Half Birthday

Its not something that I routinely celebrate, but today is my half birthday. Its been a pretty fun day, as I told my mom, I feel wonderful physically, and ok mentally and thats about as good as I will get for a while. I have a midterm on Monday and then another big Cell and Molec test on Thursday, and I am going home this weekend, where both of my parents are sick. YAY, sort of. It will be wonderful to spend time with my parents, even if they are sick and I probably wont get to see them much, if at all before Thanksgiving after this weekend. It will be wonderful, as always to see my Payton Pooh. And the other thing that I have to look forward to this weekend is a 5k Run/walk, in which I will be walking! I have a goal of being able to run a full 5k by the end of May term this coming year. My newest goal is to be able to run 1 mile by the end of this semester, yea, I just set that while sitting here on the computer! Maybe I should qualify that last statement, I hope to run a mile within a workout, which for me is roughly 2 miles, this means that I am NOT going to make myself run a full mile straight, not yet anyway. I shaved two minutes off my mile by jogging some between Monday and Wednesday!
Well, I guess thats about it for the moment! Off to do some studying!

Deep Breath

It seems that everytime that I get my feet under me, something knocks me over. Its not just one part of life that is doing this to me but a couple of parts. With school, I went through a week phase where I was accomplishing things and doing well, and then I had my cell and molec test and oh no you arent doing so well after all. With, the sorority I had issues, and then things were kind of smoothed over. Well last night they had what I felt was a surprise membership selection and because I hadnt paid dues I had no voice and no vote. Needless to say I was thinking about whether or not the sorority was the right place for me once again. Then I was ushered out of the room and hugged and supported while I just cried my eyes out. I guess I stay for the 35 good people there and help them to help me to deal with the 10 or so bad people. Why oh why do these people care so much about image? Cant we please get back to the reason that this sorority was founded? I hope that with the help of the people who are supporting me now, I can overcome this barrier. Next time my voice will be heard!

Full Disclosure

I am very close to my family and tell them pretty much everything that happens in my life, I guess it was just the way that I was raised. So the other day when I went to a Fraternity party, I called my mom. The party was my first, and it was interesting. It was held in a field and there were buses that took people to and from the party. A whole bunch of people were drinking of course, but not me, and the 3 of my friends that went. We were good and sober and connected at the hip almost literally. But it was fun and I would do it again.

Then Saturday I got to get up early and help with a Habitat for Humanity house, and that was SO fulfilling, amazing, wonderful and humbling. I want to participate in more! We didnt get to help with the actual building of the house, but we got to help with some of the small details. We did some landscaping work, we layed sod. Rolled the grass out and had an instant yard! Instant gratification as well. I am hoping to volunteer more with Habtitat for Humanity either with the sorority or my friends, or just by myself!

Feeling Reflective

Through everything going on in my life, good or bad, happy or sad, there is always one person that I can count on, myself. Today while sitting through a really interesting leadership seminar I felt grounded. and just throughout the day I felt as if I was being watched over. Now, I am not one who usually says so-and-so is watching over me and I will be fine, but yesterday I just felt the presence of my grandma. It was like I was giving her a taste of my life, I was giving her a tour of what was going on in my life, and I had warm-fuzzies. I felt her approval.
I felt for the first time in a while that I really have control of my life. I can be who I want to be and do what I want to do, and it doesnt matter what people think. I only have to depend on myself, yes, the support of family and friends is nice but I shouldnt depend on that, and I am getting better at being happier with myself. I was thinking about where I have been, where I am going and how many people might think that I am spoiled because I have pretty much gotten everything in my life that I need or want, but really theres more to me than that.
Where I have been: As I have said before this past year has been a really tough year for me and before when people said that they were proud of me I just kinda took it with a grain of salt, but now I feel honored when people tell me that they are proud of me, I am proud of myself now and I think thats the difference. I have never had to really work for my meals, work to pay bills and such but I have always been taught to appreciate the life that I am fortunate to live, and I do appreciate it, more than anyone can know, and its because I have also been exposed to the other sides of life. And I am just so grateful to have been able to live the blessed life that I have.
Where I am going: This is harder for me to think about, hopefully in 10 years I will have graduated college, graduated from graduate school. I hope to be financially secure and to have the beginnings of a family. I look at my life now, and inevitably I compare it to my brothers' lives, though I know that mine will be different. Chris was married at 21- which for me is less than 2 years away, and Jimmy was married at 25. I hope that I will be married around 23 but life never goes as planned, so we shall see. And then I look around and my friends are getting engaged and married, and some of them are just in nice committed relationships, and though I would love to have something like that I am scared of it as well. But boyfriend or not, my life is moving forward and so am I. I kinda feel bad that most of my thoughts about the future revolve around having a boyfriend/husband, but then again, in America we are taught to get married and make babies, so its not totally surprising I guess. I suppose it will all happen soon enough and I should enjoy where I am now, and so thats what I'll do. The leadership presentation that I went to was about internal motivation, and so I am gonna concentrate on that for a while. Motivate myself to be the best person, student, and fan that I can be, because those reflect the things that are important to me. I strive to be a good person, to help out friends and anyone really that I can, to work hard in my school work and do the best I can with that and to go to sporting events which just make me feel whole in a way.
Being Spoiled: Yes, I have gotten roughly everything that I have needed or wanted throughout my life, but I dont think that I am spoiled as much as some of the people here at Transy. I appreciate how life is hard for some people and I know how to shop on a budget and not spend more than I am given, I know how to make things when I dont have the money to buy them, and I know how important friends and family are and I think that balances out how spoiled I am. Or at least, I hope it does.
Bottom line, the future scares me and excites me at the same time, so I am working hardest at living my life in the present, forgetting about the silly things of my past and only looking toward my future when I absolutely feel its necessary. And if at some point in my life I change ONE person's life then I will feel a sense of wholeness, like things have come full circle!

The Rattle of the Keyboard

I am looking for a way to go back to being as laid back as I was before the whole sorority thing happened. For some reason it made something snap inside of me and I have been working to get that thing to unsnap so to speak. And I have employed many things thus far and the only thing that has really calmed me is sporting events. But a close second is the sound of typing. I love the rattle of the keyboard that my fingers create, it actually has a musical tone. This musical tone is where my current happiness is coming from. And that is all I had to say! heehee.

Family Time

I love spending time with my family, and this weekend was no different. Friday night I went to Big Blue Madness with my dad and brothers and we had a great time. I got made fun of, which for some reason always makes smile, if not when it happens then later when I actually think about it. And I was starting to really need my brothers to make fun of me! :) Of course, we had fun at the basketball event, and then we were driving home and we all started singing some oldies songs, and even dancing in the car. It was just fun. There was also a walk down memory lane. Man growing up makes life more complicated, and I am not saying its bad, I am just saying that I still see brief moments of the simpler times and it makes me happy.
Saturday was more family time. My sister-in-law threw a birthday party for my brother and it was nice. I got to spend some time with my neices and nephews, not so much my brothers but I think it was a good thing. I really miss those kids when I am at school.

Now for other things, life is always changing, and its frustrating, but its also nice too. I mean I seriously hope that in ten years that I would be married with a kid or two but I honestly cant really see it. I guess part of it is that I havent met a guy? I dont know. And at this point it doesnt necessarily matter, its just that I see my brothers and their families and I just hope that things work out for me. I think my brothers mother-in-law tried to tell me that I could have invited my boyfriend to the party, except that there isnt one! She said to me, "you could have invited some of your friends" and I responded with "none of them live around here, or are anywhere really near Bullitt County" only looking back on it can I see that maybe she mean that I could have invited a particular friend. One problem?- I dont have one, no boyfriend in my life. Ugh, I am tired and I have a nice long day tomorrow. Write again soon.

A day to day type of thing

I feel as if I am experiencing a great deal of monotony. I get up I go to two classes, I go to lunch, I study, I experience some sort of event around 4, Dinner at 5:30 and then either studying or TV, and that is my day. I am very excited for the upcoming weekend + two extra days! Not only will it break the monotony that I feel but I will get to spend 4 nights at home, how wonderful. I have gone 3 weeks of staying at Transy, my record thus far and even the weekend that I went home I was working and didnt get to spend hardly any time with my family. For me this weekend will be a nice deep breath before I have to take on the second half of the semester, yes we are roughly halfway through the semester!
For the rest of this week, I just really need to focus on my Cell and Molec. because of the test on Friday. Today I took notes on one of the chapters and plan to take my last set of notes later this evening, but my shoulder is killing me from such continuous writing, and therefore I am off to the Beck Center for a walk/ some exercise! Its my break from the studying monotony, but becoming a habit in and of itself! Funny how things like that work out!

Working Hard

This morning I woke up after only 6 hours of sleep- yes only, I work hard to get my full 8 hours of sleep each night, sick and miserable. I had a test today and I was worried about it, and I have another test on Friday that I am worried about. I guess its all about college right? Anyway, I called my mommy, and she made me feel better. Apparently she wont disown me if I try my hardest and still dont pass with flying colors (always a good thing to be reminded of)! And then I took my Microeconomics test, and I was relieved to realize that I really did know the material, and I am always flattered and happy when people ask me about the material and not only can I explain it, they understand it- something that happened as we were waiting to take the test. Someone told me that economics came naturally to me, and I dont think its necessarily true but I am working at it and I guess maybe its good that it seems that it comes naturally for me? I think so anyway. After the test, which went well, I had my favorite class, Accounting. We got our test that we took last week back. And here is where I am going to brag about myself. The class average was a 61% on this test, not only did I beat the class average, I got a 85%. Its not an A, but it was good considering the class average, and my professor even told me that I did well and gave me a pat on the back. See, life doesnt always beat you down, you occasionally get a nice high five! Needless to say some of my stress was gone!

I got a nice short nap in after lunch and then I got to work on my cell and molecular studying. I am starting to actually enjoy reading textbooks and taking notes, I must be becoming a true student! HAHA. After 2 hours of studying I went to an informational meeting for one of the May term trips that is being offered, and I have to say, that I REALLY REALLY WANT TO GO! Its a trip to Greece/Turkey and there are really 2 trips. One is 16 days and is all Greece and the other is 26 days and Turkey gets added in, and really three classes are being taught, theres a philosophy class, a history class and an anthropology class- I am hoping that it will go as a general requirement for me, but if it doesnt then oh well. I have gotten my grandma's permission and now I just have to compose a paragraph or two stating why I want to go, and why they should pick me over other students that are interested.

After that meeting, I was still kind of blitzed from my cell and molec and went to the second half of the boys soccer game. Man, watching that just makes me want to play so bad. I mean I was never great at it but I did have a small passion for it and I think a tiny piece of me will always want to be on a soccer field whenever I see one. But it was really nice to watch, the soccer games can get just as violent and amusing as basketball games! I think one of Transy's players was even bodyslammed by one of the opposing teams players, it was interesting. It rained some and that was refreshing and Transy won 3-1. All goals being scored in the second half. And as my usual I think I got to know the mother of the guy on the team that I think is cute. Funny how I always get to know parents rather than the actual guys, I mean there is good and bad both in doing that! :)

Back to cell and molec then for me. And not only studying but writing a paper, and with 2 other people at that. The good thing is that we all mesh fairly well and we get things done quickly! Anyway, I am feeling better now and I can do this, I just needed a little reassurance- I get kind of needy that way occasionally! I am SO glad though that this weekend is fall break and I get a couple of days to relax, I will be able to recooperate not only from the sickness but also from just going going going so much so fast! And I think I have found a second way to center myself when I am overwhelmed- Sporting events. The soccer game today was just the key to my day! I guess I never realized that I feel better, pumped even after sporting events, soccer and basketball are the drugs of choice but I can go for a baseball game as well! And if you are wondering the other thing that centers me? Its traveling! Something about just getting away from everything makes things better!

And now my cell and molec is calling my name!

Graphic Images

The good news is that I got to hug a dog. It was a chocolate lab, who was very friendly, licking my face and then gently holding my hand in his mouth. It made my heart happy, granted its not the same as being with my dogs back home but it was still a BIG dog and a dog lick to the face!

The bad news, is that the right side of my face is swollen from the gum boil that I have, and food is now getting stuck in said gum boil- its taking over my face! (Told ya "Graphic images") And the right side of my neck is sore, but I can bend my head back and forth and side to side, so I am pretty sure its not meningitis. BUT I do think that I will go to the nurse tomorrow morning, bright and early and see what sh has to say.

I'll leave ya with those mental images! :)

13 Hours

Last night I laid down for bed at 8pm, granted I didnt fall asleep right away but I didnt get out of bed again until 8:45 this morning. I would love to report that I feel rested and ready to face the day, but I dont. I am still feeling sickly and I'm not necessarily sure that it is the same virus that everyone else has had this week, or maybe it mutated so it could attack me, because I was doing SO WELL in not getting it. Ugh, anyway, I have to get things done today so I am just trying to not let it take my body over entirely. I might even take myself a nice nap once I have read all of my biology chapters, 1.5 left! And after that I need to concentrate on some Microeconomics, I even have study buddy to meet tonight for Micro, and then back to Cell and Molect to take notes on the chapters. Alright then, I am going to get started. Here's to getting better soon!

It all comes crashing down

I feel like shit, I want to go home, and yet I have two tests plus at least one paper that I have to have done for this week. I have a sinus infection, I am achey, and whenever I get sick I get a really sore mouth which means I dont feel like eating because its painful. I cant go home because I have way too much to get done and my mom is at a conference and I'm sure my dad may be golfing today. If I didnt SO much to do I would go home and sleep the whole weekend with my dog. And thats another thing, I dont strive when I am animal-less. In fact after so long I start to deteriorate, and that has definitely started to happen. I am not getting enough protein in my body I dont think, but I really dont know how to fix that, I mean I eat at every meal but I seriously just cant stomach the meat that the school offers. I might just have to go out and find myself some good meat, or some meat that I can cook. I am however, getting enough greens, I have carrots, lettuce and green peppers Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at lunch and then again most nights for dinner. Well then, I beleive I am going to go start on my studying so that I can maybe take a nap later.

Sappy Mood

Tonight some friends and I went to see Nights in Rodanthe, an awesome movie and that was just the start of the sappy night, I come back to the dorm and my roomie and other friends are getting ready to watch Beauty and the Beast. Thus, I am running off of a couple of well ended romantic comedies, and it makes me think of my situation. There is no guy in my life, and mostly I like it that way, but occasionally I think it would be nice to have a companion. Part of my problem is that I am too busy, and laid back to care too much and another part of my problem is that I am SO shy. I have seriously been working on it so that I am more outgoing, so that I can make conversation easy, but I still get stuck. Maybe its not the right time to have a guy in my life, but I feel about as out of time as my brother does. I mean I know that I will live for at least 80 more years, rather I really HOPE that I get to live that much more, but at the same time, it seems as if most of my peers have had some sort of real relationship. I havent, not really. I guess this post is just my way of complaining that 1. I am too shy, which is probably my own fault 2. I want a guy to be there for me but not necessarily to smother me, I dont do well when I am smothered 3. That I know of NO guy that is attracted to me in the more than just friends way 4. The guy that I would like to notice me, probably doesnt know that I am alive or thinks that I am incredibly creepy.

Here's to turning over a new leaf, for being the best ME I can be and hoping that, through being more of myself and more open and outgoing I will find someone to at least get to know!

Have I mentioned lately that I miss my dog?! :)

Dog Sickness

So I know about homesickness, and missing home SO MUCH and missing my family and I have worked so hard to get over that, and I think I really finally can live, deal without having to see my family constantly, but living without a dog?! REALLY HARD. Its been 2 weeks since I've gotten to hug, cuddle, or sleep with a warm fuzzy dog and I am getting desperate. I mean I miss my family, but I can call and talk to them or email them, the point is that I can have real contact with my family, but not necessarily with my dog. And its sad. So moral of the story today, I NEED A DOG FIX!

Bright and Sunshine-y Day

Nothing has really changed, I havent solved the problem for my friend yet but I have a meeting with Mary tonight, and Mary will be very helpful I am sure. I wrote a methods section of a lab report for my Cell and Molecular Biology class and I felt confident about it, until someone came and read it. They told me that I needed to include much more, but really I dont think I do, methods sections are supposed to be short and to the point and mine was, it was the other person's that was 3 pages. I dont know I guess we will see when we get the papers back, the good news though is that it isnt for a real grade but rather participation points. I have a test in my accounting class today that I am actually excited about, weird huh? I guess its because I really understand accounting and love the class. Maybe I have really found something here, a passion maybe? Next week will be slightly stressful because I have a Microeconomics test as well as a Cell and Molecular test, but I have the weekend and I can do this, I know I can. Philosophy is an interesting class, lots of reading and some discussion, I think it will get better once we have finished The Republic of Plato and move on to the Matrix- as in the movie! And as for me overall, I cant stay depressed, angry, mean for forever, I am getting over the bad things and looking toward Fall Break! I had my 5-6 days of depression and suckiness but I am moving on. Oh, and my neice is now out of the hospital!! YAY!

And the hits just keep coming

I know its been almost a week since I last wrote and the funny thing is that I was writing daily about just whatever silly things were happening, but in the last week more important things, or more influential things have happened and I havent written. That doesnt seem right so I am gonna give an overview without getting into all the gritty details, because I would just get upset all over again.
Rush- My best friend rushed and she didnt make it past the second night and it wasnt because of her GPA or because of the scores she was given that first night but rather because some girls that are high up in the sorority black listed her. Needless to say I was VERY upset all weekend, and I mostly kept it to myself because I know how anti-sorority my mom is and I didnt feel it would be beneficial to talk to her because she would just be pissed, so I did the things to support the sorority, but I didnt do it wholeheartedly, mostly I did it while crying, though not necessarily in public. I put on a brave face for the sorority, and did as little as possible to get through the weekend. I am feeling better now that I have other things to occupy my time, but my friend wants me to fight for her, so I will. And I will start that fight towards the end of this week/beginning of next week. I feel as if for once I am not going with the flow, I am not ok with where the sorority is going, so I am going to do what I can to change it.
On a happier sorority note, some of my other friends that rushed are now Phi Mu's and I am SO happy for them!

Monday my neice was admitted to the hospital because she had been vomiting and unable to hold anything down since Friday. I yearn to be in Louisville with my family, to see my family and animals. It looks as though my neice will be released from the hospital tomorrow and it was and E. Coli infection. So, I dont plan on going home this weekend as much as I yearn to. This is to test myself more than anything, I know that I am growing up and I feel that I need to overcome times where I have had a hard week and I need to just recenter myself on my own. Therefore, though I yearn to go home this weekend I am going to stay, study hard and play some and finish out my last week before fall break with a BANG! I have 2 tests next week and so I would love to go home feeling good about my grades.

Alright, so theres an update on my past week, hopefully I'll get good at posting almost daily again and I am headed to bed, goodnight!

Saturday Morning Farmer's Market

So its been a few days since I last posted, I have just been really busy, stressed over the whole Sorority recruitment. Tonight will be the longest night for me, we have our Community Involvement night and then we go through the membership selection process. Anyway, so this morning I went to the Lexington Farmer's Market with Katrina and Tara, it was awesome. So many people, so much food and DOGS!!! Its kinds funny but the highlight for me was the dogs! There were 2 shepherds and 2 Bernese Mt. Dogs and a REALLY cute Blue tick hound puppy that was about 3-4 months old and a golden and a really fat lab and some chihuahuas and DOGS! Which makes me miss Payton SOOO much, which really makes me homesick. So my solution, since I cant go home, is to buy Payton some doggy treats! And just think that I am blessed to be able to go to Transy, to be thankful for my Transy families- Ive decided that I have two, my immediate Transy family which is my group of 10 core buddies and then my Transy extended family which is all my AOII buddies. But mostly I have myself and I can count on myself more than anyone, and I just have to remember that. I really liked the farmer's market and I plan on going whenever I am here on a Sat!

The whole sorority thing, I still have mixed feelings. One of my best friends is rushing and I feel bad for not being able to talk to her, but I hope she knows that she is more of a sister than most of my AOII sisters and that for me, she comes before them. I dont know how this is going to turn out but I hope to God that she gets to be an AOII, because I know that I wouldnt be an AOII if it wasnt for her. Anyway, I dont have much else to say, so I am gonna go do some homework!

Question of the Day

Is it all really worth it? I mean I dont plan on giving up on anything because I am a stubborn person but what are we all working towards and how much does it really matter. Who judges us in the end, I know for a lot of people they feel that God will judge them, but I am just not convinced. I am in a philosophy class and we are discussing the definition of justice, and I am stuck on a true definition. There are many just people out there that also have some unjust feelings occasionally, and I am one of them but does that make me injust or is there a balance. Can one be seen as being just or unjust when they have occasional tendencies towards the opposite side? And futhermore why are we comparing ourselves to everyone else? People grow up this day and age to do what they want be who they want to be bur really dont we inhibit ourselves by comparing ourselves to others out in the world.
Im not saying that its terrible, some people thrive on competition, but I am saying that ultimately we have to live to be the best (insert full name here) you can be. I will be the best Jessica Carnes I can be, and that is my perogative. I care deeply for my friends but I cant tell them what to do and what not to do because they have to make those decisions themselves. I hope to God that they make good decisions, that they at least consider the risks of what they do but I am not them and its not my decision. I just wonder sometimes if there is anyone that has similar feelings. Ill tell you one thing, I havent found them yet!

I will say, that college for me is worth it. I wouldnt have been able to grow to the person that I am if I hadnt gone away to college. So far its one of the hardest things that I have done but it really made me stronger and I learned how to really stick with something. I am not a quitter! And I will forge ahead into life and I will find my way, even if its hard!

IN happy news, Basketball season is getting closer and that makes me SOOOOO happy! Transy's first home game is 2 months from tomorrow. And UK's Midnight Madness is 2 weeks from Sat. SOOO exciting. Off for the day, its almost time for lunch and then I have a paper to write, its the 4th paper this week!

Life Decisions

I know i dont usually write two posts in one day but this is just something that i really feel to get off my chest. I just attended something on drinking and it was a girl whose brother passed away from a drinking and drug overdose.
People kind of give me weird looks when I dont drink, and its not that its against my religion, i dont have one, but rather its a personal choice because of my family and observing things around me. That and i have no need to have my mind altered in any way.
Alcoholism runs in my family, on my dads side and my dad even was kind of a teenage drunk and he tells stories of it and they just stuck with me. My uncle almost died recently because of mixing two chemicals that became toxic, one of the chemicals being alcohol. And my brother as a teenager would party and one time he got SO drunk that he woke up to his buddy peeing on him. I NEVER WANT THAT TO HAPPEN TO ME, EVER!
Anyway moral of my story, I dont do well with people who are idiots, i have no need to alter my mind and people who do just frustrate me.
So the thing that I have to say to anyone who wants to listen, is to live your life for yourself, dont worry about what others think because if they care that much they may not necessarily care for you but rather want to keep themselves from looking so bad. And always look for the good in some situation, life can and will knock you down but its up to you to pick yourself back up, its up to you to make life worth living!

The Little things in Life

I am relearning to love those little things in life that mean so much. A really sweet email from your dad telling you that things will be ok, your mom telling you that you are an improvement over her generation, dancing for a friends photography progect at 11pm in the dark around places in school, and having a professor tell you that though you made a terrible grade on the first test they want you to stick with trying to get a bio minor because you have such a well rounded mind and not everyone can do business/accounting AND science. Those are just the things that have happened to me in the the past 24 hours, and they were the little gifts that I needed after a hard day yesterday.
Life is all about living, learning, loving, succeeding, failing and just picking yourself up. Sometimes one needs a day to get things reorganized and that was yesterday for me, I felt all these heightened emotions around me and they were just making me grumpy and I knew that if I did homework that it wouldnt be great, so I took most of the evening off, and thats just what I had to do. I have a meeting every night this week, followed by recruitment weekend for the sorority and everyone is pushing all these guidelines on me but at the same time telling me that I shouldnt worry about it, it will all just come natural, so my response? just to lay back and not worry about it, if I make a mistake I wont die and it wont be the end of the world. I have bigger, more important things to worry about.

And now for the things that I miss as I am growing up: my parents, I was home this past weekend but I worked the whole time and didnt really get to spend time with them which just plain sucked. My brothers, I havent seen Jimmy since the night before I came back to Transy and its been longer since I last saw Chris, and it just sucks because they mean so much to me, as do my neices and nephews. I miss Jimmy probably more because I feel so close to him, and because I spent more time with him between the ages of 10 and 15. I miss my Payton, having a warm body with me pretty much all the time when I am home is just so comforting and the unconditional love that a dog gives is great. But I guess these are all just things of growing up, you gotta find the things that are most important to you and be able to find a way to keep them in your life if they are so important. I think its one of the reasons going to college was so important for me in my mom's eyes and you know what? She was right!

Well I have a 4 page paper to finish so I will ramble more later!

ARRRRG Irritation

I dont know whats wrong, whether its just me or if I am really on to something but people seem really ARG today. I got a bad grade on my first test of the year and my response was that I didnt really want to tell my mom because she would say something along the lines of "well are you gonna go meet with Dr. P now?"- which she did, almost exactly and I didnt want to tell others because its not that I feel I am letting myself down rather that I am letting everyone else down. If it was up to me I would take it in, be upset for about an hour and then move on. BUT no, I get to explain to everyone how terrible of a student I really am. Whats wrong with me that I dont get the grades that are always expected of me, its not that I am doing things wrong but rather I am getting bored in the subjects that I am studying and I am getting tired of studying for over 4 hours a day for a class that isnt even in my major.
I feel as if I am going through the day and everyone is glaring at me. Its not fun at all. See I see myself as a pretty empathic person, meaning that I pick up on strong emotions even when people arent saying anything and my god the world is CHARGED today. Its one of those days where I want to either curl up and cry the rest of the afternoon or go kick ass. Neither of which will happen because I have a 4 page paper due on Wed. not to mention I have a meeting tomorrow morning with Dr. P, to see what happened with me and the test and I have an accounting chapter to read, some econ notes to take and homework that I literally JUST remembered that was assigned and some reading for Cell and Molec. Last week I felt balanced if even just a bit overwhelmed this week I just feel like I am drowning, I cant afford to get another C if I dont make 2-3 A's. Oh and not to mention the whole sorority thing is right there as part of life that is kicking my rear. We have 2 hour meetings three times this week, thank god rush is this weekend and then it will be over.

I was right at the beginning of the semester in thinking that Cell and Molec was going to be my toughest class, but apparently not so correct in thinking that I was gonna do well in it. See we are doing roughly 2 papers per week in that class not to mention the class time, the reading and taking notes of the chapters and the lab work as well. I feel that even though my major is no longer Bio, its still running my life.

Its just one of those days where I dont feel too optimistic. And I am tired of people taking things out on me, if there is a real reason to be angry with me then I understand that but I make an effort not to be a downer and bring my bad moods to the table and I would hope any decent person would do the same, because believe me I pick up on the SLIGHTEST mood change. ITS NO FUN. UGH Irritation

Innocence

I just got back to my second home- yes I am finally ready to call Lexington/Transy my second home- from a long weekend of working. I worked events for the Ryder Cup through Hyatt working at the Muhammed Ali center- yes its that complicated! But anyway, so Friday was a BIG event- about 1100 people, mostly from Ireland, Britain, and Scotland- what beautiful accents. Working this I realized that I almost slip into a different personality, its the personality that I am gonna call my "gracious stranger meeting, hotel customer service" personality. I smile openly at everyone, talk to them when they talk (basking in their accents) and I even occasionally get a chance to get to know my fellow co-workers. Friday night I was a floater, meaning that I roamed the WHOLE outdoor pavillion, upstairs and down and I cleaned and answered questions and mostly I was just making sure that things flowed smoothly. Anyway so towards the end of the event I got to go talk to Chris, who is a C.S. worker at the Hyatt. C.S. just means that he gets to do all the heavy lifting of the tables and such! I believe our conversation started on how he wasnt happy that they werent really tipping (he was a bartender that night) to which I replied that $3 was better than nothing, and explained to him that I was always optimistic. Somehow from there he got the story of the many deaths that I have experienced this year and he said that it was good for me to always look for the good in the situation. From there we got to talking about birth order, and he said that I wasnt as selfish as many only children or the babies of a family were. He told me that I was beautiful and that it was great for me to help out if I could. Its funny I dont usually take compliments that well but this one really stuck with me, I guess its because he didnt just say that I was beautiful but he backed it up with an example- because I wasnt selfish, and that as he was watching me interact with other people I was gracious and always trying to help out. So the compliment just really made me feel good and it stuck with me. I dont always understand how people see me and think that Im smart and that I can do anything but they believe in me and I get the energy from that and I want to make them happy so I want to succeed in the ways that they think I can.

Saturday I got spend time with my favorite co-workers, Krystal, Kristen and Roger. Those people help keep me sane while at work. Kristen is just random and has the occasional mood swing but is goofy and fun. Krystal is my buddy and we work REALLY well as a team. Roger is always looking out for me, if I look lost he says "Follow me" and he gives me jobs that I can handle without overwhelming me. Roger I guess just really understands the way that I need to work! Anyway Saturday night was a reception followed by a dinner for 100 people, a big fancy thing for rich people! SO I start the night by butler passing hor d'oeuvres. And there were some really drunk guys that were more or less hitting on me and being playful but it was just funny and I went along with it. I kind of shocked myself, those types of things usually make me feel uncomfortable, I dont know if its that Im just becoming more comfortable over all or if I was in my hotel personality but it was just fun. That and someone tried what I was passing because I was "selling it so well with [my] smile". Anyway that night was fun, flirty and ended with a discussion of my innocence. Kristen loves me because of my innocence, because I dont have the need to drink or do drugs or have sex, she just thinks its too cute, which makes me laugh.
So here is to the innocence that I have and that I plan on keeping for a while!

In other news I am slowly coming to terms that the neighbor that has been in my life, for my whole life will probably not live very much longer. I will miss George, mostly because he was probably the closest thing that I had to a real grandfather, I mean I know that Stan was technically my step-grandfather but George was always looking out for me and teaching me some valuable life lessons! So I plan on writing about some of my memories of George and the stories that I have heard but am too young to really remember as time goes by.

Dreaming of a walk

Why is it that when I finally dream of you I still dont get to talk to you very much. I did talk some but you just kind of gave me a one word answer and took your car and drove away. We were at my house, or around it and you were with your mom. Funny thing, like in real life I made friends with the parent rather than the boy, I mean its good to be on good terms with the parent but its better to be on good terms with the boy if you are gonna date them, know what I mean? And maybe not even date them in person but rather in my dreams.
I am pretty sure that God is having a good time looking at my life and the people surrounding me, I love my friends very much but we all have baggage right? Different baggage and I usually feel silly wanting to talk about boys and such but its just kind of my release, I dont want to grow up yet, so I am gonna stick in the middle for as long as possible. SO for that I may be laughed at and I will also laugh at myself, have no doubt.
So, why am I not the open outgoing person that I wish to be, why do I hold myself back? I think that it has a lot to do with being turned down, getting hurt and having to deal with being just the friend. But thats the best way to start right? being just friends? So why can't I introduce myself to this person that I desperately want to be friends with, its not like he is a god and I will be shunned for talking to him, laughed at maybe but I get laughed at a lot. And how do I do it in a non-creepy way, I am afraid that if I do go up to him all the creepy things that are just rattling around in my head will come out and then I will really be laughed at. So I do what I can, I become friends with your friends, I make myself seen at the games and I just bide my time, maybe, hopefully something will click. And if not, I can always hire you as my financial advisor!
I am not a "bad" girl, I never had reason to drink, do drugs, smoke or have sex, but I do yearn to be noticed, to see your smile and to be a part of your world. That makes me sound kind of whiney and really girly but I dont mean it like that, not really.
So how bout I stop here before I dig myself a HUGE hole!

Music that Centers me

Heres a poem,
Music that Centers Me

When the words really speak to me
I feel as if theres nothing else in the world
Sometimes its something that only I can see
Seeing, notes that are swirled
Words that are free
nothing holding my heart back
keeps me from making a plea
but allows me to wave like a flag
it brings me a sense of flying
its a place where I can get lost
where I dont think about dying
where I can forget about the cost
and just live in the moment
let the melody flow
I can think about all the things that I covet
and not worry about the things that I blow
I just let the music center me
get to know a new world of opportunities
I hope everyone gets to see
that music brings forth endless possibilities

This is one of my "new" poems. I mean new in the way that I am challenging myself to write not necessarily about people who have really made a mark on me at a given time but rather the other things in life that move me. This poemt came really from 3 statements that I made to a friend last night, they were:
i like listening to music and letting it center me
letting it speak to me in a way that only music can
letting me get lost in the world of music and the possibilities that the melody brings to me.

Hope you enjoyed it!

Inspiration

It seems that last night I was destined to be thinking about poetry, now I havent come up with the perfect poem yet but its a happening. I havent gotten to write for myself in a while and so that is my new focus. I tend to write about and for the people that have this major part in my life, and that works but between major people I am left with no material. THerefore I must think of how to overcome this. My solution is to dig deep, find that raw emotion within myself and then convey it to anyone who wants to read. I need to find things in life that inspire me, and not depend on humans! I need to look at things like music and the small joys in life, and maybe just maybe then I will find something to work with. Anyway, I am gonna keep this short and sweet, gotta run to class!

Talking through our Blogs

Its funny that we are talking through our blogs, in a way it makes me want to smile, partially for the ones who don't know that this is how we sometimes talk, can you imagine their faces?!
So for the "this means i cant sleep tonight"
Boys will be boys, they will do the things that we dont like or that make us like them all the more but really, is it about waiting for us to break or is it that there are so many road blocks in the way that we become stronger. With each heartbreak and each sad song that we listen to, each boy that we like and each one that likes someone else, its a game right? The game of life. And I for one am not gonna let it break me, it can through road blocks in my life, of death, confused friends, bad illnesses, a plane delay, a basketball in my hands or a basketball player that I ignore because ive caught the basketball, and it only makes me stronger. This experience is a learning curve, YOU TOO are getting stronger but damnit it doesnt feel like it, i know. I know it sounds like a cliche, and it doesnt sound like it will really work but things do get better. It may not be today, or tomorrow, next week or next month or even next year but we are only starting our lives, and we have 60ish more years to be happier. And it may not be a man, or a woman that makes you happier but yourself. The one person that you can ALWAYS depend on no matter what. Oh, and a nice warm body of a dog will always help too!

as for the "plot lines can only get you so far"
its amazing and i love it and it makes me want to cry!
gotta love life and the irony that goes with it.

So, thats my rant before class today, stick around, there might just be some more!

How did this happen?

How did I get in the middle of the drama? And why didnt I see it before. Ive been there, the person that is just the best friend when two of her friends are flirting and getting to know one another, it sucks and I never would wish that on my worst enemy, yet it seems that I am doing almost the same thing to one of my friends. The flirting, though is just one way, and it directed at me which is almost worse.
I am sorry that this is happening, you know, its not what I wanted to happen, and the hardest thing for me is to talk to him face to face about this. It is so hard because of my past, but I have to get over that and soon, not because I need myself to do this but because I cant lose the friends that have helped me through. I would do anything for them, even the thing that for me at this moment is the hardest thing in the world.
I have tried to tell him over and over that he isnt for me, others have tried too, and I hoped that it would work that way. It seems though that this boy is much more hardheaded and either doesnt hear us or wont admit it.
I never thought I would be this person, just because I was on the receiving end for so long. I never imagined that I would turn someone down for all the reasons that I was turned down. And its even harder for my mind to wrap around it because I have felt both hurts before. I know how it sucks to be turned down, being told that you are just a friend. But I also know that I have to do this, I cant drag it on, because that will just make it worse in the end.
And I know how it sucks to be the best friend of both and see this happen, although for me the interest was both ways. For me the scarring moment was at my birthday party, and people were playing hide and seek, Katie and Tim couldnt be found and then his brother and my best friend Matt went to look in the barn. When they got to the barn Tim was apparently pulling up his pants. I would never betray anyone like that, because I know the pain.
So if you are reading, my promise is this, I am going to do the best I can at reinforcing the friendships that I have and making clear that I dont want anything more. I plan to do this by sitting him down and crying it out if I need to. And I am only crying because I feel the pain that he is going through, but you will be there to comfort him and we will all get past this. We will kick the elephant out of the room! I love you dearly and I would do anything for you.

Unwritten

My future is still unwritten, yes I am listening to Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield, but still it applies! I woke up this morning singing Pocahontas' Just Around the River Bend and I thought to myself that I had found myself. I may not know what I am gonna do with my life, and I may not have my major nailed down, but at this moment in time thats not what matters. What matters is who I am now and what I do now. I have a wonderful group of friends that will back me up if needed and I have a strength I never really had before, and most of all I believe in myself. I know that I wont settle for anything less than what I want, that I may not be very forward and outgoing but I can take baby steps and then I might just become more outgoing, its already working.
So, to roughly define myself:
I am sometimes naive
I am a good kid- I just dont have the need to drink or smoke or have sex
I love basketball, and am VERY eager for basketball season to start- just a couple more months!
I will more than likely go in the business field somewhere, accounting or in a hotel maybe.
Though its only two weeks into classes, I have found a passion- Accounting, we will see how it lasts.
I am in a sorority, but I dont let that define me, I want people to know me for other reasons, and I like being in a sorority because I dont necessarily fit the bill.
I like to walk but I dont get to enough.
I love my animals and my family but I am learning how to survive with out them, I may not always have my loved ones around, and college is the perfect practice.
I dont have a boyfriend, and I like being single, but I hope to find the wonderful world of couplehood. I think that I am now ready for a guy in my life, as long as he meets a few requirements! And this is coming after a year of growth.
Lastly, I am ready to face whatever heads my way, yes I am scared shitless but I have friends and family and animals and I can and will get through any hard times.

One Year Later

Today is another anniversary that is noteable. It is the one year anniversary of the death of my grandma. I miss her but more than that I am striving to live a life that would make her proud. She told me several times as I was growing up that she was so proud of me and I want to always have that image. I am not saying that I wont make mistakes, that I wont do bad things but I want to always be able to say that she would have been proud of me. Not only have I been living her legacy but I have grown so much this past year and I refuse to say that none of it has to do with her, there is something there. I feel that her presence is around and in me and that I have grown into a stronger woman because of her and subsequently her death.
So today is not a sad day where I am stuck in my room crying because I am having such a hard time letting my grandma go, but rather a day of celebration. I am looking back on all the things that I have done this past year and all the ways that I have grown, I have worked to conquer some of my silly fears, I have gotten my first real job and I am striving to accomplish good things in school, and I feel that at least part of it is a dedication to my grandma.
I think that if there is a way for people to look over their loved ones after they have passed away, my grandma is definately looking over me today, and I am having a great day in her memory.
I miss you grandma, and I love you!

Rainy Day

What is it about the timing of some rainy days that just makes me happy? My week has been sucky and its not that the rain today was just another bad thing but rather something to wash the bad week away. It makes me happy, excited and refreshed. Yesterday, while looking at my schedule for the day I was worried about not getting everything done, so I did all my homework last night. Then today I got out of lab an hour early, and I walked through the rain and I was energized.
My uncle is still alive and even improving, they took him off of the respirator today and he was awake and talking and when asked if he could see he responded with a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning sad and irritated, I was worried about my schedule for the day and I am still just emotionally exhaused from this emotion filled week. I was even sick to my stomach this morning, and I had a headache. But things have run smoothly and I have calmed down.
I am blessed that my uncle is alive, that I have been able to see my family- some of which I havent seen since my grandmas funeral, my immediate family is fine, and most of all I am fine and healthy and alive.
I think I have finally learned the lesson of balance, at least in my current state of living, I do my homework on time, and I am hanging out with my friends, maybe not as much as they want me to but hey I do spend time with them. And most of all I am really making myself a home here in Lexington. I know my mom thinks that I dont call enough and I am sorry for that because I do love her its just that I dont think about it as much, I am growing up. I love my mom, and my dad and I think that they are going through the empty nest syndrome now, where as I was so homesick last year that they didnt have a chance to really miss me. My dad even told me that he was holding Payton hostage at the house so that if I wanted to visit her I would have to go home!

Anyway, I am loving the cleansing rain and I hope you are as well. Life has its hard times but things can always get better and even if they dont, its just another lesson! (What can I say I am an eternal optimist!)
Love you all! :)

The need to cry

Funny how things work out. This time last year my granmda was dying, yet I didnt cry for that death, was it because I was aware that it was happening or was it that I just didnt feel that I had the time to mourn her. After all, I had just moved away from home for the first time and I was incredibly homesick. But I think now, a year later I am mourning her. This comes also at the time that my Uncle is hospitalized in critical condition from what we think is methanol poisoning. Still, remembering grandmas death, having to go through this thing with my uncle and then realizing just how incredibly sweet my family is, not just my immediate family but my extended family. I find it soothing in a way that the family comes together in a time of need. I have a total of 4 first cousins and they are all 30 or older so I didnt really get to know them growing up, I mean I knew of them and they were family so I saw them at holidays but I never really got to know them personally. And I guess its part of growing up, or part of this Carnes family coming together when its needed but I had a great conversation with my cousin Bobby. I even got to talk a little to Mickey too. I picked Bobby up from the hospital and lent him my car so that he could get around Lexington- afterall I have classes to go to and if I desperately needed to get somewhere I have friends that would take me, and after he returned it I realized that he had given me money to pay for parking and he had filled up my tank with gas, it was such an unexpected surprise but it made me realize that the Carnes family not only comes together but we really care about one another, looking at what he did I am positive I would have done the same thing.
This post really started out as more of a reflexive note and a way to get my tears out in kind of a final way. When my mom called Monday morning at 6 am to tell me what was going on I almost dropped the phone, I was in shock and after talking to her I cried for 30-45 minutes. In a way I guess things just kind of stopped for me, it wasnt an expected illness, but it was sudden and something that took me of guard. I have dealt with multiple human and animal deaths in the past year and I guess it all just kind of hit me at once. Now, my uncle is NOT dead, so thank god for small favors. But he still isnt out of the woods yet. Still, even 3 days later when I am left alone to my own devices I still cry, I still get overwhelmed. A part of me wants to shut down and break down but then again I want to rise above it, I want to live, I want to carry my grandmas legacy, I want to be something more.
And then theres the other part of the reaction I had. I was in bed when I got the call and more than anything I wished at that moment that I had a boyfriend who would just hold me and tell me that he was there for me. I mean I have wonderful friends that are doing their best to hold me together, the friends who hug me because I am sad, because they know this year has been really hard. But I still dont have the person in my life that is there unconditionally. I am not saying that I will find that one person that I will be with until I die, but at somepoint I hope to find the person that I feel that will happen with, in other words I know the world isnt perfect and people change and things happen but I hope to find a guy who at least for several years we have a happy healthy life together. But the moment of getting the phone call, I just wanted someone to hold me, to keep me together. It didnt happen and I am strong enough to support myself, to hold myself together but sometimes I wish to just share the burden.
Thats where my head is today.

Bittersweet

I last saw him March of 2003, roughly 4 months after he moved. This was a person that I liked and some people even believe that I loved. I liked him for 7 years before he moved and then it took me roughly a year to get over him. A person that I had wrapped my life around, the only reason that people called me a bitch- I was pretty jealous, but then again I had some of my best times hanging out with him and I wouldnt change any of that for the world. Live and learn right? So why is he in my mind now, am I worried about him, are our fates gonna bring us back together? I dont know. And even if we were brought back together he is no longer someone that I would want to be with, this person changed. But I still remember the person that was such a big part of my life. Even if I tended to be jealous of the girls that he liked, we had a great friendship. And to think it all started because of his dog! Spending time at his house- which was so close to my bus stop, playing with Nala, and the puppies. And then Nala was gone but our friendship stuck. It wasnt just me and him, there was Natalie too. She was our glue, I was just to nervous around him and she linked us. Then Natalie left, and you know we still hung out, but then his brother and sister were our glue. But then, on his 14th birthday he came over and hung out with me, for pretty much the whole day. I always felt like part of his family, I even got invited to family events. And for a long time it was hard for me to remember these things, to look at my past and be happy, I was to wrapped up in the memories where you kept telling me that I was just a good friend, like a sister(Which I guess I was). And now all the memories are bittersweet. I may have been young, but I learned, and I remember, and now I can really smile.

This post started because of a dream that I had last night, and I was kind of a blast from the past. It was shocking and I felt like I was a little kid again- not necessarily a good thing, because I was back to being shy and uncomfortable. I have worked too hard to break out of my shell to let this person push me back into it. So for me I have moved on. I will remember this person, with happy and sad thoughts. And now, I can really be bittersweet about the times I thought were insanely tough.

For those who dont know who I am talking about, his name is Tim and he was a person that I revolved many parts of my life around for seven years. And I tended to define parts of myself because of him, like people asking about me I would tell them that I liked a guy for 8 years, I am breaking away from that definition of myself, finally.

A New Day

I only have a few minutes til I have to get ready for work but I wanted to get this down. Today was a day of discovery. A little over an hour agi i decided that I wanted to play the piano. Now I had lessons when I was like 10 and I still have those books but I really dont remember much, so I started from the beginning all over again. I played for about a half hour and then decided I wanted to find the books that I started playing out of, and I found my first piano lesson but I also found a great deal more. I found the books of music that my mom had written out, songs with guitar chords- are they chords? And then I got curious, it was kind of a want to find more music but it was also curiosity spiked during a very religious conversation that I had last night, the conversation focused around Islam and their beliefs, now I wanted to contribute but I really dont know anything about Islam. So on my little search today I remembered and then found the Koran that my family owns. Inside is a note to my mom from her Muslim friend, and thats when it hit me. There is SO much in my house that I havent really ever taken an interest in. Not only do we have a Koran but we have a "regular" Bible and a book of Mormons. So much to learn and its right at my finger tips. And its not only religious books that we have but "Common Sense" and some of the classics that I should have read in school but havent. Its funny that now, when I have to get ready for work is when my curiosity is really peaked. I must wait til tomorrow to do some more searching. Not only am I intrigued by the history that is in my house but I realized the reason for keeping journals- its not necessarily for yourself but rather for the generations after you. I may be late in the game but I am going to hit the ground running.
So much discovered, a new leaf, a new day, I am about to fly away!

Old stuff

I have been finding some of my old poems, so I thought I might share one or two, probably only one at the moment.
This one is called Maybe One Day
A great person
cant you see?
happy on the outside
lonly and sad inside
though you dont see it
its definitely there
a heart broken one too many times
a soul searching for the right one
isnt it sad... how many times shes gotten shot down
told shes just a good friend
not what she wants but so what, who cares
maybe one day
someone will actually love her
maybe one day
she will be more than just a friend
maybe one day
hopefully some day
she'll be happy inside
like shes always been... outside

Realizations

So much to say, I dont know where to start. I guess I'll start with my retreat. It started and I was kind of by myself, people flocking to one another after being apart for several months, but these werent the people that got me through the hard things, these were the people who came after. And though I love each one of them, its a distanced love, if that makes sense. These people havent gotten the full Jessie experience! HAHA. Anyway after a while I was folded up into the experience and it didnt matter that these people didnt know everything about me, but that they were accepting me and that was nice. And though during the retreat there was conversation of relationships, I felt good. See usually I feel left out or like a loser when people talk about relationships, but because I am newly happy with my single status I just listened and took everything in!

Then last night/this morning I had a LONG, interesting conversation with some friends. We talked about everything from Michael Phelps, dorm room decor, homework that I was getting a head start on, Viagra, Birth Control, Guardasil, to more personal things like first thing noticed about the opposite sex, death, and virginity (in an odd manner, lol). This conversation made me realize that I have some great friends, even if they seem to be a little protective. And that I wouldnt trade the experiences of the last year, good and bad, for anything in the world.

And this morning when I woke up, I woke up from a dream that left me feeling content. I dont remember what it was about but I know that it was nice and happy. Which led me to realize that these past couple of days have been important to me, my how much I have learned since Thursday! Though I was slowly coming around to the idea that there isnt and wont be a guy in my life for a while- or so I suspect, I am in a good place, and I really do love myself. And I miss the people who have really shown that I am important to them. So I cant wait to go back to Transy!

The last thing I want to talk about at the moment happened while I was shopping with my dad. We were in the checkout line for Kroger and the bagger made the comment that he liked my shirt, (One that says Amsterdam- I kinda had an inside joke at the comment!) and that he and his dad were supposed to go there. This kid just kept talking to me and I was polite and smiled and such, and then I realize that he could be trying to flirt with me- yes I'm bad at the flirting game! haha. So when we left my dad was like so you know that boy? And I said no, he said well you all seemed to be talking a lot so I thought either you knew him or he was flirting with you. See only after the fact do I realize that flirting happened! LOL and usually its my dad that points it out to me! :) And that just makes me laugh. But kind of a take home message I got was to not give up hope- be happy with myself, have a little fun and just let life happen! So thats what I am gonna do! :)

Remembering You

I am all ok until someone asks about you.
This last time it was my mom,
just curious about how long it took
to get rid of your song
til i no longer shook
or forgot to long
to be able to remember you and not ache
i tell her it was 8 years
but still whenever you are mentioned
the wounds are raw again
its not that i miss you
or even that i want you
rather its the memory of you
because for so long you were such a part of my life
but now i only have memories
some good and some bad
but mostly they are fading
a distant ache, that i feel occasionally
and that raw hurt that happens maybe once a year
so, im grateful to remember
but also to be able to get past it
and to be open to the future

The person I am vs. the person I want to be

I depend too much on other people. It isnt necessarily a bad thing but it is something that I have noticed about myself. See when making a decision that isnt in my immediate realm of comfort I turn to about 3-5 people and ask their opinion. Luckily I usually go with my first instinct because it is what my friends also think that I should do but I think I need to start cutting out my friends, not in my life just in some of the decisions that I need to make for myself.

On another note... ther are some things that I want to do but havent for one reason or another- mostly because I am slightly scared.
One of these things is backpacking. I have been once, my mom and I went over 8 years ago when I was 11. We did a 10 mile loop at Red River Gorge. It was fun but I havent done it since, and recently I have been seeing pictures of people I know backpacking and it makes me want to get out there. So, I am gonna try!

Anyway, I am gonna go to sleep now! Goodnight!

Accepting things

So, I went and took that walk, and I am now feeling slightly better. I mean I realize that I am not cured of my fears but I am working on them one at a time. Today I went and took that walk again. Slowly but surely I will get better.
But today I am not writing about my fears, no my focus is on the dream that I had last night. See I am ok with the fact that I am not finding the guy that I want to be with at this point in my life, or rather I am slowly getting better at being ok with it. But last night I had this dream, and it made me think that I may not have a guy in my life now, and I may not have one in the next couple of years but I have faith that I will have one eventually, and I do think that I will get married and have kids, at least 2 probably more, and I am ready to just live my life as it happens.
Anyway the dream: In this dream I got married. And it was wonderful, haha. The person that I married was wonderful, he treated me right, he fit in with my family and he made me downright happy. Now, I dont remember many details of who he was other than he had dark hair and he was slightly taller than me, and he wasnt too skinny! haha. I remember what the rings we gave each other looked like and i remember that he wrote a short poem for me and had it ingraved in something (maybe bracelet or a jewelry box). And I remember that after we got married, we just hung out, I mean like instead of heading right to the reception we just hung out together in a field sharing things. And thats about all I remember. Lets just say that this is one of the dreams that I hope comes true! With that I'm gone!

The desire to be more independant

I like my life, I generally like who I am and the people that I stay in touch with but I am missing something. Its something that doesnt always stick out at me, something that I dont generally think about but it is in a way a sense of direction and adventure. I go to college, I enjoy it, for the most part, and I have some amazing friends. But I feel stuck, and its not their fault, but rather mine, I am generally a reserved and shy person, I dont like to be alone and therefore dont venture out into the world, even a world that I am familiar with, unless there is someone with me. I dont necessarily like this quality of myself, I wish that I was able to do things on my own, go out and feel the world for myself. I have an honorary family, really my neighbors and their extended family, that goes places and does things. Yes, I travel, but always with my family. Always a "safe" destination. I want to be able to go hiking on a whim, by myself, without waiting for someone to keep me "safe".
I want to be able to go out in the world, explore things like 4th Stree Live, without having a body there to keep me "safe".
It isnt that I need the people to look over me, but rather that I feel the need to have someone to look after, I yearn for the company.
Having dogs gives me some freedom, while I am home, but when at college, there are so many things that I want to do but dont because I am afraid of being somewhere alone.

My goal is to learn to be more independent.
Step one: go for a walk, by myself for the first time since someone was raped at the local Arboretum.

The Big 100

This is my 100th post. Yay. And I only have 10 minutes to write what I want. There really isnt a topic for today other than maybe sharing some of the interesting things that I have learned in the past few days. See I had an old friend get married on Saturday, and she invited me to the wedding. I went because I remember when the couple originally got together and how fun their courtship was to watch on the outside! But going through the receiving line after the wedding was over I felt out of place, my friend barely even looked at me as I gave her a hug. I guess the days of our friendship are coming to an end, I guess we have just grown up and apart. In a way I was hurt that I was looked over but then again, I am glad that I got closure, if that makes sense. See it wasnt just her that was there, there were other old friends around and they didnt really treat me any better. I guess the friends of my past were just acquaintances, not really wonderful friends, for the most part. There are a few people that I like hanging out with, although sometimes I feel that they use me and I dont like being used, I have been used enough in my lifetime, short as that might be.

Anyway, I learned that the people that I saw on Saturday, that its ok to move on. I have my Transy family, and they are the ones that have truly been there for me. So I am not looking to friends of the past so much as eager to see what the future brings me. Gotta go.

The Future

I don't know what my future holds, but I know that for some reason my head keeps thinking about the possibilities. So this is my way of keeping track of everything that is swirling in my head. Anyway, if you are actually reading this, just remember that all the situations are hypothetical.
I think I will start with the newest one. I realized today that when my brother's favorite player that he has coached graduates from high school, I will be graduatiing from college. It took me by surprise and was kind of a scary thought because after college I have to actually do something for the rest of my life, which it totally exciting but also, as I said, scary.
Another new one is that I realized that really I don't have to be married before I have a kid. I don't even have to have had a man in my life. I have always wanted to adopt and you know if I feel that I am ready to be a mom and in a comfortable place in life, I can adopt and be a mom. I have thought for a while now that I wanted to be married at 23 and have kids at 25 but if 25 rolls around and I'm not married, it doesn't mean that I cant have a kid. I thought of this because there are several people I know that are 25 or older and they don't have someone in their life. Now they are in no way being held back from life but I have just thought that I would really start my family at that age. That was a fun realization.
Now saying that I can adopt if I dont have someone in my life doesnt mean that I dont WANT someone in my life. I look around and already I have friends that are my age getting married and even my cousin got married at the age of 19, and here 10 years later she is still happily married.

Annoyance

So though I love all my friends and I will listen to anything that they are having problems with and I will answer as honestly as possible, it doesnt mean that I agree with everything. One of my friends, my longest friend, was talking to me yesterday about how lost and sad and upset she is after the guy that she has been seeing for 3 years has turned into a jerk and told her that he didnt want to talk to her anymore. She hurt and that is totally alright, I understand that but she then goes to tell me that life isnt worth it if you are single, and that just kind of irked me. I mean I know that I would love to be with someone and such but seriously why would you want to live for anything other than yourself when you are 19 years old. She said that she didnt have any friends really that she could call because they were all in relationships, and I couldnt help to think well thats why you live for yourself, because thats the way things have been for me for a long time. You just have to get over things like that. Now, I am gonna do everything I can to be there for this person but it just kind of made me mad that she thought life wasnt worth living if you were single, and thats the only way I have lived, so I cant see any other way to live. I mean it would be great if I had someone to share my life with but I dont, and I am ok.

Alright thats my rant for the day. :)

Postsecret

Is it sad that I dont want to post my secrets on facebooks postsecret page because I know how many people will read it. Yet I feel that if I post my secrets here I am safer. I dont understand this, because everyone that I know may just read this blog, but I know of only one person who reads it regularly. So obviously I am not going to share ALL of my secrets but I will share some of them, things that at least someone already knows.
~ I have thought about who would visit me in the hospital if I was there for somereason and have even thought about being injured just to see who would show up, NOW my disclaimer is that I will never do anything stupid or purposeful just to end up in the hospital. I also think about who might show up at my funeral
~ My dad said that he wouldnt make it through the year. This terrifies me, more than anything I want my dad to walk me down the aisle and I want him to be a grandfather to my children, living at least 20 more years. I never had a grandfather and I desperately want him to be there for my kids like he is for my brothers.
~ I am jealous that my brothers are married and have kids. I may not necessarily want the lives that they live but I want someone to love me and I want kids.
~ I am tired of being "just a friend", I want to be loved. But yet somehow I wonder if I am ready for that.
~ I have a timeline for how I want my life to play out, but I dont expect it to work out. I also have a list of qualities that I really want in a guy and the ONE person that I have met that has these qualities probably wont love me.
~ I have an insanely obsessive personality, but it doesnt mean that I am a stalker. I care deeply for the important people in my life, and sometimes I have a one track mind that gets stuck on one person. Usually this doesnt last very long but its there nonetheless.
~ I love traveling but and deathly afraid of traveling alone. I want to see the world but I want to see it with the people in my life.
~ I am very self-conscious of things that put me in front of people, things like dancing or exercising in a gym, yet I am totally fine with talking to a bunch of people.
~ I dont always stand up for myself or the things that I feel strongly about, but I am getting better.
~ My college friends are the closest friends that I have EVER had, yet there are things that I cant tell them.
~ After my grandma died this past year followed by 5 other people that I know I became numb and couldnt cry for the deaths. I only cried for my grandma.
~ I get very frustrated with people who are not observant, most frustrated with my mom. Its because of her that I am SO observant yet I cant teach her the same thing she taught me. And the thing that scares me the most is that when I was talking to the creepy guy she just didnt notice. And I cant help but think that if my dad was there I wouldnt have talked to that creepy guy very long.

And here is where I will stop.

Last Day and reflections

Last night was our last evening in San Antonio so we went out and about. Grandma and I met mom and a new friend at the convention center and then went on a River boat tour, which was fun and semi-relaxing. There was a small child sitting next to me and she kept grabbing me, personally I thought it was funny, the childs mom on the other hand was slightly frustrated. After the river boat tour we slowly meandered to a place for dinner, we were originally going to go to the Rainforest Cafe but it had a 2 hour wait so we walked along riverwalk to find a more available eatery and we ended up at a really expensive somewhat mexican place. Now, this is food that I really dont like to eat, my mom keeps telling my grandma not to worry about me I will find food but really, really it would be nice if just on ONE trip we wouldnt have to go somewhere different for me to find food at all, its a hassle and I dont like watching everyone else eat before I get my chance. But alas, that doesnt happen and so we had lovely dinner conversation, talking about all the fun vet stories, sharing greusome details like how mom's new friend shut her hand in the door and the door was locked and how her pointer finger was barely hanging on and such, WONDERFUL dinner conversation if I say so myself. During this dinner my mom had her first margarita off the top shelf, and made me try it. Honestly alcohol just isnt my thing, the only thing that I have really liked that has alcohol in it was an Amaretto (spelling?) Sour, that was good. But the margarita just had an odd taste, not one that I liked. After the grownups had their dinner it was my turn. The only upside to not finding anything that I like to eat when the grownups eat is that my food is WAY cheaper, seriously, my dinner last night cost LESS than the tip that we left at the grownups dinner, and with my food I get a 10% discount for being a AAA member! So HA! And thats it for our last evening in San Antonio. Oh, over the course of the day my grandma and I walked at least 5 miles.

Now for my reflections, not all having to do with San Antonio. First this trip has time and again put me out of my comfort zone. SO many strangers came up to me and talked to me and I am not just talking about J.J. the creepy cowboy or the black guy at the rent a car counter. I got stopped by two people because of my Kentucky Wildcats shirt, and told to smile again, and was asked to take pictures. I guess this trip I just didnt look real happy, I mean I had a fairly good time, yes I was frustrated with mom and grandma a lot but I still had a good time, but I see myself as a fairly smiley person, so being told to smile just really threw me off! haha. And even though J.J. the cowboy was really creepy and such he made a lot of sense, the things he talked about were true and got me to think a lot. Now I didnt get swept up under his wing and just totally admire the guy, that ISNT what I am saying, and I would have NEVER gone anywhere with him, but because I dont like being rude I really listened to what he was saying and some of the things he said got me to thinking about where I am and even who I want to be and why things happen like they do.
And so branching from that I have thought about all my friendships and how much they mean to me. So everyone out there that I am close to who reads this, know that I love you all very much and as I said in an earlier post, I am only obsessive about your life because I just care that much. And I would do just about anything for everyone of you and am honored when you tell me your deepest secrets, it makes me feel like I have done something right! tee hee.

Now grandma is pacing the hotel room packing things up, so I best get my little butt in gear. I'll write more soon!

The last few days

Its funny how when we have busy days I keep up better with the blog. Anyway the last few days have been fairly calm, the Vet conference started on Wednesday and so grandma and I walked mom to the conference and then came back to the hotel and watched a movie and just kind of hung out, we then went and picked mom up and we all ate dinner and didnt really do much more than that.

Yesterday we woke up, took mom to the convention and hung out and read while she had her first morning sessions, then we went to the exhibit hall and got LOTS OF FREE STUFF!! Then while mom attended a couple more sessions before lunch grandma and I went and hung out at the mall, we walked around the mall for about 2 hours! We met mom for lunch, and mom bought me some BOOTS! :) Real boots from Texas, I'm SO excited to get them- they didnt have the right color so they ordered them for me and are going to send them to me in the mail. After another round in the exhibit hall grandma and I came back to the hotel and watched another movie, and again, didnt really do anything. Mom stayed later this time for a Wine and Cheese and she got drunk, so we had to go get her!

Today mom woke up late, and grandma and I stayed in the hotel for the morning, and then we met mom for lunch and walked ALL OF RIVER WALK! And then we stopped by a little shoppy thing and I broke down and bought a nice sterling silver ring- I have been a little quick at spending money, imagine that. Anyway after our walk- which was about 3 miles overall, grandma and I are back in the hotel just relaxing.

Convention Center, Art Museum and J.J the (Creepy) Cowboy

Yesterday, Tuesday, we had a lazy beginning to the day. I somehow got mom and grandma to watch some random movie and then we decided to go see where the convention center was so that mom could find her way back and forth. And I admit I was not in the best of moods but I was trying hard not to let it show, so I stayed ahead and just tried to calm myself down for most of the day. I felt bad for not being in a great mood but I was trying to put it behind me, mom and grandma however commented on it everytime we stopped somewhere, needless to say that didnt help the mood, but anyway we checked out the convention center and Hemisfair park, where the world fair took place 40 years ago, and we were just meandering around taking our time getting back to the hotel, stopping to eat and such.
Once back to the hotel we just hung out for about 20 minutes, then we headed to the art museum. In the parking lot we got in another fight and I told them that I just liked walking by myself. BIG MISTAKE. The museum was nice, for the first 3 collections anyway, but then while I was sitting down waiting for mom and grandma some random guy came up to talk to me, and it wasnt necessarily a bad conversation but when mom and grandma passed me and DIDNT notice it, nor try to get me out of the situation I started to panic. The guy was telling me how I i should be an artist and that people dont live up to their potential because of fear. All in all most of what he said made sense, up to the point where he told me that it was God's plan that he and I were talking right then. I mean I believe that everything happens for a reason, and meeting him was creepy and such but I got a lot out of the the conversation. But anyway, FINALLY he let me go and I really started to panic because I didnt know where my mom and grandma were and I didnt have my cell phone and I knew that they wouldnt leave without me but I just needed to find them because that man had truly freaked me out. I look back on it as almost an out of body experience. But anyway, I find mom and grandma and burst into tears. I was so frustrated with them because they hadnt paid attention, and it isnt really their fault, they just DONT pay that close attention to things around them, but god it scared me because I do, and I was VERY aware of when they left me. I had been counting on them to be my escape and they didnt notice that the creepy guy was talking to me. They feel bad but so do I, after all I had JUST told them that I liked walking alone. But see what I meant is that I like being quiet and thinking about things, I dont like to talk constantly, and they do, and after a while the noise of chatter gets on my nerves. SO I learned my lesson, to not be so snappy and to understand that maybe I am hurting their feelings without wanting to, and for that I am sorry. But I wish that they would learn to be more aware of things around them, I think that this episode also scared them so maybe they will be more aware. That and my mom gave me a lecture on how it is ok to be rude to strangers, especially if they are creepy.
Anyway, I think that is about it for what happened yesterday, tomorrow morning I plan to post today's happenings... nothing to get too excited about though!

Panera, Botanical Gardens, Wildlife Ranch and Bertha

Today we started by going to Panera breads for breakfast. We had a really cheerful cashier and that put me in a good mood for the day! After breakfast we went to the Botanical Gardens here in San Antonio, we probably spent two to three hours there, it was beautiful and fun. They had random gardens, a rose garden, and 3 native Texas gardens. Our favorite was the Texas Hills garden, reminded us of home. The best part of the botanical gardens, in my mind was feeding the ducks and turtles. The first time I fed the animals it was just 4 ducks and they were very friendly and demanding, but demanding in the nicest way of course!! It was fun they were mallards of course. Then we walked further around the pond and found another feeding spot. My generous grandma gave me some more quarters to feed the ducks and the next thing I know a Red Eared (spelling?) Slider was on the bank eating some of the food that I had dropped. It really took me by surprise. :)So I then started trying to feed the turtles as well as the ducks and ended up with 6 ducks and about 13 turtles. WOW. I really dont know why but that was my favorite part of the botanical gardens!! :) After walking around we went to the gift shop! And thank goodness we had grandma, just kidding. But grandma splurged and bought herself a shirt that cost over 100 dollars and said that since she was splurging that we could splurge too, so I got a nice Dragonfly totebag and little turtle, to remind me of the feeding fest.
From there we went to the Wildlife Ranch and that was fun. Wow where to start? Well we get our tickets and our bags of food. We pass some giraffes which arent with the rest of the animals, though we arent sure why, maybe because they are just SO BIG. But still there are giraffes there and we got to see them, lots of adults and some babies as well. Then we start driving in the wild areas, where all the other animals are loose, allowed to just wander around. The food that we are given is supposed to be thrown at the animals but the animals were real friendly so we ended up hand feeding them. The first thing that I hand fed was a Barasingha deer. We then saw lots and lots of other animals, including, Watusi cows, the famous Texas Longhorns, some Bison, Kudu, Springbok, Gemsbok, Formosan Sika, Elk, Scimitar Horned Oryx, Nilgai, Wildebeest (there were VERY cute, VERY young babies!!!), Aoudad, a Rhino, Bactrian Camels (a baby one here too, a Cape Buffalo- BIG, Ostrich- which tried to come in the car, NOT my idea of fun, and therefore I was called a sissy by my mom and grandma because I was unwilling to feed the Ostriches, Rhea, Emu, Donkeys, Addax, Llamas and my favorites the Damaraland Zebras. There was a whole herd of zebras and they understood that cars=food. So they would come up to the cars and DEMAND food, I was all to willing to comply!! There were several youngsters here too and feeding the Zebra's was my highlight of the whole park, well that and 2 cute guys but thats besides the point! The zebras also tried to get into the car, getting their WHOLE head in the car and demanding food; they were also tame enough to pet and that was just so much fun.
Bertha is our GPS system that is just wonderful, she has gotten us all around Texas, well with my help of course!! haha. Bertha doesn't always go the way I want her to so I force her to recalculate when I dont do things her way! But we like Bertha and she is a big help!
After the wildlife park we came back to the hotel, stopping at wal-mart for essentials.
We chilled in the room for a while and then went down to swim and that was nice, a good way to relax. Mom and grandma were asleep at about 9:30 and I only made it to 10 before I turned everything off and fell asleep myself.

Riverwalk

Apparently San Antonio is pretty well known for their River walk which is actually about 20 feet below the city, and its really neat. We went exploring it some earlier in the day, theres tons of eatery's along it and I think its just pretty soothing. Not sure why exactly but soothing nonetheless. This time while walking I decided that I was feeling firly, which never happens for those of you who dont know me, lol, and so I wore a skirt!! Amazing huh? I thought so... anyway we had a good walk down along the river, although we didnt go very far. Anyway we had fun, and I felt girly. OOH we also saw a pretty cute guy and he was wearing a kilt!! :) good times... Alright that's all I had to say really about Riverwalk.

San Antonio, flight and Day 1

So now its the middle of the day and very hot in this nice Texas town, and we are inside trying to stay cool, mom and grandma are sleeping and I am watching Pirates of the Caribbean, Curse of the Black Pearl.
Today started early for us, we were up at 4 and left the house at 4:30, at the airport at 5 and flew out at 7. Our first plane was just from Louisville to Charlotte N.C. it was the first flight that I can remember actually falling asleep on and even being fairly comfortable. And our layover was relatively pleasant as well, it was about an hour and a half and thats where we had brunch. I had a fruit bowl with pineapple!! It was good, and a sweet tea from Starbucks, also very good. Anyway the flight from Charlotte to San Antonio was about 2 and a half hours and there was a teenage boy infront of me maybe 13-14. He was very talkative and somewhat annoying and pointing out EVERYTHING to his mom, but then he got some music going and was quiet! I also slept quite a bit on that flight as well. So we get to San Antonio, get in the shuttle that will take us to our rental car place and the first words spoken to me by someone other than my mom or grandma in Texas is "smile". This black guy that was on our shuttle bus saw me and said smile, so I did. Then while we were waiting for our car, a Ford Fusion, he asked me how old i was. TALK ABOUT RANDOM. That question totally threw me off. But he insisted that he was just trying to cheer me up, apparently I looked like I wasn't very happy. So then drove to the hotel, which is a really nice, OLD hotel and its across the street from the Alamo, I can see the wall of the Alamo from our room!! Exciting.
After checking in and such we went exploring, which included seeing the Alamo, making a trip to the Del Sol shop and walking around river walk and eating. We at at some British Pub and there was a table next to us with some really drunk people so drunk that they were cut off from the bar. Kind of interesting to watch them.
Grandma was having shoe issues and so we came home for the hot part of the day. I think we plan to go out walking and exploring later. Until then... have fun!!

Frustration, Irritation, and Getting Away.

So I am frustrated and irritated, obviously. I mean I know that I have somewhat of an obsessive personality but its not because I care about you oh so much, but rather its because I care about everyone. I remember things, I think about things, its just who I am. And apparently this is just too much for some people. Its not that I am stalking anyone, its just that its what I do, I get to know the people I am around and I tell them of the things that make me think of them. So dammit I am sorry if I may scare you, its not on purpose, I dont have evil plans in my head.
ARG, I am angry. I cant really put a finger on a single reason for my anger. I think though, its related to my teeth still hurting from the dentist and getting the cold shoulder so to speak from a person who I had up until now considered one of my really good friends from college.
And by the way, I am going to San Antonio and so as usual, I will keep my travel stories on here. :) That is if anyone reads this still, on a regular basis.
One last scream before I move on, so SCREAM!!!!! And goodnight everyone.

The Start of Summer

First I will address the previous post, because things have changed. I definately still love the person that I was talking about in that post, and I hope that they will always be in my life but I am not so hung up on him as I was. I have realized something, and partly it was because of something revealed to me and partly I think it was just the time for me to move forward. This person was my rock for a while and it occured to me that maybe I wasn't as ready for a relationship as I thought. Sad as it was I need a guy, someone who meant a lot to me, to help me understand that I really am a good person, that I can be wanted. This person helped me with that and I am eternally grateful.
I am really glad to be home with my family and I even have an interview tomorrow, which is exciting for me. I have learned a lot and grown so much in the past year, and I am thankful for that.
So in wants to keep this post short, I will stop here. Goodnight

Missing You

It is hard for me to admit how much I miss you, mostly because we aren't together. There's not much more in this world, at this time that I would like more than being with you. But then again I have been hurt in the past and its just hard for me to step out on that limb one more time. I know you may never read this but I feel just a little bit better, writing out how I feel.
Anyway, I miss you more than you know, I feel like something huge in my life is missing since you are gone. I know that is kinda silly but the past couple of weeks, we have been together a lot, basically all of my free time we have been together, and it has been so nice that I dont want it to stop. I know that we will see each other again before the beginning of summer break and I just hope, really hope that I am able to tell you the way that I feel.
I dont know if you like me back. And I dont know where you stand.
But I do know that I like you;
I know that you are constantly on my mind,
I know that I have never felt this way about someone before
And I know that if something doesnt happen, at first I will be really hurt
But I will get over it and if we cant be a real we, I hope with all my heart that we can at least be friends for a long time to come.
Now, that I have beared my heart for the world to see, I will now do something else!
Til Next time,
Jessie

My 19th Birthday

here it is my ninteenth birthday
and i dont know whats wrong with me
i sit here at 12:07 in the morning
and i am crying
i cry myself to sleep,
because i cant think of many good things
i wake up the next morning and see all my birthday wishes
i cry again
maybe its because the things that i really want
the things i feel i need in my heart
are things that im not going to get
i wish for them every year
and only once has it come close
its a void that most people can fill
one that i have been ignoring for a while
and i cant ignore it anymore
sure, im loved
by friends who are wonderful
and a family that is always there
but i need something more
someone to really love me
someone who wants to be with me
someone who can hold me
someone to make these tears go away
but im doubtful ill find him today
so i will get up and face the day
i will wear a smile
so that i can hide all this pain
for just a little while

After Israel

So we are back, we have been for a few weeks now and the routine is the same, things are happening and life is flying by, but there are some things that I just cant stop thinking about. So first off, the people that stick with you, you know the ones that get stuck in your head for random periods of time and then they are gone, but then they show up again. I have one of those and I dont know what to do. On the one hand I would love to be in a good relationship but I have kind of high standards and I wont let myself be with someone who I dont think could be THE ONE, not that there is only one but still. For some reason I wont entertain the idea of a relationship unless I think it will be long lasting, I am just not a fling type of girl. Anyway, theres this person that is in my head for days at a time and I wonder about him, hope hes safe, and I can see having a future with him but my logical brain is telling me that it doesnt have a good chance of working out. That sucks, but hey I guess I gotta live life and see how things go. But before that I am just ready to have someone who will hold me, be there for me. I suppose I am picky about the person that I am looking for but if he is going to have my heart dang it I HAVE to be picky, I have to protect myself. I dont want to go through the ordeal and pain of a broken heart again, its just not something that I consider fun. And being pretty much an eternally nice person I cant stand to think that I might break someone else's heart, thats ALMOST as bad as having my heart broken, but I dont want to lead a person on because thats wrong, is there a way that I can nicely tell someone that I am just NOT interested in being anything more than friends. But I do want to be friends. At this point there is one person that I would want to be with, though it is incredibly hard, but I dont want to wait around for a few years for him to decide one way or another, co bottom line, im SCREWED, and have been all my life.
Thanks for reading the Rant.
Jessie