Past, Present, Future

So, last night we were doing surgery on my brothers dog and my sister-in-law revealed something interesting to my mom and myself.
She wanted to be a vet.
When mom asked her why she didnt we got an interesting answer.
All this time we thought that she convinced my brother to not go to college.
I mean grandma offered to pay for their college but they never went.
This is how she told us it went:
Well, I got on at UPS and said, I'll go to school later.
Then I met Chris and thought, "I really like this guy, lets put school off"
Then she and Chris got engaged and she though "I kinda love this guy, lets put school off"
Then they got married and she put school off.
And finally they had kids and she really put school off.
Long story short: She didnt go to college because of my brother.

Wow. What a revelation.
And that makes me glad that I didnt have a boy to distract me. K doesnt have any great skills, no degree, where will she be in 10, 20, 40 years?

I find 2 things wrong with that picture:
1. That she put her dreams on hold for a guy.
2. That perhaps she thought my brother wouldnt wait for her.

So to my friends, here is what I have to say: Follow your dreams, everything else will follow. If someone that you love doesnt put up with your dreams, they arent worth your love. (Easier said than done, I know).

Although, on the other hand, I havent gotten experience that whole love thing- well not fully, I dont think. Sure I've had more than my share of unrequited love, but what if I loved someone and they loved me back, would I still be able to say the things that I am saying? I dont know, but I'd like to think so.
As it is, I havent had that love, and when I do find someone who loves me back and treats me the way I should be treated, I will probably act like a middle schooler with a crush. Because I didnt put my dreams on hold. Im going out there and facing them head on. I dont have much of a social life, and for me, thats ok. Because what I want most right now is a job, a way to support myself. Then, then we can work out the rest of lifes details.
PS- if the universe decides to send me some wonderful man in the meantime, I promise to appreciate him, because I know that my timing doesnt always match up with the universe's timing. But I also know, that I cant wait around and sit on my lollies waiting for my man to show up.
Have I mentioned there has to be a mutual admiration? Because this whole one-sided love that has been around all my life, has got to stop.
Speaking of that. J has a girlfriend now. Let's all congratulate him. Her name is Kitty Cat. I am thinking that its definitely time to put that chapter in a box, and on the shelf. That way, I can look at it, and be glad that it happened, but also be glad that it never went further than it did. I guess I always knew he wasnt my Mr. Forever... or really my Mister anything... since, well, you know, since he was J and a favorite nickname that plays along well with the name game is "His name is J and he is a jerk!"
Ok, so thats a bit mean, but eh. Sometimes I am told that I am not mean enough. :)

Goodnight lovelies, remember, follow your dreams, where ever they take you, because its those dreams not followed that will always haunt you.

Make my speakers go Boom Boom

Thats a lyric in one of Luke Bryan's songs on his new CD and has nothing to do with what I am going to write about today, but it makes me giggle.

Here I am, 90 before my first real interview, and while I have been ready for a job all summer, I am terrified of actually getting the job. Its not that I dont think I can do the work, I think I will make some mistakes along the way, but I have no doubt that I can do the work. No, its the oh my god, I am growing up and becoming a true adult, phenomenon.
An accounting position is something that is completely foreign to me and more than anything I think thats what scares me.
So... eeek! oh my god, I may be getting a job.
But on the other hand, if I dont get this one... eeek oh my god, I dont have a job yet!

Its kind of a lose lose situation, but Im gonna do my best...conquer my fears!

Some days...

Some days are better. Some days my smile shines brighter, I stand up straighter, and I dont give a second thought to anything else in the world.
Some days I am very thankful for every last one of my blessings, and others I cant help but wish for the things that I dont have.
Today is not one of my better days.
Its not a bad day, but I guess I'm just missing some people who I want to be in my life more.
Groan, grumble, grrr.
So, I suppose, here's to J- dont know if you still read this, but today I'm missing you, and May 26th.
And to I- who I am pretty sure doesnt read this (except for my blogging about Hawaii, WAY back Summer of 06- I think), nor do I think he's aware that I miss him- see hes the one that lives 500-6000 miles away from me on any given day. This week, month its in the 500 mile range. We talked last week, and now I'm trying to figure out how to see him in the near future.

Promises and Family

Last night while driving to and from the Lake to spend time with my extended family, and specifically my cousin and his family who is visiting from Georgia my grandma promised me all kinds of goodies. 

Grandma is moving into a retirement community in 2 years-ish. (They havent started building the community, but they have already sold all their units and expect move in to be in 2 years.) And god love her, she is starting to plan for every little thing now. 

Thus last night I was asked: "Do you think you might want my condo in 2 years?" Yep, thats right, grandma is potentially giving me her condo. But, of course it really depends on where I am at in life in 2 years. So then we were talking about all of her other possessions- and let me tell you she has some pretty cool possessions from living all over the world. And while lots of things have great meaning to her, there are some of those possessions that have great meanings to me such as: her dining room table, and chairs; the Zanzibar chest; the doll with the red hat box of clothing. Then came the promises of things that dont mean much to me, but are incredibly sentimental to her, and thus would be an honor to be given such as: the portraits by Jane Peterson the Indian baskets and Grandma's silver.

While all that gifting was exciting and wonderful, it was only the cherry on top of a great day with my extended family. My cousin, his wife and their two girls are in the state for the week and they invited us all down to the house they are renting on the lake. 

Let me give you a bit of family history: I am the youngest cousin of the family, and there are a total of 7 of us. The eldest cousin (M) is 42, he has 2 sons, one that is 1 year older than me who also has a son who is almost 4. His brother (B) is the one that lives in GA, hes 39-ish? and has 2 daugters, who are almost 4 and 18 months-ish, his wife is Colombian and super awesome. Then you have my only female cousin, K and her brother S, who are kind of nonentities in my life. K has lived in Florida for the last 10+ years and has only been back once to visit. And S well, during most of my childhood he was "living out of town" aka: in jail. But I dont know where and I dont really know for what. He doesnt really partake in many family events, and hes a bit creepy. K and S are both in their mid to late 30's. That brings us to my brothers who are in their early thirties with 2 kids each. And finally, you've got me, in my early 20's. 

So when it comes to family get together's I feel super awkward, because 1. I dont have a significant other 2. there's no one else my age and 3. I dont have any kids. Thus, my recent solution has been to hang out with the kids, as much as possible. Therefore, since my B's kids are around the same ages as my nieces and nephews its like I have 2 extra nieces, which I absolutely LOVE. 

Today I leave you with a toast to family, promises and finding a little bit of joy each day. :) 

Acting the part

Fascinating, terrifying, completely debilitating.
Those are the words that I have chosen to describe what happened to me today.
But I didnt have the time or the ability to react at the moment of the event.
Here, perhaps you would like to be clued in as to what I am talking about.
Today, I was holding a cat- which seemed to be nice, for my mom so that she could anesthetize a cat for a routine surgery.
The cat freaked, I mean F-R-E-A-K-E-D.
I can usually handle cats, even cats that explode... Once I have a good hold on a cat, they arent going anywhere.
But instead of exploding out and away from us, this cat did its very best to explode in and turned its full attention to us.
In other words, this cat twisted and turned and did its very best to bite the hell out of my hand. It didnt succeed.
But it got closer than any cat has before.
It scared the hell out of me.
Funny, right? I'm a vets daughter, I know the ins and outs of the veterinary world. I can do just about anything, but I am completely and wholeheartedly scared of questionable animals.
Thats right- I am generally scared- ok so maybe thats a bit harsh- I am very wary of animals that I dont know. I dont blindly reach my hand into a cage and I sometimes completely refuse to deal with mean dogs.
I am a failure.
What kind of person- I cant even define myself- cant hack one of the biggest job risks in my current business?
Any time I have a close call with getting bit or hurt, I cry.
Yep, that happened to me today.
I never let go of that cat, the cat didnt bite me, but once we stopped struggling with the cat- though I was still holding it- I lost it, started crying right then and there, thank goodness I work with my mom?
Sigh.
I know I'm not really a failure- in fact I've never been bit by an animal- or rather bit hard enough to break the skin- while working.
And the only time I've ever been seriously bit by an animal- it was my mom's friend's German Shepherd, Emily and I was about 3 or 4, maybe 5 years old.
Yet, its days like these and I feel like a failure.
Maybe its a good thing I didnt go to vet school, and instead found accounting.

The moment your life changes

Sometimes it takes only one moment to change your life.
Sometimes it takes only 1 experience.
But sometimes its more.
For me, its a culmination of little moments with the little people in my life.
My nieces and nephews have changed my world. Turned it upside down and danced on it.
Its funny, because people sometimes expect that when you spend time with a kid then the ache to have your own will disappear. Well, not true for me.
Tonight, I was at the UK Pros vs. Dominican Republic game at the Yum! Center in Louisville and while it was special to share it with my mom and dad, my brothers and my sister-in-law... it was more special to share it with my nephews, who once the game started, climbed into my lap and watched the game with me.
T, while he enjoyed the game, really looked to me and watched what I did and asked me questions etc.
J, man, he was in the game "they need to use the backboard more" "it should be a 2 on 2 game with Wall and Rondo against 2 players from the other team", this kid has some basketball knowledge, but he also asked me questions, and it was just a lot of fun to share those moments with those kids.

Long story short, tonight was just one of the moments that gives me warm-fuzzies. One of the others is when my niece told me that she thought I was beautiful. Going horseback riding with my nephew. Giving my nieces the "college experience", and having my nieces and nephews at Transy basketball games.

Needless to say, I really look forward to having my own children, but as long as I have these four kids to share special moments with, I think I can hold off on having my own- until its a more appropriate time.

Here's to the little moments in life that mean something much bigger! :)

What dreams may come

I stole that from a Robin Williams movie...

So, I dont know what will come. But I do know that there has been one person that I can turn to for pretty much anything, anytime. He is my rock, in many ways, though our face-to-face contact has been super limited- because we are at any given moment likely to be somewhere between 500 and 6000 miles apart.
Talk about long distance. But we arent in a relationship, nor do I know if he would even consider one.
I do know, however that while I have thought about it before- as in 4 years ago, most specifically... I have grown and changed since then. We both have, yet, we havent grown apart. Talking to him leaves me feeling like a little girl, excited for tomorrow. He always makes me feel better about myself, and while I like talking about him, he always asks about how I am, and listens to me.
In fact, yesterday he asked how I was doing, I said something like good, but not exactly happy. Then asked how he was doing. And he replied with "wait, you just threw a grenade into a boat and asked me to ignore it," which made me laugh.
That's what he does, he makes me laugh- all the time.
Anyway, I dont know what may come, but I do know what would make me happy.
Thats right- I know what would make me happy, I just dont know exactly how to get that happiness. Haha.

So, friends, here's to finding and getting your happiness! :)

I should be studying... but.... I'm not.

There are some people who come into your life make a splash and then when the splash is gone, so are they.
There are some people that when they come in your life, they are there for the long haul- and one such person is who this blog is about today.

We met April 2004. My family visited theirs, and we became fast friends, not unlike our mothers before us.
Then they visited us in August, that same year. And we bonded while fishing. haha. Literally, we would spend hours down at the pond- just talking, and well, fishing. We made a pact then, not to go more than 5 years without seeing one another.But life started to happen. We would talk here and there, on the phone, it was wonderful. But then, he moved to Israel. So much for phone calls. But low and behold we were going to Washington D.C. again, Summer 2007. And they were home from Israel for some Home Leave. That visit was amusing- the first day we got lost in the woods. Then, we hung out. And we saw a Harry Potter movie. But alas, we had to come home, and they went back to Israel. Thats not where this story ends though. No, my mom, grandma, and myself went to Israel, March 2008 and visited them. The highlights of that visit were hot dogs- that I wouldnt eat, and snails. Haha.

This person, has never let me down. Sometimes they dont follow through- but I understand that making promises from 4 states away can cause problems. But whenever I talk to him, I always feel happier. No matter what is going on.
A. tells me that he wants me to be happy, and that this person makes me happy and I should go for it.
Oh, I dont think I can go for it just yet. But I do know, this isnt the end of our movie. :)

Country Girl (Shake it for me)

Luke Bryan's newest single.
This song, it makes me smile. It makes me giggle, and it makes me dance. No matter where I am, no matter what I am doing. This song brightens my day.

Otherwise, I am still living in a calm. I should probably be more panicked about my test that is 2 weeks from today. And I keep telling myself that I will read one chapter or two a day, and I havent read one. Perhaps tomorrow I will get back on track. I have, however been doing homework.
I've been making one big-kid phone call a day. Yesterday's sucked. Today's was much better. And I dont have high hopes for tomorrow, but perhaps I will be pleasantly surprised.

In other news, talked to J today. He got a new job! Congrats to him. :)

As for a "how did talking to him make me feel" introspective look on things: It was nice to hear from him. I wish him all the best. And I think this time I have finally figured out how to approach things. Or rather not.
Somewhere I heard something or read something or whatever- nope definitely heard it, it was on a tv show. One character told another one who was obsessing about something or someone to just let it be.
Hmm.. remind you of anything? Yea, me too... cant get that dang Beatles song out of my head now.
(That one was for you SEP)
Anyway, I decided that with J the best thing was to let it be. And things have been much different, but not in a good or bad way... they simply are. We are still friends, and we will share big news with one another - I think, I hope, but that seems to be about it.

So for all you loyal readers out there, all 3, that Im aware of, although by now that number could be either 2 or 4... but anyway...
My advice to you: Let it be.

Dont rain on my parade

Some days I feel like I have everything in the world figured out. Then, I look around.
I realized today that while I am living at home presently, I'm not really at home. I havent made commitments to anything, really, more than 1 month away. I have literally been living here temporarily, and that has been my attitude towards it.
Wow, I should really have the opposite attitude.
Who knew that I would have a hard time with commitment.
I need to commit, seriously commit to being here, home, or the surrounding area for the foreseeable future.
Thats not committing to living at home with my parents for the next 5 years. Thats not keeping from having a life. No, thats just being realistic.
Time to do this, take the world by storm and grab life by the horns.
So, Smith and Company didnt pan out. Time to work on GE, Roth and Co, and even Stiles, Carter and Assoc.
That means making phone calls, sucking up the courage and getting things done. Its time, my friends to put my stubborn streak to good use.
Also, its time to seriously study for the CPA exam. 14 days away, and I'm almost so panicky that I cant look at the info... not a good place to be.
Tonight though, I wish you all luck as you work to find your passions.

Sometimes you just gotta let it be

Last week was stressful.
Hell, I have been nothing but stressed for the whole summer: boy, job, CPA class, family matters, job, boy, job, job, damn it I want a job!
But today as I was driving into work- yes I have a job, but its my end goal, its just my current and backup, so to speak- and I had this overwhelming sense of calm.
No, life isnt perfect, but really, if it was perfect what would keep me from giving up?
I may be spinning wheels, but they'll catch eventually (or so my fake-husband tells me).
I dont have a significant other, and though sometimes this saddens me, really, its probably better. I can do things that make sense for me and only me. I dont have to worry about anyone else- well, thats not entirely true, where ever life wants to take me I'm gonna make sure my Payton can come along.
And I am extremely lucky that I dont have any big debts. That my parents WANT me around- I have a friend who has moved back home and her dad is not happy with the arrangement, and makes her feel crappy about that.
I know that my momma may annoy me sometimes- mostly when Im spending way too much time with her, at home AND at work. And I wish that my dad would eat healthier and follow the doctors orders. But really, I am blessed to not only still have both parents around, but to also have them still married to one another.

I want to nurture this calm in my life. Hold on to it, or at least store it in a box to say to myself later in life "Hey, sometimes life is stressful, but remember August of 2011, things were all going in different directions but you felt calm. See everything is gonna be great!"

Anyway, heres to finding calm in your life too! :)

Everyone believes in me, but me.

I'm in my CPA review classes.
I have my notice to schedule for all of the CPA exams.
And I have scheduled my first exam.
Oh crap.
20 days and counting.
Every time I tell someone, they tell me that knowing me, I will do great.
But I dont feel that.
I am terrified.
I dont feel like I am going to have enough time to prepare.
But I know that if I put it off, I will just keep putting it off, so here I go, for better or worse.

One friend told me today that he was jealous that I was graduated.
And thats when it hit me.
I may not feel like I have things together.
In fact I often feel like I'm drowning in this thing called life.
But to the outside world, I might actually appear to have my shit together.
I may not have all the things that I want in life.
I dont have a boyfriend, stable income, a place of my own, a job (that goes with stable income I guess), etc.
But I am moving forward.
I feel like I am sitting on my butt doing nothing.
When in fact, I get myself up every Saturday to study for the 4 CPA exams.
I got my act together and I have paid for and committed to taking all 4 exams before January 27th.
And maybe not having a job right now is a good thing. I couldnt imagine having to work a full time job AND study (props to my friend Lauren, who is doing just that).

Maybe, just maybe this journey of mine that has me wishing for answers is a blessing in disguise.
And perhaps I should work harder at being happier, because happy people are way more fun than I have been recently!

In other news:
I have been missing Italy like CRAZY! I'll need to go back, soon.
And I havent talked to James in a while. I dont know if this is good or bad, but it is what it is, and I hope that he knows that I am still here for him, no matter what.
Have I ever mentioned how much I love getting goodnight texts?

Goodnight friends.
I hope that you are able see that sometimes even our struggles are our blessings.

She let herself go

I think George Strait sings that song...

And this is what I've got for my few loyal friends and readers.
She let herself go.
For a long time, I wanted to be with him because I thought it would work. I thought it would be fun, that we could conquer anything that tried to come between us. I was wrong.
I think more recently I wanted to be with him because I didnt want to give up on him.
Maybe I thought that if I told him how much I wanted to be with him, he would understand that I would be there FOR him.
That was wrong too.
I am slowly releasing my death grip hold on what I so desperately want, because, who am I kidding, if it hasnt happened in the past 2 years, chances are its not going to happen.
Thats right, I'm letting myself go.
Trying something new, and this is what it looks like:
I am still me, an emotional wreck under my cool facade of a controlled individual.
J is still J, the one who might always Mr. Perfection in my eyes, even though he has his faults.
But we, never were, and thus I am giving up on the we.
Thats not saying I want out of his life, or that I am giving up on him. No, I believe in him, no questions asked, 100% of the time. If he wants something, I know he will get it, I know he will achieve all his goals. And I hope he will let me in, and let me be a cheerleader for him.
But I need more from a man than he has ever given me. I need support, unconditionally, someone who will ask me about my family, my friends, my life. Someone who will make an effort to be in my life. Someone who treats me with kindness and love, even when its the last thing in the world that they want to do.

J gave me something that I needed in order to move on in my life. And now, I just have to move on and let myself go. Its time to see what the universe has in store for me, because while I am comfortable with where my life is, its time I embrace something new.

Thats what it all comes down to, I might get frustrated, annoyed, giddy, and even get butterflies, when it comes to J. But now, I know what will happen, I know that when I pull away he will come swooping in to keep me interested. And that in some ways is comfortable for me, I need to shed the security.
I need to be bold, try something new. (Sounds like a Taco Bell commercial).

But for tonight, I will tell myself that I can still love J, in the way that I have for the past 2 years, which may not be in the way that one might normally define love. But I can also give myself permission to move on, to let myself go. :)

Talking is overrated?

I like to communicate, in a manner that is clear to all parties.
I do not like to vocalize things.
I realized today, when I slammed my head into the dashboard of my car as I was merging on to the highway and almost in tears from frustration, that I dont like to have people incessantly talking at me, to me, etc.
I like to have conversations, but I dont like to force information- vocally.

How strange is that?
I know, I have been harping about having a certain someone just tell me what he wants from me- done asking for that btw- and yet I dont like to talk. How do I explain myself?
Simple.
Clear communication can happen in many mediums.
It doesnt take a vocal "I just want to be friends" talk, to get the message.

Again, I am not saying that I am going to become a mute, I am simply saying that I have noticed lately that I prefer being quiet- even in situations that others might call an "Awkward silence".

Just an observation I thought I might share with my loyal followers... all, 3 that I am aware of... :)

One of these days....

One of these days I will say to myself:
http://s3.amazonaws.com/data.tumblr.com/tumblr_l9kwzlbchH1qzcn8zo1_1280.jpg?AWSAccessKeyId=AKIAJ6IHWSU3BX3X7X3Q&Expires=1311903551&Signature=fkQ6luCL%2BMqDVyGT0pSub3g%2BKkk%3D

And believe it.
I think I get closer to that day all the time. I have some full days where I even believe it. But then, I remember something, something that seems crazy and special, and my walls go crumbling down.
One step forward and 2 steps back.
Eventually I will get where I am going, I just have to be patient with myself.

I cant sleep.

I sometimes worry that I complain too much about my life here.
But I generally like my life.

Tonight, however, I have mixed emotions.
I found out about 2 hours ago that my great aunt passed away- my grandma's sister, Stella.
She was something like 94 years old.
But what will stick with me for years to come, I think is that when I went with my grandma to visit her in November, she was constantly checking to make sure that I was around. "Where's Jessie?" (She was blind at this point).
Tonight I am feeling "I'm here." But I want more. I want to say something brilliant like "Jessie is getting her CPA",  "Jessie is off traveling the world", "Jessie is not simply here, she is everywhere." For now, though, I am just here.
I also find it comforting/interesting/I dont know... but over the past few months, I have apparently been a hot commodity with my great aunt and even my great uncle. They are twins, Stella and John. And I know for certain that one thing they talked of was my trip to Italy.
I hope that I never forget the love and support that I had from my family, my Great Aunt and Uncle while I was in Italy. May it always be a highlighted memory.

Also, a different Great Uncle of mine, who passed earlier this year, will be laid to rest in Arlington National Cemetery next Monday. I didnt have many visits with Slim that I remember, but I remember he was always a pretty nice guy. And welcoming to me, and I was always amazed at how tall and skinny he was- maybe thats why his nickname was Slim? haha. But really what I remember most about Slim is/was that he was married to my Great Aunt Fern- who is a cool lady, and my mom's favorite aunt. I fear that Fern wont be around much longer, but at least I will have the memory of her telling me about 4 years ago "I like being old, you get to ask inappropriate questions and be cranky, and no one really cares, because you are OLD!" I think thats a great attitude to have!

But ultimately these deaths remind me of my grandma, as all deaths that I have been through do. I think its because out of all the people who have passed away in the past 4 years, my grandma was a. the first one, and b. the one who I was closest to. And tonight I miss my grandma a whole lot. She first had troubles right after, like literally 2 days after I started my Sr. year of high school, yet she held on long enough to know that I graduated and even to "see" me off to college. She was alive long enough to see every grandchild through their 18th birthday.
I dont know if its me being silly but I choose to believe that she made sure I made it to college. In case you werent around- she died 1 week and 1 day into my Transy career.

As I write this, tears are streaming down my face. I am reminded that life comes and goes. Some people treat you right and some people dont. Some people you love to hate and others you hate to love.Sometimes I get too far ahead of myself, and its times like tonight that I am reminded to live in the present, and find a little bit of happiness in every day.
I only hope that when it comes time for me to make peace with my time on earth, that I have relatives who can keep alive my memory.
Here's to all the loved ones I have lost in the past 4 years:
Henrietta, Sharon, Violet, Dale, Mary Belle, Len, Stan, Slim and Stella
aka:
Grandma, Cousin, Great-Aunt, friend's dad, Great-aunt, Grandma's boyfriend, Ex-Grandpa, Great-Uncle, Great-Aunt.

Real versus Fake

Why is it that my relationship with my fake husband is way more fun and rewarding than the relationship that my heart wants?
Thats right, I have a (fake) husband. He is wonderful, caring, checks on me and always talks to me when I seem to need it the most.

So, I guess its time to take the leap.
Yea, the leap I've been avoiding for far too long.
The one that is inevitable.

J, its clear that we are just meant to be friends.
One kiss doesnt change that, especially if nothing happens afterwards.

So, my friend, here is to a long friendship!
(See, I told you I wouldnt run away)

Disclaimer: The above message was written 2 hours before what comes next.
I cant do it.
I went back and read some of my posts that deal with you and I am too emotionally involved to make myself take out all of the emotion.
If you want to be just friends, fine, tell me that, I can handle it. But I cant make that decision.

Have you heard the song "Colder Weather" by the Zac Brown Band?
Thats me and you, darlin.
I'm the lover and your the leaver.
And we dont have colder weather, we are warmer weather.

OK, I am sleepy and that might not make much sense.
My resolve isnt 100% there.
And I really wanted to come visit and check on you, but I decided that if you wanted me, you would tell me. No use in butting in when I'm not wanted.

Obsticales

This week has been one of the most exhausting both emotionally and physically weeks of my life.
I just gotta get through my long Saturday, shew.
But I've discovered one of the ways to my heart is being able to beatbox. Thats right, this country music fan will fall for just about anyone who can beatbox.
If you read this, I'd love to hear one random fact about yourself- leave it anonymously if you like, it could be fun!! :)
That is all, night peeps.

Paper Heart

OK, so the surgery is over, dad came out of it fine. Mom is sort of, kind of back to normal.
And then, more than a week after we had had a conversation the boy contacts me, something about his face breaking out. Poor baby.
Not gonna lie I kind of blew up. I dont know if he actually got the message, because he didnt respond. But because I think it was well said and to the point, I will recreate it for you! :)
"Oh no. You dont get to say the things you said last week and then run away for more than a week only to waltz back around when you feel like it. I could have used a friend, if nothing else, first Friday and then today. Not an asshole who is going to ignore me til hes ready to talk. Im not going to run away from you James, but its time to be a man and face the music. Pick something- be my friend and take me as I come, decide you want more or hell, banish  me to being an acquaintance, just tell me. Today was one of the hardest, lonliest days of my life and I could have used a friend"
Yea, that actually takes up like 5 or maybe 6 160 character text messages, so I have no clue if it went through.

I feel bad for the blow up, I do, but on the other hand I asked him to be there for me the night before the surgery, and I got no response.
So yea, Im a little upset, but I am confident that everything will work out.

Point of View

Many would argue that I dont have many struggles in my life. I have a college degree, a family willing to let me take the summer off of any real work and no student loans to panic about. And I understand that.
However, as I type this, I am going through the most difficult part of my life, to this point.

I have a depressed, diabetic father who likes sweets when he is depressed. Therefore, he conveniently forgets that hes diabetic, or doesnt care, or something like that. And he will be having his second knee surgery tomorrow. I love my father and I am grateful that the heart attack didnt take him from this world prematurely, however, I fear it made him somewhat of a hypochondriac, and that really bugs me. I hope that he gets through the surgery tomorrow, that his recoup time isnt as long or hard or tedius as he thinks its going to be, and that he will shift focus from "whats going to happen to me now" to "how can I improve my quality of life".

On the other hand my mom is sick. Shes a needy sick and on top of that shes worried about dad's surgery tomorrow. Can I give her a xanax tomorrow, pretty please? (just kidding). Over this past weekend she has turned into someone that I dont know. I worry that perhaps she too is getting depressed. And I cannot handle both of them being depressed.

I feel like our house is turning into a black hole and if I dont get out I too will be sucked down. And that only makes me want to run away. I dont have a steady job- which rules out actually moving out. But I am ready to move on in life, to start my next chapter. It just seems that I take one step forward and 2 steps backwards. I have my college degree, so I move home and work the same job I've had for the past 10 years. Yea, great, what a way to start life after college. I am simply an ant. I have no real roll in this world at the moment and I am so invisible that my family cant even see my pain. I dont want to be the back bone of the family, I dont want to have to agree with my father, soothe my mother, protect my brothers. I want to run away, to Lexington. But I wont, because what is needed of me right now, is to be the family rock. I'll just keep taking the punches, the mood swings and I will hope for everything to stabilize on the other side. 

Famous Last Words

"Because it keeps you in my life"

Do you know how many times those words have gone through my head, followed by "Your in it more than you think".

Really?

Because you said those things Monday and havent spoken to me since. Maybe I am in it exactly as much as I think I am... which is quite honestly, not very much at all.

At this point I have only 1 question.

What do you want from me, James?

In the end

we only regret the chances we didnt take
the relationships we were afraid to have
and the decisions we waited too long to make

I dont have a plan...

but that doesnt keep me home doing nothing.
Yea, you read that right. And yes, I know that its hard to believe so let me explain.
I dont have a single plan... I have several options.
I feel stuck, as if I am not moving forward, but at the same time, I am starting a new class tomorrow. A CPA review class that is going to take me through the next 6 months.
But then what?
And what about the in between time?
Where should I search for a job?
I havent even registered to take the CPA test... and you HAVE to register and get your "Notice to Schedule" AT LEAST 2 months before you want to take the test. But its not just one test, its 4... and you have to get the NTS for each test, which means you have to really know ahead of time
And the thought of it all has got me petrified.
Like, I pretty much had a panic attack today.

But, this is what I do know:
Its just a class, and I should take it 1 day, 1 lesson at a time.
If I decide that I can take a stab at the test, then I can start the registration process. This is MY test, MY certification and I should get to decide how to handle it... it doesnt get to handle me!
I am learning that it is ok to not have a set plan- they never work anyway- but rather a direction: sometime in the next 5 years I should have my CPA license.
I saw a quote the other day that I really liked:  
Success…seems to be connected with action. Successful people keep moving. They make mistakes, but they don’t quit. ~Conrad Hilton
I may not be successful- yet- but this is me, moving forward. Being scared like no other but still taking on the challenge. One foot in front of the other, I am moving. 


My hope for anyone who reads this, is that you too are moving. Know that dreams arent made by just getting by, you've got to be an active participant- not just a spectator. 
Good luck! (to you and me) 

Its not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

Contrary to what it seems, I do have a life that doesnt revolve around "the boy". 

And this is a post dedicated to that other part of my life. 

I have a friend who 6 years ago got a double lung transplant, and the age of 16. She had cystic fibrosis, and she very nearly died. 

The title of this post is one of her favorite sayings. 

She  is in rejection and they cant treat it because she also has a fungal infection and if they give her the anti-rejection drugs it will knock out her immune system so that the fungal infection would take over and kill her. So, they treat the fungal infection, hoping, praying that they can get rid of it and then treat for rejection. But the only cure for rejection is another transplant. 

In honor of this friend, I will tell you how our lives have intersected at various points in time. 

I first met her when I switched high schools from BHS to BCHS as a sophomore.  We were in the "Gifted" program together. We had a class "Gifted Seminar" where the final project was to come up with a 5 page paper and a 15 minute presentation on a topic of your choice. I had just gotten Payton and so I picked "Training a Service Dog" as my topic and my friend's health was declining fast, and so she did her presentation on Lung Transplants. We both did something that we were actually experiencing, although it wasnt until school had let out for the summer that she got her transplant. There were complications, she didnt do very well for a while and she was not really close to home at all. She was in St. Louis. 

Later that summer- about mid-July. My mom, grandma, Payton and myself made the trek to Minneapolis for a vet conference. We drove and decided that on the way home St. Louis wasnt too far out of the way and that we would visit my friend. They were so glad to see friendly faces. I think it really meant a lot to them that we showed up. Some of our mutual friends said that they would go visit her, but I dont know that any of them actually made it to St. Louis. 

She then came back to KY, but the asbestos that was growing in the walls of BCHS would have been fatal to her, so she had to switch schools and go to BEHS. She and I fell out of touch. But I always admired, and well still admire, her strength. She is very much a fighter. 

I have seen her occasionally because she uses my mom as a vet and she has 3 dogs. 

But last summer she got married. It was a beautiful, and rather eventful ceremony. It was a very hot July day and she had been sick with a fever all morning! Vomiting too. Poor thing. So we are listening to the preacher with ALL of his praying- it was a LOT of praying. And the next thing we know, she has passed out! Her soon to be husband caught her, held her, and if we werent already sure, we knew then that he was a keeper. lol (I should mention that he has also had a double lung transplant). She was fine after she cooled off, they finished the wedding and all was well. Yep, shes a trooper- getting married with a 102 fever and passing out, yet she had the biggest girly smile on her face the rest of the day.

Fast forward almost a year and her mom comes into the clinic. C isnt doing well, at all. 

My heart hurts. I havent really had much contact with her other than what I have already written about, but this girl... this woman, is one of the toughest women that I know. And somehow, someway I need her to know that I am thinking about her. 

So I get on twitter. "Follow" her, and we have exchanged a few tweets. I even uploaded a pic of Payton holding the silicone band that says "Organ Donation Works" with the caption of "Payton supports organ donation" 

Bottom line: 

Sometimes one can find strength in the people around them who have made the best of sucky circumstances. 

Organ donation saves lives.

And prayers or thoughts for Christena are greatly welcomed by her family. 

"Because it keeps you in my life"

Thats the reason I get. The reason that he wont tell me my definition in his life.
But, to me that says if he were to tell me the definition that I would run away.
Its been 2 years, doesnt he know by now, I dont run away- at least not for long.
I've always come back. And I dont give up on people who want me in their life- unless its unclear to me as to whether or not they want me in their life.

That was 2 nights ago now.
After I got that text I got another one that said "Your in it more than you think" in reference to me being in his life.
And then nothing. No contact yesterday or today.

That seems very selfish.
Yea, not telling me keeps me in your life. But whats keeping you in my life?
I'll ask you what I have asked you before...
Whats in it for me, J?
Am I supposed to just wait around for you to decide that oh, today you want to talk to me. Today you want to see me. That some day you might show up and kiss me again?
Or maybe, maybe you do just want to have me around in case nothing else pans out. And from where I'm sitting, thats a dirty, sick, mean trick, dude.
And then theres the third choice. The idea that maybe you are scared. I dont know what you are scared of, but I would like to know what it is, if you are.

I am not dumb. I may seem dumb to a lot of my friends for sticking around. But I am not dumb. I know what my odds are, and I am ok with them. There's two sides to the story, darlin, and you know my side. I'd love to hear your side. Even if what you really want is to move to Australia to be with Faith. (Remember telling me about her?)

Its funny, I relate a lot to Sweet Home Alabama, the movie- I know you are familiar with it. And theres one part in the movie that makes me wonder if you are doing something similar. Don't worry, I wont give anything away, whats the fun in that? :)

Homesick

Yea, thats right, I am sitting here at home with my family and I am homesick.
What for you might ask, especially since I am home.
Well, turns out I left a chunk of my heart in Lexington.
Yep, I miss Lexington like I missed home when I first went to Transy.
CRAZY!
So what now?
I'll tell you what now, I start looking for a job in the Bluegrass Parkway corridor.
Its time to follow my heart... and my heart is not particularly attached to Louisville, but rather very attached to Lexington- more so than I even realized.

huh, interesting realization.
Mind is kind of blown.

Inadequate

The vacation was great. I loved the time that I got to spend with my nieces and nephews, it exceeded all of my expectations. Really, it was wonderful.
Yet, here I am, home, in my own bed, and my life feels almost empty.
I dont get it.
Well, thats only a half lie. I do kind of get it.
I feel inadequate because I am a college graduate living at home. I have a piss poor excuse of a love life. No job prospects and no debt to pay off.
Though the last thing is not a bad thing, it just means I wont have any creditors knocking on my doorstep.
I promise I am thankful for what I have, but I am a bit lost.
Time to make some decisions, time to put myself on the line- in more ways than one. Lets see if I sink or swim!

And yea, I miss him still, but I cant get a read on how he feels, still. Sigh.
Really dude- figure it out, it shouldnt be THAT hard, and let me know, please.

eight three one

I miss him/you.
Its silly, I get that, but more and more I miss him. Not the person that I first met and got to know, although he was pretty cool too, no I miss the one that I got to see, if only briefly that Thursday in May.
We as J and J have a history, one that doesnt really work out. But that night, we did work out. I know he thinks I am silly for thinking about it a lot, but that is just what my idle mind thinks of... sorry dude. You want my mind to think about something different, give it something different to think about! lol.

At least I feel less angsty about things. I've decided we are like the ocean, we have tides, we get close we fall apart, sometimes things are easy and other times they are incredibly annoyingly not so easy. And then comes a hurricane, where things go crazy- usually its my doing, and then things calm down and we have our little routine.
I guess I just dont want us to get set in our ways. I dont want to hit a stalemate where we are now. I want a challenge, something different, something that doesnt follow the things we've done before. Lets have an oil spill, get everything super sticky and messy! Yea, bad joke, my bad, but at least it gets the point across.

I am not going anywhere, but that doesnt mean that I am running away. Im just not running toward you, like I felt I have before. This time, I want you to run to me. Show me that I am not just a toy in your life, something that you get tired of after a while. Show me that I am something that you want to keep.

PS- This girl gets to go home with a nice beach look! woot woot! :)

It was a quarter after one...

Yea, yea... my life is a Lady Antebellum song. 

But there I was last night, and it was approximately 1:15 and I felt the great need to text you. But I figured you were probably already asleep, so I didnt text you. I moved from my room in the vacation house to the living room and slept on the couch. Missed you, needed you, and fell asleep. 

Then this morning my nieces and nephews were all playing with iPods and all listening and singing to Need you now, and I didnt put it all together til about 15 minutes ago.

How perfectly did that fit? A little too perfectly, as does the rest of my life, but you know, its whatever. 

Also, randomly this morning I had an interesting dream. I was recruited to play soccer for Transy because all the normal players were out of town or something. So I went to play, and I got to start!! But I was in a superhero costume and I had a mask that limited my vision. And not only that but we were playing against an Indian, as in from India team, in their Sari's. But I got tired of not being able to see so I ripped off my face mask and revealed my identity to everyone, in order to play this soccer game.  (I am highly amused by this dream, btw. haha) 

Goodnight loves. 

Sisterhood

I dont have a biological sister, never have, probably never will.
But I have something much better than that. I have a sister that I got to choose, or who got to choose me.
And we didnt have to be initiated into something, we havent pledged ourselves to one another, we just we are there for each other, through thick and thin, anger and sadness.
Crazy families, and bruised hearts. Its just part of the territory, you know?
So here's to you C, my partner in crime, best friend, and the person who will be my friend from here on out. My sister even.
Its deeper than blood, more impressive than just friendship, we have a partnership of sorts.
Thank you, for always being there. I appreciate it, and I will always see you as the sister I never had.
I wish I could say more profound things but I just cant. And I am sorry for that, hopefully you can understand.

The calm, the storm, whatever it is, its nothing I've dealt with before.

I dont know how my brothers and their wives really see me, but I feel like I will forever be like 5 or maybe 10 years old in their minds. And, for a long time, I think I catered to that. But now that I am 22 years old, I want to be seen as an adult. I know that I will always be the kid sister, but theres more to me than that. I am not one dimensional, not even 2-D. Just as there are many pieces to me that I dont think guys who I am interested in see, there are also many parts that my brothers dont see, whether that is by choice or not, I dont know.

I was kind of dreading this family vacation, and I have been pleasantly surprised. Thats not saying its perfect, there are still a few things that I would like to change, but maybe just maybe I am on the right path.

Its funny, I was idly talking tonight, and I dont know if anyone heard me, and thats ok, but what I said was that I look forward to the next family vacation, in say 2 years. Because, unless something goes totally awry, I wont have kids, and I may be independent enough to really be the cool aunt. See, I think the kids like hanging out with me because 1. they know I will keep them safe and 2. I dont have to make sure someone is on their best behavior... I can treat every kid equally.

Speaking of the next family vacation... I dont know where I will be in life, whether I will have a significant, or even insignificant other, but I do know, that I think I have found this place in my family where even in this transitory time that I find myself in, family is what truly matters. And getting to spend a week with my family, that is priceless.

Also, speaking of significant or insignificant others. I just finished a book, and yes its fiction, but that wont keep me from drawing parallels from my life. But basically the main character has fallen in love with a fallen angel, and its reeking all kinds of havoc on heaven and hell... and god knows that doesnt fit in my life, but what I am drawn to is this relationship that the girl has with the angel she has fallen for... She feels so deeply for him and yet he often leaves her with unanswered questions. With this passion, but at the same time deep questioning, of is this really true love, is this all I get, because if so, its depressing. And I may not have found my true love, if one is even out there for me, but there is this person in my life for whom I care deeply about and yet anytime I talk with him, I am left with more unanswered, burning questions. I mean seriously dude? Isn't passion supposed to be something that you dont really have to think that much about? Cant you rush head first blindly into something as crazy as love? Ok, so that makes me sound a little crazy, but I feel a little crazy. All I wanna do is talk, I'd love to tease out your feelings for me because I just feel like I am in limbo. I cant move forward because you havent figured out how you feel about me and I cant just shut you out, because well, I am not willing to shut the door I guess. So I sit here, in your grasp, waiting for you to decide, and yet you dont.
I get told over and over what I should feel for you and how others see you, but they arent me and I am not them. Call me stupid, but I believe in you, anything you want to do, go for it. But if you really cant see me there as a serious contender in your future, let me know now. Thats all I really want. My mom said something to me while we were in Maine and its kind of stuck with me and basically she was saying: If you know that you arent going to end up with a person, then let them go, its unfair to keep stringing them along. So, J, I guess what I am asking from you now is that, if you know that you dont want a relationship with me, not now, not ever, just tell me. I am really good at hearing the brutal truth. But please, seriously, since you cant give me a definition, at least give my possible definition some thought. Please, help me move out of this purgatory limbo that you've put me in!
And if you decide to keep me in your life here are some things to know- and if they arent useful for you, maybe they will be useful for someone in the future:
1. I love hearing from you every day. I dont even care if its a simple hey, or even just a goodnight.
2. I love getting goodnight texts.
3. I am not a big on the phone talker, but I do like for it to happen now and then. However, because I have this a. fear of phones and b. calling someone during something important, its likely that I probably wont ever call you, but rather wait on you to call me.
4. I want to see you more, physically, in person. Invite me over, or ask to come to my place, but then follow through. I'm not asking for something crazy big like a big dinner or some elaborate plans... no, I'd settle for a nice walk and just some time to talk.
5. I am not likely to bring up the tough stuff in face-to-face conversation, it scares the shit out of me, but I will answer honestly and to my best ability. Although, I will probably try to throw some bad humor in the mix so it doesnt seem so awkward.

I guess, its about bedtime for me.
Goodnight world.

Baby, you're a firework....

Happy Fourth of July, friends!

Here I am, on family vacation with 11 of the people who are closest to me.
My nieces and nephews think Im the cool one, because I dont seriously discipline them- I'm not someones mommy, so I dont get seriously mad... I do minimal disciplining. This makes me the cool one. And I am the funnest in the water- I dont know what makes me different than their parents, but I am. Maybe because I just let them hang all over me and I dont try to get them to try new things that scare them. I just chill out there with them and do my damnedest to keep them from going under. I am hoping that on the next family vacation, I am still the favorite and that they all choose to like ride in the car with me... thats what I would love, but, they are kids, they get to decide what they want to do.
The eldest has been bent out of shape a fair amount during this trip- poor kid. I think she just wants more individual attention, and specifically because shes oldest. But, thats not really my call...

I sit here, watching fireworks by myself, and I am oddly content. This family vacation has been different than the others. I dont know if its that I have a buddy to hang out with, whether I've just grown up or what. Yet, even though things change, there are still some things that will stay the same. I will always be the youngest, and my brothers will always be able to scare me. But there will always be the times that I dont fit, I like to read and my family, besides my mom doesnt, not only that they cannot fathom why we like to read.
And, I have far deeper country roots than either of my brothers, which is just sad to me. But I guess such is life.

I still dont know what my role in this family is, but I am the youngest child and so I mostly go along with what everyone else wants to do. Maybe, one of these days I'll get tired of just doing whatever and decide to stand up for myself. But I spend far too much looking into the future, and not enough in the present.

I guess what I am wanting to say, but cant quite get out has more to do with Katy Perry, and the whole message that she sends in her song Firework, which I am sure most people have heard. And thus maybe, someday eventually I will stop feeling like a plastic bag floating in the wind and ignite my light and let it shine.

I just want to be with someone who will deal with the fireworks that I will bring into life! haha!

Chillin on a dirt road

By Jason Aldean.

One of the lines is "memory lane up in the headlights" and I've been taking jaunts down memory lane,
My life doesnt seem all that exciting to me, dont get me wrong I certainly enjoy it, mostly. And I know that I have gotten to do more things probably than a lot of people my age, but at the same time there is nothing to seriously set me out of the crowd. Deep down, I dont know if I like that or if I think its a problem. But maybe, it just is, plain and simple, it is who I am.

In trying to define myself, I find definitions come from very interesting places. So, humor me if you will, and maybe you will find some humor in my life.

~When I am with my family I feel like I fall in the seriously awkward phase of still being the baby of the family, but I am really an adult. So I feel that my brothers still see me stuck at maybe 10, yet my nieces and nephews see me as an adult, maybe even a role model. It is only with my parents that I feel my correct age.

~I dont mind sharing my bed, in fact I am fairly liberal at sharing a mattress, just dont try anything goofy.~ lol. In fact there was a time where in the course of 6 months I had 4 bed mates of the opposite sex. And yet, nothing ever happened, didnt even kiss one of them.

~I find extreme happiness in the country way of life, and love to be in and around it, but I also value education.

~I tend to be very opinionated. However, I dont always share my opinions. I like to keep the peace and dont want to put people out, but at the same time, deep down, I want everyone to do the right thing, the respectful thing.

~ I know real life may not give me my fairytale ending, but I still want it.

And now there are small children running around... time to put the laptop up!

One is one too many, one more is never enough.

From "You and Tequila" by Kenny Chesney with Grace Potter

The boy reads the blog. And just when I thought that nothing would surprise me. I am impressed, flabbergasted, and yet somehow, not surprised at all.

I dont know whether to feel completely embarrassed, because I never in 1000 years thought he would read this, and thus probably 90 percent of my posts have been about him. Or elated because he does read what I have to say. Regardless, I hope that I dont change my brutally honest glimpse into my world see what I am feeling take on this blog.

I am like a yo-yo, and this is my outlet. So time to smile, face the facts, and go with your gut. Its not a life or death situation, the only things involved are my heart, and maybe something of yours.... I dont know. I may be an optimist, but I am not THAT optimistic! :)

I am a work in process- or as an accountant would say WIP- and I am not perfect. But you know, neither is life, its messy and none of us get out alive.

This one is for you love, take your time, figure things out, but let me do what I do best, and that is yo-yo.

What the hell am I doing?

I feel like I am in a holding pattern.
I have graduated from college and have my whole life in front of me, exciting, right?
Sure, but also scary as hell. What am I going to do with the rest of my life, and forget that, what am I going to do with my summer, and forget that, what am I going to do about a job?!

We're like fire and gasoline.

Its from Tomorrow, by Chris Young.

It was 2 years 3 months and 4 days, but I think I've finally given up.

Does it mean that I dont long for you to change my mind? Nope, I wish that you would show up sweep me off my feet and the two of us could run off together for a bit. But the rational side of me knows it wont happen.

Also, I have learned that shutting you out does nothing. If you decide to kick me out of your life, thats fine, but I will still be around. I will still answer your texts, I will still be your friend, and yes my heart will probably jump any time that I see your name on a phone or on facebook or whatever, but I will be there if you need me. However, the moment you start flirting I have the right to start ignoring what you say.

Also, you may feel this is coming way out of left field. But we kissed, 4 weeks ago... and then little flirtatious things, but you never followed through. And that means that my brain had a lot of time to do a lot of thinking. Probably overthinking but you never tried to stop it... so here we go... well really, there you go.

My explanation is that though I would love to spend time with you, see where it leads, it seems you do not feel that way. I wish you the best, J, really. :)

One of the things that I have been seriously thinking about lately is that when someone wants you in their life, they dont make excuses, they find a way to see you, you are important enough that they would do as much as they could for you. Well buddy, you always find excuses. I have always clung to you, but maybe, just maybe its time to find something else to cling to...

Give and take, push and pull, right and wrong

I know no one likes him, except for me.
I know that everyone thinks hes using me.
I know that hes probably not the person that I will marry.
I know these things... and yet I am on a seesaw... push and pull.
I am ready to ride this thing out, once and for all.

Yet, it seems the ride isnt quite over. But things have changed. I dont want a real relationship with him anymore. I deserve better than what he has to offer, really. Do I have feelings for him still? Yea, of course I do, I've felt very strongly about him for roughly 2 years. Will I write him out of my life? Nope. Does knowing that I dont want a real relationship mean that I wont accept opportunities? Nope.

The only thing this means is that I know now that sometimes one has to be selfish- especially when you are talking about a significant other. Having fun with this guy? Yea, no problem. Settling down with him? Hell no!

So far hes the only fish in the sea biting. But its time to reel the line back in, resecure the bait and cast out my line again.

I want to find someone who will want me every day, someone who can go a day without talking to me but would rather not. As Blake Shelton sings it, I want to be the Honeysuckle to some guy's honey bee. (The song is Honey Bee if you wanna listen to it.)

Its not fun anymore

That was my promise to myself, that this relationship got to happen as long as I was having fun.
I started to expect things, you know, I expected us to get closer.

Things changed, and I dont know if they were good or bad, they were different than the things that have happened before. I mean that is the whole point, right? The balance was off though, and I find balance to be important. He was definitely not putting as much into this as I was. And so it became time to back off.

And then I got insecure. "But we keep coming back to one another", uh huh, yep, and?...
That took some time to get through, I had one friend say basically: "yea, it happens, maybe theres something in the cosmos" another one said "maybe its your neediness and he has a lasso that keeps you tied together" and yet another friend said "that happened to me, and I get it, you just have to let it play out"...

This is me letting it play out. If I was him having to deal with me, I am not sure that if I DIDNT have feelings for the clingy person that I become, I would stick around. In other words, I realize that I get a little crazy, I overthink things, and he always talks me through it... so I am thinking WHY put up with me if you dont have any feelings for me. Seriously, is it just an ego thing, as some people think? I couldnt imagine, couldnt imagine putting up with someone like that just to boost an ego.

Then, the other thing that is swimming in my head is that there is a saying that you are supposed to let someone go, so that you know if they were yours or not... but I have decided that that doesnt really work... at all. Because, what if both parties decide individually to let the other one go, to back off and wait for them to make the first move. If both parties of a relationship desperately liked another, but somehow had it in their mind that the other didnt like them and they let each other go... talk about opportunities wasted. Im not saying thats whats happening here, in the case of me and J, but its just a curious thing.

There's another idea out in the world: basically, the idea that if you want to be with someone, you will make it happen, no excuses, no weather, no nothing could keep you apart. This is a new motto, so to speak, rather an old motto that I am readopting! If he wanted to be with me, he would have made it happen, I have given every opportunity, I have hit on him and alas, nothing. lol.

Since this time has been different, why not keep it different! I wont demand that we not have any contact (even though when I did that, I wanted nothing more than for him to contact me). I wont ignore him- I never have. But its time for me to step back, he can and will contact me if or when he wants.

I will end with some quotes that have struck a chord with me, whether it amuses me or simply makes me thoughtful...

"Sometimes the best way to get someones attention is to stop giving them yours"
"Flirtationship; more than a friendship less than a relationship"
"Don't back down just to keep the peace. Standing up for your beliefs builds self-confidence and self-esteem"


I may working to move on with whatever is next, but that doesnt mean that I have forgotten how it felt to be in his arms that night. Yea, thats a feeling I am not likely to forget anytime soon. Also, a feeling that I dont WANT to forget, because those moments, that night, it was all perfect. And hopefully I get other moments of perfection... :)

Barn Muckin

My first week home and I've found myself completely immersed in the country life, and loving it.
For years my mom wanted me to go outside and do outside things, and finally thats exactly what I want to do. I dont know what changed, but I am so thankful for the horses, the barn the muck and the country air, not to mention the wonderful night sky and beautiful sunsets, like the one that I'm looking at now.
Lately, I've been longing to be in the barn... not to be with the animals per say but thats a plus too. No, I've felt the longing of cleaning the barn, muckin out the stalls, gettin dirty... you know doing the thing that was used as a punishment for me growing up (or at least the threat of a punishment).
I cant tell you why I find myself down there getting dirty cleaning the stalls, but I'm finding it healing in some ways- though I cant tell you what I am healing from.
Its peaceful. I find that often in my life I just carried on without really doing much, and maybe thats just it, I am trying to be proactive. The stalls wont clean themselves, no, its not necessarily fun to be sweating like a pig in the middle of a KY summer day mucking out the barn, but the satisfaction that I am getting doing this, oh my goodness, its good for the soul.
Also, I've watched my dad face his ailments this week and it saddens me that he get sick and almost cant function, its not good, and I dont know if there is a way for it to change, but I know that I can do many things to keep from being debilitated by ailments. Part of it is attitude.
When dad had his heartattack he was told that he couldnt ever ride roller coasters and one of my favorite memories pre-heart attack was the joy that he got from riding roller coasters with my brother while we were in Florida. My other brother and I were scared of roller coasters and so we just watched them. So, when dad had his heart attack I realized that I would never see that particular joy from him. That I had lost my chance to share that joy with him, but it didnt mean that I had to loose that joy all together. I told myself that from then on out, I was going to ride roller coasters, that I would face that fear, because it was something that my dad could no longer do.
I think the barn muckin is along the same lines. I have legs, youth and just overall a body that works. Why wouldnt I use that body for the good of the family? Why have I wasted my body my whole life? Now, I know that is a little overkill that I havent exactly wasted my body for my whole life, but I understand now, sometimes doing something because you can is wonderful.
I think another aspect to the whole barn cleaning is that its physical, manual labor. I have decided, loosely decided, that people should spend at least 1 summer doing physical manual labor. Funny thing though is that I am too worried about what the outcome would be if I said this out loud... So I am creating my own physical manual outdoor labor. Taking it one day at a time, but I hope that by doing this my body firms up and that my soul grows.
I have realized that I have chosen a career that is NOT manual labor intensive, and suddenly that scares me. I dont want to be stuck at a desk for the rest of my life.

I guess the bottom line is that I have decided that mucking out stalls is in some ways my summer project, and so far, I think its therapeutic. Its getting me outside, doing actual labor and I am getting to spend time with the animals. Who knew that I was such a country girl after all? Or that it would take going to college in the city to bring out the country heart.

Changes

I decided to go back and see if things were really different between October and now. I guess I wanted to make sure that I wasnt kidding myself, I wanted to reassure myself. And things are, maybe not things exactly, but me, I am different, and that is easy to see between the posts of then and now.

I'm not saying that I am completely different, but I think that I am more comfortable in my own skin now. In October I wanted nothing more than to be his woman, for him to be my man, for us to be together and to define every little piece of our relationship. I wanted to talk through things before they happened, I didnt want to lose control, but most importantly I didnt want to give up myself to someone who may or may not care about me. As for now, I think I am slightly more laid back. I think I come off as crazy a lot of the time and he takes it, he listens, he makes fun of me, but hes a steady presence. Silly, right, because I complained about that before.

Haha, hes like a brick wall, and always has been. A steady, strong person, who when I run at him with all the force in the world he just absorbs the shock, doesnt say anything. Which, back in October, I thought was him running away... now I am not pardoning him completely, he COULD have talked to me, we COULD have worked things out, but it wasnt the right time then. I needed to learn some things first, like when I run at a brick wall like that, I am going to fall on my face, but when I walk up to the wall, explain where I am coming from, it will hold me up. It doesnt have all the answers and neither do I, but maybe we can find answers together.

The other night, I was obsessing about the kiss, I couldnt call my best friend, so I texted him. He listened to me, and he gave me feedback- not the things that I necessarily wanted to hear, but enough for me to get through the block on my own, for a little bit longer anyway.

This time around I feel like I'm looking more at the short term, a kiss doesnt lead to marriage. lol. A kiss is just a kiss. We like it, we move on. I've moved home, I dont know if or when I will see him again, I would like to, but if I dont I dont. I feel my innocence as a weight to bear, baggage, heavy baggage, why would anyone want to deal with someone as pure as me- silly right? But I live with it, I deal with it and with any luck I will find someone eventually who will love me as I am.

Everyone still tells me that hes not the one for me, his actions dont prove his worth. I buy that, I understand and respect that, but- and I may be like 6 years late- but I want my fling! lol. Let me throw caution to the wind, let me be dumb, stupid and put my heart on my sleeve. Let me experience something new, because we all know that the old thing was not working so well for me. What if, what if this new outlook on live life and etc will lead to something more... and who knows I might find my knight in shining armor- or at least one in tin foil, hopefully! :)

Just a Kiss

A new Lady Antebellum song that I heard for the first, and tenth time today! It kind of not quite but almost perfectly describes my feelings about Thursday, if you are interested.
Don't worry I am not exactly sure about the "one I've been waiting my life for" or however they say it...
(Though the way I said it worked really well with my post, heehee)

I will keep this post a short one.

Goodnight friends.

Silly me, it was just a kiss... right?

Yea, I went in thinking it was my last chance, that you wouldnt come and even that if you did come, it was the last time we would likely see one another.
But you did come, and we hung out...
And now, I dont know how to proceed. I suck at this, the last time I kissed someone, he said "See ya Monday" and got out of the car, and then, well, that was kind of it for our relationship.
Maybe its because you didnt say "See ya Monday"...
Maybe its because it felt right.
But now I mourn that that may have been the last time.

Ack. I keep going in circles in my head. I tried to talk to him about it, but I dont know if I am more confused or not.
I know who I want to talk to, who will give me the best advice, but she, well she doesnt want to talk to me about him. She doesnt like him. And I hurt her feelings by being with him.

How can the best night of my life also be one of the worst nights?

Sigh. Its time to believe in myself, and be strong for myself... so here goes nothing!

So many changes

Im done with Transy. I have graduated, and I am now an alumna, yet that isnt the only big moment of my life.
I got to fly in a private jet from New York to KY.
I karoake'd for the first time ever.
I felt like I lost all of my friends for about 15 hours.
And I had an awesome experience with him- no we didnt sleep together- but I feel like I cant tell anyone because no one approves of him.

I am not saying that he's the one for me.
I am not overlooking the past, simply letting it go.
I understand that you dont like him.
But I was hoping that your love for me meant that I could share the things that I am dying to share with you.
I dont need protection, I have always lived my life on the safe side.
I want to let loose some more. I want to have fun and I want all my friends to be there by my side.
But for the first time I feel kind of rebellious, and if I must do this without your support, I will.

There is room for both of you, just like there is room for me and your significant other in your life.
I guess ultimately I want your blessing. I understand that you may not like him, but I would love your support, your ear, and I dont want to make the choice between him and you, and I shouldnt have to, I have a big heart. :)

New Experiences

Something happened last night.
Something that was a long time coming, and good.
But I cant tell anyone about it because no one will be happy for me.
And the person who I want to tell the most, is giving me the silent treatment.
It sucks.
But I am sorry, I wouldnt change my experience last night for anything, because it was a long time coming.
I just wish that you would be happy for me and let me celebrate with you.
I also wish that you would tell me your honest opinion when I asked and not let me find out that you are pissed about things later.
I love you, I cherish you and our friendship, but I also think that you were trying to protect me from him, and last night, I didnt need protection, I needed to do what I've been wanting to do for months now.

Almost Halfway

So I am currently in Italy- which I think I told you the other day. Its the longest trip I have ever taken in my life, and its the first international trip without someone in my family. And I am happy to report that though I miss everyone a lot, I have not suffered from horrible bouts of homesickness. It seems I am growing up, growing into an adult? But totally ignoring the fact that I graduate in like 13 days, yea, lets keep ignoring that! :)

Short, sweet and to the point: I am glad I took this trip, I miss people back home, some of whom it was expected that I would miss, others, not so much. But Italy is a great experience, and I have even enjoyed not looking at a map, and just getting lost.


Longer. I have finally decided that yes, life is about getting lost, doing something you may have never seen yourself doing, and just going with the flow. I think that is what Italy has brought out in me, and its something that I can hopefully translate in to all other parts of my life. Many times I become a control freak, maybe if I just let things go things will fall into place. Its funny though that I had to go to a foreign country to discover this. Yes, we have some structure every day, but we also have free time, and its our time, to wander and do just whatever blows our skirt up. I like this, I want to cultivate it in all parts of my life. :)

This shouldnt be the way things are... but ok, whatever

You arent mine, I do not belong to you.
I was doing JUST fine for the first 3 days, what happened?
I know, I had a dream about you,
and now, well now I cant get you out of my head.
I miss you, lots.
And I have no way of getting in contact with you.
None.
I mean there's a chance you might respond to my facebook message, but I dont think you will.
And I dont even know if you use your email address.
But I miss you...
So much it aches.
Which is weird, funny and this shouldnt be happening.
We went 5 months without talking, 2 weeks shouldnt be a big deal.
But my god, I miss you.
More and more as time goes on...
Oh well, I may or may not get to see you sometime in the 4-5 days that I am in Lex once I get back from Italy.
But my guess is that I wont.

So not that you ever read this, but I miss you and I hope you are having a good couple of weeks! ;)

From this moment on

I leave for Italy today. My first trip abroad without my parents. I will be gone for 2 weeks.
I am suddenly terrified.
Can I do this, can I get through 2 weeks with these people that I dont really know? It's gotta be better than going totally on my own, I guess. Yet, I am still terrified.
On the other hand this is something that I wanted, something that I signed up for, and maybe just maybe it will be wonderful.
One thing I am sure of is that this will be a challenge, but one that can push me out in the world. Maybe this trip will make me feel like less of a mouse and more like a lion.

Its kind of funny, yesterday I was home, my brother had thrown my parents a Surprise wedding anniversary party and it became clear that I would be responsible to take them home. And I felt rushed... I didnt get home til like 5 and I was wanting to be in Lex at 5, ugh! But more than that I felt a minibreakdown coming. And I didnt want to burden my parents with sadness on their happy day. I think I managed to get out of the house without them realizing it, but I realized that I was leaving and boy am I going to miss them. The funny part is that I think that as much as I am hiding my feelings, they are too. Lots of people have been asking me how mom is taking it, and I really dont know, I think she is a little worried and probably has some anxiety. But I got an email from her this morning and realize that there's more than meets the eye. I think my mom is almost as panicked as I am. But we are both putting on a brave front because we dont want to worry the other!

So, here's to a wonderful, amazing time in Italy!

Watch Me

You sir, may possess every attribute that I want in a significant other. And so on the outside, on paper, you would be perfect for me, but real life doesnt care about paper. Real life doesnt hand me perfect, real life hands me you. See, while on paper you have all the things that I want, in real life, you have some personality traits that I cannot live with, though I have tried.
Next on my list of perfection: A good communicator who follows through.
I dont want to talk to you, to see you eventually. I want to talk to you, see you, be with you now.
I'm not going to cut off all ties with you, because I dont do well with that, but I sure as hell dont have to, nor will I wait for you.
I get to make my happy, I get to do whatever I want to, and you, well, lets just say I've been disappointed one too many times to ever follow through with an us.
Will I dream of it? Yes. Because I see myself eventually marrying someone like you, though, unlike before, I definitely dont think it will be you, unless you go through some drastic changes, and that just not fair to ask of someone who is so wrapped up in his own world. (Wow what a horrible sentence!)

But all these things I decided last weekend. And after this decision I went out and did things for myself. I lost control of my faculties and staff, danced the night away in the tightest dress I've ever worn, randomly went to Rolex with someone I dont really know all that well, then went bowling with the most random people ever, and went to a movie at a theater BY MYSELF... I did those things instead of waiting on you. You always disappoint, and me, well, I may be slow, and I might not get things right the first time, but I will learn my lessons, and I will come out happy!

Two years ago, I fell for you and you left me hanging. Last year, I knew that I still had more feelings for you than you had for me. This year, well, we will just have to see, right?

Brick Wall

We communicate, sometimes more than others. Sometimes we joke and sometimes its serious.
You call me, which, honestly surprises me.
You, my friend are the KING of mixed signals.
No contact between Thursday and Saturday. But Saturday I go to the event that you put together and you flirt with me in the middle of your store. Sure, its funny, and yea, it would be cute- IF WE WERE DATING! But we aren't so I just think "What the HELL just happened?"
Here's my view of what happened:
I walk in from the rain, see you, smile and I'm just gonna go on my way, but you stop me, in the front of the store, where there is like 10 people, and you fix my hair- apparently I had strands making a V on my forehead, and you FIX THEM. That is not something that just friends do. Really, that felt like unnecessary PDA, like you were advertising we were an item, but WE ARENT. At least, if we are, I am totally unaware.

Theres a difference this time

So, I text him. Said that I knew we hadnt talked in almost 5 months (today would have been the 5 month mark exactly)and I knew that it was on me, but I was thinking of him and I hope he was doing well. Since he didnt respond to the facebook message, I didnt figure he would respond to this either, and I was ok with that, mostly.
But he responded. And apparently he didnt get the message until last week, because his mom had read it.
Anyway.
Why did I make contact? What makes it different this time?
Ever had an addiction? You can give it up and the first couple of days its not so bad, and you even go through periods of time in which you dont care about it at all. And then you hit a wave of longing. Yea, this was one of those waves. And I lived with it for almost 2 weeks before I did anything about it. So what made me do something? Well, I looked deeply in my heart and soul. And I wrote down things that I thought of, all the questions that came to mind. Why him, why now, what if this happens, or even that?
And I decided that being in contact with him was healthy for me. I miss his friendship because he's not connected to the rest of my friends and in some ways he is a breath of fresh air. AND this time, this friendship will happen on my terms. I made the first contact to show that I guess I was ready to have him back in my life. But if he wants to be in my life, than he gets to make the effort. If he wants to hang out, he can make the contact, and I get to choose whether or not I am free, or want to see him. We are friends, and there is no need to over think anything that happens.
OK, so I'm not perfect.
And I am slightly over thinking the reasons behind this "couple of hours" long conversation that he wants to have because he doesnt want to "rush anything" but, I mean, things happen.
I just gotta keep telling myself, that I am in charge here, and I've done it once- ok so really its been more like 3 times, and I CAN live without him (and I pretty much do live without him 6 months out of the year).

Moral of the story: I did some soul searching before I decided to let him back in my life. Now, we just have to wait and see how it works this time!

(I think I might understand why people have on-again, off-again relationships. Before I always thought it was very stupid!)

Back To December

It's a song by Taylor Swift. And it describes my feelings of at least the past week fully.
I know that I can't change things, and that its useless looking on the past, but that does not stop me from doing such things.

Its sad that I get inspired to write when I am having hard days with respect to J. Last night was super tough because I've missed him so much lately- we met 2 years ago last Sunday, and of course since I am a dates person, I remember that.
I effectively deleted him out of my life in December. And I miss him. I know that a real "relationship" between us is impractical, and I know that it won't work. But its not just the thought of a relationship that I miss, because technically we were never more than friends. *Sigh*

Yesterday I wrote in my journal and it was like 3 pages of J. Its weird because I struggle to protect my heart, but on the other hand I want to be certain and not have that what if later in life, and I dont know which will win out.

But I had a dream about him last night. I was on spring break and staying at my parents house. In the dream I had had the same struggle that I am having now, and I decided that what the hell, what could I lose by making contact- its not like if he doesnt respond that anything will be different. So I went to tractor supply- it seemed the easiest way to get in touch with him. His work is 2 hours away from my house, and for some reason I was in mom's car, and dad was at tractor supply for something too. I go inside, and at first I figure he might not be working because its a Sunday (back when we were still talking and he got this new job he said that he would likely have Saturday and Sunday off). But I'm looking around and casing out all the workers, and then I see him helping a customer. We make eye contact, and then I go and intently look at screwdrivers, or something equally random. And he comes over and says hey, and I notice that he has a hugely swollen hand- think Hulk hand on a guy that is 6'4'' and 150 pounds at the most. And I say "hey, can we talk?" And we walk around the store, and I apologize for October, and talk about how I miss our friendship and was wondering if we could start fresh (for the 3rd year in a row). He listened patiently, told me that he missed our friendship as well but was worried about being friends again, but he would be willing to give it a shot. And then I told him its all good, it would have to be slow anyway, because I cant tell any of my Transy friends that he is back in my life- they would like lock me away. And then we parted ways, kind of with a bittersweet feeling.

Then at the end of the dream, I got into mom's car and I didnt turn it on but accidentally put it into drive. And it started rolling, and there were hills and because it wasnt on I couldnt put it back in park, but because it wasnt in park I couldnt put it on. But the brakes worked, not 100% but enough to keep me out of trouble, so I searched for a hill to go up so that the car would stop completely so that I could turn it on. And eventually ended up in a park, got the car started fine, drove off, and woke up.


I don't know what is gonna happen, but I am sure it will be a learning experience.

So here's to learning something new, even if it throws your world upside down and involves some emotional pain!

Temporary Home

A song by Carrie Underwood

Today, while I was in the middle of a group project, my mom informed me that Stan Burrous had died. This is the man that for the first 11 years of my life, I called Grandpa, a man who was always loving towards me, even though I was aware that he had a kind of mean streak. And then he was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease, turned horribly nasty towards my grandma, divorced her, and moved to Pennsylvania. This is a man who, I have had little to no contact with for the past 11 years. Yet, still, the news of his passing gives me pause.
No, we werent related by blood, but he was a part of my life, and he did leave his mark on my heart.
He was their when I took my first steps.
He would always bring me goodies when he and my grandma visited.
And there was that one weekend, when I was sent to stay with him and Grandma and I didnt speak! Thats right, I think I was maybe 5 or 6, and I didnt utter a word the whole weekend, but I did smile.
I remember my smile brought a smile to his face, he was funny. And I will always have the wooden bowls he made for me... time to pull them out and appreciate them for the love that was poured into them.
No, my life wont necessarily drastically change because the man that I called Grandpa died, but it is a reminder that life is temporary, and we should love with all our heart, follow all our passions, smile daily, and work to foster the relationships that matter to us.

Here's to Grandpa Stan, Grandma Carnes, George, Great-Aunt Mary Belle, Cousin Sharon, Friend Mr. Saltsman, Grandma Carnes' Sister; Abbey (dog), Khan (dog), Dolly (horse), Kitty (cat), Not Spot (cat), Junior (cat) and all the other friends and family I have lost since the summer of 2007. Rest In Peace

Waiting for the pen to dry up so she can start fresh with thoughts that are worth new ink.

Sunday was horrible.
Monday wasn't much better.
But then, Monday night, Marky Mark (no, thats not his real name) talked to me. And he knows my name, and that was just the thing to bring the sunshine in and push out the black cloud.
The black hole is gone too.
Thank goodness.
And I know it isnt much, but it was enough to help me brush myself off, and stand back up.
I can take on the world, I just need the occasional person to help me remember that I do believe in myself!
I went from Grumpy Greta to Jubilant Jessie in a blink of an eye!
Blogger world, I hope that you all have people that can step in when you are having your most ugly moments and make your world a brighter place.

Here's to happiness!

Lonely

I dont think I have ever felt so alone in my life.
Sure, part of it was probably my own doing because I was really happy to have the room to myself all day. But also, I am a social being and wanted to have dinner with some friends, but when I call all the friends that I would consider eating a sit down dinner with, and they are all busy, thats just seriously depressing.
And thats not my only problem.
How do you show someone that you are truly happy for them and their successes when you are drowning in your own lack of self worth?
I am so happy for you, really, thrilled, I want to be jumping up and down for you, but on the other hand, I can barely smile at anything right now.
That's just not fair to either one of us. So, maybe if I isolate myself, then you dont have to see my lack of happy, and I dont wallow so much in your happiness.
I am a panicky, weepy, overwhelmed, horribly angry mess that just wants to be held. Yea, if I had the opportunity I would hide from myself.
I guess heres to hoping this black hole that I have turned into wont last, and I will come on the other side completely amazing.

You arent welcome here anymore, boy.

I know, I know, I said I was going to focus more on daily life, and the non-boy issues. But you see, those are things that I can easily talk about with the people in my daily life, and therefore I dont need an outlet for them. And thus, yes, this post is about boys, or really that one boy that I banned from my life Halloween weekend.
I read my happy romantic comedy books, I have happy days, and I dream about my life to come but with all of those things, there is that undertone of him. I am the one that sent him away, told him not to talk to me, deleted our "friendship" so why, WHY can I not keep him out of my head?
I dont even want him in my life. Ok, so maybe I like the idea of most of his attributes- hes 6'4'' and a country boy and he has a fun personality- but he has some things that are deal breakers: his lack of making plans for one (and its a big one!), he gave bad excuses and his overall communication skills kind of suck.
Really, if we combined J with T, things would be perfect, but I am not a mad scientist, nor is it actually possible... sigh.
Back to my rambles about J. I ramble here because he is kind of a he-who-must-not-be-named type of person in my group of friends, and more than that, if I do talk about him- out loud with my voice- its like I cant get away from him. If I keep him in my head and on my blog, I still have some control, and hes banished from my real life.
But there is a flaw in that logic, really if I give thought to him, then he is in my real life.
What to do about that?
I dont know, and maybe when I figure something out, I will tell you, but for now, I just have to keep my head high, the only one that can make my life not worth living is me, and I am not that weak.

I just gotta keep on keeping on.

New year, new me?

I dont think so.
In fact, I feel gross, like an exaggeration, and downright worthless.
I've lost my happy place, and I need to find it again.
Or, maybe I am growing up and becoming my own person with my own opinions, and I dont care what other people think- I get to think what I want to think.

Reinventing myself here.
Sort of.
At least, I think maybe?

Panic

It's November second. Election day. Fun day. Beautiful day.
And I hit a panic.
What the heck am I going to do with the rest of my life?
Yes, I am an accounting major, but I dont know of any accounting firms, how am I going to find a job out of school?
I have got to take the CPA test, how/when?
Grad school? Yea, I was going to do that, but but but, but, I thought getting my CPA first was a good idea, so I havent taken the GMAT. The new plan is to take it in July.
I have a great fear of failure, and so what does a friend tell me?
Well, failure is part of life. WHAT THE HELL, man?
You dont say that to someone who has already cried over this today.
NO.
You say something like "out of all of my friends, you are the least likely to fail".
So, I guess its up to me to give myself a pep talk:
Dearest Jessie:
You have never been a failure. You may have stumbled a time or two, but you fall to your knees and you stand back up. You like to plan, but you also know that nothing ever goes exactly to plan, and therefore you have a jump on all of those other planners out in the world. You have a sense of perseverance that has been complimented several times. You have already made your family proud, and you have no where to go but up. You will find a fantastic job- if not at first, then later in life. You can do anything, ANYTHING you set your mind to and knowing that makes you one step ahead of everyone else. Sure, others already have jobs, and sure others got more interviews- but remember until that fateful day in September you were dead set on graduate school right away rather than getting your CPA right away.

OK, so my momma called me and gave me a pep talk... but I will still share this one.