Full disclosure.

I am writing this post as a parody of the way my brain thinks. 

Yes, these were my real thoughts, and yes, I realize they are long shots if that. So dont freak out, dont go assuming things and just laugh with and at me. :) 

Saturday I went to a wedding. While there the bride told me there was this boy she wanted me to meet. 

I panicked. 

On the one hand- weddings are supposed to be great places to meet people- right? So woot.

But on the other hand- I'm incredibly shy... so it would have been awkward to start with, but, then add the fact that my parents were there with me, that makes it even more awkward.

Sadly, my parents were really cold, and we left before the guy even got there. :( 

But, for those of you who actually know me... I dont plan on that being the end of the story with this person. I want to at least meet him- god knows I'm not meeting guys on my own, why not be set up by my friends? :) I've got nothing to lose. 

Being the person that I am, I took everything that I knew about him and made up a fictional story. I'm not saying it couldnt be real, but really, I havent even MET the guy yet. 

So this is what my mind came up with:

(I am going to call him E- its the last letter of  his first name)

E and I meet. Obviously we didnt meet at the wedding, so I get my friend the bride to "set us up" and we meet, well, I came up with E and I going bowling with the newly wedded couple. 

We hit it off. He's got a good job with the city where I want to live, hes an IT guy and somewhat of a country boy- sounds perfect. 

He will hit it off with my dad- cause hes IT and my mom because hes country. 

My brothers will appreciate the fact that he has a good job. 

So we start to date- let me reiterate- THIS HAS NOT ACTUALLY HAPPENED AND IS SIMPLY A FABRICATION OF MY IMAGINATION. 

I get a great job, the one that I want in E-town. 

We move in together in his city- Btown. 

Get engaged, married, all that good stuff. 

And live mostly happily ever after. The mostly is because I know there will be some challenges.

Anyway, heres to great imaginations, that can make weddings fun- because face it, going to a wedding single, and as a tagalong to your parents is no fun... ok so its sometimes fun, like when you are 10.. definitely NO fun when you are 22. 

ten-one-eleven

Well, I sat down to write a brilliant blog post.

And then I completely forgot what I was going to say. 

Then this overwhelming exhaustion came over me. 

So I think I will head to bed. 

But first a random fact: I love understated, elegant jewelry. Like my ring, its simple but beautiful and takes my breath away every time that wear it. I dont like gaudy, big, costume jewelry- I generally gag. But something small that has meaning, now, that its just wonderful. 

For example: my ring is something that my mom bought me for Valentine's day the year that I turned 16. 

And the necklace that I wore today is the necklace that my moms oldest KY friend gave me as a graduation present. 

Alrighty, yawning has overtaken me. Goodnight friends! 

Family history, and all that Jazz.

I, me, myself am unique. However, I, me, myself am small- a spec of dust in the scheme of things.
How can I make my spec of dust count for something?
Yes, I still feel like crap- but tonight I'm going to get a good night's sleep and I am going to wake up tomorrow and clean the house, do some of my studying and get more resume's out there.
Why, you ask?
Because today it so happened there was a Medal of Honor service in Louisville, which made me think of my family history. See, the older generations of my family served in the military.
Both of my grandfathers served and fought in World War II. And my mother's paternal grandfather was a Navy Chaplain and is buried at Arlington. As is my Great Uncle, who just passed away in March- he served in World War II and the Korean War.
My maternal grandfather and that great uncle both got the Silver Star.
So here I am, a college graduate who is trying to find a job, but mostly living at home with no prospects and no REAL job to speak of...wow, I feel so inadequate compared to my family.
And its time to change that. I gotta own my CPA exam that I take next week- REALLY own it.
Time to get up and start applying for part-time jobs, and if I get a full-time job around the same time, so be it, people do that right?
I gotta pick myself up off this freakin floor that I've hit, and be the candidate that I believe myself to be.

Feeling empowered in my sickly state... how interesting.
Anyway, heres to become just the latest in the line of awesome people in my family. I WILL get there... though maybe not right away.

Libra

Yes, as in the astrological sign.
Its my weakness.
Seriously, the one boyfriend that I have had was a Libra- born on Sept 28- yep thats today.
J is a libra... Oct 7.
And S is a libra- Sept 28... yep, I have liked 2 guys with the same birthday- its kinda weird actually.
On the flip side- I attract Cancers... interesting, no?

Anyway, let me wish happy birthday to both S and M... haha S & M- but not that, just 2 people. Sorry, sidetracked.
OH, and if I seem a little out of it, its because I have this awful cold and apparently I've been having quite a few brain malfunctions. lol.
Back to S and M the people.
It strikes me as funny that they have the same birthday, the are also 6'4''... but thats more of a universal quality in every guy that I have seriously liked.
M- well he was needy. A nice guy, but just too needy for my tastes. And I wasnt ever really willing to compromise with him for anything. He was a nice guy, and I am ashamed to say it I used him a bit- however.. he was totally aware of the situation and I never did anything behind his back, nor did I ever do anything too serious. That just sounds horrible. But he's happily in a relationship with some country girl and they have been together for almost 2 years now. Yay for him!

S- well, you've read about S, more in the past few weeks than ever before- well sort of, but hes just been a focus of mine lately. It will probably change, it usually does- but then it pretty much always comes back to him. I need to find a way to spend some time with him. This whole living so far apart is a terrible situation- although at least hes now in the states, and has access to a phone and such, whereas before it was the SUPER infrequent facebook chat, email, etc.
Cheese alert-
I remember telling my roommate freshman year. "You know how people tell you to find that one you cant live without? Well, I dont think it should go like that, because I can live without S, I just dont want to."
And thats the best I've ever been able to really articulate my feelings for him. Because he isnt a major player in my life- at least not now. He's not someone that I cant live without, because I do, thus far. But he is a person that I never want to be strangers with again.

I've never said such powerful words about any other guy that I have ever known. And to me, that tells more of a story than I ever could.

Keeping it relatively short tonight because I am sick as a dog, and I have to work tomorrow- oh great.
Goodnight loves, and dont forget, find that person that you dont want to live without- then tell them so... (something I've yet to do with my person)

sniffling, sneezing, sore throat, coughing, earaches, headache and generally just plain icky

Today I felt like crap.
But I marginally improved when I did some of my homework- wow being productive really is nice.
And I was going to take all the dogs on walks, but then I went "UGH, no thanks" so I didnt, and then paid for it the whole rest of the day.
The dogs are tired of being cooped up in the house all day. Good thing mom will be home tomorrow.
But that means I gotta do lots of house cleaning tomorrow... hopefully I wont feel crappy.
I did also change the litter in 3 of our litter pans... I know of 3 others but we ran out of litter- suppose I'll go buy some more tomorrow so that I can do that chore for mom- she will be pleased.
I need to purge the refrigerator too, and give extra goodies to pigs.
Sweeping should happen as well as dishes and doing the surfaces... hmm... good thing mom doesnt get back til 4... I think.
But I'm slowly dying here, so I think I am going to call it a night- goodnight everyone!

I am reminded

Tonight I am reminded not of the family that we are born with but rather the family that we find for ourselves.
I visited Transy for the first time while classes were in session since graduating and it was different, but at the same time, completely the same.
I have a lot of friends there still, not just fellow students but faculty members, and professors.
I got to talk/see to my T, A, C, and K in the past 2 days and just wow.
This is what a family is... people who you can turn to at any moment, but also those with whom you can share something random and special.
I love it. And finally for the first time I have true friends. Real friends who put up with every piece of me. I feel loved, and I hope that they all know that I love them very much.

I have been convinced that it is those friends that you make in college that will stick with you. And its those friendships that are truly special. I may not have found a serious significant other in college, but thats ok, I found my family. And who needs a significant other when you've got a family like mine?

Also, check out the Blake Shelton song "God gave me you" which pretty much sums up how I feel about my Transy family. :)
Love you all!

It was a dark and stormy night

exactly 2 years ago, September 25,2009. That I last saw my first boyfriend- he came to Lex for a Jason Aldean and Miranda Lambert concert. It poured and possibly stormed. Just like it is pouring and storming here tonight. 

I was supposed to go to that concert with J. But things went down and he ended up working- or so I was told. Next thing I know he has a girlfriend, and their anniversary date is listed as September 25th. (They didnt even last 9 months.)

But to keep this post short, because it is storming and I have several extra bodies in my bed.

Happy what would have been 2 years for you and Gina, J. 

I hope the Kitty relationship goes much better than the Gina one did. 

Sorry readers, my sweet demeanor will return soon. But I had a thorn in my saddle and had to get rid of it. 

Here's to stormy nights!

Presidential ball or redneck wedding?

I am not sure if I have ever shared with you my family history. Let me revise that statement, I am not sure I have ever shared with you my family history from BOTH sides of my family. I think I may have spoken about my moms side of the family and how they fascinate me and inspire me and so on and so forth.
But have I ever really mentioned my dad's side of the family?
Well, they are rednecks. Like, pretty much as redneck as they come- I'm guessing, from stories that I have heard. Plus, I mean how can you NOT be redneck and be from Leitchfield and have twins named Roy and Stoy?
Today while eating at KFC (how fitting right?) we ran into my dads cousins daughters fathers brother... or something like that.
After which my father reminded me just how country, er, redneck his side of the family was. Really, they are car racin, horseback ridin, crotch rocket rollin, fishin, smokin, drinkin and huntin fools who may or may not have finished high school, let alone any college. And my daddy, who I love dearly, fit right in with that crowd in his late teens and early twenties. But then he became a father, and quit everything but the smokin because he had a family to provide for, and he had a rough go of it. I admire my father because of the adversity that he overcame to be the person that he is today.
Here's his life, what I know of it, in a nutshell: He is the youngest of 3, his parents got divorced when he was 13 and his dad's apartment didnt allow kids, his parents got back together a year later, then between his junior and senior year of high school they moved from Louisville to LJ and dad had to finish his last year of high school at a completely new school. In LJ his family had a horse business, my dad had a scholarship to go to ITT tech for some sort of engineering but his father said he couldnt go because of the horse business- aka if he went to college his father would sell the horses, oh, and he had to pay for any college that he wanted. He fell in love with a woman who's stepmother was named juggbutt- I dont know if thats something my dad calls the woman or if its a real name. The woman he fell in love with was kicked out of her house by her abusive father, so my dad and his parents took her in. They got married because hell they were already living together, why not. Then came a baby carriage, some infidelities, another baby carriage, a divorce, her moving back into his place because he didnt want the mother of his children to be living out of her car. This woman wouldnt go down without a fight though, so they took the custody battle all the way to the Supreme Court. Meanwhile my dad is working at a place and rising to become a computer programmer. He wins the Supreme Court battle- first man in KY to win a contested custody battle at the supreme court level. Met my mom, lost his dad, asked for my moms hand and told her to never come between him and his boys. There was a second marriage, and then 3 years and a house expansion later, a baby carriage holding little baby Jessie. Things were good, maybe even great for a while, but then health problems started popping up.
Point of that story is that my dad was a teenage alcoholic, redneck that could have easily not been a contributing member of society to a Senior Systems Analyst. He has always provided for our family and been there for pretty much every major childhood milestone for all 3 of his kids.
My brother told me this spring that he wants to make sure his kids know that he loves them. Implying that he didnt always feel loved by our father. But when I look at my dad, I think how can you not know that he loves us 3 kids without limits, no matter what, and that he would do ANYTHING for us, and has done so much to make sure that my brothers had a decent- as decent as it could be in a split home- childhood.

My mom on the other hand, had parents who were Harvard educated. Her dad fought in World War II, and was a CIA agent. Which means that my mom was born in Paris and grew up between Africa and Washington D.C. she went to the same schools as the Kennedy's and even hung out with one of them while studying abroad in Kenya. She says he was always pretty cordial. Her mother knew Charlie Wilson (think Charlie Wilson's war) was a faculty member at Georgetown College in D.C and was the daughter of a botonist that created the Tangelo and brought the Date Palm from Africa to the United States. College education is not hoped for on my mom's side of the family, it is expected- after all, my mom is a graduate of Brown and my great grandmother who was born in 1888 went to Kansas State.
I am not saying that my mom's life was easy, I am know she has had her share of struggles, I just know less about hers than my dad's because I always focus on the neat places that shes been or the neat stories that she tells.

The moral of my story tonight is that me being where I am, right here, right now, thats pretty special. Things had to line up just right for it to work. Seriously- my dad had rarely traveled before he met my mom and most definitely not out of the country, where as my mom had traveled all her life, living in several different countries. My dad's family is one of the lower middle class while my mom's family ran in the same circles as the elitist class. Who would have ever thought that their worlds would collide, and not only that, but that they would mesh well? Not my grandma, I can tell you that. My father's mother was SO worried that they wouldnt work. My mom has a doctorate degree, my father, never even finished a degree.
On my dads side of the family, as far as I can tell, I was the first one to go away to college. On my mom's, I went to college almost too close to home- Brown was 8 hours away from home and my grandma moved from California to Boston for college.

So, heres to loving someone not based on their background, but based on, well, love! :)

Three hundred sixty five

This post helps me achieve something pretty big. This is my three hundred and sixty fifth post. Therefore, if you started today and read one post a day you would have enough reading material for a full year. OK, so it doesnt really work for this coming year because its a leap year, but still- you get the point.

I started this blog at the end of 2005, which means it has taken me almost 6 years to get to this point. 

December 2005 I was a Junior in high school. I had just broken up with my first (and to this point only) boyfriend. And I started this blog because I wanted to be closer to another guy in my life.
Ok, fast forward to now and I still write a great deal about boys-guys, men, whatever, and I have graduated from college.
Highlights from those six years include basketball, J, I, and various trips.
Here's whats different though:
N. the guy who really got me started in blogging, is basically a non-entity in my life. I have talked to him once this year. And I usually see him about once a year. He hasnt graduated from college yet.
M. the first and only boyfriend had a brief reappearance in my life well, 2 days short of exactly 2 years ago.
And oh yea, I have now slept with J, A, M, D... I think thats all- and no, nothing happened with any of them. We simply shared a bed. (PS- JAMD is kind of a cool mnemonic haha).
And me. Believe it or not- I sometimes deny it, but everyone else tells me its true- I am different.

That makes sense though, right?
People, especially teenagers growing up to 20-somethings are going to change, and I kind of like the term evolve.
My world is bigger, my values- stronger, my family- more appreciated, and my friends- are now my family.
I may currently be stuck job-less. But I am doing everything that I can to make myself a better candidate.
And, I am making time for people in my life- for a long time I didnt do that. I have always been willing to put in the effort to see someone, but I always wanted them to make the first move. Now, now I can ask to see them, and hope to god (the universe?) that they want to see me too.
I often see myself as an awkward person, and while that might be true, the only way to get through that is to work through it. Put myself in more social situations- things will be less awkward. My friend I told me that. (Man that makes things confusing. I am going to start calling him S, that way no one will be confused if I means I-myself or I-him.) Anyway, S told me that. He said "I always dread going to work, class, parties, clubs etc. until I am there, then I just have a good time."
When S and I talked on the phone last week, he gave me a lot of good insights that I have been working on implementing in my life.

So, here's to three hundred sixty five in 6 years... Its been quite the ride, and the journey isnt over yet. 

Mulling it over

So, two posts in one night- arent you lucky?

This one is regarding a one James JRDF.
Last week I heard from him for the first time in a month or two.
We had a somewhat heated discussion- or rather I was very pissed off and told him so but he just took the punches, and said more or less "Thank you may I have another."
I dont know why he wanted me to be so mad at him, why what happened last week happened, but he said 2 things that didnt sit well with me, and they have been lurking in the back of my mind for the past week.
I think I am now ready to address them.

He said "Say what you want, getting madder at me only makes that wall around your heart stronger." and then "You need something to protect yourself from jerks like me."

I am not going to pretend I know what he was trying to do or what he felt or any of that nonsense. It doesnt matter. Ultimately what matters is that we never actually followed through with anything, and this is my story as to why.

When I was in 3rd grade, which was when most people my age were in 2nd grade, I met this boy, Timmy. For a long time I called him my first love, and maybe that term does apply, but I am a little bit wary of it these days. Timmy rode my bus and lived right next to my bus stop, which was .5 miles away from my house. My best friend growing up, Natalie, was like my sister and she lived like across the street from me. Natalie was always the outgoing make friends with everyone type. She and Timmy were instantly buddies, and I was a tagalong, dont get me wrong, at some point we were all good friends. Really, the reason we initially met this kid was because his dog, Nala had some adorable puppies, and what young-school-aged girl wont melt at the sight of puppies?
Time with Nala and the puppies allowed us to develop a  friendship. Eventually Natalie grew older went to high school- she was 5 years older than me, and 1 day short of being 3 years older than Timmy. But even though Natalie was gone, I still hung out with Timmy, his brother Shawn and sister Mandy. His mom, Suzanne was very much like a second mother to me.
But really, I crushed on Timmy. Big time. It was painful- but no I never actually told him this, until 2004, which is a part of the story. Timmy hung the moon. I felt like anything and everything that I did, I did it for him. I loved soccer, had played it for a couple of years, and he finally started playing, I wanted to be on his team. He was a great forward and a great goalie, and I was a good fullback. He in some ways was my best friend, but in others, a complete stranger. My most serious tomboy age came with Timmy. He was a boy, doing boy things, I wanted to spend time with him, so I would do anything he did, just to be close. Though, I was a tomboy in my own right too.
My life revolved around that boy, but that boy didnt really care if I was in his life. Eventually we became teenagers, he was a cool guy in school, and I was homeschooled. Then, when I was in 8th grade, and he in 9th. His family moved to Nelson Co. And yes, I still know their address. They moved away the day that I came home from Costa Rica: Dec. 7, 2002 and I never got to tell them goodbye.
In March of 2003 they came over for a visit. I talked to them a fair amount on the phone, for a while. In April of 2004, I turned 15, Timmy and Shawn came over for my birthday party. It was my favorite birthday. Timmy was nice to me, I had 15 friends show up for the party and we had an Ice cream cake fight. It was great, until my best friend, Matt found Timmy in my barn with my best friend Katie and Timmy's pants were down. Shawn, Timmy's brother went down and confirmed it. Yes, heres where my favorite birthday becomes my least favorite birthday. Devastated, angry and now 15.
I think I always knew that there would never be a Timmy and me as a couple. But when that happened I built walls around my heart so thick its not even funny. No charming guy would break them down, because never again would I love someone the way that I loved Timmy.
Come August of that year, I called Timmy and told him everything- about how I had liked him for 7 or 8 years. He knew, apparently I had told him before. And that was that, but yes I still think about him. I even have a lot of good memories with him.

So, James wants me to have walls around my heart. They are already there, pal. They have been since I was about 10 years old- which was probably the first time that I realized that me and Timmy were just friends, and thats all we would ever be, no matter how much I wanted that to be different. Dont you get it James, it took you 2 years to break down those walls enough to let you even remotely close to me. Kissing was never my issue- if you had gone for a kiss the first night, when I stayed at your apartment, you would have gotten one. After all, I kissed Dylan when he stayed over the first night. No, trust was my issue. I dont trust guys. No one has ever gotten into my heart the way that Timmy did. No one. And it will be a very special person who does. Sure I had a terrible first real kiss, and yes, I was kind of terrified of it for a while- but I knew it couldnt get worse! I can even deal with sleeping in the same bed with guys.
My problem, is and always has been what you wanted me to get. You wanted me to build a wall to protect myself from jerks like you. James, love, I had walls in place long before you came. I dont need to put more walls up, I need to do some remodeling of my heart and take my walls down. I cried over you once. One time, mid-October of last year. Do you know how many times I cried over Timmy? About a dozen, a year, for 8 years. I learned, thanks to Timmy, to a. keep my emotions at bay and b. to not get super involved. I crush on guys easily, yes. But that doesnt mean that I hand them any power. I keep the power, thank you very much. If someone wants my heart, hes going to have to work hard for it- and he'll definitely have to meet the family before he even gets to see what its capable of, not just my mom and dad, but my whole family.
I am not the same person that I was at 15. Hell, I am not the same person I was at 18. I have and always will be able to take care of myself.
The reason I stuck around for 2 years was because I saw a great man in you. You chose not to be that great man, but that doesnt mean that hes not in there somewhere. I wish you all the luck with your new woman. I hope shes everything that you want and/or need. I hope she doesnt break your heart like Gina did.

Pajamas

I got some Life is Good pajamas today. They are wonderful, absolutely amazing I never want to take them off wonderful.

I realized today the ultimate problem that I have with someone with whom I am close and love dearly.
She is too helpful, and its incredibly irritating. But more than that she wants to smooth all edges- shes a people pleaser.
Great, this is what I am going to be like when I'm 80.
Dont get me wrong, I love this woman, really I do. I just have to take her in small doses.
Asking 10 thousand times if things are planned out correctly isnt helpful.
Telling me that you love my company no matter what my disposition, not only is that not helpful thats downright a lie.
Answering a question that isnt directed towards you- after I told you it wasnt directed toward you, that just wants me to duct tape your mouth shut.

I am sorry that I am short with her, but I can only take so much.

In other news,
Rocky Mountain National Park is wonderful. Absolutely gorgeous.
We saw Elk- and heard the bulls bugling.  So cool!
Climbed to an elevation of over 10,000 feet, and got cold feet, literally!

Also, our hike was guided by a nice park ranger named Mike.
This Mike person had the mannerisms, the facial structure and the smile of my Timmy.
Yea, I call him mine, because the Tim that he has become is nothing like the Timmy that I knew and grew up with.
Had my Timmy not moved to a different county, not gotten involved with those that he did, and stayed a friend of mine, I imagine he would have been just like this Mike fellow.
One of my memories of Timmy was that he wanted to be a Zoologist. He loved animals, and especially snakes and Tigers.
Yes, if you must know that is why I have an affinity to tigers myself.
I had a crush on Timmy for 8 years, and I finally let him go August 2004. I called him up, told him I had always had a crush on him and then that was that.
(Was it coincidence that this happened when I visited me? I dont know, but I am beginning to think not so much.)
I would have done anything for Timmy- anything that a 7-15 year old could do.
But then again, I remember very vividly laying down either in the grass or in my bedroom just chatting about piercings. He said that he wanted 11- and then he named where he was getting each piercing.
So, which person did he end up? The zoologist or the pierced guy?
Im sure you probably already know, but yes he is now a bar tender, has a body covered in tattoos and probably has his 11 piercings by now.
I know he could have been better, but I guess thats just a story for a parallel universe.
His old home- where they lived down the road from us, is now vacant.
Much like the piece of my heart that once held him so dear. Its like he has simply up and left- and he did. December 7, 2002 he was up and gone- we were coming home from Costa Rica and there was a Uhaul at their house. I never got to say goodbye to the family that was for several years my second family.

Nose goes

The above title has nothing to do with the post, but it felt appropriate.
My nose has gone. I cannot breathe- ugh. Thank you congestion.

However, this post is all about I.
Haha, I know, I know. I had gotten away from writing about boys lately because J had kind of gone out of my life and I had nothing really to write about - I was finally no longer obsessing about him, or the kiss. Or whatever was going on. And no, J, if you are reading this, that doesnt mean that you succeeded in your mission or whatever. No, I heard something on a tv show, or a song, or something somewhere completely unrelated to you, that sometimes you just gotta "Let it be" and "let it happen" and I had said those words to myself before but never really believed them. This time though they stuck with me. But enough about J. Been there done that,
Next chapter please!

This chapter is chapter I. Now, in an alphabet I comes before J, but in real life, things arent always clean cut as the alphabet. Just sayin.
I. I always says "I'm always alright" whenever I ask him how he's doing. And though, sometimes a little bit annoying, because seriously, how do I start more of a conversation with you always being alright. On the other hand its completely mesmerizing. Maybe thats a bad word, but it at least gets me thinking. Why can't I always be alright? Im so freakin emotional that you can talk to me at 9 am and I am having a great day but talk to me at 12 noon and the world is falling apart.
Why, just why cant I be "always alright"?
I know why... well, maybe.
If I was always alright, then I wouldnt have the conversations that I do with I.
The other day, I was having a rough day, I texted I. (Having I as an initial might get confusing, so I am sorry for those who have to figure it out.) Anyway, I texted him and told him I was having a rough day and could use some friendly conversation.
So, next think I know he called me. Thats right, the guy picked up his phone and instead of texting me back he called me. I was flabbergasted.
But we talked, or rather I did a lot of the talking and he listened to what I needed to get off my chest.
And I didnt want to let it all go at first. I was keeping it in, but he had this gentle way of talking to me that made me want to tell him more. I mean on the one hand I was completely mortified, ok thats too strong of a word, but embarrassed about what had gone down in the past 2 years but on the other hand he was trying to understand the situation and he couldnt completely understand without knowing the whole story.
But he got the story and then he shared a story of his own.
Still, every time that I have any contact with him, I smile. A simple hello text makes me smile.
Its silly, really.
But thats ok, because I think I need more silly in my life.
I have no clue as to if he reads this blog- I know he has the web address for it, or at least did at one point in time, because we once reconnected when I was in Hawaii and he read my Hawaii stories then. (Find those entries in July 2007). ANYWAY, I, if you read this, thank you, I really enjoy your friendship and heres to never going more than 5 years without seeing each other- PS its been 3 and you owe me a visit!

Here's to having the person who always makes you laugh, may he be in my life for many years to come.

Always smiles

There are a lot of things that happened today that I could write about:
J contacted me- I went off on him and he took it like a little puppy being punished for the bad things he did- aka he rolled over.
I had lunch with the elder J and T and then went to the book fair with them. That was a lotta fun. I love spending time with those two- well and the younger J and T too!
And then I had a reunion lunch/shopping adventure with A- who I havent seen in a couple of years.
But I'll just mention those.

What took the cake today: a phone call from I.
I texted him a hello and when I got a response I told him I had a rough morning and I needed some friendly conversation. And he called me. Yea, hes definitely not American. haha. Those guy would normally run away from the emotions and he called me, told me to cry it out if I needed. Which made me laugh. I dont need to cry, the guy isnt worth the tears. We then moved on to random topics of conversation. I laughed, he laughed and all had a good time.

Tonight is a short post, because I am happy. I am not worrying about something thats not happening tonight. I am simply living in the moment, and this moment I am happy.
I makes me happy. It was funny today because he was worried that I might get mad at him- apparently he thought he did some of the things that J does. I told him no, I know that he doesnt have a mean bone in his body.

Hello, happy Jessie, its so nice to see you again! :)
Goodnight loves.

For better or worse.

No, I am not vowing anything to anyone.
This post is about family. And how sometimes you are stuck with them, through the good times and the bad.
I really cant decide whether my brothers got the long end of the stick or the short one.
They say they got the short one, because I got more "toys" and privileges than they did.
But with those toys and privileges, comes dads health.
My dad had a heart attack in 2000. And then he had several episodes of super ventricular tachycardia... aka SUPER fast heartbeat. He has diverticulitis, type 2 diabetes, colitis, kidney stones and countless other body ailments. But these all came, with the exception of his left knee issues and 2 hernias, after the heart attack.
C moved out in 1999. J in 2004.
C has never had to deal with dad coming home from work in the middle of the day sick, had to call an ambulance or really deal with the hospitalizations.
J was there for the heart attack- and thank goodness he was, he was my life raft during that week. But even though he lived at home, he wasnt home much and therefore didnt have to deal with the trips to the hospital and the dealings of dads ailments.
Let me clarify, when I mean they didnt have to deal, I mean that they came, and they were there and we were a big happy family, but when they left, they didnt have to deal with the after effects, mom's worry, or dads enduring pain. They also didnt have to call 911. Between the ages of 15 and 18 I had called 911 3 times.
But for me, its all I've known. My dad isnt the healthiest man alive, and yes he has done some good things- just ask him and he will tell you all about the bypass that HE made for his blocked artery. However, on the other hand, he hasnt really exercised in probably 5 years. His diet is horrible- earlier this summer he was sick, had a high blood sugar so came home and ate a freakin cookie. WHAT THE HELL MAN?!
I love my dad, and I will always drop whatever to make sure that he gets where he needs to go, even if it frustrates me.
Take today, for example. I am supposed to go eat lunch with my niece. I head out, ready to go, and I pass dad as I am leaving, he stops me, says "I need you to take me to the doctor" and goes home. I turn around, call my sister-in-law and take him to the doctor. Its just really an inconvenience, but its now what is expected of me.
My brothers have their families, their lives and so they dont have to be bothered by these things. Where for me its like always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Before I could drive, I went to the hospital with mom and dad, every time, because thats what was expected. I bet there are some hospital stays that my brothers arent even aware of... and I know there are days when dad feels like hes dying but didnt go to the hospital that they arent aware of, but for me every incident has a stamp. No, I no longer remember every hospital stay- though yes, I could at one point rattle them all off.
And earlier this summer, dad had knee surgery. Mom freaked out so much that she couldnt even sit in the waiting room. Do you know how nerve-racking it is to be sitting in an OR waiting room waiting on your father, knowing that he has heart problems, without anyone else there to keep you calm?
I handle it pretty well, I always have, except for once.
Once, the stress got to me, really got to me, and I had a panic attack- or at least thats what the doctor said.
It was January or February 2007, I was in Calculus class. Dad had just had an SVT incident, grandma was going downhill, fast and I was in the middle of my last semester of senior year of high school- taking 2 AP classes. We were talking about limits, it was about the time my mom was going to work, so 8:40-ish. I started feeling sick, but then I heard my heart beat in my ears. It was loud, I couldnt hear the teacher anymore, but then I realized my heart wasnt beating at a normal pace. So I counted. Counted the beats for 15 seconds then multiplied by 4. I was at 140. Was that right? Counted again 146. Deep breath. Count again. 135.  In case you arent aware, normal heart rate is no more than 100 when not exercising. And not only was I not exercising, but I just sitting in Calculus class.
I asked Mrs. Montgomery for the hall pass, said it was an emergency. Went to the office- I was an office aide and they knew me well. Asked Ms. Jana to call my mom. Barely got the numbers out in a manner that she could understand. By this time I was crying. My dad's SVT episodes were 200 beats per minute (bpm) and here I was with a 150 bpm.
I calmed myself down. Mom came and got me, and we got me an appt for the doctor. She said that considering what was going on in my life at the time, that it was completely fine. I didnt have an episode of Super Ventricular Tachycardia, but just plain old Tachycardia.
I guess I am jealous of either the front or the true just dissociation that my brothers can put up. So, dad is sick, ok, let me know what it is and if I need to make a trip to the hospital. I dont get that luxury. I'm there.
I often feel like the glue that holds the communication in my family. I soothe mom when dad has hurt her feelings. I tell dad the feelings that mom has. I soothe mom when dad is sick. I tell my brothers not only of issues but also of important dates- birthday's, anniversaries, things like that. But sometimes I dont want to be the glue. Sometimes I want someone to glue my pieces back together - I know, though, that it wont be anyone in my family, because they are all busy with their own things. I am the glue because I am the youngest, and the one with out any other attachments- aka a significant other/kids, nor, at this point do I have a job.
There has been 1 time when I chose something over a hospital stay that dad had. It was The Saturday after Thanksgiving and mom, grandma and I were headed to Cincinnati to a Transy basketball game. Dad called us, he was having a heart issue. Mom and grandma took my car and went home. I called one of the coaches to make sure I could catch the bus, and then rode home with the team. It didnt really shock my family, but I know it shocked the coaches. I could see it on their face "What do you mean you arent going home to see your dad in the hospital, especially since you are crying." Followed with the horror that they had a female crying on their hands! haha.

Anyway, I dont mean to sound ungrateful of my role in the family, I guess I just feel a little overburdened today. I had to cancel on a 7 year old. Less than 1 hour before we were supposed to go to the book fair. I just felt like I had crushed her heart. I crushed my heart, and dad was so preoccupied with his health that when he asked where I was going he almost immediately tuned out my answer. Luckily, I called Taylor's teacher and she is letting me reschedule for tomorrow.

I dont know what I am toasting to tonight, family- yes, but also the release of family, somewhat, in other words, the moving on and out of your parents house- because there just comes a time when for everyones sake, you gotta move on. I am not there yet- I dont have a job. But, i am getting there. And I just hope that my parents, especially my dad, can handle the transition- when it comes.

Soccer Aunts and Racing Hearts

It took going to college and graduating but I am finally becoming a part of my nieces and nephews lives... and not just a random side show. I am getting to spend real, quality time with them, and its wonderful.

I joke that I am becoming a soccer mom, without the children. I have girl scouts, random days with my nephew, lunch dates with my nieces and basketball season coming up. 

I feel like I am finally in a spot where I can start to fulfill the role that I always wanted.

I want to be the aunt that they turn to... and at the moment since I have no kids, I am the cool aunt. The one that everyone can run to when something happens, because no one will really get in trouble. haha.
I love it, I revel in it, and I hope that it continues for years to come.
The funny/sad/cute thing is that I have been imagining a time when I get my own place. And it will most definitely have to be more than one bedroom, maybe even more than 2 bedrooms, not just because I hope that my first home will be my home for a long time, but also because I want my nieces and nephews to have their own room. One room for the 4 of them, although I think that having all 4 of them at one time probably will never happen, I want them to have a place where they feel safe, other than just at home.
I dont have kids of my own and it may be several years until I do, but until then the 2 J's and 2 T's are my life. And I love every second of it!

In other news I got a lovely text today from I. I dont know if I've ever mentioned how much I love talking to him, how he makes me smile - every single time I talk to him, or that I hate the fact that he is over 500 miles away. Spontaneous Jessie would go to DC to visit with him, but Regular Jessie is terrified. I really have absolutely no way of knowing if he likes me as much as I like him. He lives with his grandma and sister and I dont exactly know how a visit would go over. And also, really, I'm terrified of going alone, because what if its a  disaster? Then I am all alone. Eek! But on the other hand I desperately want to do some traveling by myself. Its like I am in a catch-22. But mostly what keeps me from even bringing up the idea is the fact that I dont have a job, and thus no money and thus the whole travel idea is kind of a moot point. Perhaps I will revisit the situation when I get a job.  :)
Yea, thats number like 23 on the list of things to do when I get a job. Haha.

Anyway, heres to being the cool aunt, and dreaming of a chance with I. 

Smiling on me

I have spent the majority of the day thinking about my grandma.
Just in case you are unaware she passed 4 years ago on this day.
And I have also tried to come up with a way of phrasing my yearly memorial of/to her.
But I just cant figure out how to say what I want to say in a super coherent way, so bear with me as my fingers just punch out whatever I think.
I felt her smiling down on me today. I felt that though I feel as if I am in a dead spot in my life, shes watching me and shes proud of me. She often told me that she was proud of me before she died, but I didnt really feel like that could be possible, until she died. Then I knew that she was proud of me. I was and still am a good egg. I had graduated from high school (and now college) and I was never in any trouble.

But really the things that I have remembered most today are the people who became my family when she passed. On Sept 12, 2007 I lost the matriarch of my dad's family. The glue that really held us together, but her health had seriously declined in the year the preceded her death- so really, it was a blessing that it happened when it did. One fact that has always comforted me is that she got to see all of her grandkids hit the milestone of age 18. And she wont ever meet my kids, but I can definitely tell them about her. She was funny, kind, and very protective of me- especially when she felt my brothers were tormenting me too much.

Anyway, just like most people who were alive will never forget where they were on 9/11, I will also never forget the situation surrounding her death. I was 1 week into college, it was a Wednesday night. My mom had called me around 3 or 4 to tell me that while she had really declined before I left for school things were looking worse. Right around the time that I went to Lexington she got moved from the nursing home to the hospital. So with that phone call my mom prepared me for what might be happening. Then, right around 6pm my mom called again. I was in the cafeteria, at one of the long tables that ran parallel to the salad bar- over under the glass windows. The one where the Tri Delta's generally sit- or rather thats who I think sits at that table. Anyway, we were done with dinner and just chatting. I was there with Erika, Calli, Megan, Katrina, and maybe a few others, I dont exactly remember. I do know, however that when I told them, they all rallied around me. I remember they came back to my room with me and just sat, as I absorbed the news. I dont know if we talked much, or what really happened the rest of that night, but they were there for me, no questions asked. And I had only known these people for 10 days. Thursday I had my first real chem lab, I dropped a beaker- and then I told Dr. Seebach what had happened. He was an incredible source of comfort- which seems maybe a bit odd if you know Dr. S. And I left Transy that Thurs. for the weekend.
I talked to my roommate either on fb or by texting or maybe a phone call, and she told me that there was something on our door but she wouldnt tell me what. Once I got back to campus I found streamers, posters and a card showing support for me during this time.

But the story doesnt end there- no, in my first 6 months of college I lost 6 family members/ friends. It wasnt exactly the most fun transition in my life, but I realized that these new people in my life were going to be with me for a long time to come. So as I finish this post I want to say thanks to my Transy family, who really stuck with me when the going was tough for me- because we had literally just met, yet everyone was there for me, every time I had to deal with a death. The kind of funny thing is that I hadnt lost anyone I was close to before going to Transy, and in the past 4 years I have lost 10 or 11. I love you all, and I am so very grateful.

Mixed Feelings

I dont think there is a single person in the US who isnt aware of the date.
Or one who isnt remembering- well, maybe the younger children.
But for me, today is a day of mixed emotions.
What happened was devastating. It was meant to send a message, and we got it, loud and clear.
However, I have a really hard time pulling apart my sadness for those lost in the tragedy and the frustration in what has happened in the last 10 years.
It frustrates me to no end that we went to Iraq.
And I think the building that they are building in its place is a bit much.
(Above comments were written before 12 noon)

As the day has worn on, I have been able to sift through emotions and reactions and I know now what I was trying to say earlier.
The almost 3000 deaths that happened on 9/11 were a tragedy, absolutely. The family and friends that had their loved ones ripped from them are definitely in my thoughts.
But there were around 10,000 people who successfully evacuated from the Twin Towers before they collapsed. I think we should celebrate those lives a little bit more. Those are the people who lived through the horrors. I've been watching 9/11 specials all day and not once was I told the number of survivors, but I heard their stories. These people are haunted by what they lived through. Friends didnt make it, or they were spared in the blast when everyone who was with them was killed.
I salute those who survived. They may look like ordinary people, but they have extraordinary stories.

And while I dont discount that the story of 9/11 is an important one. I feel that perhaps as Americans, we blow it up, far too much. Yes, it was a bad thing. Yes, it changed our lives, whether directly or indirectly. But there are far worse things that happen far more often around the world.
For example:
2004 Tsunami that happened between Christmas and the New Year - death toll of 230,000
2010 Haiti earthquake 46000-316000 casualties
Various terrorist attacks in India- tens of thousands dead. (Attacks that I've never heard of)
Darfur genocide- over 300,000 casualties, and far more displaced
Israeli-Palestine conflict has claimed over 14,000 lives


And ok, so none of those are a single terrorist attack, but rather natural disasters or a series of attacks. In fact, if looking at a list of specific terrorist attacks, the 9/11 attacks are the most deadly. But lets look at the flip side of the situation- how many Iraqi's have we killed? Over 100,000. And why are we killing Iraqi's if Osama bin Laden was based in Afghanistan?

Another fun fact- we have lost 6300 American troops in the war since 2003. 1750 of them were in Afghanistan. If we just stayed in Afghanistan, think of the better job we could have done there, as well as the smaller death toll.

Im not saying that I dont respect what today means for the citizens of the United States, I am just saying, if we are going to give it this much attention we should give other live changing events the same amount of attention.

Here's to recognizing that everyone in this world has their own daily struggle, and that perhaps as a society we could help others with their issues as they helped us. No, they didnt stay with us in Iraq, but they did support our war on terrorism, in Afghanistan.

Happy Cariversary

Today I celebrate my secI ond anniversary with my car- my second longest relationship. I had my first car for 4 years and about 2 weeks.
Anyway, I remember the day of buying my car very vividly. I had sold the other car in August- early August, and it was cash for clunkers time, so really, buying a car without a trade in was not going so well. But I found a great car- a 2007 Blue Toyota Rav4... the only thing different from car 1 to car 2 was 7 model years and approximately 80,000 miles. So we began the transfer- it was in Florida.
I remember the nice Carmax person, Andrew who helped us get the car to KY, and then since I had moved back to Lex for school, he picked me up and took me to Lou so that I could get the car... I still had the choice to not get the car, but how was I going to get back to Lex if I didnt get the car?
Anyway, I loved the car, and we bought it.
Lots of number-y things going on there too... It was 09-09-09. A Wednesday (9 letters) in September (9 letters) we signed the paperwork in room 27 (2+7=9)... Yea... All kinds  of wonderful nines.
So we signed the paperwork, signed the checks and there I was, I had a new car. Whoa man.
But by this time it was like 5 or 6 pm, and I needed to get back to Lex. I think I may have driven home simply to show my mom my new car and pick up some things that I had left at home.
It turned out to be a great day... the car is a wonderful car, and I have put about 25,000 miles on him, his name is Troy- I've been told that cars are females... but mine is a male.
The most interesting thing of the day, as I remember it, was that I rode with a complete stranger from Lexington to Louisville. Yea, that was weird.

Keeping this post short- I have class tomorrow :(
And while this anniversary is a happy one- I warn you, I have a few more anniversaries coming up- and they arent so happy.
In fact, this coming week will be an extremely hard week.

Planning ahead- so that you can skip reading or read at your own risk or whatever. I imagine I will write about nine-eleven.
Then, Monday is the 4th anniversary of the passing of my Grandma.

The beginning of the end.

My high school diploma has this nice little sticker on it that says "Business Seal"

Which means, basically that I completed the equivalent of a business major in my high school classes. I enjoyed them all, and did well in them all. In fact, my senior year of high school was literally half business classes and half AP classes. 

And yet, when I graduated high school I thought that was the end of my business days. 

Fact: I was convinced that there was no future in business or accounting. 

Fact: I didnt take accounting 2 in high school because I thought it was useless and that I wouldnt be able to use it later in life. 

Fact: It wasnt until the summer after my freshman year of college that I cracked the business world, that I realized that you can go anywhere with a business or accounting degree- in fact you can go ANYWHERE with  an accounting degree. 

So I started Transy as a Biology major. I didnt know what I wanted to be, so I was going to be a vet. And I wouldnt change my Transy experience at all. I think I did exactly what was needed. But then over the summer after my freshman year I applied for an became a banquet server at the Hyatt. And I realized that business was not a bad future. So, upon returning to Transy, I enrolled in an accounting class. That was the beginning of the end for me. Principles 1, and I was hooked, I loved it, really. I asked the professor - who would later become my adviser about being a business major with a focus in accounting. He said I couldnt be a business major, that I had to be an accounting major, and I listened to him. My first A in college was in that first accounting class, and I graduated with an A+, A or A- in every accounting class that I took. That, my friends is how I knew I was in the right place, that and I enjoyed my homework. 

Accounting is my calling, yes, my passion. But that doesnt mean that it will rule my entire life, all the time. No, I think of myself as very much the epitome of a liberal arts student. I majored in accounting, but I almost had a biology and a philosophy minor and I took 3 religion classes. Then, my second semester of senior year I signed up for a Political Science class, what the hell, ya know? I personally thought that the general education requirements were great, because they all took me outside of my comfort zone, and now I strive to challenge my comfort zone. 

Heres to doing things that you never saw a future in, and learning how to excel outside of your comfort zone. 

The Angel, the Saint and the Pope walk into a bar...

I can see that being either a very good or very bad joke.
But alas, I'm just gonna focus on the Angel.
The Angel, my first crush as a freshman at TU.
He sat beside me in Chemistry and yet I could barely say two words to the kid. In fact, I am pretty sure our first actual conversation didnt happen until towards the end of our first semester of Senior year.
Yea, thats right, I admired this kid from afar- like I do so many, of course, in a non-creepy way. I mean it simply in that I never really talked to the guy.
Anyway. I had a crush on this guy for pretty much all of freshman year. Then sophomore year I dropped my bio major, and thus saw him less- he was still a bio major. I saw him around, but didnt have many classes with him. Then, come to find out hes going to double or triple major- whatever- and suddenly I have classes with him again. Talk about throwing me for a loop- what the heck, man? But then we have the occasional shared joke, or make eye contact and totally understand what the other is thinking. And then, second semester senior year, we have conversations. Actual conversations. What. The. Hell. And we joke around. He makes fun of me, I make fun of him- less successfully, because although I can now talk to him, I still get SUPER red. lol.
The whole time this is happening I am laughing at myself because freshman year he was with his girlfriend from high school. And then when I didnt have classes with him he was a single man, and once we had classes together again, he had a girlfriend. Haha, universe, very funny. Thanks.

Anyway, this is me, reminiscing about TU because I am not moving back and starting classes tomorrow.
That chapter of my book has come to an end, and I find it very sad.
Thus, be prepared to find random TU memories posted here...
In fact, I might try to specifically write about TU here for the next month or so...
If there's something you want me to write about, let me know! :)

Post Grad Transitions

Some people have it all figured out.
Some people make it seem effortless.
Some people are just freakin blessed.
I am not one of those people- not in this way anyway.
I am blessed in many ways...
But, here I am, the night that I should have moved back to school...
Or, so it seems.
But, I graduated, so I cant move back in.
There is no furthering of my further education- at least not at that institution.
And to think that I was so homesick that I came home every weekend my freshman year- I wasted so many opportunities then. Le, sigh.
Oh well... here I am.
A Graduate.
Someone who should have all their ducks lined up.
Someone who should be a contributing part of society.
Oh my god. What am I doing wrong?
I sat on a couch most of the week last week, and the week before that, oh and before that.
True, that trend wont continue into this week- I have 2 days of work and 2 interviews and one very special date with the only guy who will spend entire days with me, and enjoy himself (almost) the whole time- we wont mention that hes 18 years my junior and my nephew.
Deep sigh.
And while I have moments like this exact one.
Most of the time, I feel incredibly blessed to NOT have a family breathing down my neck. I dont have student loans that I am going to have to repay. I dont have a significant other that will be impacted by my job decisions. I dont have little mouths that I am responsible for 24/7.
Me, I just have myself, my favorite dog in the whole world and 2 cats that, well, they are cats and they sometimes love me- though maybe not always.

This period of time in my life, sucks.
I dont have anything figured out and I am in this REALLY weird in-between stage.
But maybe this is exactly a stage that one must go through in life- you know something like learning how to walk, talk and do your multiplication tables.
Its not supposed to be easy, and if you rush into something that makes others think it is easy for you, then maybe you are the one that needs the help.
I look around at classmates college or high school, getting married or having babies... and yes, most of my college friends are getting married, while the high school friends are having babies.
And while I am just sitting here, no significant other that I would want to marry and no person with whom I could see myself having kids with.
No, I am more focused on having a secure future for myself, which will lead to a secure future for my (eventual) family.
I need a job, a house, and then a husband followed later by babies.
I want a 401(k) plan and good health insurance, dental and vision insurance too. And to be able to take off and do some of the world traveling that I havent yet gotten to do.

So, heres to knowing that this transition period sucks, but also knowing that there's a brighter future on the horizon... I've just gotta keep my head up! Besides, if I need a kid fix, I have 4 to choose from, and maybe someday, I can take them all out together- ooh! wouldnt that be exciting. Kids night with "Uncle Jess"!
Hmm... not a bad idea, not a bad idea at all... I'm gonna have to work on implementing that idea- of course its much cooler if I have a place of my own...

"Which one is yours?"

"I'm sorry?"
"Which  girl is yours"
Blank stare.
"Do you have a girl in girl scouts?"
Oh, thats what this strange woman is asking about, wait "No, I dont have any kids, I am Kristen's sister-in-law"
This woman thought I had a daughter, not only that, but thought that I had a daughter old enough to be in girl scouts, lets do the math- girls have to be at least 4 years old to be in girl scouts, I am 22, that would have made me 18 at the OLDEST for having a girl that was a part of this troop. Oh, not as scary as the fact that I was 13 when my eldest niece was born. Shew. Eighteen is a perfectly respectable age to be a mom in this county. But wait...
I dont have any kids!

I cant decide whether its a compliment that I look like a mother, or just plain weird.
I think it might be a compliment, especially since I want kids so bad. I just dont have all my ducks in a row for that life change yet- I need to get a few other life changes out of the way first! :)
Anyway.
My point is that I look like a mom. And other moms think that I am a mom. Hmm.
Here's to motherhood, whether real, or, you know, not! :)

My Legs

OK, thats a mnemonic for the Regulation section of the CPA exam.... but I've forgotten what it stands for and thats not the topic of this post.

This post is literally about my legs.

I figured I beat up on myself and those around me enough, and that I talk about boys enough.
Maybe I could write about something that I like, that I am proud of...
And here we go:

I love my legs.

They are my best feature... although people are pretty fond of my smile, but its me that loves my legs.
They are strong, lean and long.
Not only that, but they have been complimented by medical professionals. Yep thats right, my doctor and my massage therapist both complimented the muscle tone of my legs.
They both think that I am a runner- and while thats not exactly true, thats not exactly a lie either. I really enjoy running, but my lungs dont.
I hope to become more of a runner in the next several weeks.

Anyway, here's to my legs, the best part of my body! :)
I think you all should think about your favorite part of you- and I dont mean that in a gross way... people, (JAW), I just mean I hope you all can love something as much as I love my legs.

Past, Present, Future

So, last night we were doing surgery on my brothers dog and my sister-in-law revealed something interesting to my mom and myself.
She wanted to be a vet.
When mom asked her why she didnt we got an interesting answer.
All this time we thought that she convinced my brother to not go to college.
I mean grandma offered to pay for their college but they never went.
This is how she told us it went:
Well, I got on at UPS and said, I'll go to school later.
Then I met Chris and thought, "I really like this guy, lets put school off"
Then she and Chris got engaged and she though "I kinda love this guy, lets put school off"
Then they got married and she put school off.
And finally they had kids and she really put school off.
Long story short: She didnt go to college because of my brother.

Wow. What a revelation.
And that makes me glad that I didnt have a boy to distract me. K doesnt have any great skills, no degree, where will she be in 10, 20, 40 years?

I find 2 things wrong with that picture:
1. That she put her dreams on hold for a guy.
2. That perhaps she thought my brother wouldnt wait for her.

So to my friends, here is what I have to say: Follow your dreams, everything else will follow. If someone that you love doesnt put up with your dreams, they arent worth your love. (Easier said than done, I know).

Although, on the other hand, I havent gotten experience that whole love thing- well not fully, I dont think. Sure I've had more than my share of unrequited love, but what if I loved someone and they loved me back, would I still be able to say the things that I am saying? I dont know, but I'd like to think so.
As it is, I havent had that love, and when I do find someone who loves me back and treats me the way I should be treated, I will probably act like a middle schooler with a crush. Because I didnt put my dreams on hold. Im going out there and facing them head on. I dont have much of a social life, and for me, thats ok. Because what I want most right now is a job, a way to support myself. Then, then we can work out the rest of lifes details.
PS- if the universe decides to send me some wonderful man in the meantime, I promise to appreciate him, because I know that my timing doesnt always match up with the universe's timing. But I also know, that I cant wait around and sit on my lollies waiting for my man to show up.
Have I mentioned there has to be a mutual admiration? Because this whole one-sided love that has been around all my life, has got to stop.
Speaking of that. J has a girlfriend now. Let's all congratulate him. Her name is Kitty Cat. I am thinking that its definitely time to put that chapter in a box, and on the shelf. That way, I can look at it, and be glad that it happened, but also be glad that it never went further than it did. I guess I always knew he wasnt my Mr. Forever... or really my Mister anything... since, well, you know, since he was J and a favorite nickname that plays along well with the name game is "His name is J and he is a jerk!"
Ok, so thats a bit mean, but eh. Sometimes I am told that I am not mean enough. :)

Goodnight lovelies, remember, follow your dreams, where ever they take you, because its those dreams not followed that will always haunt you.

Make my speakers go Boom Boom

Thats a lyric in one of Luke Bryan's songs on his new CD and has nothing to do with what I am going to write about today, but it makes me giggle.

Here I am, 90 before my first real interview, and while I have been ready for a job all summer, I am terrified of actually getting the job. Its not that I dont think I can do the work, I think I will make some mistakes along the way, but I have no doubt that I can do the work. No, its the oh my god, I am growing up and becoming a true adult, phenomenon.
An accounting position is something that is completely foreign to me and more than anything I think thats what scares me.
So... eeek! oh my god, I may be getting a job.
But on the other hand, if I dont get this one... eeek oh my god, I dont have a job yet!

Its kind of a lose lose situation, but Im gonna do my best...conquer my fears!

Some days...

Some days are better. Some days my smile shines brighter, I stand up straighter, and I dont give a second thought to anything else in the world.
Some days I am very thankful for every last one of my blessings, and others I cant help but wish for the things that I dont have.
Today is not one of my better days.
Its not a bad day, but I guess I'm just missing some people who I want to be in my life more.
Groan, grumble, grrr.
So, I suppose, here's to J- dont know if you still read this, but today I'm missing you, and May 26th.
And to I- who I am pretty sure doesnt read this (except for my blogging about Hawaii, WAY back Summer of 06- I think), nor do I think he's aware that I miss him- see hes the one that lives 500-6000 miles away from me on any given day. This week, month its in the 500 mile range. We talked last week, and now I'm trying to figure out how to see him in the near future.

Promises and Family

Last night while driving to and from the Lake to spend time with my extended family, and specifically my cousin and his family who is visiting from Georgia my grandma promised me all kinds of goodies. 

Grandma is moving into a retirement community in 2 years-ish. (They havent started building the community, but they have already sold all their units and expect move in to be in 2 years.) And god love her, she is starting to plan for every little thing now. 

Thus last night I was asked: "Do you think you might want my condo in 2 years?" Yep, thats right, grandma is potentially giving me her condo. But, of course it really depends on where I am at in life in 2 years. So then we were talking about all of her other possessions- and let me tell you she has some pretty cool possessions from living all over the world. And while lots of things have great meaning to her, there are some of those possessions that have great meanings to me such as: her dining room table, and chairs; the Zanzibar chest; the doll with the red hat box of clothing. Then came the promises of things that dont mean much to me, but are incredibly sentimental to her, and thus would be an honor to be given such as: the portraits by Jane Peterson the Indian baskets and Grandma's silver.

While all that gifting was exciting and wonderful, it was only the cherry on top of a great day with my extended family. My cousin, his wife and their two girls are in the state for the week and they invited us all down to the house they are renting on the lake. 

Let me give you a bit of family history: I am the youngest cousin of the family, and there are a total of 7 of us. The eldest cousin (M) is 42, he has 2 sons, one that is 1 year older than me who also has a son who is almost 4. His brother (B) is the one that lives in GA, hes 39-ish? and has 2 daugters, who are almost 4 and 18 months-ish, his wife is Colombian and super awesome. Then you have my only female cousin, K and her brother S, who are kind of nonentities in my life. K has lived in Florida for the last 10+ years and has only been back once to visit. And S well, during most of my childhood he was "living out of town" aka: in jail. But I dont know where and I dont really know for what. He doesnt really partake in many family events, and hes a bit creepy. K and S are both in their mid to late 30's. That brings us to my brothers who are in their early thirties with 2 kids each. And finally, you've got me, in my early 20's. 

So when it comes to family get together's I feel super awkward, because 1. I dont have a significant other 2. there's no one else my age and 3. I dont have any kids. Thus, my recent solution has been to hang out with the kids, as much as possible. Therefore, since my B's kids are around the same ages as my nieces and nephews its like I have 2 extra nieces, which I absolutely LOVE. 

Today I leave you with a toast to family, promises and finding a little bit of joy each day. :) 

Acting the part

Fascinating, terrifying, completely debilitating.
Those are the words that I have chosen to describe what happened to me today.
But I didnt have the time or the ability to react at the moment of the event.
Here, perhaps you would like to be clued in as to what I am talking about.
Today, I was holding a cat- which seemed to be nice, for my mom so that she could anesthetize a cat for a routine surgery.
The cat freaked, I mean F-R-E-A-K-E-D.
I can usually handle cats, even cats that explode... Once I have a good hold on a cat, they arent going anywhere.
But instead of exploding out and away from us, this cat did its very best to explode in and turned its full attention to us.
In other words, this cat twisted and turned and did its very best to bite the hell out of my hand. It didnt succeed.
But it got closer than any cat has before.
It scared the hell out of me.
Funny, right? I'm a vets daughter, I know the ins and outs of the veterinary world. I can do just about anything, but I am completely and wholeheartedly scared of questionable animals.
Thats right- I am generally scared- ok so maybe thats a bit harsh- I am very wary of animals that I dont know. I dont blindly reach my hand into a cage and I sometimes completely refuse to deal with mean dogs.
I am a failure.
What kind of person- I cant even define myself- cant hack one of the biggest job risks in my current business?
Any time I have a close call with getting bit or hurt, I cry.
Yep, that happened to me today.
I never let go of that cat, the cat didnt bite me, but once we stopped struggling with the cat- though I was still holding it- I lost it, started crying right then and there, thank goodness I work with my mom?
Sigh.
I know I'm not really a failure- in fact I've never been bit by an animal- or rather bit hard enough to break the skin- while working.
And the only time I've ever been seriously bit by an animal- it was my mom's friend's German Shepherd, Emily and I was about 3 or 4, maybe 5 years old.
Yet, its days like these and I feel like a failure.
Maybe its a good thing I didnt go to vet school, and instead found accounting.

The moment your life changes

Sometimes it takes only one moment to change your life.
Sometimes it takes only 1 experience.
But sometimes its more.
For me, its a culmination of little moments with the little people in my life.
My nieces and nephews have changed my world. Turned it upside down and danced on it.
Its funny, because people sometimes expect that when you spend time with a kid then the ache to have your own will disappear. Well, not true for me.
Tonight, I was at the UK Pros vs. Dominican Republic game at the Yum! Center in Louisville and while it was special to share it with my mom and dad, my brothers and my sister-in-law... it was more special to share it with my nephews, who once the game started, climbed into my lap and watched the game with me.
T, while he enjoyed the game, really looked to me and watched what I did and asked me questions etc.
J, man, he was in the game "they need to use the backboard more" "it should be a 2 on 2 game with Wall and Rondo against 2 players from the other team", this kid has some basketball knowledge, but he also asked me questions, and it was just a lot of fun to share those moments with those kids.

Long story short, tonight was just one of the moments that gives me warm-fuzzies. One of the others is when my niece told me that she thought I was beautiful. Going horseback riding with my nephew. Giving my nieces the "college experience", and having my nieces and nephews at Transy basketball games.

Needless to say, I really look forward to having my own children, but as long as I have these four kids to share special moments with, I think I can hold off on having my own- until its a more appropriate time.

Here's to the little moments in life that mean something much bigger! :)

What dreams may come

I stole that from a Robin Williams movie...

So, I dont know what will come. But I do know that there has been one person that I can turn to for pretty much anything, anytime. He is my rock, in many ways, though our face-to-face contact has been super limited- because we are at any given moment likely to be somewhere between 500 and 6000 miles apart.
Talk about long distance. But we arent in a relationship, nor do I know if he would even consider one.
I do know, however that while I have thought about it before- as in 4 years ago, most specifically... I have grown and changed since then. We both have, yet, we havent grown apart. Talking to him leaves me feeling like a little girl, excited for tomorrow. He always makes me feel better about myself, and while I like talking about him, he always asks about how I am, and listens to me.
In fact, yesterday he asked how I was doing, I said something like good, but not exactly happy. Then asked how he was doing. And he replied with "wait, you just threw a grenade into a boat and asked me to ignore it," which made me laugh.
That's what he does, he makes me laugh- all the time.
Anyway, I dont know what may come, but I do know what would make me happy.
Thats right- I know what would make me happy, I just dont know exactly how to get that happiness. Haha.

So, friends, here's to finding and getting your happiness! :)

I should be studying... but.... I'm not.

There are some people who come into your life make a splash and then when the splash is gone, so are they.
There are some people that when they come in your life, they are there for the long haul- and one such person is who this blog is about today.

We met April 2004. My family visited theirs, and we became fast friends, not unlike our mothers before us.
Then they visited us in August, that same year. And we bonded while fishing. haha. Literally, we would spend hours down at the pond- just talking, and well, fishing. We made a pact then, not to go more than 5 years without seeing one another.But life started to happen. We would talk here and there, on the phone, it was wonderful. But then, he moved to Israel. So much for phone calls. But low and behold we were going to Washington D.C. again, Summer 2007. And they were home from Israel for some Home Leave. That visit was amusing- the first day we got lost in the woods. Then, we hung out. And we saw a Harry Potter movie. But alas, we had to come home, and they went back to Israel. Thats not where this story ends though. No, my mom, grandma, and myself went to Israel, March 2008 and visited them. The highlights of that visit were hot dogs- that I wouldnt eat, and snails. Haha.

This person, has never let me down. Sometimes they dont follow through- but I understand that making promises from 4 states away can cause problems. But whenever I talk to him, I always feel happier. No matter what is going on.
A. tells me that he wants me to be happy, and that this person makes me happy and I should go for it.
Oh, I dont think I can go for it just yet. But I do know, this isnt the end of our movie. :)

Country Girl (Shake it for me)

Luke Bryan's newest single.
This song, it makes me smile. It makes me giggle, and it makes me dance. No matter where I am, no matter what I am doing. This song brightens my day.

Otherwise, I am still living in a calm. I should probably be more panicked about my test that is 2 weeks from today. And I keep telling myself that I will read one chapter or two a day, and I havent read one. Perhaps tomorrow I will get back on track. I have, however been doing homework.
I've been making one big-kid phone call a day. Yesterday's sucked. Today's was much better. And I dont have high hopes for tomorrow, but perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised.

In other news, talked to J today. He got a new job! Congrats to him. :)

As for a "how did talking to him make me feel" introspective look on things: It was nice to hear from him. I wish him all the best. And I think this time I have finally figured out how to approach things. Or rather not.
Somewhere I heard something or read something or whatever- nope definitely heard it, it was on a tv show. One character told another one who was obsessing about something or someone to just let it be.
Hmm.. remind you of anything? Yea, me too... cant get that dang Beatles song out of my head now.
(That one was for you SEP)
Anyway, I decided that with J the best thing was to let it be. And things have been much different, but not in a good or bad way... they simply are. We are still friends, and we will share big news with one another - I think, I hope, but that seems to be about it.

So for all you loyal readers out there, all 3, that Im aware of, although by now that number could be either 2 or 4... but anyway...
My advice to you: Let it be.

Dont rain on my parade

Some days I feel like I have everything in the world figured out. Then, I look around.
I realized today that while I am living at home presently, I'm not really at home. I havent made commitments to anything, really, more than 1 month away. I have literally been living here temporarily, and that has been my attitude towards it.
Wow, I should really have the opposite attitude.
Who knew that I would have a hard time with commitment.
I need to commit, seriously commit to being here, home, or the surrounding area for the foreseeable future.
Thats not committing to living at home with my parents for the next 5 years. Thats not keeping from having a life. No, thats just being realistic.
Time to do this, take the world by storm and grab life by the horns.
So, Smith and Company didnt pan out. Time to work on GE, Roth and Co, and even Stiles, Carter and Assoc.
That means making phone calls, sucking up the courage and getting things done. Its time, my friends to put my stubborn streak to good use.
Also, its time to seriously study for the CPA exam. 14 days away, and I'm almost so panicky that I cant look at the info... not a good place to be.
Tonight though, I wish you all luck as you work to find your passions.

Sometimes you just gotta let it be

Last week was stressful.
Hell, I have been nothing but stressed for the whole summer: boy, job, CPA class, family matters, job, boy, job, job, damn it I want a job!
But today as I was driving into work- yes I have a job, but its my end goal, its just my current and backup, so to speak- and I had this overwhelming sense of calm.
No, life isnt perfect, but really, if it was perfect what would keep me from giving up?
I may be spinning wheels, but they'll catch eventually (or so my fake-husband tells me).
I dont have a significant other, and though sometimes this saddens me, really, its probably better. I can do things that make sense for me and only me. I dont have to worry about anyone else- well, thats not entirely true, where ever life wants to take me I'm gonna make sure my Payton can come along.
And I am extremely lucky that I dont have any big debts. That my parents WANT me around- I have a friend who has moved back home and her dad is not happy with the arrangement, and makes her feel crappy about that.
I know that my momma may annoy me sometimes- mostly when Im spending way too much time with her, at home AND at work. And I wish that my dad would eat healthier and follow the doctors orders. But really, I am blessed to not only still have both parents around, but to also have them still married to one another.

I want to nurture this calm in my life. Hold on to it, or at least store it in a box to say to myself later in life "Hey, sometimes life is stressful, but remember August of 2011, things were all going in different directions but you felt calm. See everything is gonna be great!"

Anyway, heres to finding calm in your life too! :)

Everyone believes in me, but me.

I'm in my CPA review classes.
I have my notice to schedule for all of the CPA exams.
And I have scheduled my first exam.
Oh crap.
20 days and counting.
Every time I tell someone, they tell me that knowing me, I will do great.
But I dont feel that.
I am terrified.
I dont feel like I am going to have enough time to prepare.
But I know that if I put it off, I will just keep putting it off, so here I go, for better or worse.

One friend told me today that he was jealous that I was graduated.
And thats when it hit me.
I may not feel like I have things together.
In fact I often feel like I'm drowning in this thing called life.
But to the outside world, I might actually appear to have my shit together.
I may not have all the things that I want in life.
I dont have a boyfriend, stable income, a place of my own, a job (that goes with stable income I guess), etc.
But I am moving forward.
I feel like I am sitting on my butt doing nothing.
When in fact, I get myself up every Saturday to study for the 4 CPA exams.
I got my act together and I have paid for and committed to taking all 4 exams before January 27th.
And maybe not having a job right now is a good thing. I couldnt imagine having to work a full time job AND study (props to my friend Lauren, who is doing just that).

Maybe, just maybe this journey of mine that has me wishing for answers is a blessing in disguise.
And perhaps I should work harder at being happier, because happy people are way more fun than I have been recently!

In other news:
I have been missing Italy like CRAZY! I'll need to go back, soon.
And I havent talked to James in a while. I dont know if this is good or bad, but it is what it is, and I hope that he knows that I am still here for him, no matter what.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love getting goodnight texts?

Goodnight friends.
I hope that you are able see that sometimes even our struggles are our blessings.

She let herself go

I think George Strait sings that song...

And this is what I've got for my few loyal friends and readers.
She let herself go.
For a long time, I wanted to be with him because I thought it would work. I thought it would be fun, that we could conquer anything that tried to come between us. I was wrong.
I think more recently I wanted to be with him because I didnt want to give up on him.
Maybe I thought that if I told him how much I wanted to be with him, he would understand that I would be there FOR him.
That was wrong too.
I am slowly releasing my death grip hold on what I so desperately want, because, who am I kidding, if it hasnt happened in the past 2 years, chances are its not going to happen.
Thats right, I'm letting myself go.
Trying something new, and this is what it looks like:
I am still me, an emotional wreck under my cool facade of a controlled individual.
J is still J, the one who might always Mr. Perfection in my eyes, even though he has his faults.
But we, never were, and thus I am giving up on the we.
Thats not saying I want out of his life, or that I am giving up on him. No, I believe in him, no questions asked, 100% of the time. If he wants something, I know he will get it, I know he will achieve all his goals. And I hope he will let me in, and let me be a cheerleader for him.
But I need more from a man than he has ever given me. I need support, unconditionally, someone who will ask me about my family, my friends, my life. Someone who will make an effort to be in my life. Someone who treats me with kindness and love, even when its the last thing in the world that they want to do.

J gave me something that I needed in order to move on in my life. And now, I just have to move on and let myself go. Its time to see what the universe has in store for me, because while I am comfortable with where my life is, its time I embrace something new.

Thats what it all comes down to, I might get frustrated, annoyed, giddy, and even get butterflies, when it comes to J. But now, I know what will happen, I know that when I pull away he will come swooping in to keep me interested. And that in some ways is comfortable for me, I need to shed the security.
I need to be bold, try something new. (Sounds like a Taco Bell commercial).

But for tonight, I will tell myself that I can still love J, in the way that I have for the past 2 years, which may not be in the way that one might normally define love. But I can also give myself permission to move on, to let myself go. :)

Talking is overrated?

I like to communicate, in a manner that is clear to all parties.
I do not like to vocalize things.
I realized today, when I slammed my head into the dashboard of my car as I was merging on to the highway and almost in tears from frustration, that I dont like to have people incessantly talking at me, to me, etc.
I like to have conversations, but I dont like to force information- vocally.

How strange is that?
I know, I have been harping about having a certain someone just tell me what he wants from me- done asking for that btw- and yet I dont like to talk. How do I explain myself?
Simple.
Clear communication can happen in many mediums.
It doesnt take a vocal "I just want to be friends" talk, to get the message.

Again, I am not saying that I am going to become a mute, I am simply saying that I have noticed lately that I prefer being quiet- even in situations that others might call an "Awkward silence".

Just an observation I thought I might share with my loyal followers... all, 3 that I am aware of... :)

One of these days....

One of these days I will say to myself:
http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9kwzlbchH1qzcn8zo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1311903551&Signature=fkQ6luCL%2BMqDVyGT0pSub3g%2BKkk%3D

And believe it.
I think I get closer to that day all the time. I have some full days where I even believe it. But then, I remember something, something that seems crazy and special, and my walls go crumbling down.
One step forward and 2 steps back.
Eventually I will get where I am going, I just have to be patient with myself.

I cant sleep.

I sometimes worry that I complain too much about my life here.
But I generally like my life.

Tonight, however, I have mixed emotions.
I found out about 2 hours ago that my great aunt passed away- my grandma's sister, Stella.
She was something like 94 years old.
But what will stick with me for years to come, I think is that when I went with my grandma to visit her in November, she was constantly checking to make sure that I was around. "Where's Jessie?" (She was blind at this point).
Tonight I am feeling "I'm here." But I want more. I want to say something brilliant like "Jessie is getting her CPA",  "Jessie is off traveling the world", "Jessie is not simply here, she is everywhere." For now, though, I am just here.
I also find it comforting/interesting/I dont know... but over the past few months, I have apparently been a hot commodity with my great aunt and even my great uncle. They are twins, Stella and John. And I know for certain that one thing they talked of was my trip to Italy.
I hope that I never forget the love and support that I had from my family, my Great Aunt and Uncle while I was in Italy. May it always be a highlighted memory.

Also, a different Great Uncle of mine, who passed earlier this year, will be laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery next Monday. I didnt have many visits with Slim that I remember, but I remember he was always a pretty nice guy. And welcoming to me, and I was always amazed at how tall and skinny he was- maybe thats why his nickname was Slim? haha. But really what I remember most about Slim is/was that he was married to my Great Aunt Fern- who is a cool lady, and my mom's favorite aunt. I fear that Fern wont be around much longer, but at least I will have the memory of her telling me about 4 years ago "I like being old, you get to ask inappropriate questions and be cranky, and no one really cares, because you are OLD!" I think thats a great attitude to have!

But ultimately these deaths remind me of my grandma, as all deaths that I have been through do. I think its because out of all the people who have passed away in the past 4 years, my grandma was a. the first one, and b. the one who I was closest to. And tonight I miss my grandma a whole lot. She first had troubles right after, like literally 2 days after I started my Sr. year of high school, yet she held on long enough to know that I graduated and even to "see" me off to college. She was alive long enough to see every grandchild through their 18th birthday.
I dont know if its me being silly but I choose to believe that she made sure I made it to college. In case you werent around- she died 1 week and 1 day into my Transy career.

As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. I am reminded that life comes and goes. Some people treat you right and some people dont. Some people you love to hate and others you hate to love.Sometimes I get too far ahead of myself, and its times like tonight that I am reminded to live in the present, and find a little bit of happiness in every day.
I only hope that when it comes time for me to make peace with my time on earth, that I have relatives who can keep alive my memory.
Here's to all the loved ones I have lost in the past 4 years:
Henrietta, Sharon, Violet, Dale, Mary Belle, Len, Stan, Slim and Stella
aka:
Grandma, Cousin, Great-Aunt, friend's dad, Great-aunt, Grandma's boyfriend, Ex-Grandpa, Great-Uncle, Great-Aunt.

Real versus Fake

Why is it that my relationship with my fake husband is way more fun and rewarding than the relationship that my heart wants?
Thats right, I have a (fake) husband. He is wonderful, caring, checks on me and always talks to me when I seem to need it the most.

So, I guess its time to take the leap.
Yea, the leap I've been avoiding for far too long.
The one that is inevitable.

J, its clear that we are just meant to be friends.
One kiss doesnt change that, especially if nothing happens afterwards.

So, my friend, here is to a long friendship!
(See, I told you I wouldnt run away)

Disclaimer: The above message was written 2 hours before what comes next.
I cant do it.
I went back and read some of my posts that deal with you and I am too emotionally involved to make myself take out all of the emotion.
If you want to be just friends, fine, tell me that, I can handle it. But I cant make that decision.

Have you heard the song "Colder Weather" by the Zac Brown Band?
Thats me and you, darlin.
I'm the lover and your the leaver.
And we dont have colder weather, we are warmer weather.

OK, I am sleepy and that might not make much sense.
My resolve isnt 100% there.
And I really wanted to come visit and check on you, but I decided that if you wanted me, you would tell me. No use in butting in when I'm not wanted.

Obsticales

This week has been one of the most exhausting both emotionally and physically weeks of my life.
I just gotta get through my long Saturday, shew.
But I've discovered one of the ways to my heart is being able to beatbox. Thats right, this country music fan will fall for just about anyone who can beatbox.
If you read this, I'd love to hear one random fact about yourself- leave it anonymously if you like, it could be fun!! :)
That is all, night peeps.

Paper Heart

OK, so the surgery is over, dad came out of it fine. Mom is sort of, kind of back to normal.
And then, more than a week after we had had a conversation the boy contacts me, something about his face breaking out. Poor baby.
Not gonna lie I kind of blew up. I dont know if he actually got the message, because he didnt respond. But because I think it was well said and to the point, I will recreate it for you! :)
"Oh no. You dont get to say the things you said last week and then run away for more than a week only to waltz back around when you feel like it. I could have used a friend, if nothing else, first Friday and then today. Not an asshole who is going to ignore me til hes ready to talk. Im not going to run away from you James, but its time to be a man and face the music. Pick something- be my friend and take me as I come, decide you want more or hell, banish  me to being an acquaintance, just tell me. Today was one of the hardest, lonliest days of my life and I could have used a friend"
Yea, that actually takes up like 5 or maybe 6 160 character text messages, so I have no clue if it went through.

I feel bad for the blow up, I do, but on the other hand I asked him to be there for me the night before the surgery, and I got no response.
So yea, Im a little upset, but I am confident that everything will work out.

Point of View

Many would argue that I dont have many struggles in my life. I have a college degree, a family willing to let me take the summer off of any real work and no student loans to panic about. And I understand that.
However, as I type this, I am going through the most difficult part of my life, to this point.

I have a depressed, diabetic father who likes sweets when he is depressed. Therefore, he conveniently forgets that hes diabetic, or doesnt care, or something like that. And he will be having his second knee surgery tomorrow. I love my father and I am grateful that the heart attack didnt take him from this world prematurely, however, I fear it made him somewhat of a hypochondriac, and that really bugs me. I hope that he gets through the surgery tomorrow, that his recoup time isnt as long or hard or tedius as he thinks its going to be, and that he will shift focus from "whats going to happen to me now" to "how can I improve my quality of life".

On the other hand my mom is sick. Shes a needy sick and on top of that shes worried about dad's surgery tomorrow. Can I give her a xanax tomorrow, pretty please? (just kidding). Over this past weekend she has turned into someone that I dont know. I worry that perhaps she too is getting depressed. And I cannot handle both of them being depressed.

I feel like our house is turning into a black hole and if I dont get out I too will be sucked down. And that only makes me want to run away. I dont have a steady job- which rules out actually moving out. But I am ready to move on in life, to start my next chapter. It just seems that I take one step forward and 2 steps backwards. I have my college degree, so I move home and work the same job I've had for the past 10 years. Yea, great, what a way to start life after college. I am simply an ant. I have no real roll in this world at the moment and I am so invisible that my family cant even see my pain. I dont want to be the back bone of the family, I dont want to have to agree with my father, soothe my mother, protect my brothers. I want to run away, to Lexington. But I wont, because what is needed of me right now, is to be the family rock. I'll just keep taking the punches, the mood swings and I will hope for everything to stabilize on the other side. 

Famous Last Words

"Because it keeps you in my life"

Do you know how many times those words have gone through my head, followed by "Your in it more than you think".

Really?

Because you said those things Monday and havent spoken to me since. Maybe I am in it exactly as much as I think I am... which is quite honestly, not very much at all.

At this point I have only 1 question.

What do you want from me, James?

In the end

we only regret the chances we didnt take
the relationships we were afraid to have
and the decisions we waited too long to make