Things People Say.

Lady Antebellum.

I want to write letters to some of the people in my life, almost like those Senior wills that we have in high school, but I just dont know where to start. I am really good at coming up with what I want to say as I am drifting off to bed, and no, I dont sleep with a computer right by my head so as to quickly jot those thoughts down, however I have installed some paper and a pen near my bed so that I can try that.
People I would write letters to:
Long Shanks- a letter of thanks more than anything else.
Boots- this letter would have all kinds of information
TPB- another letter of thanks
ok, so those are the main people, there was someone else, but I have forgotten.

In other news.

I made a connection, or rather a reconnection. The one and only boy that I have actually dated, and called my boyfriend is back in my life. And he is almost exactly how I remember him. Theres s much that is different though, but yet it is all still the same. He always was real with me, and he is still. He always liked contact, and that hasnt changed either, not only do we text a lot but also we have a running facebook conversation going on and it is fun. Its been a long time since I have had a guy friend from high school, who knows some of my history, and reconnected with them in this next chapter of my life. Its weird but at the same time wonderful.
He makes me smile and hes really a nice guy. I am glad that he doesnt remember that I treated him badly because I seriously thought that I broke this guys heart and that I treated him horribly. He asked me the other day details about our relationship- really just how long we dated and why we broke up. But I dont know many guys that would ask those questions and REALLY listen to the answers. He did.
I am such a detail person I shared more than he asked for and his response was that some people just remember details better. He didnt that it was creepy. It is reassurance from him as well as the others in my life that I am realizing maybe I'm not quite as creepy as I see myself as. I just hope that I DONT cross that line! lol.

And then theres going through emotions. haha. I think about reactions, some that just happen, whether its anger or sadness or what but geez I feel like I am an emotional roller coaster, and it isnt really necessary! So heres to becoming more even keel in the emotions department! HAHA. We will see how that goes. And sometimes I feel as if I am complaining TOO much about what I am going through, and I feel bad, but at the same time, I am an open book and I dont hide much. But I need to work on not complaining soo much! (But then again, maybe its one of those perception things too)

You know, in life there are people out there who dont always do what they say they are gonna do, I am not one of those people, and then I feel bad when I cant deliver what people ask of me. But I have to learn not to be used, to stand up for myself, while still helping those around me.

So heres to the people who have helped me, the people who have taught me lessons, not being so emotional and always doing what one says.

What do you do when the world starts to slip away?

First, I found out Sunday that a classmate of mine from high school was killed in a car wreck. He wasnt driving but his cousin was, and well its thought that they had probably been drinking. This guy, though I probably didnt ever really exchange words with him was the popular, jock that the whole school adored. So when you are roughly 1500 miles away and you find something like this out, it wrenches your heart. I know almost exactly what they are feeling, and as one person said, this is gonna be a sad high school reunion that has happened all too soon. Therefore, though I cannot be there and I might seem aloof, my heart aches for the Smith family and all of my friends that are having to go through this.

Second, I have just recently been in contact with my ex-boyfriend, the only one that I've really had. And its been fun, we joke around and make fun of each other so much and it feels great. Its been almost 4 years since we dated, and a little more than 2 since we've hung out, but in that time i think and hope that we have both grown up, so that we CAN be friends, and who knows maybe later something more, but thats counting my chickens before they hatch, and I've been really working at NOT doing that! Regardless, talking to this boy has been a great refreshing experience.
I dont know where this is going, but it makes ignoring James a little easier. Wait, ignoring is not a good word, I made a list of things that I should do on my way to New England this past Saturday, and they were 1. Not talking to James for a week, just to take a break, if I want, first thing Monday I can text him. 2. I had to be upfront with Matt, and I have accomplished that. 3. Dealt with finding a new car and 4. Dealt with school. Anyway, moving right along.
My thoughts are running around multiple things, and I feel kind of peaceful. Amazing, no?! Eh, I have a feeling it wont last for long.
There is more that I want to put on but cant find the words.

In other news, it was discovered today that the other day when mom, grandma and I stopped somewhere to hike up just a little bit, that we were in fact hiking on the Appalachian Trail, amazing no? I want to do more. I find that though I like being in contact with the world, I also like hiking and would even like to go backpacking at some point, so maybe I should start with getting into it slowly, with like the Sierra Club or something?!

So here's to new experiences, and going for something that one has always wanted to do.

One Day You Will.

Lady Antebellum

It happens. One day you are so agast over this boy, things arent going anywhere and you are SOO hung up on him (happens to me all the time) but at some point my body takes over, and tells both my head and heart that its time to move on.

So its time to move on.

This one wasnt the one for me, neither was the last one, or the one before that. And why the hell am I looking for 'the one' you ask? Well because although I have grand ideas and grand plans, the fact of the matter is that I will probably marry the first guy that I ever have a lasting relationship with. Again you ask why? Because call it a curse or a blessing, but I havent had a relationship with any guy, or at least a long one, and you know why? because theres been ONE ITTY BITTY LITTLE thing that holds me back, and it turns out that LITTLE thing saved me a lot of heartache.

So I am back to being me, the strong me.

I can and have gotten through all the hurdles thrown at me thus far, so I can keep going, and slowly but surely I feel the confidence building, maybe I'm not the creeper that I always think that people might perceive me as. Maybe just maybe someone will see me, the real me.

Maybe someday I will be at the summer party that my family has with this person. And you know what? He is going to have to convince at least 40 people that hes genuine, and thats ok, and he will. And afterwards he will hold my hand and open the car door for me, and we will go home- together. This my friends, is my current dream.

Fight Like a Girl

by Bomshel.

Every day is a new day. Every day, I think of you less.
Every day, I still want you more.

Why is it that your best friend talks to me more than you do.
What about that apartment on THAT night made me SO interesting?
I mean seriously, I didnt want three guys to be attracted to me, I wanted/ still want ONE guy to want a relationship with me.

My head knows whats good, my head wants to let go, but unfortunately my heart has other ideas, its still holding tight.

Dont.

Dont you wish we tried. Do you feel what I feel inside. You know my love is stonger than pride.
Song By Shania Twain.

Still Confused.
Need to seriously wait for him to text me first, but I fear that he wont. Even our limited contact has been better than the no contact that we had for 2 weeks.
I guess I just have to suck it up and go with the flow. Yea, its gonna suck, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
I dont know much, but I do know that if not talking to someone was killing me, that I would talk to them. Im not saying I want to talk to him 24/7 but I would like to initiate SOME contact.
So heres to the waiting- lets hope its not a 2 week ordeal! :)
Wait, is this punishment for me saying that we shouldnt talk? Is he making me wait like I did that for him? But thats not really fair because I warned him that we shouldnt talk, that I was having issues with the separation of friendship vs. romantic feelings. UGH I dont get it.

But what I want most? To see him, to surprise him at work, does that make me a horrible person, or just a hopeless romantic? haha

Everyday

Rascal Flatts song.

Today there has been a quote passing through my head. "Dont make someone a priority if they make you an option." So yes, that see-saw that I have been on for some time is at play once again.
He isnt a priority, not now, but I do like talking to him. He said he was dying not talking to me, but I havent seen any of that come into play. Somewhere, somehow I have to find the strength- the willpower to not talk to him until/unless he talks to me.

Here's to that stubborn Carnes streak, lets put it to good use!

What a Beautiful Day

Song by Chris Cagle.

I cant find the right words. I cant find the right description. Everthing swirls around and nothing gets pinned down.

This is not a good place for a person who likes to have the answers. I am not good at living without answers. But the one person who has the answers isnt very forth coming- they need space.

So heres the issue, space vs. answers.

Right now, space is winning.

I dont want to drive you away because of my questions.

Anything But Mine

Kenny Chesney song.

We are talking again. 12 days no talking and I about lost my mind- as you can read.

Still, is this good? Or am I just feeding a heartsick mind?

Really, it was killing you not talking to me? How can I not fall for that, how can I keep my head on me and focus on the fact that YOU dont want anything, at least not now, right? I am good at compartamentalizing, but I dont know if I am THAT good.

Stronger woman

So I couldnt keep up the no talking, my willpower deteriorated, but I reasoned that it was ok to talk to him if all I was trying to salvage was the friendship. So yes, I sent him a message, and no I dont know how he reacted, I dont know what hes going through, but I left it up to him. I said that I missed my friend, but did not beg for contact, instead I just told him that he knew how to get a hold of me. I have no control over his talking to me and I dont know what hes going through, but I am working on rewrking my ideas of whats going on. Yes he was scared of forcing me into something or hurting me, but I think at this point we have crossed that bridge, and the question is whether or not we ARE actually friends, and if we are I guess we are still on a hiatus. And I dont know whats going on, but I work hard to live life with no regrets, and I think that I would have regreted NOT reaching out and saying "hey I am ready to talk again when you are". So thats where things are now. Have I messed something up? I dont know, but then again it doesnt really matter.

Addiction

Yesterday, and then again today- I saw you online, I wanted to talk SO bad, but I just couldnt I dont know that enough time has passed- in fact im pretty sure that NOT enough time has passed because I still think about you, constantly.

Live your life

Life isnt perfect, it never has been it never will be, but there are moments in one's life that seem to be pretty perfect. I havent had any of those moments since early June, I think that the last pretty perfect moment that I had was June 7th. But thats not the topic today, lol.

After the past three days that I have had, days that have been sucky, today was a better day. Oddly enough, I think the rain that we had yesterday took the black cloud that was hanging over my head away! Well that, and a good dose of exercise. We got a wii fit yesterday and that thing is definitely a workout! So after my exercise I got a better hold and a happier perspective on life. I shouldnt be sad because we decided to go our separate ways for now, I should celebrate the fact that we are grown up enough to talk things through, realize that the timing is wrong, as well as the fact that we do care for one another. :)

Theres an undercurrent to this all, and I dont know what it is or what it means yet, but its definitely something that I am working on. HA, the little detective in me! heehee.

So heres to finding things out, and discovering a new perspective, where it doesnt do any good to have a pity party, but rather asserting one's self is the way to go! Good luck to the stronger women in us all.

Strange... Ride... Cry

Three song titles from 3 great artists. Reba, Martina and Faith. And I am going through some of what all these songs talk about.

I just want to cry, but I cant. Its not that I am trying to hold back the tears, but rather they just wont come. I want nothing more than to lock myself up and cry for 2 days, but somehow since I've told myself that crying is fine, that its ok, that its just what I need, the tears just wont come.

I may not be perfect, I think about him all the time, especially in the past 3 days, which have SUCKED, but I am strong- and I have got to follow through with what I said, not because I want to stick to my word, but because I know that I will be stronger if I do.

I feel as if I am trying to stop an addiction that I had. There is one habit/addiction that I do have, and I have never been able to give it up- even when trying and this not talking is much like stopping my habit. The first few days were fine, I felt as if I made the right decision, but then there was a bump in the road, and I just want to start all over, go right back to where we were- but I know that I cant, because I am just going through a little bit of withdrawl. I want to talk to you so much that I ache, but I have got to get through this, not just for myself, but also so I can be a role model for others. The world is bigger than just me and my feelings- and though I share my life openly with friends and family, part of it is so that they can see the strength that I hope that I have, that I believe that I have, and that they can find that strength in themselves.

Several weeks ago I wrote that I was at a crossroads and I had to wait for the storm to pass to decide which road I was going to take. Well I think that the storm has passed, at least for now, and I will take a path that runs just parallel to the road that I was on. New paths are scary and I am not ready for that just yet, I guess. But I cant be on that same road I WAS on, because some little things have changed. And I dont dare walk on that path that I came from, because that would be counterproductive.

The bottom line today- is that sure I want to talk to him, but I wont because I have the determination, the willpower to stick to a decision that I made last week and I believe that I am still a little too emotional to reverse that decision. So I know things will work out the way they are meant to, and I just have to live life, make decisions and like the woman that I become. :)

I cant breathe without you but I have to breathe without you

This blog is my outlet, the place where I can say everything that I want to say, but that I'm scared to say.
The title of this blog is from the song "Breathe" by Taylor Swift and it captures the emotion and feeling that is going through my head now.

I dont think I have lost him. I still consider him a friend but the no talking deal that I proposed is taking a toll on me, I almost caved today- was *this* close to texting him.

This is the part of the healing process where I have to go back, remember all the strength that I had just a few days ago, and remember that it ISNT over, its just different.

This blog is like my own personal post secret, only I am too scared to send a secret in, so I write it where anyone can see it, counting on the fact that no one will. Is that sad, realisitic, or just odd? I welcome and encourage all thoughts, and comments, that is if anyone reads this! :)

Dont Stop Believing

Just saw that on someone's facebook and it seemed appropriate.
Yesterday I saw a piece of flair on facebook that said "Beautifully Broken" and it stirred a lot of thought, who knew? See, I added the piece of flair but then I thought about it, I am not beautifully broken, Im not even broken at all, I am beautifully put together by all the things that have happened in my life. Sure Timmy B. was hard and I felt broken but it was because of him that I now have a huge respect for myself and DONT lay my heart out for everyone to see, ok well I guess I tell pretty much anyone who will listen- except for the actual person that has caught my eye so to speak. Yes, sometimes I feel as if I am just tied together with a smile, but smiling is my favorite and it can make the whole world better.
It doesnt matter where I started, or the things that deterred me or pushed me forward, but what really matters that no matter what, I keep moving forward (no matter how fast or slow) and that I DONT stop believing that things will turn out ok. Sure there will be trying times, sure I will want to give up, sure I will fall flat on my face, but at the same time I ALWAYS have the option of getting back up, and thats all that I have to do. Maybe someday when things get hard I will have someone who loves me that I can lean on for support, but until then, I only have to answer to myself, I only have to take care of myself, and I only have to support myself.

And whoever you are, whoever is reading this, I challenge you to believe in yourself and support yourself. It really is an amazing feeling. :)

Time to start the healing

So I dont know about all the other girls around, but I've seen the quote "No boy is worth your tears and the one that is wont make you cry" and its now hitting home. That boy that I was writing about yesterday, I've never actually cried over him. Everything that has happened throughout our friendship/courtship I've always been very "go with the flow" and it worked. Sure my feelings are hurt, yes, I really like him, but if its meant to be it will. I honestly think that IF it had happened this summer it would have been hard, and maybe thats just not whats meant for us now. Maybe we will just always be friends- because I do believe that we are friends, even if I have to take a break from talking to him for now. Or maybe just maybe some day we could be something more- but you know it doesnt matter, I have been able to open up- maybe not so much on the outside but I definitely know what I want and what I WONT settle for. And even if sometimes frustrating he was always a good friend, talking me through things, and yes there were times where I didnt hear what I wanted to hear (or anything for that matter) but he treated me well, overall. So no, we werent meant to have a romantic relationship at this point, but we have a friendship that I think can survive the rocks- even if they are rocks that we both throw in the way. And that might sound that Im trying to hold on to something, but Im really not. Im just in a happy place- realizing that I am me, and that if people want to be in my life, then they can, and I dont need a man in my life- in fact I may be too independant for one! ha. But I can do the things that I enjoy and thats all that matters right now. :)

To fellow strong girls, or even women who are struggling, the bottom line is that you have to believe in yourself, because honestly you are the only one that you have to live with, everyone else is just optional. So make yourself happy, do the things that YOU want to do, and dont settle for something that YOU dont want. YOU deserve the best, and so do I. And sometimes the BEST is to be single, surrounded by friends and family and holding out- because you want a King, not the Jack of Hearts! :) Good luck to us all!

Love Lockdown

I could say that I dont know why I keep writing on this blog, but thats only a half lie. I keep writing in the hopes that someone someday will benefit from it, but at the same time I have the hope that the people that I talk about, the people that I should talk TO would read this and be able to understand maybe everything that I cant say.
The only thing that I DO know about this blog is that I find comfort from writing it, and there's at least one person that reads it- even if not regularly.
There's something to be said for getting everything out so the world can see it, even if the world chooses not to.

I should have known that the night that I talked to Ibrahim that whatever James and I had was over. I know that sounds funny, but somehow Ibrahim always contacts me RIGHT after something has gone wrong with a different guy. I find this quite fascinating. I think I've noticed more this time because its been such a short time. See in March when I was dealing with the Dylan ordeal, I talked to Ibrahim. And by that time I was done with Dylan and talking to Ibrahim was a great therapy- just something normal to do even if we dont talk all that often. But then when Ibrahim talked to me not even a week after James said that he "would want to do more than {I} have done and [he] didnt want to put me in that position" (basically what I got from that was that he wanted to have sex, and apparently didnt want to push that on me), I should have known to just be done with James. I know that sounds bad, that I feel as if I should abandon a relationship because another guy talked to me but I dont see it as that way. Ibrahim has a way of contacting me at some of the most random, most needed moments in my life and THATS the reason I should have known. Ever since then James and I have been walking and interesting tightrope- he had a top secret conversation with my sister-in-law and wont tell me what its about other than hes scared of something that is "complicated" and he wont let me in. We had been talking, and even said that we were going to be friends "for now" and that we wouldnt rule out the possibility of a different relationship later. But since this past Sunday I havent heard from him save the occasional forwarded text message. But that only counts as me knowing that hes still alive! haha.

For someone who is scared about pushing me into something that I've never done, this guy just doesnt realize that life is about taking chances, being risky, and hoping for the best. I am a strong girl, and I can take care of myself, if I dont like something then I will either say stop or I will leave- simple as that, I dont really play games- I am NOT compelled to be with someone just because its whats expected, nope sorry, I am an individual and I can make my own decision. I mean if he thinks he will be abusive if I say no then I'm glad that hes not pursuing something, but if hes just scared that one or both of us will get hurt, then yea, thats life, sometimes people get hurt- but seriously we have to take a chance, if its something that I have learned in the past year (a year of HUGE change on my part) then its that you gotta take risks, chances, put your heart and soul out there for people to see, because that, my dear is how you find the people that really want to and DESERVE to be in your life. Sure people will say things like "you should be more outgoing, if nothing else, then for me, because I havent left" and then 4 months later be on the verge of leaving, but its how you deal with your disappointment in these people that will help you later in life. Life is all about chances, opportunties, and then regret. So do what you want, dive in head first, even if you are afraid of hitting your head on concrete- life is leap of faith. So hold your breathe, close your eyes and JUMP! Because whether you come out victorious or not, its something that you WANTED to do, and THATS what's important. But then again if what you say is different than what you want- like you SAY that your scared of getting hurt, but really you just DONT want a relationship, then buddy, own up. Say what you mean, men and women have enough troubles communicating cross-gender, dont make it more difficult by saying something that you really dont mean- it only makes matters worse.

Honestly I cant really say what I feel about this boy, on the one hand it felt so real, natural. But on the other hand I dont like to be led on and its starting to feel that way. I feel for him, got dropped on my ass, but I WILL get back up and move on, I just gotta catch my breath first.

Once burned twice shy woman with a jaded eye....

wants it all and nothing less.

I thought that maybe he was different, that he really cared that life was finally sending someone that I could have a relationship with, but the question now is if thats true, I dont know anymore.
Is he really that noble in not wanting to push me too far or is it a cover up? Everyone keeps telling me that I need to talk to him, but my god thats easier said than done, and I even had my chance last night, he called me- I had a captive audience.
I know he has a past, I know hes known for being a player, and I know I should give up, but I cant- theres a pull there that even if we dont have something NOW, I think there is the chance of still having something later. Is that dumb? I dont know, I have never felt like this before. The whole experience with him is different than what I've ever had before. So do I trust him, or do I look to the past. How am I to know that he hasnt changed. But then again, for arguments sake, how do I know that he HAS changed?

If I was brave enough, I would talk to him and ask him flat out:
Do you like me, want a relationship with me?
I realize that you are scared but life is full of scary things, are you really worried about me or are you worried about me hurting you?
And I would tell him that life is all about embracing new experiences, even if they are scary, its just part of life, and if it doesnt work out it will make us stronger in the long run.
I realize that real relationships are hard, take time and effort and are sometimes really frustrating. But at the same time there are the good things, and he told my sister-in-law that he wants to talk to me so even if he IS scared, he isnt giving up, just yet.
To tell you the truth, I am scared too. I have NEVER ever before been in a situation like this and my god I dont know which way to turn. So I will stand at the crossroads for a while, just waiting for the storm to pass and then maybe I will have a clearer view of what my destination might be.
And I doubt he will read this but if he does, this my friend is everything that I have a hard time saying in person, because honestly I dont want you to take it the wrong way. Ultimately I try my very hardest to protect myself and if I say these things to you then it leaves me more vulnerable.

Life is good- if sometimes frustrating

As I type this I am in the middle of a family vacation, all 11 of us... 7 adults and 4 children under the age of 7- and its been pretty good.
I dont know really where to start with this, working on letting things just flow out of my head and onto the screen I guess. I was confused and yes a little hurt when he told me that overall he would want more than I have ever done in a relationship and he didnt want to put me in that position. There are several ways to look at this, first I thought it was at least thoughtful that he said that outright- even if I did have to kind of pin him down. Secondly, who in their right mind would want ONLY a relationship with the things that I have done- even I am looking for something more, however, I dont want to base a relationship on sex or the implications of sex- which is what I told him.
I wanted to keep the friendship alive, but I really dont know how well thats gonna go because he sends messages like "Good morning beautiful" and "Im so lonely in bed this morning, I wish you were here"- that doesnt sound like someone who is giving up, nor does it sound like someone who got turned down- for all intensive purposes. So what gives? Is it that hes trying to stay in my good graces? or Does he actually have real feelings for me and still want me around? I dont get it, why do people have to sugar coat things, why cant someone just say what they mean?! But I cant say that I dont like this distraction, becuase it keeps me from focusing on all the little irritations that living in a house with 10 people creates! HAHA.
I guess we will just see how things pan out.

Cant take my eyes off you

Ive always been a hopeless romantic and thought all the little sayings were cute, but never before have I actually been able to apply those saying to my life- until now. And it is all very scary, I dont understand a lot of whats happening, I am just trying to tread water here, I have fallen for him- that much I know. There is an attraction, we both feel it. He sometimes calls me beautiful and babe, and I melt every time. We have a easy, nice relationship, theres just one problem- the distance. I know people say that long distance relationships are hard, and I get that, ive never doubted that, but I have tried to make plans with him, tried to see him and its not working. I think he wants to see me- or at least thats what he says, but I mean COME ON make the time, ask me to come visit, is it really that hard?
The funny thing is even with this problem of not getting to see one another, I just long to be with him, to spend time with him, its like everytime plans are broken I just want to see him that much more. And its turning into an ache, never before have I had an ache like this. And I dont know what the next step is, I guess its to tell him this- even if I am scared to, because one of two things can happen- either he will understand and make the time to see me, or thats it and I never see him again- or something in between. And though it wouldnt be easy to live with the second option- I will and can deal with whatever outcome happens. I am strong enough to do that.

This post's title is that of a Lady Antebellum song that I have truly fallen in love with- it describes my emotions almost to the T.

New Poem

"Not 'the End'"

It's funny that because of you
i found a friend who treats me true
a person willing to listen
and keep me woring toward my vision
you weren't the one for me
that much is plain to see
but I am grateful
for all the things that made you hateful
because thats the reason
that ultimately led to my leavin'
i couldnt stand your moods
or lack of eating the occasional junk foods
but i said that i would be your friend
and i would be there til the end
so there i stood
even when it was no longer good
i was there until you stabbed me in the back
still im grateful because i can clearly see all the facts
it wasnt you that i was meant to see
but seeing you helped open my eyes to the world around me
and with any luck
i will be able to open up
let new people in
instead of giving up and saying "the end"

You've got me runnin wild at heart

I saw a quote yesterday that said "A relationship is about more than finding the right person, its about being the right person" and it stuck with me. It kind of touches on conversations that my roomie and I had last year, she would tell me that I was perfect for *him* but that he wasnt what I needed. And then later in the year, when I met the Gentleman (lol) she told me that he was perfect for me, and that honestly I was good for him too. She said that the Gentleman and I fit together better. It also seems, to me, that my relationship with the Gentleman is growing. Sure sometimes I've been frustrated- mostly when he decides not to call me to tell me whats going on, but over the course of 4 months this person has really helped me grow up- in a way. We talk ALMOST every day and he is generally really sweet, he makes fun of me at appropriate times and is serious at times too, and somehow, right when my head tells me that I should give up he calls me or texts me and its just that little simple touch of communication that melts me all over again. I love the texts first thing in the morning that say "Good morning beautiful" or "good morning babe", but "good morning hot stuff" doesnt quite hit me the same way. lol. I've never been one for pet names, but my god I get butterflies everytime he texts one. haha.
So when I get frustrated I tell myself that this isnt always supposed to be easy, there will be tough times, and its weathering the tough times that makes a person stronger- whether it makes them a stronger individual OR makes the relationship stronger.
Right now though, I am in a comfortable place- he knows I like him, and his best friend tells me he likes me, now we just get to figure out whats next. And at this point, I am ok with a little bit of waiting. So, we shall see how it goes! :)

The title of his post is from "Wild at heart" by Gloriana

Good morning beautiful, I run to you...

I havent posted anything in quite some time... I've sometimes sat down to write but get a little overwhelmed with everything that I want to say, everything that needs to be said, and so discouraged, I save a draft and move on. Its not that I dont want to share- I thrive on being an open book and will tell anyone just about anything about myself, no, the reason I havent posted is just that I have gone through emotional roller coasters in the last few months and though I was diligent on talking about my whole Party Boy situation the more recent hills and valleys are a little more complicated and I dont know who reads this and I really dont want to hurt someone. That being said... I write on.
I just wish that once a relationship that I want to persue was straight forward, but NO, Jessie Carnes CANNOT under ANY circumstances have a straight forward, easy, uncomplicated relationship- I think it might be a rule. And yes I do say that with sarcasm, and a smile on my face.
Another thing that I want to happen is I want someone to TALK to HER... tell her that its not going to work and that holding on to someone just because you dont want to see them with someone else is just plain rude. But I cant be that someone because I am so entangled within the relationship that I speak of, as well as relationships of my own with each parties, that I would be seen as the bad guy, and I dont want that either. I dont go in with the feeling or idea that they arent good for each other, but rather the knowledge that each party is stubborn and holding on too hard to something that doesnt fit. And though I have a DEEP respect for my relationship with one party, as the other party tells me, I sometimes have to put myself first- and that is incredibly hard for me. I am used to being disappointed and hurt, could it be that if I fight for what I want then I can actually have something?! All signs point to yes, but do I DARE get my hopes up?
I feel somewhat like a black hole and know that if given the time I would definitely suck all the life out of myself thinking too hard on the things before me, but thanks to having a job, I am saved for 30 hours out of every week. Sure I think about my situation while at work, but I cant dare dwell on it because I would disappoint those who count on me at work, and I struggle and beat myself up (mentally) when I let others down. Its the worst feeling in the world. That and makind dumb silly mistakes, things that had they not been caught- may have cost a fair amount of money. And I try to forget about my stupid mistakes, but I am not one of those, oops I did something wrong, time to move on types. Nope, I think and agonize over what I have done wrong for hours or even days- eventually I get over it, but like with life in general, it just takes time.
As for the title of this post, its two song titles put together. The Good Morning Beautiful is what a certain someone said to me this morning- and I gotta say, I love to hear it! :) Lets just hope that maybe something will come out of this one. And the I Run to You, is what I woke up singing this morning, and yes if possible I would run to the certain someone mentioned above. But, alas, only time will tell as to how things will go.

Lastly, Happy 5th birthday to my dear neice Taylor, who had surgery yesterday. She seems to be doing fine, hopefully it is NOT a behavioral problem as the doctor indicated and she will get to back to being a "normal" 5 year old girl.

Content, could it be real?

Never before, at least in my memory have I felt this way. School is good, not perfect but good, and its nice to be out for summer. I have friends both at school and home that will see me through some of my most interesting escapades, and I am grateful. I have a family, that though sometimes we have our disagreements we WILL come together when it matters most. And we are taking a family vacation- the first in 10 years, and in that 10 years there have been 2 marriages and 4 babies. And I have had some interesting experiences in the past 2 months that have been very eye opening. I'm not saying that I want to feel exactly this way for forever, but I am at least peaceful with how I feel right at this moment. Nothing lasts forever, and especially not emotions- I see them kind of like tides, coming and going several times a day, with a pull from somewhere else.

HELP! I turned 20 and now my car doesn't love me anymore.

So Ive been 20 for roughly 10 days. And I have had 2 car issues. First I had a flat tire- one of the most stressful things that I have dealt with in recent history, and then a week later I stop at a stop light and when it turns green, instead of going, my car decides to screech, so what to do when stopped at a busy intersection and your car wont move? Call AAA or 911? I called 911, I figured if nothing else then they could at least send a cop to direct traffic. So a cop came and got me out of the busy road and I got to wait another 45 minutes for AAA to come pick me up. Turns out it was just a stripped tire rod, but not something that I want to experience again. It makes me think, are we really safe in cars?
When I got my license my parents thought that I would never actually drive, or that it would at least take me a long time to get used to driving, all because of some of my irrational fears, but I hit the ground running. And now- almost 4 years later is when I start having my doubts. I dont think I will stop driving, but I do worry about it a little too much sometimes I think. Oh well, I will just strive to be really careful- no matter what. And I cannot panic, because that wont help anything! :)
So safe driving to all those around.

Its my birthday and I'll cry if I want to.

Ok, so no I havent actually cried today, but I did yesterday. I know I havent written in a while, but I turned 20 today. And I am thrilled to no longer be a teenager, not that I had a hard time being a teen, but I was just ready to not be anymore! haha. The only thing is that I feel SO lonely. I mean I have a family that loves me and I have some amazing friends, but sometimes I just want someone who will hold me at night- something that I know I've said over and over, but its just what I feel. SO, here's to an incredibly lonely birthday, may they not happen every year.

I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.

Still confused. Good days come less often than the bad days with the boy and maybe its time to start to let go. Everyone tells me to let go, move on, hes not worth it, but at the same time I feel as if I am letting him down. Never before have I left someone when I have had so many questions that havent been answered. Is he really this moody, or is he just TRYING to push me away? What has him hurting so much that he is so miserable? And its not like I totally believe in astrology, that I live by it, and check my horoscope daily- because I dont. But a friend has a couple of books, and I was reading those yesterday and boy did the ways of a Cancer really fit this guy. One of the books said that the easiest way to piss off a cancer is by being happy- and you know what I can see that. I am almost always happy on the outside, or at least in public, and he has already commented on my being to hyper or happy.
That aside, we have our moments of being compatible, but I dont think its enough. I mean I know relationships are supposed to take time and effort, but at the same time I dont know that they are supposed to take this much time and effort, and definitely not if its only one sided.
So this is what I do know:
-none of my friends like him- and this is important to me
-he is very moody, and I dont know when he is gonna be in a good mood or a bad mood or when it will change- because that happens at the drop of a hat.
-we had a great first week of talking/spending time with each other- but it obviously didnt last
-he helped me to open up, come out of my shell, just a little bit, but baby steps work best for me
-he has some issues from his past that are still bothering him
-And last, I would like to be there for him, be a friend, but there is only so much moodiness that I can take. So for now I shall back off- let him do some of the work of keeping up with our friendship or whatever. Plus, I aint got time for this right now! haha. Ive got finals next week that I really gotta take seriously. and I do, so no distractions!

Breathe

So the past week, when I have been agonizing over the whole new boy thing, it was almost all for nothing. Im an idiot, a creepy one at that. And though he hasnt confirmed my being an idiot, he did accept my apology, I think. I shall try to write out what happened, if nothing else to prevent it from happening next time. And Andrew helped me figure these things out- from a guys (or mostly guys, lol) persepective. Last Sunday when my mom called when I was out with him and I told her what was going on, it may have freaked him out. I understand that and if thats what happened I am sorry. And then he was taking a step back- not necessarily trying to run away, just slowing down, and I felt that he was running, and so I tried to keep him. Not the best idea at this point. And I kept pushing and pushing and making an issue out of something that wasnt really there- or at least not as bad as I made it out to be. Doing that only made it worse. Basically he was trying to take a step back- I didnt recognize this and just thought he was going through a hard time, and needed a friend, so I went into friend mode. I care very much about my friends, especially when they are going through a hard time, so I went into overprotective, I am gonna stand by your side no matter what friend mode. And this probably scared him a little more. At this point Andrew comes into my room- the boy and I had just had another little spat, and Andrew looked at it, explained it and then got a phone call. So while he was talking to his sister, I looked back over some things that were said in the last week or so, and at the beginning the boy wasnt pulling away, just not talking so much as he had been- and I took that and ran with it, so to speak.
Yesterday morning I apoligized for overreacting, and he accepted it and we had a good day talking yesterday. Theres still some things that I am iffy about, things that I am not sure bringing up would be good, but ya know, I think eventually things will be ok. I just gotta remember to not be SOOOOO ready to jump on something that isnt necessarily happening. Ive got to keep my head on my shoulders, and take things slow. I get upset when I dont understand something- and thats what makes me react so strongly. Note to self- strive to understand, but dont overreact! :)

Past and Present

So I wrote the following paragraph back in December on my myspace blog, and it still stands true today, so I am trying to reiterate what I have said before, maybe it'll keep me going, and growing. This is what I said then:

So though its hard, and not necessarily fun, I am working on being me, finding myself (and I have come a long way, but circumstances are always changing so I may not know myself 100%, and thats ok.) and letting people see me. Not a shy person, but rather a talkative one, and not always a happy person, but a person that always wants to make others smile, and not always a nice person, but a person who tells others when she is mad at them, or hits them out of frustration, or maybe gives them the silent treatment. So this is me, being myself, and hoping that others will want to find a place in my life, whether its as friends, acquaintances, or other things. But no pressure, things will happen when they are meant to, and I may not be happy with the timing but I do believe that it will happen when I am truly ready, and
until then I'll be the best me that there is.

And I'll leave this post with just that.
Goodnight

Here comes goodbye

And death hits my family once again. My grandma's significant other passed away, I got the message at 11:26 this morning. It wasnt a surprise but it still has a blow. With every death now, I am reminded of my granmda- she was the first person that I was close to that passed away, and everytime that hole in my heart is rubbed raw again. I have a routine by now- I am really raw for a couple of days, and then it scabs over and then its like a new scar- that rough pink skin. But it will get better over time- even scars And though I know those who are close to me want to be there for me, but I dont think anyone really has the answers for when something like this happens.
So, the best answer about how to deal with these situations comes from within. I am a strong person, and I have gotten through this before, and I can do it again. And for those who dont know what to say to me, ignore the death part, talk to me like or ordinarily would, but at the same time hug me. Thats all I need, I just need hug after hug after hug. Someone to hold me tight- without saying anything- would be ideal, but I know that at this point that wont happen.
Its easy for me to let anyone in, but its harder to let them stay, people get to know me and they leave, whether its after a few weeks or after years, its what happens I am used to it. I am a country girl and when you lose something you dont cry. Its like falling down, you get up, wipe the dust off, laugh a little too loudly if you are slightly embarrassed and go on with life.
Its also kind of like getting in a fight- if you are pissed enough you arent gonna give up. You get punched you punch back, so I just gotta remember that life is gonna keep knocking me down, and the best thing that I can do is keep getting up.
I realized today that I have great friends here at Transy, and I think that they put up with tons of crap from me and I appreciate it, but at the same time I would do anything for these people. But there comes a point when talking about yourself is just too much. Everyone has problems and almost everyone can listen about others problems- to a certain extent, but theres gotta be some give and take.
I also realized that though I am an open book and I will share just about anything with the people that I know- I still internalize a fair amount too. There isnt a single person around that knows everything that goes on behind my hazel eyes, and honestly I wouldnt have it any other way. I am blessed to have the people in my life that are there for me, and in return- I am there for everyone, almost unconditionally.

And it all comes crashing down

I just received the lovely news that my grandma's boyfriend is dying- they dont expect him to live through the weekend. He had surgery for Kidney cancer just in January. Now, it might seem that I am fairly removed from him- hes not even necessarily a part of the family, but it will still be hard. Its mostly hard because my mom describes this as being similar to how her father died, and its taking a toll on her, as well as my grandma. Len is kind of an abrasive person but he has good intentions and he has always been helpful and he loved my grandma- which gets him the most points.
It all kind of brings me back to the death of my grandma- and those shortly after. Death isnt something one likes, or looks forward to (well at least not most people) but it is a part of live and you get used to it, or rather Ive gotten used to it. The hardest was 6 people in 6 months. And I dont know if this will be 9 or 10, but it doesnt matter- its still no fun.
I guess the moral of the story, for me anyway is sure its hard, and yea it hurts like hell, but I just gotta get up and keep going. I am allowed a breakdown, but my friends and my family count on me, and I can help others, as long as I am functional myself. If I dont stay on my feet, how am I supposed to be there to help others back up. There is more to this world than just me, and I feel that if I can help pick just one person up then its worth it. But at the same time, its times like these when I am most vulnerable, and I just want to be held- even though it seems pretty impossible. :) Give me a few days, maybe a week, and I will be fine.

An Analogy, and a continuation of the current saga.

So today, while trying NOT to fall asleep in my macroeconomics class I just started writing. And then I found an analogy of the whole boy thing that I am going through. It starts with meeting one another- and that is like catching the eye of someone on the sidewalk that you dont know but you smile and say hi and go on with your life, there are no expectations with that.
Then the week of intense conversation and couple of nights that he came up to Transy- that is like meeting someone on vacation, you want to know everything and anything, and you spend LOTS of time with that person. Or I also thought it would be like walking down a street with someone, holding their hand and then going to a coffee shop for conversation. Either way, its an intense period but at the same time the expecatations still arent totally clear and you are just enjoying spending time with a person.
Next you say something that the other person doesnt like, or something that worries them, and they run into a building and lock it up tight. They put up barriers, maybe unintentionally, but barriers just the same. And I have been standing on the porch of the house (what I imagine the building as), I get little muffled responses to my questions and I dont understand what has happened, and it might very well be raining, but I dont leave, because thats not me. I stick around because I dont understand, I stick around because I care and thats just who I am.
Finally the door is slowly unlocked, and I have to remember not to thrust myself agains the door, because that wont help. I just have to be patient. Maybe the door will open a crack. And I will take what I can get, crack by crack by crack. I think a normal person would walk away from the situation, but I am not normal, and for some reason I cant just let go.
So heres to waiting for the cracks of the door- which means being patient. Im in it for the long haul, you can count on me.

Count your blessings, not your worries

So I am blessed with a family that loves me and supports me no matter what. There are only 5 males that I need in my life at this point- and thats my dad, my brothers and my 2 nephews. Sure its nice to be wanted by a guy thats my age, and I am not giving up hope, I am just screwing my head back on. The past 10 or so days I met the boy that has been mentioned in the past few posts and it was fun, he was nice, but ultimately hes not for me, and Im not for him, not romantically anyway. I think that whats best for me now is to be his friend- a nonjudgmentive friend that he can always turn to. So I am very thankful that the universe answered my call and that it reassured me that I can be wanted.
I know it doesnt seem as if my head was in the clouds during this whirlwind 10 days, but it was, I just also had the presence of mind to keep pushing through the clouds because I knew that there were things that I still needed to do, things that I still needed to see, even though there was this new and exciting boy in my life. What I have discovered is that I dont want to change myself for anyone, I am happy to be who I am, I love being me, and I would love for a guy to also share my happiness for life. I cant deal with guys that are constantly going through mood swings because I am generally and upbeat person and mood swings just rub one me until I want to break down- especially if they arent mine because I want to help people and if their moods are constantly moving back and forth between extremes then I cant help them the way that I want to. And maybe its a lesson that I cant always help people, but I can tell you that I will always try- if I think you are worth it! HAHA.

Next for me is the end of this semester and May term. There are less than 2 weeks left of class, then a week of finals and then a short 4 day break and then the 4 week term. Time is FLYING by! I registered for the classes that I will be taking in the fall this morning and I got everything that I wanted. Now, I just have to find something for the summer. And I may have to take macroeconomics over again. UGH- but I think it will be better over the summer, hopefully.
I guess thats it for now!

Bring your life to life: stop planning, start doing

Got some more Dove promises and the title refers to one of the messages I got.
And ya know? It kind of applies to me, I am always planning things out, sure I live the day to day of my life as it comes, but I am always planning for tomorrow, for the future, and Im not saying that it has to stop. But it might be a good idea to slow it down- because even as I plan I realize that its never gonna happen just the way I want it to. So heres to living just a little bit more in the present.
That being said, I shall talk about the boy, because he, in fact is in the present. lol. I become less and less confident that a romantic relationship will come from this- at least not until he is able to work through some personal hurdles, and until he tells me what they are theres not much that I can do other than be there for him, but I will promise that I will be there for him. I think that he has got to learn to trust again, I am fairly certain that his one bad experience hovers over him like a black cloud- kind of the way that mine does, but I am certain that his is a little more complex. I know what my issues are, I know even how to solve them, I just dont know when the will be solved. And you know a relationship takes a fair amount of trust, and willingness to let the other person in.
Yup, the old relstionship is definitely hovering around him like a black cloudm and he feels as if he missed out on some things- thus now he wants to go back and party. I wish him all the luck and I will be the friend- its what I am used to, its what I am good at- I just hope that he will understand that we are now friends, which means I wont forget about him and I will worry about him.
So thats it for now, goodnight!

Sleeping, or lack thereof

This past week has been whirlwind for me. And through it all I feel pretty grounded. Started with the party that I went to not two days ago Friday, but a week and two days ago. I went so that I could make sure my friend got home safe, and wasnt going to be driven home by a guy that was going to drink. And at that party I met a guy that has given me the time of day. We have been texting almost constantly, and he has come up and stayed at Transy- twice. I gotta say, sleeping in someone's arms all night is much better than I ever could have imagined, even if I dont get much sleep. And that sounds bad, but really nothing has happened. This guy is giving me the space and time that I need to wrap my head around being, hmm, I guess the best word to use here is wanted.
At this point we are just friends, and we both have some feelings, issues, and past experiences to work out before anything could happen. But while getting these things figured out, I think anyway, that we have each other's backs. I will admit that I am not the perfect, dorm room hostess and that I get kind of flustered, and quiet, very quiet, but I think I am making progress.
Kind of the funny side to all this, was mom calling this morning, while the boy and I were at Panera, and she was talking about shirts to get me from her trip, and apparently I was giggling. She called back later to ask why I was giggling, I told her that the boy was making fun of the situation. So she asked if he had stayed the night and I said, yes (I'm not gonna lie to my mom!) and she asked if there was anything that I wanted to tell her, to which I said no. Now the kind of funny thing was that this conversation was going on while I was still out driving with the boy. (Yup, gonna keep refering to him as the boy, those who are close know who he is, and I dont really like using names on this blog.) And so mom said that she was gonna call dad. So she got off the phone with me, I turned to the boy and said shes gonna call dad. He asked if I was worried, and I said no, dad is just gonna call my brothers and I dont think they are gonna do anything. By the time that I got back to my room, both brothers had texted me, as well as my dad. Everyone was a little questioning at first, but then almost unanimously they said that they were happy for me. Hope they know that this may not turn into a relationship, but I dont think that matters too much. I think they are just happy that I am getting out there and getting a little attention. Not to mention, they are happy that I am happy. And for now I am. I dont know where this is going, I dont know all the little pieces yet, but as they fall into place, I will keep this updated- as usual. :)

Inspiration

I want to be an inspiration for girls that have been hurt emotionally, but not like anuse, just things havent gone right with guys. To do that I will share my story. Now, dont feel sorry for me because I live a pretty happy life, and I have almost everything that I need or want, but when it comes to guys, things just dont go my way. It started when I was fairly young and had my first crush- he was my one of my best friends, and definitely didnt see me as datable. That was the hardest to get through, because it wasnt just a crush, it lasted 8 years, and I guess you could say it was my first puppy love thing. And over the years there have been the other crushes, 1 short relationship, and lots of unrequited feelings. The common denominator of all this has been me, left crying. But thats not the inspiration that people need to hear.
The key to it all is to keep your head up. Its not about how many times life knocks you down, or the struggles you go through, but rather getting back up and being strong enough to stand tall after something happens, everytime.
My latest experience was that I met a guy friday night at a party, we seemed to hit it off. So I facebook friend requested him and he sent me his number, and we have been texting oh so much over the past few days. And it seemed that he was in to me, definitely saying all the right things at the right time, but then the bombshell came- he is also talking to another girl, and her name is Kristen (funny, the last guy that I was falling for dated a Kristen). I cant even tell you how crushed I was. But the point here, is that he did tell me about the other girl, and he told me before anything happened between us, and I think hes a pretty decent guy, but nonetheless it was a blow to the gut. I told him that I still wanted to talk to him but that he had to stay honest with me. I dont know how this will turn out.
Heres the thing though- my friends, god love them, are pissed. And I am the one that is, I dont know the right word to put here, maybe laidback about it all. I had a friend that was super excited and jumped for the phone when I got a text before I could. And then theres another friend that has just gone through the hard- hes my friend and I really like him and then he shows up with girlfriend situation.
To them and everyone else I say this: I have been broken, knocked down a couple of times, and shocked, but I know that whatever is happening will lead to the eventual happy ending for me, because I wont settle for anything else. Now, this is not to say that my happy endind will include a guy- just that Im not going to get depressed and down and hurt SO much after every guy that walks into my life.
I may talk about guys a lot but there is more to life than guys and love and such.
Plus this guy- the one from the party- has distracted me throroughly from the last guy, and if nothing else, THAT is a blessing.
Ok, disclaimer, some of this sounds kind of religious, but for me its not. If it inspires you in a religious way then go for it, but thats not where it came from.

Restless

I don't understand, but I do get it, and thus I need to let go, give up, move on.

With these words I start the path of being ME for ME. If others dont like it, I am sorry, but I will not make excuses for myself. So, enjoy!

Take a Chance on me.

So I havent written in a while and thats mostly because I dont necessarily know how to say the things that I want to say. It occured to me, when I was handed the stats by the mysterious stats guy, that people from Transy might read this blog, and sure I WANT people to read it, but there is a great deal of personal things on here that are/were easier to write about when all readers were faceless! Oh well, life goes on right?
Where to start? Where I left off, of course.
Since I last wrote, our basketball team captured the HCAC (Heartland Collegiate Athletic Conference) basketball championship- both teams did actually.
Then both teams were on the road to the NCAA Divison III tournament. Girls were off to St. Louis and boys to Centre college- just down the road. So naturally I went to the boys game. I got there at 5- the first game was at 6, and Transy played at 8. I honestly expected it to be crowded when I got there, but it wasnt, I think I may have been the 20th person there! But its ok, because I got a prime seat- just about half court, 4 rows up! Shortly after I got there, parents and grandparents started showing up. They have become a sort of family- a basketball family. The game was a good one, our guys played their hearts out, but we came up a bit short, after going into overtime, thanks to Joey hitting two free throws with 0.00 time left on the clock for regular play. We lost by 4. It was sad but also theres the promise of a new beginning for those who arent seniors. For the seniors it was bittersweet, but you know at least we made it to the tournament- thats SOMETHING. So after the game I stuck around to shake the hands of the players, as was becoming my new habit. Some of the players even hug me now. And one player in particular hugged me when I stuck out my hand to shake his. I was thrilled, and confused, because see this is the Saint, I talk about him a lot and he had basically stopped talking to me the week before the game, which pissed me off. And his girlfriend had friend requested me on facebook, which made me curious. I just thought that his girlfriend was checking up on the people he was talking to, and maybe told him to stop talking to me, I didnt know. But then he hugged me, and I KNOW that it was a simple thanks for coming and thanks for your support thing, but he could have done that with a simple handshake. And throwing me even further was the fact that the following day, he and his girlfriend are no longer friends on facebook- yes facebook, I know its silly but it IS informational! So safe to say they are no longer together? I dont know. And these thoughts have kept me wondering ALL through the break. But now basketball is over and I dont know when I'll get to talk to him again- without bein awkward about it. Oh and theres the whole "its probably not even me" thoughts, I know how many girls think that he is gorgeous and such, so that keeps my head running around in circles too.
Ah well, I cant stop living life to think about all the different possibilities or opportunities, I just have to go with the flow. See what happens, and be BRAVE, I am pretty sure my whole family is rooting for me! haha Mom, dad, brothers, grandma- everyone! And then theres the people who ask about me and the guys I am around, and of course, I share, because I cant hold it back- they are also very supportive. Now, if only it would happen (no, I dont really expect it to).

And now, Spring Break!
I had such grand plans of things to do over break, very little actually got done but I did enjoy my week, and I have time before things HAVE to be done, I just need to get straight to work once I get back to school.
I think thats where I'll stop today. :)

Beautiful Disaster

I know I talk about it A LOT, and for those who keep listening I say thanks, and I'm sorry. I mean this has truly become an obsession for me. It has been a slow, lifelong progression though. Basketball, yes thats it. I mean sure there are other parts of my obsession, but really it comes back to basketball. I even went out and bought one the other day and I dont even play, but I just keep coming back to it. Sure I like other sports too, but basketball is my favorite. And sure there is the one player that has helped me with this obsession, but still its the smell of the gym, the sound of the dribbling and the swish of the net, the jerseys, the yelling and the coach's dance that really make me happy. And honestly it kind of amazes me that I havent gotten tired of it yet. Its like a high, its amazing and I have such a good time with it. Sometimes the best thing too, is having the players and people around the team recognize me. I feel as if I have gone my life with out really being noticed and so when people notice me it THRILLS me, to no end. I guess I just express myself through this blog because though I am thrilled by basketball I know my friends arent and so I try to think of them- and try NOT to bore them to death. I really hope that I find someone to share my love of the game with, whether its just a friend or more, at this point it doesnt matter, I just want to absorb myself with basketball. And though it might sound kind of petty- its seeing the game live that makes it all the better, though as I have said before, having it on as background noise on the TV is also pretty soothing.
Basketball is my beautiful disaster- but I am ok with that. The game is the beautiful part, the disaster part is not being able to fully share it with the person that I want to share it with. So heres to looking forward and looking for that person. :)

Less Distracted

Just wanted to report that the first thing on my mind this morning was Calculus, apparently I am back to normal, well, as normal as I can be. I know that I was having good dreams last night but the roommates phone alarm promptly woke me up and all memories of good dreams flew away from me head. But it is ok. I was able to finish my calculus homework and hopefully I can go to the board for extra credit on the test that is later this week. I will continue my Panera runs- though I am slowing down on the amount that I spend there, I am running short on money- going to Indiana didnt help, although I only had to put $26 in the tank for the round trip- THAT was exciting!
I guess I dont really have that much to write other than I had a great weekend, even if I was fairly distracted and I am ready to be back in the groove of school work. I just have to get through 2 more full weeks of class, 2 tests and then its spring break, and I can go home and let my tongue hang out for a day or two, but then I gotta study- well that and watch basketball! :)
I am saddened that basketball season is almost over, but I am thrilled for the start of baseball. Anyway, thats all I will ramble about today- gotte head to class!

Roadtrip aftermath

Yesterday, my roomie, a friend of ours and I drove 4 hours to go see our basketball team play. I had a blast, the drive up wasnt great fun though- I do believe that is the worst weather I have ever driven through, it got snowy and icey pretty darn fast. But we made it there safe- and I am a pretty safe driver- I am really glad I was driving, though I was not happy about the weather I think I may have ahd a panic attack if someone else was driving- I know that sounds weird, but its me :). Anyway got to see the last 10:37 minutes of the girls game- they won- YAY. And got to move down to the lower level- front row, right behind our team for the guys game. There were a few other students that made the drive but mostly we were surrounded by parents. Parents are my favorite- I just love how intense they are, and I love how much the players of our team respect and love their parents, its priceless. After the game we stayed to congratulate players and then back in the road for the 4 hour drive home. The drive home was much better than the drive up!
I think I dreamt of lots of basketball things last night because when I woke up this morning I had the Saint on my mind. It was the first coherent thought that I had this morning, and I honestly cant think of a time where that has ever happened to me before, and it threw me off, so thus my whole day has been off. I have been experiencing LOTS of different emotions from jealousy, to excitement, guilt and sadness. Its almost too much to handle. But life goes on and so must I.
I am so glad that we get to host the tourney this weekend but gosh I have had this weekend planned out since before Christmas, so trying to fit in other basketball games is NUTS! I will do what I can and I must not feel guilty for missing a game- no matter how big it is, my mom is more important than any basketball game, and thus so is spending time with her. But I will admit it wont be easy for me to turn off my basketball brain, so I KNOW I will be thinking about how we are doing during Mamma Mia. And missing this game will mean missing only my third home game ALL season. But even when I missed those games- I did watch them on the internet! Next year will be a bigger year for me. I really hope to go to more away games- those mini roadtrips are fun. And maybe just maybe next year I will be traveling with the team- working on stats. One can always hope- I mean that would be freaking awesome!

On to other things- I was reading the partial copy of Midnight Sun that is on Stephenie Meyer's website- its Edwards version of Twilight (It wasnt helpful to my disorganized mood today) but one of the things that caught my eye was: Reckless Angel. I really liked this term and I have applied it to myself as well as the Saint- kind of subconsciously. Sometimes I feel reckless in my feelings and I know I cant necessarily pick and choose the people I fall for- I mean if that were true then I would definitely NOT have picked the Saint. And I dont mean to sound full of myself, but I am, for the most part a good person that makes good decisions and thus thats where the Angel part comes in. And then turning it around to the Saint: Reckles in some of the decisions that he makes, but still he is an Angel in my eyes, and I honestly cant help it. As I said before, if I could help it then he wouldnt be the object of my attention- not because hes not worthy, but because he is already taken, in what seems to be a fairly happy relationship.

I guess I just dont get it. I dont really get people, and I dont always understand myself. Why would someone who plays the game of basketball with all his heart fall for and be with someone who clearly doesnt really love the game. Is it that opposites attract, or is it that at this point its comfortable? And then at the same time, its not my place to be privy to such details. Its not my life, and I usually dont care what others do with their lives, as long as it doesnt effect me and this shouldnt be any different, but for some reason it is different. I cant tell you why, maybe because he is the person that I have fallen for most recently, and I want him to be happy? But then he IS happy- at least on the outside. So why to I feel protective? I feel as if I mean more to him than I actually do, and I feel as if he deserves better. Maybe thats true- but then again why am I so judgemental over this girl that he obviously is happy with. See I keep going in circles! UGH

I suppose the next topic of blogging conversation here is the sorority issue- tomorrow they will vote on my voluntary probation. And I will be free, for the rest of the semester, I mean I have to go to one event a month but other than that Im free. Then in May I meet with the standards committee again to decide whether I am to return or whether I am done for good. This probation period couldnt come soon enough.

And lastly- still wondering who the stats person is, you know the one that brought me the stats after the basketball game last week? Apparently you read this, so maybe I can get a copy of the stats on Saturday?- assuming we win Friday- I would ask for the Friday stats but I am not going to be at the game- see above. And your name- since I missed it the first time, can you tell me again?! :)

Thats it for now, ~Reckless Angel.

Touched.

I have had almost the best night of my life- sorry traveling still is better than this, but it takes a REAL close second. First, my wonderful roomie got to the game early to save me my seat. It really made me happy. And my brother got to at least see part of the game online- which also really made me happy.
Then we won our game. And what a great birthday present to one of our player's mom! And it was Senior night, which made it more bittersweet. I was sitting beside Joey's grandfather, who is 93. It made me smile that he was there to cheer on his grandson.
So the real highlights of the night come after the game is over, I have gotten into the habit of staying after the game to talk to Matt or other players and so I was talking to the mom's whos birthday it was and this person came up to me "Are you Jessie?" hmm, "Yea" and he hands me the stats from the game, the official stats. And said that he had heard that I take the stats and thought that I might like to compare or whatever. I was awed, touched and impressed. Apparently he read about my stats obsession here on this blog. And if you are reading now, Im sorry, I think you told me your name, but I dont remember what it was- honestly I was so impressed with the whole stats thing that anything you said really flew out of my head! I am very touched that you read my blog, and then found me and brought me the stats. Thank you!
And lastly I had a conversation with the Saint, it wasnt much but it was SOMETHING.. it thrilled me- what was it about you ask? Basketball stats, what else?! HAHA.

Anyway- I am off to bed. But heres to basketball stats! :)

Needing vs. Wanting

Today a friend and I have been discussing guys, how we feel about specific ones and all that good stuff. So some of the highlights of things that we discussed.
AS far as wanting a guy: "Just any guy isnt the answer. I think we want to need somoen. I have never needed a man, but I'd like to love someone enough to need them because that has never happened to me. I want a best friend and everything." To add to that "I dont NEED a guy- my mom raised me to be happy on my own but I do really want a guy. I companion. Its how my parents are and I want that so bad. A friend, a companion. Its important to me."

Those are just some of the feelings that we shared today and I dont want them to go into the deep darkness of a memory- I want to be able to recall them at any point.

Another conversation that I had today that I wanted to share. It was between a friend and myself, he is a basketball player, from TN. So since UK is playing Vandy I asked if he was rooting for UK or Vandy. And he said: "I'd have to go with Vandy for their core academics and rigorous criteria for which they stress upon their student body.Not to mention its in TN."
It just made me smile and I thought it was clever. (Smartass!)

Promises

So I bought some Dove Caramal Milk Chocolate yesterday- half off thanks to it being the day after Valentine's Day. :) Anyway they are Dove Promises- the ones that have great little messages on the inside, and I really like some of hte messages, so I am going to share them here, on my blog.
Chocolate Always Lovs you Back.
Share a Sunset.
The Best Things in Life are Chocolate.
Make Someone Melt Today.
Listen with your heart.
Share a Secret.
Savor small romantic moments.
Be a little mysterious.
Linger over chocolate longer
Chocolate. Always your Valentine.
Sleep under the stars tonight.
Trust with your heart, not your head.
Believe in those you love.
Exercise your heart today.
Go where your heart takes you.
Hold hands firmly, hearts gently.
Remember your first crush.
Laugh until you heart overflows.

That song in my head

Its silly and I feel stupid, really. I mean its not even THAT worth it, hes just a boy, and Im just a girl and I shouldnt be so damn head over heels. He is taken, which makes it worse. I first saw him about a year ago and REALLY admired the way that he plays the game- he has a passion that I have NEVER seen before, and I have seen lots of displays of passion for the game. From there its just gotten worse. Not only is he a great player, but he also is a good student and majoring in the same thing as me. I even have a class with him this semester, which is awesome, well it would be if we talked at all. I am so freaking shy that its silly, almost comical even. I can now talk to him on facebook- GREAT, but talking to him in person still just doesnt happen, its not like I havent tried, I have even gotten up to walk over to where he was to say something, but words dont come out of my mouth, or he is talking on his phone- sometimes both. I need to find a better way to waste my time- but having said that, it doesnt happen, sure I study and thats good- and probably not a waste of my time, and I watch movies, and I watch basketball, and I hang out with my friends but still hes there in the back of my mind. SO FRUSTRATING. Why cant I fall for someone that I acutally have a chance with, someone who isnt taken- but perfect just the same? I guess because they are all taken. And how can I convince myself that I would do just fine if he was my friend? I mean lets be reasonable- thats all I am gonna be able to get out of this infactuation, but yet I still cant say real words to the boy.
I guess for now, I am allowed to get a high when he talks to me on facebook, and tells me that I am not nuts- fan is a better word! Or when he tells me that I am not bothering him with my question that I have about the homework. Yes, I guess for now I live for those moments.
Maybe I will find my REAL happy ending. Haha. :)

White Horse

(The title refers to Taylor Swift's new song, not an actual white horse)

So much runs through my head on a daily basis. Everything from clothes, to how my friends are doing- what struggles they might have on a given day (meaning tests and such), how my roomie is doing and what I can do to help her out- she has a broken wrist, what I need to get done in classes, how I can approach different situations, what will make me happy today, how Transy's basketball team is doing- and replays of certain games, to my family- what each individual in the family is doing and what I can do to make them happier- or at least feel supported. And then there are times throughout the day where my mind is just plain blank, maybe I am subconsciously thinking of many things but nothing is on the top of my mind. This happens quite a bit, its like I am thinking of everything and nothing all at the same time. Lastly there are the times where whatever I was just thinking of got totally erased from my brain- most recently this happens when a particular person makes eye contact with me, and its really frustrating. I want to have coherent thoughts, and even speak coherently- luckily I havent had to think much about my responses because said person (lets call him Clark) and I dont have many talking events. Oh well, thats a gist of what goes through my brain at a given time.

I am happier today than I have been in a while. I had a great time at home this past weekend, went to the circus for the first time ever in my life; I had a lot of family time- which was great. I love my family. I am even more worried about my neices now, and my brother. I think something is happening there, I dont think that my sister-in-law is around much, which isnt a good thing. You know, at least for me when you get married you want to be with someone that wants to spend time with you, and it doesnt have to be a lot of time, but I just dont see that with my brother. It seems that he is already a single father- but she just still lives there. I mean the girls have learned how to and actually do fix each others hair- sure thats fun for dress up time, but not to go out in public when the girls are 6 and 4 years old. Anyway, back to my being happier- I am not going to my sorority meeting tonight and I just want to JUMP for joy. I go in front of the standards board tomorrow to discuss my probation, and I think at the end of the semester I will go and ask for voluntary suspension- but one step at a time. And to top off my happy mood I heard from a friend that is halfway around the world- in Ethiopia. Its always nice to hear from him and his family, and I have gotten 2 emails in 2 months! Almost a record, haha. He isnt very good at the whole email/facebook thing. But its ok, because sporadic contact is MUCH better than no contact whatsoever.

There is one other thing that is contributing to the happy Jessie. Mom and I went and saw "Hes just not that into you" the other day and parts were dumb but the end message was virtually that everyone deserves to be happy, and sometimes being happy is just being able to be yourself- with or without a significant other. And then after that mom and I had a good discussion about love and such, and once we got home we pulled out moms old diaries which she is letting me read. They start when she was 10, then skip to when she turned 14 and are consecutive for about 10 years. Its really interesting reading what she had to say as a 11 and 14 year old (I havent gotten past those diaries yet) and how much I can relate to what she was feeling then, with what I feel now. No two people are the same, but it is nice to see similarities of our "obsessive" crushes so that I can see how she dealt with it, and maybe learn something from her- or rather her 14 year old self.

Lastly, to cover the title of this post. Taylor Swift's song White Horse talks about how life isnt a fairy tale and how she isnt a princess and ends basically by telling the "prince" that its too late for him and his white horse to save her now. Basically its a story about a girl who was waiting in prince charming, but he didnt show up in a timely manner, so she saved herself. I feel like I am getting to that point. I dont need a prince charming, I just need to believe in myself.

Love affair with Basketball

This is not a poem, but rather the story, or how I remember it of how I have come to my current love affair of the sport.

No matter what mood I am in, whether good or bad, happy or sad, basketball calms me down, brings me to a place where nothing else matters in that moment other than the game. The sound of the ball bouncing against the hardwood just penetrates my body and I get sucked into the game, or if its on TV, its the perfect backhground noise because it keeps me calm. And it isnt just the basketball hitting hardwood that is a good sound, I grew up with the noise of a basketball hitting all surfaces, the wall, the concrete, or just the floor, the sound the ball makes as someone catches a pass, or the sound of Chris' laughter as he tries to keep the ball away from Abbey. Its what I grew up with, what I know and its just soothing. For as long as I can remember I have been around the game, but I think my first memories come from when Jimmy and Chris were playing on the team called the Suns and Dad was their coach, I know this wasnt my first experience of basketball teams and indoor courts but thats the first memory. I remember basketball games between my parents and my brothers as the day was winding down during warm weather. I think those games happened maybe once a week. But SO funny, even my childish memory of the games was that everyone was having fun. I remember Chris getting hurt while playing a pick up game on our concrete court with his friend Joey. He sprained his ankle and because of my mom's work schedule with the doctor's schedule Chris and I spent a day or two in the basement of my kindergarden teacher's house watching TV. Then Chris and Jimmy were coaches for their brothers' team. This happened about the same time that I decided to try out ball for myself. They werent my official coaches though, but I did go to their practices so that I could learn more. So the 1 year that I played ball I had practice twice a week- Tuesdays and Fridays if I remember correctly and then I went to Jimmy and Chris' practices for their team on Wednesdays, I think. And of course I had my dad giving me pointers too. So I more or less had 4 coaches, and I was the tallest player on the team by like 8+ inches. We had a losing season and I was the leading scorer, but I didnt like having so many coaches, so I didnt sign up for another season. My next memories are of watching my brothers play with their friends on Thursday nights. And them playing in an adult league. Jimmy then started coaching for the middle school that I went to, he was just an assistant coach while I was there, but hes been head coach now for 5 or more years- I think. In high school I went to a catholic school freshman year, but I went to as many games for the public school (where I ended up) as I could. Even went to a tournament where both teams were playing, and ended up spending they day with my friends on the public school team. The coach even let me go with them on the bus to get food. Too bad I was supporting the catholic school, and not the public school. Even if I did get made fun of that day, it was a great way to spend time with some of the people that I can still call friends. Then Jimmy taught me how to do the official scorer's books for his middle school team. And I did that for 3 years. For extra practice I would do the books for his adult league as well, and had a good time with that. I like doing books better when I am not the official bookkeeper! But either way, its fun. So, during high school my basketball life consisted of me going to as many of my high school's games, as well as going to all of the games for the team that my brother coaches, and the games for the team that both brothers play for. I did books for the latter two, and was involved, though unofficially with the high school team, helping out during tournaments and such.
UK basketball has also always been a constant in my life. The first players that I really remember though are Keith Bogans and Gerald Fitch- I honestly loved those guys! HAHA. Keith was number 10 and Fitch 4. (Yup there goes my random number memory.) My family got season tickets to UK basketball when I was in high school (it was my idea to send all our names in for the lottery drawing), and my brothers split up the games between the three of us, and dad goes to ALMOST every game, there the occasional that he doesnt go to, but still. I got super obsessed with the UK program during high school.
Then comes college. I was really homesick my first year at Transy, going home every weekend and even sometimes during the week. And during basketball season, I got to see a fair amount of my brothers coaching outings as well as almost all of the games for the adult league, and then I discovered Transy's basketball team. I dont know what game was my first, but 1 was all it took and I was hooked. I went to as many of the rest of the games in the season that I could and I started counting down to the first game BEFORE we came back to Lexington from summer vacation. And I have been to all but 2 homes games, I missed 1 because I was out of the country and I missed the other because I couldnt get my plans set in time for the game. I even gave up my ticket to a UK game this year to go to a Transy game. I also started my own stats sheet, and I have been taking stats for the last 5-6 games. I keep track of field goals (missed and hit), 3 pointers, free throws, rebounds, assists, turnovers, blocks, steals, and fouls. I am not quite perfect at these yet, but I am getting better, and with helpful hints from basketball players/ my brother I am only going to get better! My next goal, is to keep a shot chart, something I havent ever attempted, we shall see. Jimmy says I cant do it all, but I can at least TRY it all! I may be crazy, but to me this is fun. :)

Self confidence

I think part of my problem in life is a lack of self-confidencs. Sure I get through life just fine but I am almost ALWAYS turning to people for direction, I still make my own decisions in the end but I really do depend on others, and after the past week I think I just dont have a true feeling of security/confidence in myself. I will start with the reasons that I think this statement is true, and then I might brainstorm some ways that this can be fixed. Here goes.
1. Yesterday, my brother was in Lexington so that we could go to a UK game together. I felt as if I talked way too much and annoyed him. Granted I talked mostly about basketball but I talked more about Transy's basketball than UK's basketball. And I tried to slow down, but I didnt feel as if it worked. So after he left, and had time to get home I apoligized for talking sooo much, and he said "I didnt think you talked too much, I am proud of you for all that you do, and especially your love of basketball." WOW was my intuition OFF. I mean GEEZ, I didnt annoy him one bit, no hes proud of me?! That was my wake-up call.
2. My mind keeps convincing me that the Transy basketball team would be weirded out by the fact that I do my own set of stats at every game that I attend. But last week after the game I talked to one of the players- after his mom introduced him to my roomie and myself, he has talked to us after every game, real sweet guy (name is Matt). Anyway he was talking how they always play a close game with Hanover, and I started talking about how in the first meeting of Hanover this year they lost by a last second (almost literally) foul and how the team made their 2 free throws and thats what messed us up last time. And then I apoligized for knowing and remembering the things about the game. He laughed and said "No, its fine. Its really cool that you are so dedicated." And that stuck with me, maybe they dont all think I am weird because I take stats. Maybe, just maybe they think its neat, how many fans, that arent related take stats, just for the heck of it? (I know some parents took stats for their kids, at least in high school. I honestly havent noticed if people do it for the Transy games, mostly because I sit FRONT ROW center!)
3. The last way I feel that I am more dependant that independant sometimes is because I am always asking for opinions about what I should do about things, granted I dont always listen to what the people say but I do feel as if I mmake my hard decisions with the help of my friends rather all on my own.
And now, for brainstorming- yay brainstorming.
I need to work at convincing myself that really, honestly, what I do is for me, and those who are weirded out by it wont talk to me but those who either think it is neat or dont care one way or another will still talk to me, and thats a GOOD thing. Its all about being yourself, and I have let loose since coming to Transy, letting people see the real me, but I still feel as if SOMETHING is being held back.
My intuition isnt always right, I mean look at how WRONG I was in reading my brother. Maybe its deep down that I feel that what I do SHOULD be weird so I perceive that it is weird where others think its neat.
And I think a big thing, is that I need to be smart about my decisions, sure its ok to get input from friends, but not for EVERY little decision. And things dont always have to be disected, meaning that every conversation that I have with the Saint, or anyone that Im attracted to doesnt need to be taken apart piece by piece. Sometimes its good to take things at face value and go with the flow.

I wrote the other day about what it would take to make me happy, and though I am still working on that, I did have a couple of happy days. We had a snow day and the ice/snow that made the snow day made me happy, even though I slipped and fell right on my butt and now have a pretty purple bruise. Wednesday we had NO classes, and I got to play in the snow/ice ALL day, with I couple of breaks to warm up. My knees are bruised from trying to run and slide, which turned into run and thwack! And snowball fights! One of my basketball player buddies came out and actually threw a snowball at me, it was funny, he was TOO far off but it made my day. Thursday was a good day too, the only thing that I had to do was my calculus test, which wasnt necessarily a fun thing, but it wasnt too terrible and Im definitely glad that it is over. And because of the weather the basketball game got moved from Wed. to Thursday, which for some reason really made me happy. And then after the basketball game got to talk to Matt a little and the Saint waved at me AND talked to me, it was thrilling, and I was on a high the rest of the night. Friday wasnt super exciting, but it was nice. My poor roomie hurt herself on Friday, falling and possibly breaking her wrist, and then she took her pain meds on an empty stomach, which made her high, and very HAPPY! And I got to talk to the Saint a little, its getting easier and easier, which is nice. We have little 5 minute conversations here and there, which is all it takes to keep me happy. LOL. Maybe we can be friends afterall, hopefully. Yesterday was nice because I got to see my brother. I cant even tell you how much I miss my family. Dont get me wrong I absolutely LOVE Transy and Lexington and think that this was the right decision for me, but that doesnt mean that its less hard for me to stay away for extended periods of time.
So I guess thats about it. Im learning to value my own judgement, not to take things so seriously and living one day at a time, for all its worth.

What will it take?

A "sister" asked me tonight "What would it take to make you happy?" my answer? I dont know. Honest. But I can tell you some things that would bring me out of the tetering depression that I currently have. Time away from the sorority. (We had another membership selection tonight and for the nth time in a row, I thought to myself, I really REALLY dont want to be here.) Knowing that my brothers and neices/nephews and the rest of my family was happy. Stressed, maybe, but happy with their overall lives, and I just dont know if that will happen for one of them. Gosh I hope it does because my family, and my brothers especially deserve the best. Spending some actual, quality time with my family would also be nice. The hard part about that is that I am in Lexington- and over my homesickness, and so I dont have the opportunities to see everyone that I had before, and thats hard. I miss my parents, my grandma's cooking and life advice, and watching my brothers play basketball, not to mention the laughs that I always get from hanging out with the little ones of the family. And animals- it is REALLY REALLY hard for someone like me, who has grown up with LOTS of animals ALL her life, its hard to be animal-less for any period of time. So seeing and being able to be with animals would be great.
For me its the little things that bring a smile to my face, thats the easy part, now I have to find a way to keep that smile on the inside as well as the outside.

Disappointment

No, I am not a disappointment, other than the occasional times that my parents tell me that they are disappointed in me I never feel like a disappointment. No, I am disappointed in sorority life. I wrote on this a little earlier in the school year but heres another round.
I like most of the people who are in my sorority, they are good people, and I am glad that I have gotten to know them. But as it is SO often pointed out, sorority life isnt just about the people. There are politics and judgements that happen that people may or may not know about. My "sisters" talk about the good things of ritual, and how they are "proud to be our sister" but I just cant get those warm-fuzzies. I am trying to understand, trying to stick with it but I dont have that much more in me. Sure, everyone is entitled to their own personal judgements, but I dont like the fact that a negative judgement from a select group of people can serve as "THE" judgement from the body as a whole. I just cant get on board with that.
I go to every required meeting, I do all the things necessary but I just cant get more involved, because this sorority is literally sucking the life out of me. We have meetings every Monday, and I am probably a bitch to anyone who comes around me leading up to the meetings, and then after just about every meeting I just want to cry.
I am not going to just give up, and play dead. No, I will stick with my decision of being a part of this sorority until April, mostly because I have paid my dues through April. But once April rolls around I will not harbor any hard feelings toward the organization, but rather we will just go our separate ways.

For all of those who read this that are torn in regards to sorority life, here is what I have to say: sororities are great social aspects of campus, whether its a big campus or a small campus, but if you have reservations going in, think about why you are concerned and maybe talk to others that are actually initiated members. Granted they may not want to answer your questions but dont take the "its just so great to have so many friends that I can call on at any time" aspect for a real answer, because the thruth of the matter is that those people may not always be there for you, and sometimes the hardest decisions in life, or the hardest falls that we face, are things that we have to get through as individuals. There are times in our lives that we have to take responsibility for who we are and what we stand for and we cannot let an organization mold us into something that we arent. All in all, its important to be an individual, its important to listen to what you brain and your heart has to say, and most of all its important to not get caught up in all the emotions of a moment to make a decision that may affect the rest of your life.

Feel Like Something is Missing.

Its not a bad thing, and its something I have talked about probably ad naudium (I think thats the right word) recently. I just feel like theres something missing in my life, yes my family is great, and so are my friends, and basketball comes close to filling the void but its still not enough. And yes I am shy AT FIRST, but get me talking and I wont shut up, I worry that some of my newfound basketball friends might get kind of "WHOA, I dont want to talk to you so much" occasionally but thus far they keep talking to me, or at least most of them do. The one that I want to talk to the most, almost like a desperation, its like pulling tooth and nail with him just to get him to say 1 word. Its so frustrating. On the other hand I am making fast friends with the other guys, and that warms my heart and soul! :) Still even if there is no future with me and the Saint it would at least be nice to be friends with him, I am beginning to wonder if he is also a shy person. I mean it kinda fits. Anyway, all I can do right now is just keep trying, I mean if he gets tired of it he can always tell me to shut up! But it means that he will have to talk to me.

Other than that I just have to keep on keeping on, and things will fall into place. My friend Victoria is starting an archery club here at school and is nominating me as vice president, which I find SO exciting! I havent gotten to shoot in a while and people on campus seem pretty up to the idea, most importantly my friends and some of the basketball players, which I find perfect, just perfect. :)

Ah, well then, another rant about my life is done!

Quiet Snowfall

Just looked out the window and theres some pretty snow out there, and its still coming down. I love the way that snow mutes everything else. My roomie has gone to spend the night with her mom at the Hyatt and Im enjoying the quiet but also I kinda feel lonely. I dont think I will be one to live by myself, I like human contact too much! Anyway, Ive talked to my mom and a friend and just had time to think about things in general.
I feel that if you have a mostly good life, you dont think about the things that are going well, no, at least for me I just keep picking up on the part of my life that dont seem just peachy. And the top thing on the list is the whole boyfriend issue, I feel as if I think about this and talk about this a lot. But its ok, I really am ok with being by myself, at least for now, because honestly do I have enough time for a guy in my life? I dont really think so, I mean I have 4 classes to keep up with and then there are the basketball games! haha. Ah, anyway this is just me saying that Im ready for it to happen, and when it happens Ill be happy. And until then I will focus on calculus! Anyway, goodnight and happy snow.