I dont know how my brothers and their wives really see me, but I feel like I will forever be like 5 or maybe 10 years old in their minds. And, for a long time, I think I catered to that. But now that I am 22 years old, I want to be seen as an adult. I know that I will always be the kid sister, but theres more to me than that. I am not one dimensional, not even 2-D. Just as there are many pieces to me that I dont think guys who I am interested in see, there are also many parts that my brothers dont see, whether that is by choice or not, I dont know.
I was kind of dreading this family vacation, and I have been pleasantly surprised. Thats not saying its perfect, there are still a few things that I would like to change, but maybe just maybe I am on the right path.
Its funny, I was idly talking tonight, and I dont know if anyone heard me, and thats ok, but what I said was that I look forward to the next family vacation, in say 2 years. Because, unless something goes totally awry, I wont have kids, and I may be independent enough to really be the cool aunt. See, I think the kids like hanging out with me because 1. they know I will keep them safe and 2. I dont have to make sure someone is on their best behavior... I can treat every kid equally.
Speaking of the next family vacation... I dont know where I will be in life, whether I will have a significant, or even insignificant other, but I do know, that I think I have found this place in my family where even in this transitory time that I find myself in, family is what truly matters. And getting to spend a week with my family, that is priceless.
Also, speaking of significant or insignificant others. I just finished a book, and yes its fiction, but that wont keep me from drawing parallels from my life. But basically the main character has fallen in love with a fallen angel, and its reeking all kinds of havoc on heaven and hell... and god knows that doesnt fit in my life, but what I am drawn to is this relationship that the girl has with the angel she has fallen for... She feels so deeply for him and yet he often leaves her with unanswered questions. With this passion, but at the same time deep questioning, of is this really true love, is this all I get, because if so, its depressing. And I may not have found my true love, if one is even out there for me, but there is this person in my life for whom I care deeply about and yet anytime I talk with him, I am left with more unanswered, burning questions. I mean seriously dude? Isn't passion supposed to be something that you dont really have to think that much about? Cant you rush head first blindly into something as crazy as love? Ok, so that makes me sound a little crazy, but I feel a little crazy. All I wanna do is talk, I'd love to tease out your feelings for me because I just feel like I am in limbo. I cant move forward because you havent figured out how you feel about me and I cant just shut you out, because well, I am not willing to shut the door I guess. So I sit here, in your grasp, waiting for you to decide, and yet you dont.
I get told over and over what I should feel for you and how others see you, but they arent me and I am not them. Call me stupid, but I believe in you, anything you want to do, go for it. But if you really cant see me there as a serious contender in your future, let me know now. Thats all I really want. My mom said something to me while we were in Maine and its kind of stuck with me and basically she was saying: If you know that you arent going to end up with a person, then let them go, its unfair to keep stringing them along. So, J, I guess what I am asking from you now is that, if you know that you dont want a relationship with me, not now, not ever, just tell me. I am really good at hearing the brutal truth. But please, seriously, since you cant give me a definition, at least give my possible definition some thought. Please, help me move out of this purgatory limbo that you've put me in!
And if you decide to keep me in your life here are some things to know- and if they arent useful for you, maybe they will be useful for someone in the future:
1. I love hearing from you every day. I dont even care if its a simple hey, or even just a goodnight.
2. I love getting goodnight texts.
3. I am not a big on the phone talker, but I do like for it to happen now and then. However, because I have this a. fear of phones and b. calling someone during something important, its likely that I probably wont ever call you, but rather wait on you to call me.
4. I want to see you more, physically, in person. Invite me over, or ask to come to my place, but then follow through. I'm not asking for something crazy big like a big dinner or some elaborate plans... no, I'd settle for a nice walk and just some time to talk.
5. I am not likely to bring up the tough stuff in face-to-face conversation, it scares the shit out of me, but I will answer honestly and to my best ability. Although, I will probably try to throw some bad humor in the mix so it doesnt seem so awkward.
I guess, its about bedtime for me.
Goodnight world.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Monday, July 04, 2011
Baby, you're a firework....
Happy Fourth of July, friends!
Here I am, on family vacation with 11 of the people who are closest to me.
My nieces and nephews think Im the cool one, because I dont seriously discipline them- I'm not someones mommy, so I dont get seriously mad... I do minimal disciplining. This makes me the cool one. And I am the funnest in the water- I dont know what makes me different than their parents, but I am. Maybe because I just let them hang all over me and I dont try to get them to try new things that scare them. I just chill out there with them and do my damnedest to keep them from going under. I am hoping that on the next family vacation, I am still the favorite and that they all choose to like ride in the car with me... thats what I would love, but, they are kids, they get to decide what they want to do.
The eldest has been bent out of shape a fair amount during this trip- poor kid. I think she just wants more individual attention, and specifically because shes oldest. But, thats not really my call...
I sit here, watching fireworks by myself, and I am oddly content. This family vacation has been different than the others. I dont know if its that I have a buddy to hang out with, whether I've just grown up or what. Yet, even though things change, there are still some things that will stay the same. I will always be the youngest, and my brothers will always be able to scare me. But there will always be the times that I dont fit, I like to read and my family, besides my mom doesnt, not only that they cannot fathom why we like to read.
And, I have far deeper country roots than either of my brothers, which is just sad to me. But I guess such is life.
I still dont know what my role in this family is, but I am the youngest child and so I mostly go along with what everyone else wants to do. Maybe, one of these days I'll get tired of just doing whatever and decide to stand up for myself. But I spend far too much looking into the future, and not enough in the present.
I guess what I am wanting to say, but cant quite get out has more to do with Katy Perry, and the whole message that she sends in her song Firework, which I am sure most people have heard. And thus maybe, someday eventually I will stop feeling like a plastic bag floating in the wind and ignite my light and let it shine.
I just want to be with someone who will deal with the fireworks that I will bring into life! haha!
Here I am, on family vacation with 11 of the people who are closest to me.
My nieces and nephews think Im the cool one, because I dont seriously discipline them- I'm not someones mommy, so I dont get seriously mad... I do minimal disciplining. This makes me the cool one. And I am the funnest in the water- I dont know what makes me different than their parents, but I am. Maybe because I just let them hang all over me and I dont try to get them to try new things that scare them. I just chill out there with them and do my damnedest to keep them from going under. I am hoping that on the next family vacation, I am still the favorite and that they all choose to like ride in the car with me... thats what I would love, but, they are kids, they get to decide what they want to do.
The eldest has been bent out of shape a fair amount during this trip- poor kid. I think she just wants more individual attention, and specifically because shes oldest. But, thats not really my call...
I sit here, watching fireworks by myself, and I am oddly content. This family vacation has been different than the others. I dont know if its that I have a buddy to hang out with, whether I've just grown up or what. Yet, even though things change, there are still some things that will stay the same. I will always be the youngest, and my brothers will always be able to scare me. But there will always be the times that I dont fit, I like to read and my family, besides my mom doesnt, not only that they cannot fathom why we like to read.
And, I have far deeper country roots than either of my brothers, which is just sad to me. But I guess such is life.
I still dont know what my role in this family is, but I am the youngest child and so I mostly go along with what everyone else wants to do. Maybe, one of these days I'll get tired of just doing whatever and decide to stand up for myself. But I spend far too much looking into the future, and not enough in the present.
I guess what I am wanting to say, but cant quite get out has more to do with Katy Perry, and the whole message that she sends in her song Firework, which I am sure most people have heard. And thus maybe, someday eventually I will stop feeling like a plastic bag floating in the wind and ignite my light and let it shine.
I just want to be with someone who will deal with the fireworks that I will bring into life! haha!
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Chillin on a dirt road
By Jason Aldean.
One of the lines is "memory lane up in the headlights" and I've been taking jaunts down memory lane,
My life doesnt seem all that exciting to me, dont get me wrong I certainly enjoy it, mostly. And I know that I have gotten to do more things probably than a lot of people my age, but at the same time there is nothing to seriously set me out of the crowd. Deep down, I dont know if I like that or if I think its a problem. But maybe, it just is, plain and simple, it is who I am.
In trying to define myself, I find definitions come from very interesting places. So, humor me if you will, and maybe you will find some humor in my life.
~When I am with my family I feel like I fall in the seriously awkward phase of still being the baby of the family, but I am really an adult. So I feel that my brothers still see me stuck at maybe 10, yet my nieces and nephews see me as an adult, maybe even a role model. It is only with my parents that I feel my correct age.
~I dont mind sharing my bed, in fact I am fairly liberal at sharing a mattress, just dont try anything goofy.~ lol. In fact there was a time where in the course of 6 months I had 4 bed mates of the opposite sex. And yet, nothing ever happened, didnt even kiss one of them.
~I find extreme happiness in the country way of life, and love to be in and around it, but I also value education.
~I tend to be very opinionated. However, I dont always share my opinions. I like to keep the peace and dont want to put people out, but at the same time, deep down, I want everyone to do the right thing, the respectful thing.
~ I know real life may not give me my fairytale ending, but I still want it.
And now there are small children running around... time to put the laptop up!
One of the lines is "memory lane up in the headlights" and I've been taking jaunts down memory lane,
My life doesnt seem all that exciting to me, dont get me wrong I certainly enjoy it, mostly. And I know that I have gotten to do more things probably than a lot of people my age, but at the same time there is nothing to seriously set me out of the crowd. Deep down, I dont know if I like that or if I think its a problem. But maybe, it just is, plain and simple, it is who I am.
In trying to define myself, I find definitions come from very interesting places. So, humor me if you will, and maybe you will find some humor in my life.
~When I am with my family I feel like I fall in the seriously awkward phase of still being the baby of the family, but I am really an adult. So I feel that my brothers still see me stuck at maybe 10, yet my nieces and nephews see me as an adult, maybe even a role model. It is only with my parents that I feel my correct age.
~I dont mind sharing my bed, in fact I am fairly liberal at sharing a mattress, just dont try anything goofy.~ lol. In fact there was a time where in the course of 6 months I had 4 bed mates of the opposite sex. And yet, nothing ever happened, didnt even kiss one of them.
~I find extreme happiness in the country way of life, and love to be in and around it, but I also value education.
~I tend to be very opinionated. However, I dont always share my opinions. I like to keep the peace and dont want to put people out, but at the same time, deep down, I want everyone to do the right thing, the respectful thing.
~ I know real life may not give me my fairytale ending, but I still want it.
And now there are small children running around... time to put the laptop up!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
One is one too many, one more is never enough.
From "You and Tequila" by Kenny Chesney with Grace Potter
The boy reads the blog. And just when I thought that nothing would surprise me. I am impressed, flabbergasted, and yet somehow, not surprised at all.
I dont know whether to feel completely embarrassed, because I never in 1000 years thought he would read this, and thus probably 90 percent of my posts have been about him. Or elated because he does read what I have to say. Regardless, I hope that I dont change my brutally honest glimpse into my world see what I am feeling take on this blog.
I am like a yo-yo, and this is my outlet. So time to smile, face the facts, and go with your gut. Its not a life or death situation, the only things involved are my heart, and maybe something of yours.... I dont know. I may be an optimist, but I am not THAT optimistic! :)
I am a work in process- or as an accountant would say WIP- and I am not perfect. But you know, neither is life, its messy and none of us get out alive.
This one is for you love, take your time, figure things out, but let me do what I do best, and that is yo-yo.
The boy reads the blog. And just when I thought that nothing would surprise me. I am impressed, flabbergasted, and yet somehow, not surprised at all.
I dont know whether to feel completely embarrassed, because I never in 1000 years thought he would read this, and thus probably 90 percent of my posts have been about him. Or elated because he does read what I have to say. Regardless, I hope that I dont change my brutally honest glimpse into my world see what I am feeling take on this blog.
I am like a yo-yo, and this is my outlet. So time to smile, face the facts, and go with your gut. Its not a life or death situation, the only things involved are my heart, and maybe something of yours.... I dont know. I may be an optimist, but I am not THAT optimistic! :)
I am a work in process- or as an accountant would say WIP- and I am not perfect. But you know, neither is life, its messy and none of us get out alive.
This one is for you love, take your time, figure things out, but let me do what I do best, and that is yo-yo.
Sunday, June 26, 2011
What the hell am I doing?
I feel like I am in a holding pattern.
I have graduated from college and have my whole life in front of me, exciting, right?
Sure, but also scary as hell. What am I going to do with the rest of my life, and forget that, what am I going to do with my summer, and forget that, what am I going to do about a job?!
I have graduated from college and have my whole life in front of me, exciting, right?
Sure, but also scary as hell. What am I going to do with the rest of my life, and forget that, what am I going to do with my summer, and forget that, what am I going to do about a job?!
We're like fire and gasoline.
Its from Tomorrow, by Chris Young.
It was 2 years 3 months and 4 days, but I think I've finally given up.
Does it mean that I dont long for you to change my mind? Nope, I wish that you would show up sweep me off my feet and the two of us could run off together for a bit. But the rational side of me knows it wont happen.
Also, I have learned that shutting you out does nothing. If you decide to kick me out of your life, thats fine, but I will still be around. I will still answer your texts, I will still be your friend, and yes my heart will probably jump any time that I see your name on a phone or on facebook or whatever, but I will be there if you need me. However, the moment you start flirting I have the right to start ignoring what you say.
Also, you may feel this is coming way out of left field. But we kissed, 4 weeks ago... and then little flirtatious things, but you never followed through. And that means that my brain had a lot of time to do a lot of thinking. Probably overthinking but you never tried to stop it... so here we go... well really, there you go.
My explanation is that though I would love to spend time with you, see where it leads, it seems you do not feel that way. I wish you the best, J, really. :)
One of the things that I have been seriously thinking about lately is that when someone wants you in their life, they dont make excuses, they find a way to see you, you are important enough that they would do as much as they could for you. Well buddy, you always find excuses. I have always clung to you, but maybe, just maybe its time to find something else to cling to...
It was 2 years 3 months and 4 days, but I think I've finally given up.
Does it mean that I dont long for you to change my mind? Nope, I wish that you would show up sweep me off my feet and the two of us could run off together for a bit. But the rational side of me knows it wont happen.
Also, I have learned that shutting you out does nothing. If you decide to kick me out of your life, thats fine, but I will still be around. I will still answer your texts, I will still be your friend, and yes my heart will probably jump any time that I see your name on a phone or on facebook or whatever, but I will be there if you need me. However, the moment you start flirting I have the right to start ignoring what you say.
Also, you may feel this is coming way out of left field. But we kissed, 4 weeks ago... and then little flirtatious things, but you never followed through. And that means that my brain had a lot of time to do a lot of thinking. Probably overthinking but you never tried to stop it... so here we go... well really, there you go.
My explanation is that though I would love to spend time with you, see where it leads, it seems you do not feel that way. I wish you the best, J, really. :)
One of the things that I have been seriously thinking about lately is that when someone wants you in their life, they dont make excuses, they find a way to see you, you are important enough that they would do as much as they could for you. Well buddy, you always find excuses. I have always clung to you, but maybe, just maybe its time to find something else to cling to...
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Give and take, push and pull, right and wrong
I know no one likes him, except for me.
I know that everyone thinks hes using me.
I know that hes probably not the person that I will marry.
I know these things... and yet I am on a seesaw... push and pull.
I am ready to ride this thing out, once and for all.
Yet, it seems the ride isnt quite over. But things have changed. I dont want a real relationship with him anymore. I deserve better than what he has to offer, really. Do I have feelings for him still? Yea, of course I do, I've felt very strongly about him for roughly 2 years. Will I write him out of my life? Nope. Does knowing that I dont want a real relationship mean that I wont accept opportunities? Nope.
The only thing this means is that I know now that sometimes one has to be selfish- especially when you are talking about a significant other. Having fun with this guy? Yea, no problem. Settling down with him? Hell no!
So far hes the only fish in the sea biting. But its time to reel the line back in, resecure the bait and cast out my line again.
I want to find someone who will want me every day, someone who can go a day without talking to me but would rather not. As Blake Shelton sings it, I want to be the Honeysuckle to some guy's honey bee. (The song is Honey Bee if you wanna listen to it.)
I know that everyone thinks hes using me.
I know that hes probably not the person that I will marry.
I know these things... and yet I am on a seesaw... push and pull.
I am ready to ride this thing out, once and for all.
Yet, it seems the ride isnt quite over. But things have changed. I dont want a real relationship with him anymore. I deserve better than what he has to offer, really. Do I have feelings for him still? Yea, of course I do, I've felt very strongly about him for roughly 2 years. Will I write him out of my life? Nope. Does knowing that I dont want a real relationship mean that I wont accept opportunities? Nope.
The only thing this means is that I know now that sometimes one has to be selfish- especially when you are talking about a significant other. Having fun with this guy? Yea, no problem. Settling down with him? Hell no!
So far hes the only fish in the sea biting. But its time to reel the line back in, resecure the bait and cast out my line again.
I want to find someone who will want me every day, someone who can go a day without talking to me but would rather not. As Blake Shelton sings it, I want to be the Honeysuckle to some guy's honey bee. (The song is Honey Bee if you wanna listen to it.)
Monday, June 13, 2011
Its not fun anymore
That was my promise to myself, that this relationship got to happen as long as I was having fun.
I started to expect things, you know, I expected us to get closer.
Things changed, and I dont know if they were good or bad, they were different than the things that have happened before. I mean that is the whole point, right? The balance was off though, and I find balance to be important. He was definitely not putting as much into this as I was. And so it became time to back off.
And then I got insecure. "But we keep coming back to one another", uh huh, yep, and?...
That took some time to get through, I had one friend say basically: "yea, it happens, maybe theres something in the cosmos" another one said "maybe its your neediness and he has a lasso that keeps you tied together" and yet another friend said "that happened to me, and I get it, you just have to let it play out"...
This is me letting it play out. If I was him having to deal with me, I am not sure that if I DIDNT have feelings for the clingy person that I become, I would stick around. In other words, I realize that I get a little crazy, I overthink things, and he always talks me through it... so I am thinking WHY put up with me if you dont have any feelings for me. Seriously, is it just an ego thing, as some people think? I couldnt imagine, couldnt imagine putting up with someone like that just to boost an ego.
Then, the other thing that is swimming in my head is that there is a saying that you are supposed to let someone go, so that you know if they were yours or not... but I have decided that that doesnt really work... at all. Because, what if both parties decide individually to let the other one go, to back off and wait for them to make the first move. If both parties of a relationship desperately liked another, but somehow had it in their mind that the other didnt like them and they let each other go... talk about opportunities wasted. Im not saying thats whats happening here, in the case of me and J, but its just a curious thing.
There's another idea out in the world: basically, the idea that if you want to be with someone, you will make it happen, no excuses, no weather, no nothing could keep you apart. This is a new motto, so to speak, rather an old motto that I am readopting! If he wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen, I have given every opportunity, I have hit on him and alas, nothing. lol.
Since this time has been different, why not keep it different! I wont demand that we not have any contact (even though when I did that, I wanted nothing more than for him to contact me). I wont ignore him- I never have. But its time for me to step back, he can and will contact me if or when he wants.
I will end with some quotes that have struck a chord with me, whether it amuses me or simply makes me thoughtful...
"Sometimes the best way to get someones attention is to stop giving them yours"
"Flirtationship; more than a friendship less than a relationship"
"Don't back down just to keep the peace. Standing up for your beliefs builds self-confidence and self-esteem"
I may working to move on with whatever is next, but that doesnt mean that I have forgotten how it felt to be in his arms that night. Yea, thats a feeling I am not likely to forget anytime soon. Also, a feeling that I dont WANT to forget, because those moments, that night, it was all perfect. And hopefully I get other moments of perfection... :)
I started to expect things, you know, I expected us to get closer.
Things changed, and I dont know if they were good or bad, they were different than the things that have happened before. I mean that is the whole point, right? The balance was off though, and I find balance to be important. He was definitely not putting as much into this as I was. And so it became time to back off.
And then I got insecure. "But we keep coming back to one another", uh huh, yep, and?...
That took some time to get through, I had one friend say basically: "yea, it happens, maybe theres something in the cosmos" another one said "maybe its your neediness and he has a lasso that keeps you tied together" and yet another friend said "that happened to me, and I get it, you just have to let it play out"...
This is me letting it play out. If I was him having to deal with me, I am not sure that if I DIDNT have feelings for the clingy person that I become, I would stick around. In other words, I realize that I get a little crazy, I overthink things, and he always talks me through it... so I am thinking WHY put up with me if you dont have any feelings for me. Seriously, is it just an ego thing, as some people think? I couldnt imagine, couldnt imagine putting up with someone like that just to boost an ego.
Then, the other thing that is swimming in my head is that there is a saying that you are supposed to let someone go, so that you know if they were yours or not... but I have decided that that doesnt really work... at all. Because, what if both parties decide individually to let the other one go, to back off and wait for them to make the first move. If both parties of a relationship desperately liked another, but somehow had it in their mind that the other didnt like them and they let each other go... talk about opportunities wasted. Im not saying thats whats happening here, in the case of me and J, but its just a curious thing.
There's another idea out in the world: basically, the idea that if you want to be with someone, you will make it happen, no excuses, no weather, no nothing could keep you apart. This is a new motto, so to speak, rather an old motto that I am readopting! If he wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen, I have given every opportunity, I have hit on him and alas, nothing. lol.
Since this time has been different, why not keep it different! I wont demand that we not have any contact (even though when I did that, I wanted nothing more than for him to contact me). I wont ignore him- I never have. But its time for me to step back, he can and will contact me if or when he wants.
I will end with some quotes that have struck a chord with me, whether it amuses me or simply makes me thoughtful...
"Sometimes the best way to get someones attention is to stop giving them yours"
"Flirtationship; more than a friendship less than a relationship"
"Don't back down just to keep the peace. Standing up for your beliefs builds self-confidence and self-esteem"
I may working to move on with whatever is next, but that doesnt mean that I have forgotten how it felt to be in his arms that night. Yea, thats a feeling I am not likely to forget anytime soon. Also, a feeling that I dont WANT to forget, because those moments, that night, it was all perfect. And hopefully I get other moments of perfection... :)
Saturday, June 04, 2011
Barn Muckin
My first week home and I've found myself completely immersed in the country life, and loving it.
For years my mom wanted me to go outside and do outside things, and finally thats exactly what I want to do. I dont know what changed, but I am so thankful for the horses, the barn the muck and the country air, not to mention the wonderful night sky and beautiful sunsets, like the one that I'm looking at now.
Lately, I've been longing to be in the barn... not to be with the animals per say but thats a plus too. No, I've felt the longing of cleaning the barn, muckin out the stalls, gettin dirty... you know doing the thing that was used as a punishment for me growing up (or at least the threat of a punishment).
I cant tell you why I find myself down there getting dirty cleaning the stalls, but I'm finding it healing in some ways- though I cant tell you what I am healing from.
Its peaceful. I find that often in my life I just carried on without really doing much, and maybe thats just it, I am trying to be proactive. The stalls wont clean themselves, no, its not necessarily fun to be sweating like a pig in the middle of a KY summer day mucking out the barn, but the satisfaction that I am getting doing this, oh my goodness, its good for the soul.
Also, I've watched my dad face his ailments this week and it saddens me that he get sick and almost cant function, its not good, and I dont know if there is a way for it to change, but I know that I can do many things to keep from being debilitated by ailments. Part of it is attitude.
When dad had his heartattack he was told that he couldnt ever ride roller coasters and one of my favorite memories pre-heart attack was the joy that he got from riding roller coasters with my brother while we were in Florida. My other brother and I were scared of roller coasters and so we just watched them. So, when dad had his heart attack I realized that I would never see that particular joy from him. That I had lost my chance to share that joy with him, but it didnt mean that I had to loose that joy all together. I told myself that from then on out, I was going to ride roller coasters, that I would face that fear, because it was something that my dad could no longer do.
I think the barn muckin is along the same lines. I have legs, youth and just overall a body that works. Why wouldnt I use that body for the good of the family? Why have I wasted my body my whole life? Now, I know that is a little overkill that I havent exactly wasted my body for my whole life, but I understand now, sometimes doing something because you can is wonderful.
I think another aspect to the whole barn cleaning is that its physical, manual labor. I have decided, loosely decided, that people should spend at least 1 summer doing physical manual labor. Funny thing though is that I am too worried about what the outcome would be if I said this out loud... So I am creating my own physical manual outdoor labor. Taking it one day at a time, but I hope that by doing this my body firms up and that my soul grows.
I have realized that I have chosen a career that is NOT manual labor intensive, and suddenly that scares me. I dont want to be stuck at a desk for the rest of my life.
I guess the bottom line is that I have decided that mucking out stalls is in some ways my summer project, and so far, I think its therapeutic. Its getting me outside, doing actual labor and I am getting to spend time with the animals. Who knew that I was such a country girl after all? Or that it would take going to college in the city to bring out the country heart.
For years my mom wanted me to go outside and do outside things, and finally thats exactly what I want to do. I dont know what changed, but I am so thankful for the horses, the barn the muck and the country air, not to mention the wonderful night sky and beautiful sunsets, like the one that I'm looking at now.
Lately, I've been longing to be in the barn... not to be with the animals per say but thats a plus too. No, I've felt the longing of cleaning the barn, muckin out the stalls, gettin dirty... you know doing the thing that was used as a punishment for me growing up (or at least the threat of a punishment).
I cant tell you why I find myself down there getting dirty cleaning the stalls, but I'm finding it healing in some ways- though I cant tell you what I am healing from.
Its peaceful. I find that often in my life I just carried on without really doing much, and maybe thats just it, I am trying to be proactive. The stalls wont clean themselves, no, its not necessarily fun to be sweating like a pig in the middle of a KY summer day mucking out the barn, but the satisfaction that I am getting doing this, oh my goodness, its good for the soul.
Also, I've watched my dad face his ailments this week and it saddens me that he get sick and almost cant function, its not good, and I dont know if there is a way for it to change, but I know that I can do many things to keep from being debilitated by ailments. Part of it is attitude.
When dad had his heartattack he was told that he couldnt ever ride roller coasters and one of my favorite memories pre-heart attack was the joy that he got from riding roller coasters with my brother while we were in Florida. My other brother and I were scared of roller coasters and so we just watched them. So, when dad had his heart attack I realized that I would never see that particular joy from him. That I had lost my chance to share that joy with him, but it didnt mean that I had to loose that joy all together. I told myself that from then on out, I was going to ride roller coasters, that I would face that fear, because it was something that my dad could no longer do.
I think the barn muckin is along the same lines. I have legs, youth and just overall a body that works. Why wouldnt I use that body for the good of the family? Why have I wasted my body my whole life? Now, I know that is a little overkill that I havent exactly wasted my body for my whole life, but I understand now, sometimes doing something because you can is wonderful.
I think another aspect to the whole barn cleaning is that its physical, manual labor. I have decided, loosely decided, that people should spend at least 1 summer doing physical manual labor. Funny thing though is that I am too worried about what the outcome would be if I said this out loud... So I am creating my own physical manual outdoor labor. Taking it one day at a time, but I hope that by doing this my body firms up and that my soul grows.
I have realized that I have chosen a career that is NOT manual labor intensive, and suddenly that scares me. I dont want to be stuck at a desk for the rest of my life.
I guess the bottom line is that I have decided that mucking out stalls is in some ways my summer project, and so far, I think its therapeutic. Its getting me outside, doing actual labor and I am getting to spend time with the animals. Who knew that I was such a country girl after all? Or that it would take going to college in the city to bring out the country heart.
Friday, June 03, 2011
Changes
I decided to go back and see if things were really different between October and now. I guess I wanted to make sure that I wasnt kidding myself, I wanted to reassure myself. And things are, maybe not things exactly, but me, I am different, and that is easy to see between the posts of then and now.
I'm not saying that I am completely different, but I think that I am more comfortable in my own skin now. In October I wanted nothing more than to be his woman, for him to be my man, for us to be together and to define every little piece of our relationship. I wanted to talk through things before they happened, I didnt want to lose control, but most importantly I didnt want to give up myself to someone who may or may not care about me. As for now, I think I am slightly more laid back. I think I come off as crazy a lot of the time and he takes it, he listens, he makes fun of me, but hes a steady presence. Silly, right, because I complained about that before.
Haha, hes like a brick wall, and always has been. A steady, strong person, who when I run at him with all the force in the world he just absorbs the shock, doesnt say anything. Which, back in October, I thought was him running away... now I am not pardoning him completely, he COULD have talked to me, we COULD have worked things out, but it wasnt the right time then. I needed to learn some things first, like when I run at a brick wall like that, I am going to fall on my face, but when I walk up to the wall, explain where I am coming from, it will hold me up. It doesnt have all the answers and neither do I, but maybe we can find answers together.
The other night, I was obsessing about the kiss, I couldnt call my best friend, so I texted him. He listened to me, and he gave me feedback- not the things that I necessarily wanted to hear, but enough for me to get through the block on my own, for a little bit longer anyway.
This time around I feel like I'm looking more at the short term, a kiss doesnt lead to marriage. lol. A kiss is just a kiss. We like it, we move on. I've moved home, I dont know if or when I will see him again, I would like to, but if I dont I dont. I feel my innocence as a weight to bear, baggage, heavy baggage, why would anyone want to deal with someone as pure as me- silly right? But I live with it, I deal with it and with any luck I will find someone eventually who will love me as I am.
Everyone still tells me that hes not the one for me, his actions dont prove his worth. I buy that, I understand and respect that, but- and I may be like 6 years late- but I want my fling! lol. Let me throw caution to the wind, let me be dumb, stupid and put my heart on my sleeve. Let me experience something new, because we all know that the old thing was not working so well for me. What if, what if this new outlook on live life and etc will lead to something more... and who knows I might find my knight in shining armor- or at least one in tin foil, hopefully! :)
I'm not saying that I am completely different, but I think that I am more comfortable in my own skin now. In October I wanted nothing more than to be his woman, for him to be my man, for us to be together and to define every little piece of our relationship. I wanted to talk through things before they happened, I didnt want to lose control, but most importantly I didnt want to give up myself to someone who may or may not care about me. As for now, I think I am slightly more laid back. I think I come off as crazy a lot of the time and he takes it, he listens, he makes fun of me, but hes a steady presence. Silly, right, because I complained about that before.
Haha, hes like a brick wall, and always has been. A steady, strong person, who when I run at him with all the force in the world he just absorbs the shock, doesnt say anything. Which, back in October, I thought was him running away... now I am not pardoning him completely, he COULD have talked to me, we COULD have worked things out, but it wasnt the right time then. I needed to learn some things first, like when I run at a brick wall like that, I am going to fall on my face, but when I walk up to the wall, explain where I am coming from, it will hold me up. It doesnt have all the answers and neither do I, but maybe we can find answers together.
The other night, I was obsessing about the kiss, I couldnt call my best friend, so I texted him. He listened to me, and he gave me feedback- not the things that I necessarily wanted to hear, but enough for me to get through the block on my own, for a little bit longer anyway.
This time around I feel like I'm looking more at the short term, a kiss doesnt lead to marriage. lol. A kiss is just a kiss. We like it, we move on. I've moved home, I dont know if or when I will see him again, I would like to, but if I dont I dont. I feel my innocence as a weight to bear, baggage, heavy baggage, why would anyone want to deal with someone as pure as me- silly right? But I live with it, I deal with it and with any luck I will find someone eventually who will love me as I am.
Everyone still tells me that hes not the one for me, his actions dont prove his worth. I buy that, I understand and respect that, but- and I may be like 6 years late- but I want my fling! lol. Let me throw caution to the wind, let me be dumb, stupid and put my heart on my sleeve. Let me experience something new, because we all know that the old thing was not working so well for me. What if, what if this new outlook on live life and etc will lead to something more... and who knows I might find my knight in shining armor- or at least one in tin foil, hopefully! :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Just a Kiss
A new Lady Antebellum song that I heard for the first, and tenth time today! It kind of not quite but almost perfectly describes my feelings about Thursday, if you are interested.
Don't worry I am not exactly sure about the "one I've been waiting my life for" or however they say it...
(Though the way I said it worked really well with my post, heehee)
I will keep this post a short one.
Goodnight friends.
Don't worry I am not exactly sure about the "one I've been waiting my life for" or however they say it...
(Though the way I said it worked really well with my post, heehee)
I will keep this post a short one.
Goodnight friends.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Silly me, it was just a kiss... right?
Yea, I went in thinking it was my last chance, that you wouldnt come and even that if you did come, it was the last time we would likely see one another.
But you did come, and we hung out...
And now, I dont know how to proceed. I suck at this, the last time I kissed someone, he said "See ya Monday" and got out of the car, and then, well, that was kind of it for our relationship.
Maybe its because you didnt say "See ya Monday"...
Maybe its because it felt right.
But now I mourn that that may have been the last time.
Ack. I keep going in circles in my head. I tried to talk to him about it, but I dont know if I am more confused or not.
I know who I want to talk to, who will give me the best advice, but she, well she doesnt want to talk to me about him. She doesnt like him. And I hurt her feelings by being with him.
How can the best night of my life also be one of the worst nights?
Sigh. Its time to believe in myself, and be strong for myself... so here goes nothing!
But you did come, and we hung out...
And now, I dont know how to proceed. I suck at this, the last time I kissed someone, he said "See ya Monday" and got out of the car, and then, well, that was kind of it for our relationship.
Maybe its because you didnt say "See ya Monday"...
Maybe its because it felt right.
But now I mourn that that may have been the last time.
Ack. I keep going in circles in my head. I tried to talk to him about it, but I dont know if I am more confused or not.
I know who I want to talk to, who will give me the best advice, but she, well she doesnt want to talk to me about him. She doesnt like him. And I hurt her feelings by being with him.
How can the best night of my life also be one of the worst nights?
Sigh. Its time to believe in myself, and be strong for myself... so here goes nothing!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
So many changes
Im done with Transy. I have graduated, and I am now an alumna, yet that isnt the only big moment of my life.
I got to fly in a private jet from New York to KY.
I karoake'd for the first time ever.
I felt like I lost all of my friends for about 15 hours.
And I had an awesome experience with him- no we didnt sleep together- but I feel like I cant tell anyone because no one approves of him.
I am not saying that he's the one for me.
I am not overlooking the past, simply letting it go.
I understand that you dont like him.
But I was hoping that your love for me meant that I could share the things that I am dying to share with you.
I dont need protection, I have always lived my life on the safe side.
I want to let loose some more. I want to have fun and I want all my friends to be there by my side.
But for the first time I feel kind of rebellious, and if I must do this without your support, I will.
There is room for both of you, just like there is room for me and your significant other in your life.
I guess ultimately I want your blessing. I understand that you may not like him, but I would love your support, your ear, and I dont want to make the choice between him and you, and I shouldnt have to, I have a big heart. :)
I got to fly in a private jet from New York to KY.
I karoake'd for the first time ever.
I felt like I lost all of my friends for about 15 hours.
And I had an awesome experience with him- no we didnt sleep together- but I feel like I cant tell anyone because no one approves of him.
I am not saying that he's the one for me.
I am not overlooking the past, simply letting it go.
I understand that you dont like him.
But I was hoping that your love for me meant that I could share the things that I am dying to share with you.
I dont need protection, I have always lived my life on the safe side.
I want to let loose some more. I want to have fun and I want all my friends to be there by my side.
But for the first time I feel kind of rebellious, and if I must do this without your support, I will.
There is room for both of you, just like there is room for me and your significant other in your life.
I guess ultimately I want your blessing. I understand that you may not like him, but I would love your support, your ear, and I dont want to make the choice between him and you, and I shouldnt have to, I have a big heart. :)
Friday, May 27, 2011
New Experiences
Something happened last night.
Something that was a long time coming, and good.
But I cant tell anyone about it because no one will be happy for me.
And the person who I want to tell the most, is giving me the silent treatment.
It sucks.
But I am sorry, I wouldnt change my experience last night for anything, because it was a long time coming.
I just wish that you would be happy for me and let me celebrate with you.
I also wish that you would tell me your honest opinion when I asked and not let me find out that you are pissed about things later.
I love you, I cherish you and our friendship, but I also think that you were trying to protect me from him, and last night, I didnt need protection, I needed to do what I've been wanting to do for months now.
Something that was a long time coming, and good.
But I cant tell anyone about it because no one will be happy for me.
And the person who I want to tell the most, is giving me the silent treatment.
It sucks.
But I am sorry, I wouldnt change my experience last night for anything, because it was a long time coming.
I just wish that you would be happy for me and let me celebrate with you.
I also wish that you would tell me your honest opinion when I asked and not let me find out that you are pissed about things later.
I love you, I cherish you and our friendship, but I also think that you were trying to protect me from him, and last night, I didnt need protection, I needed to do what I've been wanting to do for months now.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Almost Halfway
So I am currently in Italy- which I think I told you the other day. Its the longest trip I have ever taken in my life, and its the first international trip without someone in my family. And I am happy to report that though I miss everyone a lot, I have not suffered from horrible bouts of homesickness. It seems I am growing up, growing into an adult? But totally ignoring the fact that I graduate in like 13 days, yea, lets keep ignoring that! :)
Short, sweet and to the point: I am glad I took this trip, I miss people back home, some of whom it was expected that I would miss, others, not so much. But Italy is a great experience, and I have even enjoyed not looking at a map, and just getting lost.
Longer. I have finally decided that yes, life is about getting lost, doing something you may have never seen yourself doing, and just going with the flow. I think that is what Italy has brought out in me, and its something that I can hopefully translate in to all other parts of my life. Many times I become a control freak, maybe if I just let things go things will fall into place. Its funny though that I had to go to a foreign country to discover this. Yes, we have some structure every day, but we also have free time, and its our time, to wander and do just whatever blows our skirt up. I like this, I want to cultivate it in all parts of my life. :)
Short, sweet and to the point: I am glad I took this trip, I miss people back home, some of whom it was expected that I would miss, others, not so much. But Italy is a great experience, and I have even enjoyed not looking at a map, and just getting lost.
Longer. I have finally decided that yes, life is about getting lost, doing something you may have never seen yourself doing, and just going with the flow. I think that is what Italy has brought out in me, and its something that I can hopefully translate in to all other parts of my life. Many times I become a control freak, maybe if I just let things go things will fall into place. Its funny though that I had to go to a foreign country to discover this. Yes, we have some structure every day, but we also have free time, and its our time, to wander and do just whatever blows our skirt up. I like this, I want to cultivate it in all parts of my life. :)
Friday, May 13, 2011
This shouldnt be the way things are... but ok, whatever
You arent mine, I do not belong to you.
I was doing JUST fine for the first 3 days, what happened?
I know, I had a dream about you,
and now, well now I cant get you out of my head.
I miss you, lots.
And I have no way of getting in contact with you.
None.
I mean there's a chance you might respond to my facebook message, but I dont think you will.
And I dont even know if you use your email address.
But I miss you...
So much it aches.
Which is weird, funny and this shouldnt be happening.
We went 5 months without talking, 2 weeks shouldnt be a big deal.
But my god, I miss you.
More and more as time goes on...
Oh well, I may or may not get to see you sometime in the 4-5 days that I am in Lex once I get back from Italy.
But my guess is that I wont.
So not that you ever read this, but I miss you and I hope you are having a good couple of weeks! ;)
I was doing JUST fine for the first 3 days, what happened?
I know, I had a dream about you,
and now, well now I cant get you out of my head.
I miss you, lots.
And I have no way of getting in contact with you.
None.
I mean there's a chance you might respond to my facebook message, but I dont think you will.
And I dont even know if you use your email address.
But I miss you...
So much it aches.
Which is weird, funny and this shouldnt be happening.
We went 5 months without talking, 2 weeks shouldnt be a big deal.
But my god, I miss you.
More and more as time goes on...
Oh well, I may or may not get to see you sometime in the 4-5 days that I am in Lex once I get back from Italy.
But my guess is that I wont.
So not that you ever read this, but I miss you and I hope you are having a good couple of weeks! ;)
Monday, May 09, 2011
From this moment on
I leave for Italy today. My first trip abroad without my parents. I will be gone for 2 weeks.
I am suddenly terrified.
Can I do this, can I get through 2 weeks with these people that I dont really know? It's gotta be better than going totally on my own, I guess. Yet, I am still terrified.
On the other hand this is something that I wanted, something that I signed up for, and maybe just maybe it will be wonderful.
One thing I am sure of is that this will be a challenge, but one that can push me out in the world. Maybe this trip will make me feel like less of a mouse and more like a lion.
Its kind of funny, yesterday I was home, my brother had thrown my parents a Surprise wedding anniversary party and it became clear that I would be responsible to take them home. And I felt rushed... I didnt get home til like 5 and I was wanting to be in Lex at 5, ugh! But more than that I felt a minibreakdown coming. And I didnt want to burden my parents with sadness on their happy day. I think I managed to get out of the house without them realizing it, but I realized that I was leaving and boy am I going to miss them. The funny part is that I think that as much as I am hiding my feelings, they are too. Lots of people have been asking me how mom is taking it, and I really dont know, I think she is a little worried and probably has some anxiety. But I got an email from her this morning and realize that there's more than meets the eye. I think my mom is almost as panicked as I am. But we are both putting on a brave front because we dont want to worry the other!
So, here's to a wonderful, amazing time in Italy!
I am suddenly terrified.
Can I do this, can I get through 2 weeks with these people that I dont really know? It's gotta be better than going totally on my own, I guess. Yet, I am still terrified.
On the other hand this is something that I wanted, something that I signed up for, and maybe just maybe it will be wonderful.
One thing I am sure of is that this will be a challenge, but one that can push me out in the world. Maybe this trip will make me feel like less of a mouse and more like a lion.
Its kind of funny, yesterday I was home, my brother had thrown my parents a Surprise wedding anniversary party and it became clear that I would be responsible to take them home. And I felt rushed... I didnt get home til like 5 and I was wanting to be in Lex at 5, ugh! But more than that I felt a minibreakdown coming. And I didnt want to burden my parents with sadness on their happy day. I think I managed to get out of the house without them realizing it, but I realized that I was leaving and boy am I going to miss them. The funny part is that I think that as much as I am hiding my feelings, they are too. Lots of people have been asking me how mom is taking it, and I really dont know, I think she is a little worried and probably has some anxiety. But I got an email from her this morning and realize that there's more than meets the eye. I think my mom is almost as panicked as I am. But we are both putting on a brave front because we dont want to worry the other!
So, here's to a wonderful, amazing time in Italy!
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Watch Me
You sir, may possess every attribute that I want in a significant other. And so on the outside, on paper, you would be perfect for me, but real life doesnt care about paper. Real life doesnt hand me perfect, real life hands me you. See, while on paper you have all the things that I want, in real life, you have some personality traits that I cannot live with, though I have tried.
Next on my list of perfection: A good communicator who follows through.
I dont want to talk to you, to see you eventually. I want to talk to you, see you, be with you now.
I'm not going to cut off all ties with you, because I dont do well with that, but I sure as hell dont have to, nor will I wait for you.
I get to make my happy, I get to do whatever I want to, and you, well, lets just say I've been disappointed one too many times to ever follow through with an us.
Will I dream of it? Yes. Because I see myself eventually marrying someone like you, though, unlike before, I definitely dont think it will be you, unless you go through some drastic changes, and that just not fair to ask of someone who is so wrapped up in his own world. (Wow what a horrible sentence!)
But all these things I decided last weekend. And after this decision I went out and did things for myself. I lost control of my faculties and staff, danced the night away in the tightest dress I've ever worn, randomly went to Rolex with someone I dont really know all that well, then went bowling with the most random people ever, and went to a movie at a theater BY MYSELF... I did those things instead of waiting on you. You always disappoint, and me, well, I may be slow, and I might not get things right the first time, but I will learn my lessons, and I will come out happy!
Two years ago, I fell for you and you left me hanging. Last year, I knew that I still had more feelings for you than you had for me. This year, well, we will just have to see, right?
Next on my list of perfection: A good communicator who follows through.
I dont want to talk to you, to see you eventually. I want to talk to you, see you, be with you now.
I'm not going to cut off all ties with you, because I dont do well with that, but I sure as hell dont have to, nor will I wait for you.
I get to make my happy, I get to do whatever I want to, and you, well, lets just say I've been disappointed one too many times to ever follow through with an us.
Will I dream of it? Yes. Because I see myself eventually marrying someone like you, though, unlike before, I definitely dont think it will be you, unless you go through some drastic changes, and that just not fair to ask of someone who is so wrapped up in his own world. (Wow what a horrible sentence!)
But all these things I decided last weekend. And after this decision I went out and did things for myself. I lost control of my faculties and staff, danced the night away in the tightest dress I've ever worn, randomly went to Rolex with someone I dont really know all that well, then went bowling with the most random people ever, and went to a movie at a theater BY MYSELF... I did those things instead of waiting on you. You always disappoint, and me, well, I may be slow, and I might not get things right the first time, but I will learn my lessons, and I will come out happy!
Two years ago, I fell for you and you left me hanging. Last year, I knew that I still had more feelings for you than you had for me. This year, well, we will just have to see, right?
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Brick Wall
We communicate, sometimes more than others. Sometimes we joke and sometimes its serious.
You call me, which, honestly surprises me.
You, my friend are the KING of mixed signals.
No contact between Thursday and Saturday. But Saturday I go to the event that you put together and you flirt with me in the middle of your store. Sure, its funny, and yea, it would be cute- IF WE WERE DATING! But we aren't so I just think "What the HELL just happened?"
Here's my view of what happened:
I walk in from the rain, see you, smile and I'm just gonna go on my way, but you stop me, in the front of the store, where there is like 10 people, and you fix my hair- apparently I had strands making a V on my forehead, and you FIX THEM. That is not something that just friends do. Really, that felt like unnecessary PDA, like you were advertising we were an item, but WE ARENT. At least, if we are, I am totally unaware.
You call me, which, honestly surprises me.
You, my friend are the KING of mixed signals.
No contact between Thursday and Saturday. But Saturday I go to the event that you put together and you flirt with me in the middle of your store. Sure, its funny, and yea, it would be cute- IF WE WERE DATING! But we aren't so I just think "What the HELL just happened?"
Here's my view of what happened:
I walk in from the rain, see you, smile and I'm just gonna go on my way, but you stop me, in the front of the store, where there is like 10 people, and you fix my hair- apparently I had strands making a V on my forehead, and you FIX THEM. That is not something that just friends do. Really, that felt like unnecessary PDA, like you were advertising we were an item, but WE ARENT. At least, if we are, I am totally unaware.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Theres a difference this time
So, I text him. Said that I knew we hadnt talked in almost 5 months (today would have been the 5 month mark exactly)and I knew that it was on me, but I was thinking of him and I hope he was doing well. Since he didnt respond to the facebook message, I didnt figure he would respond to this either, and I was ok with that, mostly.
But he responded. And apparently he didnt get the message until last week, because his mom had read it.
Anyway.
Why did I make contact? What makes it different this time?
Ever had an addiction? You can give it up and the first couple of days its not so bad, and you even go through periods of time in which you dont care about it at all. And then you hit a wave of longing. Yea, this was one of those waves. And I lived with it for almost 2 weeks before I did anything about it. So what made me do something? Well, I looked deeply in my heart and soul. And I wrote down things that I thought of, all the questions that came to mind. Why him, why now, what if this happens, or even that?
And I decided that being in contact with him was healthy for me. I miss his friendship because he's not connected to the rest of my friends and in some ways he is a breath of fresh air. AND this time, this friendship will happen on my terms. I made the first contact to show that I guess I was ready to have him back in my life. But if he wants to be in my life, than he gets to make the effort. If he wants to hang out, he can make the contact, and I get to choose whether or not I am free, or want to see him. We are friends, and there is no need to over think anything that happens.
OK, so I'm not perfect.
And I am slightly over thinking the reasons behind this "couple of hours" long conversation that he wants to have because he doesnt want to "rush anything" but, I mean, things happen.
I just gotta keep telling myself, that I am in charge here, and I've done it once- ok so really its been more like 3 times, and I CAN live without him (and I pretty much do live without him 6 months out of the year).
Moral of the story: I did some soul searching before I decided to let him back in my life. Now, we just have to wait and see how it works this time!
(I think I might understand why people have on-again, off-again relationships. Before I always thought it was very stupid!)
But he responded. And apparently he didnt get the message until last week, because his mom had read it.
Anyway.
Why did I make contact? What makes it different this time?
Ever had an addiction? You can give it up and the first couple of days its not so bad, and you even go through periods of time in which you dont care about it at all. And then you hit a wave of longing. Yea, this was one of those waves. And I lived with it for almost 2 weeks before I did anything about it. So what made me do something? Well, I looked deeply in my heart and soul. And I wrote down things that I thought of, all the questions that came to mind. Why him, why now, what if this happens, or even that?
And I decided that being in contact with him was healthy for me. I miss his friendship because he's not connected to the rest of my friends and in some ways he is a breath of fresh air. AND this time, this friendship will happen on my terms. I made the first contact to show that I guess I was ready to have him back in my life. But if he wants to be in my life, than he gets to make the effort. If he wants to hang out, he can make the contact, and I get to choose whether or not I am free, or want to see him. We are friends, and there is no need to over think anything that happens.
OK, so I'm not perfect.
And I am slightly over thinking the reasons behind this "couple of hours" long conversation that he wants to have because he doesnt want to "rush anything" but, I mean, things happen.
I just gotta keep telling myself, that I am in charge here, and I've done it once- ok so really its been more like 3 times, and I CAN live without him (and I pretty much do live without him 6 months out of the year).
Moral of the story: I did some soul searching before I decided to let him back in my life. Now, we just have to wait and see how it works this time!
(I think I might understand why people have on-again, off-again relationships. Before I always thought it was very stupid!)
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Back To December
It's a song by Taylor Swift. And it describes my feelings of at least the past week fully.
I know that I can't change things, and that its useless looking on the past, but that does not stop me from doing such things.
Its sad that I get inspired to write when I am having hard days with respect to J. Last night was super tough because I've missed him so much lately- we met 2 years ago last Sunday, and of course since I am a dates person, I remember that.
I effectively deleted him out of my life in December. And I miss him. I know that a real "relationship" between us is impractical, and I know that it won't work. But its not just the thought of a relationship that I miss, because technically we were never more than friends. *Sigh*
Yesterday I wrote in my journal and it was like 3 pages of J. Its weird because I struggle to protect my heart, but on the other hand I want to be certain and not have that what if later in life, and I dont know which will win out.
But I had a dream about him last night. I was on spring break and staying at my parents house. In the dream I had had the same struggle that I am having now, and I decided that what the hell, what could I lose by making contact- its not like if he doesnt respond that anything will be different. So I went to tractor supply- it seemed the easiest way to get in touch with him. His work is 2 hours away from my house, and for some reason I was in mom's car, and dad was at tractor supply for something too. I go inside, and at first I figure he might not be working because its a Sunday (back when we were still talking and he got this new job he said that he would likely have Saturday and Sunday off). But I'm looking around and casing out all the workers, and then I see him helping a customer. We make eye contact, and then I go and intently look at screwdrivers, or something equally random. And he comes over and says hey, and I notice that he has a hugely swollen hand- think Hulk hand on a guy that is 6'4'' and 150 pounds at the most. And I say "hey, can we talk?" And we walk around the store, and I apologize for October, and talk about how I miss our friendship and was wondering if we could start fresh (for the 3rd year in a row). He listened patiently, told me that he missed our friendship as well but was worried about being friends again, but he would be willing to give it a shot. And then I told him its all good, it would have to be slow anyway, because I cant tell any of my Transy friends that he is back in my life- they would like lock me away. And then we parted ways, kind of with a bittersweet feeling.
Then at the end of the dream, I got into mom's car and I didnt turn it on but accidentally put it into drive. And it started rolling, and there were hills and because it wasnt on I couldnt put it back in park, but because it wasnt in park I couldnt put it on. But the brakes worked, not 100% but enough to keep me out of trouble, so I searched for a hill to go up so that the car would stop completely so that I could turn it on. And eventually ended up in a park, got the car started fine, drove off, and woke up.
I don't know what is gonna happen, but I am sure it will be a learning experience.
So here's to learning something new, even if it throws your world upside down and involves some emotional pain!
I know that I can't change things, and that its useless looking on the past, but that does not stop me from doing such things.
Its sad that I get inspired to write when I am having hard days with respect to J. Last night was super tough because I've missed him so much lately- we met 2 years ago last Sunday, and of course since I am a dates person, I remember that.
I effectively deleted him out of my life in December. And I miss him. I know that a real "relationship" between us is impractical, and I know that it won't work. But its not just the thought of a relationship that I miss, because technically we were never more than friends. *Sigh*
Yesterday I wrote in my journal and it was like 3 pages of J. Its weird because I struggle to protect my heart, but on the other hand I want to be certain and not have that what if later in life, and I dont know which will win out.
But I had a dream about him last night. I was on spring break and staying at my parents house. In the dream I had had the same struggle that I am having now, and I decided that what the hell, what could I lose by making contact- its not like if he doesnt respond that anything will be different. So I went to tractor supply- it seemed the easiest way to get in touch with him. His work is 2 hours away from my house, and for some reason I was in mom's car, and dad was at tractor supply for something too. I go inside, and at first I figure he might not be working because its a Sunday (back when we were still talking and he got this new job he said that he would likely have Saturday and Sunday off). But I'm looking around and casing out all the workers, and then I see him helping a customer. We make eye contact, and then I go and intently look at screwdrivers, or something equally random. And he comes over and says hey, and I notice that he has a hugely swollen hand- think Hulk hand on a guy that is 6'4'' and 150 pounds at the most. And I say "hey, can we talk?" And we walk around the store, and I apologize for October, and talk about how I miss our friendship and was wondering if we could start fresh (for the 3rd year in a row). He listened patiently, told me that he missed our friendship as well but was worried about being friends again, but he would be willing to give it a shot. And then I told him its all good, it would have to be slow anyway, because I cant tell any of my Transy friends that he is back in my life- they would like lock me away. And then we parted ways, kind of with a bittersweet feeling.
Then at the end of the dream, I got into mom's car and I didnt turn it on but accidentally put it into drive. And it started rolling, and there were hills and because it wasnt on I couldnt put it back in park, but because it wasnt in park I couldnt put it on. But the brakes worked, not 100% but enough to keep me out of trouble, so I searched for a hill to go up so that the car would stop completely so that I could turn it on. And eventually ended up in a park, got the car started fine, drove off, and woke up.
I don't know what is gonna happen, but I am sure it will be a learning experience.
So here's to learning something new, even if it throws your world upside down and involves some emotional pain!
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
Temporary Home
A song by Carrie Underwood
Today, while I was in the middle of a group project, my mom informed me that Stan Burrous had died. This is the man that for the first 11 years of my life, I called Grandpa, a man who was always loving towards me, even though I was aware that he had a kind of mean streak. And then he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, turned horribly nasty towards my grandma, divorced her, and moved to Pennsylvania. This is a man who, I have had little to no contact with for the past 11 years. Yet, still, the news of his passing gives me pause.
No, we werent related by blood, but he was a part of my life, and he did leave his mark on my heart.
He was their when I took my first steps.
He would always bring me goodies when he and my grandma visited.
And there was that one weekend, when I was sent to stay with him and Grandma and I didnt speak! Thats right, I think I was maybe 5 or 6, and I didnt utter a word the whole weekend, but I did smile.
I remember my smile brought a smile to his face, he was funny. And I will always have the wooden bowls he made for me... time to pull them out and appreciate them for the love that was poured into them.
No, my life wont necessarily drastically change because the man that I called Grandpa died, but it is a reminder that life is temporary, and we should love with all our heart, follow all our passions, smile daily, and work to foster the relationships that matter to us.
Here's to Grandpa Stan, Grandma Carnes, George, Great-Aunt Mary Belle, Cousin Sharon, Friend Mr. Saltsman, Grandma Carnes' Sister; Abbey (dog), Khan (dog), Dolly (horse), Kitty (cat), Not Spot (cat), Junior (cat) and all the other friends and family I have lost since the summer of 2007. Rest In Peace
Today, while I was in the middle of a group project, my mom informed me that Stan Burrous had died. This is the man that for the first 11 years of my life, I called Grandpa, a man who was always loving towards me, even though I was aware that he had a kind of mean streak. And then he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, turned horribly nasty towards my grandma, divorced her, and moved to Pennsylvania. This is a man who, I have had little to no contact with for the past 11 years. Yet, still, the news of his passing gives me pause.
No, we werent related by blood, but he was a part of my life, and he did leave his mark on my heart.
He was their when I took my first steps.
He would always bring me goodies when he and my grandma visited.
And there was that one weekend, when I was sent to stay with him and Grandma and I didnt speak! Thats right, I think I was maybe 5 or 6, and I didnt utter a word the whole weekend, but I did smile.
I remember my smile brought a smile to his face, he was funny. And I will always have the wooden bowls he made for me... time to pull them out and appreciate them for the love that was poured into them.
No, my life wont necessarily drastically change because the man that I called Grandpa died, but it is a reminder that life is temporary, and we should love with all our heart, follow all our passions, smile daily, and work to foster the relationships that matter to us.
Here's to Grandpa Stan, Grandma Carnes, George, Great-Aunt Mary Belle, Cousin Sharon, Friend Mr. Saltsman, Grandma Carnes' Sister; Abbey (dog), Khan (dog), Dolly (horse), Kitty (cat), Not Spot (cat), Junior (cat) and all the other friends and family I have lost since the summer of 2007. Rest In Peace
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Waiting for the pen to dry up so she can start fresh with thoughts that are worth new ink.
Sunday was horrible.
Monday wasn't much better.
But then, Monday night, Marky Mark (no, thats not his real name) talked to me. And he knows my name, and that was just the thing to bring the sunshine in and push out the black cloud.
The black hole is gone too.
Thank goodness.
And I know it isnt much, but it was enough to help me brush myself off, and stand back up.
I can take on the world, I just need the occasional person to help me remember that I do believe in myself!
I went from Grumpy Greta to Jubilant Jessie in a blink of an eye!
Blogger world, I hope that you all have people that can step in when you are having your most ugly moments and make your world a brighter place.
Here's to happiness!
Monday wasn't much better.
But then, Monday night, Marky Mark (no, thats not his real name) talked to me. And he knows my name, and that was just the thing to bring the sunshine in and push out the black cloud.
The black hole is gone too.
Thank goodness.
And I know it isnt much, but it was enough to help me brush myself off, and stand back up.
I can take on the world, I just need the occasional person to help me remember that I do believe in myself!
I went from Grumpy Greta to Jubilant Jessie in a blink of an eye!
Blogger world, I hope that you all have people that can step in when you are having your most ugly moments and make your world a brighter place.
Here's to happiness!
Monday, January 31, 2011
Lonely
I dont think I have ever felt so alone in my life.
Sure, part of it was probably my own doing because I was really happy to have the room to myself all day. But also, I am a social being and wanted to have dinner with some friends, but when I call all the friends that I would consider eating a sit down dinner with, and they are all busy, thats just seriously depressing.
And thats not my only problem.
How do you show someone that you are truly happy for them and their successes when you are drowning in your own lack of self worth?
I am so happy for you, really, thrilled, I want to be jumping up and down for you, but on the other hand, I can barely smile at anything right now.
That's just not fair to either one of us. So, maybe if I isolate myself, then you dont have to see my lack of happy, and I dont wallow so much in your happiness.
I am a panicky, weepy, overwhelmed, horribly angry mess that just wants to be held. Yea, if I had the opportunity I would hide from myself.
I guess heres to hoping this black hole that I have turned into wont last, and I will come on the other side completely amazing.
Sure, part of it was probably my own doing because I was really happy to have the room to myself all day. But also, I am a social being and wanted to have dinner with some friends, but when I call all the friends that I would consider eating a sit down dinner with, and they are all busy, thats just seriously depressing.
And thats not my only problem.
How do you show someone that you are truly happy for them and their successes when you are drowning in your own lack of self worth?
I am so happy for you, really, thrilled, I want to be jumping up and down for you, but on the other hand, I can barely smile at anything right now.
That's just not fair to either one of us. So, maybe if I isolate myself, then you dont have to see my lack of happy, and I dont wallow so much in your happiness.
I am a panicky, weepy, overwhelmed, horribly angry mess that just wants to be held. Yea, if I had the opportunity I would hide from myself.
I guess heres to hoping this black hole that I have turned into wont last, and I will come on the other side completely amazing.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
You arent welcome here anymore, boy.
I know, I know, I said I was going to focus more on daily life, and the non-boy issues. But you see, those are things that I can easily talk about with the people in my daily life, and therefore I dont need an outlet for them. And thus, yes, this post is about boys, or really that one boy that I banned from my life Halloween weekend.
I read my happy romantic comedy books, I have happy days, and I dream about my life to come but with all of those things, there is that undertone of him. I am the one that sent him away, told him not to talk to me, deleted our "friendship" so why, WHY can I not keep him out of my head?
I dont even want him in my life. Ok, so maybe I like the idea of most of his attributes- hes 6'4'' and a country boy and he has a fun personality- but he has some things that are deal breakers: his lack of making plans for one (and its a big one!), he gave bad excuses and his overall communication skills kind of suck.
Really, if we combined J with T, things would be perfect, but I am not a mad scientist, nor is it actually possible... sigh.
Back to my rambles about J. I ramble here because he is kind of a he-who-must-not-be-named type of person in my group of friends, and more than that, if I do talk about him- out loud with my voice- its like I cant get away from him. If I keep him in my head and on my blog, I still have some control, and hes banished from my real life.
But there is a flaw in that logic, really if I give thought to him, then he is in my real life.
What to do about that?
I dont know, and maybe when I figure something out, I will tell you, but for now, I just have to keep my head high, the only one that can make my life not worth living is me, and I am not that weak.
I just gotta keep on keeping on.
I read my happy romantic comedy books, I have happy days, and I dream about my life to come but with all of those things, there is that undertone of him. I am the one that sent him away, told him not to talk to me, deleted our "friendship" so why, WHY can I not keep him out of my head?
I dont even want him in my life. Ok, so maybe I like the idea of most of his attributes- hes 6'4'' and a country boy and he has a fun personality- but he has some things that are deal breakers: his lack of making plans for one (and its a big one!), he gave bad excuses and his overall communication skills kind of suck.
Really, if we combined J with T, things would be perfect, but I am not a mad scientist, nor is it actually possible... sigh.
Back to my rambles about J. I ramble here because he is kind of a he-who-must-not-be-named type of person in my group of friends, and more than that, if I do talk about him- out loud with my voice- its like I cant get away from him. If I keep him in my head and on my blog, I still have some control, and hes banished from my real life.
But there is a flaw in that logic, really if I give thought to him, then he is in my real life.
What to do about that?
I dont know, and maybe when I figure something out, I will tell you, but for now, I just have to keep my head high, the only one that can make my life not worth living is me, and I am not that weak.
I just gotta keep on keeping on.
Saturday, January 01, 2011
New year, new me?
I dont think so.
In fact, I feel gross, like an exaggeration, and downright worthless.
I've lost my happy place, and I need to find it again.
Or, maybe I am growing up and becoming my own person with my own opinions, and I dont care what other people think- I get to think what I want to think.
Reinventing myself here.
Sort of.
At least, I think maybe?
In fact, I feel gross, like an exaggeration, and downright worthless.
I've lost my happy place, and I need to find it again.
Or, maybe I am growing up and becoming my own person with my own opinions, and I dont care what other people think- I get to think what I want to think.
Reinventing myself here.
Sort of.
At least, I think maybe?
Tuesday, November 02, 2010
Panic
It's November second. Election day. Fun day. Beautiful day.
And I hit a panic.
What the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life?
Yes, I am an accounting major, but I dont know of any accounting firms, how am I going to find a job out of school?
I have got to take the CPA test, how/when?
Grad school? Yea, I was going to do that, but but but, but, I thought getting my CPA first was a good idea, so I havent taken the GMAT. The new plan is to take it in July.
I have a great fear of failure, and so what does a friend tell me?
Well, failure is part of life. WHAT THE HELL, man?
You dont say that to someone who has already cried over this today.
NO.
You say something like "out of all of my friends, you are the least likely to fail".
So, I guess its up to me to give myself a pep talk:
Dearest Jessie:
You have never been a failure. You may have stumbled a time or two, but you fall to your knees and you stand back up. You like to plan, but you also know that nothing ever goes exactly to plan, and therefore you have a jump on all of those other planners out in the world. You have a sense of perseverance that has been complimented several times. You have already made your family proud, and you have no where to go but up. You will find a fantastic job- if not at first, then later in life. You can do anything, ANYTHING you set your mind to and knowing that makes you one step ahead of everyone else. Sure, others already have jobs, and sure others got more interviews- but remember until that fateful day in September you were dead set on graduate school right away rather than getting your CPA right away.
OK, so my momma called me and gave me a pep talk... but I will still share this one.
And I hit a panic.
What the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life?
Yes, I am an accounting major, but I dont know of any accounting firms, how am I going to find a job out of school?
I have got to take the CPA test, how/when?
Grad school? Yea, I was going to do that, but but but, but, I thought getting my CPA first was a good idea, so I havent taken the GMAT. The new plan is to take it in July.
I have a great fear of failure, and so what does a friend tell me?
Well, failure is part of life. WHAT THE HELL, man?
You dont say that to someone who has already cried over this today.
NO.
You say something like "out of all of my friends, you are the least likely to fail".
So, I guess its up to me to give myself a pep talk:
Dearest Jessie:
You have never been a failure. You may have stumbled a time or two, but you fall to your knees and you stand back up. You like to plan, but you also know that nothing ever goes exactly to plan, and therefore you have a jump on all of those other planners out in the world. You have a sense of perseverance that has been complimented several times. You have already made your family proud, and you have no where to go but up. You will find a fantastic job- if not at first, then later in life. You can do anything, ANYTHING you set your mind to and knowing that makes you one step ahead of everyone else. Sure, others already have jobs, and sure others got more interviews- but remember until that fateful day in September you were dead set on graduate school right away rather than getting your CPA right away.
OK, so my momma called me and gave me a pep talk... but I will still share this one.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Life in the Safe Lane?
Ive realized that I live life safely. I dont really ever put my neck on the line where someone could either save my butt or leave me there and I could have it cut off.
And its not just with boys, where I dont let loose.
Its in many things.
Its in driving- I am a terrible passenger, and a control freak, and therefore I drive anywhere I go, pretty much.
Its in my school work- I always pick a safe subject, and kind of sort of describe it and get the gist of it, and that gives me B's but really, if I just stuck my neck out there a little bit more, if I made more assertions, I could wind up with some A's on papers. And this occurred to me as I was writing my last paper. I was writing on Taoism, and I just got a jolt of inspiration, and off I went and I didnt hold anything back, and it felt good. I only hope that my no holds barred approach is rewarded. Professors are always telling me that I get the point, but I just need a little bit more. Well, that was it, I think, I hope.
Yes, planning is good, important and a great tool. But sometimes, yes I am finally admitting this- sometimes the best parts of life are NOT planned! Be spontaneous every now and then, and know that its not always going to be perfect, but at the same time, some of the best laid plans never work out.
Be fun, have fun.
Surround yourself with the people that you like, and those arent always necessarily the people in your core group of friends. If you have to, break the mold, spend sometime with someone different for a change.
Bottom line: This life is yours, take it or leave it, but I have decided to take mine and run with it.
Friday afternoon the boy made me unhappy- to say the least- and I decided that I shouldnt need him, that I cant rely on him, and therefore, when he said he was "out" for plans that night, I told him I was "out" til Dec. 5th. And when I think about it, I feel as if I am doing the exact thing that I told him I wouldnt- I told him he wouldnt lose me, but doesnt no contact for a month equal somewhat of a loss? On the other hand, I gave him about 15 opportunities to open up and talk to me, and I made those promises thinking that he would, but he never did. And so I am free and clear to work at letting go. If I am as important to him as he says I am, then its time for him to step up to the plate and make some effort. I dont mind being friends- but it is going to take a talk, a real honest to goodness face-to-face talk, and thats something that I dont think he will commit to and follow through with.
The point of that story was to share my most recent analogy: I feel as if I was driving down the "James" road- one which I have been down before, though the scenery is a little bit different, I am still running over excuse after excuse. But Friday, when he had a golden opportunity to talk to me and he wouldnt, I got mad and turned the wheel hard, I took a 90 degree turn to the left and I pressed down on my accelerator. If he wants, he can find me, he can catch up and give me his story, but hed better do it soon, because this time I am likely to be long gone.
This post was written by Spontaneous Jessie. haha :)
And its not just with boys, where I dont let loose.
Its in many things.
Its in driving- I am a terrible passenger, and a control freak, and therefore I drive anywhere I go, pretty much.
Its in my school work- I always pick a safe subject, and kind of sort of describe it and get the gist of it, and that gives me B's but really, if I just stuck my neck out there a little bit more, if I made more assertions, I could wind up with some A's on papers. And this occurred to me as I was writing my last paper. I was writing on Taoism, and I just got a jolt of inspiration, and off I went and I didnt hold anything back, and it felt good. I only hope that my no holds barred approach is rewarded. Professors are always telling me that I get the point, but I just need a little bit more. Well, that was it, I think, I hope.
Yes, planning is good, important and a great tool. But sometimes, yes I am finally admitting this- sometimes the best parts of life are NOT planned! Be spontaneous every now and then, and know that its not always going to be perfect, but at the same time, some of the best laid plans never work out.
Be fun, have fun.
Surround yourself with the people that you like, and those arent always necessarily the people in your core group of friends. If you have to, break the mold, spend sometime with someone different for a change.
Bottom line: This life is yours, take it or leave it, but I have decided to take mine and run with it.
Friday afternoon the boy made me unhappy- to say the least- and I decided that I shouldnt need him, that I cant rely on him, and therefore, when he said he was "out" for plans that night, I told him I was "out" til Dec. 5th. And when I think about it, I feel as if I am doing the exact thing that I told him I wouldnt- I told him he wouldnt lose me, but doesnt no contact for a month equal somewhat of a loss? On the other hand, I gave him about 15 opportunities to open up and talk to me, and I made those promises thinking that he would, but he never did. And so I am free and clear to work at letting go. If I am as important to him as he says I am, then its time for him to step up to the plate and make some effort. I dont mind being friends- but it is going to take a talk, a real honest to goodness face-to-face talk, and thats something that I dont think he will commit to and follow through with.
The point of that story was to share my most recent analogy: I feel as if I was driving down the "James" road- one which I have been down before, though the scenery is a little bit different, I am still running over excuse after excuse. But Friday, when he had a golden opportunity to talk to me and he wouldnt, I got mad and turned the wheel hard, I took a 90 degree turn to the left and I pressed down on my accelerator. If he wants, he can find me, he can catch up and give me his story, but hed better do it soon, because this time I am likely to be long gone.
This post was written by Spontaneous Jessie. haha :)
Superperson!
Today was costume day at school.
I haven't really participated in Halloween costumes since, well since I went trick-or-treating, unless I was like a Cowgirl or something.
But today, today I went as a Superperson.
It was fantastic, people smiled at me, gawked at me, and I felt wonderful.
I mean I dont really like to be stared at a lot, but I felt it was appropriate today.
Long story short:
Life is short, and today I fully embraced it! :)
I haven't really participated in Halloween costumes since, well since I went trick-or-treating, unless I was like a Cowgirl or something.
But today, today I went as a Superperson.
It was fantastic, people smiled at me, gawked at me, and I felt wonderful.
I mean I dont really like to be stared at a lot, but I felt it was appropriate today.
Long story short:
Life is short, and today I fully embraced it! :)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Nicknames
My name: Jessica
Common Nicknames: Jessie and Jess
People when first meeting me, or after knowing me just a few weeks will often ask me what I liked to be called, or if I have a preference, and I always say pick your favorite, or I like Jessica, Jessie or Jess.
And I will generally respond to any of those names, and a few others- as long as you arent yelling for me in a large crowd, because then I just cant hear, and so will pay no attention. Usually in this case yelling Carnes is good.
Anyway. I dont generally have an issue with my name and I introduce myself as Jessica or Jessie depending on the context.
But my favorite nickname, really, is Jess. I love when people call me Jess, but I never tell people to call me that. Is that weird?
Its kind of like its my favorite BECAUSE I dont tell people to call me that, therefore, when they call me that its because they came up with it on their own. I mean its not that hard to get Jess from Jessica, but still.
OK, thats my random thought of the day! :)
Common Nicknames: Jessie and Jess
People when first meeting me, or after knowing me just a few weeks will often ask me what I liked to be called, or if I have a preference, and I always say pick your favorite, or I like Jessica, Jessie or Jess.
And I will generally respond to any of those names, and a few others- as long as you arent yelling for me in a large crowd, because then I just cant hear, and so will pay no attention. Usually in this case yelling Carnes is good.
Anyway. I dont generally have an issue with my name and I introduce myself as Jessica or Jessie depending on the context.
But my favorite nickname, really, is Jess. I love when people call me Jess, but I never tell people to call me that. Is that weird?
Its kind of like its my favorite BECAUSE I dont tell people to call me that, therefore, when they call me that its because they came up with it on their own. I mean its not that hard to get Jess from Jessica, but still.
OK, thats my random thought of the day! :)
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Looking Back
So today, for the first time in a long time, I went back and I read everything that I have written on this blog this year. Wow, I kind of have a one track mind, dont I?
The boy.
And everything is based around him.
Wow
I mean I knew that I was bad, just didnt quite realize I was this bad.
And while I cannot control what my heart feels, I can totally wrestle it with how my mind knows.
And yes, I will struggle, and question EVERYTHING, but by now, surely if you read this blog, you know this about me.
But this is what I know:
He tells me that I have to do what I want for me, but whats missing is him saying that he wants the same thing. And this cannot work unless its a mutual effort.
Whether we have the wrong timing, or just totally different outlooks on things.
Yes, I can do the things that I want for me, but it wont matter unless the other person is headed in the same direction.
I dont know how to get the point across, or maybe I cant, but I think face to face would be a good idea... IF HE EVER FREAKING sets a time.
Anyway, this rant is over.
I know that I have a blessed life, and theses challenges with the boy could be construed as trivial... but they are what they are, and I am what I am, and we just have to go from there!
The boy.
And everything is based around him.
Wow
I mean I knew that I was bad, just didnt quite realize I was this bad.
And while I cannot control what my heart feels, I can totally wrestle it with how my mind knows.
And yes, I will struggle, and question EVERYTHING, but by now, surely if you read this blog, you know this about me.
But this is what I know:
He tells me that I have to do what I want for me, but whats missing is him saying that he wants the same thing. And this cannot work unless its a mutual effort.
Whether we have the wrong timing, or just totally different outlooks on things.
Yes, I can do the things that I want for me, but it wont matter unless the other person is headed in the same direction.
I dont know how to get the point across, or maybe I cant, but I think face to face would be a good idea... IF HE EVER FREAKING sets a time.
Anyway, this rant is over.
I know that I have a blessed life, and theses challenges with the boy could be construed as trivial... but they are what they are, and I am what I am, and we just have to go from there!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A dreaming fool
I had a dream last night, you know, one of those that you dont want to wake up from?
And its not that it was fantastically good, but rather it seemed like it could be real- ok so maybe not all of the circumstances, but the feelings and the hurt, and the happy.
So let me see if I can recount it.
Part 1.
We were at school. I had visitors, who were going to stay the night- my mom and J. And there was some issue as to who was going to stay where, and my friends werent that happy (story of my life) anyway. And we (I dont know who all was included in the we) were going to the opera house for some sort of performance. J was supposed to come, but decided not to or something.
Part 2. We had a party at home. J came to visit but he couldnt stay long, and so I drove over to the neighbors house (where he had parked?) and was talking to them as he was getting ready to leave. But then I asked him to stay. He said he couldnt and looked really upset by something. So I went up to his car and I had him roll down the window so that I could ask him why he wouldnt stay. And when the window rolled down there were 2 girls in his car. He looked seriously pained (remorse maybe?), and I of course was hurt, upset. So I just said "I see, well then I guess this is Goodbye"
Part 3.
Was really a continuation of part 1.
It starts off with us leaving the play. We walked out the doors, and J was there. Everyone else sighed and just went back to campus, which in this reality was up a huge hill, and was a castle (which kind of reminds me of Hogwarts) and it wasnt Lexington, but rather a quaint smaller town. J looked at me and said "I am sorry, forgive me?" and I flashed back to part 2 of the dream, and part 1 when he decided not to go with me. But, I smiled, said "Just this once" and grabbed his hand. We walked up to where the rest of the group was, and they werent particularly happy but they didnt disown me, which was nice. And Badger, who had opted not to go to the play came down because she wanted food, but not school food, so she was trying to get people to go downtown with her to get food, no one was really wanting to go. I sat down on a window bench type thing, and pulled J down with me, where we sat for a few minutes just watching everyone else.
If only it could come true... I know though, that is impossible.
And its not that it was fantastically good, but rather it seemed like it could be real- ok so maybe not all of the circumstances, but the feelings and the hurt, and the happy.
So let me see if I can recount it.
Part 1.
We were at school. I had visitors, who were going to stay the night- my mom and J. And there was some issue as to who was going to stay where, and my friends werent that happy (story of my life) anyway. And we (I dont know who all was included in the we) were going to the opera house for some sort of performance. J was supposed to come, but decided not to or something.
Part 2. We had a party at home. J came to visit but he couldnt stay long, and so I drove over to the neighbors house (where he had parked?) and was talking to them as he was getting ready to leave. But then I asked him to stay. He said he couldnt and looked really upset by something. So I went up to his car and I had him roll down the window so that I could ask him why he wouldnt stay. And when the window rolled down there were 2 girls in his car. He looked seriously pained (remorse maybe?), and I of course was hurt, upset. So I just said "I see, well then I guess this is Goodbye"
Part 3.
Was really a continuation of part 1.
It starts off with us leaving the play. We walked out the doors, and J was there. Everyone else sighed and just went back to campus, which in this reality was up a huge hill, and was a castle (which kind of reminds me of Hogwarts) and it wasnt Lexington, but rather a quaint smaller town. J looked at me and said "I am sorry, forgive me?" and I flashed back to part 2 of the dream, and part 1 when he decided not to go with me. But, I smiled, said "Just this once" and grabbed his hand. We walked up to where the rest of the group was, and they werent particularly happy but they didnt disown me, which was nice. And Badger, who had opted not to go to the play came down because she wanted food, but not school food, so she was trying to get people to go downtown with her to get food, no one was really wanting to go. I sat down on a window bench type thing, and pulled J down with me, where we sat for a few minutes just watching everyone else.
If only it could come true... I know though, that is impossible.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Little Miss
A song by Sugarland, and my current obsession.
Its all about being down on luck, love, life and then pulling yourself together and knowing that it will be alright again and knowing that you are loved. (Or at least, that is what I get out of it).
Little miss heart beats wide open now, shes ready for love.
Thats me...
Or really, this whole song is me, currently.
I was in a funk about *that guy*, you know, the one that the past two poems are about.
Yes, something happened, I think I even wrote about it, and unsurprisingly I blew things out of proportion, but thats just me. One day there will be that person in my life that sees the way I blow things up, laugh at me, and then deflate my balloon, carefully so as to not depress me or hurt me unintentionally.
*That guy* is not the person to do this. Sure hes careful about what he says but thats just because (no surprise) I am too important in his life for him to let something like (god forbid) a relationship come between us. (Here's where I debunk the theory that a real relationship would come between us. I mean sure it could, but sometimes you gotta take a leap of faith and hope that things work out. We have been friends, we have even gone to the point where we dont talk. But you see we always seem to be thrown together. So man up dude, so what that we both have lives, no one said this was going to be easy. But I am telling you it could be worth it, you just gotta put yourself on the line. He says he doesnt want to take the chance of hurting me, or pushing me too far, but I think really its that he doesnt want to get hurt. But you know what I GET THAT!!! And I have never burned a bridge- I dont leave people out in the cold, even people I dont like. Everyone can get warmth from me- I am just not the type of person to stop talking/caring/loving. IT doesnt happen. Even the people who break my heart, I still talk to them.) Ok, so now THAT rant is over.
Next.
I have been on a kick of empowerment. *He* told me that I am one of the most important, dependable people in his life, and then he doesnt talk to me for days on end. Hello? Yea, sorry pal, but that doesnt work. I talk to the people who are important in my life at least once a day. Even if its just to say hey. So dont give me the bullshit about being super important. I get that you are working every day for the next 2 weeks, but you arent working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are working maybe 12 hours a day. And its not like texting is hard.
Moral of my story here,
Its time for me to find a new obsession, because this one just isnt working for me anymore. I deserve more, someone who will love me and treat me wonderfully. (Yes, I will hold out for that- hopefully!) So, good thing that basketball season is starting- its the perfect thing to take my mind of that obsession. Traveling twice a week on a bus full of boys, how can a girl complain?!
And this song, Little Miss, its perfect. I feel like I am that person that will do anything for the people in her life, and help anyone and everyone who asks for it, but sometimes I feel like I dont take enough time for me.
I have 4 classes, 2 committees, 2 organizations that I have a leadership role in, I work for the athletic department, Traveling with the basketball team, not to mention social activities, and family activities. I dont have TIME for a boy- yet I still fantasize about having a boy.
I feel like I am the epitome of the girl that has everything yet still feels lost and lonely. I have good friends, I have an awesome family, I love myself (most days) but the thing that I want most, is the thing that still eludes me- a boyfriend. I know, I know, they arent all that wonderful, they arent worth the trouble, I dont need a boyfriend to be wonderful, having a boyfriend wont fill my void- I hear all the arguments. But needing and wanting are TOTALLY different- I dont NEED clothes, but I am a very modest person and desperately WANT them. I NEED glasses but I desperately dont WANT them. I get it, really I do...
But still, like all Americans, or humans for that matter, I want what isnt mine.
Sure I suppose it will happen some day.
New subject.
Honesty.
I am honest, its not something that I will apologize for.
I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but really, would you rather me lie to you?!
I only want one thing in return, honesty.
Seriously, if I say something that upsets you TELL ME, and dont be subtle about it. Say, "hey asshole, please stop talking about that subject, I dont like it it hurts me, it upsets me, etc". Look me in the eyes and tell me seriously. Because I hate hurting people, especially my friends. But the absolute worst thing you can do is tell other mutual friends that you are upset- because usually it gets back to me. Id like to think that I am a gentle soul, but then thinks like this get back to me.
I am sorry. I am not perfect, I cannot change everything but I dont like being a hideous person who hurts her friends.
I think I will stop there, for now. Seems, this post is longer than my usual.
Go listen to Little Miss! :)
Its all about being down on luck, love, life and then pulling yourself together and knowing that it will be alright again and knowing that you are loved. (Or at least, that is what I get out of it).
Little miss heart beats wide open now, shes ready for love.
Thats me...
Or really, this whole song is me, currently.
I was in a funk about *that guy*, you know, the one that the past two poems are about.
Yes, something happened, I think I even wrote about it, and unsurprisingly I blew things out of proportion, but thats just me. One day there will be that person in my life that sees the way I blow things up, laugh at me, and then deflate my balloon, carefully so as to not depress me or hurt me unintentionally.
*That guy* is not the person to do this. Sure hes careful about what he says but thats just because (no surprise) I am too important in his life for him to let something like (god forbid) a relationship come between us. (Here's where I debunk the theory that a real relationship would come between us. I mean sure it could, but sometimes you gotta take a leap of faith and hope that things work out. We have been friends, we have even gone to the point where we dont talk. But you see we always seem to be thrown together. So man up dude, so what that we both have lives, no one said this was going to be easy. But I am telling you it could be worth it, you just gotta put yourself on the line. He says he doesnt want to take the chance of hurting me, or pushing me too far, but I think really its that he doesnt want to get hurt. But you know what I GET THAT!!! And I have never burned a bridge- I dont leave people out in the cold, even people I dont like. Everyone can get warmth from me- I am just not the type of person to stop talking/caring/loving. IT doesnt happen. Even the people who break my heart, I still talk to them.) Ok, so now THAT rant is over.
Next.
I have been on a kick of empowerment. *He* told me that I am one of the most important, dependable people in his life, and then he doesnt talk to me for days on end. Hello? Yea, sorry pal, but that doesnt work. I talk to the people who are important in my life at least once a day. Even if its just to say hey. So dont give me the bullshit about being super important. I get that you are working every day for the next 2 weeks, but you arent working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You are working maybe 12 hours a day. And its not like texting is hard.
Moral of my story here,
Its time for me to find a new obsession, because this one just isnt working for me anymore. I deserve more, someone who will love me and treat me wonderfully. (Yes, I will hold out for that- hopefully!) So, good thing that basketball season is starting- its the perfect thing to take my mind of that obsession. Traveling twice a week on a bus full of boys, how can a girl complain?!
And this song, Little Miss, its perfect. I feel like I am that person that will do anything for the people in her life, and help anyone and everyone who asks for it, but sometimes I feel like I dont take enough time for me.
I have 4 classes, 2 committees, 2 organizations that I have a leadership role in, I work for the athletic department, Traveling with the basketball team, not to mention social activities, and family activities. I dont have TIME for a boy- yet I still fantasize about having a boy.
I feel like I am the epitome of the girl that has everything yet still feels lost and lonely. I have good friends, I have an awesome family, I love myself (most days) but the thing that I want most, is the thing that still eludes me- a boyfriend. I know, I know, they arent all that wonderful, they arent worth the trouble, I dont need a boyfriend to be wonderful, having a boyfriend wont fill my void- I hear all the arguments. But needing and wanting are TOTALLY different- I dont NEED clothes, but I am a very modest person and desperately WANT them. I NEED glasses but I desperately dont WANT them. I get it, really I do...
But still, like all Americans, or humans for that matter, I want what isnt mine.
Sure I suppose it will happen some day.
New subject.
Honesty.
I am honest, its not something that I will apologize for.
I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but really, would you rather me lie to you?!
I only want one thing in return, honesty.
Seriously, if I say something that upsets you TELL ME, and dont be subtle about it. Say, "hey asshole, please stop talking about that subject, I dont like it it hurts me, it upsets me, etc". Look me in the eyes and tell me seriously. Because I hate hurting people, especially my friends. But the absolute worst thing you can do is tell other mutual friends that you are upset- because usually it gets back to me. Id like to think that I am a gentle soul, but then thinks like this get back to me.
I am sorry. I am not perfect, I cannot change everything but I dont like being a hideous person who hurts her friends.
I think I will stop there, for now. Seems, this post is longer than my usual.
Go listen to Little Miss! :)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Why wont you just give us a try?
I wish I could tell him
Its like a bad film
that doing nothing will push me away
I am not just some mold-able clay
sure I've always stuck around before
but what happens when I decide I want more?
What happens when I finally move on?
Does he not think that will break our bond?
No, I wont just leave him hanging
I dont like all or nothing
But that doesnt mean it will be good
Here, listen to this, bud.
Telling me you dont want to lose me
thats good, I wont flee
Telling me you dont know if its real or lust
well dear, thats just a bust.
I want to just shake you
Yep, til you turn blue
Why wont you just give us a try?
And if it ends, I promise I wont cry.
Poem number 2 in less than a week.... gotta love dealings of the heart!
Its like a bad film
that doing nothing will push me away
I am not just some mold-able clay
sure I've always stuck around before
but what happens when I decide I want more?
What happens when I finally move on?
Does he not think that will break our bond?
No, I wont just leave him hanging
I dont like all or nothing
But that doesnt mean it will be good
Here, listen to this, bud.
Telling me you dont want to lose me
thats good, I wont flee
Telling me you dont know if its real or lust
well dear, thats just a bust.
I want to just shake you
Yep, til you turn blue
Why wont you just give us a try?
And if it ends, I promise I wont cry.
Poem number 2 in less than a week.... gotta love dealings of the heart!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
A month, day by day
I saw this on another blog, and thought that it would be an interesting experiment. So here goes:
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 1: I really hate my insecurities, I know ways in which I can open up to the ones around me but I am always scared. I always think through things too much.
Day 01 Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Day 1: I really hate my insecurities, I know ways in which I can open up to the ones around me but I am always scared. I always think through things too much.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Miss you
You say we are best friends.
But when it comes to one of the biggest talks that we need to have and I say my peace you peace out and I dont hear from you in more than a day.
I miss you.
Please talk to me about this.
We can get through this.
No matter what, pushing me away, it doesnt work.
We know this, we've tried the not talking part.
Oh well, tonight I sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
But when it comes to one of the biggest talks that we need to have and I say my peace you peace out and I dont hear from you in more than a day.
I miss you.
Please talk to me about this.
We can get through this.
No matter what, pushing me away, it doesnt work.
We know this, we've tried the not talking part.
Oh well, tonight I sleep.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Dizzy
Both literally and emotionally.
I dont do the whole waiting game well, unless I have a defined timeline.
So I got my answer tonight.
And then some silence.
We deserve this, if nothing else, to give it a try.
But its time for him to make up his mind.
And so I will give him a few days.
Dont keep me out friend,
I can take it, no matter what it is.
I am strong enough.
I promise.
I dont do the whole waiting game well, unless I have a defined timeline.
So I got my answer tonight.
And then some silence.
We deserve this, if nothing else, to give it a try.
But its time for him to make up his mind.
And so I will give him a few days.
Dont keep me out friend,
I can take it, no matter what it is.
I am strong enough.
I promise.
Could it be
I wanna talk to him, hes one of my best friends.
But I am giving him his space. I texted first yesterday to show that we could talk and be normal without having the dreaded conversation, but I dont want to be pushy, or needy.
So I wait.
And then the thought occurred to me, was he reaching out to my friends to make things easier for the two of us? Did he want to resolve things because new things were happening? Yesterday my main feelings were paranoia, today, it seems I'm optimistic.
Wouldnt it be great to just tuck this into a drawer in my head, and close it until its time for our talk? Yea, if only.
I want to be cute, playful, flirty and carefree, but its just not me. I think too much, obsess a little and freak out over the smallest things.
Funny story though, my horoscopes for the past couple of days have been right on the mark. And today's seems like its a good time for a talk, hopefully it will happen.
But I am giving him his space. I texted first yesterday to show that we could talk and be normal without having the dreaded conversation, but I dont want to be pushy, or needy.
So I wait.
And then the thought occurred to me, was he reaching out to my friends to make things easier for the two of us? Did he want to resolve things because new things were happening? Yesterday my main feelings were paranoia, today, it seems I'm optimistic.
Wouldnt it be great to just tuck this into a drawer in my head, and close it until its time for our talk? Yea, if only.
I want to be cute, playful, flirty and carefree, but its just not me. I think too much, obsess a little and freak out over the smallest things.
Funny story though, my horoscopes for the past couple of days have been right on the mark. And today's seems like its a good time for a talk, hopefully it will happen.
Monday, October 11, 2010
All caught up
Since Friday I've been all caught up on you
on us, on the things I didnt do
It reminded me of that night last June
But nothings changed
I dont think you really want me
You just want a fuck buddy
Thats not going to happen pal
so can we just have the conversation now?
The "im not good at making plans"
and "your one of my best friends"
followed by "i didnt really mean that,
but I just couldnt seem to hold back."
You see I may be shy, and quiet
But around you my heart takes flight
I know what I want, well mostly
You make me feel like im floating
And thats a feeling I dont want to lose
But its time to put back on the shoes
Its time to woman up and hold my chin high
Because really, your nothing more than just another guy
Show me that you care
show me that you can play fair
and maybe I'll let you in
but until then I cant give in
Not if I want to prevent a crack
and keep my heart largely intact.
wow, I dont think words have flown out of me that well or that fast in a long time. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak- here we go! Its gonna be a wild ride. :)
on us, on the things I didnt do
It reminded me of that night last June
But nothings changed
I dont think you really want me
You just want a fuck buddy
Thats not going to happen pal
so can we just have the conversation now?
The "im not good at making plans"
and "your one of my best friends"
followed by "i didnt really mean that,
but I just couldnt seem to hold back."
You see I may be shy, and quiet
But around you my heart takes flight
I know what I want, well mostly
You make me feel like im floating
And thats a feeling I dont want to lose
But its time to put back on the shoes
Its time to woman up and hold my chin high
Because really, your nothing more than just another guy
Show me that you care
show me that you can play fair
and maybe I'll let you in
but until then I cant give in
Not if I want to prevent a crack
and keep my heart largely intact.
wow, I dont think words have flown out of me that well or that fast in a long time. I must be setting myself up for heartbreak- here we go! Its gonna be a wild ride. :)
Waiting game
I am not good at the waiting game.
I want to know everything about everyone and anything.
I want to know why you had a good 7am wake up call, who called you?
I dont want to be the rebound- thats no good.
Maybe I should nip this in the bud, stop it before I go all crazy over it.
Too late
I want to know everything, tell me everything.
Friends, partners, lovers. Thats what I want.
What do you want?
I want to know everything about everyone and anything.
I want to know why you had a good 7am wake up call, who called you?
I dont want to be the rebound- thats no good.
Maybe I should nip this in the bud, stop it before I go all crazy over it.
Too late
I want to know everything, tell me everything.
Friends, partners, lovers. Thats what I want.
What do you want?
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Blunt
Yep, all it took was one night and I am head over heels again.
But at the same time, I feel our dynamic has changed, who knows, maybe im just making it up because I want it to be true.
Time to step lightly, move slowly.
I can do this, I can get through this.
He doesnt get the power in all this
I do, its my life, its my choice
I dont care if he calls me a tease
or a jerk
If this is going somewhere
I get to make the important decisions
And if he doesnt like it,
well, it wont go anywhere now will it?
But at the same time, I feel our dynamic has changed, who knows, maybe im just making it up because I want it to be true.
Time to step lightly, move slowly.
I can do this, I can get through this.
He doesnt get the power in all this
I do, its my life, its my choice
I dont care if he calls me a tease
or a jerk
If this is going somewhere
I get to make the important decisions
And if he doesnt like it,
well, it wont go anywhere now will it?
Friday, October 08, 2010
Mixed Signals
I know he wasnt drunk. I know I wasnt drunk.
So why was he nuzzling me like we were dating?
Why?
I told him he wasnt playing fair, I told him it was a jerky move.
Because even though he was nuzzling on me, I am pretty sure we are still in the same place we have been for over a year- friends. Thats it. Thats all.
So why the hell is he nuzzling me?
Yes, I am over thinking this, but dang it, no boy nuzzles me, ever, so I have a right to think about it too much.
Nuzzling my neck, my ear, stroking my face, kissing my neck, my cheek. It was like we were living in a Christian Romance novel, and it was awesome, amazing. I felt like we were two puzzle pieces in that moment that fit together just right.
But at the end of the day, I know he doesnt feel the same way, hes barely talked to me all day. We should have talked about it before he left. We need to draw some lines.
Emotionally, I cant handle the teasing, the nuzzling and then nothing- its not fair to me.
Either you want me or you dont, you dont get to have things both ways. So pal, make up your mind!
So why was he nuzzling me like we were dating?
Why?
I told him he wasnt playing fair, I told him it was a jerky move.
Because even though he was nuzzling on me, I am pretty sure we are still in the same place we have been for over a year- friends. Thats it. Thats all.
So why the hell is he nuzzling me?
Yes, I am over thinking this, but dang it, no boy nuzzles me, ever, so I have a right to think about it too much.
Nuzzling my neck, my ear, stroking my face, kissing my neck, my cheek. It was like we were living in a Christian Romance novel, and it was awesome, amazing. I felt like we were two puzzle pieces in that moment that fit together just right.
But at the end of the day, I know he doesnt feel the same way, hes barely talked to me all day. We should have talked about it before he left. We need to draw some lines.
Emotionally, I cant handle the teasing, the nuzzling and then nothing- its not fair to me.
Either you want me or you dont, you dont get to have things both ways. So pal, make up your mind!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Theres so much more
Im not the girl you think I am. I want to shout that to everyone that I have ever known. No one knows me like I know me, or at least that should be the case right? At the moment I feel lost, pedaling quickly into an oblivion that I am not sure I want to be in, but my brakes wont work, so instead of turning around, instead of trying to brake with my feet, I am pedaling faster, I am so terrified of what is coming at me that I just cant slow down.
And at the same time, I feel that even I dont know who I am.
Maybe I am the girl you think I am, but honestly I dont WANT to be that girl.
I dont want to be the suck up, the always happy, always bouncy girl that some people think I am. I dont want to be a complete terror either though. I dont want the mood swings of PMS to be a part of my everyday life, its NO fun.
You know what I want?
I want to be a pleasant person to be around- someone who is not too cheery but who can talk to anyone. I want people to respect me because I respect them, I want people to think that I am approachable. I want my smile to be inviting, and to put people at ease.
But most of all, I want a person to stand by me, to compliment me with their personality, but someone who loves me with no holds barred.
And a house, a job, some pets. I want it all.
So maybe all this pedaling is just pushing me towards those goals. But I feel like I am in hyperdrive and that I might miss something- please bike, legs, god, whatever, let me slow down, I only have one chance, and I want to make the best of everything that I am given.
So, here's to finding my compliment, man, I sure hope he's out there somewhere.
And at the same time, I feel that even I dont know who I am.
Maybe I am the girl you think I am, but honestly I dont WANT to be that girl.
I dont want to be the suck up, the always happy, always bouncy girl that some people think I am. I dont want to be a complete terror either though. I dont want the mood swings of PMS to be a part of my everyday life, its NO fun.
You know what I want?
I want to be a pleasant person to be around- someone who is not too cheery but who can talk to anyone. I want people to respect me because I respect them, I want people to think that I am approachable. I want my smile to be inviting, and to put people at ease.
But most of all, I want a person to stand by me, to compliment me with their personality, but someone who loves me with no holds barred.
And a house, a job, some pets. I want it all.
So maybe all this pedaling is just pushing me towards those goals. But I feel like I am in hyperdrive and that I might miss something- please bike, legs, god, whatever, let me slow down, I only have one chance, and I want to make the best of everything that I am given.
So, here's to finding my compliment, man, I sure hope he's out there somewhere.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Another year has passed
Yet I think of you constantly still.
And miss you
I love you grandma.
You were wonderful
And will never be forgotten
I dedicate this day to you
I hope that you are proud of the woman that I am becoming
And that you know I celebrate you, everyday
And miss you
I love you grandma.
You were wonderful
And will never be forgotten
I dedicate this day to you
I hope that you are proud of the woman that I am becoming
And that you know I celebrate you, everyday
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Growing up.... Maybe?
Once upon a time I had a HUGE crush on a guy that I also considered to be my best friend. And when I say huge I mean that this crush, it took up like my ENTIRE life, my brothers knew about it, and anyone that I was introduced to who became my friend well they got the whole saga.
The whole saga which, summed up is:
I met this kid on the bus, I instantly thought he was cute- I was 7 years old?! Anyway, things happened quite quickly. I fell head over heels. And that crush ruled my life. All I thought about was Timmy. He was one of my best friends, but I got jealous of the attention that he gave other girls. And I am fairly certain that he knew, although I didnt tell him myself until August 2004. But we didnt stay close, I was consumed in my crush on him, and it crushed me- emotionally. I was miserable. But I tried so hard to not let it affect things in my life- I was fairly good at compartmentalizing and so life went on. He and his family moved away December 2002 and the last time that we hung out was April 23, 2004- my 15th birthday party, and he made it special for me. But yet I was still consumed by this crush. And I think that mostly I couldnt understand why nothing happened- I sent him all the right "I like you" signals, or so I thought. I didnt understand that maybe he just didnt like me. That I really was just a good friend and like a sister, and no one really wants to date their brother/sister.
And then I went to college, and no one from there knows about Timmy. (Granted there was a second Tim that I full on crushed on, but thats a different story) I was handed a clean plate. That was a time to let go, it made perfect sense, right?
Yea, well apparently I was not ready to let go. I still defined myself by that crush, and it was kind of debilitating- emotionally anyway. I was shocked to learn that these people didnt know about Timmy, and I am pretty sure I told them all, multiple times maybe.
But the bottom line was, I wasnt really conveying how much I liked the kid. I felt as if people didnt understand that I loved that kid. Now, some would say that it happened in the past, and the past is the past so let it go. But I dont let go of things easily- I am getting better, but I still obsess mercilessly over things that are 70% NOT under my control!
So what has happened? Why am I writing this post, and where am I going with this?
Well yesterday my head collided with information. Timmy didnt like me, ever. Sure, I was a good friend and even at one point I was like a sister. But I was pushy, and lovesick and eventually I was NOT fun to be around. (lol).
THATS IT
The thought.
The thought, that for me is
L I F E C H A N G I N G ! !
Really?!
Yes, really.
I was SOO focused on my crush, so lovesick, so infatuated, so annoyingly pushy. That I lost a friend- someone, that I, between the ages of 7 and 15 was convinced that if I didnt end up with him than life was not complete. We were so PERFECT for each other. (haha, yea right).
Anyway...
I was so focused on that, that I was no longer a friend, and I bet I was not a fun person to be around.
My crush, crushed ME!
WOW, man.
So, whats next?
Well, I have to admit, I did friend request him on facebook. But I dont know that I expect anything to come out of that.
Regardless, MY take home lesson from this:
I, me, Jessica Carnes, cannot, CANNOT let herself get so caught up in a crush.
What does that mean?
It means that sure, like someone, crush on them, have dreams about them. But for goodness sake, dont be super obsessive. BE MYSELF. Do not try to change everything about me to like all the things that he likes.
Bottom line
I (me, you, we) must ALWAYS be my (your, our) own individual.
This is me, I am Jessica Carnes, and I am no longer defined by Timmy. I am defined by myself, my own experiences, and yes Timmy is ONE of those, but he is JUST ONE of those! :)
Good Luck to the rest of you individuals out there! :)
The whole saga which, summed up is:
I met this kid on the bus, I instantly thought he was cute- I was 7 years old?! Anyway, things happened quite quickly. I fell head over heels. And that crush ruled my life. All I thought about was Timmy. He was one of my best friends, but I got jealous of the attention that he gave other girls. And I am fairly certain that he knew, although I didnt tell him myself until August 2004. But we didnt stay close, I was consumed in my crush on him, and it crushed me- emotionally. I was miserable. But I tried so hard to not let it affect things in my life- I was fairly good at compartmentalizing and so life went on. He and his family moved away December 2002 and the last time that we hung out was April 23, 2004- my 15th birthday party, and he made it special for me. But yet I was still consumed by this crush. And I think that mostly I couldnt understand why nothing happened- I sent him all the right "I like you" signals, or so I thought. I didnt understand that maybe he just didnt like me. That I really was just a good friend and like a sister, and no one really wants to date their brother/sister.
And then I went to college, and no one from there knows about Timmy. (Granted there was a second Tim that I full on crushed on, but thats a different story) I was handed a clean plate. That was a time to let go, it made perfect sense, right?
Yea, well apparently I was not ready to let go. I still defined myself by that crush, and it was kind of debilitating- emotionally anyway. I was shocked to learn that these people didnt know about Timmy, and I am pretty sure I told them all, multiple times maybe.
But the bottom line was, I wasnt really conveying how much I liked the kid. I felt as if people didnt understand that I loved that kid. Now, some would say that it happened in the past, and the past is the past so let it go. But I dont let go of things easily- I am getting better, but I still obsess mercilessly over things that are 70% NOT under my control!
So what has happened? Why am I writing this post, and where am I going with this?
Well yesterday my head collided with information. Timmy didnt like me, ever. Sure, I was a good friend and even at one point I was like a sister. But I was pushy, and lovesick and eventually I was NOT fun to be around. (lol).
THATS IT
The thought.
The thought, that for me is
L I F E C H A N G I N G ! !
Really?!
Yes, really.
I was SOO focused on my crush, so lovesick, so infatuated, so annoyingly pushy. That I lost a friend- someone, that I, between the ages of 7 and 15 was convinced that if I didnt end up with him than life was not complete. We were so PERFECT for each other. (haha, yea right).
Anyway...
I was so focused on that, that I was no longer a friend, and I bet I was not a fun person to be around.
My crush, crushed ME!
WOW, man.
So, whats next?
Well, I have to admit, I did friend request him on facebook. But I dont know that I expect anything to come out of that.
Regardless, MY take home lesson from this:
I, me, Jessica Carnes, cannot, CANNOT let herself get so caught up in a crush.
What does that mean?
It means that sure, like someone, crush on them, have dreams about them. But for goodness sake, dont be super obsessive. BE MYSELF. Do not try to change everything about me to like all the things that he likes.
Bottom line
I (me, you, we) must ALWAYS be my (your, our) own individual.
This is me, I am Jessica Carnes, and I am no longer defined by Timmy. I am defined by myself, my own experiences, and yes Timmy is ONE of those, but he is JUST ONE of those! :)
Good Luck to the rest of you individuals out there! :)
Sunday, August 08, 2010
You Already Know
By Train.
That person, you know, the one who always came running to me when he had a problem? The one who told me he didnt want to lose me because I was more than just a friend, I was more like a best friend? Yea, he hasnt contacted me in roughly 3 weeks. And honestly, though it feels a little weird, I am kinda loving the fact that he is no longer in my life. Its like a deep sigh, of relief. He pulled away so I dont have to worry about not being there for him, he brought this on himself. Will I completely delete him from my life? No, I dont think so, I dont like burning bridges, but I might, just might delete him from my phone!
There are so many people in my life that love me, and who I love. Now, I can spend more time with those who bother for some back and forth conversation, rather than just contacting me when its most convenient.
Besides, though I dont know that I would ever tell it to his face, I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who wants to show me the world, someone who really honestly cares for me. And I am not sure that he cared for anything more than himself and not being lonely.
But the world is a lonely place, and if you dont learn how to be lonely, you arent gonna learn how to really appreciate company, and love them for how they help you in life. Yes, that sounds selfish, but if you cannot appreciate how others help your life then theres no way in hell that you will be able to see how you help others in their lifes.
Regardless of all that, and feeling selfish once again, but I feel as if this is my time, my year. And I am so excited for it, seriously, its gonna be awesome. And well, if I am wrong, thats ok too... I am just ready for this chapter!
That person, you know, the one who always came running to me when he had a problem? The one who told me he didnt want to lose me because I was more than just a friend, I was more like a best friend? Yea, he hasnt contacted me in roughly 3 weeks. And honestly, though it feels a little weird, I am kinda loving the fact that he is no longer in my life. Its like a deep sigh, of relief. He pulled away so I dont have to worry about not being there for him, he brought this on himself. Will I completely delete him from my life? No, I dont think so, I dont like burning bridges, but I might, just might delete him from my phone!
There are so many people in my life that love me, and who I love. Now, I can spend more time with those who bother for some back and forth conversation, rather than just contacting me when its most convenient.
Besides, though I dont know that I would ever tell it to his face, I deserve better than him. I deserve someone who wants to show me the world, someone who really honestly cares for me. And I am not sure that he cared for anything more than himself and not being lonely.
But the world is a lonely place, and if you dont learn how to be lonely, you arent gonna learn how to really appreciate company, and love them for how they help you in life. Yes, that sounds selfish, but if you cannot appreciate how others help your life then theres no way in hell that you will be able to see how you help others in their lifes.
Regardless of all that, and feeling selfish once again, but I feel as if this is my time, my year. And I am so excited for it, seriously, its gonna be awesome. And well, if I am wrong, thats ok too... I am just ready for this chapter!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Cant Call Love
Sarah Darling
Had almost a mental breakdown today, tonight. I made a "suggestion" to hang out with him. We were just gonna watch a movie. But there were storms, and I am terrified of storms so I bagged out, and a couple of times he almost talked me into going anyway. But ultimately I stayed. And I think it wasnt that I was worried about the storms, I mean I definitely was, but it was more than that. I wasnt worried about spending time with him, or getting back late- I mean ALL these things contributed but there was something more. Why was I having such a hard time with this decision. It wasnt just these things, or the fact that I was backing out on something that I said I would do, nope there was even something more.
He mentioned something, twice... and I think that was the root of everything "You would be safe here"
Those 5 words, hit a chord in me.
I know I would be safe there. He would take care of me, I am sure. But you see, it would mean more to me than I think it would mean to him. He is going through a possible break up. But he was the closest I've ever really had to a good relationship. And though I think I might be getting better, I still care about him, a lot. And hes a smooth talker and I know hes not gonna do anything that I wouldnt want to do. But what I want, especially during a storm is someone to hold me in their arms and protect me, keep me safe. However, I cannot go running to James when I feel insecure. Sometimes I have to stand up and be tall and be brave for myself.
I want nothing more to be safe somewhere with him, but it is not the right time for that.
Ok well, here come those storms, Im gonna go hide somewhere. Goodnight world, may you be able to stand on your own two feet even when it hurts the most.
Had almost a mental breakdown today, tonight. I made a "suggestion" to hang out with him. We were just gonna watch a movie. But there were storms, and I am terrified of storms so I bagged out, and a couple of times he almost talked me into going anyway. But ultimately I stayed. And I think it wasnt that I was worried about the storms, I mean I definitely was, but it was more than that. I wasnt worried about spending time with him, or getting back late- I mean ALL these things contributed but there was something more. Why was I having such a hard time with this decision. It wasnt just these things, or the fact that I was backing out on something that I said I would do, nope there was even something more.
He mentioned something, twice... and I think that was the root of everything "You would be safe here"
Those 5 words, hit a chord in me.
I know I would be safe there. He would take care of me, I am sure. But you see, it would mean more to me than I think it would mean to him. He is going through a possible break up. But he was the closest I've ever really had to a good relationship. And though I think I might be getting better, I still care about him, a lot. And hes a smooth talker and I know hes not gonna do anything that I wouldnt want to do. But what I want, especially during a storm is someone to hold me in their arms and protect me, keep me safe. However, I cannot go running to James when I feel insecure. Sometimes I have to stand up and be tall and be brave for myself.
I want nothing more to be safe somewhere with him, but it is not the right time for that.
Ok well, here come those storms, Im gonna go hide somewhere. Goodnight world, may you be able to stand on your own two feet even when it hurts the most.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Ready to Love Again
Lady Antebellum.
So I gave him an ultimatum. And I dont know if he is playing me or not, but things have gotten better. We have a fun relationship, I laugh when I get a text from him because we end up teasing each other. We make light of the serious stuff, because sometimes thats the best you can do. But talking to him has been fun again, lately. No, I dont think I am quite over him yet, I am rational enough to know that takes some time, but I am climbing up the latter, out of the sewer. I dont plan on getting sucked back down again, however, if he decides to climb out with me, well I make no promises.
Regardless, some of the lyrics to the song above are:
Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, oh
Scared of love and scared of life alone
Seems I been playing on the safe side lately
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But its time for me to let it go
Chorus
Yeah, Im ready to feel now
No longer am I fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess Im ready to love again
And that kind of basically sums up how I am feeling. I dont know if I will get some love in return, but thats ok. Because regardless of everything else, one has to first love themself before one can truly love others. And as before I am really working on loving myself. I have difficult moments, but I am getting there, slowly but surely.
So to anyone who is reading this, find one trait in yourself that makes you happy.
It can be anything, I for instance love my legs- below my knees, my smile- because almost everyone compliments me on it, and the new thing: myself in business casual clothes. In fact, seeing myself in the business casual clothes has inspired me to work a little harder on losing some weight.
By golly, I sometimes think I might be growing up! Haha. I recently bought a planner, apples some yogurt and I am more conscious every day of the money that I am spending. Granted, I am not perfect yet, but hey, is anyone ever really perfect? Nah, so its all good. The bottom line is that we all work to make ourselves better.
Moral of todays rant: take it a day at a time, a step, a moment or even 30 seconds at a time, and eventually things will get better, I think! :) Good luck.
So I gave him an ultimatum. And I dont know if he is playing me or not, but things have gotten better. We have a fun relationship, I laugh when I get a text from him because we end up teasing each other. We make light of the serious stuff, because sometimes thats the best you can do. But talking to him has been fun again, lately. No, I dont think I am quite over him yet, I am rational enough to know that takes some time, but I am climbing up the latter, out of the sewer. I dont plan on getting sucked back down again, however, if he decides to climb out with me, well I make no promises.
Regardless, some of the lyrics to the song above are:
Seems I was walking in the wrong direction
I barely recognized my own reflection, oh
Scared of love and scared of life alone
Seems I been playing on the safe side lately
Building walls around my heart to save me, oh
But its time for me to let it go
Chorus
Yeah, Im ready to feel now
No longer am I fraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess Im ready to love again
And that kind of basically sums up how I am feeling. I dont know if I will get some love in return, but thats ok. Because regardless of everything else, one has to first love themself before one can truly love others. And as before I am really working on loving myself. I have difficult moments, but I am getting there, slowly but surely.
So to anyone who is reading this, find one trait in yourself that makes you happy.
It can be anything, I for instance love my legs- below my knees, my smile- because almost everyone compliments me on it, and the new thing: myself in business casual clothes. In fact, seeing myself in the business casual clothes has inspired me to work a little harder on losing some weight.
By golly, I sometimes think I might be growing up! Haha. I recently bought a planner, apples some yogurt and I am more conscious every day of the money that I am spending. Granted, I am not perfect yet, but hey, is anyone ever really perfect? Nah, so its all good. The bottom line is that we all work to make ourselves better.
Moral of todays rant: take it a day at a time, a step, a moment or even 30 seconds at a time, and eventually things will get better, I think! :) Good luck.
Who am I kidding
I am still hung up on you. There I have admitted it. And when you told me that she had left you, it was all I could do not to celebrate. But apparently you are still hung up on her, and I guess you are entitled because you all dated for a solid 8 months, almost exactly, but I mean who's counting? Damn, kid. I want you to be mine. I mean sure you come running to me like a little hound dog with its tail tucked everytime something bad or sad happens, and then when the good things happen you come running to me like a beagle that has caught what he was hunting, but I want to be more than the person you tell about the good and bad things. I want to be there WITH you, experiencing those things WITH you, helping you through them by being by your side and not through a computer or phone.
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Love who you love
By Rascal Flatts
One of the hardest, but best qualities to cultivate is the love for yourself. Or maybe its just me that finds it hard. But I truly believe that finding a love for myself will help me in all aspects of my life. And you know, for some reason, turning 21 mellowed me out. I feel happier now than I have been in a LONG time.
Keys to loving myself: knowing that I am not perfect all the time, being happy with the life I lead, contributing to society, running, telling those that I love that I love them.
Lately though, the hardest thing for me is giving up pieces of myself to others, so that they can be a bigger part of my life. Learning how to actually greet people is a struggle.
But my biggest struggle right now is with a specific someone. He said something about me not calling him today, and well my gut reaction was: you are right, I dont call you, but that is because any time that I think about calling you its when I am struggling with something, whether its an internal struggle or external. And I have decided that I have to learn how to rescue myself before I can let others rescue me. In the past I have put too much faith in finding the right person that will make everything better. But really, its me, I am the right person. And if I have a companion, fantastic, but I need to really honest to goodness love myself first.
So, heres to saving myself, I dont need no stinkin prince! :)
One of the hardest, but best qualities to cultivate is the love for yourself. Or maybe its just me that finds it hard. But I truly believe that finding a love for myself will help me in all aspects of my life. And you know, for some reason, turning 21 mellowed me out. I feel happier now than I have been in a LONG time.
Keys to loving myself: knowing that I am not perfect all the time, being happy with the life I lead, contributing to society, running, telling those that I love that I love them.
Lately though, the hardest thing for me is giving up pieces of myself to others, so that they can be a bigger part of my life. Learning how to actually greet people is a struggle.
But my biggest struggle right now is with a specific someone. He said something about me not calling him today, and well my gut reaction was: you are right, I dont call you, but that is because any time that I think about calling you its when I am struggling with something, whether its an internal struggle or external. And I have decided that I have to learn how to rescue myself before I can let others rescue me. In the past I have put too much faith in finding the right person that will make everything better. But really, its me, I am the right person. And if I have a companion, fantastic, but I need to really honest to goodness love myself first.
So, heres to saving myself, I dont need no stinkin prince! :)
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Mine all Mine
Its a Shedaisy song.
First of all, this life is mine all mine. Second, I am learning how to be happy with me. Slowly, one day at a time, I am starting to figure it out. Even starting to figure out things with boys. I have a great friend who honestly I really couldnt ask for a better guy in my corner, at least one who isnt related. And he even knows and is going through the same things that I am.
So, I got distracted and didnt finish writing what I wanted to write, so moral of the story, be yourself, do what YOU want to do, and as one of my oldest friends told me the other day: "Life will be what you want it to be. You will have that man in your life that makes you smile. And that is very important. But if you don’t have that man.. you will still smile."
Here's to being happy, even if its for one moment in a day, one day in a month, one month in a year and one year in 10. :)
First of all, this life is mine all mine. Second, I am learning how to be happy with me. Slowly, one day at a time, I am starting to figure it out. Even starting to figure out things with boys. I have a great friend who honestly I really couldnt ask for a better guy in my corner, at least one who isnt related. And he even knows and is going through the same things that I am.
So, I got distracted and didnt finish writing what I wanted to write, so moral of the story, be yourself, do what YOU want to do, and as one of my oldest friends told me the other day: "Life will be what you want it to be. You will have that man in your life that makes you smile. And that is very important. But if you don’t have that man.. you will still smile."
Here's to being happy, even if its for one moment in a day, one day in a month, one month in a year and one year in 10. :)
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Happy Birthday, its a big one!
So, now its a day after my birthday. And I feel almost as if I missed it! Oh well.
Our favorite person called me yesterday, talked to me for 22 minutes and didnt even wish me happy birthday! But liked talking to me when he passed his crash site (where he totaled his Jeep last August) because I calm him down. Seriously?! He calls me, not his girlfriend? I don't get it, I just don't. Can ANYONE explain this to me??
People tell me that he's got me on the back burner, there just in case. And that he contacts me because he knows that I wont ignore him. But what I see is a strong woman that makes him come to me. Sure, I'll initiate conversation some, but its mostly him. At least 7 times out of 10 he talks to me first, whether its on facebook, or calling me. Granted if we have a text conversation, I generally text him first. But still, 7 times out of 10. There's gotta be some sort of subconscious appeal there, right? I dont know, I am totally confused.
Don't get me wrong, I don't MIND talking to him often. And it kinda makes me secretly smile that HE generally makes initial contact. But overall, big picture, I am kind of confused.
So, who's got answers for me?!
As for my birthday... how do I feel about being 21?
Well...
My grandma was married at 19.
One of my brothers got married at 21, his wife was 20 at the time. They had their first kid within a year.
My oldest brother was born 11 days before my dad turned 22.
My other sister-in-law had just turned 22 when she married my brother. They too had their first kid within a year.
In short... I feel a little behind the times.
Sure, my mom was 27 when she married my dad, and then waited another 3 years before I was born.
But I've always said I wanted to get married at 23 and have kids at 25, and well that really, REALLY doesnt look too promising. Which is kind of saddening.
On the other hand, I am USUALLY happy with my life. I mean I want to finish school and grad school and have a career and such, but I still WANT a man in my life, ya know?! lol.
Ok, birthday rant over... OH and I didnt cry on my birthday this year! :)
Our favorite person called me yesterday, talked to me for 22 minutes and didnt even wish me happy birthday! But liked talking to me when he passed his crash site (where he totaled his Jeep last August) because I calm him down. Seriously?! He calls me, not his girlfriend? I don't get it, I just don't. Can ANYONE explain this to me??
People tell me that he's got me on the back burner, there just in case. And that he contacts me because he knows that I wont ignore him. But what I see is a strong woman that makes him come to me. Sure, I'll initiate conversation some, but its mostly him. At least 7 times out of 10 he talks to me first, whether its on facebook, or calling me. Granted if we have a text conversation, I generally text him first. But still, 7 times out of 10. There's gotta be some sort of subconscious appeal there, right? I dont know, I am totally confused.
Don't get me wrong, I don't MIND talking to him often. And it kinda makes me secretly smile that HE generally makes initial contact. But overall, big picture, I am kind of confused.
So, who's got answers for me?!
As for my birthday... how do I feel about being 21?
Well...
My grandma was married at 19.
One of my brothers got married at 21, his wife was 20 at the time. They had their first kid within a year.
My oldest brother was born 11 days before my dad turned 22.
My other sister-in-law had just turned 22 when she married my brother. They too had their first kid within a year.
In short... I feel a little behind the times.
Sure, my mom was 27 when she married my dad, and then waited another 3 years before I was born.
But I've always said I wanted to get married at 23 and have kids at 25, and well that really, REALLY doesnt look too promising. Which is kind of saddening.
On the other hand, I am USUALLY happy with my life. I mean I want to finish school and grad school and have a career and such, but I still WANT a man in my life, ya know?! lol.
Ok, birthday rant over... OH and I didnt cry on my birthday this year! :)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Wonder where I've been, where I am going.
People say that he keeps me around because I am a safe bet, someone to fall back on. You know, a sense of security. And that may be true, but geez, the comfort I feel talking to him. I know he has a girlfriend, I know that he isnt necessarily the person that I want him to be, but he is my friend, and we as people look beyond imprefections in friends. I mean no one is perfect, and we are not always going to get along with the person that is our friend, so why do we always expect perfection in relationships? Its not fair to anyone.
Regardless, I am happy in life once again, not troubled with the heartwrenching feelings that I am not good enough, that I am too fat, or ugly or asymmetrical. But rather rejoice in the fact that I am me. I smile, a lot, and I love sports, and I get giddy at some of the smallest things, but thats ok, and I am loved. No matter what happens my brothers love me- they may roll their eyes at me, but they do love me. And my parents are some of the most supporting parents in the world. And my grandma, man, she is just plain fantastic. My friends, well like the tides, our intensity of friendship ebbs and flows but I know that they love me in their own way, and I them.
Back to him. He has talked to me almost every day this week, is it a good thing? I dont know. I dont know how to define anything that happens between us, I mean I guess we are friends. It seems as though we are friends, but you know, even though he has a girlfriend there is still that undercurrent. Something is there, and I try to ignore it, because we made a decision last summer that we werent gonna define ourselves in that way. But the other night, I laid down to go to sleep, thinking of him because he was the last person I talked to and the images that flashed in my head as I closed my eyes were kisses, lots of them. I am not saying that they mean anything in the real world, but obviously there are connections drawn in my mind. Damn, you know? I thought I was getting rid of those!
Obviously, as a person trying to sift through emotions, one of the things that I could do is cut him out of my life. But really, I'm not that kind of person, you have to seriously hurt me physically or emotionally to be deleted out of my life, or delete me first. And he hasnt done that. You know, I never really thought that people could split amicably but now I realize that it isnt necessarily not hurting, but rather the best decision for the time. And, I gotta say, I have no regrets.
I do however, have lots of memories, and dates tied to him.
3-20 First met him
4-22 Bowling, and at midnight everyone sang me happy birthday,and when he left he said Happy Birthday to me
5-14 Calling him and leaving him a voicemail when I was drunk off my ass.
5-19 He came home with me and left an impression on my parents
6-6 I went and stayed the night at his apartment
Week of July 4- He told my sister in law that he wanted me for more than just a booty call, but rather for a relationship
7-11 I decide that having no contact with him would be in my best interest
7-25 I decide that I cant not have contact with him and he tells me that not talking to me had been "killing him"
And then dates get fuzzy for a while because we had lots of ups and downs.
The funny thing about all these dates, is that never have I remembered so many dates in connection with 1 person. I mean, seriously. I dont even remember when my first date with Matt was.
Oh well. I guess every person that comes into one's life leaves their own footprints. Whether they are emotions, dates, or even both. Its those moments, those solitary moments that you shared with certain people, that make everything else worthwhile.
So heres to the moments in our lives with the people that we love, the people that confuse the hell out of us, or even the people that we love to hate.
P.S. Sleep and I need to become friends once again!
Regardless, I am happy in life once again, not troubled with the heartwrenching feelings that I am not good enough, that I am too fat, or ugly or asymmetrical. But rather rejoice in the fact that I am me. I smile, a lot, and I love sports, and I get giddy at some of the smallest things, but thats ok, and I am loved. No matter what happens my brothers love me- they may roll their eyes at me, but they do love me. And my parents are some of the most supporting parents in the world. And my grandma, man, she is just plain fantastic. My friends, well like the tides, our intensity of friendship ebbs and flows but I know that they love me in their own way, and I them.
Back to him. He has talked to me almost every day this week, is it a good thing? I dont know. I dont know how to define anything that happens between us, I mean I guess we are friends. It seems as though we are friends, but you know, even though he has a girlfriend there is still that undercurrent. Something is there, and I try to ignore it, because we made a decision last summer that we werent gonna define ourselves in that way. But the other night, I laid down to go to sleep, thinking of him because he was the last person I talked to and the images that flashed in my head as I closed my eyes were kisses, lots of them. I am not saying that they mean anything in the real world, but obviously there are connections drawn in my mind. Damn, you know? I thought I was getting rid of those!
Obviously, as a person trying to sift through emotions, one of the things that I could do is cut him out of my life. But really, I'm not that kind of person, you have to seriously hurt me physically or emotionally to be deleted out of my life, or delete me first. And he hasnt done that. You know, I never really thought that people could split amicably but now I realize that it isnt necessarily not hurting, but rather the best decision for the time. And, I gotta say, I have no regrets.
I do however, have lots of memories, and dates tied to him.
3-20 First met him
4-22 Bowling, and at midnight everyone sang me happy birthday,and when he left he said Happy Birthday to me
5-14 Calling him and leaving him a voicemail when I was drunk off my ass.
5-19 He came home with me and left an impression on my parents
6-6 I went and stayed the night at his apartment
Week of July 4- He told my sister in law that he wanted me for more than just a booty call, but rather for a relationship
7-11 I decide that having no contact with him would be in my best interest
7-25 I decide that I cant not have contact with him and he tells me that not talking to me had been "killing him"
And then dates get fuzzy for a while because we had lots of ups and downs.
The funny thing about all these dates, is that never have I remembered so many dates in connection with 1 person. I mean, seriously. I dont even remember when my first date with Matt was.
Oh well. I guess every person that comes into one's life leaves their own footprints. Whether they are emotions, dates, or even both. Its those moments, those solitary moments that you shared with certain people, that make everything else worthwhile.
So heres to the moments in our lives with the people that we love, the people that confuse the hell out of us, or even the people that we love to hate.
P.S. Sleep and I need to become friends once again!
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
Let it be.
Yup, thats a Beatles song.
The other day I went and saw James. I dont know what made me do it, other than the fact that I just felt the need that I had to go, no matter what, I had to go. So I did. And you know it was good. I dont know if I was trying to prove to myself that I was ok without him or if I felt that I would need him more after seeing him, but what happened was I let him go. Yes, thats right, all that heart pounding, this is the man that I would marry if we had met at a different time, it was gone. In fact, I thought to myself, that if people, women specifically, could let go of guys, the way that I just had, then the world would be a little more peaceful. And by peaceful I just mean people wouldnt get stuck so long on heartbreak. Sure, James and I had our ups and downs, and no I didnt always know what was happening, was he hitting on me or just being a friend? But I stuck with him, I think more than anything else, because he always felt real to me. What do I mean by real? Well I always struggle to define this, but he didnt really play games with me, he (with a few exceptions) told me straight up how things were. And I felt that we were always friends first, which we really were. Finding that friendship again, after the more romantic-y and less-than-platonic feelings that we had shared last summer was really good. I dont know if it was him or me, but we took it slow, occasionally talking and then talking more often, and even more often. Yes, going to see him may have set us back a little, but thats ok no one is perfect.
Regardless, you know that elusive "everything will be fine" state of mind that everyone tells you about. The, "if you forget about him, you will be happier", the just "let it go" you know what I am talking about right? Well I finally found it, and it feels so much better than anyone could ever even try to describe. I am not saying that it is easy, or that everyone can do it, but its all about the mentality, and the willing to look at the bigger picture. You know all the cliches? Well they are passed down for a reason. And maybe its just me, but those cliches really do make sense, sometimes.
Anyway, heres to hoping that you, whoever you are, can feel this sense of peace, even in the insanity that life brings daily.
The other day I went and saw James. I dont know what made me do it, other than the fact that I just felt the need that I had to go, no matter what, I had to go. So I did. And you know it was good. I dont know if I was trying to prove to myself that I was ok without him or if I felt that I would need him more after seeing him, but what happened was I let him go. Yes, thats right, all that heart pounding, this is the man that I would marry if we had met at a different time, it was gone. In fact, I thought to myself, that if people, women specifically, could let go of guys, the way that I just had, then the world would be a little more peaceful. And by peaceful I just mean people wouldnt get stuck so long on heartbreak. Sure, James and I had our ups and downs, and no I didnt always know what was happening, was he hitting on me or just being a friend? But I stuck with him, I think more than anything else, because he always felt real to me. What do I mean by real? Well I always struggle to define this, but he didnt really play games with me, he (with a few exceptions) told me straight up how things were. And I felt that we were always friends first, which we really were. Finding that friendship again, after the more romantic-y and less-than-platonic feelings that we had shared last summer was really good. I dont know if it was him or me, but we took it slow, occasionally talking and then talking more often, and even more often. Yes, going to see him may have set us back a little, but thats ok no one is perfect.
Regardless, you know that elusive "everything will be fine" state of mind that everyone tells you about. The, "if you forget about him, you will be happier", the just "let it go" you know what I am talking about right? Well I finally found it, and it feels so much better than anyone could ever even try to describe. I am not saying that it is easy, or that everyone can do it, but its all about the mentality, and the willing to look at the bigger picture. You know all the cliches? Well they are passed down for a reason. And maybe its just me, but those cliches really do make sense, sometimes.
Anyway, heres to hoping that you, whoever you are, can feel this sense of peace, even in the insanity that life brings daily.
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Gotta Rant
Seriously? You call me because you have a sick dog. Its like you know you are playing with my heartstrings and that I will get swept into this situation. I dont like it, but I cannot help it because I cannot look away when it comes to a sick animal.
*Sigh*
Heres to separating Church from state... feelings from what needs to happen.
*Sigh*
Heres to separating Church from state... feelings from what needs to happen.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Hot and Cold
Yes and No, In and out, up and down. (Inspired by the Katy Perry song)
I have known you only a year. 1 year, 1 week. And within that year there has been this HUGE array of memories. Some of the good, some of the bad. But regardless, neither one of us has let go. I dont know if we can, does that sound to presumptuous? I mean seriously, when I said no contact that should have been it. But it was too hard on me, and you said it sucked for you too. Then limited contact throughout the fall and winter and now all of a sudden, its like we have traveled back in time- almost exactly a year. I dont know what to do with it. I dont know how to handle it. You have been the most real relationship I have had and we never even made it into the relationship. So what gives, what do I do to protect myself but not lose you, is it even possible? Better yet, is it really worth it?
I dont know. But I will try. I dont want to be the other girl, it was blurry as to whether that happened last year, and I dont want to play that game again. If anything I want you to be just mine, one on one, no extra people. But it seems you have moved on and whether you know it or not, and whether I like it or not, it feels as if I am the backup girl.
My pride and joy in this whole situation is that I have not cried over you. Frustrated? Yes. Angered? yes. Hurt? sure. But tearful? Not once. And whether or not I like the fact that the saying "He who makes you cry isnt worth the tears and he who doesnt is" or some variation of that, is stuck in my head, it definitely influences me. You havent ever made me cry, and for some reason or another that speaks volumes in and of itself. And I cannot shake it.
The way that you have an uncanny ability to almost literally bring me to my knees in surprise is a pain in the butt. And the fact that you remember and freaking bring up some of our "moments" just flabbergasts me. I mean seriously, last night you watched Twilight and New Moon and brought up the night that you first saw Twilight. A night that I will never forget. And then I asked if you ever read the books. And apparently you have, so I commended your girlfriend for getting you to read the books, but you said it wasnt her who got you to read the books. No, apparently when I told you you should read the books you did. I mean SERIOUSLY? You like UK basketball? WHAT THE HELL?!
I feel that I will never be able to forget you, not that I would want to. However, this just friends thing we have scares the shit out of me. Because for me, those memories that I have, they cloud my vision. We had some good things. And you still talk about hanging out, it just scares me. YOU scare me.
Here's an analogy for how I feel. I feel like I am a fish that bit down on a baited hook. You were the fisherman, and reeled me in. You took the hook out and treated me special for a while. Then you put me in a cooler and its yet to be decided whether or not you are going to let me go free at the end of the day.
Heres to hoping that the worst fate that this fish comes to is just being put in an aquarium and not being fried for dinner, because I am sure if you were to take me home for dinner things would definitely end in tears.
I said it once last year that you had me hook line and sinker and that you needed to either fish or cut bait. So I think you have fished and yet I still dont have much control over what happens.
Here's to being able to live a life as a fairly happy fish and not being fried for lent! :)
I have known you only a year. 1 year, 1 week. And within that year there has been this HUGE array of memories. Some of the good, some of the bad. But regardless, neither one of us has let go. I dont know if we can, does that sound to presumptuous? I mean seriously, when I said no contact that should have been it. But it was too hard on me, and you said it sucked for you too. Then limited contact throughout the fall and winter and now all of a sudden, its like we have traveled back in time- almost exactly a year. I dont know what to do with it. I dont know how to handle it. You have been the most real relationship I have had and we never even made it into the relationship. So what gives, what do I do to protect myself but not lose you, is it even possible? Better yet, is it really worth it?
I dont know. But I will try. I dont want to be the other girl, it was blurry as to whether that happened last year, and I dont want to play that game again. If anything I want you to be just mine, one on one, no extra people. But it seems you have moved on and whether you know it or not, and whether I like it or not, it feels as if I am the backup girl.
My pride and joy in this whole situation is that I have not cried over you. Frustrated? Yes. Angered? yes. Hurt? sure. But tearful? Not once. And whether or not I like the fact that the saying "He who makes you cry isnt worth the tears and he who doesnt is" or some variation of that, is stuck in my head, it definitely influences me. You havent ever made me cry, and for some reason or another that speaks volumes in and of itself. And I cannot shake it.
The way that you have an uncanny ability to almost literally bring me to my knees in surprise is a pain in the butt. And the fact that you remember and freaking bring up some of our "moments" just flabbergasts me. I mean seriously, last night you watched Twilight and New Moon and brought up the night that you first saw Twilight. A night that I will never forget. And then I asked if you ever read the books. And apparently you have, so I commended your girlfriend for getting you to read the books, but you said it wasnt her who got you to read the books. No, apparently when I told you you should read the books you did. I mean SERIOUSLY? You like UK basketball? WHAT THE HELL?!
I feel that I will never be able to forget you, not that I would want to. However, this just friends thing we have scares the shit out of me. Because for me, those memories that I have, they cloud my vision. We had some good things. And you still talk about hanging out, it just scares me. YOU scare me.
Here's an analogy for how I feel. I feel like I am a fish that bit down on a baited hook. You were the fisherman, and reeled me in. You took the hook out and treated me special for a while. Then you put me in a cooler and its yet to be decided whether or not you are going to let me go free at the end of the day.
Heres to hoping that the worst fate that this fish comes to is just being put in an aquarium and not being fried for dinner, because I am sure if you were to take me home for dinner things would definitely end in tears.
I said it once last year that you had me hook line and sinker and that you needed to either fish or cut bait. So I think you have fished and yet I still dont have much control over what happens.
Here's to being able to live a life as a fairly happy fish and not being fried for lent! :)
Thursday, March 04, 2010
Who am I kidding, Really?
Do you remember James, the guy I had such convoluted emotions about over the summer?
Yea well apparently we are still friends, it took a while but I became ok with it. In fact I have to be careful about what I say about him around my friends because of their intense loyalty to me and Katrina. Needless to say, they dont trust him anymore. And sure I understand why, I have even struggled over the though of would I be able to ride in a car that he was driving anytime soon? (I still havent come up with a good answer, although I lean towards NO) Regardless, we usually have a fun banter about things going on in our lives and it hit me today, thanks to realizing that his girlfriend was at his apartment, that hes moving on, forward, and though it doesnt really feel like it, I think I might be stuck, in some quicksand.
I guess that before tonight the girlfriend always seemed like a phase of his, something that he would get over because I mean after all we had such a good thing going, when it was going, that is. And we said that we didnt think that it was the last time we would talk, hang out, whatever. But maybe this girlfriend is you know, REAL. Maybe there's something really there. And sure I know that I deserve better, but things felt so real with him, like they werent quite finished just yet. He was the first guy to really I dont know, make me feel special? Make me feel like the world wasnt really passing me by?
And if I am being brutally honest with myself- which tonight I am, it hurts. Its not really a full out break my heart hurt. But theres definitely a little ache there. Its time that I hang up my hat and really admit to myself that we are just friends. But the sad but true thing is, I dont know that I really know how to be friends with him (or any guy for that matter).
So heres to feeling an ache, realizing that life isnt perfect, but it definitely is wonderful IF you can take a step back and look at it, and realizing that there will be something out there for you, you just have to be patient. I am trying my patience once again! :)
Oh, and by the way, I am the new President for the Student Alumni Association here at school, I was voted in today. This is thrilling yet daunting.
Yea well apparently we are still friends, it took a while but I became ok with it. In fact I have to be careful about what I say about him around my friends because of their intense loyalty to me and Katrina. Needless to say, they dont trust him anymore. And sure I understand why, I have even struggled over the though of would I be able to ride in a car that he was driving anytime soon? (I still havent come up with a good answer, although I lean towards NO) Regardless, we usually have a fun banter about things going on in our lives and it hit me today, thanks to realizing that his girlfriend was at his apartment, that hes moving on, forward, and though it doesnt really feel like it, I think I might be stuck, in some quicksand.
I guess that before tonight the girlfriend always seemed like a phase of his, something that he would get over because I mean after all we had such a good thing going, when it was going, that is. And we said that we didnt think that it was the last time we would talk, hang out, whatever. But maybe this girlfriend is you know, REAL. Maybe there's something really there. And sure I know that I deserve better, but things felt so real with him, like they werent quite finished just yet. He was the first guy to really I dont know, make me feel special? Make me feel like the world wasnt really passing me by?
And if I am being brutally honest with myself- which tonight I am, it hurts. Its not really a full out break my heart hurt. But theres definitely a little ache there. Its time that I hang up my hat and really admit to myself that we are just friends. But the sad but true thing is, I dont know that I really know how to be friends with him (or any guy for that matter).
So heres to feeling an ache, realizing that life isnt perfect, but it definitely is wonderful IF you can take a step back and look at it, and realizing that there will be something out there for you, you just have to be patient. I am trying my patience once again! :)
Oh, and by the way, I am the new President for the Student Alumni Association here at school, I was voted in today. This is thrilling yet daunting.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
When you got a good thing
Lady Antebellum
Yesterday was Senior day for the basketball team. The last home game that Tim, Matthew and Blake will ever play for Transy. It was also senior day for the 2 student coaches: Matthew and Aaron. And we lost :(. By one point. It was truly bittersweet, and for me it didnt sink in UNTIL after everything was done and over. I should have stayed for the boys to come out to give them hugs, these guys were the reason I was drawn to Transy basketball, and I will truly miss them. Not only them though, but their families too. The people that made up my "Basketball family"- the Tierney's and the Parton's.
Regardless, its been a very fun season for me. Full of learning experiences, and maybe just maybe if I'm lucky Matthew will come back to coach again next year! ;)
Goodbye for now, world.
Yesterday was Senior day for the basketball team. The last home game that Tim, Matthew and Blake will ever play for Transy. It was also senior day for the 2 student coaches: Matthew and Aaron. And we lost :(. By one point. It was truly bittersweet, and for me it didnt sink in UNTIL after everything was done and over. I should have stayed for the boys to come out to give them hugs, these guys were the reason I was drawn to Transy basketball, and I will truly miss them. Not only them though, but their families too. The people that made up my "Basketball family"- the Tierney's and the Parton's.
Regardless, its been a very fun season for me. Full of learning experiences, and maybe just maybe if I'm lucky Matthew will come back to coach again next year! ;)
Goodbye for now, world.
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