ever be in one of the Tractor Supply stores that I will now go to.

I guess the moral of this story is the same thing that we are always told: you cant change the past, I cannot change what J meant to me, but I can move forward, and I am allowed to stumble, but eventually I will get on my feet and I will be fine. I know these things, I just dont exactly believe them yet! :) Hang tough, friends.

Moving in

This week I am house sitting for some friends. They are on vacation and I am in charge of their 3 dogs and 2 cats. And I brought my Miss. Payton.
They have a really nice 2 story house plus a walk out basement. I love the house. I mean, sure its not perfect, but I do really like the house.
I am close- like REALLY close- to any place that I could need: grocery stores, food places, mall, movie theater, etc.
And during my stay here, I have realize some things that I want and some things that I dont want in my house- when I ever get to get one.
1. Fenced in yard. Miss Payton is a very private dog, and one who doesn't particularly like to do her business where everyone can see her.
2. No bedroom off of the kitchen.
3. Basement
4. Limited clutter is amazing.
5. Lots of lighting.

Thats all I can think of, at the moment!

I'm thankful, no, really... I am... well, most days.

I am thankful for my family, my health, my dog, my support system, Transy basketball, working brakes, opportunities that get me out of the house for a bit, sleep, antibiotics, nieces and nephews who seem to enjoy spending time with me, and being able to buy Christmas presents for everyone in my family without going into debt or having to worry about money.
I am NOT thankful for my relationship status- or really lack thereof which coincides with me not being thankful for the fact that I am the ONLY single person in my extended family over the age of 20. I am also, not exactly thankful for the fact that I dont have a job. haha.
This is also one of those times in my life where saying "It will happen when it happens." or "At least you have both parents" or "You arent really missing out" or "The guys dont know what they are missing" DOESNT HELP. Nope, sorry, its not comforting and in fact telling me such things are likely to make me go off.

But regardless of all these things, life moves forward... and so will I, just give me a little bit of time to regroup.

A dream come true

When I went to Transy, I was already a huge UK fan- and we had basketball season tickets.
Then I went to a Transy game. I fell in love. The way that Transy plays is just mesmerizing to me.
So I became a Transy basketball fan. My sophomore year I didnt miss a home game, I picked the UK games that I went to based on the Transy schedule. And then I went and made my own stats sheet and kept the stats for the games. But I even made it to a couple of away games. I drove through 3 states and 3 forms of precipitation to watch that team play. Junior year, I talked to the coach and traveled with the team. Senior year, I was even closer to the team. And I kept wishing that they would get to play UK. My friends and family told me I was crazy and that it would never happen.
It happened, last night.
Now, its sad that it didnt happen during my tenure at Transy, but on the other hand, I wouldnt have gotten to cheer like I did if I had been doing the books.
And man, did I cheer. I had everyone in my section looking at me and then whispering to their friends.
I can only imagine what they were saying about me. But really, honestly, for the first time- I didnt care.
I was not objective in this game. I was body and soul cheering for Transy. And I was proud of the effort that our guys gave.

Baby when we're good, you know we're great...

But theres too much bad for us to think
That theres anything worth trying to save.

Tomorrow, by Chris Young.

Oh, Halloween, how you makes me remember LAST Halloween and the beginning of the end, or the end of the beginning?
Been thinking of J lately, sigh. But here's what's been in that thought process lately.
It was last Oct 28th that I cut him off, we didnt talk til March 27 and then we talked fairly frequently through May 26th and then our contact fizzled away. In August, or was it September that we had our last real conversation.
But look at that March 27 through May 26 was our main contact. Thats 2 months. We had a good 2 month out of the last 12 months. Wow. Thats pretty sad. Thats incredibly sad. That means that if we were to lengthen the time, it would take us 6 years to have a good 12 months (for 1 year).
Thats not how I want to live my life. My James chapter is obviously done- except for the lingering thought.

And truth be told- I've noticed that I have been focusing less energy on finding a man. On crushing on guys in my life.

Right now, my focus is on finding a job. On passing my CPA tests. I dont have the time or energy for a guy. I know that sounds like a cop out, and maybe it is, but I really have more pressing things in my life to deal with than guys. If a guy wants to be in my life- he will be.

So here's to quiet blessings, one of which being no longer being led on by JJRDF. Though its a shame that our friendship went to hell too.

Goodnight, love you all.

I think I am doing it backwards

I am not a mom.

But I am a girl scout leader and I volunteer for the local middle school's boys basketball team. 

I feel like I am doing things not in order. But maybe there is no order, maybe its all a part of being an individual. 

I find myself in the position of being a role model. 

And not just for the people who see me at every girl scout meeting or outing, or those that see me at every basketball game. Maybe I unintentionally impact someone that I talk to at just one game. 

Maybe I am touching the lives of 19 girls and their families and not just the 2 that I am related to. 

Perhaps people see me as a dedicated sister, because I have only missed 1 of my brothers' basketball games- and hes not a player. 

I dont want to be the sister/aunt that they see at holidays and special occasions. I want to be the supportive aunt that they can turn to for anything, but also the adult that will step back and let them figure some things out for themselves. 

And while it seems I have that part of my life figured out... I still dont have a job. 

Really, I still dont know what I want to do with my life. 

I have an accounting degree. I am working to get my CPA license- easier said than done. 

But I miss my basketball life. Which makes me want to follow the sports management path again. 

And people have always told me I would be a good teacher, and goodness, their schedule would be an awesome one to have- it would be good for traveling.

So maybe doing something that had a "season" so to speak. I mean accounting does have a season- but you generally are an accountant for the whole year. 

I may be getting my first job break soon. My sister-in-law is trying to get some help at the middle school in the front office, and if I can get my foot in the door I could possibly work to become a substitute teacher- then I would see if teaching could be something for me. 

Here's to finding one's way... because, by golly, I think I may be headed in the right direction... just in time for basketball season!! :) 

Chapters

Today I was thinking a lot about people in my life. Ok, so mostly guys. But then instead of dwelling on certain guys I started putting them in chapters.
There's that saying that goes something like "Love is only a chapter in a guy's life, but for a girl its the whole book." This is where I got my chapter idea.
But I didnt put just guys in chapters, I started putting my whole life in chapters by categories.
The interesting but cool thing about all this chapter-ing is that the chapters overlap not just intercategory, but also intracategory.
For instance in boys there is Timmy-3rd grade through 8th, Nathan-homeschooling and 9th grade, Will-9th grade through 11th grade, etc. etc. I'm not going to elaborate further just yet.
There are school chapters.
The brother chapters- living with both brothers, living with just one, having them both moved out and married. Which leads into the nieces and nephew chapters.
Theres the chapter that includes my grandma Carnes, and the chapter of her decline, and now the chapter now that shes gone. Side note: I watched home videos today- I saw the video of my first steps and my grandma was there and she was talking, and hearing her voice made me cry. Oh man, I am going to cherish these tapes.

Here's to organizing my life by chapters, I am having fun with it so far, and it gets me off of thinking about J. Because lets face it, thats who I was thinking about when I started my chapter-ing!

Goods and bads... ups and downs.

I suck at writing when I am confused. I also suck at writing when when I am happy.
I realized that I write when I am frustrated, when I am hurt and when I have something exciting that has happened.
You dont get to see much of the everyday me.
Im guessing thats because I dont necessarily need an outlet when life is going fine.
I also have a hard time writing when I cant sort things out.
And I suppose for the past week I have had a combination of all of those.
Le sigh.
Mostly though, I just feel empty.
I'm a college graduate, I have a degree and yet I have no job.
I can't even seem to find a freakin part time job.
I am living with my parents- and while its nice and all that jazz, I am 22 years old. I shouldnt have to depend on my parents anymore.
And I have a tiny social life. I miss my TU people, because though I didnt go out often- I had the opportunity to! Now, going out is a huge ordeal and pretty much just not worth it.

SO, here is my call to the universe.
Dear Universe,
I would greatly appreciate a job, which I enjoy that will also help me towards my CPA license, a job where others appreciate my work as much as I enjoy it. It would be nice if this job also paid me decently- although a internship or volunteer position is fine-for now.Give me challenges that I can overcome and help others later in life. Yea, I think thats all I would like to ask for right now.
Thanks for the consideration,
Love Jessie

Here, let me slap you in the face...

This whole weekend has been filled with lots of moods. Mostly happy, sometimes sad, a couple of moments of grumpiness.
Friday I had dinner with an old friend, and my gosh it was so nice to catch up with her. Funny though, she too is firmly in the pro-S camp. It just makes me giggle. Sometimes I am irritated that she only really is around occasionally- but after 17 years of friendship I know the cycles and I got this. haha. Anyway, talking to her was nice, we ended up hanging out for almost 4 hours! (wow!)
On the other hand I was told that the fact that I didnt know a friend was gay because of the catastrophe of the winter. I had no clue as to what she was talking about so she elaborated "the time when I froze everyone out". Wow what a slap in the face. Thanks. I didnt freeze everyone out, I didnt freeze anyone out. I was simply trying to figure out where I stood in a time of changes. I cannot help that people felt frozen out

So I began writing this post a week ago now.
I never got my answer as to how a friends homosexuality has anything to do with my psychological state in February... but its whatever, I guess.
I thought I would publish this even if it wasnt finish... because like this post- I am unfinished.

Heart melting moment

So, if you know me at all, you know how much I want kids.
Its like I have child fever, I want kids so bad. But I tell myself that I 1. dont have the means to support kids, and 2. I want to be selfish for a little bit longer before I take the plunge into parenthood.
And while I wait for the right moment- not that there will be one, but lets imagine that there will be- I get my kid fix by spending time with my nieces and nephews. All four of them are growing into not just cute kids, but real people.
Anyway, today was my brother's birthday and we all gathered at his house for a little party- all his wifes doing, and he was obviously annoyed by it all. Then his wife had the gall to refuse a picture with him because it rained today and her hair was frizzy. Ugh. But neither of those things are the point of my story tonight.
After cake and ice cream were consumed the adults were visiting or just sitting around, the children (the 4 mentioned above and and my sister-in-laws twin sister's daughter) were playing in JB's room. Then TA- my youngest nephew walked out of the room carrying a video game leaned against the couch where I was sitting and started to play the game. He proceeded to tell me about the game. I invited him to sit in my lap and play the game, which he did. So there we were sitting on the couch, him in my lap playing this game and me following closely like it was the only thing in the world to do- which at that moment it was. That moment, having my nephew choose to sit in my lap at a big family function- that made my day.
That moment and all of the moments like it is the reason that I want kids. My niece getting excited for a Girl Scout outing because she gets to ride in my car. My older nephew not only willing to give me a hug, but jumping into my arms for a hug. And lastly, having each niece and nephew tell me that they love me.

My hope is that when those kids grow up and get mad at their parents, that I am the one they turn to.
I want to be their stable support.
And eventually, I will have my own kids, but I will be a better mother for spending time with my nieces and nephews.

Heres to kids!

Giggles

Have you ever had so many things to say, but you didnt know where to start so you just dont?
Thats how I feel tonight.
Good things and bad things, so overall this day was just an incredibly interesting day.
It started with a call to come into work- a co-workers son had been in an accident- and we knew nothing more than that.
Then we were BUSY at work.
Then mom and I saw Lion King.
My brother came to visit and brought me paint- YAY paint! Oh, and brother too.
Watched some Ellen- she made me laugh hysterically.
And watched my show, Revenge.
Then, then I got to talk to S. We talked about dancing, phone calls, jobs and relocating (he works for an accounting firm and finds it incredibly funny that hes doing what I want to do, and I cant find a stinkin job.), facebook, beatboxing and just a little bit of lots of life.
If he was asking me if I would relocate for a job with him at his firm the answer is yes! If hes asking if I am just open to looking for jobs outside of KY, the answer is also yes. I would prefer the first one though. Haha.

Anyway- I am exhausted now. Didnt nearly scratch the surface of what I wanted to say, but thats ok.
Tonight is about counting blessings, counting the things that we have experienced, not the things that we missed out on.

Love you all!

Never thought....

I never thought that M would want to talk to me ever again after the way we broke up 6, make that 7? years ago. No, I guess it was just 6.
Anyway, he texted me last night- almost exactly 2 years from the last time that I talked to him.
He wants to see me.
Ugh.
Im too nice to ignore him.
But then he tried to make plans with me, so I artfully dodged them.
And then he said something like "have a good day."

All this just after I had gotten rid of the last 6'4'' country boy in my life.
For a couple of brief weeks my life was nice and uncomplicated- as far as guys.

Although, last week was J's bday and the last time we actually talked I said "talk to you later" to which he responded with "I hope so" and then no acknowledgement when I wished him a happy birthday. Ungrateful wretch.

Back to M, though.
One of his first questions was asking if I was married. Really? He has known me for 6 years does he not know that I am not like the girls around here?
Its the little things: the little things are what attracts you to a guy and the little things will drive you up a wall, in a hurry!
All I can say for certain is: thank god he's in BG and not here... I can avoid him better this way.
Yes, even when I dont want to see people I have a hard time saying "I dont want you in my life, go away" just carefully avoid any and all ultimatums.

Man, I think I was starting to enjoy the simplicity of life without guy issues. I mean sure there's A- but hes gay (and hey that rhymed). And there's T- but he's my husband and if you read one of my recent post you know I'm not kicking him out of my life. Theres S (formerly I), but it seems that that stage might be passing a little bit- though he may always be an ideal guy- the exotic fantasy, so to speak. Wait, get your mind out of the gutter, please and thank you.

Wow, for a while there I was just me. I like that. Lets do that again, k?
Or you know, lets meet this IT guy that my friend who was just recently married wants to set me up with. Ok. I'm up for that. :)

Here's to loving the life you are living. To simplicity.